Tuesday. The audience shrieks out a countdown as Ryan "Fanny Be Tender With My Love" Seacrest and the four finalists greet us from the Seal of Tsathoggua. Why they count us down to the opening credits when there's going to be at least three minutes of filler is beyond me.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onto the Seal in another homeless outfit, this time wearing a t-shirt with a peace symbol with the word "out" written on it. It's a good thing the war's over, or he'd be so very fired right now. I used to have a suit jacket that looks just like Ryan's. I got it about fifteen years ago. At Goodwill. For $15. I bet he paid $500 for his. Ryan reminds us that Trenyce was ejected last week, and Ruben landed in the bottom two. Of course, Ruben's brush with elimination gets the louder response from the audience. There's Rickey and what's-his-faceCharlessitting in the audience. Poor kid. He was the very first person to make it to the finals this season, and he's been utterly ignored since then.
Ryan introduces the final four back onstage. Then he introduces Simon "Throw A Penny" Cowell, Paula "Night Fever" Abdul, and Randy "Jumbo" Jackson. Ryan introduces Simon with some remarkably nonsensical and stupid comment about Simon having an STD or something, prompting Simon to look at him in complete confusion.
Tonight's theme is songs from the Bee Gees. Isn't that great? Don't Bee Gees songs fit perfectly within the vocal ranges of our remaining finalists? What's that? They don't? Oops. Oh well. But of course, everybody knows they pick the songs based on whom they can get to participate on the show, and Robin Gibb is willing, so the kids can all just suck on it. So Robin Gibb is the guest judge, and he heads out onstage. The man's so skinny, he makes Ryan look like Randy. He's wearing tinted glasses. They aren't rose-colored, despite what his comments during the show may indicate. Ryan asks Robin what his proudest moment was. His proudest moment was "songwriting." Really. And his favorite color is "Italian," and his favorite song is "Robin's Egg Blue." In the clip show, we learn that the Bee Gees have written a gazillion songs and sold millions of records. They were popular in England and Australia before they hit it big in the U.S. And most importantly, they're the ones to blame for John Travolta. Ewwwww! And they've written for Barbra Streisand. And other people. And Maurice died earlier this year. Awww. But the Bee Gees will live on forever. Yay! Unless, of course, you can't stand the vast majority of their songs, like me.
“ It looks like nothing so much as the close-up on Jack Nicholson's face when he busted through the door in The Shining. You jive-talked me! You're telling me lies! Now I'm going to have to kill you! Redrum! Redrum! ”
Back onstage, Robin sits between Paula and Randy. Ryan tells us that, once again, the kids will be singing twice. And unlike last week, they'll be singing Bee Gees songs for both numbers. First up is Joshua "Tragedy" Gracin with "Jive Talkin.'" Josh heads out to the seal in his black outfit. And he's wearing a necklace that appears to have about a dozen of Paula's medallions on them. I think he took the ones Paula gave to the other finalists. After he killed them. Now you know why we're not seeing certain rejected contestants anymore. Not three words into the song and he's already grimacing, hunched over, and inexplicably gesturing us all closer. And he's both fake twanging and off-key at the same time. Then he jumps off the stage and works his way through the audience, giving folks high-fives. And since he can barely sing on pitch when he's standing still, just imagine what he sounds like while he's running around the audience. And then there's the part where he runs up to the camera and makes scary, angry faces into it. It looks like nothing so much as the close-up on Jack Nicholson's face when he busted through the door in The Shining. You jive-talked me! You're telling me lies! Now I'm going to have to kill you! Redrum! Redrum! He makes a bunch of lecture-y hand gestures and finally duck-walks his way back onstage to limp through to the end of the song. Awful, embarrassing performance. It really does come off like frat night at the karaoke bar.
Judges. Randy says he liked it, and thinks that Josh "might be back" tonight. Did he actually listen? Or did he just see the scary faces and think, "He's probably got access to weapons. If he killed me, I wouldn't be able to eat anymore. I'll just be complimentary"? Robin blathers that he likes the "country" feel that Josh added to the song. Paula babbles that Josh's "warmth" came through in the song. Even if that were true, it would inappropriate for the song anyway. But it's not true, so it doesn't matter, so shut up, Paula. Simon says he was good, but a bit manic, and shouted part of the songs. Tellingly, the audience doesn't boo. Josh heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan stands in the crowd and reminds us all that Robin Gibb is here. Ryan flirts with the guy standing behind him and then introduces Clay "Too Much Heaven" Aiken out to the Seal to sing "To Love Somebody." Clay heads out to the stage in a black suit with a shiny blue tie, looking like a gallery owner from the early '90s. So, you all know that this song is essentially a collection of glory notes all strung together with some occasional lyrics, right? It's typical Clay. It's good, but overdone in so many ways. Carmen really needs to listen to this song to hear how a good vibrato sounds. And of course, there's that one really long glory note that doesn't really stretch his vocal abilities at all, but the audience loves it anyway. He does have that one lazy eye thing, which bugs, and there's that slight head tilt, which bugs even more, but at least there isn't a lot of eye fluttering.
“ A round of applause for Paula for elevating contradiction to a new and incomprehensible level. A 'moment' that is spread out over two weeks? A 'safe place' in vulnerability? Well done, Paula. Well done. ”
Judges. Randy loved it and gives Clay his props. Robin says Clay has a fantastic voice. Paula says the last two weeks have been her "favorite Clay moments," because he found a "safe place in [his] vulnerability." A round of applause for Paula for elevating contradiction to a new and incomprehensible level. A "moment" that is spread out over two weeks? A "safe place" in vulnerability? Well done, Paula. Well done. Simon says that this was the best performance he's heard in the three seasons (including U.K.'s Pop Idol) he's judged. Clay heads over to Ryan, who points out all the signs begging Clay to marry the holders, before giving the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Then, for some unknown reason, Ryan pissily reminds Simon that the name of the show is American Idol, not Pop Idol, probably because Ruben has been anointed the winner, and Ruben don't sing no pop. Simon pissily responds that the show was originally called Pop Idol before it was adapted for the colonies, and then rags on Ryan by saying that the original hosts were much better. Ryan mugs for the camera, because he's thoroughly unable to improvise anything unless it has something to do with sex.
up is Kimberley "Don't Throw It All Away" Locke, singing "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." Kimberley heads out on the stage in a tasteful but unremarkable black pantsuit. This is one of Kim's "meh" numbers. I don't know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with whether she likes the song or not? Sometimes she really works a song, but sometimes she just goes through the motions. This is one of the "going through the motions" times. She's noticeably off-pitch, especially when the back-up singers break in. Of course, the back-up singers aren't very good to begin with, but she just sounds even worse every time they pipe up. She ends pretty well, but overall, it's one of her more forgettable performances.
Judges. Randy says it was great. Robin says it was wonderful. Paula says that Kim's a classy, glowing girl. Simon says he thought it was "sweet and ordinary." The audience boos. Simon tells him they can boo all they want -- he doesn't care. That's my motto, too. Actually, I usually just roll my eyes and mutter, "Whatever," whenever I get emoticon-laden emails calling me misspelled names for not liking Josh or Clay or whomever. Kim heads over to Ryan, who asks her about Simon's comments. She responds that sometimes "sweet and ordinary can be good." Yes, it is the driving concept behind pop music. When it's not "blatantly sexual and ordinary." Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Miss Dog Beauty Pageant. When did FOX turn into the jokes that the writers make about FOX on The Simpsons?
Also, at this point, I accidentally deleted my whole recap and saved over it. But fortunately, as I was instant-messaging Sars in horror, I discovered that I could still undo it. Thank god. I hate the fact that Control-A, Control-S, and Control-X are all right to each other on the keyboard.
When we return, Ryan is harassing some poor little boy in the audience about some stupid inflatable "spirit sticks" that somebody made to show support for Ruben "Mr. Natural" Studdard. The little boy is banging the sticks together. I've never seen these things before, which probably indicates how long it's been since I've attended any public athletic event. Whatever happened to waving little towels? Amusingly, when Ryan asks the little boy if he wants to see Ruben, the little boy shakes his head no. He just likes banging things together. Little boys are just that way. Ryan introduces Ruben to the stage to sing "Nights On Broadway." Ruben heads out on stage in an unremarkable gray shirt and matching pants. I have to give Ruben credit for changing up his style. This is an up-tempo song, and he doesn't try to Lutherize it. However, his voice just isn't as good this time. He sounds a bit hoarse, and his held notes are a bit off. The zombie shuffle is in effect, but he snaps instead of reaching out for his baby. Overall, I liked the intent, but the song was a little meh.
Not that the judges would notice, ever. Randy is proud of Ruben, and he represented and did his thing. Robin loved it. Paula says that Ruben rocked and made her feel so good. Simon says that if Ruben weren't in the competition, it just wouldn't be the same. Well, that's the kind of comment that could be taken in any direction. The same thing could be said about Carmen or Josh. It's not necessarily a compliment. But Simon meant it as one, so fine. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who marvels over the spirit sticks some more before giving the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the second round. But first, Ryan tells everybody in the audience that they all get a free copy of the latest CD of "love songs" the kids from this season were ordered to record. Everybody in the audience just stands there because, really, if they went through the effort to come out to see the show live, they've probably already got copies.
Time for round two. Ryan introduces Josh out to the Seal to sing "To Love Somebody." Yes, that's the song Clay just sang fifteen minutes ago. The Bee Gees have tons of songs. I don't know why they both picked the same song. Perhaps Josh was trying to get himself ejected? Anyway, Josh heads out to the seal in a new brown outfit. Way to stretch yourself, dude. Anyway, this is the country twang version of the song. It's also the pointing, lecturing, slouching, constipated-face version. Josh's singing is much better than it was in "Jive Talkin'," but he's no less creepy. They do the part of the chorus where the music drops out, except for the drums, and the audience claps along while the stage lights flash on and off, like they're trying to send messages to the UFOs in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Overall, it's dull, which for Josh is an improvement over awful.