One thing that the Top Three have in common is that they are all sort of awkward and weird, like those kids on the Mountain Dew ad that are so excited to be video blogging they've forgotten to shower. They all three of them just duck their heads and smile uncertainly no matter what Ryan is saying to them. It's uncomfortable... Ew! Colin Hanks. That face!
Ryan's ramping up his skin tone for bikini weather and we've reached that stage where his hair and his face are sort of the same color, like a homeless person. Apparently I've just got nothing nice to say about anybody tonight. And you know what they say, "If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, probably Idol is nearing the end of the season."
"Okay, It's All Right By Me," says the filthy matted dipshitty hairdo we call Casey. What is that? A song. Why does he love it? Because it's like he could have written it. Which I am sure is true, and cannot wait to hear... Yep: You know how like Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz? Or that thing of like Ben Folds? Team Ben Folds how there are guitars, borrow Carmen Sassafrass's jiggledy-piggledy vocal stylings, and you've got this ridiculously pointless carbon copy of a song. Casey's face looks real gross tonight, like I feel sorry for him in a way I never have before. Like, Maroulis things have happened. And stupid Casey being like, "This song is the most perfect possible expression of myself as 'an artist'," and he says those words like he's never heard them until this show. I'm sure that's true about a lot of words. Get off my TV, I'm begging you. You and Jackson take what should merely be a chore and turn it into a labor.
Ah well. I'm sure he gets a lot of tail somehow. Jackson: "That was just 'all right' with me too," like it's so ironic and clever; Ellen searches for something interesting to say too, fails at great length; Kara hates him for picking a totally boring song... The bottom line is that they wonder why he's not even fucking trying, and he purses his creepy lips and fake-smiles like he's on a Bicycle playing card, which is his version of being bitchy. Simon goes, "This is arguably the most important night of your life," and goes on to list in detail how he fucked it up, which is: He fucked it up real good.
Basically, stupid annoying song choice, and the fact that he sounded moderately good doesn't really apply to this situation. Ryan reminds them that Casey's doing two numbers tonight, they're all doing two songs tonight, but it's hard to figure out who cares less about that, the Judgery or the Casey. I think the season is just maybe two weeks too long, of this show. I think Casey is just demonstrating the soulless hollowed-out ennui that we're all feeling on our insides, but on his outsides. Also through song.
And Lee's oh-so-bagpipey idea? Skynyrd. For real! The boy will not help himself! THAT'S SO DAUGHTRY. Good thing he's still ten times better (and cuter!) than Casey, or he'd be screwed. (Immediately after this revelation, Texas audiences got to deal with this little NSFW number, which if you have ever wondered what Texas is like, now you know. It's not like this all the time, but I would say the majority of the time Texas is like this, which is why I will never ever leave. When Texans think hard about the future, this is what they are able to envision. Not so much Austin, but definitely Dallas and West Texas: When I think about my adolescence it's basically just that video, with that exact girl and guy, on an unending loop. "It's sanitizer! It's water! It's spinning! It is feeling fabulous!" I used to do a lot of drugs, but I don't think that's the problem. The only thing missing is that nobody sings a verse about Diet Coke.)
God, I can't stop watching that. I've been doing ill-advised communicados and answering emails for... One Two Three Four hours, listening to it in the background. Four! And when it stopped I decided that I hadn't really listened to "Toxic," by Britney Spears, in a very long time. Sure I'd heard it, but did I really taste it with my whole tongue? That's how much I hate this show. Twitter and random logins and heartfelt emails. And Our Lady Of The Most Adorable Mistakes.
When I showed that mighty fine video to Joe R, he was like, "If you told me they did this on The Apprentice back in the day..." He's so right. I miss that show. I miss my Joe! He said also about this season, once I got him talking with my wiles, "I didn't even think about how this Top Three is your Trailer Park Apocalypse!" Peanut, sometimes it's like you never left. That Miley thing remains the only thing you've ever written that I haven't read. Do send me the highlights, won't you?
Now to the object of our mutual affection, big old stupidhead Lee Deweezle. He tells us how he relates to the song and how he "just gets it," but somewhere in that word soup of ridiculous we missed the song. It is called "Simple Man." Redundant, for both Lee and for "Skynyrd." Love watching him, but he's not carrying the weight of the song with his guitar -- that's in the band -- so it's like that band that rushed out of Carrie's pantaloons awhile back, like, violin dangling from his hand, and thus it's not terrible to just sit back and concentrate on his voice.
This could be the same exact thing as Casey's thing, because it is also about the simple pleasures of being retarded, and yet a voter. But the difference is that he filled it with feelings and with reality, instead of avocado hairs. When Lee sings about how dumb and full of America he is, I believe it. When Casey does that, I feel greased up all over my body, like I'm about to be dropped into a swimming hole. Congratulations on being legitimately trashy, Lee. You are the second-place Clay, I feel it in my heart.
And the Judgery agree. Not to put too fine a point on it, but basically that's what all of them say. "You're trashy like a dirty baby lamb or impala, or jaguar, but... Not gross like Casey. Which is the best thing that can happen this season, in the Trailer Park Apocalypse." When Kara says, thanks to dynamics and other musical words, that Round One goes to Lee? I could almost agree, except that Crystal also rocked. And when Simon asks why that song, and he says, "because I am real and I am American and everything Crystal and Siobhan ever self-righteously said" and Simon not only agrees but says he crushed it.... I can't say he's wrong.
Because there's being awesome, which Crystal was and Lee nearly-except-for-Crystal is, and there's being awesome at this show, which Crystal is NOT and Lee is, more and more every second that goes by. Like, Ryan asks what his wave to the camera was all about, and he says his hometown. Whore? Or just the down-home country-boy real-talk Sarah-Palin-Channing-Tatum-Amanda-Seyfried-Dear John-on-BluRay monster we can't admit is America 2010? You be the judge.
And I mean that literally: You, my friend, will be the judge. Lesbian crunchy-crusty Portland trash or... Other trash? What kind of trash describes us this year? You get to be the judge! It's up to you, America!
Okay, time for Judges' Choice. Let's see Casey visit Texas. Specifically the stripmall where Texas's worst have collected themselves. Why did Randy and Kara choose "Daughters" by John Mayer? Because it's the creepiest most condescending song of all time?
...Yes. Or as Kara says: "Your audience is women and girls! ...So give it to them!" Thanks, Kara. This is exactly the song I would love if A) I hated my daughter or felt weird about her breasts, B) I were the daughter of a man who was intensely weird about my body, or C) Were in sexual obsession situation with a stripper and couldn't quite reconcile that with the fact that she was somebody's daughter, and had decided to save her instead of fixing my own weird shit. It's nondescript, the song is even more boring with him singing it, and Casey is going the fuck home.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.