By Joe R
"Tonight...because we're suddenly really needy and petrified of audience erosion and we heard you guys liked it so OH GOD DON'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL WE'VE GOT MORE BEATLES SONGS WE PROMISE! This...is American Idol."
So instead of having the Top 11 parade across the stage like they do during semifinals, the show instead had them descend the two staircases on the Starship Enterprise stage of theirs, then stand perfectly and awkwardly still for the cameras. It's like they're being auctioned off for nefarious purposes, and lord knows David Archuleta doesn't need another reason to look freaked out right now. (Though, seriously, I don't know what he's worried about. If Beatles Night II isn't the perfect opportunity for a redemption arc after We-Can-Blurph-It-Blah-gate, nothing is.) Anyway, David Cook's got some sort of orange rubber band around his fist, Carly still needs to get a makeover (I'm sure Tyra has a ratty blonde weave lying around somewhere), and Ramiele is dressed like such a moron that I mistook her for Asia'h. Let's get this started!
Ryan introduces the judges, then tries to sell us on the bullshit that while last week the theme was "Lennon/McCartney," this week the theme is "The Beatles." Totally different! Randy's wearing this powder-blue sweater (probably because he's a fan of the hateful Tar Heels), and Paula is dressed like a shot of Goldschlager, and they prattle on about the contestants learning from their mistakes last week. Simon and Ryan embark upon their annual discussion about whether this is a talent competition or a popularity contest and their answer, as ever is, "uh, both, I guess."
Video package telling us all about who The Beatles were. Hey, you don't have to tell me. I saw Across the Universe.
Amanda is up first, and we're reminded how she southern fried "You Can't Do That" to (I thought) great effect. Tonight she'll be singing "Back In The U.S.S.R." (wow, two weeks and she didn't go for "Helter Skelter" once, huh?), because it has a "blues element." She also promises to "tease it up real high and throw some eyeliner on it," which had to have been given with something of a wink to her own image, because when we see her onstage she has definitely taken Paula's advice to heart (...I know) about toning down the fright-night stuff. It starts out kind of shaky -- she's getting lost amid the band and stage and lights and song -- but she pulls out of it and gives a good performance. The reason I like Amanda, when I do, is her absolute boundless joy at being able to get up on a stage and sing these songs. That's why it killed me those two weeks when it seemed like she wanted to shrink away and die. This is a girl who loves to sing and perform and strut around and throw a stray "child" on the end of a lyric and she does it well enough that she got this big, giant stage to perform on. And I finally think she's loving that, which makes me love her. When she's not butchering Kansas songs, that is. Randy and Paula both agree the beginning was off, but they ultimately liked it, and her. Simon found it predictable and messy and says Amanda's getting "boring." As he so often is, Simon's right and wrong. Yes, it's the same every week, but no, I don't think we, as an audience with hearing capabilities, would be better served by Amanda stepping out of that box. Does that mean that she's too one-dimensional and shouldn't win? Uh, yeah, probably. Sorry, hon. Of course, she goes and ruins it all by scoffing "Ballads are boring." Sigh. She does make a valid point, though, in saying that her performances are designed to show the audience the type of show they'd get if they paid to see her. Simon's all, "You're not selling out arenas yet," but Amanda evenly says that she means any show, down to a bar in Louisiana. Fair enough, say Simon and I. Huh, that went from a potential pissy tirade to a pretty cool moment (whenever you can get Simon Cowell to relate to you as an equal, you win -- which is why I still love Danny Noriega).
After the break, Ryan and Kristy Lee are on the cola stools, and she's got photo albums with her. They're her security blanket, basically, and whenever she gets overwhelmed she looks at photos of her family, her friends, horses she sold to pay for airfare. That kind of thing. Kristy Lee then interviews about how she always seems to be the second-to-last person at eliminations. Yeah, I think Kristy Lee is pretty much resigned to the fact that she's not long for this show, but she appears to be committed to having fun while she lasts, which I enjoy. She's singing "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away," and while she does a better job of integrating her twangy country thing into the song, the vocals pretty much have nowhere to hide, and she's just not that good. She does hit her one big note at the end, but my guess is that won't be enough to save her. Randy, not surprisingly, wishes the whole song would've been big notes. You guys? I'm starting to believe him about having produced records for Whitney, Mariah, and Celine. Paula, equally predictably, compliments how Kristy looks (which...sheer sleeves on a sparkly A-line dress? I can believe Paula would dig that). Simon suggests hypnosis as a method to cure her of her terminal boringness onstage. He even hauls out the old "musical wallpaper" line, but he does grant it was better than last week. Kristy Lee tells Ryan the Beatles theme hasn't been the best for her, but she promises to come back week and "blow [Simon] out of [his] socks." Which: a) perhaps keeping this socks-blowing talent under a bushel for six weeks now wasn't the best idea, and b) ew. Hilariously, all eyes turn to Ryan at that remark, with Randy even doing that "Ryan...Ryan..." thing when he's about to say something really weird. Randy, haven't you read Details? Ryan's way too busy to have gay sex.
Archuleta! (Yeah, I'm not happy about transitioning from gay sex to David Archuleta either, but what are you gonna do?) On the subject of his much-discussed lyric-flubbing last week, David says his first thought was, "Dang it!" Oh SHUT UP. I totally didn't expect I would be the one turning on this kid, but for Chrissakes, he's seventeen. Jesus ain't looking, dude, say what you really feel. He's singing "The Long And Winding Road," and he doesn't forget any words and sings it clearly and strongly and wonderfully. But here's the thing: when Amanda sings, I feel like I'm in a bar; when David Cook sings, I feel like I'm in a club; when Brooke sings, I feel like I'm in an amphitheater; when Jason sings, I feel like I'm in my dealer's living room; but when David Archuleta sings, I feel like I'm watching a high school talent show. Every time. And it's a performing arts high school for gifted kids, absolutely. And he's clearly the best in the talent show, and he'll totally win and deservedly so. But if you're asking me to list the places I'd pay to be, I'd rather see Amanda at the bar, David Cook at the club, Brooke at the concert hall, and Jason at my dealer's house than go to David A.'s talent show.
Brooke White is dressed in a bright yellow sundress because she actually brings light into the universe. She talks about having her family come to visit, including some from Nova Scotia "if you know where that is." I get all set to yell at her about taking her audience for dummies but then I realize what show I'm watching. She shouts out her husband in the crowd but the camera doesn't cut to him. That's weird. Have we seen him yet? Is he all hideous and deformed? Is he old? Like, creepy René Angélil old? I don't want to start rumors or anything, but...Brooke White is married to René Angélil, I think. Brooke is the first person to mention how Beatles Night II freaked her out because "Let It Be" turned out so well and (they don't let her complete the thought, so I will) it's a lot to live up to. She's singing "Here Comes The Sun," which is not one of my favorite songs and it's way too matchy-matchy with the shiny, happy Brooke image. She starts it off by sitting on the staircase (ugh), and pretty much from note one she's off-pitch and warbly and just unpleasant to listen to. Which is a shame, because she's one of the few who are capable of giving a performance I'll really love. It also becomes apparent why she's better off behind a piano or guitar -- she's all limbs-akimbo, like a less coordinated Michael Johns. She cheesily twirls around with a "Whooo!" Not a good time. Randy calls the performance very "awkward," and Brooke quickly apologizes for the accidental "Whooo!" We also find out, tonight, that Brooke is one of those people who has to answer every bit of criticism they get, interrupting Randy every three second with either an excuse or an "I know." Let the judges speak their nonsensical piece! Case in point: Paula loved that the yellow dress matched the title of the song. Yup. Simon thought it was "terrible," and Brooke has to quell the chorus of boos that follow. She gets interrupty again while Simon calls out the bad dancing, no conviction, and...wetness? He thinks it was too "wet." She says it's cool because they usually like her, and she was conflicted about the performance and blah, blah, blah. She's word vomiting at this point. Ryan finally makes the save and they both acknowledge the flailing limbs issue, and she basically reiterates that last week went so well that she was bound to fail this week. I...suppose? She promises to go back to being awesome week.
David Cook is , and you should all know that David Cook is causing me way more internal turmoil than he really should. I've very much enjoyed him, yet every other person whose opinion I respect can't stand him. He must be at least a little aware of the undercurrent of hate he's getting from the enlightened circles because he's very upfront about the fact that he'll be doing the Whitesnake version of "Day Tripper." Full disclosure and all that. It won't help him one bit, but it's an admirable effort. So, yes: another junk-rock version of a song, which I don't object to in theory, but in practice this particular performance does nothing for me. And then? The Peter Framptonator. That thing that makes your voice sound like a guitar and the guitar sound like your voice. I'm told it's called a "talk box." What it is is ridiculously stupid and annoying and showy and douchey and everything everybody's ever said about David Cook that I didn't think was accurate. Thanks, man. Thanks for waiting until the week I recap you to prove all my (your) detractors right. No, thanks a lot. Randy likes it because it looks like a rock show. Yeah, but not one I'd want to see (he's falling pretty close to the Archuleta Talent Show line). David mentions how he learned to use the Framptonator only yesterday. And then you'll unlearn it tomorrow? Please? Simon says it all looked "smug" to him (another charge against David that I never quite got...until three seconds from now) and now after three weeks of tricking up songs to fit his alt rock style, it's gotten a bit predictable. Then? David winks at...someone. Winks! God DAMN it, dude. You're making me look bad. Ryan asks for Framptonator lessons and then basically tells him to listen to Simon's advice and cut the bullshit. He says it in his super-secret Seacrestian way, but it's there.
Wow, Syesha straightened her hair. It's okay, I suppose. I mean, if she was looking for one more way to make her uninteresting to the voters who put her in the bottom three last week, she certainly found it. Her video package tells us that being in the bottom three last week was just the kick in the ass she needed. She's apparently found a great big ball of fake emotion in "Yesterday," so she'll be singing that. She's seated on the stage to a lone acoustic guitar player. Under the circumstances, and after that video package, Syesha's version of the song appears to be about the pain of being in the bottom three. You know, because now there's a shadow hanging over her and she's not half the girl she used to be. It's like she's singing in the High School Musical of her own Idol experience. It's a largely quiet, tuneful performance until she starts throwing in some Randy notes and straining her voice just to show she's trying. So now the whole thing just sounds cheap. Randy loved it (and I love how I have unlocked the key to Randy Jackson, this is great). Paula dug the "vulnerability" which means the whole fakey-fake thing worked on her. Duh. What's surprising is that it also worked on Simon, who calls it her best performance so far. Mostly because it's the song he likes best (he thinks Brooke should have chosen it), but still.
Chikezie's up , and I wonder if he'll opt to run around the stage again in an attempt to keep last week's momentum going. He's singing "I've Just Seen A Face" (niiiice) and accompanying himself on harmonica. It first appears that Chikezie has Luther Vandrossed this song down into some slow jam, but then he breaks out that harmonica and the tempo races up and pretty soon he's speeding his way to the song's conclusion. He's pretty clearly trying to recapture the misdirection flavor of last week's performance, but it's too jarring a transition here, for one, and the second half just sounds like a garbled mess. Sad. Randy like the second, countrified part, but not the first part. Paula loved it, though; both parts. And finally, as if to complete the set, Simon says he liked the first part but not the second, when things turned into "Achy Breaky Heart." His words. Awesome. Too disjointed, is the verdict, and "gimmicky" as well. Can't say as I disagree.
Ramiele enhances her reputation as friend-for-hire in her video clip, giving us a glimpse of the official version of backstage relationships: Brooke's the mom, David Cook is the big brother who makes her listen to Nickelback, and she sure seems to be hanging out with Kristy Lee a lot. Kiss of death! Ramiele is the kiss of death! Have the fates of Joanne, Kady, and Danny taught you nothing? Onstage...okay, she seriously looks like Asia'h, to a frightening degree, including her homage to Asia'h high-waisted-pant monstrosity of two weeks ago. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" in an effort to not put the rest of us to sleep. It's a much better integration of the Randy notes with whatever version of "youthful" works on this show (stupid hats and bouncing around a lot, in this case) than she's done in the past couple weeks, even though it's not my absolute favorite thing in the world. I am very much looking forward to seeing Ramiele sing something non-Beatles week. Not even the Randy notes were enough to make Mr. Jackson love it unreservedly, but he thought it was okay. Paula thinks it's still not as good as the Dusty Springfield song. Simon likes Ramiele a lot but thinks she chose a mediocre song and didn't sing it to the best of her ability.
Rundown: Amanda giving what was, in retrospect, one of the night's best performances; Kristy Lee sounding much better in rehearsals; David Archuleta being on a totally different show than everyone else; Michael being vaguely unappealing, yet again; Brooke having a sunshine-induced seizure; David Cook losing me, for a week; Carly doing herself no favors with the "horseface" crowd by wearing an actual wreath of roses around her neck; Jason being a weird little street performer; Syesha feeling a whole lot of emotions, none of which are real; Chikezie failing to catch lightning in a bottle; and Ramiele refusing to push that hair out of her face so we can see her pretty eyes.
Join Jacob tomorrow for the results (and Pickler!). I figure it's Syesha and Kristy Lee again, unless Amanda's luck finally runs out.