Tonight's pre-credits sequence is a chronological, overly time-stamped account of the past week. It starts with Janelle's departure last Thursday night, on through full days that included a "red carpet event" (in which the red carpet turned out to be large enough to cover the floor of my bathroom), recording, rehearsals, interviews, the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, something called "BritWeek" where an aging Timothy Dalton lookalike gives them a British language quiz, and oh yeah, last night's show. Speaking of which, thanks to those of you who pointed out that a black and white cookie is actually a thing, without trying to argue that it was a reasonable thing for Randy Jackson to have said to Amber.
Ryan starts things off by promising to deliver some shocking news, which of course can wait until after he's plugged the summer tour. Which is done with even more clips from the mini-concert that the finalists gave during their visit to the CHLA visit, so bonus! Getting all the mileage they can out of that, I see. "They're actually good," one of the kids said with surprise, instantly becoming my favorite person on the show.
With no theme this week, the group sing can be just about anything, so they go with..."Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys. Angie starts it off from behind the piano (a red one!) before joining the other three for a quartet largely obscured by stage fog. Well, where a girl is on smoke...
This week's Fiesta Mission actually borders on clever, and just typing that makes me want to whip out a totem to find out if I'm dreaming. The conceit is that the top four are all summoned to the various workplaces Ryan Seacrest has to show up at in the course of a day, from the studio to his foundation to the recording studio to a pitch meeting, and having to fill in for him there. And then they show up at his home office to find four Ryans waiting for them wanting to know how it went. Except for the punchline, the only thing wrong with that was the finalists' inability to play it totally deadpan. After the clip, the finalists read off Ryan's copy while he comes in late for his cue, claiming to have been off polishing Emmys for Tom Bergeron and Jeff Probst. Hilarious. Yep, I'm awake.
Then we get some more filler in the form of a clip of the finalists being challenged to tell interviewers five things about themselves in 20 seconds. Angie power-shares that she hates pink, wears heels, and scarfs olives before running out of time. Candice says she loves SpongeBob, Drake, people, and sleeping with socks on before running out of time and saying "eyelashes." Kree's three self-proclaimed facts, as shown on the screen before she runs out of time are 1) "Bitten By A Snake," 2) "Loves Rap," and 3) "She Sucks!!!" I think the editors might have added the exclamation points. Amber enjoys showers and 90-degree weather, was on a drill team and in a play, loves neon green, and has a pierced septum. That's six! Amber's winning everything this week.
She's also the first one that Ryan calls over to suffer through the clips from last night. Jimmy loved "Power of Love," but continues his apparent decades-long hate-on for "MacArthur Park," which he says even Amber couldn't explain to him when he ran into her backstage last night. He even thinks Amber might be in trouble tonight as a result, because he underestimates the country's tolerance for moronic lyrics in pop songs. That's all we know about Amber for now, though, because Ryan sends her back to the bleacher-couches without any update on her status.
After the ads, Ryan turns to Kree. We know Jimmy didn't care for Kree's first performance last night, and her "Whiter Shade of Pale" didn't come close to fixing it in his opinion. He maintains that nobody's going to win this competition with corny lyrics. Is he new?
Stefano is back from Season 10, not that I was watching then. He gets all skeezy in his intro reel about getting to sing "Yes to Love" to the female finalists and the female judges, and then asks them not to use that. And we see how that worked out. So he comes out and croons his mid-tempo ballad. It's pretty cheesy, but he looks like the kind of guy who could be even cheesier than what we're already seeing, so props for keeping that reeled in. Three-way standing ovation from the judges, but Mariah gets up eventually, out of a clear sense of obligation and possibly the sudden, belated realization that everybody already saw her come in wearing a shorter dress tonight.
It's Candice's turn to be judged by Jimmy. He says that Candice needs to both take better care of her voice and make some riskier song choices. He then addresses the controversy from last night, when he was dragged onstage to be booed by the audience and charged by Nicki, but then claims that Nicki has a crush on him. After the clip, Nicki gamely plays along before Ryan gets back to Candice. He plays her a suspiciously high-quality audio clip of Drake thanking her for singing his song last night and saying he wishes she could have worked on it in the studio with him. Candice is already kvelling, and as he's going on to apologize that he couldn't be there in person, the screen in back opens up and he comes sauntering out. Which at least explains the quality of the audio. He hugs Candice, gladhands some people in the front row, gives some love to the other three finalists, and just generally brings the show to a screeching halt until the ad break. And it was humming along so smoothly until now.
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It continues after the ads, as Keith has relinquished his seat at the judges' table so Drake can sit to Nicki, who apparently arranged all this. Then Ryan runs some more clips from Season 10, which marks the first time I've ever laid eyes on Lee DeWyze. He catches us up on how he's been on tour, in the recording studio, down the aisle for his wedding to some chick who was in his music video, and now he's back to play "Silver Lining." Timely! It also apparently takes a dozen people to help him perform this soft, limp country ballad that abruptly goes all Mumford & Sons after the first verse before going back to what it was at the start. You guys, how bad was Season 10? The judges don't even bother getting up this time.
Angie may be the only one Jimmy leaves unscathed for the week, not that she seems to realize it. Or maybe she's just pretending not to for the cameras. Sure enough, his clip about her says she easily won the night with two great songs and two great performances, although he prefers her behind the piano like everyone else does. Ryan reads Angie a supportive Tweet from Jessie J and then asks Mariah for some reason what she thinks Angie needs to stay in the competition. Mariah tells her to stick with the piano and keep being herself, which is going to sound a little silly if Angie goes home tonight.
Ryan now puts the finalists into two pairs, with Kree and Angie at stage left and Amber and Candice at stage right. "Take a look at this," Ryan says. Racial segregation? That's not actually a proud moment, Ryan.
After a suspenseful ad break and an even more suspenseful pause, Ryan announces that Candice and Amber are in the bottom two, meaning safety for Angie and Kree. Ryan stretches out the moment, announces week's theme ("now and then") in a throwaway line, and finally reveals that the person in danger of leaving tonight is "...no one." Well, that must be the twist. Angie and Kree run over to celebrate with Candice and Amber at center stage while the judges look completely flummoxed. Ryan explains that the judges never used the save this season, so we ended up with an extra week before the finale and the save went off all by itself. Ryan assures us that this week's 34 million votes will be added to week's totals, so don't worry; nobody who voted last night was wasting their time. Well, not any more than usual.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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By M. Giant
Angie may be the only one Jimmy leaves unscathed for the week, not that she seems to realize it. Or maybe she's just pretending not to for the cameras. Sure enough, his clip about her says she easily won the night with two great songs and two great performances, although he prefers her behind the piano like everyone else does. Ryan reads Angie a supportive Tweet from Jessie J and then asks Mariah for some reason what she thinks Angie needs to stay in the competition. Mariah tells her to stick with the piano and keep being herself, which is going to sound a little silly if Angie goes home tonight.
Ryan now puts the finalists into two pairs, with Kree and Angie at stage left and Amber and Candice at stage right. "Take a look at this," Ryan says. Racial segregation? That's not actually a proud moment, Ryan.
After a suspenseful ad break and an even more suspenseful pause, Ryan announces that Candice and Amber are in the bottom two, meaning safety for Angie and Kree. Ryan stretches out the moment, announces week's theme ("now and then") in a throwaway line, and finally reveals that the person in danger of leaving tonight is "...no one." Well, that must be the twist. Angie and Kree run over to celebrate with Candice and Amber at center stage while the judges look completely flummoxed. Ryan explains that the judges never used the save this season, so we ended up with an extra week before the finale and the save went off all by itself. Ryan assures us that this week's 34 million votes will be added to week's totals, so don't worry; nobody who voted last night was wasting their time. Well, not any more than usual.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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