Throwing The Paybee Out With The Bathwater

Tuesday. Prior to the start of the show, the local FOX affiliate runs a commercial for a news special warning us that success can be toxic to your health. And now, five young men and women compete for a desperate and unpredictable shot at fame and fortune. Okay, then.

Credits. Ryan "Steppin' Out" Seacrest greets us on the Seal of Tsathoggua in a yellow woman's shirt. I don't have much time to react to that sartorial horror, because the cameras immediately pan over to a sign that says "Bush/Gracin 2004." They do have a lot of common, what with them both dodging wars as young men. Please send all hate mail to shackisabigcommie@televisionwithoutpity.com. Back up with Ryan, I get another chance to absorb the blinding yellow of his girlie shirt as he tells us he's a "dancer, model, gigolo, and emcee." Except for the "emcee" part, that could describe anybody who has been on Blind Date.

Ryan introduces the five remaining finalists onto the stage, then introduces Randy "King Of Clowns" Jackson, Paula "Alice In Wonderland" Abdul, and Simon "Little Devil" Cowell to us. He makes a dog- and sex-related joke about Randy that is even worse than last week's joke about neutering him. They're punishing me for not laughing at the awful. Bad me. Oh, they aren't done with the awful. When Ryan introduces Simon, they pipe in the sound of crickets chirping over an audience that has been obviously ordered not to applaud. This is what awful looks like, folks. If you ever have any power over what goes on television, never do this. Simon follows up by snarking at Ryan about his past appearance on Blind Date, which has been dredged back up now that he's famous and all. He's the fame whore who made it! You can actually search for his appearances on television shows on TiVo! Don't give up, little fame whores! Someday people might be rolling their eyes as they scroll past your name in the TiVo directory, too!

Ryan warns us all that the five remaining finalists will be singing two songs this evening. Well, a part of the songs, anyway. The first song will come from the '60s. The second song will be one written by tonight's guest judge: Neil Sedaka. You know, his songs are nice and all, and don't think that I don't like the guy, but is it too much to ask that there be some sort of theme on the show that suggests that somebody involved knows where popular music is going, rather than where it's been? Anybody? Hello? Neil comes out and greets Ryan. Neil looks like that harmless uncle who told you jokes straight out of the Catskills, and talks like a cross between Regis Philbin and Charles Nelson Reilly. Ryan and Neil blather for a bit onstage. Neil says he's looking forward to these young kids coming out and singing his songs and making them "hip." Somebody's hoping for a Sedaka renaissance. Somebody namedSedaka. In a clip show, Neil is thoroughly stroked in a glowing profile. Ryan just said "penis"! Oh, wait. He said "pianist." Sorry, these things are so boring. Sedaka went to Julliard. He played the piano. He wrote songs. His career died. Then it was reborn in the '70s. Then it died again. And then he went to Vegas, which is where you go when your entertainment career is never coming back. The kids all practice "Laughter In The Rain" around the piano with Neil, which is odd, because it's not performed as a group song on Wednesday night.

When we return to the stage, Neil is sitting between Randy and Paula. So I guess Simon doesn't like him. Or vice versa. Anyway, Ryan wastes no more precious time that could possibly be sold for product placements, and introduces Ruben Studdard to sing "Ain't Too Proud To Beg." Ruben heads out to the Seal wearing what appears to be plastic sheeting, but is actually the ugliest pleather outfit ever created. Ever. I fully expect somebody on Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be wearing it week. It's the color of used dishwater. Somebody kind of tried to make it look like distressed gray denim, but failed miserably. If he saved up all his money by wearing those 205 shirts in order to buy this outfit, that's very, very sad. Ruben's singing isn't so good this time around. He's smiling and gesturing the way he always does. However, some of his longer notes are a bit off, and his voice cracks a couple of times while he's singing. It's not, say, a Carmen-level disaster, but it's definitely a poor performance for Ruben. Oh, and those Tia and Tamara twins are somewhere in the audience. I think that's their names. They were on some show. I'm too old to have any fucking clue.

Anyway, the less than stellar performance doesn't stop the judges from throwing themselves prone before their king. Randy says Ruben sounds like a winner every time he sings. Neil calls him a "hit-maker." Paula says Ruben showed some "moves" and "shook what [his] mama gave [him]." He moved about five inches and rocked slightly back and forth during the song. It's a new dance craze, called "The Zombie That's A Little Bit Hipper Than The Other Zombies." Simon gives the song a nine but the outfit a two. He says, "Now I know why there's a cow shortage in California." The hell? Cow shortage? Is there a good joke shortage in California, too? What am I saying -- of course there is. Plus, I don't think a single cow died for that outfit anyway. With all that pleather, an entire herd of dinosaurs probably had to die. See, then Simon could have made a joke about California's energy crisis. Most people wouldn't have understood it anyway, but at it least it would have been a joke that made some sort of sense. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who tells us all that Rickey's in the house and was enjoying Ruben's performance. Ruben thumps his chest a couple of times to restart his heart after the effort of walking over to the other side of the stage caused a coronary. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. up is Trenyce with "Proud Mary." Ryan calls it the Creedence Clearwater Revival hit, which it originally was, but Trenyce is so obviously doing the Tina Turner version. Except that the Creedence version was in the '60s and the Tina version was in the '70s, so they're cheating. But whatever. Anyway, Trenyce heads out to the Seal in a shimmery dress that's all the colors of the rainbow. It's not ugly, but it is a little busy. She's got her hair long and straight for the evening. She starts singing, and suddenly a phantom back-up singer with a voice so insanely deep that it sounds like a parody kicks in. Is there a level below bass? Did somebody teach a grizzly bear to sing? ["I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT IT'S NOT ME SINGING BACK-UP. I'M ACTUALLY A TENOR. BELIEVE ME, IT'S MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING TO ENCOUNTER A HIDEOUS, EVIL, TOAD-LIKE GARGOYLE AND HAVE IT BUST OUT IN SOMETHING FROM JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S ALBUM." -- Tsathoggua] ["Have you noticed that Justin has transformed into Brian Austin Green?" -- Shack] ["YES. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?" -- Tsathoggua] I like Trenyce's rendition, because although it's clearly based on Tina's version, she's not copycatting the way Tina sings. She's strutting around the stage the way Tina did, but her voice and phrasing is her own. Rickey is identified in the audience as "Trenyce's Friends."

Judges. Randy says Trenyce brought the thing and did it. Neil says Trenyce was "uplifting," but then sort of backhands her by telling her that "if" she finds her own style, people will recognize her. Paula says that Trenyce looks great, had confidence, and pulled off the song. Simon winces, then says that Trenyce's performance reminded him of a "drag act." Oh, if only there weren't some drag acts on the show. The lowliest drag performer at the smallest gay bar in rural Iowa ("Dan and Pete's Barn") could wipe the floor with all these kids when it comes to stage presence. Simon is booed, of course. GLAAD composes another letter. Trenyce heads over to Ryan, who wonders out loud where Simon does his drag research. In your bedroom, Ryan. In. Your. Bedroom. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Joshua Gracin, singing "Then I Can Tell You Goodbye." He heads out to the Seal in a jacket that looks like it's made of a cheap car seat, a t-shirt, and jeans. The twang is back. The lecture gestures are back. The scary faces are back. You tell me you love me! You tell me you love me right now, do you understand? No, don't you sass me! Tell me you love me! Actually, despite how much I hate Josh's singing, he does a very good job with the held notes in this performance. It's probably one of his best performances, but I still can't stand his singing. Or his stage presence. Or his creepy, giant mouth. Why doesn't Trenyce's creepy, giant mouth scare me? Because she can sing.

Judges. Randy says it was a good choice, but thought Josh was merely okay. Neil says that the more Josh sings, the better he'll get. Isn't that what Verdine White told Carmen? In other words, boy can't sing. Paula says that she thought Joshua was good, but he needs to be more "free" on stage. That's not likely to happen unless the show is fortunate enough to get a laxative as a sponsor. Simon says that Josh's performance was "dreary." Ryan comes out on the stage to join Josh, who says that Simon just doesn't like country. Ah, the memories of bimbo-astic Ryan Starr complaining that Simon doesn't like punk after her wretched rendition of "You Really Got Me." You're not country, Josh. Shut it. Phony. Ryan says they don't know what Simon likes. Josh responds, "Drag queens?" If only Simon had shouted out, "If the alternative is you, then yes." Who wouldn't prefer a drag queen to Josh? I think even Jerry Falwell would agree. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. Marry me, actor playing Colossus. What? Shut up.

When we return, it's time for Kimberley Locke, performing "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." She heads out to the Seal in a white blouse with black lace that emphasizes her breasts, but in a good way. As opposed to some of her outfits. That's probably because she's also wearing a black leather jacket, so we're really only seeing the front, so it doesn't make her look too large, like her "Heatwave" outfit did. That doesn't make any sense, does it? I hate trying to describe their outfits. I hope Clay wins, simply because his clothing is so easy to describe.

Anyway, speaking of "Heatwave," this is just not a good performance from Kimberley. She starts off flat, as usual, but she doesn't really correct herself this time. And she's a bit shouty. She really does sound a lot like the gone and not-forgotten-enough Kimberly Caldwell with this performance. I'm afraid it's not one of her best.

Judges. Randy says it was good, but that's about it. The audience boos. Neil calls Kimberley "ear-delicious." No, I have no fucking clue. And he's wrong, anyway. Paula says "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" is one of her favorite songs. Is there a song she doesn't like? She says Kim looks sexy. Simon says you can hear Kim's singing at any church across America and he thinks she can do better. I think Simon should stop getting his ideas about what church sounds like based on old episodes of Ally McBeal. Kim heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Clay Aiken gets the best real estate with the final spot in the rotation. Ryan introduces him to the stage to sing "Build Me Up, Buttercup." Ah, the memories. The last time I heard somebody sing this song, he ended up dead in the bathtub, thanks to his loose-lipped CIA double-agent fiance. And no, I'm not suggesting that Clay be killed. Put the emails away. Clay is wearing a black suit with a gray shirt. See how easy it is to describe his outfit? Clay's in Upbeat Clay mode, with lots of head snaps and finger-snapping as he cheeses his way through the song. But there are no glory notes, thank God. He's saving all of them for the second song.

Judges. Randy praises him for changing it up to a faster song, and says he was entertained. Neil says Clay sings the way Andre Agassi plays tennis. Like he's a big asshole? Isn't that how Agassi plays tennis? Neil concludes that he'd kill to write and produce Clay's first CD. I think Neil would kill to write and produce anybody's CD. Paula says she wants to give Clay a hug. She says Clay's "spirit danced" during the song. She watched it. It was doing the cabbage patch to the orange unicorn on Saturn. Which is where she watched Clay's performance from. Ooh, pills! Simon says he liked Clay's performance, but doesn't understand what the song's about. What? It's not a particularly complicated song. Just listen to the lyrics. It's hard not to when Clay's overenunciated them. On the other hand, I can see how the concept of a woman being a tease and never putting out might be alien to Simon. Clay points out that it's a British song, which explains nothing. Clay heads over to Ryan, who also asks what the song is about. It's about a WOMAN WHO TEASES A MAN AND LEAVES HIM HANGING. Are these people stupid or what? Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for the Sedaka round. The order of performances hasn't changed, so Ruben will go first with "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." Ruben has abandoned the ugly suit in favor of a much better brown leather jacket (and matching newsboy cap) with jeans. Anyway, Ruben's girlfriend is leaving him, and he couldn't be more thrilled to be singing about it. He's got a wide smile on his face as he reaches out to the camera throughout the song. The song has been slowed down to a ballad, which actually is preferable to the original version. I hate the original version of the song. You can have too much bubblegum in your pop. Overall, Ruben's performance is much better this time around, but I still find him to be a total cipher. He's just this guy who comes out and sings whatever is put in front of him.

Judges. Randy declares Ruben the winner. Neil says Ruben was terrific and "radio-friendly." Ah yes, he's perfect for the huge, unvariegated mass of bland that is the American radio scene. Paula says the performance was stellar. Simon points out how Ruben turns his smile on and off, which he finds amusing (and I find creepy), but declares the performance to be sensational. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who calls up Kevin, Ruben's brother, for no real reason. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Trenyce, singing "Love Will Keep Us Together." She heads out in a sunny pink and purple camisole and miniskirt that looks better than the description would have you believe. I like Trenyce's rendition of this song. Yeah, what a surprise. You can all sit there in Clay Nation and shut up while I enjoy her, too. Nyah! Anyway, her phrasing needs a little work, like it always does, but she's got a great blend of upbeat singing, belting, and an occasional glory note. You know, I don't really like this song, but it is a good choice to show off your skills and versatility. And Trenyce has both! She does, dammit! Oh, I'm getting defensive already. Sorry. Anyway, she's great. The audience agrees.

Judges. Randy marvels that the contestants all sound so much better tonight. Yeah, there's no goat on the menu any longer. He says Trenyce sounded fantastic. Neil says she modernized the song, and her positive attitude was wonderful. Paula licks Neil's shoes for a bit by complimenting his songs, then says that Trenyce has had an outstanding evening. Simon thought Trenyce was fabulous. Those two guys in the audience holding Trenyce signs are terribly hot. I think they're also taken. With each other. Yes, I'm now outing members of the audience. Consider yourselves warned. Ryan heads out on stage to give Trenyce's blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan's got that idiot woman from Mr. Personality with him. No, not Monica Lewinsky -- the vapid, callow Barbie doll with all the charisma of a toadstool who has somehow landed the central role in the "reality" show. Ryan asks her if it's hard to kiss a guy in a mask. What's-her-face says no and suggests that Ryan try it. Ryan pretends that she means that Ryan should put on a mask and kiss somebody, but everybody knows she means Ryan should try kissing a guy in a mask. And I'm sure he will. ["If by 'will' you mean 'has.'" -- Sars]

up, singing "Bad Blood" (and I'm skipping all the easy jokes here), is Josh. Josh is wearing his black outfit. Whoa! If they made a musical about abusive husbands on Lifetime, Josh would land the starring role. This song is about a deceptive woman, and Josh sings with an expression on his face that suggests that any minute now, a couple of fishermen are going to find this woman's body floating face-down in the reeds at the edge of their favorite lake. Granted, I don't want my music to be all puppies and lollipops, but I also don't want to have to watch a performance by occasionally peeking at the television from behind my chair. Oh, and he's lousy. And he forgets a line and sings the following: "Ableh on da tea dang ting, you know you believe." And the hand gestures? They're increasingly bizarre. At least Ruben's are always the same. Josh is just pointing in the strangest places and making "come here" gestures and I don't know what else. Maybe he's just trying to draw attention away from his bad singing and goofy faces.

Judges. Randy inexplicably thinks that this song sounded better than the last one. Neil inexplicably says that Josh is a "feel-good" singer. Dude! Did you see that performance? He killed a girl! He suggests that Josh relax some more. He can't relax! He killed a girl, and now he's singing about it! Paula inexplicably declares that this was the performance she was waiting for. She says that he "was himself" and "had fun." He killed a girl! Weren't you people watching? He was singing about killing a girl! Simon says that the bar is raised, and his two performances simply weren't good enough. The audience doesn't boo. Probably because they're afraid Josh will kill them . Josh heads over to Ryan and tells him that Simon is "lucky" that he's got "Marine Corps restraints" on him. Well, they didn't stop you from killing that girl, did they? Plus, I think Simon would kick Josh's ass. He already beat him in the push-up contest. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Kimberley, singing "Where The Boys Are." She's wearing a Pepto-pink jacket and matching newsboy cap, along with a white t-shirt and jeans. Just as with Trenyce's outfit, it looks a lot better than it sounds. She sounds much better on this song, but she's a bit breathy. And she goes too much for the glory notes on a song that seems like it should be a bit fluffy and shy. But still, very good. The audience loves her.

Judges. Randy says Kim was "hot." Neil calls her "sugar sweet" and orders her not to change. Paula says Kim was versatile and flirty and sultry. Simon says Kimberley proved his point by "going beyond the bar," whatever the hell that means. People just need to learn that a metaphor can only be stretched so far before it sounds like you're talking in code. Ryan heads out onstage to give her blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. Oh, and if you didn't think they'd have time for their [product-placed cola] segment because of the ten songs, you're so very wrong. When we return, all the kids except Clay are hanging out in Pimp Central, and Ryan comes in to join them for the non-terviews before Clay sings. There's a bottle of olive oil there. It seems that Trenyce does shots of olive oil before she sings. She says it moistens her vocal cords. Ryan, of course, notes that there's about fifteen grams of fat in a shot. He looks horrified at the idea of voluntarily consuming fat. Then he makes Kimberley introduce Clay to sing "Solitaire."

Back on the Seal, Clay is already in position, lit from the back and from a spotlight directly above him. How ridiculously melodramatic. If this is supposed to make us think he's not Broadway, then this lighting decision has backfired amazingly. He looks like he should be singing "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables" from Les Miz. This song emphasizes everything I don't like about Clay's performances. Every other note is a glory note. He flutters his eyes. Everything is overenunciated. I'm sorry, but it's just so cheesy. And his performance is a few seconds shorter than everybody else's. Wait, that's not really a complaint. Well, wait -- they should have taken that time from Josh, so it is a complaint after all.

Judges. Randy loves it. Neil loves it. Neil is crying, people! Crying! He says that he has "lost his song forever," and declares "Solitaire" to be a "Clay Aiken song." And will henceforth be renamed "Solitairrrre," to reference both Clay's enunciation and the current pop trend of unnecessary letters. Paula says it's one of Clay's most "vulnerable" performances and insists that he broke free of the Broadway comparison, which he didn't. Simon praises Neil for writing such a good song, then praises Clay for actually taking criticism from the judges and improving himself. He says that Clay has lost some of the wacky orgasm faces he used to make when he was singing. He describes Clay's rendition as a "grown-up performance." The audience cheers. Clay heads over to Ryan, and they blather a bit. Ryan gives Clay a bottle of olive oil. No, no -- bad. All you boys out there, use a water-based lubricant. Oils weaken the condom and cause it to break during intercourse. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Fortunately, because of the ten performances in one hour, they don't have time to go to a commercial break yet again before showing the clip show and begging us to vote. Stupid voting.

Wednesday. Another hour of nonsense. This show is actually making mad that I'm missing the last few episodes of Dawson's Creek. Can you believe that? I hate that show, but I want to see the awfulness of the ending. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically tells us that the contestants are finding the stress of waiting "impossible to bear" while they all stand there on the Seal looking blank.

Credits. Ryan comes out on the stage in a naughty schoolboy outfit. His shirt has brown and blue vertical stripes and "WESTBOURNE" written on the front. For some reason, there's what looks like a strip of fluorescent green tape on the upper left side of the shirt. At least, I hope it's tape. I'd hate to consider the idea that somebody designed a brown and blue shirt and then decided to add fluorescent green as an accent color. Although it wouldn't surprise me at all to see Ryan wear it. Justin Guarini's dad is holding up a sign that reads "Get To The Results." Dude, don't you want to hear your own son sing? That's just harsh.

Ryan reminds us that we've got another hour together, and the padding and the judges and the contestants and blah. Also, Justin Guarini will perform, in case you were wondering why his dad is there. And other crap will happen, too, most of which has nothing to do with anything. Ryan tells us all that the five finalists were stuck in the elevator three minutes before the show was supposed to go on the air, and I would give anything -- anything -- to have seen what the show would have done if they couldn't get the kids out. Ruben is wearing a different style of 205 shirt that has it in smaller, more tasteful numbers. The colors are ugly, though, so I guess you can't have everything. Josh is wearing some ugly tan jacket that he's worn several times. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's being a good dad and passing all the money they're getting to buy clothes back to the kid.

Ryan tells us that the votes were in the vague "millions" before introducing the recap clip show, obviously meaning that the numbers have gone down. The ratings have gone down a bit, too. How many minions did Tsathoggua have, anyway? ["REMEMBER THE ARMIES GATHERING IN THE TWO TOWERS?" -- Tsathoggua] The clip show reminds us of the Sedaka, and the Ruben tongue bath, and the Clay tongue bath, and Simon's nasty comments to Trenyce and Kimberley, and everybody's nasty comments to Josh. And Josh killed a girl! She had bad blood! So he killed her!