After a recycling-themed pimpmercial, Ryan asks Kieran to dim the lights, as it's time to begin the winnowing. Scotty, Pia and Lauren are called to the stage, and I will admit that this is the one area where the "shocking twist" stuff had me going in the wrong direction and thinking either Lauren or Pia was in danger. Ryan tries to make the most of the fakeout opportunity, but he overplays his hand. Once he starts talking about all three of them "packing [their] bags" you know he's shitting them. They're all safe. (Also, the "pack your bags" conceit is so depressingly Tyra I can barely look at Ryan.) Somebody shouts out something that hair-triggers the delay button (that delay button is just getting warmed up, it turns out), and Scotty, Lauren and Pia squeal their way back to the sofas of safety.
After the break, we get a performance from Sugarland. I'm no country fan, but I really like these guys. Jennifer Nettles is exactly the kind of weirdo I love, and as if to illustrate my point, she's wearing Kelly-green yoga pants, a pleated pink jacket, belted with a pale-blue sash. I actually don't much care for this song they're performing -- "Stuck Like Glue" -- but it gives me the opportunity to demand that you go find that YouTube of Sugarland performing "Like a Prayer" that's been floating around the internet this week. So worth it.
The segment is part of what I assume is Uncle Nigel's "Better Know an Idol" initiative, where we learn weird things about the kids and watch them interact at home. This particular package is all about how Durbin is a total freak for pro wrestling, and how he's roped Paul and Stefano and Pia into his weirdness. (I'm also interested in how the clip package clearly sets up Naima and Jacob as the "other" in this respect, showing each of them disparaging wrestling. If this segment was supposed to position James as a relatable guy -- "I like wrestling! Just like you!" -- how is it supposed to position Jacob, with his fey refusal to even discuss such things?) Anyway, I think it's Lauren who hits the nail on the head about how James and Paul and Stefano are kind of cute as they run around acting like total boys.
This is all an intro to the round of Kieran's light-dimmings. This time it's James and Paul who are called to the stage. This time, Ryan gets more overt with his fake-outtery, telling them both that they are "not safe" this week. Of course, Ryan means this literally, as the stage doors open to reveal the ancient yet enduringly-muscled husk of Hulk Hogan. Boy, if you ever needed a slap in the face as to what demographic pond this show thinks you're swimming in, here it is. It's like watching the soaps and then realizing that all the ads are for prescription drugs for depression. So Hulk does his Hulk thing and James freaks out adorably, and of course this means both boys are safe, and I'm more than a little afraid that Hulk's going to call out Naima and Jacob and throw their un-American asses on the silver stools of danger himself, but thankfully all he does is punch Ryan in the head and send him flying into the audience. ...You heard me. He grabs Ryan by his impeccably fussed-over hair (an act previously undertaken by only the roughest of rough-traders in West Hollywood), delivers a choreographed wrestling punch to his dome (which the Idol directing team doesn't know how to film correctly, so it looks even faker than usual), and Ryan hurtles himself into the second row of the audience, landing on three couldn't-be-more-obvious security guys who are all hilariously dressed in pastel polos so they can pass as audience. On one level, this is all a welcome bucket of ice water for anyone who had any lingering notions that this entire enterprise isn't theater of the most vulgar thought. (And if this didn't work, there's what happens at the end of the hour.) On another level, I am well and truly mortified. Before life on Idol becomes finally merely impossible, it will, for a long time before, have become completely unbearable. Damn right.
After the break, Ryan's already acting like what just happened never, ever happened. It's Kieran time once again. Stefano, Jacob, and Thia are called to the stage. Jacob is of course safe, because he did a pretty awesome job last night. Thia, because she performed in the cursed second-slot and also is insanely boring, is in the Bottom Three. Stefano, who has looked ready to vomit all night, is on to Seacrest's game, though, and immediately starts asking "Me too? Is it me too? I'm in the Bottom 3 too, right?" It's always fun to watch Ryan try to retain his dignity when his fakeouts don't fake the contestants out, because yes, Stefano is also in the Bottom 3. It's surprising, in that I think he's one of the 4 or 5 best contestants left and is totally cute, but it's not that surprising. He did need that wild card to even make the Top 13, right?
Ryan then calls out Naima, Haley and Casey -- making sure to remind us to "stay for the entire show" because it's all going to be so "interesting." How spontaneous! I wonder what totally un-choreographed things will happen! On a completely unrelated note, I bet Casey Abrams is safe because everybody loves him and that Haley and Naima are not safe because they barely survived last week... WHAAAA? So, yeah, duh, Casey is Bottom 3 and Haley and Naima are safe. If we're looking to explain the Why, Casey, Why of it all, beyond the fact that Casey has kind of gotten off-putting in these last couple weeks, I could chalk it up to his performing first in a two-hour show as well as his fatally middle-of-the-road performance. But I'm also going to say this: Simon Cowell would have saved Casey's ass, and not in the way that (SPOILER) the judges are about to save him. Because some time in the 3-4 weeks, Simon would have laid a blistering critique down on Casey, one that either would have forced Casey to up his game (if his game is indeed uppable; if not, why are we even talking about him?) or sent Casey's fan's into a tizzy of power-voting to keep their guy safe from Simon's ravages. That's the lost effect of Simon's absence -- it's not just the pageantry of the show that's changed, it's actual voting patterns. Nobody's getting any sympathy votes, because: sympathy from what?
Anyway, where were we? Right: SHOCK! AWE!
After the break, we get to witness something rare and beautiful: Ryan Seacrest fucks up an intro cue, as he presents Jennifer Hudson as "the only Idol winner with an Oscar." The best part is that Ryan knows he's fucking up as he says it -- J-Hud never won Idol, much as the show sometimes pretends that she and Daughtry and Lambert are winners simply because of their after-show success -- and yet is powerless to stop. Jennifer Hudson is amazing, of course. I saw her perform this on The View the other day, and the effortlessness with which she belts is something to see. She's kind of the perfect critique of this show -- not because she didn't win, but because while her initial burst of fame did certainly come from this show, so many other ingredients had to get put together in the years since the show to get to this Building a Better Diva creation we see on the stage right now. After the performance, Ryan points out an impossibly smiley George Huff as one of Jennifer's backup singers, which is a whole separate critique of the show in and of itself.
Without breaking for commercial, Ryan takes us over to the stools of uncertainty -- which are suddenly on the other side of the stage without explanation LIKE WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT -- to declare one of these cursed three as safe. And obviously, due to Ryan's promise of a double-secret shocking surprise, it's Thia who is safe, because up is down, black is white, and boring is third-least-boring. Casey appears to be genially resigned to what's coming, but poor Stefano looks like he should be putting his head between his knees.
One last commercial break, and then it's time for the circus. I'm going to try to get through this without getting too worked up so let me just say up front: the idea that there is anything spontaneous or genuine about anything that follows is more insulting than the worst of Simon Cowell's barbed critiques ever were. So Ryan's back with Stefano and Casey, and he announces... that Casey had the lowest number of votes. Stefano, bless him, is too relieved to fake a heart attack like everybody else is doing. Randy Jackson, you can stop it right now.
So Casey performs -- not his song from last night, but "I Don't Need No Doctor." He gets about thirty seconds into it before the judges -- led by Randy, at his fakey-fake worst -- call for the music to stop. They can't take this for one more second! America got it wrong! Casey is being unfairly punished or something! Anyway, DUH, Casey gets the save. At which point, Casey takes the baton of grossness and fucking SPRINTS with it. He starts shaking, his legs go to jelly, and he looks like he might pass out or barf or require emergency abdominal surgery or whatever. He's so lucky he's had all these reported medical problems over the last few weeks -- it really helps sell the moment here. He really could be having a medical episode, right on live TV! No wonder Nigel and Ryan told us not to change the channel! Casey then starts alternately screaming and hyperventilating, all, "Me?? Did they seriously just save me??" Pageant girls ought to be taking fucking NOTES on this. Casey's official line of reasoning is "I didn't think they'd save anybody this early in the competition," which as plausible deniability goes, it's not bad. But come on -- this voting panel? Like they were ever going to be able to let a truly popular contestant NOT get saved. Casey then proceeds to rave and run around and sit down and jump up and scream "FUCK" a lot, because at this point, who's going to stop him? He's quite literally untouchable right now. Jennifer Lopez manages to be the one saving grace in all this, attempting to get Casey to understand that he needs to do better.
Ryan does some last minute housekeeping: two go home week, and all eleven of the remaining kids will go on tour this summer. ...Can they all go out on tour right now?
Discuss the episode in our forums, then see the show's most insane performances! And see what our vloggers think of the judges below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!
Joe R has never been happier to be finished with an episode of this show. Questions, comments, and unadulterated love can be sent to him at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.