Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "The pressure percolates as the surviving seven sing again. Tonight, who will choose their [sic] song wisely? Who will watch their [sic] words? Who will play it safe, and who will take the big risk?" Who will resort to alliteration and repetition in an attempt to be even more melodramatic? Who needs a lesson in pronoun-number agreement? Clips of Ryan, Justin, R.J., and Nikki are shown in response to the four questions that Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically asks.
Credits. Ryan "Rhinestone Cowboy" Seacrest and Brian "Everybody Plays The Fool" Dunkleman head out to The Octagon in bad suits with ugly shirts. Ryan's shirt looks like it has tire-track patterns on it. Neither is wearing a tie. Black and Decker introduce themselves to the audience with a stupid joke about how giddy they are or aren't. Nobody laughs. They blather about some funny picture they "found" (read: "planted") on the show's official site. They ask for the picture to show up on the monitor, but nothing happens. Hee. Technical difficulties. Finally, it pops up. Somebody stuck Simon "Thin Line Between Love And Hate" Cowell's head on top of a picture of a bodybuilder's body. That's it. It's like one of those cheap novelty pictures you can get at the souvenir shops at any amusement park. I mean, the TWoP Pixel Challenges put that picture to shame. The audience cheers anyway, because they'll cheer for just about anything. Ryan "jokes" about how much he likes Simon's picture and wants copies. Nobody laughs, because they know he's not joking.
Black and Decker explain that this week's theme is "The '70s." Blah blah blah votecakes. Black and Decker make an unfunny joke about people at home eating pork rinds and watching in their underwear. Nobody laughs. They remind us that A.J. was sent home last week because he didn't get enough votes. But he got a job at the local blood bank, and everything turned out just fine.
Black and Decker introduce the seven remaining contestants, who file out on stage as they usually do. No real fashion surprises tonight. As they file back off to prepare for their performances, Black and Decker introduce the judges. They introduce Randy "You Don't Have To Be A Star (To Be In My Show)" Jackson with a stupid joke about him having his original nose. Nobody laughs except for Randy. They introduce Paula "Everything Is Beautiful" Abdul by calling her "bold and always beautiful." They introduce Simon by calling him "the prince of darkness," but the audience cheers loudly in Simon's favor. I think they have to pipe in some booing from a recorded track.
But before we get to tonight's songs, we have to find out what the show is going to milk for pre-performance clips of each singer. Us Weekly arranged for a photo shoot featuring the seven remaining finalists. The kids get makeovers, which the show seems to think is fascinating, even though the kids are getting makeovers every single week. Celebrity photographer Andrew Southman tells us all he was "bowled over" by the kids' energy and enthusiasm. What do they expect this guy to say? He's a celebrity photographer. His job is to make us want to worship famous people. You think he's ever going to say anything bad about anybody on camera, ever? He would like to keep working. Clips from photo shoots. The kids all stand around in the pool. Posing. Posing. Some more posing. Christina says Andrew allows the kids to be themselves in the photo shoot. As opposed to ordering them to pretend that they're the offensive line for the Bengals? R.J. and Justin respectively think that it's "crazy" and "mind-blowing" that suddenly they're big enough for a national magazine spread. This was the point where I was hoping to point out that Us was a News Corporation (owners of FOX) publication, but it turns out that they're not. Damn them for denying me a corporate synergy joke. Andrew blathers some nonsense about taking the "definitive picture" of somebody just before they became truly famous. Nobody knows what he means. He doesn't even know what he means. The kids all jump in the pool fully clothed. Supposedly, Nikki broke her toe right there, but there's no mention of it on the show.
But enough of that nonsense -- for about all of five seconds, anyway. Black and Decker return to tell us who our first contestant is tonight, Nikki "If You Don't Know Me By Now" McKibbin. We head right on back to the photo shoot for her clip show. Nikki doesn't like other people doing her hair or make-up. Well, if somebody else was responsible for her awful blue eye shadow a couple of weeks ago, she has good reason. Andrew tells us that "contrary to what [we] may think about Nikki, she has a shy, sweet side as well." Because, you know, we all think that girls with brightly dyed hair are, in general, psychotic, evil bitches. Except not. Stop with the "wild child" nonsense. Nikki splays herself out on a leopard-print rug while Andrew takes photos. She's wearing a camouflage-print top. Wild! Militia wild! She says it was fun letting the stylists and photographer "take control," because then she didn't have to worry about anything. That sounds exactly like something a "rebel" would do, doesn't it?
Black and Decker introduce Nikki's performance of "Heartbreaker," as she heads out to The Octagon of Judgment. She's wearing a black lace see-through belly-shirt, black pants, and a red skirt over the pants. She's also got on the requisite leather studded dog collar. Nikki sounds like she's found exactly the right rock song for her voice. Everything fits perfectly within her range, and like Nikki, it's rock, but not too rock, if you know what I mean. It's an upbeat, energetic rock song, so the fact that she's not really the "wild child" everybody seems to insist she is doesn't hurt her like it did when she took on Janis Joplin. I think it's her best performance so far on the show, and that includes the semi-finals. But then she has to go and ruin the ending with an atrociously off-key sustained wail that causes my television to vibrate across the room. If you've never really paid attention to closed captioning (if you've got it on) when you pause and restart a tape, sometimes the captioning doesn't work properly for a couple of seconds and you'll get gibberish. I paused during Nikki's final wail, and when I restarted the tape, the captioning read, "Uh, uncle." My television is begging for the note to end. Heh.
Judging. Just assume that the audience cheers after every performance and every time a judge says something good, and boos when the judges say something bad. It makes recapping faster. Randy "Nikki, Nikki, Nikki"s his approval, telling Nikki he loves her style tonight and saying she's "more in her element" with her song choice. Paula blathers to Nikki about "finding her own path" and "taking risks," like "Heartbreaker" was some esoteric song produced by an unknown and not a top-forty hit back in the day. Then Paula adds that they're not really risks, because the song shows who Nikki really is. Or, rather, what they've decided Nikki is. I think Simon has decided that he just doesn't like Nikki anymore. He bangs the drum again about how she keeps changing from week to week. He tells her it was "a copycat performance, not good enough, and [she] will not win the show." I agree on the last two comments, but as for "copycat," I'm not so sure. It's so much harder to make a rock song "your own" than it is an R&B or pop song because it depends so much more on the music to drive the lyrics. There's really less freedom of interpretation, I think. So giving her the same arrangement of the song as the original results in a performance that sounds like the original, and I think that would happen no matter who sang it.
The crowd boos Simon as Nikki heads up to Black and Decker for the post-show interview. Now that they've eliminated some contestants, there's more time for their idiotic blathering. Oh, goody. They bring up Simon's copycat comment, and Nikki says that she had never even heard that song until she learned it three days ago for this performance. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki (tm Randy). You don't ever say something like that as a performer. You want to be part of an industry that sleeps, eats, and breathes music? Don't ever admit that you're unfamiliar with a song that's supposed to represent part of your musical roots. She probably just lost a bunch of votes. Black and Decker have her repeat that statement to Simon, who is, of course, not paying attention. Do any of these people think that a confession of ignorance on Nikki's part is going to win Simon over? Of course it doesn't. He repeats his usual line of looking for the best talent in America, and how Nikki isn't it. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. Blah blah blah votecakes. up is Ryan "I've Never Been To Me" Starr. In her clip show, Andrew explains, "The pool table seems like the perfect place for Ryan." If I were Jimmy Fallon and Sars were Tina Fey, that line would have inspired a joke-off contest. But contrary to the pornographic image that Andrew just handed us, Ryan is standing on top of the pool table. In an interview behind the wheel of a [product-placed] car, she claims that she tries to show off her "punk" style with her clothes. Ryan's about as "punk" as Nikki is "rebel." She insists that she's a "tomboy" while lying on the pool table with her exposed torso and fondling a billiard ball. Just one of the boys. For some reason, she thinks that she's showing more of her "girlier" side for this photo shoot, even though she looks the way she normally does. Actually, I think she's wearing more clothing than she normally does. So whatever.
So after regaling us with tales of how she's such a punk-rock tomboy, Black and Decker introduce Ryan and tell us that she's performing the disco hit "Last Dance." Um, okay. I'm sure Ryan didn't really have any punk cred to begin with, but she probably just lost whatever she might have managed to scrape together. She comes out in her typical shredwear. It looks like she's wearing a black belly-shirt under a white one, both sliced up to expose the different colors here and there, and a pink miniskirt. Actually, it's nearly a microskirt. I hope she's wearing underwear. I suspect we might just find out. You know, I can almost see what she's talking about when she calls herself punk. She does bear a passing resemblance to some of the punk looks on girls in the mid-'80s. Some folks don't realize that bands like The Go-Gos were considered punk before they were mainstreamed. But punk today is so different from that time that her look doesn't fit anymore. She looks totally pop to me.
When Ryan starts singing, I realize why she picked this disco song: it fits exactly within her singing range. So now it's the reverse of last week, where she picked a song because she liked it, but couldn't sing it. She picked a song because she could sing it, but it's just not her. Her performance is okay. Her voice is strong, and she's got decent stage presence, but she isn't really feeling it. I'm wondering if there even is a song that fits both her range and her personality. Her voice just seems too deep for pop or rock, but she's too flashy for blues. At the end of her performance, somebody brings some flowers up to the stage. He or she doesn't try to come up on stage, so we can't see who it is.
Judges. Randy says that Ryan's song choice was better this week, but it just wasn't exciting for him. Boos. Paula disagrees completely. I clutch my pearls in shock. She thought it was wonderful, and Ryan came back from a bad performance last week and had fun and blah blah blah. Cheers. Simon says he almost agrees with Paula. He describes Ryan's performance last week as a "train wreck," and tells Ryan that she needs to figure out who she is. He mentions her erratic song choices and says that if she makes it to week, she needs to figure out what she wants to be musically. That's true, but again, I'm not sure she can be what she wants musically because of the contrast between voice and personality. I think she really needs to have songs written specifically for her. Paula blathers on in defense of the kids, saying that they have to perform songs from different eras, most of which they've never even heard before. God, shut up. What typically idiotic logic. Should we defend an actor's lousy reading of Shakespeare because it was written so long ago? And if he said he had never heard of the play before, would he not be laughed out of the auditions?
Ryan heads up to Black and Decker. Ryan smiles, but it's obvious that the comments are getting to her. Host Ryan says he had no idea that the '70s were so much fun. Yeah, ask your parents all about how fun the '70s were. He says he was too busy playing with his "little friend." Thump! Be more funny! He clarifies that he meant his G.I. Joe doll. I'm sure he fantasized about the day that the Duke would make a man out of him. Nobody laughs. Of course.
up is Christina "The Most Beautiful Girl" Christian. In her clip show, she poses poolside and tells us all that she's not as shy and reserved as she appears on the show. Nobody is how he or she appears on the show, according to this photo shoot. Andrew thinks Christina's just great the way she is -- beautiful and graceful. I'm sure she's thrilled that you approve.
Christina hits The Octagon to sing "Ain't No Sunshine," which was also her final song in the Pasadena auditions. She's wearing a black, belly-baring, backless top and a matching dress with a fringed, patterned wrap over it. It's a typical Christina performance; the vibrato is still there, but it's not as pronounced as it has been in other performances, and sometimes it works for her. Her voice is stronger and generally on-key. She plays to the camera incessantly, which is an improvement over her typical stand-and-deliver technique, but gets to be a little too much. I feel like she's staring at me. She's definitely got some female equivalent of the eye-fucking going on there at the end. She ends her performance by running her fingers down the side of her cheek, which is something only drag queens should do. Also, don't smile at the audience while you're in the middle of a song about your wayward lover.
Judges: Randy gives her the "most improved" award over last week. He says she listened to their criticisms and sounded much better this week. Paula checks in from Planet Xenon to point out that we vote based on the kids' performances. Thanks for the newsflash. That non-sequitur leads to Paula explaining how much she loves Christina's performance and that she was much better than last week and that if this were the Olympics, this would be her "golden moment." No, the golden moment would be winning the competition, not making it to round four of the finals. Simon says that "for once" he's going to agree with them, like that's such an unusual occurrence. He tries to backtrack on his Christina crush by saying that after he watched her performance last week, he noticed the flaws that everybody else pointed out. But he agrees that Christina was wonderful this week and compares her to Sade, because, you know, she's dark-skinned and elegant and has her hair pulled back, so they're twins now, or whatever. They don't sound anything alike. I also suspect that Sade wouldn't give Simon the time of day, so he's happy to have Christina around.
Christina heads up to Black and Decker, who point out that she's purty. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return it's time for Justin "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" Guarini. In his clip show, he jumps around and hams it up for the camera. Andrew tells us that when Justin started jumping around for the shoot, he "came alive," because that's such an unusual cause and effect right there. He "came alive" when he started engaging in physical activities? A stunning observation. Justin tells us all that he's a big ball of energy and loves to move around onstage. I guess expending energy on eye-fucking keeps him from overheating or something.
Black and Decker introduce Justin and tell us that he's performing "Someday We'll All Be Free," which is a jazz-bluesy sociopolitical anthem I've never heard before. Justin's wearing his typical non-fashion fashion: an off-white shirt with a '70s collar and burgundy pants. He starts off very, very, very flat. Flatter than a serving tray run over by a steamroller. Flatter than an envelope containing WorldCom employees' pension checks. Flatter than Ben Affleck's ass. Not only is he flat, he's just not hitting the notes solidly. So he's also thin. Thinner than John Ashcroft's understanding of civil liberties. Keeping in mind that I've never heard this song before, I can't find or feel any melody or presence in it. Justin makes Important Grimacing Faces while he sings. You know what I mean. Imagine Scott Stapp from Creed singing in his videos. The lyrics are just so important and meaningful that the process of spitting them out is akin to giving birth, and you have to make the appropriate faces. I don't feel as though the melody is leading anywhere, and eventually we all just stumble across the chorus together. After all his talk of boundless energy, Justin just stands there onstage and gestures at the audience occasionally. There's no eye-fucking, because that would simply be wrong in this song. Definitely Justin's worst performance on the show thus far. The (Eeeeeee!) has abandoned Justin. The question is whether or not it will find a new home among one of the other contestants, and that sounds like a perfect poll question.
Judges. Randy "Justin, Justin, Justin"s that this was a bad song choice for him. He points out that Justin's got all these female fans, and he needs to find songs that enhance the qualities that have gotten him where he is. In other words, Justin has been stuffed in the "sexy" box, and, like Nikki, he shouldn't even think about climbing out. Girls don't want to hear Justin singing about world peace. They want a vocal G-spot massage. Paula thinks Justin's performance was even better than last week's. Of course, Justin could sing the "Kyle's Mom's A Bitch" song from South Park, and it still would make Paula weak in the knees. She thinks tonight's performance was "more authentic." Since Paula never really has anything important to say, Justin takes this moment to apologize yet again for his comments to Simon last week. Why he's apologizing to Paula, I have no idea. Perhaps because it would make Paula even more infatuated with him. Is that even possible? Paula insists that Justin doesn't have to apologize. Well, she's right that he doesn't have to apologize to her. Simon tells Justin that he's "proved himself to be a man" because he's willing to admit when he's made a mistake. Another contradictory statement from our Simon. I thought he liked the attitude. I think that, like Paula, Simon would accept any sort of behavior from Justin. But unlike Paula, his acceptance is dependent on Justin putting out "star" performances. He agrees with both Randy and Paula. He thinks that it was the wrong song for Justin, but believes that he sang it well. Simon believes that the audience will choose the winner based on vocal talent and "star quality."
Justin runs up to Black and Decker, who ask him about the apology. He says that he just wanted to clear the air about the whole little tiff so that they can all move on. They give the blah blah blah votecakes, and when Justin's number pops up onscreen, he leans down and licks the top of the "O." Some people thought that was skeevy. I thought it was funny. Of course, if Brian had done that, I'd file a lawsuit. Black and Decker blather about how we can win a free trip to the final performances, and abuse the word "giddy" some more in another bad joke. You know who's funnier than Black and Decker? Everybody. Let me just grab my phone book. Let's see: Seaver, Walter L., of 233 Woodhaven Street? You, whoever you are, are funnier than Black and Decker. Sanderson Auto Detailing? You are funnier than Black and Decker.
Commercials. Is anybody else annoyed that commercials for colored contact lenses target only women? Like they need prettier eyes to catch themselves a man, while he can have fried eggs in his sockets and it doesn't matter. Wait -- isn't that the concept behind all advertisements targeting women? Never mind.
When we return, it's time for Kelly "You Make Loving Fun" Clarkson, and if the boards and last week's polls are any indication, I suspect she might just be inheriting the (Eeeeeee!) week. Kelly reclines on a couch for her photo shoot, and Andrew tells us that she's still that "down-home" personality, but she has a certain "classiness" as well. So actually, she's the one performer who is exactly how she appears to be. Andrew describes her as a "natural woman." Bonus points for working her song choices into her description.
Black and Decker introduce Kelly to The Octagon to sing "Don't Play That Song," another Aretha Franklin number, though not as well known. Kelly's wearing a black blouse that bares about an inch of torso and has a right sleeve, but no left sleeve. She's also wearing red flared pants with a black see-through wrap around her waist. Those wrap things (sorry, I'm not quite gay enough to know what they're actually called) seem to be the style for the women tonight.
I don't think Kelly's singing is quite as solid tonight. She's got almost as much vibrato in her notes as Christina normally has. The vibrato clears up about halfway through the song. She wails and shows some range like she did last week, but doesn't miss the note this time. I really want her and Tamyra to perform some attitude-laden duet. Anyway, even though I think she slipped a little bit this week, it's still a solid, strong performance.
Judges. Randy "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly"s his approval, saying her voice gave him chills. Paula says that Kelly's "the real deal," and has a strong sense of herself. I hate phrases like "the real deal." I don't like the idea of having other people confirm my identity for me. Yes, I know I'm weird. Simon tells Kelly that she's got "old-fashioned charm" and compares her to Patsy Cline. Somewhere, Natalie Burge pokes a needle into her Kelly voodoo doll and shrieks, "That should have been me! Me!" Simon mentions how the word "diva" is tossed around with wild abandon in regards to female singers. He says that "diva" actually refers to singers who have forgotten who their fans are, and thinks that Kelly would never behave that way. Kelly's not quite sure whether Simon's complimenting her or not, given his erratic messages regarding attitude. Eventually she realizes that he means it in a good way, and thanks him.
Kelly heads up to Black and Decker, who give the blah blah blah votecakes. Then Ryan stands up and heads down to Simon's side for some reason. It's terribly bizarre, and I wonder what's going on. When he gets over to Simon, he leans over the table to Simon to explain to us that he saw Simon snapping his fingers along to Kelly's performance. As I'm sitting here, wondering what the hell Ryan is doing and why he had to go all the way out to Simon to tease him this way, I notice that that Simon is resting his head in his right hand, and his middle finger is pressed against his cheek. Just his middle finger. Ryan's positioning is an attempt to block the view of the finger from the camera, and in the middle of this rant, while the audience is cheering, he grabs Simon's hand away and whispers "watch that finger" into Simon's ear. Simon actually puts the finger back up for just a second before his mind processes Ryan's comment and he pulls it back down. I know some of you thought that Simon was giving Ryan the bird here, but on further review, it's obviously confusion on Simon's part, because the Brits have a different hand gesture for "fuck you" than we do. And as much as it bugs me to admit it, Ryan's attempt to handle it was pretty clever. It's too bad he didn't position his body correctly between Simon and the camera, or we wouldn't have seen it. But then again, since they just throw it to commercials after all that, I don't know why Ryan couldn't have just waited until they were all off-camera to tell Simon. So I'll just take back that compliment. Good. I won't have that eating at me.
Commercials. When we return, Brian is alone on the stage; he calls the audience "[his] people." In your dreams, maybe. He reminds us again that the final performances will be at the [product-placed camera] Theater. He adds, "And no, Whoopi won't be there," like she's beneath them or something. His comment puts me in the awful situation of defending Whoopi, because on her dumbest, unfunniest day (which is a 365-way tie for "all of them"), her coughing fits are funnier than anything that has come out of the mouths of Black and Decker. No, I'm sure there won't be any Whoopi at the final show. On FOX, we'll probably get Carmen Electra and David Arquette. Doesn't that sound like a laff riot?
Brian tosses the show to Ryan, hanging out in Pimp Central, to introduce the finalist, R.J. "Same Old Song And Dance" Helton. Ryan fondles the palm of R.J.'s hand before sending him out to perform. No, really. Ryan must be sad that Christina is getting all of Simon's attention, so he's looking for some action on the side.
In R.J.'s clip show, Black and Decker lie that R.J. is a little shy about showing some "skin." Andrew insists that R.J. wore a long-sleeved shirt for his photo session and they had to "convince" him to wear a tank top. The boy performs in sleeveless shirts every week. The tank top they stick him in reveals about six more square inches of his chest than he normally shows. And it's not even a particularly interesting or sensual six inches. There's no reason why it should trigger his "immorality chip" or anything like that. He tells the camera that the tank top makes him feel "kinda funny." In a sort of "I feel like I should be dancing on a rainbow-colored float" kind of way? Just asking. He says that he's becoming more comfortable with showing himself in his performances, and the photo sessions help. They cut away before Andrew sweet-talks R.J. into taking his pants off and we start veering into Afterschool Special territory.
Black and Decker introduce R.J. as he heads out to The Octagon to sing Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." I thought good Christian folks (and robots) didn't approve of that supernatural stuff. R.J. is wearing a baby-blue sleeveless shirt and jeans. His performance amuses me in its strangeness. "Superstition" was a sensual song the way Stevie sang it, but the lyrics aren't outright sexual. It's a very tame song, and it's the performance that sells it. So it's a song that depends on R.J.'s stage presence. I've never seen a man thrust his hips around repeatedly without being even remotely sexual about it, but somehow R.J. has managed it. And he's honestly trying, but his programming just won't let him get away with it. It's like an eight-year-old girl trying to impersonate Britney. His dancing has improved noticeably, but I still find him to be awkward and uncomfortable moving around onstage. And this, apparently, is a man who teaches ballet to kids. His singing is as non-offensively competent as it always is. The audience stands and claps during the song, and Paula dances around.
Judges: Randy brings up R.J.'s initials again. Sweet Jesus, find something else to say! He thinks the performance was excellent. Paula slams the table and declares, "This is what I've been waiting for! I've been waiting for [R.J.] to do this!" Do what? The same stuff he does every week? She says it was his best performance. That's probably true. Simon agrees with Paula about it being R.J.'s best performance, but adds, "Boy band, yes. American Idol? No." The audience boos.
Black and Decker have to shout over to R.J. several times before he comes to join them. He must have had to reboot after Simon shut him down like that. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Our final contestant tonight is Tamyra "Long Cool Woman," who celebrated a birthday this past week. So the [product-placed] cola moment for the week is a "surprise" birthday party that the kids held for her. It really couldn't be more obvious that she knows what's going on. Somebody tells Tamyra that they need her in "wardrobe" for "something," but doesn't specify what. A cameraman follows her around. The kids are all hanging out in Pimp Central, pretending to frost a cake at the last minute. I'm losing IQ points just by watching this, I'm certain. Tamyra knocks on a door labeled "Wardrobe," but when she goes through it, she's in some hallway, asking the camera, "What's really going on?" in a voice that makes it clear she totally knows what's going on. Instead of heading into wardrobe, she wanders into Pimp Central, and the kids all shout, "Surprise!" The kids dance around and act goofy. So fake. Faker than Kristin's smile.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Tamyra's actual performance. But first, another clip show. Andrew tells us that Tamyra is insecure about her body. Tamyra says she doesn't like to show her legs, because she thinks they look like twigs. So instead, they had a "silly" photo shoot, and Tamyra says she loved it, because she's goofy. "Silly," in this case, is standing in front of a window for the photos and smiling politely. How madcap!
Tamyra hits The Octagon to sing "If I Were Your Woman" by Gladys Knight and The Pips. She's in oranges and browns again with her afro in full force. She's also back to the belly-baring tops, and despite her claims of insecurity, she's wearing a dress with a slit that reveals her left leg. And no shoes. I think one of the cameramen has a foot fetish, because they even do a close-up.
Tamyra's singing starts off a little flat, which seems to be a consistent problem for her. She corrects quickly. She doesn't seem to have as much energy in her performance as she normally does. She warbles a little more around the notes than usual. Overall, it's a typically good performance from her, but I've heard better. Like Kelly, I think she slid a little tonight.
Judges: Randy says that Tamyra's the most consistent of the performers. Damn, Tamyra has a pretty family. They give Christina's family a run for their money. Paula says that it's a privilege to sit there (no fucking kidding) and listen to Tamyra "raise the bar" every week. Paula asks Tamyra if she's a "pole volter." And the [sic] award for this week goes to Paula. Not one to leave Paula with sole custody of the analogies, Simon says that they've gone from a pony (R.J.) to a racehorse (Tamyra). Simon concludes, "If they don't vote [Tamyra] through as the winner of this competition, I think it will be madness, based on that performance."
Tamyra heads over to Black and Decker, who point out that Tamyra didn't invite them to her birthday party. Yeah, take the hint, dimwits. Nobody likes you. They didn't want to have the two of you there and listen to Brian repeatedly make "jokes" about giving Tamyra a birthday spanking. Tamyra points out that, according to the script, it was a surprise party, so it's not her fault they didn't get invited. Blah blah blah votecakes. Brian asks us if it's okay for him to call us "America." That's Mr. America to you. After a clip show of tonight's performances, Black and Decker remind us to vote, vote, vote, and to tune in tomorrow to see who performed her "Last Dance" tonight. Oops, did I just spoil it for you?
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "Tonight, one of these seven finalists will be stuffed into a trash compactor, crushed into a tiny cube, and swallowed whole by a northern snakehead fish." The kids stand in a row across the front of the stage, their shiny, toothy smiles serving as lighting.
Credits. Black and Decker head onstage wearing suits with no ties again. Ryan is wearing glasses again. The audience won't stop cheering. Black and Decker reveal that more than nine million votes were cast last night. After mentioning that the kids will be singing live as a group tonight, they re-introduce the three judges. All three of them -- including Simon -- get huge cheers. I think they could hold up a fetal pig in a jar and this audience would cheer. Calm down, people. Black and Decker introduce the kids, and the audience won't. Shut. Up. It bugs, but it cuts down on Black and Decker's time, so I'm not sure what to think.
Ryan tries to ask Christina a question, but the audience keeps shrieking over him. Eventually, he manages to point out that Christina was in the bottom three last week, but gave what he claims was one of her best performances last night. He asks her what the difference was. She responds that she really loved the song she chose to perform last night and "chose it from [her] heart." So it had nothing to do with her being on-key this time or anything. Black and Decker mention to Ryan Simon's comment that she needs to figure out who she is. They ask her to describe who she thinks she is. She says that she's "half rock, half pop, half R&B, and a quarter of everything else." Well, I suppose that if Janet Jackson can have a huge hit with the song "Alright," we can't go around demanding that aspiring pop stars know math. I'm sure their managers prefer it that way, anyhow.
Now it's time for them to recap the stuff that I've already recapped for you. The monkeys in the production room hadn't properly cued up the clip show in advance, so we get to watch them rewind it for us. Kids sing. Simon repeats his comment to Ryan that her performance last week was a "train wreck." Live in the now, man. Randy tells Christina that she's the most improved. Justin apologizes again. Justin's cousin, one Samuel L. Jackson, talked about Justin on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night and suggested that Justin apologized in order to "get points." Samuel said this admiringly of course. It was obvious that he didn't watch the show, though, so it's still up to you to decide whether or not Justin meant it. Paula calls Kelly "the real deal." Simon says it will be "madness" if Tamyra doesn't win.
Back in the now, the audience is still screaming like mad. Black and Decker try to introduce the group performance from the kids, but the audience still will not shut up. They need to get Ritalin as a sponsor for the show or something. Eventually, Black and Decker manage to spit out that the kids are going to sing Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World" for us. As opposed to the Christmas carol. Because they can't go doing any Christmas carols without Stoned Silent Night Guy. They just can't.
The kids all stand in a row onstage and take turns dancing around and belting out the song, soullessly and barely in tune. They all have their own versions of stage presence, so some are more energetic than others, some are louder than others, and it's just rather strange to watch. It's like they filmed each singer performing solo, then spliced them all together into one piece. There's just no sense of unity in the group performance. As a joke, they have R.J. sing the line about "making sweet love to you." Kelly is allowed to do some extra wailing at the end.
The audience responds as though the kids' singing had caused Jesus to walk the earth once more. Black and Decker try to talk over the crowd to tell us that, "after tonight, one of these people will never sing on this stage again." I wouldn't bother pointing this out, but I know how the episode actually ends.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to announce…no, wait, more clips. Our [product-placed] car scene this week is about which kids are the messiest. Kelly and Ryan are big slobs. The end.
Now it's time to start announcing who sucks. They're handling it the same way as last week by revealing who is in the bottom three. Tamyra gets the thumbs up from the judges, Earth, and a few other planets with advanced technology. The same goes for Kelly. Nikki isn't so lucky; she's one of the bottom three performers. Ryan got mediocre comments from the judges. The voters agreed; she's also in the bottom three. Everybody loves R.J. except for Simon, but he's staying. That leaves Christina and Justin. One of them is in the bottom three. Justin looks concerned, but Christina's grim smile makes me think that she's certain it's her. But of course, they're not going to tell us which one it is until after the commercial break, causing Christina to let go of Justin's and R.J.'s comforting hands in frustration. Heh. She's all, "You pulled this shit on me last week, too."
Commercials. When we return, they finally reveal who the third possible rejectee is. It's Christina. No, wait, it's not. It's Justin. Really. Justin! Man, once you lose the (Eeeeeee!), anything can happen. Christina, though, is the one who looks shocked. She totally thought it would be her. Heh. She nearly starts celebrating before she realizes that it means the guy sitting right to her is the one taking her place up at The Octagon. She gives Justin a brief comforting gasp as he stands up and heads over to join Black and Decker. He doesn't look particularly concerned, but not very smug either. I'm sure he realized that this would probably happen at least once, even if he does end up winning the contest. Plus, he's so getting a contract anyway. Simon loves his ass. The three potential rejectees all hug.
Black and Decker ask the judges why they think Ryan, Nikki, and Justin got the fewest votes this week. Randy says that the three of them gave the worst performances of the evening. He tells the three of them that they need to "raise their name to the nth degree" in order to compete. "The Nth Degree" would be the name of my punk-techno band, but I suspect it's already taken. Paula, for some reason, has been replaced on the panel with a stone gargoyle. Black and Decker ask it about Justin's drop to the bottom three. It just sits there, mouth hanging open. A pigeon lands on its head. Eventually, it speaks. Oh, it's Paula after all; she says that she'd be a liar if she said she understood why Justin didn't get the votes. There's that myth that Eskimos have no words for "snow," because it's simply part of their environment. (It's not true, of course. That's like saying that we have no words for "air" or "grass." Or "mall.") Anyway, I don't think Paula understands the words for "bad performance," because the concept has enveloped her career so thoroughly that she wouldn't even know how to recognize it. She does mention that at this stage of the game, song selection is important. She blathers on that everyone was great, but some were just better than great or whatever. I think she's more frightened at the possibility of Justin's ejection than Justin himself is. Simon says that the competition is really heating up now, because they've gotten rid of all the contestants who have no talent. Yes, he actually says that. He adds that song selection is key at this point and will determine who moves on.
Now it's time to let one of the three off the hook. Black and Decker announce that Nikki is safe and can head back to the others. She looks honestly relieved. She gives Ryan a big hug, probably quelling some rumors that the two of them don't like each other, then hugs Justin, then heads back to the sofa, fighting back tears. So that leaves Justin and Ryan. And we'll find out who's leaving…after this commercial break.
No, no, no, no no. Adam Baldwin should not have facial hair. He's butch enough without it. He should be clean-cut. Clean-cut!
When we return from commercials, it's time for the big announcement. Who will it be? Black and Decker say that the vote was extremely close, and one of them just squeaked by. I'd try to draw out the tension for you, but you already know, so what's the point? Justin stays; Ryan goes. Justin gives Ryan a big hug. The kids all come out to join Ryan as she starts to cry. We see Ryan's family in the audience, clapping politely. Black and Decker ask her if she has any comments. Her voice is even deeper when she's trying to talk while crying. Honestly, I know women who were born as men who have higher voices than Ryan. Ryan says that she learned a lot and grew from the competition, and she singles out Simon to tell him that despite his harsh criticism, she learned a lot from him and appreciates all he's done for her. Ryan may not be very smart, but she's not entirely stupid, if that makes any sense. She gets a final clip show, featuring clips of her auditions and performances, with her voicing over how much she's learned during this competition. She wears shredded clothing. She's voted into the finals. She voices over that music "touches" people and an idol is something people look up to. For some reason, they insert a clip here of Ryan nearly hitting herself on the head with a hammer while helping Habitat for Humanity. Hee. She blathers on about being who she is or whatever. She says she hoped she brought a smile to our faces. And not a few leers as well.
The kids mill around Ryan as Black and Decker ask the judges for final comments. Randy tells Ryan to keep striving. Paula calls herself an artist, which is funnier than anything Black and Decker have said this week, and says that Ryan rose above the criticism she got last week to give a stellar performance. Well, obviously she didn't, because she still got voted out. And how is this helpful advice? At all? She's just rehashing her old comments. She says she's sure Ryan's going to be a big star. It's Simon's turn, and now that he thinks they're actually dropping somebody with talent, he's going to show his softer side. He tells Ryan to call him anytime she wants for any help she needs. He thinks Ryan has grown a lot during the competition. Awwww.
After reminding us to tune in again week to see "six go at it" (bam-chicka-bam-bam), Black and Decker ask Ryan to sing them out with another rendition of "Last Dance," contradicting their own comments earlier. Ryan starts to sing -- badly, of course, because she's crying her eyes out -- and the other kids join in. She gets in about five words before the show runs out of time and she gets cut off. Heh. Well, it's still a better send-off than A.J.'s.