One Less 'Bot To Answer

Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically recaps last week's events. It's the brief clip of Christina in a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance that gives it all that special "you are watching FOX" touch of class. Everybody cried. Christina was voted off. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically concludes, "Who will join her this week?" In the hospital? Possibly Paula, if she doesn't get her meds under control, or Brian, if I ever get my hands on him.

Credits. Ryan "Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed?" Seacrest and Brian "Underneath The Overpass" Dunkleman enter the theater from the back of the cheap seats this time around. I assume it's so we can get a better view of the cheering crowd, but they should have perhaps considered the lighting before pulling this trick. As they're walking down the steps through the seats, the camera is positioned so that all I can actually see are the spotlights searing holes directly into my retinas. Better or worse than looking at Black and Decker? Not sure. The folks in the audience cheer. The quality of the signs has improved drastically.

Black and Decker walk up toward the stage to introduce themselves. Ryan stops to greet a little baby. Ryan would never have (or adopt, rather) a baby of his own; he doesn't need somebody else competing for the attention that should always be lavished upon him. Anyway, Black and Decker remind us that they're live, and incite more crowd cheering. There's a dumb joke about Ryan not being very smart. Nobody laughs. They probably don't realize it's a joke.

Then they introduce us to Christina, who is back and seated in the front row. She tells the crowd that she's feeling better and that she's glad to be there. She gets the chance to give the goodbye "thank you" message that she was denied when she was brought to the hospital for a dehydrated, hypoglycemic asthmatic attack, or whatever they've finally settled on. These folks should watch more cop shows, where they teach you how to get your stories straight. Her message is bland and unremarkable. She loved the experience, appreciates the support, et cetera.

Black and Decker tell us that tonight's theme is "Love Songs," and ask for the house lights to be dimmed. Thanks, but I think I've already got permanent nerve damage by now. They blather on about lighting candles and such, making me wonder if they had decorated the set for romantic performances. But no, it's just talk: When they introduce the finalists up on the stage, it looks the same as it always does, like the kids are coming out to present awards, not to sing. Would some red curtains have broken the bank? Tamyra has relaxed her hair and now bears a striking resemblance to Christina from a distance. You know, I had no idea what "relaxer" was until I started recapping this show. Hey, Wayne Brady is in the audience. Go push R.J. off the stage (again) and sing in his place, Wayne. Please? How about a song about iron miners done in the style of Prince?

Now it's time to introduce the judges. Ryan calls Randy "Something Big" Jackson his friend and "lover." Shout-out? Or are they coming out? He even gives Randy a hug. Brian introduces Paula "In The Land Of Make-Believe" Abdul as his lover. Ew. Paula isn't aware enough to be skeeved out by Brian. Then Brian introduces Simon "The Hangman" Cowell as "nobody's lover." Projecting, are we, Brian?

Black and Decker then explain to us what the theme really is. They enlisted the help of classic pop composer Burt Bacharach to "work" with the kids and force them to sing his songs. Er, rather, "help them select which Burt songs to sing tonight." I don't like Burt Bacharach. Let me explain: I'm a very holistic music fan and generally pay little attention to technique or vocal difficulty. I'm interested in the emotional depth of the performance and the overall quality of the music, and whether it makes me feel anything. I like the lyrics for many of Bacharach's songs, which is funny, because he didn't write most of them. But the depth and subtlety of the lyrics are pretty much ruined for me by Burt's plink-plonking, smarmy, saccharine compositions. It is, indeed, a mark of a good performer who can not only hit the highs and lows of a Bacharach song, but also sell the lyrics. But because I'm not into the technical aspects of music, I'm instead annoyed by the dissonance between the lyrics and the composition. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to brush my teeth and go bite Gustave's "richly textured, bossanova-flavored, Dionne Warwick-vocalized" ass.

In a clip show, we meet the aging smarm-meister. Of course, the first thing they explain to us is that Bacharach was in the Austin Powers movies. Really, that's only a step above introducing him by showing all the commercials his songs have been used in. We see Burt croon away at the piano. The guy's got a head shaped like a light bulb. Black and Decker declare his work with the finalists as the collaboration of "two musical generations." Because, you know, Debra Byrd and Simon Cowell are Justin and Tamyra's contemporaries. They all practice "That's What Friends Are For" and sound awful and I hate that song so much. Christina is still there in the clips, so this all must have happened before last week's shows. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) calls Bacharach a genius and says his songs are "masterpieces." Bacharach says the kids are "good." Wow. Bring on the high praise. Heh. Burt thinks they all suck. He didn't even bother to attend the live performances. Justin hams to the camera that Burt is the "hippest senior citizen alive." Thanks for reminding me that Rosemary Clooney just died. Sigh.

Now that the clip show has put the fear of God in us with an awful practice, it's time to get to the actual torture of a live performance. We return to The Octagon of Judgment to hear the five finalists sing "That's What Friends Are For" together. Justin hammily mimes playing the harmonica at the opening of the song. They sit on chairs, refusing to harmonize or blend in any way, shape, or form. I can't even hear R.J. singing. Kelly gets her own diva note as they hit the halfway mark. They stand up and move to the front of the stage. The folks in the audience wave their hands back and forth as they were instructed to do before the show started. Actually, they do start harmonizing a bit, finally, about a verse and a half before the song ends, and it's not so bad. I thought it was awful the night I saw it, but now that I'm watching it again with the memory of the Wednesday-night medley still lodged in my brain like a tumor, it doesn't seem so bad. The audience cheers. R.J. gestures to somebody in the audience that he needs some more oil. Black and Decker have to point out that now they're going to pit these friends against each other, because FOX is afraid that its viewers think "irony" is something you get in vitamin supplements.

Commercials. Hey, an Austin Powers ad! What a coincidence.

When we return, it's finally time for the first solo performance. Kelly "Be True To Yourself" Clarkson (Eeeeeee!) will start us off. The clip show for each singer tonight features their practices with Bacharach and his opinions about each of them. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) called her mom to let her know that she's working with Burt. We see clips of her practicing "Anyone Who Had A Heart" with Bacharach, and he loves her voice and her singing. And himself. He tells the camera, "I like the song. It's one of my favorite songs that I've written." However, Kelly (Eeeeeee!) later changed her mind and decided to go with "Walk On By" instead. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) tells the camera that "song selection is key" (drink!) and she wanted something that was better for her. Burt says that Kelly (Eeeeeee!) is a great singer and has a great shot at winning the competition.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads to The Octagon wearing a red bustier and black flared pants, her hair pulled back and piled up on her head. Simple, but pretty. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) has decided to continue with the belting, and sings "Walk On By" as if it's an order from a drill sergeant, and not a melancholy passive-aggressive plea for attention, as it should be. You know, it'd be okay if she changed the mood of the song to make the meaning some sort of gesture of defiance, but when she also belts out the lines that indicate the singer's titular request is a big lie, it simply doesn't work. There's also a lot of warbling coming from her tonight, and she's usually the one who holds out the notes. Overall, an okay performance, but very unsubtle and too flashy. But she gets a standing ovation anyway.

Judges. Randy "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly"s that he doesn't think this was one of her best performances. The crowd starts booing, but Kelly (Eeeeeee!) tells Randy, "I understand," repeatedly, like some sort of reassurance that she wasn't entirely happy with it either. Still, he liked the performance. Paula brings up the song choice thing again and says she thought Kelly (Eeeeeee!) would have done a great job with "Anyone Who Had A Heart." However, she thinks Kelly (Eeeeeee!) did a good job and made "Walk On By" her own. Well, yes, but as I've said before, that's not always a good thing. Simon starts his comments with a tone of disappointment in his voice, telling Kelly (Eeeeeee!) that she's proven that she's more than just a good singer. But there is no "but" to his comment. Instead, he thanks her for entering the competition and admits that they didn't really pick up on her talent in the audition rounds. He tells Kelly (Eeeeeee!) that he's sure she's going to be a big star by the end of the competition.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who ask her about her song selection and the change. She explains that she had never heard the ending to "Anyone Who Had A Heart" before and felt that it didn't fit her range. She agrees that it's a great song, but it just wasn't right for her voice, so she went with something that was more "bluesy." Hear that, Ryan Starr? Liking a song isn't the same as being able to sing it. Blah blah blah votecakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for R.J. "God Give Me Strength" Helton. Black and Decker narrate over the clip show that R.J.'s rehearsals with Bacharach "got off to a shaky start." Gee, what a surprise. They practice "Arthur's Theme," and Burt tells the camera that R.J. was really shy and worried that the song was too high for him. R.J. explains that Burt brought the song down about half a step and everything was fine. R.J. continues that he knew he wanted to sing "Arthur's Theme" because the first line is, "Once in your life you will find her." Wow, that was the most unconvincing insistence of heterosexuality I've heard. He's going to be disappointed when the song doesn't continue, "A girl who will accompany you on your first trip to a gay bar and make sure you dress hot." Having a near orgasm over the fact that the first line in a song is about falling in love with a girl is about as pathetic and transparent an attempt to disguise one's sexuality as dating Nicole Kidman. Burt concludes that R.J. had a real "sweetness" about him when he sang the song, and says that he was good.

R.J. hits The Octagon dressed like an accountant on casual Friday in a short-sleeved white button-up shirt and black slacks. I'd suggest that he's not gay given the way he dresses, but he still manages to dress better than I do, so I still have doubts. He plants his feet on the stage as if there are magnets under the floor pulling him down, and ski-dances and warbles his way through "Arthur's Theme." It's like every other R.J. performance: bland, non-charismatic, soulless, and mechanical. At least he doesn't forget the words this time.

Judges. Wait a minute. The people who used to be sitting behind the judges have been removed and replaced with Ryan Starr, Jim Verraros, EJay Day, and Christina. The hell? What happened to those other people? And what the hell happened to EJay? Are the mirrored glasses and Justin-sized afro supposed to draw attention away from his jaw? Eh, whatever; I've moved on to crushing on Adam Baldwin again, so no more embarrassing comments about the singing orc boy from me.

Judges, second try. Did you know that Randy and R.J. have the same initials? Fascinating. In the background, Christina looks really, really worried about what the judges are going to say. Randy says he thought R.J. sounded really nervous when he started, but ended well. Paula says that she thought the song fit R.J.'s vocal register really well. Simon tries to give his comments while Ryan Starr practically has spasm attacks behind him. The camera angle is such that her breasts are always in focus right behind Simon's left shoulder. Simon tells R.J. that he's "out of his depth" against the other competitors. Behind him, Jim starts shaking his head "no" with great exaggeration. Shut up, Jim. America voted you off the damned show after the first week of finals. So shut up. You suck. Shut up. Jim reaches over and hugs Ryan, who shouts out, "You suck as a judge!" Ryan, read my comments to Jim. Or have somebody read them to you. Also, shut up. Count yourself lucky we can't vote you out of the audience. Shut. Up. Simon continues that R.J. was "okay" and maybe some people like him. His usual comments. Suddenly, R.J.'s decided that he's heard enough of the broken record that is Simon and gives him a wave of dismissal, walking off before Simon can finish. At the American Family Association headquarters, an alarm goes off, warning their technicians that the behavior modulation filters on their prototype have started malfunctioning. They must have forgotten to recalibrate after fiddling with his "declarations of heterosexuality" subroutine.

R.J. heads up to Black and Decker, and Paula feels the need to point out R.J.'s snub to everybody. Yes, we know, honey. Just drink whatever tranquilizers they've put in your [product-placed cola] cup tonight and shut up. Of course, she says this admiringly, and Black and Decker feel the need to point out that Simon usually gets that sort of brush-off from women. Again with the projection. Black and Decker mention that the kids get to do all sorts of Hollywood things, including attending the premiere of XXX. They ask R.J. who he was most excited to meet there. There's a brief pause as R.J.'s programming blocks his first answer ("Vin Diesel. In the bathroom. And then again in the back of his limo."); instead he goes with Gwen Stefani. She's cool. And a girl! Blah blah blah votecakes.