I love that exciting gladiator music where it seems like everybody might be going on a space mission while they intercut all kinds of footage and unknown memories, and then their little faces looking so intense, and then little Ryan being all intense in the Twilight drama. He seems to have continued his course of Charles Atlas's Dynamic Training Method or whatever has got him so aggro this week, for sure: His "This is AMERICAN IDOL" thing has never seemed so hairy-chested. Seacrest out. Of Control!
He leads us to applaud ourselves for voting so hard, and then delivers the sad news that Gokey will be entrancing us with his whole deal tonight. We'll see if that happens. Randy boos Simon, always classy, and then Ryan tells us that Simon has taken back some of his kinder words from last night -- in fact, that he turned off the TV during one performance. Ellen explains that last night she felt that Katelyn was playing the piano like a "soft, sweet guitar," which is why she misread her notes. Then we sing a Blac Eyed Peas "song."
Which, on principle we're not going there, but I will tell you that when you're actually watching it -- actually, you know, in The Shit -- this totally fake kids on this totally fake show, lip-syncing the fake song of fake band Black Eyed Peas, with embarrassed fake smiles and cheesy fake dance moves, complete with fake autotuning, it becomes a beautiful fakeness trompe-l'œil. Epic. It makes me want to just get a bunch of plastic surgery and do a bunch of coke and pretend that Neuromancer is real because if you wish hard enough maybe it happens. Sometimes, I'm saying, when the light is just right and the corporate-branded satellites align in the firmament, when NewsCorp is conjunct Virgin Mobile with Coca-Cola rising, for that brief moment, it is Ryan Seacrest's world. And we're just lucky enough to be living in it.
Okay, back row boys: Big Mike, Casey eclipsed and occulted entirely by his bulk, Todrick looking like six miles of bad road, John Park and Tim Urban. Tim's up first, with his unspecial "Come On Get Higher" having been undermined by his stage presence, and that lack of performance skills undermined in turn by his total hotness. Safe, clearly. Todrick's Tina cover pissed off Randy, Ellen and Kara find him confusing, and Simon thought it was theme-parky. They were wrong, but America... Nope, not yet, he's back-burnered. So Mike's "Man's World" really impressed everybody for some reason, and he's clearly safe too. No mention of his baby, if you possibly can bring yourself to care.
Casey, terrified, hears about Randy/Ellen's love and Kara/Simon's hate of his Gavin DeGraw, and is genuinely relieved when he gets through. Last is John, who was utterly forgettable and Simon said was going down. Randy says both JP and Todrick have "lost the plot," because the thing that sold them onto the show originally has evaporated. So between the two of them, John is going home and Todrick's safe. Good, that's what I wanted. Scare Todrick a little bit more and we'll see how crazy he goes.
John is totally awesome and sweet, tosses Shania another bone, and Ryan approves of his total lack of regrets, and he sings his boring song again. It's sort of a bummer because I really feel like he had a shot, but a lot of things added up to him going out ASAP. I don't know what he could have done differently, though, since he's pretty dedicated to doing this thing he does, at which he is admittedly fantastic, but which is not 2010-relevant. Maybe 2009? Maybe 2011? But not today, and not in this particular mix of kids. John sounds very good, John shows totally effortless class as per, John goes away forever.
Front Row, which happens to contain all the more intensely styled of the contestants and thus, when they stand together like this, makes them look like the worst boyband of all time. You got Jermaine doing his blipster-nerd thing, Andrew looking like a waste management associate as usual, Alex looking like an exchange student from the Homeschool Zone, Aaron who has a very long road of personal discoveries before him after his total ouster tonight, and Thug Life Lee.
Lee sang that meth-rock song, which everybody loved obviously, and he's safe. Aaron is adorable in every single way, like a sweet little kitten about to get steamrolled into a sweet little kitten pancake... And is SAFE. Oh, no. No no no. What? Then Lambchop, the ripening banana of a bewigged manchild, is of course safe because he's managed to become the most interesting, and he looks like he's going to barf. Which leaves Jermaine and Andrew, who both go to the center seal with their separate neck tattoos begging the question. Andrew's "You Give Me Something" was gross and boring, while Jermaine's song, whatever it was, was less than church-worthy.
I don't honestly care which one goes home. They've both thrown us so many curves in the short time they've been here that the idea of both staying is exhausting. But on pure creative potential, I'm going with Jermaine. Ellen is despondent about losing one of them, because they are both talented. Yeah, that's a good way to say it. But nope, it's Jermaine who's going home. Ah well, that does sort of make sense. They kept pretending everybody belonged in his box and it just sort of scribbled over him. Ryan wonders if the backtalking was the problem, but Jermaine says it's more like blah blah God blah blah blah.
If they would just move Lacey and Lilly closer together then I wouldn't be so stressed out about Danny Gokey's imminent arrival. The red, red rage would have a focus. But as it is, like, I'm actually getting back pain thinking about how that is going to happen at any moment. One second there will be no Gokey, and the moment BOOM. Lilly looks really super pretty tonight, by the way. After hearing the one millionth "Welcome to the Pit of Despair, don't even think about trying to escape" joke, I think it's fair to toss her one when she looks acceptable-to-lovely.
The unnamed performer who now takes the stage has a new single called "My Best Days Are Ahead Of Me," and he still looks the same amount of douchey and fake and horrible, and the song is remedial pop-country, real shitty written-by-community chords and incredibly Danny-centric lyrics. This is my favorite part:
There's only one or two things that I'd change if I could
I don't get lost in the past or get stuck in some sad memory
Yeah!
So I guess we're... Over the mourning period.
There's some bavardage with Ellen, but honestly the idea of watching Danny Gokey attempt to have a conversation, after all these decades without having to deal with that particular nightmare, makes me want to sit on a knife.
Didi, Michelle, Katie, Paige, Lilly. Lilly's "Change Is Gonna Come" was Randy's favorite thing, and it made me like Lilly a whole lot more as a human (but still not as a goblin) -- and made her safe. She really can be charming when she stops pretending to be herself. Paige's happy rendition of Kara's angry song made her almost relevant, and she's safe of course. So far, so good. Brigadier Stevens in her side-pony sang the song about putting records on, even though Katie's never seen a record album. She is, of course, safe. Leaving Didi and Michelle, who both deserve to go home.
Didi's "Lean On Me" was a weird choice for her, and Simon hated the vocal. She is also the cutest, prettiest, sweetest girl in the world and I wish she were my babysitter long ago. Michelle is less vile than she was a week ago, due to my Baby Crazy giving her the kid pass, and she did something pretty interesting conceptually with "Arms Wide Open," and seems to be a more interesting person overall than you would think. And a much crappier singer.
Michelle looks solidly worried, Didi looks like she wants to firebomb the entire place and get the fuck out of there. All in all, Kara didn't like Michelle's performance as much when she watched it back, and seems to think Didi should stay. Then, though, it's Didi who is safe, which really blows her mind, and Michelle sings her song again, and it's really, really pretty again, and Katie deals with the wreckage of Didi up on the risers like the little 3PO she is.
Michelle says she got too into the judging aspect and perfectionism, and didn't keep her eyes on the performance itself. That's really insightful. I think maybe I jumped the gun on her, frankly, because she is doing a stellar job of keeping it together even though she's obvs devastated. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it overmuch, because really that's just ego about my instincts talking. You know I'll flip on anybody so fast, watch: The Katy Perry interview in NYLON this month? Outstanding. I still hate her, but I no longer worry about people who have to deal with her. She is charming. Likewise, Michelle, I'm sure there are secret terrible things about you we never got to know, but for what we saw: Sorry I was so horrible about you, Lady. But I got twenty more of these bitches to worry about right now.
I mean. Seriously? Aaron Kelly? Are you kidding me with this shit? He's unripened fruit -- in more ways than one -- but with him it's more like... Raw cookie dough. Somewhat tasty now when you've got the sweet tooth, but oh the tummy-rumbling in an hour when you see what you did. What if somebody pops him in the fontanelle with a boom mic? He'll... Go berserk or something. Whatever happens when a boom mic touches your developing brain. He's just so unformed and well-nourished. He makes Kevin Covais look like Kevin Federline!
Katelyn, Crystal, Haeley, Lacey, Siobhan. Wonder how this will go. Katelyn is maybe the most serious musician in the competition this year, and has many colors yet to show, so she's safe. Crystal is going to win this shit -- as my buddy DJ Faith Gay said the other day, "I stopped watching that show the second they showed Fantasia. What's the point? Twenty weeks to find out what we already fucking knew?" -- and, I do love to see this, the other kids get as excited as the crowd when they learn she's safe. Siobhan continues to be the most interesting human ever on this show, and she is... STILL SAFE. Every time that happens, it weirds me out and I get goosebumps and church shivers. Keep it rolling, girl. I need you here.
So duh, it's down to Haeley's "Climb" and Lacey's "Who Cares What Song." Both of whom need to go home. One of whom I actually think has an inventive and inquisitive and fascinating mind, even if she has no idea what the hell she's doing, like, ever. And then there's Lacey, who sets off every single trouble flag I have in my entire arsenal. Jessica Sierra could watch this girl walk into a room and be like, "Drama incoming! Report, report!" Simon says it's very obvious who's going home -- "To you," Ryan says, and Simon's like, "Nope, to everybody." Including Haeley, who looks very sad and who activates Lacey's mama-bear thing those girls always have so very hard their mics get caught in each others' shirts.
Haeley's like, "I know damn well what went wrong, and it is not a problem." Which is honestly the greatest thing she could have said, because word. I still believe in you, little one.
Then Ryan and Stage Manager Debbie get into a tiny little screaming match that's really intense and Ryan calls her "Baby," which you don't do to stage tech ladies because they will Ellen James your ass so fast. I love the idea of Debbie pinning him to a garbage dumpster in about ten minutes and going, "So help me God if you ever call me Baby again I will fucking flip you off the stage," but coming back from video package there's Ryan and Debbie giggling about it and she's making excuses in her hilarious way, and he lets her go without demanding the usual creepy hug. I mean, everybody's so fascinated by his weird relationship with Simon, and a surprising amount of people seem to be really intrigued by my feelings about him, but just think about how he always has weird relationships with Debbie the Stage Manager, and with Randy, and with Kara, and like, those are just the ones we see. You know?
Well, Haeley just started crying in the middle of her song (after shooting Simon a hugely pointed, manic smile, which is another awesome thing about who Haeley is) and this has caused a domino effect of just everybody crying -- Crystal, Big Mike, Siobhan, Katelyn, Katie's just a total mess -- which I have to say, there has been some pathos in this show -- I'm still kind of wrecked about Constantine going home, even if I still wish him brutal dismemberment otherwise, and that was like sixty boyfriends ago -- and even still, this one was just awful. Normally at this point they're all just vague ideas, just one million lookalike puppies at the pound and it's hard to really care which one gets a home, but... She was just a sparkling little gem of a person, and I was taken with her.
It's like... Okay, here is little Kylie from the Windows ads, and unicorns. Right about here, where I'm pointing. And then right here under that is Ryan Seacrest and Diet Coke, and then Alexis Stewart and Rosemarie DeWitt are about here. And then Haeley occupies the space down, and I'm fairly certain she always will. God. What a nightmare this show can be. On the other hand, I'm glad they didn't show Ryan weeping in Simon's arms, both because that would completely undo me, and also because it would be a really complicated visual to like process.
Any case, week we'll make the trek back to Planet Seacrest for three more hours, and then the, um, show actually starts. LYLAVIP, keep an eye on Aaron's soft spot for me, and we'll see you there.
See what Simon has to say about his replacements.