Gah. Running late! I've got eight hours to do this whole recap, so there's no time for fanciness. In fact, because of the time it took to tell you all I'm running late, I'll have to settle for one less insult directed at Paula.
Tuesday. Whoa. We open right up with the credits. That's odd. I'm so used to Ryan telling us what the show's all about, then seeing the credits, and then having Ryan tell us what the show's all about again. But that's okay, because that means that they don't have time either. Ryan "Gay, Like Elton John" Seacrest greets the cheering crowd from the Seal. He's wearing his black Johnny Cash outfit, which is good, because I don't have time to mock him. He tells us there are nine kids left. And only a third of them have any talent. So it's going to be a painful hour. Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "British, Like Elton John," Paula "Flamboyant, Like Elton John," and Randy "Overweight, Like Elton John" Jackson. He uses Elton John songs that I've already used as nicknames for them in the past to introduce them. Randy reminds us that he loves himself, because somebody has to.
So tonight's theme, in case you didn't pick up neither Ryan's nor my clues, is "the songs of Sir Elton John." A clip show reminds us that Elton John used to be flashy and fascinating. He dressed and lived crazily and sang wild songs in the '70s and was just generally over the top. And now he sings songs for Disney cartoons. Elton John is your parents, pretty much. Or possibly you. We get quite an age range here. Ryan calls Elton one of the most prolific songwriters of the twentieth century. Poor, poor Bernie Taupin gets no love. Elton currently has a show in Vegas. You know they find their guest judges and themes just by walking down the Strip, don't you? I'd say two out of three guest judges or performers getting a theme about them have Vegas shows. Incidentally, I hear radio promos for Neil Sedaka's Vegas show all day long on the radio, and you know who he's talking about? Clay. He's seriously hoping "Solitaire" will lead to a Sedaka revival. Silly man. He hasn't realized that it doesn't matter what Clay sings. They're not going to buy Sedaka. They're going to buy more Clay.
Gah! I got off track. I'm late! Because of that distraction, I won't have time to tell Randy to shut up. Anyway, the kids practice singing an Elton John song horribly in some hotel conference room, when Simon comes in to tell them that he's not the best person to judge them this week. Keep working on those acting skills, Simon. Someday, that line will be remotely believable. He introduces Elton John, who walks in as the kids all scream and pretend that they didn't know he was stopping by. This was probably the seventh take. I guess the fact that they're practicing on a red piano that is apparently the name of Elton's show wasn't enough of a clue. Elton is wearing a boring black suit with a white shirt, which isn't tucked in and hangs out below his jacket. He's wearing dark glasses, too. Camile cries all over the place at meeting Elton. The kids all hug him and tell us what it's like to meet Elton, misusing the word "surreal." It might have been surreal meeting Elton John twenty-five years ago, but not so much anymore. Elton John sits down to Michael Orland as the kids all practice with him. Man, that must be quite stressful for Michael. Jon thinks it's exciting to sing a song in front of Elton that Elton wrote for himself. Poor, poor Bernie Taupin. Elton says he's proud of them all and will be watching.
Our first performer tonight is Fantasia Barrino, who is standing in one of the aisles as though she's going to start taking questions from the audience rather than singing. For mini-clip shows tonight, we get to see each contestant practicing with Elton and hear what he says about them. Fantasia says that meeting Elton was the second-best day of her life, right after giving birth to her child. What sort of fame whore would put her own child ahead of meeting a celebrity? Oh, Fantasia, you'll never make it with that attitude. She says that Elton is one smooth cat. Really. Elton tells us she'd offer Fantasia a record contract right now. He thinks she sang his song better than he did. Fantasia is sassy about performing (if you don't like Fantasia: "snotty").
Ryan introduces Fantasia to sing "Something About The Way You Look Tonight." Ah, Fantasia has decided to actually sing in the crowd. How convenient that she picked a spot to a giant pro-Fantasia sign. If you like Fantasia: She manages to infuse a belting song with a lot of personality, something few of the singers are able to do. She works the crowd, flirting with an older man and making the folks feel like she's singing about them. She also takes some time out to make us feel like she's singing about us, too. She gets off some nice notes, but this is a more subtle number. She works her way up to the stage and ends with a great note.
If you don't like Fantasia: First of all, she appears to be wearing tapeworms as earrings. Ew. Her black, strapless dress isn't all that flattering either, bunching up in all the wrong places. She comes off a bit phony in her attempts to interact with the audience. And don't get all up in the camera to sing. It's embarrassing and makes you look desperate. And, yes, she somehow manages to fit her "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaaaah"s into the end of the song.
Judges. The microphones are turned on early again, and we hear Simon telling Randy, "No pressure, Randy. No pressure. You can do it. For once, you can do it." Whatever the hell that might mean. Smells like a poll. Randy says that Elton would be proud of how Fantasia sang his song, and compares her to a young Aretha. Paula says there's nothing about Fantasia she doesn't love. Simon says he thought it was Fantasia's weakest performance so far. I sort of agree, though she still sounded very good to me. He says there were parts of the song that sounded like she was screeching. If you don't like Fantasia: She was! She was! Welcome to our world, Simon. Fantasia responds, "I loved it, Simon. I had a blast!" and gives a smug smile to the audience. If you like Fantasia: You tell him, girlfriend! If you don't like Fantasia: Shut it, you stuck-up harpy. Ryan comes out on the stage and gives us Fantasia's numbers. He has Fantasia read the last digit of her number, which she draws out wackily -- "oooooone."
Commercials. We return to the part where Ryan introduces the contestant while standing to Randy. Randy, of course, is signing "I Love You" to the camera. up is Jon Peter Lewis. As we listen to Jon sing "Rocket Man" completely off-key -- it's like he's trying to unlock his front door with his car key, he's that far off -- Elton insists to us that Jon has good pitch and phrasing. Is Elton no longer clean and sober? Jon tells us he hopes he does the song justice.
Ryan introduces Jon to the Seal, where he's sitting on a drinking fountain stool, wearing jeans, two shirts, and black leather jacket. If you like Jon: I don't have the time to pretend that I find anything about Jon likeable. Sorry.
If you don't like Jon: The boy just can't sing. He does a better job at covering than the rest of us who can't sing. He manages to keep at a constant pitch -- it's just not the right one. Oh god, I paused for a moment, and unpaused right in the middle of a truly awful note. He gets up and does his little dork-march dance over to the side of the stage. He bugs his eyes out. The camera guys go to extreme close-up mode on Jon throughout the performance to make him look even creepier, but I guess that isn't even enough. He has a fairly good falsetto, but his transition into it at points in the song sounds forced and unnatural. That's probably because his falsetto voice actually sounds better than his regular singing voice.
Judges. Randy loves Jon's jacket and says it's something "the dawg" would wear, meaning himself. Shut up, Randy. Oh, I had time after all. Randy says he didn't think it was one of Jon's best performances, and he's starting to seem nervous onstage. Well, yes, because everybody irrationally hates him, except for the people who irrationally love him. He's like a child in the middle of a particularly bitter custody battle. He thinks it's his fault that America is fighting over him. Paula says, "Um…" and trails off for a few seconds, which means that she hated the hell out of it. She points out that one of the difficulties about Elton songs is that they have so much range. Well, the old ones do, anyway. The newer ones, not so much. She says he sounded good on the higher notes. Oh, great, I'm with Paula again -- thinking he sounded better as his notes got higher. She adds that she feels as though Jon's still trying to "find himself." Simon says he agrees with Randy about the nice jacket. He adds that the best he could call Jon's performance is "average," and says Jon needs voice lessons. Nobody boos. He says that Jon isn't "wowing" anybody and has hit a plateau. He thinks Jon has a nice voice, but he needs to work on it. Still, nobody boos. Finally at the end, one girl shouts out that she loves Jon. Jon thanks her and heads over to Ryan, who asks Jon if he finds himself "overthinking" the judges' advice. Jon doesn't even understand what the hell Ryan is talking about. He says he actually agrees with the some of the things the judges say, and thinks every performance can use some "fine-tuning." Ryan gives the numbers.
up is Jasmine Trias. In her clip show, she wears an asterisk in her hair for variety (mood: historical footnote). She has selected "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," of course. The most predictable of song choices. She tells us she's concerned because "this whole day caught [her] off-guard," and then giggles, because this was all such a surprise. She worries about making the song "her own." Why is she suddenly worried about that? It's not like she ever bothered making any of her other performances her own. Elton tells us that even though Jasmine was nervous after meeting him, she did a good job. He thought she was boring, I think. She tells us she's going to make Elton John proud. What, her too? Doesn't anybody want to humiliate him or anything? Oh, John hasn't sung yet.
Ryan introduces Jasmine to the stage, where she's wearing yet another set of zippered capris (olive in color), and a weird vinyl transparent shirt thing that looks like a bath curtain or a new type of packing material. She's wearing a white shirt underneath that, and she's got a white and yellow flower in her hair (mood: pleasantly irrelevant). Her singing is competent and dull, just as expected. I keep forgetting to mention the split shots. Sometimes they cut the screen in half and show a performer from two different angles, like on some awful televised talent show. Oh…right. There's nothing to say about her performance. It's nice. And I've already forgotten about it. She doesn't miss any notes, but she doesn't do anything remotely interesting. Oh wait, she just missed a note. Oh, and another. Oh, and that last one, too. So there's that. She misses a few notes toward the end.
Judges. Randy says that Jasmine picked a song that shows off her vocals the best, but she was a bit pitchy and a little under on some of the high notes. Paula agrees that Jasmine was a little pitchy, too. She then blathers on with some nonsense about how Jasmine sounds better when she's "vulnerable," which allows her to come in and out of some sort of "melodious" state and a flock of green chickens are drinking Tang at Coney Island. Seriously, she makes no sense. You've got to be on something if you think Jasmine's got a personality. After she's done, Simon says that he didn't understand a word of what Paula was saying. He says that Jasmine wasn't good enough. She's average. He says she's not doing enough to win. Nobody boos. Although they do cheer for her. Ryan comes onstage to give Jasmine's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for John Stevens. John is going to sing "Crocodile Rock," the very idea of which strains the concepts of logic and reason so much that all the dimensions in my apartment convert to non-Euclidean geometry and gravity ceases to function. As I float along, typing on a keyboard that looks like the smell of Portugal, John tells us that while he was singing, Elton started to play on the piano along with Michael. John thinks this is awesome. I suppose he'll be disappointed to hear that Elton was probably trying to drown out the sound of his singing. Elton tells us he's a little concerned because John chose a novelty song, which can either go for you or against you. Ah, he's not familiar with how it can actually do both on this show. You can do awful, and people will love you all the more. It makes perfect sense from where I'm perched, which is on a chair in the shape of purple, floating upside down in my living room, which is now the shape of an inside-out triangle. Elton tells us that John has to show a lot of personality. John tells us that Elton told him he has to show a lot of personality. John says this without any hint of personality.
Ryan introduces John to the Seal. John is wearing a blue jeans and a black shirt, along with a rust-colored jacket. If you like John: I can't help you. Seriously. Get professional assistance. If you don't like John: Could he have possibly picked a worse song? He has no stage presence at all, and his voice is terribly thin. This song requires you to be loud, flashy, and fun, three things John is not and never will be. He shuffles and snaps along, as his tiny voice is practically drowned out by the audience clapping for him. He's got some terrible vibrato. He screeches out the "la la la la la laaaaa" part. He does! And it's awful! I just don't have words. I think he's trying to get himself sent home. But oh, how it backfires. They love you, John, so they're going to show you how much they love you by forcing you to keep singing terribly and then have other people tell you how awful you are. Consider it a valuable lesson about dysfunctional relationships that will serve you well into adulthood. Nobody who loves you would make you do this. Nobody who loves you would let you do this. People who love you would rush the stage and pull you off and bring you someplace quiet so they could have a nice talk about your future.
Judges. Randy hated it. He calls it a valiant effort, but says it was one of the worst "high school plays [he's] ever seen." And the shortest, I would guess. I think he means a high-school-play level of performance. The audience boos. Paula starts, "I…here's the thing…" Ah, that means she hated it, too. She says that John was off-pitch in parts, but sometimes you just need to overlook that in live performances. Especially when the person singing is cute! Like John! And Jon! And Béyoncé! And Britney! Well, she would be out of tune if she were actually singing. She praises John for trying to "break of out [his] box" and having fun. Except that he sucked, which isn't really fun for anybody. She blathers on forever before saying that she liked that he was having fun, but he needs to work a little more on that whole "singing" thing. Simon says Paula should be president, because if anybody could come up with a diplomatic way to describe John's performance, she deserves the top job. Simon says that John's performance was the musical equivalent of Plan 9 from Outer Space. Damn, that was the best insult ever. Except that since an upcoming theme is supposed to be music from the movies, he just missed out on tying his insult to the performance gimmicks. People boo. Somebody heckles something that causes Simon to respond, "You don't mean that." He says that John's performance was awful and "excruciating." Ryan heads out to give John's numbers.
Commercials. If you get stoned, your team might lose a swim meet. Man, the folks who produce anti-drug commercials continue to astound me with their complete lack of understanding of human behavior. In their world, "responsibility" is something that discourages drug use, not something that adds to the stress that sometimes causes it.
I didn't have time for that aside. Now I'll have to cut Camile's performance. Just kidding. I wish I could, though. Camile Velasco is . She cries some more about meeting Elton. She tells us she's star-struck. She's picking one of my favorite Elton songs to sing, "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road," which makes me so very sad. Elton makes some bland comment about her singing well even though she was nervous, which means he hates her and hopes she falls off the stage.
Ryan introduces Camile to the stage. She's wearing two shirts that somehow combine to cover less of her than any one shirt. One is green and one is yellow. You can still see her belly button. She's also wearing a pair of black pants. Her singing is wretched and off-key. She's under the note, and she can't hold it steady. It's too low for her register. See, this is where I think Randy and Paula's comments have really hurt her. Her range is totally not as low as Lauryn Hill's, but they keep insisting that's what she should sound like. She sounds a little better when she switches up to the higher notes. Not that she's still not very, very bad. And have you ever read the lyrics to this song? You never really notice them because of the way Elton sings, but: "Back to the howling old owl in the woods, / hunting the horny-back toad." See, those are the type of lyrics music is missing today with all the ass-shaking. Toad-eating!
Judges. Before Randy can speak, some guy hollers, "We love you, Camile! Graaaagh!" I swear to God, I think it was Matt Rogers. Run, Camile! Nobody who loves you goes "Graaaagh!" Randy describes the performance as shaky and pitchy. Paula says she knows that Camile likes this song and was very passionate about it, but thinks it wasn't the right song for her. Simon says that somewhere in Vegas, Elton John just threw his television out of his hotel window. Maybe it will land on Molly Sims. Is that show even still on? The audience boos. Simon says that he thinks this is the end of the road for her. Ryan comes out to the stage to give us the number and remind us that Camile still does have fans. Well, all the crappy singers have fans. It's just this thing.
up is George Huff, who, needless to say, is very happy and ebullient at meeting Elton. Elton doesn't seem to like George that much. Interesting. He says that George was the "least rehearsed" of the contestants. I'm not sure whether he means least prepared or least stiff, like in Diana's case. George has picked "Take Me to the Pilot," one of Elton's lesser-known songs. Elton says that the fact that the song isn't as well-known might present a problem for him, but George seems to get into it. George, wearing a tacky orange and yellow stocking cap, tells us that everybody will get to know this song after he performs it. Ooh, George seems to be coming to terms with his ego. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
Ryan introduces George to the stage. He's wearing jeans and approximately seventeen shirts, all in shades of gray and black. Is the layered look coming back? Again? I'm not doing it. Sorry. I did the slacker version from the '90s for a little while, but I'm done with it. This is a good song choice for George, because it's one of the Elton songs that sounds like it was influenced by gospel music. In fact, if you consider the idea of the "pilot" being God, which is how I'm reading the lyrics, it is an upbeat gospel song. The Dip is back. Oh, how it is back. George does the Dip like he's a singing Tigger getting ready to bounce around the stage on his tail. His voice is typically solid and a bit hoarse. The audience loves it. Or was told to love it. Amy Adams is out there in the audience, without her cute boyfriend.
Judges. Randy calls George "Mr. Huff" several times and says that George "did [his] thing" and gets better every week. Paula calls George "a singing machine." Diana bursts into painstakingly animated CGI tears backstage. Simon says George was unique, and thanks him from "saving" tonight from what could have been a "horrible karaoke competition." Simon tries to praise George some more, but the audience drowns him out. Heh. Even when he's trying to be nice, the audience won't let Simon speak. Ryan comes out to the stage to give us George's numbers.
Commercials. up is Diana Degarmo, and, "like, omigosh, Elton John is, like, two feet from [her]. Omigod!" This girl really does only exist as a Disney teen comedy character. Diana chose "I'm Still Standing," which I believe is the song several posters predicted she would take. Elton says the song has a lot of "sass" and so does Diana, thanks to her latest patch, so she should be good to go. Diana says she's nervous but hopes she'll do well.
Ryan introduces Diana to the stage. What the hell is she wearing? Her shirt is this shiny sky-blue thing that is decorated with butterflies. It's off her left shoulder and tied along the side. It is without a doubt the most hideous top I've seen on this show. Worse than anything Paula's ever worn. She comes out prancing and smiling her pageant smile as she sings. She heads off the stage and wanders through the audience, getting people to give her high-fives (including her mother) and ordering them to "come on!" High fives during a song? Is it between periods at a Ducks game or a pep rally something? Just…no. No high fives. If you understood what the song was about, you wouldn't go high-five-ing people. Go get that asshole significant other for a few months, then come back and sing this song. You'll get it then. ["Or get a squadron of body-painted dancing extras like Elton had in the video. Hee." -- Sars] Her voice isn't as solid this time, and she sounds pitchy on several of the held notes.
Judges. Randy reminds Diana that he's a fan of hers, thus reminding me of one of the reasons I don't like him this season. Despite being a fan, he says she didn't sound as good tonight and was pitchy in spots. Paula points out to us that Diana isn't completely healthy tonight (neither was Jasmine, but nobody mentioned that), and says that it was good that she didn't let it hold her back. She still thinks Diana is one of the best singers in the competition. Simon simply says, "I have nothing to say." He hates her and is just sick of her and has pretty much shrieked "beauty pageant theme-park girl" as much as he possibly could. Ryan and Diana both idiotically declare that they'll "take that" from Simon, because somehow it's better for Simon to say you're beneath any comments than to actually have him say anything. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers.
up is LaToya London. In the clip show, Elton tells us he'd give LaToya a contract as well. He says that the fact she ended up in the bottom three last week astonished him: "It shows that there are a lot of idiots out there." I think Miss Alli just wrote a piece to that effect, though she was a bit more diplomatic in her observations. LaToya tells us this is her chance to sing like she's never sung before. No, honey, we get that from Jon and Camile. I want you to sing like you have sung before. Frequently.
Ryan introduces LaToya to the stage to sing "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." That's another one of my fave Elton songs, though I'll readily admit that it's far too melodramatic. LaToya starts off seated on the edge of the stage wearing a simple sundress that is coral at the top, fading down to yellow. And dangly earrings. All the dangly earrings. I want a contestant to come out wearing a little chain of plastic monkeys from that kids' game. The shorter hair is back, thank God. The Hair is lying in wait after she dropped to the bottom three. It wants a contestant it knows is going to make it to the end, so it can jump on top and ride its way to glory. LaToya is actually singing this song in a bit of a different fashion from Elton in order to "make it her own." This is interesting because, absent a copied style, you can more easily recognize some of the minor flaws in her technique. She's still a very, very good singer, but she's not quite as solid and confident on the notes as when she's mimicking the original performer more carefully. And then she turns to the glory notes toward the end to energize the performance, which was a little bit all over the place. I know I sound a little bit tough on her here, because it was a very good performance, but I do think she has a lot of room for improvement. I'm just helping her grow as a performer. That's what TWoP is all about: helping people grow.
Judges. Randy thanks her for singing wonderfully. Paula describes the performance as "magical" and thinks it was her best performance yet. Simon says it was a good performance, but wasn't as wowed as Simon and Paula. He says the first two-thirds of the song was similar to what you'd hear at a wedding. That seems appropriate, given that LaToya is, in fact, a wedding singer. He jokes to Paula, "If you and I ever get married, we'll book her." Paula laughs, because she's already got their wedding all planned out. Simon concludes that it wasn't as good as the other two judges thought, but still much better than many of the others tonight. Ryan comes out on stage and gives LaToya's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, our mandated [product-placed cola] moment takes place as Ryan introduces us to one of the "hosts" of Pop Idol in the United Kingdom, Kate Thornton, sitting in the audience. I thought Ant and Dec were the hosts. Did they get Dunkled or something? How would she compare the singing here with the U.K.? She diplomatically says they'd be more than happy to have such singers on their show, which doesn't say that either group is better or worse than the other. How is Simon's ego here compared to the U.K.? "Equally out of control and unbearable," she says. And we all love him the more for it.
Our final contestant tonight is Jennifer Hudson. She says she's "overwhelmed" to be singing one of Elton's songs right there in front of him. She's not crying, though, which is kind of disappointing. I want the drama back! Elton says her voice just blew him away, in a good way. He thinks Jennifer was the best singer among the nine. Jennifer tells us her plan is to please herself and hopefully Elton John.
Ryan introduces Jennifer to sing "Circle of Life" standing to Simon. Simon starts pulling on Ryan's arm like he's trying to get Ryan to sit on his lap. Maybe Ryan was just using Matt to get Simon jealous. And perhaps it worked. Jennifer is standing at the microphone in a black suit with a shiny blue blouse. And metallic gold eye shadow. I always forget to mention that she generally has outrageous eye shadow on. Her hair is even shinier than her shirt, if that's at all possible. I just love how melodramatic Jennifer's singing is. I don't even care about the quality, really. She looks as though she's trying to do mime work in an acting class while she's singing. But anyway, besides that, the quality is indeed good. Lots of long held notes, and she doesn't fool around with too many of them. There's a little bit of vibrato, and a little melisma, but not too much. Definitely a powerful, but controlled, performance. My favorite part of the song is how they keep that sudden cut-off sound at the end, just like in Lion King.
Judges. Randy declares that it was the best performance of the night, and also the best performance by Jennifer. Paula says that this is who Jennifer is, meaning that these are the kinds of songs she should be singing. Simon says that for the first time, Jennifer proved that she belongs in the final twelve. Ryan comes out to give Jennifer's numbers. She wishes her sister a happy birthday. You mean Julia? Julia doesn't like birthdays. Julia doesn't like anything. We rush through a performance recap and a reminder to vote.
Wednesday. Dammit, another hour-long results show. My computer would pick this week to have problems. I don't have time for Melodramatic Announcer, who melodramatically tells us that these kids' lives are on the line. Keep up the good work!
Credits. Ryan greets us from the stage in another boring outfit. I guess the days of making fun of Ryan's clothes are over, dammit. He finally has enough money to buy some style. He tells us all that, thanks to the padding, they can mess around with the results to further screw with the undeveloped minds of a bunch of young adults. They're going to separate the nine finalists into groups of three, and then dramatically reveal which group contains the bottom three performers. And then somebody will be cut from that. It's really no more dramatic, if you think about it. Either you're pulled from the Sofas of Relief or not, or your group is pulled from the stage or not. It's no different. He says one group will have the highest number of votes, and the second will have the second-highest number of votes. For those unfamiliar with the process of elimination, that means the third group has the lowest number of votes. Ryan tells us that twenty-four million votes were cast this time. He tells us that Tamyra Gray will be performing on the show tonight. Then he introduces the judges again. Paula is wearing a shiny pink blouse. I'm not liking these shiny, metallic fabrics coming into style. Hell, I don't like style anyway. Don't listen to me. Randy cheers himself, as usual.
Ryan heads over to the Sofas of Relief to reintroduce the kids and send us to a clip review of last night. Jennifer, George, and Fantasia got praise. Except from Simon. Jon sucked. Randy was repetitive. Paula was incoherent. Camile was terrible. Ryan's narration insists that Simon didn't hear what the audience heard during LaToya's performance. How the hell would he know? Did LaToya end up in the bottom three or not last week? Then he claims that Simon "turned" on the audience when he told them to shut up so he could praise George. Did they hire one of FOX's news writers to punch up this narration script? It has a weaker grasp of reality than Paula.
Back on the stage, Ryan asks dumb questions where he tries to get the kids to say mean things about Simon. Ryan asks Jon what he thinks of the judges and then supplies that they "seemed a little awkward." God, why not just put words directly in his mouth? "Jon, what did you think of the judges last night, because you seemed as though you wanted to kill them in their sleep and rape their corpses." Jon stumbles for a few seconds, because he hasn't a fucking clue what Ryan is actually asking, because Ryan sucks, and says that he has no words, before lamely concluding, "I guess they weren't 'up' last night." I almost feel bad for Jon, because he's being so baited here, but I have to listen to him sing, so no. What does Fantasia think about Simon's comments? Fantasia is still wearing tapeworm earrings, along with a purple shirt and matching eye shadow. She jokes about how Simon was sleepy and mean to her, but adds that "you win some, you lose some." She points out that Randy and Paula liked her. They like everything. Camile gives a birthday shout-out to her dad in Japan. LaToya, would you sing at Simon's wedding? She says she would. She thinks singing at weddings is a wonderful thing to do, and she doesn't take such a comment as criticism. John, do you feel like you're giving it your all onstage? God, shut up, you stupid, stupid little monkey man. Yes, John gave it his all. Yes, he's happy with his performance. He locked himself in the bathroom last night and turned all the faucets on full blast, not to drown out his choking sobs, but because he just likes to be really, really clean. Jasmine and Diana both had a touch of laryngitis and tonsillitis. They got it from making out with each other! No, they didn't, at least as far as we know, but wouldn't that make them both remotely interesting? Diana's got Charlie's Angels hair tonight. Very Farrah Fawcett, which seems appropriate somehow with the blank smiles.
Ryan lets us all know that, once again, they're going to spit out a poorly produced album of bad covers to milk some money out of the contestants now, just in case somebody awful wins. This season's theme is "greatest soul classics." And yet, they still allowed Matt and Leah to be on the album. Some talking head from 19 Entertainment explains the album to us, but I don't have time. Then Gladys Knight makes an appearance, and I'll make time for her. She explains how soul music was derived a bit from church music. The passion comes from the singer's soul or spirit. Well, that explains…very little. I suppose that separates it from modern pop, which comes from the singer's penis or boobies. Or a committee of hack writers. Whichever. We see shots of the kids recording their songs. They were asked to define what soul music means to them. Fantasia reminds us about growing up in the church. Jon tells us that soul music isn't something you can describe. If you've got it, you've got it. If you don't, you don't. Yeah, let's take a closer look at that "don't" part, Jon. We have to listen to him butcher "My Girl" for a few seconds. Diana gives some idiotic pageant non-answer about them all letting us hear their unique voices. Shut up, Diana. George croons out "Me and Mrs. Jones" and sounds great. Jasmine points out all the magic that happens at the giant sound board, hoping perhaps they've got a slider that will add some personality to her singing. Matt shows up to tell us that it's so cool that now he gets to be one of the people on the album. Yes, thanks for your contribution and insight into soul music, you self-absorbed twit. One sentence, and I hate him as much as I did when he was still on the show.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces us to Julia DeMato in the audience. She has a new single coming out, called "Let It Rain." You can check it out at www…………….com. Sorry, they edited out the address on the West Coast here. You don't provide the truck full of money? They don't provide the free advertising. Julia still has really large breasts, if you care about such things. Although if you're looking for huge breasts on the internet, you must be really, really new to the Web if you ended up here instead.
Another medley of horror! Yay! The girls start off with a bland rendition of "Bennie and the Jets." Each of them gets a solo except for Camile and Jasmine. The "dancing" is just a bunch of arm-waving and shoulder-shimmying. Very dull. The three guys all come out with microphone stands to sing "Daniel." John does a very good job with "Daniel," which again makes me wonder if he tried to sabotage himself. It didn't work. week maybe he'll sing "Macarena." The girls come in for a chorus, and really, they do sound good when they're harmonizing. I'm shocked. Unless there are filling vocals in there somewhere. It's hard to tell. There's more really bad choreography to go along with "Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting." The girls dance in a circle around the guys. They all stand in a line and punch the air. I am shocked that they didn't run through the crowd during this song. It would be perfect for that crap. They end with what looks like would be the requisite Pointy Pose, but then they don't hold it. Oh, well.
More padding! More! America could stand to be a little fatter, right? The finalists all went to the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards to remind me exactly how far away I am from this show's target demographic. They all dress badly and run around like they do in these stupid skits. They took a giant SUV limo to the show. So very tacky. Wait, they let Cameron Diaz host an awards show for kids? That just doesn't seem right. They are introduced, I think, by Jennifer Love Hewitt and -- Tony Hawk? Is that right? I can't believe I know who these people are. They make the singers race up to the podium in order to give out the award, which goes to OutKast. They're kidding right? OutKast won an award from a kids' show? I'm guessing it's not for the video for "I Like The Way You Move." Afterward, the kids are loaded back into the SUV and forced back into their giant (allegedly vermin-filled) estate. Disappointingly, nobody got slimed.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan blathers on about the contest on their web site. I don't care! I don't have time! Shut up! up is a performance by Tamyra Gray, singing her own composition, "Raindrops Will Fall." Julia's song was about the rain, too. The weather takes a real downhill turn after your musical career gets stalled, I guess. The lights find Tamyra on stage in a slinky mauve, blue and yellow dress and Whitney Houston/Diana Ross/Diahann Carroll in Dynasty hair. And dangly earrings. It's a good look, but I still prefer her original hair. Her song is pretty good, but not all that exciting. It's a slow ballad about not giving up in bad times, and is vague, bland, and predictable, as is expected. Her voice is good, better than the last time I heard her, but this song is simply not interesting enough to make any impact on the music scene. But I still love her singing and hopes she does well.
After Tamyra's done, Ryan comes out and allows her to pimp her album, because her producers were able to pull together a truckload of money. She tells us she wrote twelve of the thirteen songs on her album, which comes out in June. I hope the others have more interesting lyrics. Ryan asks her why it's been so long before the album came out. Well, she did get dropped by her label, after they made a big deal of signing her in the first place, didn't she. Wisely, she doesn't mention that, talking instead about some of her acting gigs. She's going to be on an episode of Tru Calling on April 15, so let's all pray for her album to do well so she doesn't have to keep appearing on awful television dramas. Ryan asks what's more important: singing or acting. "Paying the rent," she responds. No. Actually, she says the two go "hand in hand" and singing is partly acting, because you're "performing" a song. Unless you're somebody like Diana or Jasmine and just blankly going through the motions.
Ryan brings Tamyra over for the requisite pre-planned questions from the kids. Jasmine asks her how she handled the pressure of being on the show. Tamyra says she didn't allow the criticisms to get to her. What criticisms? Seriously, I love her, but what criticisms did she even get to deal with? When she was sick (the week she was ejected), the judges were all over it to excuse the bad performances. She blathers on about transforming stress into anticipation and working it into her performance. Yeah, I don't get it. LaToya asks Tamyra if not ending up in the top three eventually worked to her advantage. Heh. Some folks on the forums have pointed out that this question is essentially, "Hi, I'm this season's version of you. Am I just going to get totally hosed and forgotten at the end of it all?" Tamyra responds that you don't have to win on this show to be a success; you just have to work afterward and take advantage of the opportunities presented to you. And, you know, keep your standards low. Fantasia asks how Tamyra dealt with criticism from Simon. She got criticized exactly once by Simon because of her performance of "New Attitude." Tamyra says she doesn't let it have an effect on her personally, and points out that millions of other people will be judging them as well, long after the show ends. And that's it for the fake questions.
Now it's time for the kids to pimp the [product-placed cars and trucks]. And this time, it's literal. We open the skit with Diana, George, and LaToya kitted out in crazy blaxploitation movie attire as "Love Machine" plays. George's afro looks like a clown wig. They walk down the street trying not to trip over their platforms, and find Jon, John, and Camile dressed up the way British mohawked punks might look if Disney had gotten a hold of them somehow and adapted them to be harmless scamps in a cartoon. Their car is broken down. Through the magic of bad editing, our pimp and his two bitches turn it into a [product-placed SUV]. Just what every disaffected British blue-collar teen dreams of. Then the pimp and his bitches stop by the basketball court, where all the other kids are playing three-on-three. They summon another [product-placed SUV] into the middle of the court. The kids all run into it. I assume they're demonstrating the dent-resistant paneling or something. They wipe their brows at all the effort of bad editing. They summon one last [product-placed car] just to show that [product-placed car company] has vehicles for those people who would rather not contribute to the eventual destruction of the earth. Well, not as much, anyway.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to stop the padding of unrelated crap and start the padding of the process of kicking somebody out of the contest. Ryan is going to read the judges' criticisms, and then shuffle the kids over to one of three groups. One group contains the bottom three. First up is Jasmine. Her flower tonight is pink and sparkly (mood: pink and sparkly). The judges thought she was blah. She's in Group A. Jennifer got high praise. She's in Group C. People sort of applaud vaguely, because nobody really knows how to react to these ambiguous announcements. They're even playing the tense music, but since we don't know what the shuffling really means yet, it's sort of wasted. Diana was blah. She's in Group A. John was wretched. He's in Group B. LaToya was praised by everybody but Simon. She's in Group C. Jennifer is ecstatic that LaToya's in the same group as her. I think she just figured out that she's safe this week. Jon was awful. He's in Group B. Camile was terrible. She's in Group A. Fantasia was praised by everybody except Simon. She's in Group B. That leaves George, who is obviously in Group C with LaToya and Jennifer. The audience cheers loudly, because now they know for sure that Group C is safe. Now the question is whether or not the voters preferred the crappy boys or the crappy girls. So, the pretty princesses are all in a row in Group A: Jasmine, Diana, and Camile. Interestingly, the polarizing trio are all together in Group B: Fantasia, Jon, and John. And that leaves George, LaToya, and Jennifer in Group C.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan wonders out loud which group got the most votes, and which got the fewest. Then he tells Group C that they're safe. Note that this doesn't necessarily mean that Group C got the most votes. Though we're sort of led to that unstated conclusion. They all head back to the Sofas of Relief. That leaves Groups A and B. Ryan doesn't milk this silly idea much longer and then tells Group B that they're safe, too. That means the pretty pink princesses, Camile, Diana, and Jasmine, are the bottom three. Cute boys who can't sing are better than cute girls who can't sing. The princesses all head to the Seal. What do the judges think? Ryan asks Randy if the people are voting based on performance over personality. Randy says they must be voting on personality, because he doesn't think these should be the bottom three based on performance. Paula agrees with Randy. Simon repeats his comments from last week that people just vote for whoever they like. Ryan presses Simon for an opinion of his own. Simon says it wouldn't be fair to single one person out, but that person "knows." Knows what, I have no idea. He could mean that one of the girls in the bottom three knows she should be going, in which case he's speaking of Camile. He could also mean that one of the kids on the Sofas of Relief knows he should be in the bottom three, in which case, he means John. And isn't he getting coy this season?
After the pointless commentary, Ryan reveals that Diana is safe for the week. She hugs the other two and heads back to the sofas. That leaves Jasmine and Camile. Ryan reminds us they're both from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ii.
Commercials. When we return, Paula Abdul has gone missing. I hope that happens more frequently. Maybe she wandered all the way into that alternate dimension she appears to be judging the show in. Since we've got more time to fill, both Camile and Jasmine sing their songs again. But first Ryan's going to ask more stupid questions. How do they feel? Jasmine says she had fun and felt good performing. If she goes, she'll still be happy. Camile says she's learned to be herself and to take criticism and channel it to be positive. Camile is then given the chance to remind us why she's about to get (spoiler!) voted off with another bad rendition of "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road." When she gets to the part where she's supposed to sing "This girl's too young to be singing the blue-oooh-ooohs" she changes it to "This girl's too young to be singing, 'I love youuuuu--oooo-oooh,'" and points to the kids on the sofas and to the audience. Meaning that she loves us all. I think we're supposed to ignore that part where she's too young to sing that to us. She also changes the owl line from earlier to reference Maui instead. So she's singing that she's going to go home and hunt toads. Jasmine repeats "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," and is as boring as she was last night.
Now that they're done, we don't have enough time for another commercial break. Yay! Camile is ejected. So we're back to a little sense after Amy's ejection. She and Jasmine hug. Camile cries. She thanks her family and friends in Maui. And the other contestants. She thanks every single person. She actually says that. Ryan asks Randy to give Camile some advice. He tells her to work hard to get better vocally. He tells her that if she can't work up in the industry after getting this sort of exposure, then she's not going to make it at all in music. Which is a lesson some folks on the show still have yet to learn. Paula suggests that Camile move to the West Coast and start working stuff out in the studio. I cringe, wondering how many other kids tried to do something like this and are now working as bartenders or on the streets. Oh, I didn't notice that Paula's lipstick matches her shirt exactly. Ick. Surprisingly, Simon is not polled for advice. In Camile's You're Not Dead Yet But We Treat You Like You Are Clip Show, she walks in slow motion on the beach and says she was glad to be here. She used to be a waitress. Now she sings. She worried and cried and prayed and cried a lot. It was overwhelming. She says she learned to believe in herself. She's grateful for the experience. "Mahalo," she concludes. That's Hawaiian for "Two princesses down; two to go."