By Shack
Ryan "Something's Burning" Seacrest greets us from the audience for tonight's show, and if he looks a bit flustered, it's because he just barely escaped Janice Dickinson fellating him live on television during his own syndicated show. He even glances off to the side, perhaps fearing she's going to come tearing down an aisle shrieking, "Ryaaaaan! I want you! You're much prettier than that Yoanna bitch!" Maybe the whole incident was some sort of "tough love" lesson to get Ryan to stop making sex jokes. As we pan across the eleven remaining finalists on the Seal, Ryan recites the worst poem ever: "The contestants continue to go, / as the pressure continues to grow. / They're fighting to stay on the show, / and they all need your vote." And it would have been so easy to finish properly, too: "And my punch lines continue to blow"; "And Matt's hair didn't really grow"; or "And Paula is still a little bit slow."
Credits. I think I have analyzed every single second of the opening.
Ryan heads out onto the Seal alone in a slate suit with a pale blue shirt. He starts off the show by wishing Aretha Franklin a "speedy recovery," as she was hospitalized briefly last week. ["What, did she watch last week's performances?" -- Jim Mullen] The audience applauds vaguely, pretending they know who the hell Aretha is, then turning to people to them and whispering, "Wasn't she one of the girls fired from Destiny's Child?" Ryan reminds us that there's an audience, then reminds the audience that they're the audience, then reminds us all that Leah was ejected last week. The audience doesn't even bother to try to care.
This week's theme is "country." Which country? Is it India? I hope it's India. I want to see a big Bollywood number. Ryan tells us country music isn't all about "your dog doing you wrong" or "your man getting hit by a pickup truck." Nope. It's about the same thing pop music is about -- getting laid. Or whining about not getting laid. Or whining about how getting laid got you into trouble. Ryan tells us that country music is really big in this country (that's really how he says it), so the kids will have to "bring it" and do a good job. Because people like country. As opposed to week's theme of "emo," which nobody cares about much anymore, so the kids will actually literally phone in the performances from their mansion. Or from whatever hotel room they're staying in while exterminators make another sweep through their apparently vermin-infested new home. Or so rumor has it.
Ryan introduces all the kids out to the Seal again. Then he introduces the judges. He says Simon "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right" Cowell is wearing chaps and spurs tonight, and he didn't even know country music was the theme. Simon probably did it to tease Ryan over what he's not getting anymore. Paula "Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That" Abdul is introduced as their very own "darlin'." She's wearing a black jacket with shiny lapels. Ryan, like the rest of us, doesn't really have anything interesting to say about Randy "I Don't Need You" Jackson. Randy "woo"s himself, as he does. Randy's wearing cowboy boots. Thanks for sharing.
Our first contestant to perform tonight is Diana Degarmo. Our clip show theme tonight is a look back at the childhoods of each of the contestants. Which is pretty much the same as the clip show theme from last week. Diana's childhood clip show immerses us in a cascade of pink, sugary cutesiness. I always wondered what it would be like inside the cotton candy machine. Now I know. She tells us she's been performing since she was five. See, I'd like her better if she'd have a childish Jacob Underwood-style hissyfit. We see various clips and pictures of her in horrible outfits singing at horrible talent shows. Then she got into singing the national anthem at various sporting events in Georgia. She calls herself "the national anthem girl." We see her sing the song in question. She's not bad. She's not very interesting either. Diana says she's managed to put her own smudge on the song. Er, "thumbprint," she calls it. Her mom tells us that she asked Diana why she liked to perform so much. She says Diana told her that "she loved the fact that people loved what she did." Ah. Another one of those declarations that would make any armchair psychologist (like me) go, "Hmmmmm." She doesn't say that she loves to perform; she says that she loves it when people love her performances. That's a very telling statement, assuming Mom is remembering correctly. Diana concludes her profile with some pageant blather about seeing the country and meeting people. Honey, we all do that. It's called "vacation."
Ryan introduces Diana to the Seal to sing Martina McBride's former hit, "A Broken Wing." Diana opens her performance sitting on the edge of the stage by some stairs. Maybe Industrial Light and Music (the special effects company that produces Diana) wanted to show off advances in their "clipping" abilities? I think I got the right term for that. She's wearing a denim skirt and pink jacket decorated with grommets along the front and sleeves. If you had some nylon rope, you could suspend her from the ceiling from her jacket for this performance. That would have been more interesting. She beauty pageants her way through a song that is apparently about a woman escaping from an abusive relationship. Awww. Isn't she just so adorable? In addition to her not understanding the song, as usual, her voice isn't as solid as it normally it is. She's all over the place in the verses before the first chorus. But she ends the song on one massive glory note held for twenty seconds, so who cares about the rest?
Judges. Randy thinks it was her best performance so far, entirely on the basis of that one last note. Paula suggests that they have a contest to see who can hold the note the longest. You do and I'll have you killed. Eh, actually, it would be easy to recap. What the hell is on Paula's hand? She's got a chain mail bracelet that attaches to a ring on her middle finger. Did she elope with one of the surviving Riders of Rohan? She declares that Diana is going to have a career and sing for a long, long time. Which may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean that she'll be famous or ever produce an album. Simon says that Diana picked a song that worked for her voice, but he's concerned about her clip show, because it made her look like "a product of a pop farm." Snerk. Okay, there, Simon. Rage against that whole awful manufactured pop industry. Irony and I will just sit over here in the corner complaining that people are just too cynical.
Needless to say, Randy and Paula don't understand what Simon's talking about and make fun of him. He tries to point out that Diana looks like she's been "bred" to be a pop singer, and Randy keeps interrupting him and saying that Simon was bred to be rude. Shut up, Randy. Paula gives Randy a high-five. Shut up, Paula's hand. And the rest of Paula. Simon repeats his comments that Diana isn't "connecting" with the music and audience. Randy witlessly argues that this is how the song is supposed to go. She's not supposed to feel the song? Randy, this is why you just play the guitar. Shut up. Idiot. The audience boos. Shut up, audience. You didn't vote for her, either. Diana heads over to Ryan on the drinking fountain stools. Ryan declares that Randy won the argument with Simon, which he didn't. Shut up, Ryan. He continues to play Diana's defender and claims that the audience connected with Diana, which I find so very amusing in retrospect. Somebody should inform him that he wasn't looking at the audience during her performance; he was staring in a mirror, which is why he saw that "connection." Ryan insists that Simon give her advice on the whole "connection" thing. Simon snarks, "It's what you don't have, Ryan: A connection with the audience." Ryan: 0; Simon: 200,004 and counting. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-vote-message-after-the-show-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces former 49ers quarterback Steve Young, sitting there in the crowd. What a freakishly bizarre coincidence. I just mentioned him in last week's recap as part of a joke. Of all the names that I toss around in my recaps, that's the last guy I would expect to actually see. Well, I might as well strike while the iron is hot. I'm just gonna suggest some things I'd like to see throughout the recaps in the hopes they show up week. I'll put them in bold, so you know they're my suggestions. Because you just know that my suggestions are going to be that subtle. Anyway, Ryan asks Steve for some advice. "Just ignore all those gay rumors," he says. No, not really. Ryan does call Steve a stud, though. Uh oh. Matt's going to be really conflicted. I'm sure he idolizes Steve, but then to have his boyfriend flirt with him on television? How does he respond? Steve says, "It's all about harnessing the creative tension in your performance." Creative tension? Doesn't "creative tension" generally involve more than one person? And conflict? And…tension? Does this statement even mean anything? Am I stupid for not understanding what he's talking about? Will I stop recapping in question format? Have I turned into Donald Rumsfeld? Steve continues that Randy "gets it," but he's not sure Simon does. I find that amusing, inasmuch as the best example I could think of "harnessing the creative tension" of a song would be if Diana actually recognized the dramatic conflict within it, but she didn't, and Simon was the only one who even cared. Shut up, Steve. You, too, Randy. Randy is his own biggest cheerleader, both in volume, and…well, volume, if you catch my meaning.
up, Adam Baldwin and Ben Browder will wrestle in baby oil. Or, perhaps George Huff will sing. George grew up in the projects of New Orleans. Still. He loves music. Still. He sang in church. Still. He studied opera in college. We see a hysterical shot of him in costume for an opera, complete with a big waxy mustache. If his outfit was any indication, he played the title role in an opera about the meteoric rise and tragic fall of a famous marching band drum major. George talks about his former mustache, which he pronounces "mush-stash." He and his mush-stash had lengthy relationship ever since puberty. Sadly, they recently parted ways. All his friends called George and told him they like him better without the mush-stash. Meanwhile, the mush-stash was most recently seen in an item on Page Six, drunkenly making out with Paris Hilton on the sidewalk in front of Spice Market in New York.
Out in the audience, Ryan borrows Matt's brother's cowboy hat (I think that's him, anyway) and puts it on. It's too large to fit on Ryan's tiny squirrel monkey head. Ryan then introduces George to sing "I Can Love You Like That," one of those songs that is so generic that it's been produced as a successful country song, and then later as a successful pop song. George is already on the Seal, wearing a brown leather jacket, dark blue shirt, and black pants. "I Can Love You Like That" is a slow, romantic song, so we will not be seeing the Dip tonight. He starts off a bit rough, but gets into the song relatively quickly and croons out the rest. He's got a good, solid voice, as is typical. The hoarseness of his tone might become tiresome in the future, but I'm okay with it for now. He goes for a glory note, which I'm assuming is becoming part of the official rules, right after the part where the contestants each agree to give Simon Fuller a kidney if he needs one. It's okay, but he was doing just fine without it. The glory note, I mean, not the kidney. Anyway, George's performance shows that he can sing ballads just as well as up-tempo songs.
Judges. Randy says that this was the "serious George" without the church dancing and such. He says he didn't feel the "energy" of George, because he tried to get out of his box and must be punished. Stay in your box! Don't try to convince the judges that you're capable of a multi-faceted, nuanced repertoire! They don't want somebody who could have a lengthy career. They want somebody who can be quietly disposed of by this time year. Stay in your box! Paula disagrees with Randy and tells George he has the "sexiest voice ever." Simon says George is an example of somebody who has a connection with the song. The audience cheers. Simon adds that he has a problem with George's look. He says he looks like George is "totally in the hands of the stylists." Well, George dressing himself was one of the reasons everybody thought he was forty-four years old in the first place. Paula interrupts Simon to insult Simon's fashion sense. Shut up, Paula. Randy interrupts to ask if Simon wants George to dress like Ryan. Shut up, Randy. Simon says he means that George needs to find his own style, much like Ruben had his own style. A style that apparently resulted in lawsuits. I'm not sure we want to go that route. We cut to a cute guy in the audience holding a sign that reads, "Simon sez the truth." I guess the cameramen aren't fond of George's jacket, either.
George heads over to Ryan, who wipes the sweat off George's brow with his hand. Ugh. Ryan's sweat fetish returns. Maybe that's why he likes the big guys? They sweat more. Ryan asks George if he was at all worried about the theme being country. Because George is black and must therefore have never heard a country song anywhere, ever. George says he looked over the list and recognized this one song. Okay, well, maybe he doesn't know any country music. But still. Assumptions! They make an "ass" out of "u" and "mptions"! Ryan brings up the style issue. George admits that he does let the stylists pick out his clothes. Ryan blathers on about his own "style" and mentions he's got a pink handkerchief, which he's probably wearing to support some goofy kids in Newport Beach who got in trouble for wearing that shade. Because of dance gangs or something. I don't know. I read the story and couldn't stop laughing. I'll be very disappointed if they don't work a reference onto The O.C. Anyway, Ryan gives George's numbers.
up, Vin Diesel comes out wearing just a jock strap to announce that I've won the Pulitzer Prize. And after that is Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia comes from a musical family. Still. They all sing gospel music together. Still. The family tried to get their music produced, but apparently nobody was interested. Fantasia describes the problem as a "curse." She thinks that her success on American Idol has broken the curse. Don't get too ahead of yourself there, Fantasia. Anybody who cared about last year's post-season baseball might have some words of wisdom.
Ryan introduces Fantasia to the Seal to sing "Always on My Mind," by both Willie Nelson and Elvis. Actually, it turns out that Fantasia will not be on the Seal tonight, which is probably good for the whole "curse-breaking" thing. She's off on one of the wings of the stage wearing an elegant, sparkly black evening gown. And I've figured out my gimmick for the season. Certain contestants have a…well…polarizing affect on viewers. The whole "love 'em or hate 'em" thing. Last season we just had Clay and Ruben causing all this. Now, it seems like half the finalists are in this situation. So I'm going to do two performance recaps: One for folks who like the contestant, and one for folks who hate the contestant. Just find the one that matches your opinion and read it. After all, isn't the point of criticism to validate everybody's opinions?
If you like Fantasia: This is a huge change from Fantasia's performances. She's not bopping around the stage, hamming it up for the audience. Instead, she stands at the microphone and sings and elegant, nuanced performance. Her personality still shines through with her gestures and facial expressions. And she, unlike Diana, understands that this song has a melancholy edge to it and it shows in her eyes. Her vocals are excellent -- she holds a few notes, but doesn't go overboard and try to be melodramatic. Her best performance so far on the show.
If you don't like Fantasia: Fantasia shows she can still be overdramatic while standing in just one spot. She croons "Always on My Mind" while waving her arms around -- even gesturing along with lyrics at one point. Always inadvisable. The reason why Debra tries to undo the "gospel jaw" becomes clear every time Fantasia holds a note. Vibrato seeps in due to the wobbling, making her rather shrill voice even more unpleasant to listen to.
Judges. Randy will allow Fantasia out of her box, even though he wouldn't let George. He thought it was an amazing, controlled performance, and thinks Fantasia could sing anything well. Paula loves Fantasia's dress and the way she gave a more subdued performance. Since Randy doesn't order Fantasia back into her box, it falls upon Simon to do so. He says that Fantasia has proven that she's not a "one-trick pony," but he says the reason everybody loves her (assuming you love her) is because she's fun and youthful and loud and quirky. Which is also the reason that everybody apparently hates her. He says it looks like Fantasia's mother dressed her tonight. Fantasia shoots back, "Simon, you don't know class!" If you like Fantasia: She's being playful. If you don't like Fantasia: She's being an uppity bitch. Everybody talks at once. Simon tells Fantasia not to be "old" in her performances, while pointing at Paula for emphasis. Heh. Fantasia gets in the last word, saying she proved she can sing something different and "get down with the get down." She heads over to Ryan, where she pretends as though Simon's comments made her cry. If you like Fantasia: She's just having fun. If you don't like Fantasia: She's just pretending at the pretending and is really pissed that Simon would dare criticize her. We cut to Simon, who is giving us The Middle Finger That Rocked The World. Or maybe just The Middle Finger That Rocked The Drudge Report. He's resting his head on his middle finger again. It's clearly unintentional. He's been doing it since the first season. Ryan gives us Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. FOX announces that Futurama has been uncancelled.
When we return, Ryan shows off that big fancy monitor in the background. He asks the techs to put something up to show us that it works. Because, you know, we haven't seen it in action or anything. Pong magically appears. Ryan asks them to put up something that would cause "sensory overload." Hey, it's Un Chien Andalou after all! Oh, actually, it's that skit from last season featuring Simon and Paula kissing. Well, at least watching it makes you feel as though your eyes are being sliced open.
up is John Stevens, whom Ryan calls "teeny tiny," like he's one to talk. John's mom tells us that John was born with red hair. Shockingly, John's family tree is full of redheads. Do you think that might be more than just a coincidence? I wonder if science can explain this strange trend of inheriting certain features from your ancestors. John tells us he hated having red hair because old ladies wanted to touch it. And now everybody wants to touch it. He must be thrilled now. He says he's gotten more "confidence" because more girls are noticing him and responding to him now that he's famous. This will end in tears, I tell you. He says he's gradually coming out of his shell.
Ryan introduces John to sing "King of the Road." John is sitting at the front of the stage right in front of the judges, wearing a dark blazer, blue shirt, and jeans. If you like John: John has found a great song to work with his voice. He's a lot more comfortable in front of the camera, and his performance has a bouncy, confident tone to it that has been missing for the past few weeks. We even see Simon snapping along to the performance. John improvises the last verse with some mild scatting.
If you don't like John: Has somebody been taking ham lessons from Matt and Jon? It's hard to look like you're giving an effortless performance when you've meticulously choreographed every single look and gesture. He out-robots Diana in this performance. In fact, it looks like somebody took a televised performance from Roger Miller and used technology to replace him with John instead. His vocals are okay and certainly smoother than they were last week, but he's still boring. He forgets the words at the end, probably because he's trying to remember exactly when he's supposed to turn his back to the audience and sing rakishly over his own shoulder.
Judges. As the audience cheers, we can actually hear Simon say, "So what are you going to say this time, Jackson?" Somebody turned on their microphones a few seconds early. They should do that every week. Be interesting to see what they say. Randy says that even though John forgot the words at the end, Randy really enjoyed his performance. Also, he forgot the words at the end. Paula is proud of John's performance, even though he forgot the words at the end. They're the ones bringing it up over and over again. I'm not being a jerk about it. Well, not this one time. Simon says, "Well, on the bright side, you only forgot the words in front of thirty million people." Hey, that's not a very bright side at all! Smart-ass. Simon reminds us that everybody either loves John or hates him. God, don't I know it. Simon still likes John, though. He adds that John is probably the worst dancer they've ever had on the show. He also says John really needs to get his personality out there more on the show, because this season is as much about personality as it is about performance. I wasn't aware that "pink" now qualified as a personality. Simon's doing that middle finger again while he's talking. Slowly he changes fingers to his index finger. I can almost imagine one of the producers just off-camera, waving furiously to Simon and pointing to the finger.
John heads over to Ryan, who asks him how he's feeling. He's fine. How's the mansion? It's fine. Yeah, he's really showing off that personality, isn't he? Then Ryan does that bad interviewing thing of starting to ask John about forgetting the lyrics and then answering the question himself by pointing out that John has to think fast. This pretty much leaves John agreeing that yes, he has to think fast. Ryan gives us John's numbers.
Commercials. Management announces to all those annoying losers in the Burger King commercials that their jobs have been moved overseas. Buh-bye!
When we return, Ryan pimps the web site to the judges table as Randy flashes the "hang loose/devil horns" sign at the camera repeatedly. Shut up, Randy's hands. It's time for Camile Velasco. Camile was born in the Philippines and moved to America when she was a year old. Camile's mom says that Camile was her first-born and is therefore very "clingy." I thought it was the youngest child who was supposed to be clingy? Camile's biological dad lives in Japan and is in the Navy. We see a shot of him watching the show on television, so they must have a cordial relationship. But now she has a step-dad, and they get along well, too. That makes me feel so zzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry. I want a Jerry Springer family here, people! Does he wear women's underwear? If not, I don't give a damn. Camile's younger siblings zzzzzzz. When Camile comes into a room, her younger sister zzzzzzzzz. Her younger sister sings along with the zzzzzzzzzz. Little sister wants to be a star just like zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Ryan introduces Camile to the stage to sing "Desperado." Eeh. She sits on a drinking fountain stool wearing jeans, a green shirt, and gray jacket. Behind her, the monitor appears to be giving us close-up of cobblestone sidewalks that have been painted bright pink. Yikes. Did they go to Amy's house or something? Camile's performance is weak. Really weak. She can't hold a single note steady, and I'm not talking about melisma. She's vibrating everything all over the place. I'm afraid she's going to fall off the stool or something. I can't understand a single word of the lyrics in the bridge. "The queen of hearts is all eeshoobabaaaates." It should be "The queen of hearts is always your best bet." I'm sure the captioners are thrilled to have the lyrics in advance.
Judges. Randy walks the path of the "a'ight." He says her performance sounded a little "jerky." Paula starts off by saying that she loves Camile's voice, which means that the performance was bad but Paula won't say as much. She says that Camile's "R&B" sound that they foisted upon her in the initial auditions is coming back. Keep looking for that box, Camile! Yeah, apparently you never brought that box in the first place, but it's the one you've been stuck in. Be the box! Simon says that it's not always easy to tell how something sounds live, but he has a feeling that Camile's performance is going to sound out of tune to the folks back home. He's right. And interestingly, nobody boos. I have a feeling she sounded a bit out of tune there, too. Simon adds that he really thinks Camile's nerves are becoming a serious problem. She looks uncomfortable, which is causing us discomfort watching her. Oh, Simon. You overestimate our empathy. Well, mine, anyway. Randy agrees with Simon. Paula disagrees. Camile heads over to Ryan, who asks her how she feels. She feels fine. What about those nerves? What is it like those very last seconds before walking out? Hey, he didn't try to answer the question for her! Baby steps, Ryan. Camile says that she gets really scared at first, but then the music kicks in right away and you just need to get into it. Or not, in Camile's case. Ryan gives us her numbers.
Now we've got a gap to fill up, because we've got one less contestant on a two-hour show. Let's sell shit! We cut to some filmed nonsense of the kids all hanging around the pool of their mansion, probably to get away from all the (alleged) vermin chewing through the furniture inside. They whine that they're bored. LaToya whines that it doesn't feel like summer. Because it's March. Also, Southern California is seeing record highs anyway, so it's twice as stupid. Suddenly, Joan Rivers shows up out of nowhere to entertain them with her addled jokes and hysterical red carpet gaffes. Oh, wait. My mistake. It's "fashion" "expert" Steven Cojocaru. I always get the two of them confused. They look and sound so much alike! He's back again this year to pimp really cheap, crappy fashions from [product-placed clothing store with increasingly tiresome commercials]. The kids pose. Steven tells us that the kids all have their own personalities. You know, I want to mock him for the obviousness of that statement, but he's actually wrong. Steven says that Amy is "Kelly Osbourne meets Sandra Dee." Because Joanne Worley, while more accurate, isn't pretty enough to be a fashion reference. Like Kelly is. He claims that Jon has a "rocker vibe." Ha. See, that's just like when Joan calls an actor by the wrong name. Steven forces LaToya to give him air kisses. He makes Jasmine show off a "lounge pose." These kids are clearly just humoring this moron. Just like Joan! Camile and Fantasia are entwined together on one of the lounge chairs. Well, that was an unexpected moment of homoeroticism. Maybe I've got the wrong couple with the whole Matt and Ryan thing. Or maybe they're all gay, just like the religious right says. Then the Fab Five show up and push Steven into the pool. And give the kids real makeovers. And Thom asks me to marry him.
Commercials. You know, is much as I like to swoon over cute boys, the commercials for The Prince & Me remind me that I'm not one of those gay guys who is actually a fourteen-year-old girl. If I ever wind up in a theater watching Julia Stiles unwittingly dating a prince, I can only hope somebody puts me out of my misery.
When we return, Ryan bugs some Australian women in the audience with instructions on how to text message your vote. Text messaging costs money. If you have a plan, chances are pretty good that actually phoning in your vote is free. If you're smart enough to know how to use the text messaging, you're smart enough to know that this is a really dumb reason to use it. I think I've only used text messaging on my phone three times, and only to send my boss important messages when he's in a meeting out of town. The phone Ryan uses looks like it only has six numbers on it. Maybe Hollywood folks have some numbers removed to make sure they don't accidentally call the Valley or something embarrassing like that.
Our performer is Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer was "the little one" in her family. In comparison to sister Julia, who is rather Rubenesque (heh, pun totally intended). Her mother actually took Jennifer to the hospital as a child, worried that she was too skinny. The doctors prescribed her a regimen of beauty magazines to disabuse her of this crazy notion of "too skinny." Then Jennifer grew up and puberty hit and her metabolism changed and she got fat. That's exactly what happened to me. Except that she lost the weight. I did not. Dammit.
Ryan introduces Jennifer to the Seal to sing "No One Else on Earth." She has straightened her hair. I barely even notice her singing, so much do I end up staring at her hair. Why did she do it? Her hair was fine. Pretty! It was her clothes that were doing her wrong. Her hair helped her stand out, and now she looks just like all the other princesses. Fashion-wise, though, I think it's an improvement -- an awesome leather duster along with a simple white blouse and jeans. Well, maybe the new hair goes better with the outfit. But I still liked the old hair. Oh, the singing? You want to know about the singing. Please see: Camile. Jennifer is just all over the place with the notes, not quite on-pitch, and she doesn't sound all that good. She rocks out on the choruses, but she's just not sounding that solid or confident. She looks confident, though, although I guess that look of permanent surprise on her face when she sings is not going to be going away anytime soon. As a background graphic, the earth is consumed by a noxious red gas. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. That's the actual background graphic. And once again, Jennifer sounds absolutely terrible right at the end, going off the pitch, off the key, and off the entire map.
Judges. Randy says she started off a little safe, but got into it. He says she sounded "pitchy" at the end, but overall it was a good performance. He likes that Jennifer's hair was struck with conformititis. Paula agrees about the hair. She also thinks Jennifer is still holding back a bit with her personality. Well, whenever her personality shows through, she's not exactly rewarded (see also: first appearance in semifinals; last week's performance). Paula gets booed. Heh. I bet that's a new experience. Well, since she retired as a performer. Simon says he thinks Jennifer is out of her depth in this competition. Paula and Randy react as politely as you would imagine, shrieking in horror like a pair of harpies. Simon says that there are just better singers in the competition than Jennifer. Randy and Paula say they disagree. So they think Jennifer is the best singer in the competition? Which is why Randy just said she sounded pitchy. Shut up, you two. Randy asks if Simon is saying that Jennifer can't sing, and of course he isn't, and didn't I just tell you to shut up? Shut it. Zip it. You're an idiot. Simon explains that there are just better singers in the competition, and he doesn't think Jennifer is capable of competing with them. Randy says that out of the eleven left, he can think of five good ones, and Jennifer is one of them. I'm going to guess his five are LaToya, Diana, George, Jennifer, and Fantasia. Jennifer tells Simon that he hasn't seen her best yet, so he shouldn't judge too quickly. Considering that she nearly got ejected last week, perhaps she should hunt around behind the sofa and find the good stuff ASAP. She heads over to Ryan, who reminds us all that the people vote, not Simon, and gives us her numbers.
Commercials. An IRS representative appears on television to explain that there was a mistake in the system, and I don't, in fact, owe $500 this year. They're going to send me a $50,000 refund, which is more than I actually earned last year, but they think I deserve it.
When we return, it's time for Jon Peter Lewis. In his clip show, Jon pretends to play hide-and-seek with the camera. There's a special place in my heart for people who do that. Wait. Sorry. There's a special place in hell for people who do that. He tells us that he didn't do anything sweet is a kid: "It was all about me as a kid." Oh. As a kid. He says that, as a middle child, he craved attention and was really loud and obnoxious. Well, what's his excuse now? He says some people thought he was the devil. Nah. The devil is supposed to be charming or something like that. The audience laughs at a picture of Jon dressed like a li'l devil for Halloween. Jon says he was really competitive as a kid, and we see a bunch of shots of him in a soccer uniform. He says he's lightened up a bit, and we're forced to endure a couple of seconds of his spasms during wild card week. He says he likes to have fun now. We see him jumping out of some bushes like a twelve-year-old playing ninja. And then he makes faces at us. Don't you just want to take him in your arms and shake him until he knocks it off?
Ryan introduces Jon to the Seal to sing "She Believes in Me." He's wearing a brown striped shirt and black pants. His background graphic appears to be an animated cityscape at night reflected in a puddle. It looks like an establishing shot in an anime. These backgrounds are starting to get seriously strange. If you like Jon: Squeeee! He's so cute! Cute! Cute, cute, cuuuuute! Adorable! The way he looks into the camera? Cute! And he washed and straightened out his hair. He's cuter than ever! This is his cutest performance yet. Cute!
If you don't like Jon: Boy can't sing. At all. He's pitchy to the point that it sounds like he's going to start randomly changing keys. The lyrics don't flow together at all. He sounds like he's switching between his own voice and a John Denver impersonation and that damned Muppet-sounding voice he's got sometimes. If you think he's cute, fine. Go think he's cute. But why do I have to be tortured with his singing? What did I ever do to you?
The audience shrieks at Jon's performance as though he actually sounded good. If you like Jon: He did sound good. If you don't like Jon: Shut up, you. He sucks. Jon's cute blond brother is there in the audience and mouths his phone number to the camera so I can call him and we can arrange a date. Randy says that it's interesting that Jon didn't caper around like a stupid little dork, because he didn't think Jon's singing was all that good. He suggests that Jon should go back to his crazy dork box, because you have to stay in your box. Paula says she thinks Jon picked a "safe" song, which means that Paula thinks he sucks. Which means that Jon really, really, really sucks. Unless you like Jon. In which case, he was so cute! Paula tells him to not get so close to the microphone on the "power notes," because he's going a little flat. She says that it was a "good performance," which means he sucked rotten, diseased platypus eggs. Oh, who is that young woman sitting to cute blond Christian? I hope that's a friend or a relative and not a wife or girlfriend. I don't want to have to get all fandom-like and find reasons to hate her because she's not me. Simon says that Jon has an odd voice, but America seems to have fallen in love with him. He makes this statement with a funny "Aren't people just crazy sometimes?" tone of voice. He admits that he's puzzled by Jon's bizarre popularity, but then when he sees close-ups of Jon on the monitor, he looks like "that guy on The Waltons." You mean John Boy? Yes, that explains everything! Wait. What? Simon honestly thinks that's why Jon is getting a lot of votes. Because The Waltons are so popular with the kids these days. Paula chimes in that girls think Jon's adorable. Yes. But he can't sing. Jon heads over to Ryan, who asks him if he's having fun. He is. How does he think he did? He says it sounded different. People, even Jon knows he sucked. For the love of Jesus H. Roman, stop voting for him! Ryan gives us his numbers.
up is Jasmine Trias, who was a fat baby. She reminds us that she's multi-ethnic -- Filipino, Chinese, and Spanish. She used to cry a lot as a baby. She plays the piano. She made her own ukulele, because she loves her some Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee. Jasmine also has a cute brother. They could make a whole show revolving around the cute siblings of the contestants. Jasmine's brother loves her. Wow, this was even more boring than Camile's profile.
Ryan introduces Jasmine to the stage to sing "Breathe." She's wearing a simple red dress with square ruffles at the bottom. Her flower tonight is white. I wonder if they're mood flowers? The color indicates the mood Jasmine is in: white is serene, blue is calm, pink is unperturbed, peach is complacent. You know -- the whole gamut of Jasmine's many moods. Her voice is as bland and uninspired as it normally is. She warbles her way through the verses and is then off-pitch (sharp, I think) during the whole chorus. Every held note is like nails across the chalkboard. The whole performance is uninspired and dull.
Judges. Randy says Jasmine looks beautiful tonight, but he doesn't think it was her best performance. He thought it was pitchy, and the key just wasn't right for her. Paula agrees with Randy, but says she's had such "strong performances" that she doesn't think Jasmine will be hurt by this. Simon goes with the "safe" comments and the "mumsy and dadsy" thing, which I guess means that it's music that parents would listen to, not teens. He thinks Jasmine's performances are becoming a bit boring. Jasmine heads over to Ryan and hands him her microphone as she sits. Ryan looks at it in confusion for a moment, before Jasmine realizes she's supposed to keep it for the "interview." Heh, Jon did the same thing. And then there's no time for an interview. Ryan just gives her numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Matt Rogers. He was a chubby little baby. His mom washed him in the sink. We get to see pictures of this. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of TWoP t-shirts is going to be paying for my therapy. Bring on the beard: Matt tells us that he had his first girlfriend when he was five years old. Awww. You know what they say about boys who were friends with girls as kids? They're gay. He reminds us about how his older brother Tim was his best friend, and they used to sleep in the same bed together. Tim tells us that Matt is kind of like Forrest Gump. Is he talking about how I hate him? No, Tim means that good things just happen to Matt. Then he tells us that Matt "makes things happen." Then he tells us that things happen to Matt for a reason. Dude, which is it? Is it fate, God, or Matt doing all these things? Pick an explanation and stick with it. Matt reminds us some more that he loves his brother.
Ryan introduces Matt to the Seal to sing "Amazed." Blech. Hate that song. If you like Matt: You're out of luck. Seriously, I can't pretend to like Matt. And it doesn't matter anymore. If you don't like Matt: Matt starts the song sitting cheesily on the edge of the stage, staring into the camera while he sings with a creepy smile. Stop staring into the camera, people! You do not "make a connection" with the audience by staring creepily at them with your head tilted. The Hair seems to have fallen asleep from the dullness of the performance. Matt gets up and wanders over to the center of the stage, singing cheesily the whole time. His voice just has no depth or any interesting qualities at all. He keeps his head tilted for the entire song. Overall: Meh. At least he doesn't look he's going to kill anybody.
Judges. Randy asks if Matt's nervous. Matt says he's not -- he just wanted to bring out his softer side. Ryan likes that sort of thing sometimes. It's not always whips and chains. Randy says he liked it, and he thinks Matt had good vocals this week. Randy points out that Matt has a lot of female fans. Matt says, "I do?" in the same confused tone of voice I would say if somebody told me that I had a lot of female fans who thought I was cute. Some woman holds up a sign that says, "Matt, can I make a pass at you?" Oh, that's just so clever. A football reference! See, because Matt was a football player. Oh, the layers. Paula says it's great that Matt's in touch with that "female energy," because it makes his performances more intimate. Randy agrees, calling Matt "a man's man's man." Did they just out Matt? Paula incorrectly thinks that Matt crooned well and was more subdued. Matt faux-chipperly greets Simon with, "Hi, Dad." Simon looks like he's about at the end of his rope with Matt and his cheesiness. Don't let him get to you, Simon! He's trying to piss you off to make himself look good for Ryan. He insists that he likes Matt, but the way he started singing with his creepy smile made it look like he was performing at some "ghastly children's party." He declares the performance "nauseating" and "horrible." Paula theorizes that Simon is jealous of Matt. Oh, please. Like Simon couldn't get Ryan back with a snap of his fingers and a promise of more airtime. Simon says that Matt's performance was a "sell-out" and that's what the show has become tonight, because everybody is picking sweet, boring songs. They all argue about Matt's smiling for awhile. Simon lies at the end that he loves Matt. Matt lies that he loves Simon. Matt heads over to his boytoy, who asks him what he thinks about the whole thing. Matt loves the audience and being the center of attention. He says he's not going to stop smiling. Ryan gives Matt's numbers as the Hair begins to snore.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces us to Joshua Gracin in the audience. He has apparently discovered the joys of Metamucil, if his weight loss and smile are any indication. He doesn't even look like he's going to kill anybody anytime soon. He's wearing a black patterned shirt that looks like he stole it from Ryan's closet. Because there is no God, Joshua's got a new album coming out in June and a single playing on country radio called "I Wanna Live." There's a military joke here that's just so offensive that I don't think I want to share it. Let's just say it involves current events and the reasons why Josh entered the competition in the first place. Ryan asks how Josh is going to balance all this with his military service. Josh says his four-year enlistment ends in September, and he's going to leave and start a music career. Yeah, that's what he thinks. I guess that stop-loss order hasn't hit the Marines yet? Josh reminds us that last year he sang "Ain't Goin' Down 'Til the Sun Comes Up." Coincidentally, that's the song our performer is going to sing.
And that would be LaToya London. LaToya tells us she was a tomboy as a child, always playing with the boys. There are lots of childhood pics, including one of her wearing an Indian headdress. She does wacky faces, too! Including one of Fireman Bill from In Living Color. She's wacky! He's wacky! Everybody's wacky! Except for the princesses, who are pink and cute and dull. LaToya was a jock in school. She's still a bit of a jock, and we see her playing racquetball somewhere. She says that she mixes together her girly side and her sporty side. She's two Spice Girls in one!
Ryan introduces LaToya to school Josh on how to sing country music. I love this performance simply because she's better than him at it. LaToya starts standing in the audience behind the judges, wearing a denim dress with a slit in the front that's cut a teensy bit too close to her…uh…sin wagon. She's pretty good, and I can at least understand half of the lyrics this time, Josh, but the background singers are trying their hardest to drown her out. There are some flaws in her voice as well -- she's not entirely comfortable with this extremely fast-paced song, and it shows in some pitchiness. But she has a lot of a fun with the song and has a great energy level. I still don't think she's performed as well as she did in the semifinals yet. She gets a stock montage of spinning gears and such as her background visuals.
Judges. Randy says it was an incredible performance. Paula says it was the most fun performance of the evening. She says LaToya reminds her of a young Gladys Knight. Simon says simply, "That's what I was waiting for." He says she took a risk and it paid off. He liked her profile, because it showed that she didn't come off as "old," which Simon had worried about in earlier appearances. LaToya heads over to Ryan and slides up carefully onto the drinking fountain stool and quickly crosses her legs so we all don't see if she's got Hanes Her Way on or what. Ryan says that he saw Simon clapping along with a song for the first time ever, which I'm sure is not true, but I don't feel like looking back through the old recaps to find out. Ryan gives her numbers.
Pointless filler! Yay! They send the kids to line dance lessons. This segment is particularly pointless because they don't end up doing anything at all with what they "learn" here. The kids arrive at some incredibly overdecorated Western bar that you know is really secretly owned by a couple of Jewish dentists from Connecticut. They all dance crazily. There's one point where it looks like Fantasia is hitting Jon while he writhes around on the stage. Do it again! Do it again! There's a montage of line dancing incompetence. Matt tells us he can't dance because he just had surgery on his foot. He hurt it kicking Ryan for flirting with the mailman. Some woman named Marie Del Giorgio comes in to show us why she teaches line dancing and not, say, acting. She bugs her eyes out and tells them all who she is with all the melodrama of William Shatner performing Hamlet's soliloquy. And she's wearing way too much blush. She asks if any of them have line danced before. Jon volunteers that he learned line dancing in P.E. class. Yikes. I remember how I had to learn square dancing in P.E. when I was in fourth grade. It didn't go well. She says that they're all going to need cowboy boots. Where are they going to get cowboy boots? Suddenly Fantasia shrieks something that sounds like "Myyyyyyaaaaaa!" Is she going to bring cowboy boots? Are her boots, like, whoa? We cut to some strange guy who says he collects cowboy boots as he holds a couple of pairs. Who the hell was he? What the hell? Where did he come from? Where did he go? What the hell is going on? After they all put the boots on, Marie makes cowboy hats appear on the kids' heads through the magic of really bad editing. The kids continue to learn line dancing. They dance along to "My Achy, Breaky Heart" and torture me. Won't somebody ease my pain, like Paul Rudd showing up at my door with booze and Advil? Yes, I know that's not specifically a wish for something happening on the show. And also that Paul is married. I don't care. Shut up.
Commer…oh Roman, not yet. Jesus. This show never ends. First, the stupid [product-placed cola] interviews in Pimp Central. LaToya, was line dancing hard? A little bit, but she was up for the challenge. Would she do it again? Sure. Diana, what's harder -- singing country or dancing country? She says dancing country, because Industrial Light and Music has to set up that guy with the ninja suit covered with ping-pong balls and teach him to dance before they can program Diana properly. She says that you need to find "the redneck inside" in order to dance. That would be Joe, the guy wearing the ninja suit and serving as Diana's motion model. And he'll have you know that just because he's from Alabama, that doesn't make him white trash, dammit. Ryan asks Camile if she found the redneck within. She says she did. Ryan points out that John doesn't think of himself as a dancer, and wonders if that's changed now that he's had line dancing lessons. John just stands there for a few moments, then finally spits out amusingly, "Yeah, why not?" Good delivery there, John. You've almost got a personality. Ryan reminds us that Amy is still to perform before sending us to commercials.
Oh, and thank you so much, H&R Block, for tormenting me with your commercials promising "Get the maximum refund or it's free." I went to you guys and I still owed money! Oh, woe is me. Now I'll never be able to afford those calf implants.
When we return, it's finally time for Amy Adams. She's wacky! When she was a kid, she couldn't pronounce "music," so she said "oogitz" instead. Wacky! When she was a kid, she asked her mom if she could have a mullet. Wacky! Mom said she couldn't, thank Roman. Amy says she's always wanted to be in front of the camera. She goes, "Look at me! Aren't I fun!" in the same little parody voice I used to use whenever Kimberly Caldwell was on stage. Well, at least Amy is self-aware about it. And wacky! Mom tells us Amy was a really nice child who once asked her if they could give some shoes to a boy in school who didn't have any shoes. Wasn't that some awful Christmas song? Was he dying? Amy says that she hasn't always been able to give people what they need, but what she can give is her music. Which nobody really needs. But hey, if it makes her feel like she's actually giving something, who am I to say otherwise?
Ryan introduces Amy to the Seal to sing "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks. Amy is wearing a sparkly red-orange camisole with a dangling sash and jeans. This is the perfect song for her to show that she doesn't just stand and belt. She's doing the opposite of George and Fantasia this week. It's a high-energy song with fun (and naughty) lyrics that works perfectly for Amy's range. She adds a country twang to the song which she doesn't normally have, which kind of bugs. But her vocals are very solid otherwise, certainly better than when she tries to mimic Celine. Apparently they changed a line about "mattress dancing" to "crazy dancing," which is kind of funny, considering they left in the line in LaToya's performance about having sex in a pickup truck. I guess they figured nobody was going to make that out in the rapid-fire lyrics. I wouldn't have, were it not for our lovely captioners. Thanks, captioners! Anyway, a very excellent performance from Amy, probably the best of the evening.
Judges. Randy says that this is clearly Amy's style of music. It's the best performance she's given, and he thinks Amy should pursue a country music career. In the audience, we see that members of Amy's family have gotten pink streaks in their hair to show solidarity. Also, her boyfriend is still cute. Paula says that Amy is "in the pocket" of tonight's theme (?), and adds that Amy picked a song that shows who she truly is. Paula thinks that if Amy released the song as a single, it would hit the top of the country charts. Simon, stuck with an excellent performance from a contestant he doesn't really like, goes after the song instead, because Rupert would get mighty upset if one of his more notable network personalities said nice things about a Dixie Chicks song. He says he doesn't "get" what the song is about. This was the first time I had ever heard the song, too, but it was pretty obviously about a woman going out, getting drunk, having fun, and getting laid. It's not like we're listening to Beck or Laurie Anderson here. Amy tries to get Simon to say that the song was fun, but he won't because of whatever. I still don't understand why he can like the song LaToya sang, which is almost undecipherable, and not this one, which is essentially the same song, but from a woman's point of view. Amy heads over to Ryan and decides to put a good spin on Simon by convincing herself that she left him "speechless." Yeah, yeah. Sure. Ryan points out that her family has all gone pink in the audience, before giving us Amy's numbers.
Following a commercial break, Ryan rushes us through the clip recap and reminds us all to vote. For which recapper Goran Visnjic should marry. (Hint: The correct answer rhymes with "cares.") ["And so it was that, moments after receiving a large raise, Shack was killed by Heathen." -- Sars]
Wednesday. The results show is back to it's normal level of padding so let's get this churned out. I have a hot Hollywood premiere to attend. Okay, now I'm just fantasizing. Melodramatic Announcer reminds us melodramatically that somebody's going to get cut tonight. He doesn't sound well. I think all the melodrama is getting to his voice. Try that olive oil trick, Melodramatic Announcer!
Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal in a boring beige suit. There are lots more signs in the audience during the results show. They probably do that so that they don't distract too much on performance night. Ryan tells us that once again the show set Tuesday night ratings records for FOX. Also, they got the highest vote numbers for a non-finale show, 19.5 million votes cast. Ryan reminds us that we're going to "destroy somebody's life" tonight because we didn't love them enough. Thanks for reminding me of my last relationship, Ryan. He quickly introduces the judges, because we don't have time for stupid jokes. Then he points out the contestants, sitting on the Sofas of Relief.
The in-show recap actually starts from the end and works backward, promoting Amy's and LaToya's performances. They ignore Simon's comments to Amy. Camile was awful. If you like Jon: He was cute! If you hate Jon: He was awful! Jasmine was boring. Jennifer inspired more arguments. Simon dusted off the "ghastly" for Matt's performance. Fantasia talked back. John forgot the words. Everybody else sang, too.
Our parade of former contestants continues tonight with Kimberley Locke. Ryan introduces her by telling us that she's the first AI finalist to have a single debut at the top of the sales charts. The song is titled "Eighth World Wonder," and Kimberley is here to sing it for us. She heads out to the Seal in a navy blue jacket, a purple camisole with patterns on it, and jeans. I haven't heard the recorded version of this song, but her live performance is just not that good. She starts off a little breathy and pitchy with the verses. And then she positively shrieks the chorus. It's a nice, inoffensive pop love song with a guitar and a drum machine. Oh goodness. The bridge of the song is awful. Even worse than the one for "Miss Independent." The lines are shouted in this unpleasant monotone. I can only assume that the recorded version of this song is better, because damn, that wasn't good. On the other hand, because of this performance, we don't have to watch an awful country medley. When she's done, Ryan comes out and asks the judges what they think. Randy checks in from Planet Slang to say that Kimberley is a hot bad girl who's got it going on. Paula says it was amazing. Simon jokes that he thinks Kimberley will make it through to the week. Ryan allows Kimberley to pimp her new album, which comes out May 4.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to pull down the three with the lowest votes. Yay! God, I love these thirty-minute shows. John did well or didn't do well, depending how you feel about him. But he's safe. Ditto Fantasia. Matt was obnoxiously cheesy, and America agreed. He's in the bottom three. I was really shocked. I expected it to take several more weeks before his charms wore thin. LaToya did well, though not as well as the judges said. Still, she's safe. Everybody loves George, and he's safe. Jasmine was boring, but she's safe. Jon can't sing, but he's cute, so he's safe. Camile sang as though her mouth was full of marbles. She's in the bottom three. I love the angry theme-song callback on the guitar that plays whenever somebody gets sent to the Seal. Awahawahawahawah! That's what it sounds like. Like the guitar is bursting into angry tears. Jennifer was blah, but she's safe. That leaves Diana and Amy. Ryan's recap of the judges' comments ignores Simon's critical comments about Diana.
Before they announce who made it to the bottom three, it's time for another stupid [product-placed car company] skit. "Love Shack" plays as the kids all head to some old warehouse in their [product-placed SUVs]. Although cute, I'm also sure this isn't a shout-out, because I can't imagine why the people who put these things together would ever send me props for refusing to pimp for their sponsors. All I ask is a truckload of money. Is that too much? Look, you've already got the trucks. The kids find a magic [product-placed truck] inside that unfolds to create some sort of stage. Weird. The kids all dance on it. John plugs something in and gets "electrocuted," and his hair turns into a red wig all standing on end. [Product-placed truck]: When you need to haul dead trees -- and then need a place to dance the running man for all your friends.
Commercials. Jon Harmon Feldman apologizes for creating Tru Calling and promises to never write for television ever again.
When we return, Ryan pimps that damned web site contest some more. Nobody cares! Ryan finally reveals that Diana is in the bottom three. Yay! Maybe Industrial Light and Music's budget can't support keeping Diana in the contest much longer, so they're preparing to let her go. She joins Camile and Matt on the Seal. Camile is working the pink tonight. At least one of the princesses is required to wear pink at all times. Ryan asks Paula what she thinks. She says she's a bit surprised at the results. She's surprised to see Diana there because the note she held was "groundbreaking." Yes, that last one. What about all the notes that came before it, Paula? The bad ones? Jesus H. Roman. She tells Camile that she needs to "express having fun" on stage, even though she's been shoved into a musical style that she didn't actually choose for herself and is constantly being criticized for not conforming to it. But she should have fun anyway! Paula says that Matt has a beautiful smile, and she thinks it's ridiculous that Simon told him he shouldn't smile while he's singing. Now that Paula has used up all the time they have, Ryan rushes Simon through some comments. Randy can just go play with his chew toy, I guess. Simon says he's not surprised about the two girls being down there, and thinks that Matt blew it with his song choice. Interestingly, nobody boos.
The time comes for Ryan to let somebody off the hook. Diana is safe. She's sent back to the Sofas of Relief. That leaves Camile and Matt to wait for the axe to fall.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan doesn't waste much time in telling us that Camile is safe. Matty is going home. His parade has been thoroughly rained on. He thanks us all and the judges, singling out Simon for passive-aggressive thanks. We watch his final clip show as The Guitar of Acting as Though Matt Just Died plays sadly. He sings opera. He hams it up. He flirts with Ryan. He takes the spot that should have gone to Lisa Leuschner. He talks about all his feelings. Ew. He says that after he made it, he found a new feeling, one made up of anxiety, pressure, joy, relief, and other things, all rolled into one. He says this new emotion doesn't have a name. I like to refer to it as "eufamewhoria." Kind of like "euphoria," but, you know, fame-whorish. He says he doesn't want it to end. But it has. The Guitar of Treating You Like You're Dead says so.
Back onstage, they cut to some unidentified woman in the audience, who I think we're supposed to think is his girlfriend, but that just doesn't make any sense. Ryan gives Matt the microphone for his sing-out. He starts singing "Amazed," and then wanders down to the judges' table, singing, "Simon, when you touch me, I see how much you love me." Then he reaches out and strokes Simon's ear. Heh. Just had to get that last passive-aggressive dig in at the boyfriend's evil ex.
week: The voters eject Jon. Don't let me down.