Wow, that kinda got to me. I think it was the not-exactly-fair use of Jordin during the singout, and the total class of said exit. So remember last night? Blake was smarmy, Chris was unwashed but had hustle, Sanjaya was chock full of the devil, Phil rocked his boring creepiness and this accent or something, Gina was awesome, and some girl was there too -- but the LaKisha/Jordin/Doolittle Thing busted everybody else by far. Tonight, Ryan lines them up in three groups of three: the Thing on the far right, Blake and Chris on the far left with Sanjaya, and Phil, Haley and Gina in the middle. Even Phil is like, "I can see how this is going to go," and the obvious bottom three laugh pretty much the whole episode. One of the groups is the top three, one is the bottom three, and the other one is cute boys. Top Three Thing goes to the benches immediately, after a stupid raggae pimpmercial about how driving a Hybrid makes you magic, featuring people singing that are not even in the Top Nine. Which makes the pimpmercial stupid, and we're already doing something stupid by having one in the first place. Then the surprisingly charming Michael Bublé, who totally gets the joke, which automatically makes him better than Clay, better than Harry Connick, better than anybody besides like Matt "Velvet" Dusk. He and Ryan discuss masturbating to Antonella Barba, nice, and then Phil once again gets sent to the benches. His week's reprieve? Dedicated to 9/11, of course.
So it's Gina and Haley, or whatever that girl's name is. Haley, remember, sang in the style of someone having an aneurysm, while running wildly back and forth across the stage; Gina followed up her star turn last week with an understated, genuine performance. Guess who's going home? Gina. She tries her best to sing a song about smiling "while your heart is breaking" and does her usual excellent job, and even gives the mic to sweet little Jordin at the end and pulls out one last big note, dedicated to her fans for "letting her stay this long" and promising to see them on the tour. Classy, no? So meanwhile, Haley's grinning her stupid ass off in the corner, because she has no idea what's going on. What's going on is that America has fucked us once again. Oh, and week? Joe R fully has J. Lo to kick around. I'm so sure! I HATE this show!
Ryan is happy, the people are happy, some Paula fans hold up a sign with her name on it, upside down. So Paula! Maybe it's on purpose. Paula is once again dressed like she's from Avonlea; Ryan's perky in pinstripes. Last night we "set the standard" by ignoring everything Tony Bennett mumbled. Blake and Haley did their respective things, Chris was kind of tasty, Melinda was awesome and uncriticizable, Sanjaya managed to break Simon, Gina's hair revolted -- was revolting, I should say -- and Jordin was a magnet of pretty. Phil Stacey wore the fuck out of his welcome as though he has an agenda to be hated, LaKisha got bodied. Who will go home? I wish it were Phil or Haley, I honestly do. It will not be. There's an army of Army guys voting for Phil, and an army of whatever not-hateful term you can use for what Haley is, voting for her. But all the Gina fans were stoned last night, because they're stressed about Easter and how their families are going to be like, "Did it hurt when you got that tongue ring? Why do you hide that pretty face under all that concept hair? Are you a devil worshipper? What's 'bi' mean?"
Worst pimpmercial ever: they wash a car while people who aren't even them sing some reggae song, and then they give themselves hugs and grin cheesily about how there are Hybrids in the world. Gina gives punk rock horns, is how sad it is. Also, they finally are talking about the songwriting competition, which I'm sure we'll hear about less than five more times all season. The kids are divided up, or should I say profiled, into Blake/Chris/Sanjaya, Haley/Gina/Phil, and Jordin/Melinda/LaKisha. One is the top three, one's the bottom three, and one is the boys. Gina and Phil laugh their asses off about how they're totally the bottom three again and there's no suspense at all; Haley furrows her brow with the effort involved in comprehending light and sound.
Blake sang "Mack The Knife," Chris sang some song I don't know, Sanjaya sang "Cheek To Cheek," which means I know one song title in the world and this is not it. The bottom three, which counting Gina's breasts, down by her waist, also sang songs. Ryan walks to the Top Three, and everybody cheers wildly, to let you know that they know who the Top Three are, and for no other reason. Ryan threatens to take a break and Jordin spazzes out, and then he's like, "Fake out!" and the whole crowd weeps with gratitude, because they're monkeys. He sends the obvious Top Three up to the benches; the Bottom Three wiggle around and feel dumb and dork out. The Middle Three, Blake and Chris and Sanjaya's Whirling Sparking Madness, are also safe. Malakar's dad high-fives everybody in the audience, and they pray he'll sit down and stop wigging out. Phil bites his lip and looks grotesque; Gina is dressed in three separate ninja-like outfits, one over the other; Haley almost falls the hell over for no real reason at all. We'll get back to them in roughly six hours.
Gina looks like she's going to barf. The girl who won the contest this week smiles. The question this week for ten thousand dollars is: Which one is Chicken Little? Bucky Covington? He's Chicken Scabies. Taylor Hicks? He's Chicken Ativan. Gotta be Kevin Covais, the Boy Who Got Katharine McPhee Pregnant. We thank corporations for contributing to the pyramid scheme, and Ryan nearly chokes on bile. Then Ryan says that Tony Bennett has the flu, but still has albums for sale, one of which includes a duet with Michael Bublé, who just as in reality, is replacing Tony Bennett tonight. Michael has more tics and affectations than you can shake a stick at, including shaking a stick at things. He doesn't so much know the words, or maybe he's having a stroke (F! A! S! T!), but either way, he's having a great time, and he's having it at your expense, and he has a hangover. Or is possibly drunk right this second. The song goes on and on forever, and he sends daggers of hate out to the audience, wanders and stumbles around drunkenly, talks to people who aren't there, macks on the camera and looks like the fat Dillon brother (no! The other one!), has a weird tie tack, and causes Paula to swing her entire body from side to side in her chair like she's on a wonderful theme park ride. He stops singing words and starts moaning and mumbling. He's the least sexual person in the entire world. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like a policeman in a pornographic film vignette. The Ungendered Bublé cracks weird jokes about stealing your parents' credit cards, then claims that he is still voting for Antonella. "No, I do the same thing," Ryan lies, and turns what was merely masturbation-adjacent into a full-on lying declaration that he rubs it out to Antonella. Speaking of choking on bile. I don't mind Ryan masturbating, it's part of growing up. But I wish he'd be honest about it.
Haley, Gina, and Phil. Phil waits greedily for Ryan to send him back to the benches with a shit-eating grin on his face, and his entitlement is validated, and some totally hot dude woos in the audience, and Phil gives a fucking salute to the camera because he has no class. Gina starts crying, and Haley just smirks and laughs angrily, then also cries. Randy and Paula kind of agree that they should be up there, and Gina keeps it together. Ryan tells Simon not to smile, and we all check out his nipple again, and he tells them he's not surprised they're the Bottom Two. They roll their eyes sadly. Ryan points out how Gina was boring and slow, while Haley was frenetic and wildly crazy. After the highest vote so far this season -- as Gina begins to shake uncontrollably -- Ryan plays it out forever and then finally says Haley is staying.
1 2 3
Gina smiles beautifully through her tears; her mom has a red stripe in her hair, for solidarity. We remember how Gina tried to get on this show five thousand times and had a fluctuating weight and some makeup problems that obscured her beautiful face, and was very likeable almost all the time. What a charming girl. I kind of got tired of her, but I am not at all happy she's going home. It's not even about being disgusted by Haley, it's actual sadness that she's going. The crowd goes wild with boos, and Jordin cries her little heart out. Ryan is so sad about it, I think. He hands her some lucky charm, and she tosses it off the stage with a funny little shrug. She thanks her fans for allowing her to get this far, and promises to see them all on tour. I kind of started crying a little bit at this point, in all honesty, which is weirder and more befuddling than the strange pheromonal response I've started having w/r/t Chris. I would like to be her friend, I think.
"Smile, though your heart is breaking," okay, is what she's supposed to sing. Imagine that! So awful. She takes a couple lines to get in there, and once again the Seal works its hurly-burly on her, making her sing twice as well as anybody ever did. Chris steps out onto the Seal and Blake pulls him back, putting the lie finally to the myth that they do this of their own volition. As the Idols flood the stage, she does a lame little dramatic twirl that is loveable and dorky and then hands off the mic to Jordin and Doolittle in a gorgeous little loving maneuver, and then hugs everybody, and cries more tears than I've ever seen a person cry. I'm really looking forward to getting this off my TiFaux, between the hateful songs last night and the horrible choices of America tonight. Well, at least I wrote the strangest recap of my life as a result. week: Joe gets J. Lo, and I get a moment to myself.
1 2 3