By M. Giant
You recall that I left you with two promises last Thursday. Friday turned out to be too busy work-wise to feed my DVR box to an industrial shredder, so I ended up spending most of Saturday getting the new one swapped in and then getting my internet turned back on (don't ask me how they're related). As for what I missed on Thursday: MacKensie Wasner made it, as did Kiara Lanier. Orange guy with tall hair? Not so much.
So tonight's pre-credits sequence is coming to us from Charlotte, North Carolina. Apparently there's a racetrack there. In honor of the venue, Ryan is supposedly driving in a NASCAR race to the high-octane strains of "Kickstart My Heart" by Motley Crue (although he appears to be grooving to "The Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes inside his cockpit). Ryan wins the race, probably so he can get to his job in time.
After the credits, there's an overedited bit of all kinds of postapocalyptic infotainment coverage of a supposed fight between Mariah and Nicki, intercut with some sad-looking people in an ill-lit room and finally a shot of the dramatically vacant judges' table. By which I mean there aren't even bodies in the chairs like usual. So, you know, literally vacant.
Cut to "6 Hours Earlier," per the onscreen title, and it looks more like the beginning of a normal episode. Here in Charlotte, Randy reminisces about past winners from North Carolina auditions like Scotty McCreery and Fantasia. In fact, the former appears to be here for the occasion. Ryan works the crowd, the judges arrive, and Scotty and Ryan warm up the crowd filling the bleachers. We learn that the auditions are happening at the actual Charlotte Motor Speedway, as Randy's habit of narrating everything comes in handy for once. The judges appear to be running things from up in the broadcast booth or a VIP suite or something. Contestant-wise, Naomi Morris and her large spiky boobs are up first. She designed her own clothes, you see. Nicki renames her "Omi" and advises her to add some lashes to her already over-the-top makeup. It's academic, though, because by her second line of her performance of "Respect," you can see the judges already checking out. Nicki humors her, though, encouraging her to breathe and letting her try again with "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" as though she's got a chance. The judges' decision regarding her future in this singing competition is that...she did a good job making her clothes. And then Ryan throws it to ads with as many racecar metaphors as he can cram into thirty seconds. There were hardly any left for my blurb!
Scotty McCreery works the crowd some more, because it's not like his dorky ass has anything better to do. Neither does Matthew Muse from Florence, South Carolina, who looks like a young, bearded Donny Osmond with a hat stolen from the set of Django Unchained. He's very enthusiastic and dorky, and his version of "When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley is musical-theater bad. They still invite him to dance, which he doesn't do much better. "You're nowhere near ready for this," Randy says after they've sufficiently embarrassed him. Well, if he were capable of embarrassment, which he's not. Nicki makes him do a runway walk before they're done with him. And he's still not embarrassed.
Here's another draftee, Isabel Gonzales. Randy rode a school bus to Alpharetta High School (not creepy at all, that) after she was nominated by her aunt. Randy crashed an assembly in the school library to give Isabel her audition number, so now she's here to sing "Nothing Can Ever Change This Love" by Sam Cooke. She's rather more confident and prepared than last week's nominee, not to mention better. The judges love her natural ability and unanimously put her through. She comes out of the room with her golden ticket and gets covered with Silly String by her family. They're going to ban that stuff from auditions one of these days. But not today. Ryan's having too much fun with it.
Later, Ryan sits down with a bunch of white boys and a nonwhite girl named Taisha Bethea who make up an alternative rock band called Carson. She's the only one of them auditioning today, though. She tells the judges she wants to be a rock singer, which confuses Randy when she says she's singing "Folsom Prison Blues." Which she does fine. Randy, a little underwhelmed, and asks for her second song, which is Alanis Morissette's "You Oughtta Know." Taisha is not really about the deep tracks, clearly, which makes me wonder how "alternative" Carson really is. Mariah thinks she's interesting. Keith wishes he could hear her with her band, and I'm sure her band does too. Mariah is confused by her direction. Nicki says she doesn't care, but appreciates Taisha's refraining from doing R&B runs even though she's a black girl. Nicki says yes, Mariah's not ready to commit, Keith gives a yes, and Randy says no. But Keith invokes some obscure rule that makes his vote the deciding one when they're in Charlotte, so she's going to Hollywood. Her bandmates come in to share the moment, and they make it clear that they'd be thrilled if their lead singer were on American Idol. That's because they know this is as famous as they're going to get.
Montage of judges disagreeing, mostly with Randy or Nicki, while the poor hopefuls awaiting their fate are just tossed to and fro by their whims like Bilbo and the dwarves on the mountain giants. Ryan makes sure we understand that the judges are far from on the same page when in comes today's Unluckiest Person In Charlotte, Summer Cunningham from Warner Robins, Georgia. There's nothing particularly remarkable about her, although she sings "Lean on Me" well enough. Nicki was pleasantly surprised by her, but Keith is offended by Summer's use of the phrase "the country thing," comparing it to saying "the brain surgeon thing." Yes, Keith Urban, your job is as challenging and specialized as brain surgery. Speaking of which, is Keith Urban the only major artist whose name is a completely different musical genre from the one he works in? And no, Chris Rock doesn't count. If there's a country artist out there named Jim Bob Country, let me know.
Back in the audition room, Randy thinks she's got more of a country voice. Mariah remarks on Keith's reaction to her "country thing" comment and asks if that's what she grew up on. Summer, reading the room, says now that she loves country. Keith gives her a yes, as does Randy, and Mariah, although it appears to be on the condition that she does "the country thing." Nicki, who has been sitting there looking extravagantly annoyed this whole time, drones that she thought this was a "country music debate," and takes exception to Randy and Mariah picking on Summer. She accuses them of manipulating her into claiming to be a country lover, which they kind of did. They're all talking over each other and getting kind of personal when Keith earns himself a Nobel Peace Prize by abruptly telling Summer, "You're going to Hollywood!" and thereby dismissing her from the room. Girlfriend doesn't need to be told twice. Randy insists on having the last word, calling after Summer that he was just trying to help, what with his thirty years of experience and insight (and zero years of having anything interesting to say). Nicki takes this as a burn against her personally and storms away from the table, saying, "Maybe I should just get off the fucking panel." "Nicki's mad, she's walking out," Randy narrates. There's that thirty years of insight. Mariah's just mad that Nicki stole the move she was saving for herself.
Day two in Charlotte is kicked off with more of the same overdramatic stuff that started the episode, but Ryan and the auditioners and all four judges come back anyway. The first contestant of the day, Brandy Alexandria Hamilton (no, even with that name she's not a drag queen, unless she's a very convincing one) is understandably nervous under the circumstances. Nicki prompts her James Lipton-style to tell her backstory, which she obligingly does: she's an army reservist who got in trouble for singing. So, not a terribly long backstory. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyway, she sings "All I Can Do is Cry" by Etta James, the judges dig her and want to hear more, and she's going to Hollywood. On her way out, she says through tears, "Please don't fight, it makes us sad." Because the judges were talking over each other when she said this, Nigel Lythgoe has to translate this for them from off-camera, and the judges are duly chastened. And thus Brandy Alexandria Hamilton earns her place on American Idol version of the ten-dollar bill. But if a contestant shows up with any variation on the name Erin Burr, she's better steer clear.
We come back to see the judges dismissing some hat-wearing weirdo, but at least they're still making an effort to get along, as Mariah assures Nicki that she wasn't being hattist (Nicki is of course wearing a doozy of a chapeau today, part of an overall look she's put together that says Train Conductor On Acid). Cut to a woman named Ashley Smith who loudly eats a sandwich and works the holding room like a demented cruise director. "I just like people to look at me," she says, like we hadn't figured that out one microsecond after being exposed to her. In the audition room, Nicki dubs her "Blondie" and decides her five-foot height will be part of her brand. Turns out she can actually kind of sing, as she demonstrates by covering "Cowboy Casanova" for them, surprisingly well. The judges all like her, especially the part where an African-American girl sang a Carrie Underwood song, and she's in.
Nicki is nowhere near done giving people nicknames, and here commences a whole montage of her doing it to people at any number of auditions, including some we haven't even seen yet. Some of the nicknames are fairly apt and imaginative, while others seem contractually required and still others purely stream-of-consciousness. The last of these is "Honey Pie," bestowed upon a 22-year-old from Oliver Springs, Tennessee named Janelle Arthur. Janelle says that at age eight she played a young Dolly Parton at "a theme park," like which theme park might that be? She belts out "Where the Blacktop Is," with Keith totally into it. Nicki says she already seems like a star, Randy compares her to a "young LeAnn," because of how LeAnn Rimes is all old and dried up now, and Mariah thought it was all very pretty, so she's through, duh. When she tries to leave, she finds out that Ryan has locked the door leading back to her family and is saying he'll only open it for her if she's got a golden ticket. I'd like to see how that plays out with people who don't have one.
We come back at 2:00 PM on day two, a half hour before Keith has to leave for the day. They burn through some suckmeisters and let one last guy in right at 2:30. Rodney Barber seems to think he's worth it, though, describing himself as "The Voice of Charlotte." Then his backstory reveals that this is not an entirely unearned designation, as he apparently spends his time singing in downtown Charlotte for tips, half of which he says he uses to help homeless people like his former self. He now sings "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, a song that seems almost overdue this late into the season. He's a decent singer, although his voice seems more suited for busy street corners than a small room. The judges like his voice and his story, so he's in. Keith heads off to support his wife as she receives an award at the New York Film Festival, like all of us with wives do at some point or another.
Candice Glover is back after getting cut during the Vegas round last season, not that I remember her at all. She says that this year she's here to be herself, which must explain the purple streaks in her hair. Randy barely remembers her either, and it probably doesn't help that she says people compare her to Josh Ledet. She's good, but I don't see the vocal resemblance. After all, Josh always started out screaming, but Candice builds up to it. Which nobody ever does, because who has time, but she starts out well enough that they let her keep running and it pays off in the end. In fact, Randy and Mariah give her a standing ovation, declaring hers the best audition of the season. Nicki declares, "I want to skin you and wear you," which is probably the best compliment anyone has ever received from Nicki Minaj, or indeed from anyone. Ever. They gush over how awesome she is and give her unanimous, simultaneous yeses. Her family's beyond excited outside the room, and the camera pans from them to another, more miserable-looking family of the person waiting to go , as if to demonstrate that there can be no true joy without despair.
is Ja'bria Barber, 16, from Clover, South Carolina, who likes to go "frog-gigging." The judges have never heard of this activity. I have, but I've blocked what it means, so the editors helpfully take us to her mobile home and follow her and her little party out to the crick at night to watch her spear bullfrogs in the mud so she can take them home and have her mom fry up the legs. "Tastes like chicken!" she insists. "There would be a lot of disabled frogs in the world," Nicki says once we're back in the audition room, and makes Ja'bria promise to stop killing frogs. Ja'bria goes into the Bonnie Raitt version of "Pride and Joy," all loud and sassy-like. Mariah likes the song and her voice, even if she doesn't care for the frog thing. Randy and Nicki also like her, so one unanimous vote later, she's going to Hollywood.
I guess we're overdue for a freak after the singing frog-hunter, so it's time for Brad Harris, a stumpy bald guy who explains that his high school didn't have a wrestling team, so they made dance videos instead. Brad's big move was apparently banging his head on things, and it shows. In the audition room, he reveals that his hip-hop name is B-Akon, which earns him a little goodwill from the judges until he starts actually singing that song from Aladdin while the judges fantasize about bacon. He is summarily dismissed without so much as a handshake, even though he asks for one.
After a montage of people coming out of the audition room in widely varying moods, we meet Seretha Guinn, from here in Charlotte. She's here with her three-year-old daughter London. Her boyfriend Monty was in a near-fatal accident, and is apparently still laid up, because he doesn't know she's here. She leads her London into the audition room, and reveals that Nicki is her daughter's best friend. "You just don't know it yet." Well, she knows it now; London even refers to Nicki as "Dun-dun" back home, and Mariah seems deeply moved that someone's given Nicki a nickname for a change. After a little more cute overload, Seretha tells the story of her grievously injured boyfriend who doesn't know about this little errand, and they're totally on her side...at least until she tells them that what she's going to sing is "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Bad move, that. Or at least it seems that way until she actually sings it rather than rapping it and manages to pull it off. Well, I guess the sitcom-theme thing worked for Reed Grimm last season. Although I probably shouldn't use the term "sitcom-theme thing" lest I offend some sitcom theme singer somewhere. They let her do another song, and after a long, awkward pause, Nicki says, "Incredible." All of them are impressed with Seretha's singing and her story, and she gets three loud yeses. Nicki poses for a photo with London and the stuffed animal London brought for her, and that's it for Charlotte, with 37 more golden tickets having been handed out here. Tomorrow: Baton Rouge, a locale chosen either because it's Randy's hometown or for maximum weirdness potential. Probably both.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.