Tonight, apparently, we are going "big time"; this means that we're watching these kids sing music from the movies, in the presence of Quentin Tarantino, also from the movies. I'm not sure what the point is, of having him here, since he doesn't sing and only knows about music from movies he's seen or whatever is most desperately interesting. I like the movies that he makes but I no longer care particularly for him, because not only did he lose his unique looks but he's managed to make of himself a caricature of himself, which was already a caricature. Which does my head in, but also makes him the opposite of Kevin Smith, a charming man whom I love deeply but whose career, creatively, seems to revolve around creating irritating characters and then making them do irritating things.
Ah, he was a guest judge on this show in Season Three. Which was before anybody thought to pay me to watch this show. And now look at us, you and I. And look at QT, who has some kind of seriously troubling haircut happening, and how he's sitting in the audience watching this go on, and I guess taking part in the mentoring somehow this week. Really? I feel like maybe they explained why this was a good idea five years ago, but I'll be damned if they've done it this year.
I mean, five years ago it makes sense, because the show was creaky and ghoulish and weird to the same degree and for the same reasons as QT's aesthetic, I mean, I get that. And having him here now is appropriately whorish. But isn't the whole point of the show now to be, like, relevant in some way? Not that QT isn't relevant (QT is not relevant), but just... This show used to be Blue Velvet and now it's Mulholland Drive, if you see what I'm saying. So if you carry the analogy forward, that means the guy who should be sitting here instead of QT is, um... Crispin Glover; basically it's a tie between Drew Barrymore and Crispin Glover. Which I think if you split the different is Cameron Diaz. So I guess Cameron Diaz is the new Quentin Tarantino, or vice versa, which are both sort of already obvious.
What the fuck am I talking about? I got so bored because of this show. [Don't worry... all you missed was them basically admitting they screwed up last week because they let the judges talk to much, so each contestant only gets comments from two judges, instead of all four. Except it took them like 20 minutes to say this... time that could have been spent judging. -- Angel] Okay, now QT is telling Allison that she's not at a "performance level," and fetches himself a chair so that she won't be so intimidated. Like she even knows who the fuck he is, or anybody is, or anything. And also, let me tell you that of all the famous people in the world that should make you nervous, which is like four people, QT should not make you nervous. He just wants to drink, and do whatever you tell him is cool in Austin no matter how trashy it actually is. If Allison right now strapped some rollerskates on her feet and slapped a bindi on her dumb little forehead, he would be crying into his hanky. Instead she's like, "WTF, Monsieur Botox is telling me how to sing now? Awesome." It's pointless for a little while, and then even more pointless, because she's singing "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing."
Which, not for nothing, but the only thing I hate more than this song is David Cook, and it's not at all contradictory for me simultaneously to state that I feel violently territorial about this song because of how even thinking of hearing David Cook sing this song makes me cry real tears of joy, while I love Allison's voice the mostest, there's no comparison. Especially when she's singing it so... sucky. Especially when she's singing it sucky at the bottom of her range wearing a bulky sack dress over what seems to be at least six pairs of pants. She looks like someone who has fled into the night wearing all their clothes at once, and is singing like she has a concussion. Maybe she's playing the role of a lacrosse player for some reason, I don't know, the point is that her voice was already lower than mine and now it's lower than your grandad's, which is not where her voice is supposed to be. Oh, Allison. You missed a thing.
Little Steven: still in the audience. Still dressed like a pirate. Still with the crazy eyes. Maybe now that Sopranos has been over for eleven years, and Bruce Springsteen has climbed right up his own rectum, this is all Little Steven's got going on. Maybe he lives here. I try to change my personality completely about every six months because of exhibits like Little Steven here, for whom it took maybe one coke-fueled night of self-confidence to decide that dressing like a mentally ill gay pirate was an admirable lifestyle choice, and now fifty-eight years later that's his main thing. Paula says some mess of whatever, Simon makes fun of her, and then tells Allison she's the only girl with a chance on the show, which is obviously true. He praises her confidence and congratulates her for doing so well with the song. Her hair seems bigger this week. Maybe I'm just noticing it because of David Cook's enormous babyhead and maybe hers is also that big and acts as some kind of booming echo chamber, but I didn't notice it until she sang that song.
What will Gokey sing? What's about dead wives? Paul says "My Girl," or "She's Like The Wind," but I say firstly that even Eric Carmen has at least three more testicles than Danny Gokey, plus also that song is in some ways about fucking, and secondly that it's going to be "Against All Odds," because technically, it is.
Anoop will be singing the Robin Hood song, which makes total sense and is going to be awesome, and the fact that QT doesn't belong here is immediately apparent when he's like, "I don't believe that Anoop is going to sing that song," as though it were possible for Anoop to sing any other song. Not only because the Judgery really would smack him down if he didn't sing all schmoopy-anoopy like that, but also because it's the only kind of singing he can do that doesn't make me want to punch him in the nards. QT gets really embarrassing thrusting his hands around and doing his whole Peter Pan Syndrome shtick for awhile, which I guess used to be cute, but like.... You had a favorite uncle when you were a kid, yes? Sort of impish and fun, maybe an alcoholic a little bit, maybe just not sure about his career. And when you're five that is awesome. But when you are at your graduation party and he's still jumping in the pool for attention, maybe you love him a little less. I submit to you that QT has not yet figured out what sort of uncle it is that America needs now.
Anyway, QT desperately tries to impress Anoop, the only person on earth dorkier than he is, and finally lets him go. And I think the reason his hair has gone all kind of Hitlery on him is because he's finally going bald -- which I could have sworn already happened sometime in the Kangol era -- and is still figuring out what works and what doesn't. Then Anoop sings the song sort of at the bottom of his range and it's not really that special, and does this total drama-queen move after holding a not-particularly-lovely note for a not-particularly-special amount of time, and drops the mic like it's just really tiring to hold that middling note for that middling amount of time, and then finishes up with some lame face, and I mean, where is the love? He sang the song he was supposed to sing, he did it the way he should, but it wasn't that special. Maybe I just wanted to hear the bridge and he never got there. Anyway, not that awesome. What a shame.
Kara says it was one of his best, praises his control, and also the changes he made to the song even though they were sort of more boring. Ryan asks who he was thinking about while he was singing the song, and Anoop's like, "Can't say!" and Ryan goes, "Is there somebody?" and he goes, "No." So... Awesome. Ryan just tried to play the aw shucks heterosexuality game with boring fucking Anoop, and accidentally forced him to admit that he has not yet discovered girls. Which, yes, they are on the same page, but it's not the hilarious pretend page that Ryan thought it was, which is sort of amazing. But I guess that works out, because as I understand it the Mythology of Barbecue can be really time-consuming. I mean, if you're a true scholar of it. Anybody can remember a few barbecue myths and barbecue fables and barbecue fairytales they learned as a child, but to really dive in there and make a difference, you have to be devoted. Your life, your love and your lady, et cetera. Meaty.
The pianist watches QT deal with Adam Lambert, and he's a total fan of course because there isn't a book long enough to contain all of Tarantino's weird sex stuff, whereas Adam's so okay with his that he makes it look easy. Not that stops QT from enjoying, as he says, a "taste" of Adam. Why are you here? Adam is singing "Born To Be Wild," a song that I wish were not so prevalent because the lyrics are really neat, like on paper it's one of my all-time top five favorites, but the song itself, actually listening to the song, it just gets on my nerves. Well, but then add some Adam to it, and you know... Whatever, hip thrust, crazy sounds and scary faces, time changes, giant light show, screaming, head banging, head banging whilst roger rabbiting which is harder than it looks if you've made the right choice to avoid actual skanking, ten-minute ovation. I wish that I didn't find that song so played, so I could have enjoyed that. Instead it just seemed like Barbie, like how Barbie goes to the beach and goes to be a nurse and gets in a rocket ship but really it's just Barbie all the time in different outfits. That was Adam doing all his Adam shit but not really giving you a reason for any of it.
Paula congratulates Adam on "daring to dance in the path of greatness" and reminds him that "fortune rewards the brave," nothing ventured is nothing blamed, a kitchen lime smells fine, whatever whatever. Simon loved the vocals, but thought the overall performance was Rocky Horror, which of course Adam doesn't even understand the problem with that, because he's theatre people, and tells him this week he won't rate as high as last week. Which is totally true. Simon says last week was way better, which technically it was, and but dude, how many awesome songs did he not do? You could get twice the votes singing "Origin Of Love," no matter how many people have never heard that song, because this is one of your weeks. And instead, all your weird shit at once.
up is Matt G, who's back in the vest and fob watch thing, and Ryan's begging him to pull it together. He has chosen a song that he loves, and is no closer to anybody else to figuring out why QT is here. Wow, it's that Don Juan DeMarco song, which sort of bums me out, and then also it bums me out that Matt was looking super hot during rehearsal, and then decided against that for the performance. When he wears the tux and deconstructed formal outfits he always looks about ten years old.
Good God, I hate this song. I don't understand it at all, it makes no sense. What are you talking about? Who are you talking to? The narrator is like, "Prove that you have loved a woman," and then tells the apostrophe all this bullshitty sexist stuff that he can do to prove it. To the guy who's talking. And the lady never actually shows up to have these million patronizing things done to her, so it's this weird homoerotic Boys Don't Cry feedback loop of performative gender that makes no sense, and yet is desperate to... achieve some end I don't understand. It's pretty or whatever, and Matt's voice is lovely as ever, but it's just lyrically so stupid and poorly written and gross, like... Oh, this especially, this "tell me have you ever really really ever ever really really ever loved a woman" is -- as a sentence -- radically unlovely, not to say desperate and creepy. What happens if I haven't? What will we talk about then? And along about the eightieth time the narrator of the song asks the question, wouldn't you start wondering, well, is this song not essentially the plot of the movie The Forty-Year-Old Virgin, and really you're just my friend's pockmarked cousin from Canada pretending you know what you're talking about?
Anyway, his voice sounds beautiful and he hits some rad notes, but I honestly can't tell if I'm just not feeling it because I hate the song. The Judgery questions his changing the song from "rock" (which: yeah?) to soul or whatever, and how he didn't hit every note and run the way you should if you're going to pull that shit. So I guess they didn't love it. To be honest I don't even remember it and that was like ten seconds ago, so I guess that's the point. Ah well. I'm not too impressed with anything tonight, and while I'm willing to believe it's not their fault, I think maybe everything actually does just sort of suck. Let's blame Quentin Tarantino.
Or Danny Gokey, who finds this whole process so very boring that he's constantly having to improve his art. He bought a guitar because he is just so full of awesome that it inspires him to do things like talk about how he's going to be on the tour this summer and play the guitar and whatever. Ryan giggles and points out the harp onstage, and I mean I just can't even stand him already, cuteness and voice aside, that the harp is just like the cherry on top. QT tells him to stick his hands in his pockets when he sings, because how helpful can one man be, I ask you.
"Endless Love." Which Paul would have thought of eventually, if we'd kept going, I'm sure. He does it in a very mannered fashion, the hands are not in the pockets of course, and the song itself is pure '80s drivel that has no place in this universe, which makes it perfect for Gokey. He hits a note that's not all that special, but yells it just enough that the audience knows they're supposed to cheer, so they do, and then he goes to the falsetto a little bit at the end. It's good to be good at things, you know, I really do enjoy excellence in whatever form it takes. But Danny being good at this crap is like, probably if the thing you are just Olympically good at is juggling or riding a unicycle, maybe we're not friends or maybe we are, but I don't want to see you doing that shit. I don't approve of the lifestyle, so the excellence falls by the wayside.
Paula enjoys nothing more than a juggler on a unicycle, because it defines you as unforgettable or whatever; once again he grabbed, wowed and slayed us at various places in the performance. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? Christina Applegate looks like she's going to barf. Simon bites at him for doing the harp and the whole unoriginal take on the song, which is singing the song just like whoever originally sang the song. He brings up how David Cook rocked out on "Hello" by being relevant and interesting, and the stark incomprehension in Gokey's eyes is pretty much gorgeous. Ryan stares into the camera talking about how wonderful Gokey is and demanding that we agree; I feel a certain pride in refusing nonetheless.
The whole concept of Quentin Tarantino being here, it keeps cropping up in my brain. I think I've made my peace with it and then all of a sudden I get confused and angry about it again. There was once something very charming and inviting about him, and I'm not sure where it went. Oh, you know what though? Google "Susan Boyle," who was on Britain's Got Talent over in the UK this week, because I've been watching it nonstop; there was a round of people sending it to me for the actual reason I've been watching it, which is sort of prurient and weird, and then there was a whole other round of internet memedom when people got excited about what it's actually about, which is how this weird old woman who lives with her cat sang this song really beautifully and made everybody cry, and was basically Clay Aiken in every way. But the reason you lovely people sent me this clip so many times is that at about 3:59 in the longer version, Simon Cowell does something so utterly adorable that it gives me vertigo. I've loved the guy for what, eight years at this point, longer even than Seacrest, and I am still amazed by how completely cute he can be when he forgets to gird himself against cuteness. Watch it, it's awesome, I can't stop watching it and rewinding that part over and over again like a total cyberstalker villain in one of those movies with Morgan Freeman and the Judd.
Kara calls Ryan "dawg" about a hundred times because he's sitting in Randy's chair, and the first time Ryan thinks she's doing something very different and does some weird riff on calling her "dahling," which comes off as one of those Anderson Cooper blips where he does something strange and cool and you can't believe it just happened, and then he rights his course. And then there's Kris singing "Falling Slowly," which is the first song you should have thought of, rest of the Idols, and more power to him.
What are good movie songs to sing? "The Blower's Daughter" and "Falling Slowly" are isomorphic in the same way that American Beauty is really just a lesser Ice Storm but essentially the same movie, so both of those should be in there. "Somewhere Out There" would be good, except for Clay, and we already said "Against All Odds," which nobody would recognize as a movie song. What else. "Jai Ho" would be funny if Danny sang it because of how he and that movie are exactly the same amount of cloying. I thought maybe I would sing "Full Moon" from Twilight, because if it's anything to do with Twilight people will throw money/votes at you, but also because it's actually a very good song, but then, not so much because of the singing. "Lovefool" clearly would be the fallback, and might actually be fun to do. "Goldfinger" I think maybe is dirty but I would have to check.
I wish the songs in Streets Of Fire didn't suck so bad because that's the first movie I think of for any list. "He Needs Me" from Popeye makes all boys cry, which is good, but you should always hold onto your keenest weapon just in case. "Everybody's Talkin'," maybe that would send the wrong message, but it sure is fun to sing. "Eye Of The Tiger," duh. "In Your Eyes," duh squared. "Don't You Forget About Me," obviously. "Crazy For You," you could have people jump roping, or... No, I got it. If I somehow had to choose this week, the obvious answer would be "Man In Motion." The lyrics, while weird, are not essentially all that different from "Born To Be Wild," but the song itself doesn't make me want to jump off a building, so it's perfect. Plus, that song makes people feel crazy and strong like "Eye Of The Tiger." You could sing the shit of that song, and everybody would go insane and start chewing on their arms and each other. Like, even if you weren't Adam, that song would drive everybody around the bend. I'm totally going to watch that movie as soon as I'm done with this, because it is pounding in my head now.
Anyway, the song is totally romantic and delightful, and Kris also is those things, and even QT is like, "How come all these bitches didn't even try except for him?" Then he says that Kris is playing with the casino's money, and gives him a big hug, and basically says that Kris can do no wrong. Even Quentin Tarantino finds a nut every now and then. Kris sings the song like he made it up on the spot while fixing a vacuum cleaner. I guess I should admit outright that this song does a very strange thing to me, and that I think it is the most perfect song in the history of all music, and that I could be right or wrong when I say that Kris is doing awesome right now. He sings the beginning down in a place of his voice we don't really see very often, which is, either on purpose or just because, rough to the same degree as Glen Hansard's, but the rest is straight Kris. I would totally buy this on iTunes, it's one of those. How amazing, and just when he needed to pull it together too.
The judges... Hang on, I have to listen to that again first. Nice. It's all emotional and shit. Like, the beginning of the song is very timid and his voice is very cracky and aching, and then when he starts telling you how it is, his voice gets stronger, and then when the song gets intense, he totally jumps in there with both fists and harmonizes with the lady singer really beautifully, not just on pitch but the actual tone of his voice is very flexible. Plus, you know, his face. And then it goes to a sort of singer-songwriter place where he ends it, not in the tonic place where his voice started but where the actual melody started, because he came in halfway through the first bar, which wraps the whole thing up in a lovely little bow that there's probably a word for that I don't know, because I don't know anything about anything or the words for things. Music is like pornography: I don't have any definitions for you, I just know what I like.
I cannot imagine what Lil could have done to get herself headlining this week, after that. I don't even know how many of them are left, but I do know that of however many we've just discussed, that was the only one I liked even a little bit. So probably she's going to come in riding a unicorn. I hope I like whatever it is, because I like Lil. I just wish she'd give me more reasons to like her than her dependability. QT loves her, loves her singing "The Rose" of course... With a gospel flair. That's going to be pretty awesome. He tells her to hit both sides of the song, the regular straight part and then the switch, which is good advice. This is a perfect song to sing this week, and perfect for her.
She looks very tall, which she is not; I think it's the weave and her cigarette pants. She looks like a totally different lady every week, I do like that. She has also, quite clearly, taken the Judgery's constant advice to sing more like Mary J Blige all the time, and to sing less like Mary J Blige all the time, miraculously to heart. She manages to do both at once in a way that is both fetching and fresh. I did not see her going there, but I love it. She managed to follow their advices, a thing I didn't think was possible. That's cool. And she sings it, and it's quite lovely, and I guess the most exciting part is how it feels over way too soon. That's a first. And yeah, she did earn the final position.
Paula loves the lyrics of the song, which are lovely, and then does a little weirdness riff that pisses Simon off that I won't transcribe, and he tells her she's getting it wrong because it was too soft and too middle-of-the-road. There were nice moments, but she's not the artist he feels they met weeks ago. She responds... I don't know what she says, because we're into Fringe again. Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique of some kind. When we're back, she says that she felt creative about it because she took a Bette Midler song into R&B territory, and did it in a beautiful and compelling way, so I am with Lil and against Simon for the first time ever.
Allison did a rockin' version of the asteroid animal crackers song, Anoop proved he's the Scott Savol and has no reason to be here beyond his ability to pretend to sing, Adam was disappointing but continued to excel at being Adam, Matt G got lost in the shuffle once again with a proficiently boring performance, Danny's wife died some more, Kris blew the roof off the place perfectly for the first time, and Lil gave her best performance yet. So where does that leave us? Adam's fine, and you can't say he was phoning it in so much as having chosen a song that phones it in for you; Danny's not going anywhere; Lil and Kris just bought their way back in. Allison and Matt did the same thing they always do, which is dangerous, and while I'm tempted to say Anoop finally pushed his luck too far, I also think he's pinpointed what he needs to do to stay. Frankly, I'm stumped because I enjoyed few enough of tonight's performances that I'm thinking it's me that is having the off night, so I'm not committed to predicting it this time. However, in terms of technique the pack has left Anoop behind yet again, so maybe it's his turn. We'll find out tonight, along with performances by some past Idol and I think Miley Cyrus, which is too bad.
On the playlist this week, besides "Man In Motion" obviously: Phoenix, still, the vastly preferable newer stuff from Dirty Projectors, new acquisitions Streetlab that I know absolutely nothing about beyond an acceptable Hall & Oates remix; "Listen To The Math," obsessively, by our old friends Tokyo Police Club; and the latest from Lily Allen and Bat For Lashes, who has managed to outdo herself.