All this talk of patriotism lets Ryan segue us to Ayla Brown (17, Wrentham MA), who sings national anthems at football games and has a state senator for a dad. She also has a local news anchor for a mom, which isn't so much "patriotic" as "unfortunate." Ayla played basketball in high school, and played it well enough to earn a full basketball scholarship to Boston College. Which is pretty great, if you ask me. Considering how much B.C. cost when I applied there a thousand years ago, I'm thinking basketball has served this girl well. Ayla's whole back-story is this "basketball or singing, how ever will I choose?" thing, which as hooks go I prefer to "my dad's on drugs" or "my throat has a hole in it," mostly because it's about how she's working out the choices she's made for herself, not how she's struggling to overcome the harsh hand fate dealt her. Because this way, if we don't like her, we don't have to be on the same side as the forces that, like, killed her mom.
What happens here is, there's a huge disconnect between what I thought was going to occur and what did occur. Ayla was one of the big pre-season pimpees. Every time you turned around, you saw that damn clip of her singing the national anthem. The tendency with these select few is: huge back-story, decent-but-not-amazing audition, and the judges glossing over everything to pass them on. So, I figured Ayla's audition would be okay, but the praise would be effusive from at least one judge. She sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," and here's the thing: I really liked her voice. It's loud, but not shouty. It's clear, and it's free of any trills or frills or anything. It's strong, I think. The judges are impressed, but not overly. Specifically, Paula actually asks for more bells and whistles, which I found maddening. This could all just be constructive criticism because they want her to be even better come Hollywood, but I also got the impression that AI has gotten wise to the whole "chosen one" theory and are specifically presenting Ayla as "the over-hyped one." Which is arbitrary and unfair if you ask me, but nobody is. Simon in particular gives Ayla pretty much the Carrie rundown, which goes as follows: "robotic, well-groomed, cute, good voice, empty." To what end they're doing this -- if they even are, lord knows I could just as likely be wanking this to high heaven -- I am not sure, but this girl is totally my grassy knoll for the season, however long she may last. So Ayla and the judges then get into it with the singing v. hoops macro-arc, and she's like, "I will do them both for as long as I can," which I totally respect because, again, B.C. tuition ain't cheap, even if your parents are local celebrities. She's got the poise (and the jaw, let's face it) of a high-level athlete, which the judges pick up on. Oh, and she's going to Hollywood, duh.Out in the hall, Ayla and her million family members are happy. She tells them how Paula was the deciding vote, and her dad is kind of cool with the "well, we'll have to pick up her album now, won't we?" stuff. Her mom, I don't mind telling you, is annoying as hell, and keeps trying to yell back into the room at every interval, until Ayla basically has to grab her and tell her to chill. Back inside, Paula reveals how she hates Ayla like Carrie-flavored poison. More or less.
After Ryan dumbly VOs about how Boston is the "home of the Revolution" (isn't that Minnesota?), we meet Irada Jafarova (22, Bethesda MD). That's Bethesda by way of Azerbaijan, actually, and when I said in the recaplet that she had a Mail-Order Minnie Driver thing happening, I was not kidding. Giant wall of curly hair, big red flower jammed all up in there, dressed like if Stevie Nicks got cast in Chicago. She sings "Unbreak My Heart" and starts by peeling off the "ten-foot raw-acrylic black curtain panel from Bad, Bath & Beyond with the price tag still attached" (per Jacob, natch) she's wearing over her Velma Kelly mini-dress. The judges laugh, as they're expected to do, and Randy asks her for something else, which is "Chain of Fools." She's trying to dance "Shakira sexy" (which is only barely sexy when you're actually Shakira, but mostly looks like convulsions), and the singing sounds a lot like Oksana Fur Collar from Week One. Then the coup de grace, as Irada tries to sexily pluck the flower from her hair, but it's lost in the thicket and it ends up just kind of dangling down by her cheek. So, okay, here's the mental picture: hair stringy and in her face, flower hanging by a thread, mini-dress straps fallen down, and now singing "how do I live without you?" and then when Simon tells her how awful it was, she picks up her clothes in a ball and goes rushing out of the room. We've all now been implicated in some sort of Soviet flesh trade, just by witnessing that. No one's hands are clean.
is a purported "montage o' suck," except if you're asking me to call either Laurence Soares (27, New Bedford MA) -- who thrash-falsettos C&C Music Factory -- or Alison Laverdiere (22, Leominster MA) -- who opera-trills "Workin' for the Weekend" -- sucky, you'll be waiting around a long time. I especially loved Alison, who is knowingly hilarious with her music teacher Bobbie Moughan-Culp vibe. The judges are enjoying themselves as well. People who actually did suck include Mikalah Gordon's blonde cousin (who looks like when Aguilera was in that video with Ricky Martin), a plethora of crying dudes, and these heavily accented sisters who threaten physical violence to Simon, even though you know they're the type to pour a beer all over some dude at a bar and then turn to their boyfriend, who is all "fuck, here we go" about it.So we see a pair of the same girl who both look like "trampier, prettier, smarter, more REAL versions of Amanda Avila," per Jacob. I had originally thought "Avila" as well, but then couldn't be certain if I actually remembered what Amanda Avila looked like at all. So these are the O'Donahue twins, who look like beer spokesmodels, but appear kind of cool, too. They were going to audition together, but one of them now has a hole in her vocal cord, and somewhere, A-Fed hisses at his TV screen. Actually, no, A-Fed is more like, "You know, I feel emotionally close to that girl, because I have been there with my dreams just waiting to come true and I am sad that her dreams will have to wait, but I hope she still keeps trying with all of her heart." And then he sings "You Light Up My Life" for no reason whatsoever. So they go in front of the judges and Simon and Randy are both like "twins, Basil!" but Paula is more amazed at their synched-up movements. So the singing twin is Rebecca O'Donahue (25, Dobbs Ferry NY), and she sings "Black Velvet," because she already has the hair so why not? The non-singing twin (I don't think we get her name) is crouched in the corner, intensely mimicking her sister and urging her onward. It's both creepy-intense and a little sweet. Rebecca doesn't suck, but she's not that great either. So the judging is very strange, with Paula starting out saying Rebecca's singing isn't beautiful like she is, and then there's Randy's boner hitting the underside of the table as he gives her "another shot." Simon says she's gorgeous but not a good enough singer. So she's out, right? No, because Paula then agrees with Simon, yet changes up her entire position on the fly and passes Rebecca through. Okay, not to get all science nerdy, but you know how supposedly all the cells in our body regenerate and replace themselves after seven years or so? So we are all, on a cellular level, completely different people than we were seven years ago, like how they talked about in Waking Life? My hypothesis is that Paula's cells regenerate themselves every thirty seconds. Which means she is simultaneously the great leap in human evolution like Jean Grey, but also she is in a constant state of Memento-like uncertainty. That's it. That's my explanation for Paula. Do with it what you will.
Tatiana Ward (22, Hatfield PA) is very pretty and round-faced and has stolen Joan Osborne's hair from the "One of Us" video. Tatiana is basically auditioning to stick it to her grandmother, who disowned Tatiana's mother when she married a black man, Tatiana's dad. I can truly get behind the "suck it, racist Grandma!" motivation. She sings "My Cherie Amour," and she has some sort of whiny catch in the back of her throat, which causes a lot of the notes to be clipped. She's not bad at all, though. When she's done, she immediately gets to the brown-nosing, telling Randy that she digs the argyle, and that it makes him look like her father. Who is sexy, she says. Now, we've seen Tatiana's mom, who doesn't really look anything like her daughter, and Tatiana's beautiful and had to get it from somewhere, so it's not like I'm disinclined to believe her, but: irrelevant. "My dad is sexy" is not where you want to be on national TV. Tatiana's mouth has become a runaway train that will not stop. Randy is sexy, but Paula is the sexiest, which makes Randy the hottest, and then she goes and mimics Simon's voice until Paula actually says "enough!" Damn. There's "endearingly chatty" -- just ask Amy Adams and her Oscar nomination -- but Tatiana has long since blown past that. And it's too bad, because it could very well just be nerves that are causing her mouth to do all this in spite of her. Simon can't get past the hair, which he dubs "poodle," even though I might have gone with "Chaka Kahn by way of Penny Lane." ["I'd have gone with 'cocker spaniel ears.'" -- Sars] Paula and Randy hate the song choice, which is probably fallout from the time that each and every one of the five guys who got eliminated in the semi-finals last year (who were all actually the same guy except Judd) sang that very song. But Tatiana gets through, despite Simon saying she was too "cabaret."
A montage of Ryan acting like a fool (all a way of showing that, yes, Ryan has a job to do) leads us to a video package about Idol contestants and the day jobs they hold down. Waiters, salespeople, a hockey coach, a donut shop worker, some dude who makes balloon animals (for a living?), dental assistant Gina, hot Chris Daughtry working some sort of retail desk, it looks like. How in the world did they settle on just one guy to represent the "I do drag" contingent? A piano salesman, this girl who waits tables and is a laborer. This guy who does the Big piano dance. A bus driver. A gardener. I really like this segment. It's a very uniting thing to see different people from the same generation working their 9-to-5 placeholder gigs, waiting for their real lives to begin. Solidarity, I suppose.
This leads up to Holly Corrente (25, North Providence RI), who works in a "rehabilitation home" for the disabled. To the best of my observation, it looks like Holly helps stroke victims regain their ability to function? I think? She plays music to some wheelchair-bound old men, and tries to help their recall. She's clearly a fantastic human being. She's got thick black streaks in her blonde hair, our Holly. She sings an Anastasia song I do not know, but I think she's pretty good. The judges are immediately on her about sounding "old-fashioned," which Holly good-naturedly attributes to singing Doris Day songs to old people for a living. It sucks that all three judges pass on her, even Paula, who would have totally put her through five minutes ago when her uppers were still kicking in. Holly's super-cool about it, with her hot (but unfortunately hatted) boyfriend and her positive attitude. She's like, "I don't know if I'll audition year, but who am I kidding, I totally will, because why not?" Holly is awesome.
Kenneth Maccarone (21, Providence RI) looks like a less attractive Ben Shenkman from Angels in America, complete with the bad posture we'll be seeing in a bit. He's wearing a t-shirt and a blazer, because he's all man and don't you ever forget it. Ryan's VO is already bitter, so you know what's coming, and Kenneth interviews about how the judges "came here with an idea and they're leaving with me." Lord. So he's auditioning with "Believe," which he sings like the impersonator from Cher's night terrors. The judges cannot even look at him. He really does stand all hunchy, which does him absolutely no favors. Perhaps it's the burden of being so put-upon by society for his unique talents that has weighed down his shoulders so much. So, of course, Simon tells him to go out and be a Cher impersonator if he's going to impersonate Cher like this, which is a total disservice to Cher impersonators worldwide and Simon needs to send them a written apology. So, but Kenneth is right there with the "absolutely not, I will never wear a dress, I am a man, and I will not dress up like a woman." Like he's just aghast at the thought. And this is a farce, because Kenneth came in here for the argument with Simon, like this is his gender studies oral term paper where he challenges the world's tired mores about dudes who sing like Cher. Like he's looking ugly discrimination right in the face and not blinking. Fuck off, Kenneth. He says he also can sing like Judy Garland. Too much. He's stacked the deck to the point where no thinking person can avoid going to the drag place, but he figures his clear and unassailable manliness is going to cause us all to sit and ponder our own prejudices. The incongruity of you singing Cher in a blazer and jeans does not automatically blow our minds! So Kenneth goes the long way around on a "Simon is an ass" joke, and Simon goes Dad, sort of, with a "don't get smart." Finally, Kenneth leaves thinking he's just won this moral victory over Simon, hauling his dignity out of the fire even though he was the one who put it there in the first place. Ryan is busy telling us all about the guys from Boston who sucked, and how all of them were still in junior high or whatever. A lot of them do look frightfully young, like they all saw Seacrest driving an ice cream truck and had to follow it until it arrived at the hotel, at which point they figured what the hell? This one zygote is denied and told he needs a new singing teacher, and then they show the kid and his teacher, who is somebody's different kind of uncle, though not nearly as fabulous as poor Nick. So, the funny thing is the kid is like, "My voice coach is pretty cool…he coached another girl here who also didn't make it." Oof. And I'm glad the show just let that lie there instead of breaking out the slide whistle or some such "that was funny!" cue.
This meditation on the youth who look young leads us to Kevin Covais (16, Levittown NY), who looks like an alien would if it were enlisting in the Marines. His haircut is really sabotaging him here. It makes his head look even pointier than it actually is. And since his chin is pointy as well, his entire face now looks like a turnip. Like, there's this Nickelodeon show called Hey, Arnold where the main kid's face is shaped like a football lying on its side. Kevin's face is like a football ready for kickoff. Which is not to say that I want him kicked in the face, because he's kind of great in a completely bewildered way. He's bringing us "youth and excitement" and a teensy speech impediment. He sings "You Raise Me Up," and I fucking hate Josh Groban, but this is at least the third time this season that someone unlikely has totally killed with this song. Kevin's great. You just know his parents haul him out to sing at family parties. Someone who got through to Hollywood is freaking out in the hallway while Kevin sings, and it's crazy loud but it doesn't faze him. He has this blinky thing when he sings that you notice only because your eyes are constantly drawn to his hugely prominent eyebrows. Simon calls him a "nice young man" -- which Kevin has been called his entire life, which itself began on Monday -- and says that anyone over eighty would love him. Paula volunteers herself for octogenarian status, then, because she loved him. I love how Paula says "that means I'm eighty," like she's piecing together her identity since her cells just regenerated again. Simon doesn't think anyone under twenty would be able to relate to him, but Paula thinks he has crazy underdog appeal. Paula's correct here, I'd wager. Simon presses what Paula means by "underdog," so she'll have to admit that Kevin looks funny. She also compares him to Clay Aiken, at which point Simon's like, "rude." Heh. They do the bit where Simon votes "no," gets overruled, and is happy about it anyway. I like when that happens.
Now everybody is singing Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World" very badly. After seven cities, the appeal of this "pick a song and butcher it" approach is waning. Of note: this girl with an American flag head scarf sings the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" part and then flaps her arms in the universally accepted "chicken dance" motion. Hmm. Nobody remembers the lyrics because not only were they not alive when the song was recorded, but they were still fetal when the effing Forrest Gump soundtrack happened. This dude dressed like GWAR comes to a full stop before asking for his line. Our New England Patriot from the top of the shows starts singing the Christmas carol instead. It's all dumb.Okay, this is some bullshit right here. Jaclyn Crum can't audition again because she made it to the Rooms of Uncertainty stage last season, and yet they're letting Clay Aiken audition again? I mean, I know his career has kind of hit the skids, but…oh, wait. Ryan's telling me that this isn't Clay but rather some guy who looks like Clay. I remain dubious. He really does look remarkably like Clay. He sort of has The Master fruit punch mouth, only without the fruit punch. If that makes sense. ["It's the teeth. Colonial-era-graveyard action going on there." -- Sars] He's all sorts of hyper and in everybody's face, and the poor C&C Music Factory guy from before has to stand in line with him all day, and I feel for him. He's hyper-dorky, he's surrounded by a support system of two non-sexual female companions, he's irritating, and he tells us we can call him Clay Aiken. Seacrest, are you sure he's not Clay? Because in addition to everything else, he looks like he may have possibly gone twelve rounds between the sheets with a Green Beret. I'm just saying! Question: Is Clay litigious like Tom Cruise is? Or does he just let the 'Mates take care of shit for him so he doesn't get his hands dirty? You know, just curious. ["Well. You're about to find out. In a big way. So there's that. I will miss you, Joe." -- Jacob] So he flounces into the judges' chamber (he IS Clay!), and the judges sort of giggle, but they remain seated at their table instead of dropping to their knees and throwing rose petals at his feet. Oh. Okay. So he's not Clay. Sorry, my bad. So this is Michael Sandecki (20, Washington D.C.), who will be singing "In the Still of the Night." Terribly. His face when he sings looks like he accidentally bit into an aspirin. He's so jittery, y'all. Now, the deal here is that he was awful, but the singing isn't so awful that it can stand alone as a bad audition. But the judges know who this guy looks like, so they know they have to make a big production out of it, and Simon looks weary at the prospect. So Michael helps them out by saying he's nervous and has to pee, and Simon -- seeing an opportunity to drag this out without having to be in the same room as Clay Gayken -- suggests he haul off to the "cloak room," come back, and try again.
Wednesday
HOLLYWOOD! We're promised ruthless judging and fierce competition, even though we see precious little of that tonight. We're also promised a whole lot of drama (a Brittenum bitching someone out on the phone! Ace Young asking for a do-over!) that we won't get until week. Tonight's episode has been reserved for seven-second performances and sight-seeing excursions. THIS is American Idol!
The drill in this first round of Hollywood auditions is, I believe, the same as last year: half the group will perform, while the other half will pile onto a tour bus so that the hayseeds (hi, Garet Johnson!) can all see what a palm tree looks like. While Ryan tells us about the stage construction (because with 175 auditions, we could use a little filler), we see vocal coaches Michael Orland and Debra Byrd working with the prospective Idols. For this round, contestants have to choose a song from a pre-approved list. There are twelve songs to choose from, though essentially the only ones we need to care about are as follows: "Hopelessly Devoted to You," as sung by pre-ho Sandy in Grease; "Can't Fight the Moonlight," as sung by post-ho Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly; "I'll Never Love This Way Again," as sung by pre-psychic Dionne Warwick; "If I Ever Fall in Love Again," as sung by pre-obscurity Shai; and "The First Cut Is the Deepest," which was sung by pre-Lance-breakup Sheryl Crow, though the rendition opted for here is likely Rod Stewart's version, not that I can tell the difference.First up is Kellie Pickler, who tells the judges she's going to be the American Idol because she "deserve[s] it." Bitch! Fucking string her up! Sorry, got caught up in the mob mentality for a second. So, I like Kellie well enough, but Ryan zooms us out of the audition so we can go through her back-story again, and I hate this shit. It's bad enough we know who's in or out by who gets the video package during the audition rounds. By now, they're all supposedly good singers, so why not let a little suspense hang in the air? But no, Kellie has to get the head-to-toe Carrie Underwood massage, complete with the wide-eyed wonderment and the "Keys? Keys are for cars, not for songs!" happy horseshit. ["I concur that that was too much, but I can't lie: I love the Pick." -- Sars] Kellie sings the Grease song, and I still mostly like her voice. It's okay. Again with the head-shaking movements ("no, no, don't stop a-rockin!"). She looks like she hit the fake 'n' bake in between here and Albemarle, and the fake 'n' bake hit back. Simon tells Kellie her timing was off, but he attributes that to nerves. Because he likes her. He does, however, tell her that he suspects nerves might be an issue with her going forward.
The process here is that contestants audition in groups of eight, and only after all eight have performed do the judges rule on who's in and who's out. They're using the "you, you, and you step forward…you're in," Heidi Klum-style. Kellie is the only one the show gives a damn about in her group, and (try to contain your shock) she gets through. Also getting through in this group, unless my eyes deceive me, is Tyra Schwartz, she of the unfortunate ponytail, cheating boyfriend, and endlessly teased personality conflict week.
up is a tall, skinny, cute guy named Patrick Hall (27, Gravette AR) who we have not seen before. He sings a song I've never heard called "If," which my research tells me was originally made famous by Bread. Yeah. So, despite all that, Patrick is amazing. The song goes very, very high…into what I guess might still be called a falsetto, but it's not like a Timberlake falsetto. Patrick's voice is very soft at the edges, and he keeps perfect control of it, even as it reaches that level where only dogs can hear it. It's gorgeous to listen to, this voice of his. Paula is lost in her own little world listening to him. Randy isn't feeling the "star factor," which is probably due to the "Ichabod Crane neck" factor, which is valid. Simon says he's "Clay Aiken, but likeable," which I'm going to attribute to the following equations: T + Sk = Cl and Cl x Cu = L (where T = tall, Sk = skinny, Cl = Clay, Cu = cute face, and L = likeable). Patrick makes it to Hollywood, along with however many others from his group who we don't see.
The tour group is at the Hollywood Bowl. Here's the deal, guys: I don't care about the Hollywood tours and neither do you. It's filler, and annoying filler at that. So unless something truly notable happens at these excursions (which will be, like, once), I'm just going to gloss over them and get back to the performing. Good deal? So, to sum up: The Hollywood Bowl. Is "amazing."Here comes a hurricane of gross: R.J. Norman and Sgt. Steven David are sharing an introductory video. You might remember R.J. from such films as How to Schmooze a Girl in Ten Seconds, and Sgt. Steven from such films as The Taking of Paula One Two Three. Also, I totally heard that Jacob loves R.J. beyond all reason. That's the word around town. ["It's true! You can tell by how I said he should be in a plane crash! And that he was completely worthless for anything but sex! Clearly, I'm a huge fucking fan!" -- Jacob] It's brilliant to put R.J. and Sgt. Steven together, of course, because they're the same amount of smarmy and uncool. R.J. walks onto the stage and is already pointing at girls in the crowd and saying a special hello to Paula. Randy hates him, if you recall, and R.J. is defensive about that and asks why Randy is laughing at him. Paula calls him a "comedian," to which R.J. replies, "I'm not a comedian, I'm just a likeable guy." There's a priceless shot of April Walsh (who sang Bjork in Denver) in the audience, slack-jawed at the concept of R.J. and "likable" co-existing. Both R.J. and Sgt. Steven sing "If I Ever Fall in Love Again," and they're both…decent? Okay? We only get three seconds of vocals apiece, so there's no way to tell. Perhaps we should look back to our Hollywood Bowl excursion for the answers. In their group, R.J. and Sgt. Steven are joined by Ryan Baysden as the only three not to step forward. Simon kind of fakes them out with "congratulations…on getting this far, you're going home." Ryan fist-pumps at the first word, then slowly comprehends the meaning of the rest of it. Out in the lobby, nobody's happy. Sgt. Steven is perturbed by the "congratulations" thing, you can tell. Ryan swears a lot. Sgt. Steven says Simon gave him "a chip on [his] shoulder," because he never did anything to "completely disrespect" Simon. Goddamn judges. Always judging you. Seacrest's voice-over is a shade too gleeful as he notes how R.J. was the one from the group who cried. Jacob's right about the face, y'all. Do what you will to the rest of him, but leave the face alone.
Asshole tourists running on a beach. Oh, so this is kind of important. Megan Zieger woke up this morning feeling sick. She thinks this is "crazy." She would also like you to know that she's "one of the better singers," but her voice is in distress. She thinks she'll be in trouble when she auditions the day.
Taylor "Silver Foxx" Hicks is performing "The First Cut Is the Deepest," and doing his normal epilepsy thing. It's not just the movements, although they're still there, albeit under slightly more control than they were back in Vegas. He's also employing the "oh, yeah" end caps to his lines, and the post-stroke DeNiro is still large and in charge. His voice is pretty good, I will completely grant. And he's likeable, and he's a change of pace, and all good things. I just dread him. I dread the whole Taylor thing that is to come once he gets how own 1-866 number. He's all the parts of Bo and Clay and Savol that I hated the most, and the fact so little of this is of his own doing means that I cannot resent him for it. Anyway, he's got a great smile. And Simon now thinks he is "interesting," though he also says the people at home will think he's somebody's dad. To which Taylor says "thank you." Because on some level, both he and Simon know that's what's going to get him votes.Back at the beach, we see Garet Johnson, the teeny little cowboy dude who sings to his turkeys and jumped around like a leprechaun when he got through to Hollywood. He is literally transfixed by the ocean. We also see him staring out the window of his hotel room, exactly like Kellie Pickler did before. Honestly, though, the first time I went to Manhattan, I did the same thing, and I'm not exactly from Bumfuck, originally. It doesn't seem fake to me, is what I'm saying. Garet's kind of overwhelmed, and he refers to himself as the "cryin' cowboy." ["He is SO CUTE." -- Sars] Back at the beach, Garet gets Zen about the fact that this dream of his is going to have to end sometime. He just hopes it's "later rather than sooner." As the Rolling Stones remind us how sometimes we just might find we get what we need, Garet wades out into the surf. It's both fake ("American Idol, making dreams come true") and real ("dude, an ocean!") at once.
It's Day Two now, which means the tourists become singers and the singers become tourists. They keep showing Ace Young and Chris Daughtry hanging around with each other, which is dangerous, if you ask me. Remember how, in that volcano movie, Scientist Anne Heche discovers that one specific part of Los Angeles has raised its water temperature by an entire degree, which turns out to be because of lava? Like that. Only with people. Ryan interviews Megan Zieger, who is still feeling sick and is still worried about it. As Megan listens in on a rather poor-sounding rendition of "Can't Fight the Moonlight," she gets kind of freaked. She's hearing people who are "not even on the level that [she's] on" sounding better than her today. And yeah, there's some significant ego in there, but to me it seems more honest than anything. She knows how she sounds, she knows she's not normally that bad, but today she is.
Anyhoo, Ryan jumps in like the older brother he sometimes is and reminds us at home how Carrie went double platinum with her album. And also that the Brittenums smell, though that may have been silent. This segues into a tour stop at the Kodak Theater, which is pointless.
Back to the Brittenums, who are still yapping about how America will make up their own minds, not the judges, and "America don't lie." Except when they vote for Carrie. And then the one is like, "Maybe they do lie, who knows?" Their bases covered for whom to blame when they eventually get bounced, they're done. For now. Ryan's voice-over hates them even more than I do.
Montage o' people singing "If I Ever Fall In Love Again," which include: Gina Glocksen, the girl-band-singing dental assistant; David Radford, the fake-ass crooner; Ace Young, the swoony boy band guy; and Kevin Covais, our very own McVeigh from another planet. The results vary, in the following ways: Gina is really good, but I like her in general so I could be overstating. As with everyone tonight, it's three seconds of material to judge on. David Radford sounds like complete ass, and you can hear him actually have to turn on the "croon" in his voice since the song naturally resists it. Kevin's voice is as strong as it was in Boston, which is encouraging. The best of the bunch, honestly, is Ace. The song falls right in his Backstreet wheelhouse, and he puts enough "performance" in there without being obnoxious about it. Also, I thought he was rather pseudo-sexy in Denver, but he's turning it on for real tonight. He knows exactly what to do with it, too. Remember how Constantine handled his sex appeal like a kid with a BB gun? ["Specifically an imaginary one?" -- Jacob] Ace knows better, and can modulate so he doesn't wind up leering or preening. Good stuff. All four advance.The Simmons twins have to deal with some good-natured (though secretly not really) ribbing from the Brittenums before they perform. Joshua Simmons sings "Bless the Broken Road," while Jarrett opts for "I Believe in You and Me." They both sound way better than another pair of twins I might mention, but Simon calls Joshua forgettable, and tells Jarrett that the song was "too big" for him. The latter is definitely true, but I'd have passed at least Joshua on. The judges disagree, and both are sent home. Out in the hallway, this one girl is apparently the hug patrol, as we earlier saw her enthuse with Kevin Covias over his advancement. She's sad for the Simmonses, and tells them they'll just have to "make an album" instead. "Featuring me," she addendums. Heh. The Brittenums also think they should make an album, and offer to hook them up with some industry contact or another. Also, they offer to get them some Colombian passports, should the need ever arise.
As we wrap up Day Two, the montage o' cut contestants includes I think Jayne Santayana. There's also this chick with a flower in her hair who's doing some hysterical poetry slam about how she didn't make it and now she has to go back to Queens with someone else's money in her pockets. I sure hope it's in cash, lest the Brittenums get any ideas.
week: Groups! Drama! My tape cuts off before the previews are done, but I'm assuming: Rooms of Uncertainty! Jacob! Yay!