The Silencing Of The Lamb

Tuesday. So even though Ryan was the one ejected last week, Melodramatic Announcer begins his melodramatic recap by telling us about Justin's close call with the voters before showing Ryan's tearful farewell. Tonight, six will sing for their supper. One will get nothing but water and maybe that little container of crackers you get with the salad.

Credits. Ryan "Over the Rainbow" Seacrest and Brian "Jeepers Creepers" Dunkleman enter from opposite sides of the stage, rather than from the back like they normally do. The reason for this change is that there's an actual live band taking up the middle of the stage. Yay! Live music! Black and Decker are both wearing decent suits. I actually like Brian's shirt and tie. Ew. I'm sure he'll open his mouth any moment and I'll hate him even more. Oh, here we go -- after crowing about how much everybody on earth loves the show, Ryan declares that he's asking for more money. Brian says, "I'm the guy asking for a favored-nation's contract." Wow! Unfunny and nonsensical. I'm sure they just can't wait to sign you on to American Idol 2.

Tonight's theme is "Big Band," hence the big band. I'm so relieved that they realize a real band is necessary to pull this theme off. The band plays a few measures of what I think is "American Bandstand" to prove to the audience that the instruments are real and that they're actually playing them. Black and Decker explain that they chose Big Band for this week's theme in the hopes of getting rid of Nikki. Or they give some blah reason that nobody cares about and make a stupid "big is better" joke that's not funny. You decide. They introduce the kids, who file out from the side while the band plays the show's theme music. They've all dressed for the theme, though Nikki has her typical rocker add-ons.

We get a brief clip show of what it's like for the kids to rehearse with an actual band, rather than with recorded music. A band is much harder to rewind. Musicians practice. The kids show up and look excited. Somebody else to blame for bad performances! The piano player insists that the kids have no idea what they're in for. Neither does he. Has he ever seen R.J. perform? The piano player says that the kids have to "take charge" of the performance and make sure that they're the "focal point." The kids practice. Even in the rehearsals, R.J. is overwhelmed by the music.

Back at The Octagon of Judgment, it's time for Black and Decker to introduce the judges. Ryan calls Randy "Everybody Eats" Jackson a "lovely big bear of a man," so we know who he's turned to now that Simon is stuck on Christina. Brian skeeves by describing Paula "Nice Work If You Can Get It" Abdul as being the only judge "who looks good in high heels and a teddy." Paula is the only one who laughs. She's wearing a low-cut red dress that is very unflattering, and a necklace made out of gold doubloons. As she's introduced, Simon "Mean To Me" Cowell leans over and deliberately stares at her cleavage. Black and Decker introduce Simon as "Hannibal Lecter, but without the charm." The sound guys start piping in the boos early so that they aren't drowned out by the pending cheers. Black and Decker explain that the kids have been thinking and worrying about the judges all week, because their comments about the performances are so influential. In the background, Foreshadowing hands out bottled water to all the band members.

On to the performances. First up is Tamyra "Sophisticated Lady" Gray. This week's clip shows are all about the family roots again. I suppose that's better than listening to a photographer talk about them. Tamyra has ten brothers and sisters. She plays Uno with her family and worries that little Treven is going to see her as a big celebrity and not as her sister. Yeah, not many celebrities give you noogies, except for Tom Arnold, Charlie Sheen, and -- strangely enough -- Joan Allen. She's also a pre-school teacher, and her kids all call her "Miss Tamyra." Tamyra takes the whole "role model" thing seriously, and has no problems with being thrust in the spotlight like this. I guess working with kids is supposed to mean "automatic role model." Did you know that Sheryl Crow used to be a school music teacher? I knew people who had her as a teacher before she hit it big. And we can all see how that worked out in the "role model" department.

Tamyra hits the stage to sing "Minnie The Moocher." She's chosen the Harlem Renaissance as her fashion guide, with a black pinstriped pantsuit and period hair (with a giant flower over her right ear). I like this look better than the earth-mother colors and afro. But I think I just like this era of fashion in general. This, like her performance of "A Fool In Love," is a rather risky song choice for her. The energy for the performance hinges on whether or not the singer can get the necessary audience participation for the chorus. When we get to the "hidey-hidey-hi" part, the results are mixed. We hear some lackluster responses, but when the camera pans across the audience, most of them are just smiling blankly and clapping. I think the band members behind her may be helping out with the chorus, since most of them aren't playing during that part. Her voice is typically solid, though she's a bit louder than usual. She's also obviously having a lot of fun with the song. She handles the "scat" part well, though it was obviously very rehearsed on her part and comes off that way. Best of all, she gets to perform nearly the whole song, now that they're down to six singers. I think there was still a verse cut out for time and the ending is rather abrupt, but I'd guess she got in about three-quarters of the song.

Judges. Randy points out that Tamyra has a lot of fans there. Duh. Thanks. He says that he felt like he was living in that period while watching Tamyra's performance, and he thinks that Tamyra could probably sing the phone book and sound good. Paula says that Tamyra was made for big band, but then continues that she was made for every genre they've performed. So Tamyra was made to sing everything. Paula compliments Tamyra for getting into the spirit of each genre they've selected songs from. We'll see how well she does when they have Aggro-Punk Night. Simon calls Paula a belly dancer before agreeing that Tamyra has handled everything they've thrown at her. He concludes, "You know what I find amazing? How did you remain undiscovered for so long? That's just unbelievable." Well, she was a beauty pageant contestant, you know. Actually, I bet she didn't win her pageants because she wasn't stuck up enough.

Tamyra heads up to Black and Decker, who proceed to act like humongous idiots. Well, I guess that's no surprise. Ryan is confused by the whole concept of scat. There's a joke here, but it's really, really gross, and I'm not going to mention it in a paragraph that includes Tamyra. Ryan mentions that Tamyra used a movie as an inspiration for this week's performance. Tamyra's response is a confused "Huh?" An equally confused Ryan asks Tamyra if she watched The Blues Brothers this week. Uh? Tamyra says that she did indeed watch the movie, but adds nothing else, giving the unstated message, "You idiot, that movie had nothing to do with my performance at all." I can't believe he brought up that movie as an inspiration for Tamyra's performance. What a Grade-A dork. Blah blah blah votecakes. Brian blames us all for not giving Ryan Starr enough votes to stay in the competition. The world refuses to feel guilty. You're going to have to go back to staring at the boobies in magazines, Brian.

Commercials. When we return, blah blah blah votecakes. Brian threatens to slap the phone out of our hands if we don't wait until the end of the show to vote. Try it and I'll break you into tiny little pieces, you creep. up is Justin "I've Got The World On A String" Guarini. Before American Idol, Justin was some sort of party facilitator, getting the kids dancing and celebrating at bar mitzvahs and such. Wow, that sounds like the type of job I was born to never, ever, ever do. If I were to take one of those career tests, "party facilitator" would be at the very, very bottom of the list, just below "body double." There are clips of Justin acting like a dorky, hammy schlemiel at a party. He says that the kids are ten times tougher than the judges are, because there are more of them and they're not afraid to call him a big poo-head or whatever insults they fancy. Regardless, he says he loves his work and loves making kids laugh. So that's why he's got the big clown hair.

Justin hits The Octagon to sing "Route 66." He's wearing a slightly rumpled tux with the tie undone, and keeps his left hand in his pocket while he sings. He really needs to be holding a scotch in his right hand if he wants to pull off the Rat Pack vibe. And be just a little less dorky. His singing is better than it was last week, more on the upbeat level he had while performing "Sunny." His command of the geography involved in the song lyrics, however, isn't so great. Of course, most of the kids watching probably haven't heard this song much before and don't know anything about this dumb old road anyway, so they don't realize that his references to Alabama and Savannah in the song are mistakes. Also, he mentions Barstow twice. But he handles it all so smoothly that it's easy to miss. I caught the Barstow mistake immediately, but didn't really notice the southern references at first. Just don't ever ask Justin for directions, or you'll end up driving into the sea. There's some eye-fucking, but less pronounced than in performances. He pulls off some scat that seems more spontaneous than Tamyra's, but probably really isn't. Overall, an improvement over the past couple of weeks.

Justin turns and applauds the band before heading over to hear the judges' comments. Randy declares that "Justin is back," and says he was fabulous. Paula says that he took a cool song, was cool when he performed it, and "commanded" the audience. Simon brings up the fucking apology again. God, just let it go. Simon explains that most celebrities are awful, appalling people, and thinks that Justin has been "untreated fairly [sic]" by the public for his attitude two weeks ago. Just sign him if you want him on your label; leave the rest of us out of your constant adulation. Simon begs us to give Justin his (Eeeeeee!) back, and insists that Justin is a great performer. Tough. He's not getting it back this week. Possibly not ever. Nobody mentions the lyric screw-up; either they didn't notice, or they didn't want to draw attention to it.

Justin heads up to Black and Decker, who ask him what was going through his head this week when he was choosing the song. Certainly not an atlas. He blathers something about picking a song that was upbeat and lovely. No more "important" songs for Justin. They ask Justin why he didn't tie his bowtie. He says it made him look like he was "going to prom," rather than the laid-back Dean Martin look he wanted. He also takes a moment to wish his brother Adrian a happy birthday. Blah blah blah votecakes. Brian doesn't want to read his lines to throw it to commercials. Shut up, Brian.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Nikki "Don't Fence Me In" McKibbin. In her clip show, we see Nikki as a kid (and a brunette), practicing for the talent shows her family puts on at reunions. I think she dyed and cut her hair to get away from the awful '80s hairstyles she's sporting in these clips. She's even got a femullet in one. She says that she was really bad when she first started performing (there are clips of her singing and dancing awfully), but worked at it and got better. What a stunning observation. She says she's "earned the talent that [she has]. Because [she's] worked at it a lot." That sounds like something Paula would say, in the sense that it's utterly nonsensical.

Nikki hits The Octagon to sing "Hard-Hearted Hannah." Her outfit is fairly simple: a reddish-brown, baby-doll-style dress, with a black spiked collar and clunky shoes that lace up her shins as her rock additions to the look. Her hair is slicked back and over to one side in an attempt to create that lopsided hair look from the '40s. Overall, not a bad attempt to blend the theme with her own style.

Her performance starts off really well, with good tone and attitude, and I wonder if she's going to get compliments or if the judges are going to complain that the performance "isn't her." Considering her rock roots, or whatever the heck her roots are (since she didn't know "Heartbreaker"), this a good song choice for her. It's vampy and has some "twang" to it. But just as I start thinking she's going to pull this all off and fluster the judges, things begin to go wrong. She goes flat on some notes and starts losing her energy. There's an old-fashioned microphone to go with the theme this evening, and it can't be moved around during the performance, so the kids have to pull off stage presence while sticking in one place, and Nikki isn't so good at that; she really doesn't know where to look at times or where to direct the performance. She has a problem with a contact lens or something, and develops a pronounced eye tic that probably doesn't help any. And just as with last week, there are some truly awful, flat sustained notes. I think it's because her rock-style note delivery doesn't allow for corrections. Kelly and Tamyra have had their flat moments, too, but the way they sing allows them to correct quickly. Nikki just hits the notes head-on, so if she misses it, we're all stuck with whatever comes out until the note ends. It's a much better performance than I expected out of Nikki for this theme, but there were some very clear flaws.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads out to the stage to perform "Stuff Like That There." She's definitely dressed for the era with a black-and-white polka-dotted dress, pearls, and period hair. She's reminiscent of that era's equivalent of the "tough, no-nonsense girl" in the movies. You know -- the one with all the moxie who didn't take no guff from nobody. Then, in the final act, the main character, having lusted after the vampy bombshell blonde the whole film, discovers that he's really been in love with the no-nonsense girl all along.

So Kelly (Eeeeeee!) starts singing, and all of the sudden my Judy Garland gene is activated. Seriously, I'm not one of those gay guys who cares all that much about the female singers of yesteryear. But the minute Kelly opened her mouth, it was like some internal tuning fork started vibrating. Her voice sounds nothing like her talking voice. And it also sounds nothing like the voice she's been singing with during the last few rounds. She actually does sound eerily like Judy Garland. It's almost like the kind of vocal transformation that Jim Nabors made when he sang. Her singing is just awesome. She's note perfect except for her first large, sustained note, which is a little flat. The song has tempo changes and variety and tons of range. Kelly's got a stunning amount of presence and personality. Watching the performance is like going back in time. Just amazing. Her family's in attendance tonight (in case you didn't pick up on that Clarkson guy earlier), and she gets wild cheers when she's done.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) gives a quick wave of thanks to the band before heading over to the judges. Randy says he's a big fan of Kelly's, and says that she's one of the best "natural" singers he's heard in a long time. Word. Paula agrees and calls Kelly (Eeeeeee!) a triple threat, explaining that she can also imagine her on television, film, and stage. I guess she's trying to warm us all up to the idea of that American Idol movie they're trying to toss together. Simon says he's glad they ended with her, because the show's all about finding a star, not "feeling sorry for people who aren't very good." Then he decides to try to mock the band by pointing out that the piano player is wearing one of Ryan's old shirts. The man stands up to show us all he's wearing a black mesh button-up shirt over a crazy multi-colored tee. He looks at Simon all, "What of it? What of my shirt?" He's not the least bit embarrassed. He models it proudly for the audience.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker. Ryan defends the shirt some more. They ask Kelly (Eeeeeee!) if she was nervous onstage. She says she wasn't really, because they rehearse enough. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) doesn't want to sit; she's afraid she'll "flash the world" because of the way the dress is cut. Brian tells her that "it might help with the votes." Oh my god, why is this man still breathing? I would forgive any attitude from these women simply for putting up with the awful comments from the men on this show. The contestants, I mean. Paula isn't included. Black and Decker have Kelly (Eeeeeee!) recite her own phone number for the voters.

After a final clip show, the kids come out onstage for their final bow as the phone lines open. As they sign out, they let Tamyra wish happy birthday to little Treven, and they all thank the band. Tune in tomorrow night to see who is voted off. Or, you know, scroll down a little bit. Of course, you already know who's been voted off anyway, sooh, never mind.

Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "Tonight, one of these six finalists will be hurled into a spinning jet engine." Or something. Actually, there are only five finalists shown on stage as the camera pans across. Christina is missing.

Credits. Black and Decker head onstage to the cheering crowd. Bad suits and no ties tonight. The camera flashes on Jennifer Love Hewitt in the audience. Bleah. I wouldn't be surprised to hear rumors that she's dating Ryan before long. Before getting to tonight's padding, Black and Decker give us the 411 on Christina. Or the 911, as this case seems to be. They explain that Christina "took ill" a few hours ago and was taken to the hospital. The doctors say that she's fine, but a little "stressed out." As a "precautionary measure," she's staying in the hospital tonight and won't appear on the show. How entertainingly vague. It's like they're asking us to fill in the blanks. According to post-show radio interviews with Christina, she was suffering from dehydration and weakness, brought on by weight loss over the last few weeks. You'd think she had been on Survivor or something. Perhaps only the contestants with the top votes are allowed food or water as an incentive for better performances.

After some bland well-wishes from Black and Decker, it's time to get back on track with the show. They claim that they received more than ten million calls last night before introducing the judges again. Ryan says that when you look at Randy, you just want to give him a hug. Ryan, save your bear-chasing for a more appropriate venue. They call Paula "delectable," but the camera just sits on Randy forever, so we can't even see her. Oh, there she is. She's wearing some ugly black-and-white blouse with a lace-up front. It looks like it's made of the same plastic they use to make kids' Halloween costumes. They introduce Simon by saying that nobody would want to hug him for any reason. The crowd (and our boards) disagree. Hee. There are people in the audience with paper Simon faces attached to sticks.

Finally, they introduce the kids, and everybody cheers. The kids have abandoned the big-band look and are dressed in their typical attire. They show clips of last night's performances. Randy declares that "Justin is back." They show R.J. forgetting the words to his song (ouch), and Simon's comments that there are better singers in the competition. Paula slathers praise on Kelly.

So, since they're all so great individually, a group performance should be, like, five times better, right? Black and Decker introduce the kids performing a group rendition of "American Bandstand." And it's awful. Most of them are flat on their solos, and they all seem to be singing in the exact same vocal register, so their group singing has no depth. There are actually additional background singers on the track to try to add some range to the performance. It seems like Nikki was given Christina's solos. All the kids come down off the stage to stroll by the front row while singing, except for Kelly (Eeeeeee!), who stays on The Octagon for some reason. Tamyra and Kelly (Eeeeeee!) are given the last two solos in the song in an effort to salvage the performance, but it's just too late. Flat and thin all over. Man, I know I criticized them for trying to take on something soulful like "California Dreamin'," but the bubblegum fluff of "American Bandstand" was even worse. After they're done, Black and Decker make a bad joke from the audience about not being able to hear the performance over the cheering. Lucky them.

Commercials. I'm sure that Firefly will have a nice long run and not be cancelled by November sweeps. It's my mantra. Of course, let's hope that it has a long run and doesn't suck. Both are probably too much to ask for.