Tuesday. Ryan "Out Tonight" Seacrest greets us all on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the three remaining finalists. Ryan, I hear, is wearing the exact same outfit that Jimmy Fallon wore when he parodied him in a recent Saturday Night Live skit. I didn't see the episode, because I had something better to do. I don't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was better. Like snorting rubbing alcohol up my nasal passages. Something like that.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onstage. Why doesn't he just stay there during the credits? It's really stupid to have him greet us on the stage, then run back behind it for ten whole seconds, then come right back out. People cheer. Ryan blathers on with a bunch of fake numbers before reminding us that we'll finally pick our American Idol week, after we go through the motions this week so they can get rid of Kimberley. Somebody in the audience holds up a sign promoting Clay and Ruben, except with pictures of Alfred E. Newman and Fat Albert. That's an unusual way of showing support. You guys are caricatures! Wooooo! Ryan has the kids come out again, so they can get more cheers.
Then Ryan pretty much all but tells us to vote for Ruben. He tells us that this isn't a popularity contest. We're supposed to vote for the best singer, not the one we like the most. Because, you know, they didn't have lengthy clips of the kids talking about their lives helping children with special needs, or serving in the military, or getting a day named after them, or anything at all to make us like the finalists for anything other than their singing. The word is "backfire," producers. Look it up.
Then Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "Take Me Or Leave Me" Cowell, Paula "Over The Moon" Abdul, and Randy "I'll Cover You" Jackson. Ryan mentions that Simon was nearly bumped from The Tonight Show. He makes no mention of the fact that Robbie Williams gave Simon a lap dance. I think Ryan's a jealous little bitch. Speaking of jealous, I'm nasty and sarcastic and have manboobs -- where's my Robbie Williams lap dance? Paula is wearing a gangster hat. Ryan rips off my comments about Paula and ascribes them to Randy when he accuses him of "incomprehensible ramblings."
There's no guest judge tonight. Wheeee! Thank God. I was so sick of them. Ryan tells us that the three finalists will each sing three songs tonight. One song chosen by the kids, one song chosen by the judges, and one song chosen at "random." I will be putting "random" in quotes throughout the recap, because I have no reason to believe what Ryan says is actually true. We see a bowl with slips in it. We see the kids pull out a slip. They show us nothing of the process of how the slips ended up in the bowl, who chose the songs, how the songs were chosen for inclusion, how many songs were chosen for the bowl, or anything to actually make us believe that this is truly random. Are the kids even picking from the same "random" songs? It doesn't seem like it.
“ Instead, he pimps a [product-placed cell phone] that has video recording features. Which I'm sure comes in so very handy, what with everybody on earth owning a completely different model cell phone than everybody else. ”
Kimberley "Without You" Locke is first up. We see her "randomly" pick a slip of paper out of a bowl in Pimp Central and open it to reveal that she has chosen "Band of Gold." Which she sang back in Glendale with that one woman with the boobs whom we must never speak of again. Well, isn't Kim the lucky one? Not that it matters. I'll be saying that a lot about Kim's appearances tonight.
Kim heads out to the Seal wearing a pea-green blouse with orange-ish cuffs and a black skirt. Believe or not, that top looks really good. Of course, Kim does well with a sassy song that lets her belt it out. Now that I think back, I'm still not sure why she did such a bad job with "Heatwave." She even does better on her lower register than she normally does, and there's no sign of breathiness. The audience cheers. Not that it matters.
Judges. Randy declares that she's the most improved contestant in the competition. He says Kim "peaked at the right time." I was going to point out that the right time to peak would be week, but then I remembered that that's not going to be happening. Paula agrees with Randy and says that Kim came to win. Duh. Not that it matters. Simon makes an Al Capone joke at Paula's expense. Then he reminds us all that Kimberley was terrible last week, so we don't get the impression that she sings this well all the time and do something stupid like vote for her instead of Ruben, but says she's sensational tonight. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who asks how she feels. She feels great. Is it harder having to perform three songs in one night? Oh, the pressure of having to sing a fraction of three songs in one evening! Unsurprisingly, Kimberley says it's not that big a deal. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Wait a minute. No he doesn't. That's odd. Instead, he pimps a [product-placed cell phone] that has video recording features. Which I'm sure comes in so very handy, what with everybody on earth owning a completely different model cell phone than everybody else. Ryan recorded himself hamming it up to the recorder. He probably uses it to remind himself that he's nothing unless he's onscreen somewhere, anywhere.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan plays with some woman's ponytail out in the audience. Yeah, I don't know. It's the drugs. up is Ruben "Seasons Of Love" Studdard. Ruben "randomly" selects Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." He says he's happy with the choice. Why wouldn't he be? I mean, I think it's a great song, but vocally, it's about as challenging as "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
Ryan introduces Ruben to the Seal as he harasses Ruben's brother. Go away, Ryan. Ruben heads out to the stage in a brown shirt that has those weird vertical fade bars that are common on the jeans kids are wearing today. Except that the fade bar is blue. I'm not quite sure how they did that. Anyway, he's also wearing jeans with the normal fade bars. Well, as normal as they are. They make me feel less embarrassed about all the silly things we did with our denim back when I was in high school. Anyway, Ruben's singing is a solid as it generally is, though he's still a bit hoarse. He gets some good energy in the song. He also bounces along very, very mildly and slaps his thigh. Everybody stands and claps like they've been ordered to. Overall, it's a fairly good performance.