By Joe R
You know who's thinking he's pretty goddamned cool this week? Ryan Seacrest, is who. He stalks along the line of would-be eliminatees like Bret Michaels on a Sunday evening, then actually makes them wait for it before launching into the most dramatically drawn-out "This...(...)(...) is American Idol!" yet. So it's gonna be one of those nights, eh, Seacrest? Don't test me.
So there were some votes cast last night, there are some judges here tonight, and somebody's going home. You know how the results show rolls. Paula is sadly not dressed for a wrestling match tonight (instead opting for her junior prom ensemble), so there's nothing to report on that front. And I'm certainly not going to talk about the songwriter competition. So I guess we just jump right into the group sing, then. They're singing "Right Back Where We Started From," and I always find it appropriate when they sing songs that belong in movie trailers, so we're off to a good start. I'll note that whoever choreographs these numbers has developed a major cocaine habit, because these guys are all over the place. They're running all over the stage, doing high kicks, The Twist, The Bump, David Cook and Michael Johns are chest-bumping (which David thinks makes him so terribly cool that he shoots some devil horns). Then Carly starts twirling a flaming baton; Chikezie rides a unicycle across the stage while juggling; David and Michael hoist Kristy Lee horizontally in the air while everyone else limbos under her; Syesha and Brooke spin wildly with snakes in their hands, hoping the Lord will keep them from getting bitten. Before Paula can scream "It's all for you, David Archuleta" and jump to her death off the top of the stage rigging, the number comes to a merciful close. Wow, that was some stuff that just happened. I need a commercial break just to collect myself.
When we return, Ryan explains to us about how the songs this year have been made available on iTunes, even though they haven't been able to chart, because that would give away the relative popularity of the Idols. Which I don't entirely buy, but I'm cool with keeping the rest of us in the dark because oh holy God do I not care. But Ryan assures us that the Idol kids would probably take up the top 5 slots in iTunes if they were allowed to chart, so let that one sink into your chests for just a moment. But anyway, since iTunes is graciously bending the rules for this show, this show is giving back (this show loves to give back!) in the form of a mini-infomercial about how awesome iTunes is. Yeah. Steve Jobs can cut me a check and then I'll recap this advertorial in full, but suffice it to say: we take a trip to the studio where the Idol kids get to record full-length versions of their songs. Ramiele (in that increasingly irritating baby voice of hers) expresses a clear preference for Michael, Jason, and David Cook. Hysterically, David Cook's like, "Yeah, when I'm sitting around wondering what alt-rock thing I'm gonna do to a song, I usually check iTunes and see what other bands have done." It's not hysterical because David's been hiding that fact (he's been way more upfront about that than, say, Daughtry was), but because the judges keep ignoring it. Carly, equally hysterically, pretends she's never been in a studio before, what with its weird buttons and strange lingo. Then the whole thing devolves into closeups of iPods and MacBooks and whatever. I prefer my Apple ads with 100% more Justin Long, so this whole segment can suck it.
After the break, we get a pimpmercial set to "I Want You To Want Me." The plot: the Idols have been silkscreened onto t-shirts and such, but they come ALIVE WITH MUSIC and sing for us. Man, if nobody's going to dress up like the Easter Bunny or anything, why are we even bothering?
Back to the results: David Archuleta admits he might have gotten "carried away" with his performance last night, which...I don't know what that means. He turned the teddy-bear stuff to eleven instead of letting it simmer at about an eight? Whatever. He's safe. David Cook is told that Chris Cornell "loved" David's version of his version of "Billie Jean." I was about to be all "As if Chris Cornell watches this show," but honestly the idea that Chris Cornell watches Idol every week kind of appeals to me. David Cook: safe. out is Syesha, with her giant scarf and earrings eating her head. She's in the bottom three, which she takes well. Better than last time, I guess. Michael Johns comes out, gets the business end of Ryan's A-game flirting, and is told he's safe. So Syesha and Chikezie -- their smiles in defiance of Seacrest's worldview -- are in the Bottom Three. Who else? Dude, wait about a half-hour.
Viewer Questions! Okay, here's where you, the reader, and I, the recapper, need to come to an understanding. You don't care about this segment and neither do I. So if I take a few liberties with the questions being asked and perhaps start wandering into my own head and making things up entirely, you won't call me on it. Cool? Cool. So the first question is for AAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Oh my GOD, you have got to warn me before you cut to Constantine in the audience like that! Also, why is Gina Glocksen sitting to him dressed up like Sally Bowles? Is this a regional theatre thing? Because: pass. Anyway, some lonely cat lady asks Chikezie if he's single. He's like, "Yeah, but send a pic first." question for Archuleta: "Did you really choose that song last night? Also, has your father stopped beating you yet?" David: "To the first part: totally! Why won't you believe my many, many protestations? To the second part: Yes. I mean, no! I mean...hey! No fair!" And now I'm skipping all of the other questions to deal with one Ryan doesn't choose: "You two flirt all the time. When will you admit you like each other?" That one's addressed to Simon and...Paula. Somewhere in the world, Chris Cornell is like, "Mmm hmm." Anyway, so Simon gets asked if it isn't true that Ryan Seacrest is an utterly worthless waste of space (Simon: "Pretty much, yeah."), and Brooke says the one artist she'd like to collaborate with is John Mayer (ha!), and then Simon reluctantly cops to being the most attractive person on the show. He will be if he kills this segment, going forward.
So Chikezie and Syesha...after the break. We return, and without making this into a whole big thing: Syesha is safe, and she is incredibly insincere in her reaction to the whole thing. I'm not sure what I expected out of her, but she fully paused before taking this big dramatic inhale and looking all shocked. Like, either you were going home or you weren't. You had a whole commercial break to get used to the idea of either one. Chikezie takes it all pretty well, and for once the Ruben singout seems appropriate rather than lame. Well...appropriately lame, but still. I really, really liked Chikezie that one time, with all the running around, but I had no use for him at any other point, so I'm totally fine with his going home. Take it Eze, dude. I mean, take it...you know what I mean.
week: Dolly Parton (which is awesome) and her giant, scary new face (decidedly less awesome). See you then!