By M. Giant
In dreams, the impossible is commonplace. You can fly, you're back in elementary school, you have a famous best friend. In my case, I dreamed last night that I was somehow in the final four of American Idol, which may be the most unlikely thing my subconscious has ever blurped up for my overnight entertainment. But then Hollie is still in it, so there's that.
No overedited pre-credits sequence tonight -- just Ryan on a misty stage, his hair reaching mightily to eclipse the neon AI logo behind him as he reminds us of the last two weeks of shocking results, and how it means our favorites are at risk. Then the top six move in to flank him as he intones, "This... is the least intimidating street gang imaginable." Or at least that's what he says in my head.
The judges enter from the aisles tonight, probably because Jennifer didn't want the audience to get a good look at her gold lame pantsuit. Steven Van Zandt is there in the audience with Jimmy Iovine for some reason. Ryan doesn't enter at all -- he's standing there at the judges' table when the announcer introduces them, hugging and greeting them like he's hosting an open house instead of a TV show. He's dressed like the Mentalist again with a three-piece suit and no tie as he claims that everyone is still shocked about Colton's ouster last week. I was, but I got over it. Then he makes an obligatory pun about the finalists being music royalty, by way of segueing into a Randy-narrated segment about Queen. There's a montage of past finalists like Chris Daughtry, Kellie Picker and Adam Lambert performing with the band's surviving members in a season before we get a look at some other guy with a mustache who used to sing with them. Yes, Freddie Mercury died in 1991, long before any of this nonsense had a chance to horrify him, but his bandmates have been wringing his corpse dry for the decades since. In fact, guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor (not the one from Duran Duran, I assume) crowded into a studio lobby for a sit-down. They basically give the top six some vague, touchy-feely encouragement and adjourn. Brian keeps claiming that Queen songs are very personal and that Freddie was really very shy. That'll be helpful to know.
Back in the studio, it becomes apparent why the stage was off-limits for the early part of the show: Roger Taylor and Brian May have taken it over to back up the finalists for the opening number. One can't help noticing that the bass drum head still says "QUEEN," even though it looks like it's been replaced in the past 21 years. Before getting started with the actual competition, the finalists do a Queen medley: all six of them harmonizing (quite well, actually) on "Fat Bottomed Girls," then passing around "Another One Bites the Dust" like a hot potato and smash-cutting to "We Will Rock You Slash We Are the Champions." Everything's all hacked up to fit the time window, of course, except Brian May's guitar solo (also of course). Nice ending, and they get a standing ovation from all four people at the judges' table (counting Ryan), but we know you're not all going to be champions, top six.
By M. Giant
Coming back, Ryan tells us that each finalist will be singing a song of their own choice as well as a Queen tune tonight, but Jessica will be starting with "Bohemian Rhapsody." Seriously? I was only kidding about that last week! Anyway, Jessica does something amazing by performing in black-and-white, and with video projections of herself in the background in the same configuration as the members of Queen in the original video. While we're still taking in this jaw-dropping spectacle, we shift to color, in conjunction with an even more jarring transition from the first verse directly to the rocking-out part at the end of the song. At this point, Queen has been replaced by the house band, which is a little disappointing and yet at the same time somehow not. After she's done, Steven tells Jessica that rock isn't her forte, but he loves her voice. Jennifer was expecting some more running around than she got, especially with the high-tops Jessica has on. Randy, wearing a lapel pin that redundantly reads "YO," points out Jessica's restraint in not doing any runs, and advises her to check out some Tina Turner videos for performance tips. Ryan gives the voting instructions for Jessica, including the news that each contestant will get two phone numbers we can call to vote for them. If one or more of them only gets one phone number, we'll know this thing is fixed.
Ryan plugs the Jason Derulo songwriting thing again, and shifts into an onstage interview with Skylar about her own songwriting, which is obscured with an onscreen logo flogging the Coke-sponsored Jason Derulo thing, so we know what's really important here. Ryan sends her off to sing "The Show Must Go On," which he describes as one of Queen's "most emotional anthems." That's like the third time he's used the word "anthem" tonight. Did Queen never record "songs?" Anyway, I don't know this one, but it doesn't fit Skylar at all. I don't yet know who ended up with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," but whoever it was, she could have and should have knocked him or her down for it. Steven compliments her energy and passion for an eighteen-year-old girl. Speaking of eighteen-year-old girls, Jennifer talks about getting "goosies" again and says it was powerful. Randy says, "Yo," and describes it as incredible and effortless, and says, "Yo," again, and also, "She's gotta have it." Always the thoughtful criticisms from Randy. Ryan asks Randy if Skylar has a shot at the finale, and Randy catchphrases an answer in the affirmative.
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Coming back, Ryan's sitting behind the piano for some reason to introduce Joshua singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Yeah, if Skylar had forcibly taken this song from Josh she would have been doing them both a favor. Because instead of that laid-back rockabilly vibe the song calls for, Joshua screams the whole goddamn thing. Not good. Not good at all. Yet he gets a standing O from Randy, Steven and finally Jennifer. Randy says everything was "four checks" and mentions Sam Cooke and Little Steven in the audience as though Joshua's old enough to remember either one of them (and as though the latter personage is remotely little any more). Jennifer says Joshua's always her favorite part of the show, and Steven says he sounds like nobody else. Ryan points out a large security guard in the audience who has captured Nigel Lythgoe in his orbit who was bopping his head along for once. So I'm the only one who didn't like that? Perhaps I've just been struck deaf. Or they have.
We go right to Elise singing "I Want It All." It's not exactly the rock-song triumph she pulled off with Led Zeppelin lo these many weeks ago, but it's solid. Steven says it was the perfect song for her, Jennifer agrees that she was in her element and Randy talks about all the performances tonight and says the I IV V structure was a good fit for her. So technical all of a sudden! Elise explains to Ryan that she's figured out that rock is her thing, so that's what she's going to do. And then she self-destructively shakes her tambourine over Ryan's reading of her voting instructions.
Back from the ads, Ryan introduces Phillip, who is singing "Fat Bottomed Girls," which we've already heard once tonight. Except Phil does it his usual way, posing like someone just dropped ice down the back of his shirt and doing all these slow, bluesy upward vocal bends into the long notes that never seem to get all the way up to the correct pitch. He's a flat-noted boy tonight. Afterward, Steven makes some jokes about the song and looks at Jennifer, because, you know. Steven also claims to like watching Phillip run out of breath, and says it's a great choice of song. Jennifer says Phillip always gives them something different... like how this week, he didn't remind her of Dave Matthews like he normally does. Randy isn't "jumping up and down," just saying it was good. But Ryan points out that in the zillions of these shows he'd hosted, he's never actually seen Randy jump up and down. Randy promptly demonstrates why that is.
Hollie's wrapping up the Queen round with "Save Me," all tarted up in some Orange County mom's pantsuit and singing with a bit of a Skylar twang. Well, she's tried everything else. After she's done, Randy chants "What you thinking?" at Steven, who says he enjoyed it. Randy defers to Jennifer, who seems to have noticed some actual emotional engagement in Hollie's performance, at which point she started going off technically. That girl can't win for losing. Jennifer talks at length about how she tries to enjoy performing and Hollie needs to try doing that more. Randy says Hollie can take more chances to try to get "that moment," but this didn't have it.
And that's it for the Queen round, which is good because Roger and Brian are probably on the plane already. Ryan asks Jennifer who is winning tonight so far, and she immediately says, "Skylar." Randy thinks Hollie needs to step it up, but that Phil and Elise were also good along with Skylar. Ryan asks Steven if he was worried about the contestants before they started singing, like Steven Tyler can remember that far back. He compares them to "vocal gymnasts" and says they did well with simple melodies. Oh, and also, he liked Skylar. Ryan says we'll be back with Skylar and Jessica, one of whom will do country and the other R&B. "You guess which one." Hey, is that racist?
After a quick backstage clip of Hollie acknowledging that she needs to step it up starting RTFN, Ryan comes back with an interview with Jessica, who is singing "Dance with my Father." As it happens, Jessica's own dad has been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, and is soon off to Singapore. Sounds like the latter will be safer, at least. Before she gets to sing, though, we'll apparently be getting intro reels on each of the top six, made up of interviews with the other finalists. "We're all messed up because Jessica got saved," Phil deadpans. "Thanks a lot, Jessica... for ruining our lives." Skylar and Joshua talk about how she's so little with such a huge voice, and about how she's the only one still left in school. The others speculate that she's the subject of government experiments or an alien, but Jessica shows us a little "me party" she's throwing in the American Idol classroom. "Keep hatin'," she invites. Will do.
When Jessica sings the song, she does a better job than Jermaine Jones did, back in the mists of time when Steven was young. It's actually quite beautiful and restrained, and Jennifer says that was one of the best versions she's ever heard on the show. Steven says he doesn't think she can sing badly. Sounds like a dare for week! Randy says, "Yo," and talks in general terms about how amazing everyone is, Jessica in particular. "You know what's wrong with it? Absolutely nothin'!" Ryan talks to her about how her father will be there tomorrow and gives us her voting instructions, reminding us all that we don't have to call both numbers. God forbid there be any confusion.
By M. Giant
After a quick backstage clip of Hollie acknowledging that she needs to step it up starting RTFN, Ryan comes back with an interview with Jessica, who is singing "Dance with my Father." As it happens, Jessica's own dad has been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, and is soon off to Singapore. Sounds like the latter will be safer, at least. Before she gets to sing, though, we'll apparently be getting intro reels on each of the top six, made up of interviews with the other finalists. "We're all messed up because Jessica got saved," Phil deadpans. "Thanks a lot, Jessica... for ruining our lives." Skylar and Joshua talk about how she's so little with such a huge voice, and about how she's the only one still left in school. The others speculate that she's the subject of government experiments or an alien, but Jessica shows us a little "me party" she's throwing in the American Idol classroom. "Keep hatin'," she invites. Will do.
When Jessica sings the song, she does a better job than Jermaine Jones did, back in the mists of time when Steven was young. It's actually quite beautiful and restrained, and Jennifer says that was one of the best versions she's ever heard on the show. Steven says he doesn't think she can sing badly. Sounds like a dare for week! Randy says, "Yo," and talks in general terms about how amazing everyone is, Jessica in particular. "You know what's wrong with it? Absolutely nothin'!" Ryan talks to her about how her father will be there tomorrow and gives us her voting instructions, reminding us all that we don't have to call both numbers. God forbid there be any confusion.
The other finalists talk about how energetic and tough Skylar is, and Hollie malaprops that she has thick bones. Then there's a whole exchange via the interviewers where Skylar accuses Hollie of calling her fat, and Hollie naively assumes the editors will fix it so it sounds like she said "thick-skinned" in the first place, like she meant to. Oh, Hollie. Welcome to Hollywood. Once she's onstage, Skylar's back in full twang mode, with a pedal steel player to her and her grampaw's guitar slung on her shoulder and everything. She's singing "Tattoos on this Town" by Jason Aldean (okay, I had to look it up), meaning she's back so deep in her country wheelhouse the guitar might as well be an axle. Randy pretends like he invented the word "ginormous" in describing what kind of fan he is of hers. Jennifer talks about how comfortable she is up there, but Steven says he "kind of missed the flair." So go to TGI Friday's after the show, then. Ryan asks Skylar to show off her tattoo, which is a feather on her wrist symbolizing how light her problems are because God holds them. Maybe she and Colton are dating after all? Speaking of light as a feather.
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By M. Giant
Everyone talks about how loud and crazy Joshua is, not just onstage, but all the damn time. That doesn't sound exhausting at all. But he makes up for it by being a rotten housekeeper, apparently. Joshua sings some slow ballad I don't know, getting almost halfway through it before cranking up the volume, then finishing it up with a run of notes and dialing it back under control. The judges give him a standing ovation, and even that isn't enough for Steven, who waves the audience into more of a frenzy. Randy says he doesn't even know what to say, but says Season 11 is where everybody should learn how to sing. I'm glad I have no intention of learning how to sing. Jennifer is also lost for words until she stumbles on a metaphor about how Josh snaps us into reality. Steven talks about going off into another place, and promises that Joshua is off to the moon. I guess they'll meet up there. Ryan then promises some Jimi Hendrix and Dave Matthews from Elise and Phillip coming up, but doesn't make us guess who will sing which this time.
After the ads, Skylar tweaks Joshua backstage about the 12 standing ovations he's apparently earned to date. Of course they keep track of these things. Then we go into Elise's intro reel, in which we learn that she laughs after everything she says. Ugh, I just stopped pulling for her. The other finalists also get in some digs about how Elise points at notes while she's singing. Wow, they kind of hate her, don't they?
Elise sings "Bold as Love," a more obscure but still unmistakable Hendrix tune that ends up turning into more of a poetry slam than an actual musical performance. Oh, and she points at her notes throughout. Steven compares her to Janis Joplin, and advises her to pick songs people know. "You can't pick your cherries with your back to the tree," he adds, like that makes it clearer. Jennifer gets Steven's point, but doesn't care. Randy says it wasn't the right song for this time in the competition, and she kind of attacked it. Jennifer disagrees with him, as does the audience, apparently. Ryan comes out and tries to stir that up some more before introducing Elise's guitarist Wallace, who I'm guessing is from her band back home. Wallace is a giant dork, for what that's worth.
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He then makes Hollie talk some more, which he really needs to stop doing, and runs the recap of tonight's performances. Tonight, for some reason, I find myself wondering how they get the last performance of the night cut into this montage so quickly, but given how long it is, the question kind of answers itself. After that, Ryan is at the judges' table, asking them how crucial the vote is at this stage. Like they're going to shrug and say, "Ain't no thang." Jennifer says she's still surprised at Colton's exit, and adds that this is why she was worried about Phillip tonight. Steven gives the top six credit for doing what they wanted, and Randy directly tells the public to vote for their favorites, adding that we can vote for all of them. Why yes, I believe I will cancel myself out, thank you for the suggestion, Mr. Jackson! Ryan asks Randy who he's most worried about, but he doesn't have an answer and neither does Jennifer, since they say everyone had at least one good performance. Ryan's last question is to Steven, asking who he was most impressed with (Skylar), and finally the phones are opened and the credits rolled. Ryan seems very excited about the approaching finale, and I have to admit that I kind of am too. But for different reasons than he is, I suspect.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
By M. Giant
He then makes Hollie talk some more, which he really needs to stop doing, and runs the recap of tonight's performances. Tonight, for some reason, I find myself wondering how they get the last performance of the night cut into this montage so quickly, but given how long it is, the question kind of answers itself. After that, Ryan is at the judges' table, asking them how crucial the vote is at this stage. Like they're going to shrug and say, "Ain't no thang." Jennifer says she's still surprised at Colton's exit, and adds that this is why she was worried about Phillip tonight. Steven gives the top six credit for doing what they wanted, and Randy directly tells the public to vote for their favorites, adding that we can vote for all of them. Why yes, I believe I will cancel myself out, thank you for the suggestion, Mr. Jackson! Ryan asks Randy who he's most worried about, but he doesn't have an answer and neither does Jennifer, since they say everyone had at least one good performance. Ryan's last question is to Steven, asking who he was most impressed with (Skylar), and finally the phones are opened and the credits rolled. Ryan seems very excited about the approaching finale, and I have to admit that I kind of am too. But for different reasons than he is, I suspect.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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