Thanks to my beloved Joe for defending my honor against that damned hillbilly last night. Best birthday present of all time. Well, that and the return of United States Of Tara. But mostly Joe.
There's a bunch of overheated memories of last night that don't make sense out of context, except for the part where Katie was lucky to have met Miley Cyrus. Which is maybe the meanest thing you could ever say to a person. Freeze-frame on Randy Jackson's stupid face, causing a wave of laughter in the audience, and then we're in. Ryan Seacrest is now even walking like a stop-motion GI Joe doll. The ten-inch size, to scale. Soon his transformation will be complete.
Shit is so exciting tonight that a girl in the audience screams through her nosebleed, and Kara is turning into Norma Desmond right before our lives. ("We didn't need words, we had faces!") Then these poor kids have to sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," much pointy-posing happens, and poor little Aaron Kelly is, let's say, in his element. Otherwise, the Goblin King looks as uncomfortable as ever, Big Mike dances like a giant drag queen, Siobhan is my imaginary girlfriend, and Tim Urban is just imaginary.
This song is really literal. That's probably why Katie loves it so damned much.
There's like five seconds of studio time, and then we're on to the fake thing, the car advertisement they filmed this weekend. All the kids drive to a fountain and then deface it with giant colored plastic balls, and then have fun in the balls. They leave Andrew's ass there, lying under the plastic balls like the Lady of Shalott and making this the finest Ford music video they've ever presented. Even Ryan, back in the theatre, is like, "Thank God we didn't lose Andrew permanently."
Casey, yesterday, had an eye-opening experience before the show (unnerving for Siobhan and Katie and Crystal) but then we find out that it was actually so boring they just don't want to talk about it: He sang the wrong words, and then on the show he sang the right words. Siobhan's boss is growing a Fleet Foxes beard to help her win, and he's sitting with the nosebleed girls, who are apparently dressed as "Shazombies." Siobhan: She's weird! Weird gross friends! Who knew? Katie's dad is drinking alone in a bar somewhere waiting to hear whether or not she is going to do okay. That's not a joke, it's her life.
Big Mike dares to blur that line yet again by walking around with his baby literally strapped to his chest. time try the forehead. While you're singing. He tells some boring story about his living situation I didn't really listen to, although props to him for only using the word "blessed" about sixty times.
But the great thing with Miley is that it's totally fine to hate her because she actually is stupid, and her family is stupid -- even the one from Metro Station has all that stupid crap in his face -- and they are the figureheads of horror. She is the boob lady on the front of the seafaring vessel that is taking us all straight to Teabagger Hell. It's not that she's young, or a girl: It's that she's the worst possible example of both. Sexism and youth-hating are wrong, but class hatred and intellectual elitism are the only virtues I understand anymore. No matter how many times we're pounded with this idea that stupidity is good, it will never be true. Stupidity is a choice, but it's not ever the right one.
They've set up a thing where you can start your own drive in advance of Idol Gives Back and maybe get some attention from Ryan Seacrest if you do it right. Worth considering.
Lee, Casey and Siobhan are safe. Paige and Tim are in the bottom three. Aaron Kelly is like a cuter Liberace. Look at his face and tell me I'm wrong. He sang that David Cook Armageddon song and the Judgery loved it. Really? I can't imagine I would find that appropriate. I'll check it out. He seems to be getting older, also, right before our eyes... And is safe.
Didi sang "You're No Good" and Simon did not care for it, to put things lightly. Ryan asks her about taking the risk, and Didi sasses the Judgery a little bit about what the hell do they want from her. The Brooke White cracks are continuing to show. Ryan asks Ellen in her Palestinian scarf what she should do, since they won't tell her, and Ellen blabbers for awhile without actually saying anything. "Pick better song choices" is all she's gonna say. Huh. Simon says that Didi overthinks it sometimes -- she agrees wholeheartedly, it's one of the great things about her -- and Ryan says she's safe. Oh, that's good. Half the time I forget she exists but I'm always happy to see her.
Big Mike sang "When A Man Loves A Woman," shocker there, and Kara and Simon hated the song choice and "loungy and indulgent" vibe. That's, like, what he does. Anyway, he's safe. Crystal sang "Me & Bobby McGee," which is another effing shocker but I'm sure it was totally fantastic, and she pulls a total Bo Bice about how she's not changin' for nobody nohow, and she's safe but that little Bice thing gives me pause about her. Not sure I like how this is developing with her, because you know where it's headed already: When she has to pick the safe group, what will she do?