Well, at least "Let It Be" is a different song from "Imagine" -- which I hope to God Andrew sings, honestly -- but it's well within her mournful-funereal-Alzheimersy-Tyler Perry-credits wheelhouse. Her voice always sounds pretty to me, but I think this is one of her best performances, vocally. I honestly didn't think you could get that much emotion or that much yelling into this song. I'm impressed. I've always liked her but I don't remember being actually impressed by her yet. I hope they are kind to her little chipmunk face. After last week, I'm sure the show will grease all the palms it needs to.
Yep. Jackson agrees that this was her best performance ever, and has finally justified her seed. Ellen says she changed it just enough without disrespecting it, and that she's fully safe this week. Kara reminds us she's been B3 the last two times, and that she goes for it without regrets or apology, and that her confidence is surprising. Also that she looks great, which is funny because she looks like she's wearing a Kara DioGuardi costume.
Simon says she finally did something right, and that probably this is because she's finally taken his advice... And that she's going to country world, like he wants. They are amazed as ever by his personal idiomatic definition of "country," and Kara oversteps by singing the chorus at the top of her lungs, so then he calls her out as a bad singer, and then she sort of implodes, into herself, and it's beautiful. Then, as Kara wanders away in a rage (Katie: "I moved her," heh) Ryan asks where her sudden specialness came from, and Katie's like, "My steely determination, essentially."
Coming back, Katie is thrilled that the Judgery gave her the feedback that she wanted, and then everybody hugs her and jumps away quickly in case she goes berserk. Andrew is Big Mike's "homie" and "main PIC, Partner In Crime." Casey says whatever, Tim says he's funny, Siobhan says his energy makes her laugh. Katie disapproves of Simon's accusation that Andrew's shitty personality is not a personality, and will dole out punishments as she sees fit. Lee, of course, is BFF with him, because they are both trash.
What will he be singing? Something stupid, stupidly, one would imagine. "Can't Buy Me Love," check, with giant Morrissey hair like a scary uncle at a quinceañera, with this "Little Less Conversation" sort of Tom Jones-y vibe, with a horn section and constantly changing time signature. It's fairly awesome, actually, but as usual he's the least interesting thing about it.
Bowersox. She's like an oak tree with the roots going all the way into the earth. There are so many songs that would be like "that's so Crystal" that I'm not going to even try. "Hey Jude" is the most obvious one, with the low-to-high drama and the built-in screaming. And the fact that they put her right after Mike makes me think it'll be that kind of thing. I would like to hear "Day In The Life" or something intellectual like that, but there's not a lot musically to do with that one. Andrew tells us he and Crystal are essentially the same lesbian mother, Siobhan just adores her, and everybody else is barely qualified to talk about her greatness.
"Come Together." That makes sense, she loves that juke joint thing. I like it because of that noise, the one that will be played by... Oh, snap! Didgeridoo. We're going Aussie for this shit? It sounds kind of like blowing an eardrum -- remember Children Of Men? -- but props for getting ambitious over and above the total perfection that you usually bring. The instrumentation doesn't add a whole lot, but it's the voice that counts and again: This is Crystal. They could cut the mics altogether and still her oak-tree angry-angel awesomeness would reach out in the total silence and make you go, "WHAT?"
Jackson waits for the crowd to calm down, but A) They're not going to calm down after that and B) They're never going to calm down for you. He forms some opinions, which is new, but they're not really interesting or important, which is not new. Ellen loves the didj, and says she hates having to come up with new ways to say how freakin' great Crystal is. Kara calls it sexy and fun, for once, in addition to the usual awesomeness. Simon agrees that this should be on the radio no matter how old it is, and notes her dedication to being true to herself, and once again cautions her against losing that kind of self-directed spirit that would even think to bring a didj onstage: She proved the point.
Crystal giggles nonstop, the didgeridoo guy fiddles about over her numbers, and it's just a breath of fresh air as usual, and then coming back we learn that Archuleta, Jason Derulo and Rihanna will all be in the hizz tomorrow. What do we love about Tim? His luminous smile, of course; his hotness, his hair; his smile and his hair at once; his cheesy gracefulness. "All My Lovin'." He does not miss a trick, does he? He doesn't even know he's doing it.
Wonder if he'll stare spookily at the camera this week? Less so. But other than that, same performance as last week, and thus as every time. It's not really worth talking about in detail, because cute or not he's going to do this thing he's determined to do and be this thing he's determined to be, which is probably very canny of him but not that thrilling to watch, and I honestly don't know what would kick him up to varsity on this same trajectory, if you see what I mean. Team Edward doesn't take the shirt off, and Team Jacob looks like a little girl so it doesn't matter if he takes the shirt off, and that's sort of Tim's dilemma. If he even tried to sack up, if there were even a whisper of puberty here, it would turn into instant Constantine and everybody would be grossed out. Junior High Quarterback is as far as he can go.
Siobhan? You better make up for last week, girl. I'm still kind of offended, to be honest. Everybody talks about how weird and amazing she is, and how they love her actual thing instead of just seeing it as a put-on. Crystal and Casey admire her voice, which is cool to hear; Katie thinks she's just ridiculous, which is so nice. Siobhan plans on showing a different side of her voice with the "honesty" and "rawness" of "Across The Universe."
The performance -- in fifty layers of petticoats and seriously curly, wild hair -- is lovely and understated, without a scream to be heard but also without a hell of a lot of range or interesting vocal moves. That felt like every performance of "Under The Rainbow," which a lot of people really love but to which I just don't have access. This song means a lot to me. The boy who used to sing it to me called last week to say he he'd picked up his guitar for the first time in five years, and he thought of me, and he tracked me down, and he's having a daughter month. So... That's becoming something of a theme lately. Happy birthday to me. I sort of wish she'd done something weird or screamed just to make it more distracting. The Judgery don't have much to say beyond that, honestly.
Kara says it was technically good singing, but not very current or absolutely interesting. We're on her side, as ever, but I don't think it's her weirdness or futurism that makes her hard to get with: I think she just wants to showcase her stuff, and that's fine. She cries and misses her little sisters, and I feel that, and then she goes on and on about how authentic she is -- angling for the Huff Spot? -- and is overwhelmed with emotion and generally lovable in every way. Simon says that she was better last week, when she was a nightmare, and then some disruptive jerkoff gets attention from the judges and a hug from Siobhan and we're done. Why didn't they throw him out, or have him killed? Getting soft in your old age, show.
Finally: Lee. I bet this is going to rock right out. But first, Siobhan is still a little rattled heading backstage and getting her hugs from Andrew and Katie. What do we think of Lee? Siobhan calls him the Resident Worrywart and they all make fun of him for constantly whining about how he thinks he's going home. They laugh it off but you can tell how fucking annoying it is. Then things either get really awesome or really homophobic! Or I think both! Katie says Andrew and Lee are either brothers or dating, but either way it's beautiful. And Crystal says she's... Wow, that's amazing. Crystal says she has high hopes they'll be able to get married and "have little Danny Gokey babies." SHE SAID THAT. I am so very much in love with that. Andrew, who has already gotten No Homo on like half of the boys tonight and I refused to bring it up, gets all No Homo on Lee. Lee is quiet about this bullshit, and then decides to sing "Hey Jude." For essentially the same reasons, I think, that Crystal would have done well.
Last of the night + Lee = Amazing. His pitch is off at the jump, but he gets into it quickly. He looks pretty good, sort of shabby-businessman, and he sings the words "better" and "shoulder" and "heart" in a spazzy pop way, but the backup singers sound great and his guitar isn't too intrusive. Well, there's a steel guitar somewhere doing all the work, but either way it sounds great. Man, that "better" as "batter" thing is really retarded sounding. This Batter's Bitter, you need some Better Better. Then because his voice simply isn't enough, a full on bagpipe player with the giant Fuller Brush Carwash Hat comes sauntering down the stairs, and it's embarrassing, I think, for us all.
The crowd loves it, but honestly I didn't see half the vocals I was expecting. They were great, but I really thought he was going to go nuts. Ah well. Jackson has nothing whatsoever to say; Ellen calls him confident but doesn't address the performance beyond joking about the bagpipes; Kara notes the few vocal missteps but loves his range and ability to stretch; Simon makes fun of the bagpipes and didgeridoo, and otherwise thinks it was crap. Crap! Just kidding. He doesn't have the same thing with the bagpipes that Americans do, and thinks it was just a weird Benny Hill sketch, but most telling of all the idea was Lee's. He wanted bagpipes.
What I think happened is that Crystal wanted a didgeridoo and that's why Lee wanted bagpipes. What I think happened is, that's as ethnic as Lee gets. He wanted something weird, and that's all he could think of, and probably has a weird idea about them also, like they are classy or something. Either way it was totally weird and a little dumb.
week, Adam Lambert is the mentor, so save your energy and make sure to hydrate.
In the end: Aaron had very little to do with himself this week, and Katie stamped her foot and demanded we let it be, or else she would unleash a vengeance. Andrew embodied how annoying he is on a whole new level, and sang through his nose like Blues Traveler, while Mike continues to make his home inside a drag queen's head. Crystal is like a Special Guest Star every time, but Tim is in no hurry to mix it up, despite needing to so he can finally monetize that hotness of his. Casey blew the fucking doors off that place, Siobhan gave a quasi-operatic take on the most her-like song in the category, and Lee grinned his way through like a dream somebody would have on Ugly Betty. See you tonight!