By M. Giant
Before the credits, we get a replay of Burnell's emotional (especially for the judges) exit and his farewells to the other contestants. Presumably this is all to warn us what happens if we fail to vote. Well, I never vote and something like this always seems to happen every week anyway.
The judges enter, and someone in the control booth is so jazzed about finding Sir Anthony Hopkins in the audience that they miss their cue for Ryan's entrance, zooming out while he's checking his mark instead of zooming in while he's grinning at the camera. Looks like Jimmy Iovine might get to fire someone after all. We're reintroduced to the top six by their first names, and Ryan dismisses them from the stage to let us know that there are two rounds tonight: songs from Burt Bacharach and Hal Davis, and songs the contestants wish they had written. We're starting to run out of new information to share about the contestants, so we're going with things not many people know about them. We start by learning that Angie and her best friend have a habit of making embarrassing videos of themselves set to hardcore music and posting them on YouTube. Angie claims to be glad those videos don't have such a big following, which is not something you tell a viewing audience of thousands. Her Burt Bacharach song is "Anyone Who Had a Heart," and she sounds okay despite looking like Hannah Montana. Keith loves her voice, but advises her not to rely on it alone -- basically the opposite of what everyone always told Paul Jolley. Basically he wants more passion and wants her to stop making it look so easy. Nicki agrees that she seems to be coasting, as does Randy, who advises her to perform the song like she wrote it, which is how Randy performs most of his catchphrases, so he knows whereof he speaks. Mariah makes it all about herself as a warm-up to the hard truth that Angie... sometimes over-enunciates, which makes her performances seem passionless. You could tell it cost Mariah a lot to have to shit in Angie's face like that.
We come back with Ryan brandishing a trophy from the National Association of Broadcaster's Hall of Fame, which he assures us is a big deal before he hands it off to a random audience member. Amber's about-to-be-formerly-little-known fact about herself? She sometimes eats frozen cooked shrimp right out of the bag. That's a girl who's into instant gratification. She comes out to disco up "I Say a Little Prayer for You" complete with a strapless denim pantsuit. Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe they're just a pair of jeans that are so high-waisted they go halfway up her ribcage. Anyway, her performances is pretty smooth but soulful, as she finds a way to throw in some big note runs wherever she can. Nicki is amazed at what she just saw, and gushes inarticulately until she manages to conclude that Amber just became her favorite. She also says something about being able to focus more in the absence of one's boyfriend, and Randy reacts to that remark like a kindergartner who just heard his teacher say "booger." Utterly unmanned by Nicki's nimble wit, he manages to string together some of his catchphrases, mentions some of the technical stuff, and says she's arrived. Mariah liked how Amber decided to be Amber as opposed to all those, you know, "beyond divas" (read: mini-Mariahs) out there. Keith also likes how she never overperforms, even though she totally could. So it's a good night for Amber so far. Maybe she'll go backstage and celebrate with a few shrimp-sicles.
After the ads, Ryan exchanges a few words with Sir Tony in the audience before moving on to "the only dude left in the competition." And probably not even that for long Lazaro confesses that he likes to go four-wheeling and hunting, and self-identifies as a "Spanish redneck" so the editors can have a little cover to photoshop a sombrero and a missing tooth onto a freeze-frame of him. For his Bacharach song, he's wearing a suit made out of his mom's wallpaper to weakly warble "Close to You," going in and out of tune as the mood strikes him and just generally stinking the place up. The judges sit amazed and embarrassed for him once it comes to an end. Randy says he's speechless and as much as he likes Lazaro as a person, this was so horrible he couldn't have made it to Hollywood with what Randy says is his worst performance of the show. Mariah admits that she's started to get some pressure from on high to give some actual criticism, and says Lazaro has to follow things like, uh, key changes. Lazaro gapes at her in obvious confusion as she continues to flounder, going on that a quiet song can be harder. She goes on at some meaningless length until she finally surfaces, looking like she just got up from a dentist's chair. Keith says Lazaro has lots of fans, but he should pick a better key or at least follow the second one. Nicki waves her watch around and gives up her turn, because Mariah already ate up seven figures in ad buys not saying anything.
Kree points out her brother in the audience, who got the day off work at the pipeline to come to his first Idol taping. Kree's little-known fact is that she loves rodeos. Just like, she claims, everyone else from her area of Texas. Not exactly putting herself out there, is she? Her version of "What the World Needs Now" starts off a capella and yet somehow in the right key, Lazaro. As the whole orchestra builds up, Kree keeps it sounding great without ever getting remotely showy. Mariah loved the arrangement, which she could tell was mostly Kree and likes how Kree isn't trying to create an emotional response and just being herself. That would explain why Kree's eyes are usually pretty blank when she sings. Keith talks about how he can feel Kree's warmth that last week's intro reel revealed, and adds that she should bring her brother every week. Nicki says Kree's voice is sweet but "hella cocky" and fully expects her to be singing at the Country Music Awards year. All Randy has to say is that she blew away the person who came before her, which is Randy's version of being discreet and that this is actual singing. Mariah actually has to turn away from the camera to hide her reaction to that.
Janelle tells us that most people don't know she played a boy in an eighth-grade play, and then starts "Never Fall in Love Again" among the fans in the orchestra pit. She continues cheesing it up all the way to the stage and to the judges' table and back. Yes, it's a cheesy song, and Janelle embraces the cheese so much she might as well dip her arms in a fondue pot. I could have done without that performance is what I'm saying. Keith likes how she always shows a different side (yes, and this was the cheesy side), but Nicki says this particular performance was really boring. Randy didn't love it either -- except the high falsetto bits -- and advises her to show off more no matter what, as much as a travesty that might turn it into. Not that he uses so many words. Mariah: "Blah blah blah blah." She's really digging deep tonight.
We learn that back home on her island off the Carolinas, Candice also speaks an alternate dialect called "Geechee." We see a few clips of her using this Jamaican-sounding, word-starved, consonant-free mode of expression on her confused fellow contestants, and then we go right into her performance of "Don't Make Me Over" even though she has clearly been made over this evening. Her voice serves the song well and she sings it like she means it. And well enough that it's good even before she it's the big high notes, which she inevitably does, wrapping up with one that gets Keith, Nicki and Randy on their feet, while Mariah just sort of kicks hers off to the side. It's like a standing ovation by a mermaid. Nicki says it sounded like a new R&B song, which she means as a compliment. Randy's "in it to win it" comment gets promoted to an onscreen hashtag this time, and he likes how she saved up the goodies for later. So did Mariah, who loved it. Keith says she set the bar so high that she just landed herself in his top three. Congratulations on being in the better half, Candice.
Does anyone find it unusual that Burt Bacharach didn't mentor or even show up for his own theme night? And no, I checked and he's not dead. Anyway, on to round two. The song Angie wishes she'd written is "Love Came Down" by Kari Jobe. Who Angie is probably already more famous than, but that's not the point; Angie's all about the message of the song. She performs it back at the piano -- a big white one in a sea of stage fog. I think she may have taken to heart the idea that she might be this year's Colton Dixon, because it sounds like one of his God songs, plus there are all these doves on the screens behind her. She clearly feels this song a lot more than her first one of the night, though, and she ends up getting a standing O from Keith and Randy. The latter of whom says this is really who Angie is. Mariah says she never loses at the piano. Keith says something about how it's going to go "when" Angie is on tour and gives a shout-out to the production design, because he really dug those doves. Nicki says this is what people love about Angie and she needs to quit running away from it because it's the only way she's going to win. Ryan comes out and makes her sit back down at the piano for the voting instructions, even. Probably doing her a big favor there.
Ryan comes back with Amber and refuses to let drop an earlier comment Nicki made about Amber's boyfriend not being around, playing a clip from last week where Burnell planted a kiss on her cheek during his last performance. I wasn't even going to mention this juvenile crap, but Ryan makes it impossible to ignore his most embarrassing moments. Anyway, she's singing "Love on Top" by Beyoncé tonight, strutting around in heels and cutoffs and sounding a little shouty except when she's nailing the really high notes. Which, fortunately, are pretty plentiful there at the end. Mariah says it was fun, though not her favorite Amber vocal because she's always so good. Keith loved the song choice, and Nicki calls out Beyoncé and says Amber has arrived. Randy yells his new hashtag (which, there it is, back on the screen) and after Amber's voting instructions, we go right to Lazaro's intro reel. He's doing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, which he likes for the words about love, here in this strange city away from his loved ones. I guess it makes sense that since Lazaro is so unfamiliar with American pop music, he picked a song not terribly familiar to American pop music fans. He's dressed more like an ice cream man in a white jacket and silver bowtie as he does a much better job with this song than the one. He also skips the usual dramatic pose at the end this time, though the flop-sweat is back. I'm watching this in HD and I keep wanting to wipe the screen. Keith says he liked the song choice, and remembers that Lazaro's tone is what they liked about him. But he also says that the girls are showing the difference between being in a talent contest and pursuing a career as an artist, which I guess is his way of saying Lazaro is more the former. Nicki: "Uh, yeah. What he said." Randy says it was "slightly" better than before, but it's down to the girls now. Mariah says this was more in Lazaro's range, and "...preferable." Ooh, preferable? That's going on the tour poster.
Kree interviews that Kris Kristofferson is one of her favorite songwriters, hence her choice of "Help Me Make it Through the Night." That one has the added bonus of having been sung by a lot of her influences, plus the simple beauty of the melody. She says all she has to do is make the audience believe every word. Even before she starts singing, it's obvious that this is the kind of sweet country ballad she was born for. It's basic, simple, straight-ahead, just a fiddle, acoustic guitar, and steel guitar surrounding her on a tiny area of a faux-starlit stage. It's quite pretty, aside from her somewhat blank eyes. I'm just not sure I believe that third "and." Nicki gives a shout-out to the musicians and says Kree can draw her in even with a song she doesn't know, unlike Janelle. Randy says she's what he calls a natural, natural singer, which seems like kind of a clunky thing to go around calling people. Mariah reminisces about Willie Nelson's version and talks about having to sing the song in some indie film and how Kree sang it right. Keith mentions a show coming up Tuesday for God knows what reason when the songwriter, Kris Kristofferson, will be here, and predicts that Kree will soon be a member of the Grand Ole Opry. Ryan brings the backup musicians out to take a bow with Kree while he gives her voting numbers. It's probably good that there are only two rounds, because by the third one the judges would probably be predicting a Kree Harrison theme park.
By M. Giant
Ryan comes back with Amber and refuses to let drop an earlier comment Nicki made about Amber's boyfriend not being around, playing a clip from last week where Burnell planted a kiss on her cheek during his last performance. I wasn't even going to mention this juvenile crap, but Ryan makes it impossible to ignore his most embarrassing moments. Anyway, she's singing "Love on Top" by Beyoncé tonight, strutting around in heels and cutoffs and sounding a little shouty except when she's nailing the really high notes. Which, fortunately, are pretty plentiful there at the end. Mariah says it was fun, though not her favorite Amber vocal because she's always so good. Keith loved the song choice, and Nicki calls out Beyoncé and says Amber has arrived. Randy yells his new hashtag (which, there it is, back on the screen) and after Amber's voting instructions, we go right to Lazaro's intro reel. He's doing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, which he likes for the words about love, here in this strange city away from his loved ones. I guess it makes sense that since Lazaro is so unfamiliar with American pop music, he picked a song not terribly familiar to American pop music fans. He's dressed more like an ice cream man in a white jacket and silver bowtie as he does a much better job with this song than the one. He also skips the usual dramatic pose at the end this time, though the flop-sweat is back. I'm watching this in HD and I keep wanting to wipe the screen. Keith says he liked the song choice, and remembers that Lazaro's tone is what they liked about him. But he also says that the girls are showing the difference between being in a talent contest and pursuing a career as an artist, which I guess is his way of saying Lazaro is more the former. Nicki: "Uh, yeah. What he said." Randy says it was "slightly" better than before, but it's down to the girls now. Mariah says this was more in Lazaro's range, and "...preferable." Ooh, preferable? That's going on the tour poster.
Kree interviews that Kris Kristofferson is one of her favorite songwriters, hence her choice of "Help Me Make it Through the Night." That one has the added bonus of having been sung by a lot of her influences, plus the simple beauty of the melody. She says all she has to do is make the audience believe every word. Even before she starts singing, it's obvious that this is the kind of sweet country ballad she was born for. It's basic, simple, straight-ahead, just a fiddle, acoustic guitar, and steel guitar surrounding her on a tiny area of a faux-starlit stage. It's quite pretty, aside from her somewhat blank eyes. I'm just not sure I believe that third "and." Nicki gives a shout-out to the musicians and says Kree can draw her in even with a song she doesn't know, unlike Janelle. Randy says she's what he calls a natural, natural singer, which seems like kind of a clunky thing to go around calling people. Mariah reminisces about Willie Nelson's version and talks about having to sing the song in some indie film and how Kree sang it right. Keith mentions a show coming up Tuesday for God knows what reason when the songwriter, Kris Kristofferson, will be here, and predicts that Kree will soon be a member of the Grand Ole Opry. Ryan brings the backup musicians out to take a bow with Kree while he gives her voting numbers. It's probably good that there are only two rounds, because by the third one the judges would probably be predicting a Kree Harrison theme park.
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By M. Giant
We come back to Ryan clowning around at the judges' table before introducing Janelle as "fighting her way out of the bottom two." The song she wishes she'd written is "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, which blew her away back when she was eleven. Yes, she was eleven that recently. Janelle's performance has similar instrumentation, but slightly more twee staging as she sings sitting on a small staircase to nowhere while the country trio's off to the side of the stage. It's pretty, but she's not much of a threat to Kree. Randy says it was a great song, although he doesn't think it was one of Janelle's best performances. This was Mariah's first time hearing the song and she appreciated the simple staging. Keith corrects everyone that Garth Brooks wasn't the actual songwriter of this one, and would have liked to see Janelle accompanied only by her own guitar. Nicki liked this better than Janelle's earlier performance, but still doesn't think it was enough to beat the other girls. Lazaro, yes... but not any of the girls. Randy gives her voting instructions while she shows off a very convincing Oscar-loser smile.
We come back with Keith out in the audience and Ryan at his seat at the judges' table before we find out that Candice is doing a double-cover for her second song. Specifically, Adele's version of "Love Song" by the Cure. In her intro reel, Candice talks about the song speaking to what it's like when you're in love, but has to say she doesn't currently have a boyfriend. Not that that rules out a girlfriend. Her version of the song turns out to be even more slow, jazzy and torchy. In fact, she takes it as far from the Adele version as Adele took it from the Cure's version. It's actually rather amazing. She gets a standing ovation from all four judges, if you can count Keith's "We're not worthy" bow as standing, which I think we can. Even Mariah not only gets up, she mounts the stage, walks up to Candice and... throws a handful of glitter at her. Candice might have preferred a hug there. The applause goes on so long that Candice is eventually in tears, and Randy yells that this was one of the best performances in the history of American Idol. And then all four judges stand up again, so Ryan doesn't bother with getting further feedback before going into the recap of tonight's performances. Now here we are at the end with the phone lines almost open. But first, Ryan wants to get more reactions from the judges about Candice's big moment. Keith agrees with Randy, who raises the ante and calls it one of the greatest performances on any talent show ever. Mariah mentions a speech she had all ready for Candice, which she rendered moot. So now the lines are open, and the show ends before Randy can call it one of the best performances in the history of humanity. Probably not long before, though.
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By M. Giant
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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