Monday
Tonight, the "guys." Ryan's face is partially immobilized by a strain of botulism. All the guys jump out as he says their names and it's dead embarrassing. The "girls" watch from the sidelines, waiting for their turn. Seacrest fully admits that Wednesday is going to be a whole lot of filler and bullshit, which is hilarious.
Nikko squints whilst singing "Part Time Lover," which combined with the stupid hat and his glasses means I still am not quite sure what he looks like. It's pretty nasal and nervous, and the higher notes are pretty pushy, but he's good, and the judges really like it.
Scott lets the nerves slightly affect his perfect, perfect voice. Of course, he's also wicked creepy, of course, and he sings "If You Were My Lady" with crap dance moves. His jumps into and out of falsetto are lovely. His facial hair is a disaster. Randy notes some pitch problems, but Paula has decided that's no longer an issue in this singing competition. Simon points out that he's ugly and fat and creepy-looking, and Randy and Paula give him shit about that but can't directly contradict it.
Anthony sings "Hold Onto The Night" kind of limply while being totally gross with the over-the-top camera-fucking. Can't you take me and the camera to a movie or something first? The judges all tell him that he is boring and safe and dull. Boring and super-cute? I think he'll be okay.
Bo Bice sings "Drift Away" awesomely, but he looks and dresses like a cult leader. Like a leader of cults. He's very polished in the thing that he's doing. Randy and Paula and Ryan all mention the "rocker" thing again. God. Paula also thinks he "feels like a perfect pair of jeans." Simon thought he did absolutely everything right. It's nice.
Travis sings "Ma Cherie Amour" for a million years with a GIANT grin. It's perfectly passable. Randy tells him he was boring and Paula thinks he's magical and wants to do something mysterious to him that I didn't understand. Simon tells him he was out of tune, boring and not even good enough for a hotel lobby.
Constantine sings "Kiss From A Rose"! Hilarious! He's got this stupid scarf and mic-stand humping and gross faces and creepy looks and supremely affected voice and weird pronunciations and stupid double chin and fake-ass "intensity" and "emoting" while singing maybe the dumbest song in the history of the world. What the hell is that song even about? Randy liked the song choice as much as I did, but for different reasons, and notes that he was out of tune. Paula likes how he has his own style, horrible though it may be. Simon says Bo outsang him, while Constantine has more charisma. Half right.
David Brown sings "Never Can Say Goodbye" and is very laid back, vocally. Randy calls the song "safe," and says it was pitchy. Paula slurs outrageously while talking nonsense. Simon says he'd be 50/50 if this were the first time to hear him.
Jared Yates has his natural eyeballs in, and sings some song about "How could I turn away from the one I love? When I know what my heart's made of?" and is perfectly comfortable with all kinds of whispering and groaning and having all the tics of Enrique Iglesias. Randy finds the whole thing average or below, Paula thinks "nerves" are causing everybody to pick random sucky songs nobody has ever heard, and Simon calls it a boy-band audition that wouldn't have gotten him in. Jared is boringly perfect to look at and boringly nice to listen to. The end.
Anwar sings "Moon River" on a stool. How dreadfully earnest. He makes weird faces but sounds really nice. Randy talks about intriguing the choice was, and how well he did. Paula wants to buy the recording. Simon thinks it was very original and awesome.
Judd. Damn. He sings all freaked out awesome and he sounds like a whole new thing I've not seen or heard before. His voice and style and singing are new. Some song about playing in "a traveling band," which part he sings about a thousand times. Judd rules. Randy loves it and Paula loves it and Simon calls him a mere entertainer but does point out that the guy is slammin' hot. I don't even like this show, and now I have a favorite. Dude.
Joseph goes through a few different voices before settling on a power ballad voice for "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" which is hilarious to me, but honestly, he does very well. His voice is incredibly strong, although he does nothing interesting or creative with it. Randy calls it "not your best," which how would we, the audience, know? Paula and I really love the tone. Simon says it's not that exciting.
Mario prances around in his stupid damned hat with some awful facial hair. His song is about yelling and talking fast, but the judges love it, because they want us to love him and vote for him. Randy calls it the bomb and the best of the night, Paula screams, "Touchdown! Touchdown!" and Simon calls it not the best vocal, but the best performance, thanks to charisma.
Then Ryan teaches us how to send text messages and reminds us to vote because the bottom two are out on Wednesday.
Tuesday
Vonzell's up first. She sings "Heat Wave," with video flames on the stupid screen, and it's way more boring than she should be doing. She's way cooler than this. She looks like a million bucks! So pretty. Randy starts the pimping early, all about how she was a little pitchy but "corrected that with your personality." Hmm. That makes no sense, actually. Paula liked that she started with an upbeat song -- just like last night, and Simon thought it was an amazing start to the show. I really like Vonzell and her voice, but it wasn't. They're lying.
Amanda Avila sings "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" and stares her total lack of vocal training right in the face the entire time. Time for more "song choice" approval, whichâ¦it is pretty cool to hear a pretty lady sing this song, instead of an ungulate. Randy likes how she "hung in there," Paula thinks Amanda's pretty, and Simon calls her unoriginal, and then hits on her in a totally unoriginal fashion.
Janay sounds and looks terrified, and her singing faces are also terrified, and her hands wiggle around all over the place spastically and she sounds like crap. "I'm Going To Love You Forever," I guess, and the crowd and "Guys" all cheer during it. There's no reason for that. Randy notes her utter terror and calls the song too "rangy," basically saying what I've said all along: not an interesting singer. Paula calls her a "showman" and a "little dynamo," but not tonight. Simon calls it maybe perfectly: she's like a very young girl trying to be a grownup.
Carrie Underwood sings a Tiffany song! AAAH! She sings like she's trying out for American Idol: Pretty, at the top of her lungs, and with all the tics we've come to love in our pop stars, kind of groany in parts, kind of breathy in parts, kind of screaming in parts, lovely and perfect and boring and soulless and the crowd. Goes. Wild.
And the bullshit continues: Randy is blown away by what a "breath of fresh air" she is, and he can't believe "nobody discovered you before" and these are all lies, and Paula says "the vocals are open and beautiful tonight and they'll sustain you in this competition I think you're wonderful" and I don't know if that is lies because I can't parse it. Simon up and tells her she's a favorite to win, and praises how she knows who she is and what she's all about. All the boys clap for her even though she clapped for none of them last night.
We get a "C'mon, y'all!" from Sarah Mather right out the box and she sings "Get Ready" and her singing voice is weird and totally different from her speaking voice. Randy likes her song choice but thinks her voice is better than we saw tonight. Paula and Randy agree that this is a song with no range whatsoever, staying in the same octave the whole time. Simon calls her a "mistake," "clumsy," and "forgettable," and tells her that this was a shitty first impression. Jeez.
Melinda sings like an Idol, too, all ridiculous vibrato and silly low voice singing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion, which is a dumb choice and a boring one. Go ahead and outsing Celine Dion. If it were a pie-eating contest or a worthwhile-person competition, anyone could beat her, but singing is kind of her bag. Randy calls her "a little sharp" but also a "young Kelly Clarkson in the making." Which, side note? Is what Kelly Clarkson herself is, dude. Paula points out the dumb song choice, and Simon tells her she has no personality and will never be a role model.
NADIA! Is totally freaking hot and awesome singing some kind of hard rock about how "that's the power of love" and afterwards the crowd goes frigging nuts. Randy gives her props for being herself and rocking jeans. Paula is surprised that she had the rock-out in her. Simon calls her "the antidote to karaoke hell," which the majority of tonight has been, and I agree with all that, and then he calls her "original" and "here to win." I'm so naïve because I had a tiny feeling that they might just say that she won right then. I love her.
Celena Rae looks fantastic but she's fucked due to coming on right after Nadia. She sings some song about "I will love again even, if it takes a lifetime to get over you," whichâ¦is this a disco hit? I've never heard it. She sounds really nice, actually. She completely gives up at the end, but you know, it's more interesting to listen to than most of them. Freaking Janay, for example. Randy and Simon criticize her forâ¦being behind Nadia, basically. Paula tells her she looked great. The end.
I hate Aloha. I'll say that right now. Also Mikalah: all the bad, none of the good. I'm back to hating her again, singing "Young Hearts Run Free" entirely through her nose, constantly addressing the crowd and the judges through the words, and a shitty power line at the end. Randy calls her "personality," and she thanks the audience. God. Paula thinks she's lovable and goofy and can sing. She gives this a classy smile. Constantine stares sickeningly and frighteningly into space. Simon says that half the audience will find you amusing and the other half will find you annoying and Randy points out that this is true of Simon, and frankly he's being charitable.
Lindsey is very Star Search to start with, all awkward dancing and shy voice. Boring ass song: "I used to have a wish one day to feel like this / now I know love exists because it's standing right to me." Gross. Where do they come up with this stuff? Do I just not know any songs? Her voice is weird and cool and her range is not normal. This is the most boring song ever. Randy and Simon tells her she's a better singer than that song; Paula points out that her advantages, the "deep, rich, sexy tone," are not at all the point of this song, and that was dumb. She almost starts crying.
Jessica sings "Against All Odds," a song I really love, and sings it amazingly. I hate her craziness and her weird mush-mouthiness, but she sings it nicely, I guess. There's this weird vocoder thing she does on herself, like she's Cher and believes in life after love. It's really fucked-up sounding she does it on her own instead of through technology. Randy approves, Paula tells her she commands the stage. Simon tells her she sounded nervous and has sounded way better than that. Simon hopes she doesn't get eliminated.
Aloha. Is annoying. Her voice is nice, but she's too young to know what to do with it. It's utterly Beyoncé instead of it being itself -- and I wrote that before they explained that "Work It Out" is a Beyoncé song. And, you know, it's not as good as Beyoncé's voice, so she automatically sounds like she sucks. Randy loved it and doesn't want her to sing like Beyoncé. Paula slurs her words so badly I don't know what she says. Simon says out of the 12 girls, he'll remember three or four, and she's one of them. It's true, I guess. I remember how irritating she is.
Tomorrow night: Results! Filler! More! The bottom two are gone from each gender and we're down to a bottom 20 for week when we do this whole thing again, but with even more Seacrest talking about nothing. Grand.
Wednesday
I decided like a week ago that Wendy Pepper is to blame for everything bad this month, and if you can disprove me, go ahead. Bad things happened tonight. Like flashbacks, which luckily include ADAM PRATT and that awesome 18-year-old entrepreneuse with the posture issues, that I loved so much. Also, Regina losing it, Marlea losing it, everybody losing it, Simon and Paula losing it as a team, losers, losers, losers, ten-minute JP montage, and Mikalah flipping back and forth between human being and terrible freak, then extended remix about how this damn show is on all the damn time now.
Seacrestiana: Vonzell was adorable, Mikalah "finally came out of her shell," Melinda sang what I described as a Celine Dion song but feel more comfortable calling a Laura Branigan song, Jessica had dumb arm movements but sounded good, Carrie sang what is actually a Debbie Gibson song but I apparently felt more comfortable calling a Tiffany song last night, Janay was a little girl playing dress-up, Amanda learned about sexual harassment, Nadia was simply superior but cool about it, Aloha was fun and has a good voice but still bugs massively.
Ryan lets half the "girls" off the hook for the first elimination, and then: Carrie is safe, duh, and he jerks Mikalah around, and then she jumps around stupidly, and then he skips Janay altogether to fuck with her, and Nadia gets the good "news" that she's safe, and he finally asks Janay and Melinda down to the Seal and immediately tells Janay she's safe. So Melinda has a petit mal seizure and nearly makes Ryan cry, and Randy and Paula both remark that watching her on TV showed how she sucked, and Janay cries her ass off because she's the new Jaclyn because she's five.
Then Melinda sings and it's pretty, but who cares because this show is stupid and they didn't manage in six weeks (some of which had three frigging hours of programming) to show her ass more than once. Is the show this obvious every year?
Seacrestiana: Nikko was beloved, Travis was cute but whatever, Jared was "ghastly," per Simon, and everybody loved Bo because he's awesome and Constantine because nothing makes sense in this world. Anwar was awesome, Judd was slammin' hot, Paula was wearing weird Renaissance Faire clothing, Mario paced around like a jungle cat on meth, and then we got schooled by Randy and Simon that his was the best performance, and then we all voted for him because they said to. (Also because he was good.)
Anwar, Joe, David (having removed his godawful Vanessa Huxtable headband), Bo, Mario, and Scott are, of course, safe. The bottom row comes down onto the Seal, and obvious ones are sent back to sit: Anthony, Constantine grinning stupidly (after getting slightly jerked around so we'll vote for him week), Judd, and Nikko, leaving Jared and Travis, and Jared is out, and Ryan grabs Jared in a pretty-boy embrace. They're both so technically hot and yet so unattractive in practice that they look good together, hugging. Randy and Paula explain that Jared showed no reason to be here. "Simon," asks Randy, "anything constructive for Jared?" Simon spits out a "No" and looks away. Jesus, Simon. Jared sings his little song and at first he sounds good, but then: there it is. Hi, Enrique. Wanna cracker?
Ladies: the top row is no longer safe. Aloha is safe, totally inappropriate and goofy and irritating when she learns she's okay. Jessica is safe and cries, and Vonzell is of course fine. "Amanda, Sarah, Celena," says Ryan, and then Sarah's suddenly out. I'm surprised by that. Randy says the usual, that last night wasn't her strongest, and Paula, interestingly, has "already spoken" with Sarah. She and Simon feel basically that she's awesome and it was pretty much the song that wasn't good enough for American Idol, and not her at all.
Ryan points out that Sarah is now going to sing the song that everyone agrees damned her, and she begins singing with a smile, because that's funny, no matter what. Her voice if you were not looking would sound like she was invested in this performance, but her face and eyes and body are dead. The girls surround her before she's done and she almost collapses. It's pretty much a bloodbath and everybody's really upset.
Then: bullshit, and not just because I like him. The bottom row guys (Anthony, Constantine, Judd, Nikko and Travis) are told to sit tight, and the top row comes down to the Seal. Ryan sends Mario and Scott back to sit, then Bo and David, and finally Anwar and Joe. Everybody simultaneously realizes that the bottom row just got majorly jerked, and are horrified. Suddenly Ryan spits out the implausible news that Judd is out. All the girls are aghast. The judges are mystified, and Paula goes on a filibuster of how much she hates Wednesdays for exactly this reason, from which Ryan snaps her because we're live, and Simon feels bad but unsurprised.
The women swarm and Nadia and Amanda put their hands all over him and he's basically pulled off his feet by a dogpile of love. Then, because it's poorly-planned and live, Ryan abruptly says goodbye to us and grabs Judd, and then Judd kisses him. Then everybody hugs everybody else, and until you see Scott Savol embrace Anthony Federov in his enormous bearlike meatpaws, you have not truly lived. This show. I tell you.
Monday
Tonight, the "guys."
On that good old stage, Ryan's head looks weird somehow, and he's talking about how there have been one hundred million viewers, and then says some dumb things we've heard one hundred million times, and all this time only certain parts of his face are moving. He's got L.A. face bad, y'all. Worse than Paula. "After suffering through the likes of Mary Roach and Leroy Wells, apparently you can dig it!'' And also, "good thing you're hooked! Because now you are in control." Not so good come Wednesday, I wager. Lots of people wanting to avoid a massacre.
Now, some embarrassing crap: they do this "dancing" as they're introduced. Remember Fame? With Debbie Reynolds, and they would come out and go, "I'm Ryan Seacrest! And I'm here to work!" Remember that? It is the essence of cool compared to this. That's like Karen O doing body shots off the Arcade Fire, is what that is like. Nikko Smith is relatively cool with it, even though he's surgically attached to his horrible hat. Scott does a terrible white-boy dance with the revolving white-boy fists. Anthony does a gay stripper dance. Bo does no dancing at all, but does give us some rock horns and pretty much carries it off. Travis does a not-at-all-cute eye-fuck and frankly, in that moment it's over between us, for good. Speaking of: Constantine is too cool for this, by which I mean not cool at all. Cool comes from within. Ask Anwar or Judd. David Brown does a silly funny loveable dance. Jared is embarrassing and Anwar is embarrassing but lovely. Judd is wicked crazy adorable. Joseph is okay, and doesn't muff it like most of the others. Mario is just fine. They're here to work. I'd quit right then, when they sat me down and explained what was going to happen. "Jacob out," I'd say.
On the sidelines are the "girls." Urgh. Seacrest talks about how there's gonna be three weeks of this crap, and he fully admits that Wednesday is going to be a whole lot of filler and bullshit, which is hilarious. Or at least it was, when he said it. He didn't say what kind of filler or bullshit. He left that part out.
Seacrest greets the judges and asks Randy about how during the auditions he kept saying liked the boys. Randy's sticking with it and says it's "time to prove it," and how they are "the best group of guys we've ever had." He smirks as he says this, because the seams are showing. On to the performances because there are just thousands of contestants.
Nikko and the entire black-and-white history of him and his stupid hat, and then he sings "Part Time Lover." Open your eyes! He looks all squinty. It's kind of nasal and the higher notes are pretty forced. There are good parts, but the bad parts are…not great. I like him, he's immensely likeable and seems really nice? But I don't care what happens to him. He's fun to watch but I think the deal is that I don't feel all that connected to him because of the glasses, the hat, the squint, all of it. I'm not terribly sure what he looks like. Some bad notes, some yelling, and we're done. It's a good ending, though. The crowd goes nuts. I can't trust this show at all. The clapping could be partially canned and we'd never know. That bottom third where they say the number you should call seems to have been sponsored by a cell-phone company. If you didn't notice, don't worry -- there are twelve commercials for it this week. I can't wait until they just say "fuck it" and shave the Sonic Wave of a certain cola into the back of Ryan's hair. And you know he'd let them do it, too.
Randy says Nikko would make Stevie proud, and that this is one of the best boy performances he's ever seen. He's hitting that whole thing so fakely, I can't even trust what I think about it. I honestly go left when he goes right, when it's shit like this. Paula is wearing a weird shawl and she's going to go ahead and "ditto that." She likes that the song was "upbeat to start out with" or something. Also, "Stevie would be proud." Do you think Paula's actual life is this Technicolor? How exciting. "This is the best pancetta I've ever had!" "This piano bar is amazing -- that guy did Elton John and he did it better than Elton John." "These jeans feel great, and they made it their own."
Simon thought it was…okay, and he says that the viewers will most likely forget about Nikko after a few more singers. I agree with that. Except for the baseball fans. He calls it a "background singers performance," and says he has "no star quality." Ryan's wearing some kind of gold family crest on his t-shirt like he's in Romeo + Juliet, or is a dancer on the Maya Rudolph skits about Donatella Versace. One of these days, dude.
, memories of Scott Savol and that whole bag of bullshit. Then, his perfect, perfect voice. Just don't look! It's too weird to deal with both things at once. He's a little pitchy in the beginning, and not as assured as we've seen before. It's throwing off his vibrato super-bad, but he's still better than most people I've heard sing, like, in my lifetime. There are stupid dance moves. He's singing "If You Were My Lady." I've not heard this song. It is wicked boring. There are lovely nice jumps into falsetto and back down again. He's a natural and it's like watching the Olympics. Has he ever performed in front of people before? I don't know. He's wearing lovely earth tones, but there are some terrible facial hair atrocities happening. Just horrors. Tiny little penciled-in mustache. He looks like a procurer. The crowd goes nuts.
Randy calls it "not his best performance" (DRINK!) and says that it didn't show off his range, but was just "all right." He notes "a couple of pitch things." Paula likes the song choice, because people would not expect that voice coming out of him. True, but whatever. He could sing any song at all and it would still be weirdly wonderful. He could sing the song that he looks like, which is that Meatloaf song about "Will you walk with the wolf in the pale moonlight?" or whatever, and it would still sound eerily beautiful. "Pitch problems, but so what?" she says. So…that no longer matters? This singing competition no longer takes that into account?
Simon says he's interested in seeing what the audience makes of him, because he doesn't look like the American Idol. The translation is, "I triple-dog-dare you to vote for him," and turns out America took that bet. Randy -- because if you're inside the show you have to pretend that this is real -- mentions Ruben and Clay as also not looking like an American Idol, and Simon pretty much ignores that. Paula is also wearing some weird Wonder Woman armor on her arms. Ryan reassures Scott that Simon doesn't look like someone that should be on TV. Which is funny, because heaven and earth have changed places and the snow's coming down in June and somehow Simon is now better-looking than Ryan. I don't know when that happened and it makes me uncomfortable to think about, but there it is. I said it. Scott smiles insanely into the camera.
Bo Bice puts down his joint long enough to have a quick meeting with Ryan, who refers to himself as "overly made-up." Hmm. Botox, I'm saying. Bo admits he was amazed that he's made it this far. He's wearing a hippie shirt that his grandmother actually made for him, and his long stupid hair, and then Ryan forces Bo to implicate himself in the whole wincingly dumb "rocker" thing, and Bo goes so far as to admit that being there is somehow both amazing and stupid, at once. He's obviously a really nice guy, and a pro. He mentions wishing he could play his own original songs, being completely confused as to what this show is about, and sending the posters into an absolute tizzy.
Before Anthony even starts singing, the crowd loses their minds. Anthony sings "Hold Onto The Night," swaying back and forth and constantly searching for the right camera into which he can smile and into which he might lick his lips and at which he will twitch his tracheotomy scar. It's kind of gross. It keeps winking at me. Cover that shit up! You're splitting your vote! There's the grossness of the winking, and the grossness of the Guarini Effect he's going for, and they are contradictory and collectively gross. Especially combined with the geeky swaying back and forth: it's like he's singing a Christmas song on the porch of a mean old lady. Voice-wise, he's so concerned with being sexy that he kind of forgets to keep the grip on his horses. Also, he does Richard Marx one better in terms of wussiness. It's nice, and he's hot in a very specific way, to which I am mostly immune, and there's a cool part at the end where he really hits it.
I wonder if he acts younger than his age because people treat him like he's younger than he is? He seems really professional onstage, and when responding to the judges, so who knows. I heard that his girlfriend Queer-Eyed him to make him dorkier so that he would catch more of the Clay vibe, but I don't really have a problem with that. The judges agree that he is boring and safe and dull. He's super cute though, so I think he'll be okay. He smiles utterly blankly in that empty, scary way of staring-smiling that Tobey Maguire rode all the way to superstardom. He's freaked, clearly. This will be better once they've had some experience doing this.
Now, Bo Bice I think always dresses like this, like we are stardust and we are golden and we've got to get ourselves back to the Garden. He sings the obvious choice of "Drift Away," SO AWESOMELY, but you know, he looks like a cult leader. Like a leader of cults. He holds his microphone like people who pretend to be smokers when they are smoking to look cool. I think this voice, which is very nice, is pretty affected. He also makes scary, scary Meatloaf faces. His lips don't know what to do some of the time. He hits the part of the song where there's clapping. It's fine. He's certainly got his whole thing happening. I kind of adore him, honestly.
Randy loves how he's a "rocker." STOP IT. It's like how when somebody calls you the wrong name, they don't just do it once, but eleven times, and it's so embarrassing for everyone. And also Randy thinks it was "hot." Paula loves how he's a "rocker." DRINK! And he "feels like a perfect pair of jeans." Paula, get it together. Simon thought he did absolutely everything right. Bo doesn't smile right, when he smiles. Smile and sing and talk into a mirror a half hour every day, Bo Bice. Work it out. You're cute. Don't hide it under a bushel of no upper lip and scary grimaces.
Travis now. The last guy to make it onto the show. Misty monochrome memories of Paula blathering on about how he's perfect in every way. The crowd goes nuts because he's so hot. They just scream and scream before he even starts singing, and what he's singing is "Ma Cherie Amour," with the biggest grin you ever did see shooting right into the camera. I don't even know if he can sing because he's working it so efficiently. It's tiring and pretty icky to look at. I'm not feeling it. It's like getting hit in the face with a flyswatter of sexiness. It's like he's wearing an entire bottle of aftershave. That's exactly what it's like: Too much. Plus the fact is that his natural expression is very open and nice and smart, so it seems so fake to have him cheesing it up and making you feel sick and intrigued. Just be yourself instead of acting like you just did me. That's why I hate Gavin DeGraw too. No subtlety. Now I'm listening and not looking, and it sounds…nice. It's boring and perfectly passable. Honestly, though. Can you actually sing this song and blow my mind? Is that possible? I don't think it is. I wish it were over. It's totally not, ever. I'm tired. Oh and now with the "LA LA LA" crap. Finally it ends and we wake up again.
Randy tells him that he was boring and not being himself. Check. Paula thinks he's magical and she wants to…do something to him. I don't know what she wants. It's some kind of crazy gesture that she thinks says what she wants to do but is in fact as incomprehensible as if she had actually said it. Simon says he's out of tune, boring, and not even good enough for a hotel lobby. They half-assedly bitch at him. Travis smiles as Ryan says the number you should call, and his regular smile is ten thousand times sexier than that fake fuck-me shit he's been doing all night.
Effing Constantine. God. "KISS FROM A ROSE!" Hilarious! He's got this stupid scarf happening and he's making out with the mic stand. He makes gross faces into the camera and he's creepy and such a "rocker" and his stupid voice and acts like he's getting electrocuted and his weird pronouncing everything wrong and his stupid double chin and total intensity and emoting while singing maybe the dumbest song in the history of the world. What the fuck is that song even about? More creepy, more staring, more mouth-sounds that aren't words, more gross.
He sings so very much without enunciation that I can understand no more than half of the words. Considering he's a conservatory boy with a theatre background, I assume that the complete lack of lyrical clarity is a choice. Bad choice. He strokes the pole, you guys. And not just like he always is, but I mean, the mic stand. Up and down. Like Luke that time on the golf course. He gets so into himself that he forgets some words, expecting us to believe that when it snows his "eyes become a large." You can see him flinch when he does it too. If you are being so incredibly affected that you throw your own self off, that means you're not qualified to be so affected. Anna says, "This person looks like Darlene Connor." It's so true. He's just filthy and, like, if you think about being his girlfriend? With the "artistic" moods and the self-abuse and the whiny baby-acting bullshit? So deeply uncool. "Because I need a Grilled Stuffed Burrito and if I stop writing now I'll forget this song completely and my life will be over. Just put down that book you're reading and do it! Please? God. Why are you such a bitch?"
Randy liked the song choice, but he was out of tune and tried WAY too hard (word). Constantine asks which note in particular he was overshooting, and Randy sings it, poorly (but in tune), and they laugh at Randy, and Randy points out that he isn't the one in a singing competition. Ryan tells him to "stick to the rapping" and they all share a chuckle. Half of all viewers get way ahead of themselves thinking that it was Constantine that said that, causing a whole other pile of bullshit on Wednesday. Paula likes how he has his own style and he "stays to it." Horrible though it may be, it makes him "unique to himself." Ugh. Everybody cheers him just for being Constantine.
Simon groups him with Bo for the producer-influenced rivalry that made Season 2 such a rousing, boring, unending success, and Paula freaks right out about that, for no reason. Bo outsang Constantine, while Constantine has more charisma. Half right. Paula goes on and on for no reason about nothing in particular. While Ryan gives the number you should call, Darlantine looks half human for a second and then back to the whole affected rocker mess. His awful fat face on my TV. He's so much cuter when he's being a dude and kind of hating this show, and being nervous and ambivalent about it all. I can almost see it when he's nervous, because that's when he's real, because in all actuality he's not a rock star, he's a dork. I have no issue with that. Now sing in English for me and we'll be better off. And I totally saw you on Elimidate, okay? The jig is up.
Seacrestiana: "In order to avoid overexposure, we're coming to you three times a week." Hee. I mean, when you talk about how much something sucks, that does nothing to make it stop sucking, but I love how he's the only one that ever can say it. At least until Melinda loses her shit. David Brown is up now. I like that guy, let's see what happens. He sings "Never Can Say Goodbye," which I already said I really like, and he pronounces it like Anita Baker (how he never can "shay" goodbye), whom I love. He's fun to watch. He locks and unlocks his knees on the downbeat and bounces around and it makes it more fun even though it's just a tiny little thing. He doesn't seem to be putting much into this. I mean, his voice is really good, but it's all very laid back, and I guess I want them to work for it -- he seems kind of wiped and doing this well because he's professional and talented, and not because he actually cares, and all the goodness is what is there all the time. There's an awesome set of glories at the end. He has very lovely teeth. He's just beautiful, in a classic way.
Randy calls it a "safe" song, and "pitchy," but he likes David's voice. Paula feels they're being extra harsh, and she is also slurring her words, but I think that she thinks he "fell into his groove" midway through, and also "found it at the end." Simon would be fifty/fifty if this were his first time seeing David, and he says something not even closed-captioning can understand about how he should "watch his back," I think, and how Simon was disappointed. Randy and Paula are still big fans of his voice. Me too.
Monochrome Jared Yates and his fake eyeballs and his "presence," and then singing some mystery number. This is the slowest song ever, and his dancing is weird, but at least he's got his actual eyes on tonight. I like him twice as much for that now. He is boringly pretty. "How could I turn away from the one I love? When I know what my heart's made of?" He's cool with the whispering and groaning and having all the tics of Enrique Iglesias. I don't even know who that is and he reminds me of him. Or, since it turns out this is a Marc Anthony song, Marc Anthony. I never thought to wonder if those were the same guy. Is one of them related to Don Ho? I know nothing about this kind of music -- slow, dickless love songs for loveless people -- after, like, the era of John Secada. I just dropped out of that industry. I guess I like him, though. I like anything that reminds me of my favorite word from fourth grade, "antimacassar." Which he indubitably does.
Randy looks very nice tonight. He finds the whole thing "average or slightly below average" and he marvels at how "weird" that is. Paula thinks that their nerves are causing the kids to pick random sucky songs. That literally makes no sense. Simon points out that that is, in fact, an excuse, and that all of them were picked because they're good, and so who cares to give them excuses? He says it was "a boy-band audition" and "ghastly" and that Jared wouldn't have made it into the boy-band in question. His teeth are perfect. Everything on him is perfect. He looks a lot like Scott Hope, a.k.a. Fab Moretti, only scientifically perfected. It's kind of boring to look at, but at least there are no fake contacts, though. Good smile/eye contact/handshake with Ryan. Professionalism gets you so, so far with me. Also though is telling the whole machine to fuck right off, which both rejected female performers will do on Wednesday.
Ryan sitting on a stool suddenly, out on the Seal. I wonder if this is for someone sensitive. I wonder if it's for Anwar. Yep! Sitting on a stool in a big stupid jacket singing "Moon River." How dreadfully earnest. He looks somehow worried when he sings. He's going for the soft pantry boy angle here, and then stands up for the sounding like Stevie Wonder part. His jacket is weird and distracting. It's all kinds of boring. I like this song and he's doing a great job but I keep thinking about how I need to do dishes. Kind of yelly and not at all what he's about, it's false somehow. He's still gorgeous and nice and deeply sincere but I hope he doesn't sing something so terribly on the nose week. I wonder if -- being a theory person -- he arranged this himself. That would rock. Not least because it fits his voice and range perfectly, but also because it's a totally counterintuitive jazzy remix of the song, which is one of my favorites of all time, and you'd have to be ballsy to pull that off -- which he does. I wonder.
Paula stands. Randy talks about how it was a weird choice but he immediately loved it. Paula wants to buy the recording of that. "Bless your heart, Paula." Ugh, see what I mean with the earnestness? That's a thing particular to me, I know that, but come on. Simon thinks where he made the right call was not falling into the trap of doing a bad impersonation of a Stevie song, and he made the right call in showing originality. Huh. Is that a burn on the guy earlier? Or just generally? Or is he saying that's something Anwar would or could do? The last thing I agree with. Then Anwar stares creepily into the camera. He's so neato and serene that I can't tell if he's being weird because he's nervous, or what.
Judd Harris! Judd! Everybody freaks out. Paula thinks his humility is very attractive. He sings all freaked-out awesome and he sounds like a whole new thing I've not seen or heard before. That's awesome. I've watched this part about a hundred times because It's My Job. And yeah, he kind of yells, but you can hear the quality of his voice. How it is, you know? Good. He's very guileless and funny. He's the one that enters the frat party dancing and saying hello to people he's not yet met and just being generally friendly. His crotch is kind of up in my face, but that's okay sometimes. It gets the point across. It's Creedence, apparently? About "playing in a traveling band." I like his dancing and his faces and his weird little scrabbling hopping around in circles. It's awesome. He's pretty sexy all of a sudden. There's a lot going on. It's the best of the night, to me.
Randy loves it, Paula calls it his "niche" and points out it was a crowd pleaser, and Simon calls him an entertainer. (Not in a good way.) He also points out the utterly obvious fact how he's slammin' hot. Then he's cute all over the place with a big old smile and crouching and bouncing and jumping and Ryan giggling at his antics. They are buddies.
I have a favorite. I don't even like this show and now I have a favorite. Dude.
Joseph throws the horns. If you do that, boys, I hate you. I just decided that. Ryan's back out there on the stool. Monochrome Paula says he has a unique sound that is good. Tonight he sings like a scary ghost, all scratchy and not right. This is not how you sing. And then suddenly, it's nice because he's just singing perfectly. It's really wonderful, and nice to hear with your ears. He looks like an Oompa-Loompa, and not just the orange thing -- which is lessened -- but also his, like, features. He's getting cuter, though. "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" he sings, without any irony. His voice is incredibly strong, even if he doesn't do a damn new or interesting thing with it. He's the male Janay. Still, it is worthwhile, just like she is. A little of that nasal Michael Bolton in there. He sings right into the camera, in the right way, like he's singing right to you. And not feeling on your booty while he's doing it, either. He looks a lot less plasticky-creepy tonight than he has. I didn't get all the squeeing before, but now that he looks like a normal dude I can understand it. He's a nice guy. Little old ladies touch him whenever they can? He's that kind of guy.
Simon scratches his left biceps repetitively like he has scabies, completely zoned out. Randy calls it "All right, not your best." Paula loves "the tone to his voice." Me too. Simon: it gets you there…but it's not very exciting. Joe really wants Ryan to like him.
Why?
Mario prances around and wants them to get crazy in the audience. Stupid damned hat. Still, though. He sings "Do I Do," a pretty song with dumb words. His hips are all over the place. This is kind of boring. His chinny-chin-chin-hairs are not at all okay. How can you be either good or bad with this song? It's yelling and fast talking, and that's what it is. He is immensely likeable, though. The singing parts that he throws in there, on his own initiative, are awesome and immensely technically proficient, but, like: the singing should be the ice cream, not the jimmies. You know?
The judges lose their shit. Randy's all, "That was the bomb! That was the best of the night!" Paula screams, "TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!" Man. This is so fake! Simon calls him "Mary-O," rather than "Marr-io," which is kind of funny. He says it wasn't the best vocal -- that's true, but the others disagree anyway because they're afraid of the producers -- but it was the best performance, thanks to charisma. I love how they're just blatantly telling us over and over that vocal quality is no longer an issue. They're over it, and we need to catch up and stop caring how these people sound. I love that. Also, though, maybe it means that they're going to kill off Scott Savol before the end of the month.
Review: Nikko, who I forgot, just like they said I would. Scott with his facial-hair issues. Anthony concentrating on charisma to the detriment of his voice. Bo being wonderful. Travis selling it, knowing that it's all he's got. Constantine being horrific in every way -- my TiVo stalls on this. I take those TiVo stalls very seriously. It often happens when people tell lies on TV shows. I'm not kidding. I trust my TiVo to malfunction when it finds things too painful to record -- like Mr. C. David Brown and his gums and singing. Jared with his squeaky Marc Anthony voice. Anwar singing awesomely. Judd being so damned amazing I could die. Joseph powering his way though the ceiling and being very controlled and good -- very telling, though, is how he elides the /t/ at the end of "without," all, "how am I supposed to live withou' you," which is exactly what Michael Bolton does there too. Mario sing-talking fast and driving everybody nuts.
Amanda Avila sings "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" and stares her total lack of vocal training right in the face the entire time. It's so breathy and uninteresting and technically lovely. It's incredibly gifted hairbrush singing, with the groaning in the background and the fake passion. She even clutches one fist to her ribcage due to having so much amazing passion. It's all a very sweet tribute to the influence of Jessica Simpson. She's so pretty -- and tonight finally it's not that boring kind of too-pretty pretty, just lovely and perfect-looking and has billions of teeth.
More "song choice" approval, which…it is pretty cool to hear a pretty lady sing this song, instead of an ungulate. Randy likes how she "hung in there," Paula thinks Amanda's pretty, and Simon calls her unoriginal, and then hits on her in a totally unoriginal and grody fashion that I don't want to talk about. "I've heard that kind of performance a lot," he also says. Exactly.
Let's talk about Janay a second. I like her. I like her voice. I just don't think she knows much about using it. She sings like she was raised in a cage with only a radio for company. Tonight, Janay sounds and looks terrified, and her singing faces are also terrified, and her hands wiggle around all over the place spastically and she sounds like crap. This girl is scared to death. She looks like she was just in a car accident on the news. Blink, baby. Blink. "I'm Going To Love You Forever," I guess is the song, and the crowd and "guys" all cheer during it. It's not because I don't believe in her, I would be saying this anyway, but it's pretty much like they're being forced to do that. She's cookie dough, okay, and once she gets fully baked and learns what to do with her powerful instrument, she will blow your mind with her warm, delicious voice cookies. But that time has not yet come. She sings this, honestly, like there's a gun to her back. And that's kind of true: it's a gun called "America."
Randy notes her utter terror and calls the song too "rangy," basically saying what I've said all along: not an interesting singer. Paula calls her a "showman" and a "little dynamo," but not tonight. Simon calls it maybe perfectly: She's like a very young girl trying to be a grownup. There's no changing that. "You're not fifty," he says, pointing at Paula -- I'm sure to take the heat off of thinking about what exactly the fuck he meant when he said what he said to Amanda. Which was repulsive.
Monochrome Simon calls Carrie a "good country singer," and then she sings a Tiffany song! AAAH! A bit of goodwill comes leaking out of my childhood. It's "Could've Been," and the sad truth is that instead of looking it up my damn self, I let myself be swayed by the fifteen or so "helpful" emails correcting me from the recaplet, and simply printed an apology, only then to receive about fifty emails telling me I was right the first time. Please double-check before emailing me about stuff like this, because it makes me feel bad about myself. And that's not good for anyone, really. Debbie Gibson sang a song titled "Should've Been the One," which some posters charitably thought maybe caused the confusion, but I think it's more likely the fact that there was never any really substantive difference between the two performers, and the whole reason they matter is and was in opposition to each other, which was so clearly manipulated it made the Bo/Constantine thing look real.
Melinda sings like an Idol, too, all ridiculous vibrato and silly low voice singing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion (among others, but she's going for the Celine version, I think), which is a dumb choice and a boring one. It's weak. Go ahead and outsing Celine Dion, honey. If it were a pie-eating contest or a deserves-to-live competition, anyone could beat her, but singing is kind of her bag. It's sharp, I think. I'm no musical genius, but it sounds sharp. She's pretty but she has a little bit of the old bitchface and you can't hide that. Her movements are AWESOME. She's like on the deck of the Star Trek spaceship and the floor is dropping out from under her and she's pretending to be in a shaking spaceship but really it's just the camera being shaken by a PA. That's what it's like. Or the earthquake simulator at the Earth Science Museum. It's also about as interesting as the Earth Science Museum. Period.
Randy calls her "a little sharp" (getting there, buddy) but also a "young Kelly Clarkson in the making." Which, side note? Is what Kelly Clarkson herself is, dude. Way to put the career ahead of the horse. Paula points out the hubris in singing a Celine Dion power ballad anywhere outside your shower, and says that her voice was wonderful up until tonight. Simon tells her it's tricky because she has no personality and will never be a role model. Whoa. He also mentions how he's seen this performance before. Yes, we have. Randy misunderstands and says he should be her role model, and Simon harshes out, "Don't," and Ryan explains how that means she'll have to master the words "dawg" and "dude." Which is moderately droll.
I like Ryan more when it's live, because he extemporizes such weird, funny shit. He's not the American Humorist or anything, but it's nice to see how strange it is inside his head. Gives me one more hope for California. And you know what, if you're going to hate me? Let it be for this reason: I give Seacrest the benefit of the doubt for being a human being. I mention this now because I know about the hate mail I'll be getting by the end of this recap and I want you to have some time to get used to the idea.
Let's talk about Nadia Turner for a second, because when I think about her it's all squee and Eeee! and all "I'm queer and she is still the sexiest damn thing I've ever seen." And that's not…I'm not doing my job properly. At that point. So I like her because she is poised, and seems unshakeable, and seems connected to the earth. Wherever she's standing, that's Nadia's place to stand. And for such a tiny (circumference-wise), beautiful young lady, that's wonderful to behold. Plus she can sing, and she's hard.
So: NADIA! Is totally freaking hot and awesome! Singing some kind of hard rock with a spiritual bent from an unknown Christian band about how "that's the power," and afterwards the crowd goes frigging nuts. But I really think they want a guy this year, which is too bad because she's miles ahead of everyone else, basically, but also cool because that means she has a decent chance of making a great album with songs she has actual input on. But, like, even the camera -- an insensate object! -- is delirious, as it swings and whirls around her. It's like on movies when the people fall in love with each other, but it's just Nadia. In love with the whole world.
Randy gives her props for being herself and for "rocking" jeans. The whole Dawg Pound of guys freaks the fuck out on cue. Paula is surprised that she had the rock-out in her. Simon calls her "the antidote to karaoke hell," which the majority of tonight has been, karaoke hell, and I agree with all that, and then he calls her "original" and "here to win." I'm so naïve because for a second I had a tiny feeling that they might just say that she won right then. Just a little bit in the back of my mind: "I don't really think it's worth going through with the rest of this bullshit show. You win." Is that nuts or what?
Celena Rae looks fantastic but she's fucked due to coming on right after Nadia. I'm not saying that because Nadia's awesome, but because she changed the tenor of the whole crowd because for once they weren't being told to freak out, they just were. She sings some song about "I will love again even if it takes a lifetime to get over you," which…is this a disco hit? I've never heard it. She sounds really nice, actually. She completely gives up at the end, but you know, it's more interesting to listen to than most of them. Freaking Janay, for example. This would have been a good song to start with. It's kind of low and sexy and suits her voice perfectly and it's got a strong beat, but it isn't hyperkinetic or annoying or scary. This is a very good song for Celena Rae to sing. Anthony stands right up to applaud for her.
Randy and Simon diss her for…being just after Nadia, basically. Paula tells her she "looked great." The end. Actually, she says a lot but none of it means anything. Simon says that with that song it's hard to know what she's all about. Interesting. He says the last time they saw her she sang a more personal song. He tells her she "could be good" and asks her kind of off-handedly and honestly to "prove it." I think it shows some respect for her, honestly, despite the low-level remainder of his comments.
I hate Aloha. I'll say that right now. (Even though she does make Ryan cop to his utter ongoing identity crisis. "Who am I?" he asks. "I don't really know, and we won't figure it out tonight." We know, babe.)
Also, though, I kind of hate Mikalah: tonight it's all the bad, none of the good. I'm back to hating her again, singing the completely fucking obvious "Young Hearts Run Free" entirely through her nose, constantly addressing the crowd and the judges through the words, and a shitty power push at the end. The thing is that it turns out that this girl is just gorgeous, actually. She's beautiful, and it's a bummer because it's buried under so much fake bullshit and looking horribly rough the majority of the time. And inside her, she's beautiful too, because inside herself, she's a normal person and not this Fanny Brice vaudevillian bullshit artist lounge lizard on-the-make Fran Drescher sassy drag queen crap she's trying to sell. Which is hideous when it's real, but when you add the punch of it being a put-on, it's about the grossest thing in the world. What sells this, in a Barbra Streisand or a Sandra Bernhard or any of the other millions of gay-friendly divas, is that it's real and connected and strong and wise and wary and self-aware and it's about taking a stand and saying, "I'm a brassy bitch and I don't take crap." Risky, okay? And when you pair it with the kissing of male ass and only addressing the male judges and ignoring Paula and Ryan altogether, it's confusing and it's awful and it's scary because this is really a request to be victimized, the absolute opposite of what she's trying to do. And the occasional glints of natural sunshine coming through, in her smile and her giggling despite herself, are beautiful because they mark her as a real person who is also professional. But this utter dedication to her persona cannot hold, because she's just a kid, and she drops the face sometimes. And it's sad because the way she actually is, I think, is pretty marvelous. But who knows if that real, secret Mikalah can sing? It can't be as annoying as this. It just can't.
Randy calls her "personality, personality, personality," and she thanks the audience annoyingly. Also annoying is how they're all selling what a big "character" she is the whole time. Paula thinks she's lovable and goofy and can sing. She gives this a classy smile. She's incredibly smart, is the only thing. You have to know that she is brilliant. You can't become such a total fake all the way through to the meringue without being completely brilliant, and if you think about that, she's kind of scary. Like Jason Bourne. Constantine stares sickeningly and frighteningly into space like he wants to punch her ass in the eye. Simon tells her that "half the audience will find you amusing, and the other half will find you annoying." Charitable, I think. Randy points out that this is also true of Simon, and frankly he's being charitable too.
Lindsey is very Star Search to start with, all awkward dancing and shy voice. I feel that she is a crier. Tomorrow I will be proven right. Boring-ass song: "I used to have a wish one day to feel like this / now I know love exists because it's standing right to me." Gross. Where do they come up with this stuff? Do I just not know any songs? Her voice is weird and cool and her range is not normal. If I knew any country music I would say she should be a country singer. There's no ugly twang in her voice, but the soulfulness of it would be good for a country song. Or like Chrissie Hynde. Like that. Strident. She touches her breasts all over the entire time, like, completely openly. She just cups herself and rubs herself and not even that stops this from being the most boring song I have ever personally heard. I bet she cringed and blushed when she saw that because you know it wasn't intentional.
Randy and Simon tells her she's a better singer than that song; Paula points out that her advantages, the "deep, rich, sexy tone," are not at all the point of this song, and that that choice was dumb. Lindsey almost starts crying as Simon tells her to "take more risks," and choose a better song, because it was the song's fault and not hers.
In her monochrome memories, Jessica's pretty much drunk. And she keeps licking the sides of her mouth. Randy talks about how she plays with dynamics and volume and that is true, and marks her as a good singer and one with a lot of experience. We don't see that tonight, because she's nervous. She sings "Against All Odds," a song I really love -- have you heard the Postal Service cover of it? My God -- and she sings it amazingly. I hate her craziness and her weird mush-mouthiness and the gaping terror of her Starting Over history that's written all over her face, but she sings it nicely, I guess. She's wearing a crazy dress with a strange breastplate area that makes her look horrible. Tight where it shouldn't be. Her hair and makeup are beautiful. She is beautiful. There's this weird vocoder thing she does on herself, like she's Cher and believes in life after love. It's really fucked-up-sounding because she does it on her own instead of using science and technology. Maybe she's still drunk.
Randy approves, and of course mentions how he did that song with Mariah Carey, which normally would be a threat to the person, but this time is pretty sweet. Paula tells her she commands the stage. Simon tells her she sounded nervous and has sounded way better than that; he hopes she doesn't get eliminated, because her audition was amazing. I'm pretty much rooting for her because she hasn't sexually harassed me in a few weeks. Unlike Travis.
Aloha. Is annoying. Memory-Randy calls her on the Beyoncé in her voice at the audition, and she laughingly but seriously checks him: "The Aloha in my voice." Which would be a gutsy, cool move, if it were true. It's not, and plus, she totally sings a Beyoncé song tonight. God. Way to prove them wrong, idiot. Her voice is nice, but too young to know what to do with itself. It's utterly Beyoncé instead of being itself -- and I wrote that before they explained to me that "Work It Out" is a Beyoncé song. And, you know, her voice is not as good as Beyoncé's voice, so she automatically sounds like she sucks. The Aloha parts of the singing I really like, and the Beyoncé parts of the singing I really like -- though I wish they weren't there -- and the former are far and few between, and the latter are a request to be eliminated.
Randy loved it but doesn't want her to sing like Beyoncé. I don't want her to sing like anything, not even Aloha, because I want her to go home and take herself down a notch or two. Then the stupid Dawg Pound thing again. Paula slurs her words so badly I don't know what she says. Simon says she did the job tonight and that out of the 12 girls, he'll remember three or four, and she's one of them. It's true, I guess. I'll remember how irritating she is. (And, to be fair, I'll remember it because it didn't put me to sleep, and I really liked her moves, and so she's in my top three or four as well, and again, side with the devil and you deserve what you get, so I'll shut up now.)
Then Seacrest says everything he's ever said in his whole life one more time, and then Simon winks at Ryan, for real. Don't encourage him, Cowell, he spent the whole night smirking and giggling about how cute he is. Then there's the review portion, and this time, to me, the main standout of them is Lindsey. Interesting. Not important, but interesting. If that was taken from dress rehearsal, then she hasn't even shown us half of what she can do.
Wednesday, for God's sake
Ryan's wearing quite the natty pale suit -- seems very Aviator-inspired. Or Tom Wolfe. Whatever. Truman Capote. Pick your poison. (Then inject it into your wrinkles. No one will know!) It's well cut and he looks good. Everyone's hair has been contained. Sarah's hair has been flattened. David is wearing a Vanessa Huxtable headband and looks completely ridiculous.
Flashbacks again -- check out the amazing filler here as we cycle through all the past winners, then all the cities of all the places we've been. Leroy Wells and the pink pants girl, Scott Savol, a screaming man, the swamps and a rollercoaster. Ryan looks pretty cool and normal and capable of face movement screaming on the roller coaster. The Molfettas make out with each other a little bit. The other twins, and the triplet girls. The horrible girls in their apple and cow costumes. DMX or something. A giant gay farmer dancing like…a giant gay farmer. Which I have not seen before but he's nailed it nonetheless. Some crazies like that tan guy with the teeth, and the boring girl sent by Our Lord, and Ross. The girl in the pink afghan poncho that was so scary with her singing. The psychic and Rainbow Brightman. ADAM PRATT. The 18-year-old entrepreneuse I loved so much. Aa'shia. Jaclyn. Aaron Kelly. Friggin Dezmond. Every clip I've ever mentioned too many times already. The math again. God. Regina losing it. Marlea losing it. Everybody losing it. Simon and Paula losing it collectively. Stupid Muzak ripoff of "Clocks." More math. Losers, losers, losers. Gay alien. Faith running around losing her shit and dropping marbles everywhere. Extended farewell montage for JP. Mikalah turning it on and off. Twelve "boys" and 12 "girls."
Mikalah looks stunning again. Sorry, but she does. Ryan's face is so paralyzed that it looks like the fake mouth on the face, like those commercials where the baby wants chili, or that scary Alanis Morissette video, or the Manson Family Band video on the DVD of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. He tries again to tell us about how the three weeks of three hours are going to work. It's still confusing and stupid and I have personal reasons to hate it. You know? Just shut up about it, dude. This recap's going to be in late as it is.
Ryan patters that the judges are bummed because they didn't make Paris' Sidekick, and then makes a dumb gay joke about Simon showing up on Richard Simmons' Sidekick. Whatever. I'm so scared to make gay jokes because apparently it magically keeps you from being queer.
Randy, Paula, Ryan, and Simon blather on to fill time. Randy says some of them are original but a lot of them get scared and go "safe." That kind of thing. "The right song lies within each one of them. They have to dig for it. Whatever provokes joy, whatever they love. Whatever's going to stir love in other people." Guess who said that? Why is she even here? Simon and Randy talk over her head while she talks about this, I guess about how this is the only thing she's qualified to talk about so it's good she doesn't leave her own little yard. Ryan says Simon's been tougher on the guys this year and Simon goes on and on, something about how there were higher expectations due to hype and how you have to be harder on them for that reason. Interesting. He strongly implies that it's bullshit and that Monday was disappointing and that America is not stupid. Because I'm becoming a Nadia Crazy, I assume he's talking about her. Why are you pushing the guys when Nadia! Must! Win! Ryan asks if America will agree with Simon's choices. Of course, he says, rolling his eyes not at all fakely, to imply that Ryan is an asshat. Lindsey is already fucking crying, you guys. She and Janay should just get a bicycle built for two and ride across Death Valley weeping and singing and create an oasis in the desert for passing travelers. And then we can pull a Laika and send them to Mars, and then we can go live on Mars.
Of the top six women on the risers, everyone's smiling hugely except for Jessica, who looks like she's losing it, and Sarah Mather, who looks arch and pissed as hell. Bottom row, though, Carrie looks like she's being electrocuted, Mikalah looks like she has no idea what's gong on, Janay as usual looks like she's having to answer the door and tell the cops everything is fine because somebody has a knife to her favorite stuffed animal, Melinda looks like she's going to vomit and tries desperately to smile nonchalantly when the camera gets to her, Nadia looks like she'd rather be anywhere else in the world, and Lindsey looks like they just found the kidney she desperately needs. And all those reactions are true and correct, given what follows, and lead me to believe that they found out at some point before this exactly who was going home.
Ryan talks some boring shit about the Kodak theatre and some contest that nobody cares about on the FOX website, and finally gives us the recap of last night. And you know, it's pretty sad when you're overjoyed just because the tenor of the filler has changed. Vonzell was beautiful and cool as hell, and looks like Kelle with no snout, but with a soul. Mikalah "finally came out of her shell." Cut to the least objectionable part of her performance, i.e. the one that sounded most like, you know, singing. "Personality!" quoth Randy, and Simon told her she was half annoying. I love her smile when it's real. Melinda sang a boring stupid ballad. Jessica sang "Against All Odds," with bonus dumb arm movements and possible hangover. I think I grow to like her a bit more every time I see her singing. Which I've had to do about sixteen times this week. Carrie "added a country twist" with a bunch of glory notes in a country remix of a Tiffany song. Then Simon told Janay that she wasn't fifty, but that Paula was. You know what, why not just give her the songs that fit? "To Sir, With Love." "The Locomotion." Stuff by the Jets.
Review of the dirty talk to Amanda. Nadia stole the show, and does so again right now. Aloha was pretty cool to watch and has a good voice and her confidence is really refreshing -- I mean it -- but she still bugs. Randy loved it and it was the bomb, and Simon said she did the job tonight.
Back in real life, the girls make funny stupid faces. Ryan asks Sarah why she cried after she sang, and she says it's because Simon was mean to her. Still with the dramatic buglike eye makeup. She says in a dead-person manner that "you give it your all, and sometimes you don't get the response you want." And word-for-word, she's responding to the question, but I'm convinced she knew, and it makes that speech -- and the delicate, sad way she delivers it -- much more poignant. She chooses her words intelligently. Everyone agrees that actually being in the thick of this mess is terribly hard, and then she orders the audience to respect everyone involved -- "I know you do, but…" -- and I remember finding something a bit off about this at the time, because she seemed so resigned, but now it's really admirable that she is being so cool. It's obviously a goodbye speech. It was right there in front of me the whole time and I didn't even see it. It bums me out. Amanda and Celena hold her hands and nod sadly at what she's saying. I'm an idiot for being surprised.
Nadia prefers to keep mum about how good she was, or the fact that she's not at all going home. Awesome, if transparent. Especially if she knew she was okay. It isn't that she's fake so much as that she knows what she's doing. There's a reason that any young artists make it -- it's the ones that can swim with sharks. Which is why I don't feel bad about loving Justin, or Ryan Seacrest, or Reese Witherspoon, or last album's Britney: because I must give love to the people that can do it. Youth and beauty and talent are not points in your favor, in this game, because people see those as dollar signs instead of things to be celebrated, and you've got to be hard without losing your humanity, and that's what Nadia is: calculated and brilliant and strong, without coming off like a bitch. And I defy you to tell me you can survive or live your art any other way.
I mean, being associated with this show is like five points off the top of your ability to be self-directed, just by itself, which sucks, but that's just because they're looking for "performers," not necessarily singer-songwriters. Who's the better artist, who's more legit: Billie Holliday or Joni Mitchell? Frank Sinatra or Bob Dylan? Do you really want to go down that road? You gotta carry a big damn stick and use it when they'd turn you into product, is all I'm saying. How much did Kelly have to blow your ass away before you'd forgive her for From Justin To Kelly? Swimming with sharks.
Anyway, Celena tells Ryan she just likes compliments, even if they're as lame as "you look pretty." Janay: Was it nerves? Her hair looks cute. She still looks like an incompetent child, and I think she may be wearing the hated contacts.
Top row (Aloha Jessica Vonzell Amanda Sarah Celena): none of you are on the absolute bottom. I cannot tear my eyes away from Sarah because the rest of them act all relieved and she just smiles all painfully. Bottom row -- Carrie is safe. Mikalah: you do…not have the lowest number of votes. She jerks around all silly and grandstanding. Focus on Janay, as he jumps to her right: Lindsey, you do not. Nadia, you do not. Nadia grandstands a little bit too and also thanks God, who is so totally in the tub when it comes to this show it's like God's sensory deprivation chamber.
Leaving Janay and Melinda, who come down to the Seal with Ryan. "One of you is leaving right now." And then we see the new way things are going to be done, one of the many vastly creepy "improvements" being made to the show, as he says as quickly as possible, "Janay…youaresafeMelindayouareout." She stares and he feels bad and puts his hand on her shoulder. She freaks out and stares blankly into space and cannot speak. Could be a seizure, could be a temper tantrum waiting to happen. Nobody knows and we are live. She's dreadfully pretty. Her eyes are huge and gorgeous and full of tears.
Ryan gets really worried and talks almost not at all into the mic to comfort her. He buys her time with some applause. He's a smart guy, and a nice person. I believe that now. He feels bad because she's freaking me out with her total desolation. She's "shocked." She explains that not being shown in the last five weeks was detrimental and she got screwed by it. Wow. How other people became favorites but she never got shown. She just tells the whole thing. Nadia and Lindsey nod, and Simon looks shifty. Ryan nods and holds the mic ever so closer to her face, urging her to tell it like it is. Awesome.
Ryan says she's still part of the best final 24 ever, and Randy said that she had one of the best voices. "What happened, Randy?" Song choice, as per usual, and she didn't give it her all, and she was "pretty pitchy." (Drink, drink, drink.) You can start to see her eyebrows knitting and the anger coming up. It totally throws Paula off so she's even more weird and halting than usual talking about how she also watched last night, and Melinda was off-pitch, a lot, and she says that yes, Melinda wasn't all over the screen the last five weeks, but that just meant this was her last chance. Which is true, you know? Simon takes this further and says that her last shot wasn't good enough. Janay cries her ass off the whole time. Doesn't wipe them away at all, so they streak down her face. Amanda fake-cries and Sarah just looks grossed out by this whole thing.
Ryan is like, can you possibly sing to us? She and Janay both look like he just bit the head off a kitten and drooled kitten guts on his shirt. She does a really good job, like, even if you didn't know she was totally messed up in her mind, she'd still sound good. It's nice to see her escape into it. Janay fucking weeps the whole time. And I think that's real, but I hate it anyway because it's like she's watching a movie and doesn't know that it's not real. Nadia wipes away first a real tear, then a fake one for the cameras. She takes a deep breath. The boys are totally bummed out. The girls are all crying, and Ryan's on his little stool.
Everybody's sad, because they have had the advantage of having gotten to know her, which we didn't. She drops it at the end, and it's not nice to see that happen, and then she gets back on and finishes pretty well. Sarah screams, "Yeah, baby!" All the girls come down and dogpile on her and she collapses completely. It's so real and sad. Ouch. I hate this show. This is painful to watch. Jessica puts her arm around Sarah, who strokes Melinda's hair from behind Nadia, who just happens to have planted herself directly in front of the camera. We don't even have faked-up mansion footage this year, so there's no telling about the relationships here yet, just people holding hands with the people close by. Still, interesting.
The "girls" are all stashed in the red room for the first guy elimination. Nadia still looks devastated. So do Jessica and Janay. Aloha is starting to look a little down. They wisely keep the camera off Sarah for now. On the stands, Jared's slumped down with his arms crossed over himself in the international symbol for "Fuck This Bullshit," Constantine's a grinning tool, Anwar looks stressed, Scott and Mario are applauding, and Nikko looks quite comfy. Jared forces a giant smile and Ryan Seacrest keeps staring off-camera (at the judges? I'm betting a producer) like he has never hated life as much as he does right now. Considering how much practice he's had, that should tell you how dire the straits in which we currently are truly have become. His eyebrows can move all of a sudden. It's been two days, since yesterday (they're taped ahead of time and tonight is live) so maybe some feeling has come back. Trailing hideous decrepit age with it, I guess.
Recap of the boys: Nikko sounds better here in his red shirt and black necktie. Randy loved it and the audience freaked. Travis was cute but fake and slutty, Anthony's scar kept twitching at you, Jared was "ghastly" and Paula finally bitches at Simon for his meanness. They all loved Bo, and they all loved Constantine. Even though he looked like a fucking sicko and sang like he'd had an entire sweater covered in jelly and stuffed in his mouth. Anwar sounded admittedly awesome but spent a lot of time staring into space like a zombie. Judd was slammin' hot like whoa but after seeing it a million times I don't think it was his best. I mean, as Melinda will tell you, I have no grounds, but considering the quality of his voice, I think it was probably a little imitative and Elvissy than something else might have been. Paula was wearing weird Renaissance Faire clothing. Mario was very energetic and paced like a cat. Randy explained to us in no uncertain terms that it was the best performance. Simon agreed, as a performance total, but they cut out the part where he said the vocal by itself was not. But then, the miniscule parts where he actually sang were the best part, so that would be confusing to discuss.
Ryan points out that people were cheering during the recap video, and asks Bo if his oldness gives him an advantage. Bo says he's maybe more comfortable onstage, and maybe has a better connection to music, because of writing it and playing instruments and those things actual musicians do. Because Nigel and the Simons pissed themselves about the whole "stick to rapping" thing, Ryan gets Constantine to clear up the confusion about him saying shit to Randy when it was actually Ryan, and because they're selling him like the Rent is due, they have to clear that up. Anwar is humble, and frankly I'm edging toward getting sick of it. Is that wrong?
He jerks Scott around. Not smart. That dude'll cut you. Results after commercial.
First, the lowest votes. Judd, on the bottom row, still has himself deep down in the chair with his arms crossed. It hurts me. Anthony is staring openly at either Jared or Judd, Constantine is looking pronouncedly up at the ceiling, Travis is inspecting his nails because it's awkward sitting to Jared right now, and then Ryan goes to the top row one by one because they're all safe: Anwar smiles nervously, Joe looks kind of pissed, David (no headband) is either pissed or about to cry, Bo clearly hates this portion of the show and won't even look at Ryan, Mario half pretends to be worried but really both he and Scott are grossed out as well -- Scott shakes his head like he's disgusted about the whole world -- none of them had the lowest number of votes. He tells them and they all fall out, though, so maybe I'm reading too much into this. It's like six of those plastic dogs with the elastic inside where you press the button and their bones go to jelly. Then, because they are dudes, they all fist-bop the knee of the boy to their right, in unison. It's hilarious. It's almost like comfort, but a little violent, so it's not gay.
Meaning someone in the bottom row had the very lowest number of votes. He calls up all six onto the Seal. Judd and Jared -- mostly Jared -- look like they've been called to the principal's office for something that totally wasn't even their fault. Ryan goes down the list: Anthony gets ready to smile as Ryan drags it out. Constantine squints and grins but either his timing is off -- because when Ryan does tell him to hang out for a second, which he was clearly anticipating, he doesn't really react at all -- or he's just realized he has zero cred because he's on this show, or maybe that he kind of hates himself for wanting to win it. Ryan tells Judd he did not have the lowest number of votes, and Judd plays along. Nikko is fine, and gives no indication that this matters at all. Back to Constantine, who plays it for all it's fucking worth and almost starts crying and generally stays onstage as long as possible. He even gets a laugh from the audience -- guys? He's pleased enough with himself as it is.
Down to Jared and Travis. Which is awful, because they already did this to Travis his last day in Hollywood, but at least we're being quick and mean now: "America has voted. Travis…needyoutositdownJaredyouareout." This is the second "You are out." Can an "Auf wiedersehen" be far behind, Heidi? Ryan pulls him close in a pretty-boy embrace and they shake hands.
Randy: Jared didn't show a reason to be here "last night." He says this thing he's been saying all night about how you have to "leave it on the stage" and I'm no closer to understanding what that means. Paula would like him to show his talent now, now that he's been rejected. "Simon, anything constructive for Jared?" asks Ryan. "No." Jesus, Simon. You can tell that one hurt, but Jared tries to laugh it off.
He sings, and I must say that soul-destruction does lovely things for his voice. It takes out a lot of the bullshit grandstanding...nope, there it is. Hi, Enrique. Wanna cracker? His movements are really good -- very realistic. David sways sadly. His voice sounds pretty much fantastic. Jared loses it for a second and can't even sing, and just skips a couple lines, and everybody spontaneously starts clapping to encourage him. He very nearly loses it right then. It's a bummer. He finishes, and shoots across the stage into Ryan's arms like a bullet. So would I. I think Ryan's very comforting all of a sudden. There are days when I could really use a hug from Ryan Seacrest, based on watching him tonight. The comfort of the other guys seems in some ways more genuine but a lot more reserved, too, compared to the girls.
The sound system is jacked up and it gives Ryan a certain demonic edge to his voice for a while. Another shot of the ladies in the red room, looking much the worse for Jared's ouster, and Sarah staring straight out into space, and Mikalah looking like she might go on a rampage, and Aloha hugging herself, and Janay and Lindsey continuing to cry. I have a question: because of the forced gender split, isn't it possible that, say, Judd or even Jared scored higher than Melinda or Sarah, or Janay? You see what I'm saying? If there were overwhelming votes for the guys -- who we've been told about sixteen times are the best group of vocalists ever assembled in the same room -- they could have as a group beat, to take it to extremes, all of the women, and still two would go home. I'm not suggesting that this has happened, by any stretch, although such is my love for Judd Harris that I'm willing to grant it provisional status, but mostly I just think it's interesting, and pretty much an utter flaw. I know I sound sort of, well, crazy, with the amount I'm bringing this stuff up this week, but it's worth thinking about. Having to watch this show multiple times each week has given me some time to ponder why I keep seeing the same people and images and hearing the same untruths over and over.
Anyway. He asks the back line of ladies to stand up and explains that now it's about the second-lowest vote (meaning, I guess, that you sucked marginally less than at least Melinda) and the top row is no longer safe. The bottom row body language has not changed at all. Carrie still looks scared, Mikalah and Nadia still look totally impassive, and Janay and Lindsey are basket cases. Back to the top, Aloha is totally inappropriate and goofy and irritating, of course, wiping imaginary sweat from brow and heaving a sigh and smiling to beat the band. God, girl. Jessica cries a little bit, holding hands with Aloha. I assume this is because she's closest. Ryan asks whether Vonzell, who sang "Heat Wave," is "hot enough for America." Two quick things: First, hell yeah she is, and she's obviously safe, and second, Seacrest! You can tell them no when they make you say shit like this! Give it a shot!
"Amanda…Sarah [with the dead eyes]…Celena…AmericavotedSarahyouareout." She's pretty cool and reserved about it. She and her monster breasts come down to be sad. Ryan sighs and rubs her back and reminds us that this awful thing will keep happening every week. Amanda, Celena, and Vonzell cuddle up in a collective expression of caring that can't help but be a little bit smug.
Randy, at the risk of sounding original, says that last night wasn't her best performance. DRINK! This is the big time, he says. Ryan cuts him off when he starts going on about how that's what's so great about this competition, to kind of weirdly ask what the fatal mistake was on Sarah's part. Obviously it was that trite, stupid song. Paula's all, "Sarah and I we've spoken Sarah is beautiful performer um I wish you the best of luck," et cetera, which does in fact contain the answer to his question in there somewhere, when you translate it to English, but the gist is that it was the wrong song, like she correctly stated last night, and that she's going far or whatever. So drink.
"Gorgeous girl," says Paula, and I don't think it sounds to the person as nice as she means it, when she says that. I think they have actual aspirations and it's more of an insult, whereas Paula (and apparently Celena Rae, and most certainly Amanda) like nothing better than to be told they're pretty. Paula rolls over like a dog for a belly rub when you say it to her, I know that much. But she's spent a lot of time getting criticized for the way she looks, which is stupid because she actually is very beautiful, I think, even with all the shit she's done to herself, and I guess getting criticized for something that isn't true might introduce some doubt into the mind of someone as weak in her opinions as Paula seems to be, so maybe that's why she's gone back to just wanting to be told she's pretty, which means that this is in some ways the highest compliment she can give, especially considering she knows sweet F.A. about music.
Then Simon is totally nice to her, and I'm guessing he was her big backer -- actually, I heard that he was also really supportive of Jared too, because again: dollar signs, pretty, nice voice, and that's one of the reasons his last comment to Jared was such utter ugly mean-spirited bullshit. But at least he doesn't go to that well twice, and says really nice stuff to Sarah: "In years" she would have totally cleaned up, which is nice while still pushing the agenda that this is the best season ever, she needs to "pick herself up" because she's "going to feel bad right now," which is what passes for sympathy in England, and pushes the idea that this is "absolutely not the end of your world." Then Ryan agrees with him when he says, "It was the song, okay?" Which might be the coolest thing he's ever just up and said.
Ryan now points out that Sarah is now going to be forced to sing the song that everyone just said damned her, which is pretty funny and even she thinks so. And then she becomes TOTALLY AWESOME.
For last Wednesday (the 16th -- that's the night the final 24 were revealed), there was an average 10.5/12 share for the night (beating everyone soundly, -highest was ABC at 7.9/12). That means that 10.5% of all households with TVs, and 12% of all households with turned-on TVs, were watching FOX that night. Around 23 million houses, basically. Additionally, FOX had 7.8 percent of all households with adults between 18 and 49.
For the Monday in this recap, FOX (with a 10.7/15) beat usual winner CBS by a 0.6 rating for the night's averages. For adults 18-49, there was a 7.7 rating -- well above second-placer CBS, with a 5.2. In the AI hour alone, Fox had a 13.2/19 score. That's a lot of people watching (almost 29 million) and, one assumes, voting. Not that I did.
Tuesday's episode drew 28 million viewers (probably this would have been true both nights but for confusion about the new timeslot). The night's average was a 12.8/19 (-highest was CBS with a 7.8/12 -- that's a total beating). Adults 18-49 was even crazier on Tuesday, with an 8.9 (compared to a tie for second by ABC and NBC comedies at 3.5). For the AI hour alone, FOX beat CBS hugely: a 15.9/24 vs. a 9.0/13. That's almost twice as many people watching FOX as were watching the -highest channel; about 35 million. Million! For comparison, Gilmore Girls, which does pretty well for the WB, came in at 3.7/6 (8.1 million households). Which makes me so, so sad. Not to mention House, which is a pretty good show, which got huge lead-in from the AI audience and landed a 9.7/15.
And finally, Wednesday's results, which is the point of all this, beat NBC pretty much completely, averaging a 10.5/18 for the night vs. ABC at 7.9/12 -- which is regarded as pretty good for a drama. For the 18 to 49s FOX had a 7.5 while ABC averaged 5.0. For the AI hour, FOX got a 15.6/23 against one of ABC's two new tent-pole shows, Lost), which drew a lovely 11.9/18 -- a difference of 5% of all households watching TV that hour. Like, one point one million people would rather watch this than Lost, and I'm the only one I know getting paid to do it. The rest made that choice for themselves.
So week, we'll compare and see if everyone really is shocked and horrified as they say they are by the bullshit I am about to tell you all about. And I hope the ratings totally eat shit so they'll stop thinking we need to see this. Just please remember, it's not because they're demons, it's because they think we're more likely to watch.
So he kind of resignedly tells the bottom row (Anthony, Constantine, Judd, Nikko, and Travis) to "sit there and relax," because they had to run all around earlier when Jared bit it. He brings down the top row and asks them to make two lines on either side of him. This is complex. Jessica just starts crying right here.
He holds up the cards to the camera to show that nobody onstage can tell what he's up to. He sends Mario and Scott back to the stands. They both look a little gloaty but mostly icked out. They act pretty relieved, though, so who knows? Bo claps Ryan on the shoulder and then he sends Bo and David back up and David has a quick word with God, I think. Finally, Anwar and Joe. This is ugly because the bottom row thinks they're okay but he's obviously about to send them both back up. Ugh. He does. UGH. The girls are freaked out. Joe tries to -- I swear -- tries to tell Ryan that there's nobody left. Like maybe it was a mistake and he should be sent home. And until watching him again tonight, I would have agreed.
Nadia and Jessica are just fucking agape. Ryan stares off camera accusingly for awhile, like he did before. He turns around suddenly: "Juddyouaregoinghometonight." Oh, the fear. My stomach gets sick, and not just because I like Judd. It's because it's awful. It's sick and gross. Maybe he turned around and did it all fast because they were running out of time, maybe just because he hates this whole bullshit thing. I don't know. But I don't think the cruel part was whipping around and yelling it, I think that was more about like when your doctor gave you shots when you were little. Nobody wants to see this, except for the imaginary us that FOX is trying to keep watching.
The girls -- Mikalah, Amanda, and Celena -- are aghast, but not so much believably so. Aloha and Janay have their mouths just hanging open. Ryan grabs Judd. The girls stare some more. It's like a horror movie. Ryan asks him how it feels to have gone all the way through the last hour and Judd is totally cool about it, explaining his deal and how he's disappointed but it didn't work out. He's such a man.
Randy says it's because this is the toughest season yet and he can't explain it and maybe "they" didn't feel it like "we" did. Paula thinks it's because the boys are really good, is minorly grossed out, and hates Wednesdays. That's a three-fer as far as what she should be saying to continue to sell this show. Coincidence? Simon's not exactly surprised, but feels sorry for him. He and Paula agree that it was a novelty song (she called it his niche, okay?), even though they loved it Monday, and then Judd is compelled to sing the song that got him. That's sick.
He sings it and it's nice. Again. His voice gets scratchy, and not in the good way. He does a good job, though, especially considering he just got supremely jerked around for an hour -- and in such a weird, complicated, hell-inducing manner -- and then unceremoniously dumped. The girls crowd up behind him clapping and dancing. They're over their total shock, I guess. They scream for him and Amanda and Nadia put their hands all over him. The reactions seem even more genuine for him than the other three. He's magnetic, is why.
He's tiny, and once done with his song he's basically just pulled entirely off his feet by a wave of love. Then, because it's live, Ryan abruptly says goodbye to us. Then, he grabs Judd some more, and then Judd kisses him. Seriously. A little peck on the neck like you would your dad. It's very real and very spazzy and he's already starting to cry. They all gather around him and push against him like a zombie movie, and then everyone hugs everybody else. I myself need a hug now. Seacrest out.