Tuesday
Gilmore Girls: awesome, if cracked out. Veronica Mars: best show on TV. Amazing Race: Whoa. American Idol: one of the worst nights this season. Tuesdays are hard enough in this household. After one more shot at Scott's departure being overridden by Paula's barnaCraggle, there's an outpouring of love for Miss Paula, and then we get to the business of revealing this week's themes: The first is "Nashville" and the second is "The Sound of Philly," meaning songwriting duo Gamble and Huff. Who are they? Trust me. You think you don't know, but you know. Also, the families of the Four all have taped messages for the contestants for the first half, and then there are some kind of icky messages from the contestants to their parents for the second songs. Fake Awwww is nothing to me and there is a boatload of it tonight.
Carrie sings "Sin Wagon," Dixie Chicks, and she's awesome at it, although I'm not familiar enough to know whether she's just singing it like they do. It sounds pretty good to my relatively virgin ears, and she's adorable singing it, andâ¦the song is kind of awesome and she doesn't mind the lyrics, which I've noticed nobody does when it's country. The judges love it, love it, love it. Simon calls it the equivalent of her "singing in the shower," because it's so effortless. Agreed, although I'm a little creeped out by the comment, which seems more suited to A-Fed, the way this show has been going.
Mikalah's in the audience, as are other past contestants and Bo's parents and insane grandmother. He sings a slow, boring song I don't know -- but I like it very much, as a song -- that is very Bo, and he's about the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I finally get it. Don't quote me. The judges think he was awesome, but note the boringness of the song, and his crazy grandmother threatens to murder Simon with Bo's mother's shoe, and he and Ryan are very, very awkward with each other.
Vonzell sings Trisha Yearwood/That Girl's "How Do I Live," or "that song from the ass-terrible movie," and I get confused because not only is she not going last, but also it is not good. Kind of awful, actually. She forgets the words and scrapes her bottom-out range and is terrible. The judges hate it, but then Paula does some emotional processing, and Vonzell bursts into tears, and it's fairly awful and painful to see (Simon's speechless) but I believe it, and I want to give her a hug. Which equals votes for Vonzell, so good.
A-Fed and his parents continue the parental overemotional lovefest, and thenâ¦something really upsetting happens. Picture if you will Anthony Fedorov, in a tight, fitted denim shirt, wearing tight jeans, pumping rhythmically up and down, while he sings hisâ¦song. It's called "I'm Already There," and it's one of those automatically bullshit songs where the little boy talks to Daddy and Daddy says he's "the sunshine in your hair and the whisper in the wind," and oh my God. It's bullshit! Bullshit with sexy faces, singing about prayer. I'm not gross, I'm just telling you what was going on, which is that there's the visual, which is one thing, and the audio, which sure as fuck better be something else, and I can't be the only person who saw a problem there, andâ¦ugh. Justâ¦Yikes. To the infinite power. Paula would prefer that he choose more challenging songs, I would like less mixed messages, and Simon would like a moratorium on the cynical family stuff all of a sudden, but basically they all like it.
Carrie then sings "If You Don't Know Me By Now," a song I can't help but love in the way I normally love A-Fed songs, and she's singing it really country, and it really works. She also looks beautiful. I try to imagine Vonzell singing in this key and it would not sound as good, not that that really matters, except that I do know that Vonzell WOULD sing it in this key, and that would be the problem. She sings the hell out of the song, in my opinion, and then Randy and Paula hate it, and Simon calls it basically a fuck-up. They are wrong. It's different in the studio, I think. To wit:
Bo sings "For the Love of Money" by the O'Jays, a song in which I could not have less interest if it were the ad song for my local Mazda dealership. And this song isn't really about the vocal anyway, so all I can say is that he continues to be Bo, which is good, but the sunglasses are back, bad, and the outfit will have to wait for the recap because there are too many words. The crowd goes insane forever, and the judges are hyperbolic to the point where I wish they'd approach zero by shutting the hell up.
Vonzell then totally rocks the hell out of "Don't Leave Me This Way," even though there are some spotty parts. Mostly, she does that bottom-of-the-range thing but it sounds pretty good. One of the best performances to watch, and you can tell she's pleased at the end, which is lovely. Simon calls it "manic" and says it makes him nervous, but the judges are still really sweet, and Ryan is a doll about it.
Anthonyâ¦also sings "If You Don't Know Me," and that is just rampant send-me-home bullshit. Even though his rendition is better, in arrangement and emotion, the judges know as well as I do that they're just screwing around now with the formula: put him last, a good spot, but then give him the same song as America's Sweetheart. It's weird.
There's review, and then Bo making funny faces, and Carrie and Ryan looking at each other like, "Girlâ¦" which was actually the best part of the show. I have no idea what happens tonight, but all I know is that, freakishly, A-Fed actually did the best job, followed by Carrie, and thus I think he will be going home because it's all crazy right now. We shall see.
Wednesday
Vonzell and A-Fed look uproariously happy, while Carrie and Bo look freaked out and pissed. It's interesting. Ryan's dressed for his Fisher & Diaz interview, asks who we voted for, and points out the judges: "We know who they liked!" but I don't think we really do, because they were all bearing crazy Big Brother trickledown false witness with the producers' hands up them.
I believe: it was Carrie's best night so far, Bo was awesome on his first song but sucked on the second, and A-Fed did the best of anybody. All of which is the exact opposite opinion from the rest of the world. Carrie had a real girl's body; real live Bo was back, his grandmother crazy/beautiful; Vonzell screwed the pooch like Natasha Lyonne, and then lost her shit live, also like Natasha Lyonne; and A-Fed sang a song guaranteed to piss me and Simon off. Second go-round, Bo and the polloi made love to clichés; Vonzell brought it back with a damn vengeance; Carrie was awesome and got sold out, but had some glorious "emotions"; and A-Fed was called good but soulless. Per Ryan, they "rocked and rolled with country and soul." Oh, kiddo.
The Idols sing "Islands In The Stream," a fun song if ever there was one, and are all very loving with each other, and Bo for another week running was the superstar of all people. Is there anything cuter-slash-more terrifyingly Aryan than the Starship Troopers-ness of Carrie and Anthony singing together? They have to sing about "making love to each other (uh huh)" and it's more disturbing for them than anybody. Carrie's not good, Bo is of course great (though his mic is possibly not even on the whole time), Vonzell is lovely, and I can't hear Anthony at all. He's wearing this frayed-lapel jacket that makes him look like Red Buttons's little hobo baby, and then Carrie and Anthony hold hands in the air so that his votes will go to Carrie because they are BFF.
There's a totally awesome pimpomercial of "Ready To Go," which pulls me back in life like Eliza Dushku to when I could drink all day and I didn't even know what a hangover was and I thought I was better than coffee. Bo drives up like his drug-dealing self with some Björk hair, and talks the kids into getting into his ugly car for some candy; they hallucinate it's a rollercoaster, and make crazy faces. The Idols, they cannot act. There's not even pretend singing this week, just them making faces and having psycho hair, and it's so, so awesome. They get out of the car giggling, and A-Fed points at Bo and says, "You look funny!" in a very adorable way. Then we watch him say this sixteen times because the more pregnant Anna gets, the more times we have to watch A-Fed do cute things.
Then we get to see their original auditions, much of which footage we've never actually seen because the "audition" episodes were not about good singing. Vonzell in Miami with her pink and green outfit singing "Chain Chain Chain" freaking terrifically, and you see now-Zell being really, really nervous watching it. Maybe because it reminds her of the days when she had no eyebrows at all. Randy says that she's grown a lot and has gained confidence and figured out that she's awesome. Anthony in Cleveland sings a Jon Secada song we've never heard on the screen, where now-Thony and Ryan flirt about how goofy he was, and how yelly. He has not changed whatsoever, honestly, but Paula backhands that he's "his own Anthony," and not Clay anymore. Ugh. Catch up.
Carrie really hates watching her audition, but I like it: all kinds of actual feelings and emotions appropriate to a Checotah girl. She sings best song ever candidate "I Can't Make You Love Me," while now-Carrie whisper-giggles with A-Fed (possibly about how Paula totally hates her). BFF, people! Now vote! Randy tells then-Carrie to work on emotion and stage presence -- heh -- and then Ryan and Simon have another big gay love spat about Simon pimping her high and low. Bo's unseen audition, from the day I recapletted him as a swamp guy who shouts Bible verses at the people chained up in his basement, I do not like: it's screamy and affected and nervous. On the other hand, he is now fifty times hotter, and doesn't ramble on and on nearly as much.
The three non-losers will jet home all VIP and that'll be awesome, while A-Fed will fly home coach. Anna intuits that this will be one of those nights "where he just mows them down one after the other," and she's right: Bo, you didn't suck/sucked, or vice versa, and Carrie, you had your best night of the season or else you were great and then sucked, but you're both safe. Carrie giggles and jumps shrieking into Bo's arms and it's somehow adorable. A-Fed, the judges lied meanly to you some more, but Vonzell, you totally lost your mind, so Anthony's leaving. Which: bummer, but I called it, so I'm used to the idea. There is no "Seacrest out" tonight. Ryan and I keep losing our babies.
Video Journey, and you already know everything he says, and just because it's true and sweet doesn't mean it isn't kind of boring. Ryan grabs him and does not let go, during all this, but, like, it's A-Fed. Good day or bad day, he still requires judicious hugging. He sings "If You Don't Know Me" again and fucks up the lyrics but sounds pretty good, and Carrie freaks out Angela Chase-style, with the ugly real crying. Which is projected onto the giant screen above him (not her fault), and he sings to her, and she screams and intensely ASLs "I love you!" and continues to fucking lose it. Anna starts crying and throwing things into her purse and says through her tears, "Well, guess I'm a pedophile [sniffs, laughs bitterly, wipes a tear] and I guess I'm okay with that." And then runs out the door sobbing.
I'm just gonna leave it at that.
Tuesday
Last week, Scott Savol left, but the whole thing with Corey and Paula was going on, so he didn't even get to do the Buffalo Bill's Wild West show on the daytime circuit. Well, he did, but sometimes it's a huge deal and sometimes it's a moderately huge deal, and Scott got neither of those kinds of deals. Jeez, Constantine's week after being eliminated was like a debutante ball. Poor Scott cannot catch a break. Even Ryan starts off saying six different things while actually saying none of them: "Well," he grins, "that's what happens when you lose a guy like Scott Savol…people talk." And he's heavily indicating the Paula/Corey Clark thing when he says this. Which, I mean, I was glad to see Scott go, but that's harsh. Now he's the punchline of a joke which is itself about how irrelevant he is? He's as irrelevant as…Scott Savol? Which, for this month at least, is actually more irrelevant than Corey Clark, and that's just ugly.
So Simon hugs Paula, since we're all on the same page here, subtextually, and she giggles, still at Scott's expense even though he has less than nothing to do with this, and then Simon and Randy cheer for Paula and everybody cheers for Paula and the guys point at Paula and it's amazing, Paula blows kisses at the crowd, there are, like, streamers and tickertape and there's a pony, clomping around on the risers, and then a 132-piece brass band comes marching in full regalia and there's a majorette doing the choreography from "The Way That You Love Me" out front, with bright red feathers and negative 15% body fat and a black bodysuit and a 100-watt smile, and the song that they're playing is a newly-commissioned composition by Philip Glass entitled "You're Not A Pedophile If He's Twenty-Two," and then they name her Queen of Popularity and give her a jet plane in her favorite shade of lavender, plus a pet snow tiger kitten, with which she can communicate telepathically, and she also gets to eat cold pizza and ice cream for breakfast every day for the rest of her life because she's that popular and wholesome: she just thinks a saintly, chronically pained thought and the pounds slide right off.
Ryan says Simon thinks this cheering and freaking out is actually about him, because he's the Queen of Something, but we're not sure what yet, and then Bo looks super-fine, back on last Wednesday. Ryan pulls out a huge cardboard U.S. of A. and shows how they are going to be singing two songs, a sonic road trip if you will, starting in Nashville, with "a little bit of country." Then their rather short two-pointed "trip" will end in Philadelphia, with "The Sound of Philly," which is the songs of Gamble and Huff, who we'll meet a little later, but you know them already: "Me & Mrs. Jones," "Love Train," that kind of thing. See, so now you know what Philly sounds like. Then, because there aren't too many contestants left and the filler providers are running out of ideas, the kids fight over the cardboard prop map, and Ryan points out that it cost 150 bucks, back on fake last Wednesday.
Also, for the first round of singing, the contestants will get to see cute, supportive, loving, generic video footage of their family members egging them on -- that is, rooting for them -- while in the second round, they'll have to watch themselves on deeply icky gigantic video doing the same thing in reverse. Yuck. I love having my picture taken, maybe more than anything on earth, but if you tape me getting snotty and teary and having feelings and then threaten to show it on the TV? They will never find your body.
So first up is Carrie, and her message video from the heart stars her sisters Shanna and Stephanie, who are pretty cute and very accustomed to Carrie living the baby of the family role to the fullest. Shanna talks a little like a sheep even when she is not upset. They are a sweet, nice, loving family, and if I had to have dinner with them I might die, because we are very, very different, and it would be awkward. "How, um, how are your…cows, Mr. Underwood? Are they…do you make bacon, or…I forget, what do cows make? Are you happy with their…um…sap? Is this a good year for…for sap?" and just blatantly talking out of my ass and he'd be like, "Carrie [this would be after I left, because they are polite country people], I have a few questions about your little friend." And she'd roll her eyes and try to explain it. Again.
Carrie sings "Sin Wagon," by the Dixie Chicks. A song I actually like, that is country. I wouldn't buy the CD, but in Texas you can't really get away from the Dixie Chicks. Well, I'm speaking to you from far in the past, from like the year 2000, because nowadays nobody in Texas talks about the Dixie Chicks above a whisper, even though everybody still likes them. Even country-hating slickers like me. So I say I like them, and I like this song, but I've only heard it enough times to recognize it, and not to say whether she is doing a karaoke version or doing really, really well. But dude, it's one or the other. I wonder, though, because she's singing with this new kind of Natalie Maines nasally up in her nasal thing going on, which is how you know from birth if you're supposed to sing country, because that singing just happens. It comes out of you, and you realize your calling. But on the other hand, this is the most modern country-sounding country song we've heard this season, so maybe we're just hearing Carrie's modern country voice. Either way I thought it was totally fun to watch, and it's a…you know, it's kind of riveting? Because, like, if you just wandered in, and hadn't seen Carrie learning and growing and evolving like the T-1000 into a perfect killing machine, you'd still be freaked out by it, and you'd still have to admit that it was well done.
Now, the thing that interests me about this song "Sin Wagon," other than the fact that it's a lot of fun musically, some really broad references to a wide variety of other things, and of course, the fiddle that the really pretty one plays, and the tricks you get to do vocally make it a fun song to sing, which we know makes Carrie much better; but no, the thing that fascinates me about this song is the lyrics, because I've been obsessed with country song lyrics my entire life. There's a hidden Grand Guignol sensibility among many country fans where, like, the glee that they take in breaking rules, or talking about fucked up things, is just amazing. There's a whole V.C. Andrews deal here, but it's also, like "Thunder Rolls," or this song "Sin Wagon," where they just blithely avoid parsing the actual words, because the thrill of it, the secret sin of it, is so awesome. It's subversion, singing a song with lyrics like "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition," or combining the "I'll fly away" of inspirational cross-stitches with the "…on a sin wagon," which concept itself makes no sense, but there's definite transgression going on here, and it's highly enjoyable.
Little darling Carrie Underwood, with no more irony in her heart or demeanor than she has at any time, singing about mattress dancin' not once but twice, giggling in the middle, and just being completely taken with her own daring. "That's right, I said mattress dancin'!" It's freaking adorable. Mary Chapin Carpenter is the other main one of these that I know of. If you look at her lyrics, it's a very Southern kind of genteel feminism at work, like with this song. And you can be adorable and go to church and wear pretty dresses and go to a Christian college, but on margarita night, these are the songs you'll be singing with your girlfriends: "Sin Wagon," "Goodbye Earl," "I Feel Lucky," and if anybody asked you about it, you wouldn't know what they were talking about, because it's just music. And that is beautiful.
Randy continues with the aggressive "I'm a famous record producer" talk he's been kicking around the last couple of weeks, and congratulates her on knowing exactly who she is. It occurs to me that regionally, country music might be seen as quirky or unique, whereas where I went to high school, it was exactly the opposite for a lot of people. Remember David's friend that got shot on , and how he came back to school all cowboyed out and everyone was horrified but kind of entranced? That story made no sense to me at the time, because the story was about him acting out of character, whereas to me, a young teen in a small town in Texas, that same action would mean that you were trying to fit in. Same deal here: she's so wonderfully Nashville! Randy tells her he'd buy her album of that song today, if it existed. Paula agrees wholeheartedly and adds nothing of consequence. Simon calls it "the equivalent of [Carrie] singing in the shower," because it was so effortless and she enjoyed herself so obviously, and says that it would have been a shocker if she hadn't gotten that one right. On the whole, he's very positive, but I still think that's kind of calling it a gimme at the same time, which I don't believe was his intention.
Ryan, apropos of nothing, asks how competitive Carrie is, whether she's dying to win here, and she babbles about how she won't be too terribly upset if she gets kicked off. First of all, never say that. Secondly, like that's going to happen. And finally, what possible reason can you give for saying that? It's not smart to avoid using every question Ryan asks you to your advantage, but just saying something weird and semi-incoherent about how you've "still got a life to go home to afterwards" is just…what is that? It's content-free. Which means she's speaking from the heart.
I just saw an ad for Monster-in-Law that actually kind of made me want to see it, which is a little surprising, but a nice kind of surprise, and doomed to bite me in the ass, and then Mikalah and a dead ringer for Pocahontas are in the audience. Oh, that's Jasmine, I think? Her face is really big. She's got a big old face. They are both very pretty, but you know Mikalah is my soul sister. Can you imagine her on Country Night? I don't think they've written a country song transgressive enough for her. One of those Miranda July songs where the stripper realizes the guy watching her is her dad and freaks out and dissociates in the middle of the song would still come off disingenuous if Mikalah sang it.
Bo's parents are so cute some more, and his mom says something kind of urpy and fake and precious about how she "can't wait to see what comes out of your mouth ." That might just be camera anxiety, though. Now! Bo! Is back! He seems to be caring about things again, in terms of putting his heart into the song in addition to his proficiency. I don't know this song even a little, and I shouldn't like it, but it's Bo. You know, he's great at what he does. The song itself is really pleasant and laid back and I wonder, is this what country is about right now? Because I think of myself as a person who does not like country, and yet I am okay with this song. And not in a "this is cheap and shallow but at least it sounds like pop" way that I can handle, like, Shania "Punctuation. Is! (Your) Friend?" Twain, or that blonde chick with her husband and they're so totally beautiful all the time. He also looks incredible tonight. I love the ongoing Queer-Eyeing of Bo each week because he's not losing anything or starting the metro Seacrest Slide with it. It's just a bettering of what's there, and what's there is being more and more clearly revealed to be smokin' hot. He sings into the camera almost the whole time, and I really remember what's so awesome about him, as a performer. I am so into this that I don't even realize I'm being set up all Julius Caesar-style for the downfall of love during his second song.
Randy is, again, all about the tiresome Dawg Pound stuff. Move on, Jackson. He didn't love the song, found it "not exciting," but points out that Bo is brilliant. Paula talks around, around, around but basically feels that this song was completely unchallenging. She likes the bells and whistles, I think. That's what "challenge" means to her. Not doing something simple but doing it very, very well, but just doing something surprising near the end of the song. She's a little bourgeois, old Paula. Not that that's a bad thing, especially not in this context, but there it is. Simon clarifies her unending crazy talk: "What Paula was trying to say was that that was very boring." The other two judges verbally agree with him -- ouch -- and Simon goes on to say that it was a boring, lazy, uninspiring performance, and that he looked like he was "doing a jam in a local club." Bo smiles and makes cute faces and is sexy as hell in response to this. Good call. Ryan points out to Simon the danger of criticizing Bo with Bo's crazy grandmother in the audience. Far be it from me to talk shit about somebody's grandmother, but dude. She's so nuts. She and Jessica's grandmother would be like the Banger Sisters of really, really old people. Erratic old people make me really nervous, because they have the advantage of experience, which more than makes up for their physical disadvantages, and most of them are crafty as hell.
We act out on A-Fed sticking out his little tongue in the makeup chair. So cute. I get confused because he's not going last, since this is his week to go home and nobody goes home if they sing last. So either they're going to pull some crazy new maneuver and break that rule, or we'll have an all-white Final Three, which is stupid. We will see. If Vonzell goes , that means something crazy is going to happen within the 30 minutes.
And it's…Vonzell! Singing Trisha Yearwood. Her brothers don't have a whole lot of control of their words, but they're funny and they threaten Simon a little bit and then giggle. And she's…not that great. Kind of bad, actually. She's singing that song you've heard a billion times, the one that the other little girl sang at the same time? It goes, "Con Air is the worst fucking movie in the world / How do I ever -- ever -- survive in a world without Malkovich? / Because his gay ass is dead to me," right? Not that Vonzell would know, since she buffs the words and hits the transmission of her range against the road several times, throwing sparks everywhere. There are beautiful phrases and all that, but at the end, the glory note is thin and she tries to save it with a little run, but still. Ugh. That sucked. This sucks! What is this show planning? I'm scared!
Randy says it started off rough, and felt too slow, but that she brought it home in the end. He congratulates her again on each week picking the hardest possible song, and reiterates that she "did her thing" in the end. Paula starts off by asking how Vonzell's feeling tonight, and it's the straw that breaks her sunny dimpled concentration and she immediately fucking loses it. I do the same thing. Not to the same degree, because I've never in my life been in a situation this amount of stressful, but hey, if I look like I'm going to cry or flip out, change the subject. Don't ask me about it, because that's the secret key that unlocks the flipping out. Witness Vonzell, and how much she loves her dad some more.
There were a million rumors and questions about this deal, why she freaked out onstage, but I honestly think she was just homesick, and bummed out because there was no time to schedule hanging out with her family, even though they were in town, which totally sucks. Did you ever find yourself in a horrible situation, like grade school or summer camp or something, and you saw your parents' car, and you couldn't find them but you knew they were on the premises? It's a dreadful feeling, and to be kept away from her family at the most extreme, intense time in her entire life, knowing they're close by, is fucking brutal. So honestly I think that's how it is.
So she refrains from explaining, just gets very teary and beautiful and says she had a really rough day and gets choked up seeing her dad so close by. Brutal. This is how you stay in a competition, folks. Not that it isn't heartfelt, but I mean, that is some awesome timing, and explains the shittiness of the performance in a way that is not a lie. Paula applauds her for being a human being with a giant heart and emotions all the time, and Simon -- appalled as I am by expressions of emotion -- is speechless and sympathetic: "You looked and sounded very nervous tonight, for the first time in weeks, and obviously very emotional. And I'll leave it at that." Which is awesome and all he needed to say. Ryan hugs her and she and her dad yell that they love each other, and it's terrible and hard to watch, and then everybody cheers for her because she's the Princess of Popularity, and there is not one but an entire fleet of ponies doing that Arabian horse dancing on the risers this time and it's awesome and she deserves it. And all the ponies have little tattoos on their hindquarters, of things like butterflies and tulips and rainbows.
A-Fed's parents. Aw, hell.
The mom talks, because the dad is just speechless by how much he adores his son and his son's talents. "I am a very happy mom, because you are my son. I love you so much. You are my little baby. Good luck to you for everything." It's fairly heartbreaking, and Dad just looks fucking abject and spaced out like the love for Anthony is tearing him apart inside. And then, whoa this song is immediately bullshit so fast. It's called "I'm Already There," and this little boy asks his dad when he's coming home, and the dad tells him just a heap of bullshit. Just Lightfoot levels of queer is the stuff Dad is firing at the son: "I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground, I'm the whisper in the wind, I'm your imaginary friend, and I know I'm in your prayers." Barf, Lonestar. If my dad ever said that shit to me when I was little, I'd…well, my dad's cool and would never say that shit to anybody, but if he had, I'd have hung up on his drunk ass, and he would know I made the right call. Just tripe. And then? In the rest of the song, the kid hands off back to Mom, and the parents have some phone sex. Seriously.
So but the other thing is that while he's singing this song about love's striped pair of pants in the wind of sunshine and whatever, he's doing this very intense danced and making some sexy faces, and like, that bugs me when he's singing a sexy song? But it just makes me fucking ill when I'm getting attacked from two such different fronts. Shut up, Anthony. Shut up, Anthony's crotch. Get out of my face. Shut up, fitted denim shirt highlighting the shoulders, and shut up tight western jeans and shut up creepy rhythmic pumping up and down -- Not even dancing! Just this weird aggressive bouncing! -- while you sing about a father's love for his child. Yikes! To the infinite power!
I mean, it's vocally beautiful, but that's about the last thing I noticed. Somebody, anybody, should have explained some things to him in rehearsal. That was unholy, and just proves that he's like a little kid who doesn't know the difference between a BB gun and an assault rifle, and thinks they're both equally fun. You know what I mean? Randy gives him props, because it was good. Paula advises him to choose more "challenging" songs, but we've been over that. Simon first points out that he sang it well, but then calls the whole thing (including the parent clip) something like Miss Universe, that it felt cynical, and I completely agree. It was, like, so Hallmark and thinking that people don't know the difference between actual emotion and made-up Riding The Bus With My Sister emotion, which: maybe they don't, but I like to think that my fellow Americans deserve the benefit of the doubt. So you're like, "I'm going to sing this song about parents and love and whatever, sunshine and roses and smiling, and then they will be voting through their tears, in the hundreds." Which I find disrespectful in the extreme, and I'm so glad Simon said something about it. Ryan goes to the usual place with this, off the Miss Universe reference: "I can assure you there is no swimsuit competition tonight." JESUS, SEACREST. Let it go! So now I gotta think about A-Fed in a swimsuit? Onstage? Every week you do this. You're footing my therapy bills, buddy.
Somewhere in the world, there is a Gamble and Huff song played every 14 minutes. Their songs include the awful awful Mario song "I Love Music." They are in the audience, they have worked with Patti LaBelle and Lou Rawls, and they are adorable. I love Gamble and Huff. They have that soft, quietly brilliant, thrummy deep-voiced, sweater-wearing quality that made me wish I had the same grandparents as Rudy Huxtable.
Carrie, sort of crying on a huge video screen all about her parents, which was boring but not all that fake-seeming, and then she sings "If You Don't Know Me By Now," a song I really like, and she sings it really country, vocally, although the arrangement stays close to standard, and it really works. ["I almost didn't recognize the song, which I hate, and liked it until I figured out what she was actually singing. That didn't sound like a compliment, but was in fact one." -- Sars] She also looks totally adorable. She's got the best hair of the night, during this performance, but I cannot describe it. It's kind of bouncy and curly and contained but still doing its own thing. It's cool. I try to imagine Vonzell singing in this key, and it would not sound as good -- not that it matters, except that Vonzell would sing it in this key, and that would be the problem -- but whatever, she sounds really, really pretty, and by the middle-to-end she's just singing the hell out of it. It's nice, and everything Simon said, about singing in the shower and enjoying herself, is totally true this time around too. That's awesome. You guys, she kind of deserves to do well, after these two songs. I am so unsettled, but like, I don't feel bad about liking it.
Then the judges go insane and talk crazy and I still haven't figured out why, but there are several things this week that I find fishy. Randy says that it just didn't work, that it never got on track, and was pitch-iffy. Paula calls it not the right song for Carrie, and says it just didn't work for her. Simon calls it one of the best pop songs ever written, and then says it was an "appalling arrangement," which he admits was not her fault, but ultimately, it just didn't "suit" her. Carrie's kind of blown away by this, and goes, "All right?" Ryan asks us, "on that note," whether we thought she was good. Yes, I really did, actually. Shut up, Simon. You're a total Simply Red fan. And all that that implies.
So many people left!
Bo's video message with heart is for his parents, thanking them and telling them that he wouldn't be the man he is today without their love and support. That's sweet. I like that they encourage his music so much, it's good of them. Then: horrible things begin to happen. "For the Love of Money" by the O'Jays, also known as "The Mating Call Of The Native Plastic-Furred Donald," and the outfit! He's got sunglasses on indoors, again, and a giant silver blinged-up dollar-sign belt buckle and a three-piece suit without the shirt. What the hell is this? The suit is well-tailored to his body, but the rest of it…it's a travesty, and it makes me want to slap his face. This is that same low-level costuming that produced the "hippie" ensemble that I got so pissed about. It's just so…lame. And there's not even the tiniest hint of subversion in the song choice, I don't think. Remember Anwar in camo singing "What's Going On" and the totally pathetic nature of that, like singing on American Idol would afford you an appropriate forum to protest an unjust war, and how people that think like that get up my nose so bad and it's why I hate Naima with a fervor I've never before known, because it's the same thing as with A-Fed and the daddies and little babies, only you just switch "daddies" for "moral high ground" and "babies" for "glib, smug, unearned dogma"? Still cooler than this.
Okay, so, but he's singing it very well? He's a good singer. But this song is about the bells and whistles; it's what Anna calls a "Can you hear the spoons?" kind of song. Like that Rob Thomas song where all the different bleeps and singing is happening and there's dancing and furniture turning upside down and whatnot, and the song part of the song is just…missing. Or, like, speak of the devil, Shania Twain. All of her songs sound like demo versions of real songs where they haven't gotten to adding in the "song" part of the song. But there are lots of spoons, because that's all they have is spoons, so far, and then they were suddenly done writing the song. So this is a "can you hear the spoons" song, which means that the vocal is less than integral, which means that it's a performance song. And he already looks like a complete jackass, sartorially speaking, so that leaves: running around being forceful and masculine, check; whipping the hair around and having a rock-related tizzy, check; flashing lights that are totally, epileptically intense, check; being BFF with the mic stand and carrying it all over the place with you like a kitten with her dolly, check; looking at me over the tops of your stupid sunglasses so that you look like a creepy fucking serial killer, check; more lights flashing and being insane, check; the band going totally, totally nuts, since this song is completely about them and not about Bo at all, check; growling and pretending that this song isn't the most clichéd piece of crap this side of "Louie, Louie," check; and the camera operators all taking mega-doses of drugs so that the whole thing turns into a swooping, cutting this-way-and-that, stimulating, ADD-related mess.
And yes, if I was in that studio, I probably would have lost my mind, because it's a very compelling spectacle, and so I can't blame the judges for the love they show at this time, but I was watching it at home? Multiple, multiple times, okay. And it looked like a cheap community talent show with a costume sewed by somebody's crazy grandmother. Which is exactly what it was. The judges make a concerted effort to encourage unending cheering from the audience, by pretending to be annoyed by it but still egging them on, and Randy leaves it at: "All I'm going to say is I loved it," and that he hopes it's on Bo's future record. See, he's a producer, is why he keeps saying that tonight. Then we cut to Bo's crazy grandmother in the audience, once again losing her shit, and it's less cute and more annoying each time we see it. Get a new shtick, crazy grandma. Paula calls it the best performance he's ever done, which is complete bullshit, and not just because this was not good for me, but also because even if I liked it, that's still a really dumb, untrue thing to say. Simon calls it "terrible image, fantastic performance," which is awesome because I basically do agree with that, and also because he's totally just baiting the crazy grandma now.
Then, Ryan goes in for the hug, but Bo's already got a hand out for him to shake, which means that Ryan, like, folds into Bo's arms accidentally, then stays there, reaches around behind himself to get Bo's hand, where it is, which is on the other side of Seacrest suddenly, because they've collectively created an Accidental Bearhug situation, and so he reaches around behind himself to get Bo's hand, which he then steps back and shakes. It's totally weird and I had to watch it on slo-mo because it was really fast and confusing when they did it. I still don't understand how or why it happened, but at least I know the What of it. Then Ryan -- people are still fucking losing their minds and cheering, okay, throughout all of these paragraphs -- does that little arm-akimbo prissy move like he does sometimes, and grins, "I think they liked it!"
Vonzell dedicates her song to -- yeah, how did you know? Are you psychic? She's singing "Don't Leave Me This Way," a song I like, and she starts out all kinds of up in the camera, and it's great, really intimate and cool and powerful. She does actually really great on this one, which I like. When you fuck up so bad that you start crying because of your shitty day and homesickness, what I want to see is you knocking it the hell out of the park, which I feel she did here. This is maybe my favorite performance she's done. The vocals are complicated enough that there's no dead-eyed dimpling and blowing kisses, there are too many words in the actual song to permit a bunch of superfluous come on or woo!, some pretty sexy dance moves, an ecstatic melody, a complicated set of intervals…it's great, plus very, very happy for everyone, considering that Vonzell crying is up there with Constantine, in terms of things I never want to see again on my TV.
It's not perfect, there are some high notes that she can't hit and it sounds really weird when she tries, but most of the song is right in the middle of her range, and then at the end she totally pulls it out and goes insane and it's great. Just beautiful. It's actually really just fun to watch. I think the judges are going to be overwhelmed because, just like the Bo song, it's I think really awesome in the audience. You can tell by her grin at the end that she rocked it, and you know I like to see that. We cut to a little redheaded boy in the audience. Is he sick? What's wrong with that little boy? Why are we focusing in on…oh, it's John Stevens. My bad, I kind of liked him. He looks very…tired. Get some rest and some nutrition, little boy! And stop singing like that! Randy loves the Vonzell song, calling it "awesome," and Paula remembers what Randy said earlier, restating it back to us, about how Vonzell takes risks and stretches her vocal performance and achieves her personal best. Simon says she "pulled out all the stops" on it, and calls it "manic." He says he was almost glad when it ended, because he felt tense for her, but points out that it was a lot better than the first song. Ryan comes out all smiles and sunshine: "You nailed it! Way to go, sweetheart!" Ryan would make a good R.N. He cannot help but care. He can't turn it off.
Anthony is…also singing "If You Don't Know Me." This is rampant bullshit. Come on. Singing the same song as the Chosen Winner? And then having her get slammed for what was actually an excellent performance? Please. A-Fed would have to be the best singer in the universe to pull out of that nosedive, and I mean, we both know he…isn't. His video message with heart is all about how his parents' dream, coming to America to get a better life for their children, is working out just remarkably well. It's super-sweet, and really real, and I love it. I never said I hated all syrupy bullshit, I just hate it when it's a lie. He comes strolling in from off-stage wearing a powder-blue pinstriped suit that's a little too big for him. He hits notes you don't think he's going to hit, and he hits them square. I like his approach to things, you know that. It's very head-on and clear, and it's no less awesome here than usual, although his drama faces and heartache hands all over the place are a little sickening. He's just kind of riffing around, being great little A-Fed, and the arrangement is kind of different, but I don't think better. Why is this happening? This is one of the weirdest things I've seen this year.
At the point where your meta-narrative is in need of surgery? You're a total doy for being so predictable in the first place. Don't lower yourself to doing such obvious bullshit tricks to get the results you want. There's a system of diminishing returns, with surprises and fake-outs like this. If Ryan tells somebody to go to the couch, they're either safe or not safe, just keep your eye on Bo and Carrie. You know? There's only so many ways you can bend convention to make things "suspenseful," and after that you've just got a monkey on your back. The only thing that's actually suspenseful about this show is how the citizens of the different Americas are horrified to find out that other people -- different from them -- actually exist, and in strong numbers. "Who's voting for Scott Savol?" Dorks on the internet? And white trash that beat women? No. God. "Who's voting for Constantine?" A small select group of drama dorks and the painfully ill-fated women who love them? No. "Who's voting for Carrie?" Um, a sorority? Come on. The numbers don't add up. Regular people who are not even really all that different from you are voting for all the people you don't like. People you'd hate and run away from are loving the same contestants you are. I'm starting to find all the surprise and horror really unattractive.
Anyway. Randy calls this go-round much better, and notes a similarity to Simply Red which doesn't even make sense in this context. Paula says he "came out here with conviction" and nailed it. Simon calls it a better arrangement, but feels you "need soul" to sing that song. He says it's like having Woody Allen play Shaft -- what I wouldn't pay to see just that, my friend -- and then Ryan adorably smiles at A-Fed and asks, "Do you have soul?" It's quite a moment.
Then there is review, and I am weirded out by this sudden feeling that none of this matters. I mean, in the grandest sense. Anthony is going home this week, Vonzell week…unless some really great TV happens in the middle of all that, I don't think there's any suspense left, and that bums me out, because the whole Scott/A-Fed thing was really, really fun to watch live. So, Carrie: bouncing around and not doing her cute moves, then totally rocking some lovely notes on her A-Fed culling song. Bo: singing a boring but very nice song and giving it more heart than last week, then a shambolic travesty of well-sung hell. Vonzell not hitting the last note but we listen to it again, then totally rocking the disco sounds of Gamble and Huff. Anthony being creepy and a little slutty on a song about filial bonds, then being boring but doing well on that last song. Carrie and Anthony huddle and get touchy with each other about something going on in the audience and they are being very cute. They are not together, you guys. That's a bizarre rumor indeed. I am 97% sure it's all made up. There's some Bo making funny faces, and Carrie and Ryan looking at each other like, "Girl…" which was actually the best part of the whole show.
Wednesday
Vonzell and Anthony seem very nervous and giggly, Carrie looks completely undone, and Bo looks bored and pissed. Tonight should be weird and cool. Ryan's wearing a very dapper, very sober suit, and he starts off right away with the j'accuse, all telling us, "You are accountable for what happens on this stage tonight." He then calls our attention to the judges, all, "We know who they liked!" But we don't, that's a lie, because the judges were all on crack last night. A special monkey crack called "what the shadowy studio heads and producers tell you to do."
"Was it the pressure? Was it the fatigue? Whatever it was, it was an emotional night." Then we talk about the musical road trip some more, even though that was stupid the first time. So in Nashville, Carrie had a great deal of fun, while Bo "slowed it down" and was called "lazy" and "uninspiring" by Simon. If you'll recall, I loved it. We revisit the grandma again, and, like, I don't know her, so I don't judge her, but I'm tired of her, and that's the show's fault, and it's only been like an hour cumulative she's been in my life, and that's saying something that I'm this tired of it already. We get it, he's a crazy Alabama hillbilly and his family is full of insane moonshiners who make their own clothes and want to go in the "cement pond" before they leave L.A. Which is not uproariously funny, but most importantly, it's simply not true. Bo and his parents are well-spoken, intelligent people, and if Grandma weren't so hyped up and insane on the screen, I'm sure we'd see a real person there too.
Vonzell had a really rough day yesterday, and she really loves her dad. Did you know? Anthony bounced around and I guess I blacked out because I don't remember a thing, and then we saw Bo in a very exciting performance that had nothing to do with vocals and everything to do with strobe lights, and Vonzell was awesome and really great. Carrie morphs into Anthony, which I don't remember happening, and the judges hated Carrie's performance but liked Anthony's. We are again treated to Simon's Woody Allen joke, which wasn't that funny the first time, and Anthony somehow has less "soul" than Carrie for some reason.
They sing "Islands In The Stream," which I enjoy a whole lot, and even though Bo is barely audible, he's still sounding good and is the focal point of the performance again. He makes some cheesy faux-joyful faces that are really out of place. Anthony takes one half of a line from Bo, and their voices are so different, it's kind of a troubling jump, like you have to readjust your ears. One or both of A-Fed and Carrie totally crew up the words, and it's cute, and they sing to each other, but they can't sing about "making love to each other" so they quickly look away, because that's weird and incesty, and he continues his baseline humping of the air, and then there's a funny sequence of movements where he looks at her to sing to her some more, but she's looking away, and then she tries to sing to him, but he's looked away again, and also they're both about to laugh the entire time. Carrie is really very good on her solo; Vonzell is kind of screechy but on pitch for most of it. How come when Bo and Vonzell bounce around like that, it doesn't look gross? Carrie and Anthony dance around blondly on the risers, and have no choreography as such, and everybody is totally playing to the cameras, except for Carrie, who's constantly singing to people who are not singing back at her. Like she sings to a variety of the sides of faces. Then the hand in the air like the good old days of the Tsunami Tsingoff, only it's Carrie and Anthony's tiny white hands that we see in the sparkling. Some kind of AJ Martinez-looking Frankenstein guy claps in the audience. It might actually be him, but I can't wonder about it too much because I have a much more important question: Why do I know that name?
Then there's this great pimpomercial, singing "Ready To Go" by Republica, a favorite song of mine to this day due to its very exciting nature. Bo gets out of his car and looks hot even with stupid hair sculpture like Björk, and they ask him why it's like that, and then he makes them get in his ugly car. Vonzell's got some adorable pigtails happening until she gets in that car. The car is suddenly a rollercoaster, and they all make these ridiculously stupid "Whoa" faces, and they don't even pretend to sing along with the song. Which is fine, because this is a song no more about singing than, say, "For the Love of Money." However, the vocals are actually pretty good, as if that's ever been the point of these things. All of their hair goes insane during this drive, and they keep making these faces, and it's so, so awesome. Then they get out with their crazy hair, and they're all laughing, and A-Fed points at Bo and giggles, "You look funny!" It's very cute.
One special feature of tonight's episode is that we will revisit their original auditions in more detail. First is Vonzell, who you may recall was wearing a pink-and-green ensemble that made me both love and fear for her the second I saw it. She sings "Chain Chain Chain" really awesomely, and I can't help but wonder if the nation agrees with me that their auditions were a thousand times better than the majority of their performances since the Top Twelve were chosen. Randy calls it dope, and talks about how coordinated it is, but how coordinated can that be when it's freaky green and pink? Now-Zell spazzes out insanely the whole time and giggles, because this is totally painful. Then-Paula talks about how she loves Then-Zell and how she had a great vibe and much confidence, and Then-Randy talks about how she was born to sing. The whole time the video goes on and on, A-Fed distracts her and makes her giggle, which is awesome. Ryan asks Randy how far she's come, and Randy says that after the first couple of weeks she seemed to believe in herself more, and then Ryan screams, "DO YOU BELIEVE?" The answer is yes, she does. Me too.
Then-Fed was about one hundred pounds smaller, and looked kind of hungry compared to Now-Fed. Anthony doesn't take his eyes off himself on the screen as he whispers something I don't catch to Ryan, who bends down to hear it again, and finally he giggles and looks away from the screen. He's singing a Jon Secada song, but not the one you're thinking of, but which I was emailed earlier this week, which is a very good song. LL Cool J thought it was "slick," Paula called it a great performance, and Simon told him, "Well done." Ryan asks Now-Fed what he was saying during the Video Journey, and it was that he found himself in the Video Journey to be "goofy." Yeah. Then there is more Clay talk, which is boring, and so yesterday.
Coming up, Ryan warns, is Bo's unseen audition. During this announcement on the act out, Bo mugs irritatingly for the audience, all, "No, no, it's awful," but, like, I get that it's embarrassing? But on the other hand, two other people just went through it and it was painful, but they've turned out okay. It's like those kids in Spanish or French class that just couldn't see past the accent, and felt like tools applying the proper accent to their words when they were called upon to speak aloud, and thus received lower marks than the kids who brazenly accented it out to here to the point where they sounded like an SNL skit, or that one Mad About You where Julia Sweeney made Paul pronounce French words. And, like, I get that you're self-conscious? But it's kind of narcissistic to think that everyone else is less so. In fact, I think we're all pretty much in the middle of the bell jar on that one, so shut up and take it like a man, basically. We know this is gross, but it's no grosser for you just because you're special and awesome.
Carrie, of course, hates her audition, but I think the nervousness and Checotah vibe is really cool. This was before she learned that being onstage turned her into a scary robot. She's wearing a pink shirt -- off the shoulder -- with a lacy chemise underneath, and what's interesting about this choice is that the undergarment is scoop-necked and cuts off above the collarbone, so it's like granny panties. Demure, yet underwear. She's got crunchy spray-gelled hair, the makeup's a bit more understated than you might think, and she's very cute, especially given that she's nearly too nervous to live. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me," a big favorite of mine, and she does really, really great, and the judges give her a definite yes. Paula gives a weirdly curt and clipped "YES," but I think that this is because it's contextless. She's never been one to gush over Carrie, but I'd think that could not start that early, that she'd starting being rude so immediately after meeting her. Only Simon would do that. During all of this, Now-Carrie is whispering and giggling with A-Fed, just like Vonzell did before, and just like A-Fed himself did with Ryan. Then comes the act of big uncomfortable gay soap opera "Who's Afraid Of Janis Ian," as George and Martha go head to head again. Let's see how it played out:
Ryan: Were you surprised that she was undiscovered?
Simon: Yes, I remembered her after that day, and I really thought she could win.
Ryan: …And what do you think now?
Jacob: Ryan, he's never going to admit he's been pimping her to every available outlet since the season started as the eventual winner. It's probably not even a thing he could admit on the show if he wanted to.
Simon: Well, bearing in mind she's in the top four now, Ryan…
Paula and Randy: Awww, no…
Simon: …I stand by my prediction.
Ryan: I'm sorry, but that's what we call a sidestep. Let's try to answer the question.
Simon: I am answering the question, Ryan, now stop being precocious.
Jacob: Why does that word sound dirty now? Why is Simon looking at him like that? He looks like a chanteuse! What's going on? Why was that kind of hot? Do I have a fever? Am I going crazy? Did this show finally make me crazy?
Ryan: [Giggles outrageously.]
Simon: What I'm saying is, she's in the top four and will probably stand a good chance of winning the competition.
Then he wiggles his shoulders at him like my old drama teacher used to do. He was great, total stereotype, creeped everybody out, but I would fool him every semester into casting me in the play, and then drop out the last week just to fuck with him, and he never caught on. He was partial to plays like A Midsummer Night's Dream where the people wore nothing but dance belts and dramatic makeup. He was awesome, and now Simon is him. He was married too.
Ryan: Mr. Cowell, I knew you wouldn't answer that question, I just wanted to put you on the spot.
Jacob: Duh. "The spot." I hate the spot. It's creepy on the spot.
Simon: [Giggles outrageously.]
Ryan: [Sighs.] All right, let's move on now.
Everybody: Effing finally. Get some couples therapy already.
Then we get to Bo's, and he's still acting embarrassed. I used to give Carrie shit for this, but now at least she seems to get how the whole sitting there like a trained monkey thing actually works. How can Carrie have overcome something that Bo still hasn't? Then-Bo walks into the audition setup, looking pretty good I guess, now that I'm accustomed to his face, but I still like the facial hair of now a whole lot more. He tells them straight up, "You guys can call me Bo," after Randy welcomes him as "Harold," and a very not-drunk-just-in-pain-or-not-in-pain-or-whatever Paula yells, "BO! I'm calling you Bo." Like she's making a huge stand or something. It's weird and very particularly Paula. She looks really proud of herself. He sings "Whipping Post" and for some reason I'm really uncomfortable. I think it's just that he's a very seasoned, passionate performer, and so with a full band setup it's great, but a cappella like this it's just like seeing his junk or something. I've told you before about my morbid karaoke phobia, and this taps into it. I wonder if they hid this all this time so that they could freak us out with either him, like, the awesome fact of Bo, or with this very video, when he made it to the Final Four (or, you know, Two). Then-Randy and -Paula freak out about how he sang that song, because it's a little obscure. Paula is very wobbly in her chair, and in her neck. Bo explains to them that AI needs somebody that puts out the vibe of a rock star, and Simon, awesomely, deadpans: John Stevens? Oooooh. Randy giggles, "Simon, stop it." Bo holds out his hands like "whatever, man," but I think maybe because doesn't know who John Stevens is, like maybe he's some recent British rock star he hasn't heard of, but he doesn't want to appear ignorant. When really the truth is very funny and I think he -- and John himself -- would enjoy the joke.
Bo's crazy grandma is wearing a suit tonight. Ryan and Bo talk about how it took Simon a while to start calling him Bo, even after he told them the first second he met them, and Simon winks at Bo. He is just fresh tonight, but also, I know he likes these kids a whole lot more than he lets on. Ryan says, "Simon, since you're in such a lovely mood [and again Simon gets very wiggly here, and again it's a problem], what was the first thing that struck you about Bo?" Simon explains the true facts that Bo is an individual, has a good voice, and a nice attitude. Bo is in the corner during all of this looking beautiful.
Ryan, after baiting us with a "special surprise," serves up the Marquis Jet Card, a thing I don't know about, for the three non-losers to go home tomorrow on a "whirlwind VIP visit." I can't wait to see that footage, actually, because all three of them are going to be very, very happy, and I like when they're happy. The other one, the non-non-loser, will be getting a "one-way coach ticket" home, which Ryan also produces. At this, Vonzell giggles, A-Fed looks sad, Carrie looks pissed and sad, and Bo looks like he's better than all of this, because he is. So is Ryan!
Ryan calls for the lights to be dimmed, the better to non-shock us all to our comas, and then Ryan just mows them down one after the other. Bo sang "It's A Great Day To Be Alive" and was great, boring, or unlikable. Then he sang "For The Love Of Money," and it was either horrible and cheesy unto extremes, or the best thing that's ever happened in our universe. Then of course Bo's safe, flashes a thumbs-up, and has a seat. His mom is crying, and his crazy grandmother is still crazy.
Carrie's first song, "Sin Wagon," was unanimously awesome, and her "If You Don't Know Me By Now" was either similarly great or else a terrible mark on this show and on music. She's scared to death, which is cute as hell, considering, and then she runs screaming into Bo's arms so fast and hard that you hear a mic thump when they collide.
A-Fed crotched it up, counterintuitively, with "Already There," which I hated, Paula and Randy loved, and Simon found dumb and cynical. His second song, "The Death Warrant Of Anthony Fedorov," was very awesome and soulless, just like this show. Meanwhile, Vonzell fucked up so fucking bad and then lost her mind onstage with "How Do I Live," then got it back double with the very very amazing power of "Don't Leave Me This Way," a song I didn't know could have an effect on me either way other than, like, "Disco was a very strange time but the music was fast and that is good."
Ryan stares at Anthony while talking about the person that's leaving, but A-Fed won't look up, so again you're just singing to the side of a face, so he turns back to Vonzell, who is safe. A-Fed's of course leaving us tonight, and some Ukrainians cry in the audience. Even though we just went on a Video Journey with A-Fed, we go on another one. He says things that are not very interesting or surprising, about how he knew when he got the thumbs-up from Simon at the auditions that his life was about to change and that the opportunities this show has afforded him are something he is beyond grateful for, whatever. You know, very sweet and very real and a little rambly is how it goes. He mentions hardship in his childhood, and I wonder for the first time what his childhood was actually like, between the tracheotomy and the parents and the immigration and the being supernaturally beautiful from birth and whatnot. In the corner of the screen, he keeps it together really well, although the smile falters for a sec when Video Paula says she's proud of him. Aww. The Journey ends with A-Fed looking dreamy in slo-mo from a variety of angles and talking about how he wants to reach through the TV screen and touch you. Most people are okay with that.
I'm told that once the cameras cut for good, during the sing-out, everybody kind of lost it and he finished the song, and then Simon was very, very sweet to him. That all of the judges really liked him and were very sad to see him go. Also that Carrie never really did get it together.
Carrie's crying pretty bad already, and he smiles and sings the song, under purple and blue lights. There's something about the arrangement being wrong, like it was the one Carrie used yesterday, not the one he used, so it starts on the chorus and not the verse, but he takes it in stride awesomely. We cut six times to Carrie crying throughout, and it's very sad. He smiles and sings to the judges, and the accent gets really thick, then he dances for a while, sings to the band, then sings to Carrie, who's going all Vonzell up in here crying, and she intensely says and signs "I love you!" and she smiles, and he smiles, and she's losing it pretty much, it's really sweet and sad. He can't really look over there after that, and hits the last note we hear before the credits cut ("eye to EEEEEEEEEYE") really nicely. Good boy.
There is no "Seacrest out" tonight, and if I believe in anything it's Seacrest solidarity, so I guess I'll…see you week? Take care.