By Joe R
Note To Readers: There is a Lafayette in Indiana as well as Louisiana, and that's probably where Amanda wants to sing in a bar when she grows up. I actually should have known that, but thanks to all the readers who wrote in an (very politely) pointed out my dunderheadedness. As a way of making amends, I picked Purdue to beat Baylor this week in my bracket pool.
So Ye Olde DVR didn't start recording tonight's episode until a few minutes into the show (Top Model and Survivor wait for no man), so I come in in the middle of Seacrest announcing the mentors for this season. Mariah Carey, he says. Andrew Lloyd Webber, he says. Neil Diamond (!!), he says. The prospects for Neil Diamond night are pretty well limitless, I think, though the elimination at the end of this episode dampens that a bit for me. I think I also saw a photo of Dolly Parton in there, which is something I've been waiting a long time for on this show. So awesome.
Ryan then plugs this season's songwriter contest. Blah, blah, "This Is My Now," et cetera.
Group Sing! I don't know if I can take the Top 11 singing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Apparently the rule for this song is that all the boys have to be seated while they sing in awkward pairs (David Cook and Jason are both trying so hard not to look smug/retarded that they're barely singing). Now everybody stands, and Brooke and Ramiele sing together, though I suspect Ramiele's mic isn't turned on because you can't hear her at all. They're on "Here, There, and Everywhere" now, and when it comes time for Kristy Lee, the cameraman totally stumbles and the frame goes all askew. I can't think of a less appropriate contestant for the camera to lose its shit over. Then it's back to sitting again, as the six girls take to the couch and sway. This is all go goddamned stupid. Get to Neil Diamond night already! Amanda could not have any less interest in singing right now. Does she know what's about to go down or is it just her usual baseline contempt for this whole process? I don't think she's alone in the latter.
Ryan introduces the rundown from last night, and you know, see the weecap for that, but basically Michael Johns is still terrible, Syesha's fake emotion is more galling, and Jason Castro's twee abomination gets more hypnotizingly dorky every time I see it. Ryan then asks us to regard the furniture onstage. ...Wait, hold up...okay, I got it. Two sofas, three moon stools. The stools are for the Bottom Three and the couches are for the Top 10, and Ryan will not begin placing the contestants in their proper spots, like he's the world's most meticulously groomed Sorting Hat. First up? Brooke White (who looks effing gorgeous and pretty much erases my memory of that awful performance/outfit last night). She's totally safe, come on. Ryan has a little OCD moment when Brooke doesn't proceed to the exact right spot on the couches, but she rights herself before he has a panic attack. Then Carly, and Ryan reminds her that Simon didn't like her song choice. And apparently neither did the voting public because she's Bottom Three. Wow. I figured this would happen soon but not this week. The crowd boos, Randy and Paula strenuously object, and Carly manages to keep her hysterical crying fit at bay until she reaches her seat. ? Archuleta. Totally safe. Then John Michael Australia, who I thought might be Bottom Three for such a shitty performance, but now that Carly's already there I bet he's safe. He totally thinks he's fucked but he won't back down from his song choice even when Ryan practically begs him to renounce "A Day In The Life." But what does it matter? He's safe. So with three people on the couch and our Carly gently weeping alone on the stools, Ryan says we'll get back to this later and sends us to commercials.
So thank God that segment is over because ? Ohhhhh, is Kellie Pickler. So the first thing you need to know is that Ryan Seacrest, for whatever reason, fucking hates Kellie Pickler. As he's introducing her, he pointedly mentions how she's "grown in so many ways since leaving us." So he's still talking about her boob job, then. And with burning hatred in his eyes to boot. We then get a MONDO GIANT video package of Kellie, of which I will say two things: she manages to look more cross-eyed now than she did before, as if any of us thought that was possible. She could be a McPoyle. The second thing is that her new haircut looks dynamite on her and she has generally stopped looking like a nightmare. She's another one, like Carly, who should always keep her hair straight. She takes the stage in an equally gorgeous red halter dress and sings that "Red High Heels" song that's been kicking around for a year now. The song itself seems to last for a year, giving Kellie plenty of time to cat around the judges' table, trying to flirt with Simon (who is not entirely comfortable), then dancing in front of Randy...who is totally and creepily staring at her ass. And being really proud of himself for it. Randy Jackson, you disgust me. After she's finished, Ryan can't wait to tell her about all the ass-staring, because he is the Meanest Girl of all. But we knew that.
Idol Gives Back update. Elliott Yamin and his backup band, The Veneers, join Fantasia and take a trip to Africa to see how our charity donations are doing. It's doing pretty well. Fighting malaria, feeding cute babies, comforting small children frightened that the Wolfman has come to visit. Good show, charity money! Oh, and a mother names her newborn baby "Elliott" just to make him cry. That was kind of awesome. Then Elliott leaves and the mom's like, "We're all clear that was a joke, right?" When we get back to the studio, Ryan tells us that this year's Idol Gives Back show will feature "Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, and Dane Cook." Dude, that is so genius! So unless we cough up money for charity, they're going to unleash Robin Williams and Dane Cook on us at the same time? That's the idea, right? That is brilliant, brilliant stuff. They'll make millions.
Elimination time! Syesha's , and as with Ramiele, we know she's safe because we're not at the end yet. Indeed, she's in the Top 10, so I guess that "Yesterday" performance paid off, then. So Chikezie and Amanda are all that's left, and honestly I could see either one going home, but that bad feeling I had about Amanda yesterday paired with the fact that she sang first (the new Death Slot this season) means I think it'll be her. And indeed, Chikezie is safe and Amanda joins her roommate Carly as well as Kristy Lee in the bottom three.
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