Tonight's pre-credit sequence is all about how nervous the finalists are, now that there are no more saves and no second chances. But the onscreen graphics promise that "ANOTHER SHOCK ROCKS IDOL." It's about time something did.
The judges enter, to the usual audience welcome. There's Taylor Hicks in the audience, possibly angling for one of those weekly alumni shots, or hoping Kris Allen gets hit with a stomach bug. Ryan comes out and announces that there were 53 million votes counted last night, a record for the season. Like that's a high bar. Then the finalists come out to sing "Dancing in the Streets." You'd think it be tough to do this song worse than David Bowie and Mick Jagger in the '80s, but you shouldn't underestimate your top seven. A deluge of balloons rains down on the stage at the end of the song, and it's a sign of how into this performance I am that my first thought is, "How are they going to get all those cleared away before we come back from the commercial break?"
Somehow they manage it, though. I guess everyone pitched in, because now the top seven are back on the couches. And I'm glad that I haven't completely lost my ability to be mortified by these Ford "music videos," because this one, in which they go out at night to look at themselves as overly made-up constellations in the sky actually makes me blush. Remember when the most embarrassing moments on television were on The Office?
Ryan then turns his attention to the top seven, asking if things have changed for them now that the judges have blown their wad, save-wise. Hollie points out that none of them were ever counting on it anyway. Well, not until last week, when the bottom three were named and Steven announced they'd be using it no matter what. Ryan then asks if they're all tight, and after some mushily affirmative murmuring, Ryan calls Hollie and Joshua front and center. In revisiting the performances they gave last night and the comments they got from the judges, Jimmy (wearing headphones around his neck) says Joshua helped himself out by staying in his sweet spot, and that Hollie was less nervous than she usually is, but will probably still be in the bottom three. He doesn't think much of Hollie's chances to make it to the finale, but he seems more confident in Joshua. Back onstage, Ryan mentions how Joshua almost didn't stay on the plane to come to Hollywood, due to his claustrophobia. It'll be fun to send him on tour, then.
Ryan dims the lights and tells Joshua, "I'm afraid you didn't get the right number of votes...to put you in the bottom three!" Yep, Joshua is safe. He and Hollie hug before he heads back over to the couches, and then Ryan doesn't waste much time telling Hollie that she's in the bottom three. Over to the stools she goes. Again. I'm glad to see they're skipping last week's top-seven charade with the groups and the "guess which side you're on" exercise, though. That must have been tough to resist.
Ryan talks to Taylor Hicks in the audience, and he announces that he's going to be playing Vegas this summer. He doesn't name the venue, though, so presumably it's the Cheetah Club. Ryan unwisely offers to let Taylor introduce the performer, but then after Taylor hollers, "Kris Alleeeeen!" Ryan has to snatch the mic back and give the background like he should have done in the first place. Kris Allen is singing his new single "Vision of Love," which sounds like roughly the opposite of the song with that title by Mariah Carey. But on the other hand, the beat-to-shit upright piano he's playing is on a turntable, and someone passed handheld LEDs out to the whole audience for them to wave around during the song, so it comes out even.
The lucky pair to be called out is Skylar and Elise. Jimmy observes that they both sang Marvin Gaye songs last night, but Skylar sang hers well. He suspects Elise will be back at her vacation home in the bottom three, and to reach the finale, she's going to have to repeat her Led Zeppelin triumph. Every week. Kind of a tall order, that. But Skylar, in Jimmy's opinion, is the best performer they've got. Coming back from this, Ryan brings Skylar down a bit by asking if being in the bottom three a couple of weeks ago fired her up. Is she ever not? Ryan's then wonders if Elise thinks Jimmy and the judges are hardest on her. "Yeah, definitely," Elise says, guessing that they probably figure she can take it. It's clearly growing wearisome for her, though. And then Ryan takes several long pauses telling her that she's in the bottom three. She heads over to join Hollie, and Skylar is sent back to the couches. Like the whole bottom three was going to be announced only halfway through the episode
Looks like the crew has been busy today, putting together a proper tribute for the late Dick Clark, narrated by Ryan, of course. And concluding with a clip of Ryan kissing his mentor's ass during New Year's Rockin' Eve. What a moving salute to Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest.
LMFAO perpetrates their latest novelty dance single "Sorry for Party Rocking." Here in the Twin Cities, the show has been periodically interrupted by loud severe weather drills that drown out the audio and I have to pause until it's over. I'm really wishing for one of those right now. Instead, I have to make do with the dirty words being blanked out. Damn you, National Weather Service!
Only three finalists left to run this week's gauntlet: Phillip, Colton, and Jessica. Ryan hauls them over to center stage and plays about ten minutes of clips from last night before we finally get to Jimmy's opinion. Jimmy has realized that Jessica's singing songs that are too old for her, and blames himself as her mentor. But he promises that they'll give her more age-appropriate tunes from now on. Well, I've been listening to a lot of Kids Place Live radio with my kid in the car, so I'm sure we can suggest a few. "Gonna Get a Hamster" by the Jimmies, for example. I don't think they'd even need to cut it.
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As for Colton and Phillip, Jimmy thinks they were on opposite ends of the spectrum, with Phillip doing well enough on the Usher tune to make up for a take-it-or-leave-it "Midnight Hour." Jimmy agrees with me on how Colton's Lady Gaga cover was all wrong, but he describes it more colorfully as a cross between 1985 MTV and Spiderman on Broadway. Ouch. Jimmy thinks Colton needs to regroup to make it to the finale, whereas I'm watching this thinking that the only way Colton doesn't make the finale is if he goes on steroids yesterday and puffs out like Jerry Lewis. Jimmy also thinks Phillip should be in the finale, due to making the best song choices, and they'll have to get Jessica some teeny-bopper crap to get her into the finale, because what they're doing now isn't working. Yikes, I can see this going so wrong.
After that, Ryan lets Jennifer babble for a bit before taking the lights down. Ryan reminds Jessica how the judges saved her last week, but there's no saving her this week..."from the stress of this competition." She goes back to the couches, leaving either Colton or Phillip to join the bottom three for the first time ever...and it's Colton, meaning Phillip is safe. Hollie and Elise are called over to join Colton and Ryan center stage. Ryan asks Randy if America got it right, naming Colton and Hollie and Elise as the bottom three, but Randy doesn't have an answer, which means yes (especially in Colton's case), plus it's moot anyway. Ryan creepily takes Elise by the hand and leads her back over to the stools, saying she's going to have another rough night. "I'm going to have to ask you to sit down," because she's going to have to watch one of her friends go home. Elise: "Shut up!" No shit, lady. Hollie and Colton will be left in suspense through what will be the last commercial break for one of them.
Coming back, Ryan wishes both Hollie and Colton luck. He's being insincere to at least one of them. Colton puts his arm around Hollie while they wait for Ryan's interminable announcement -- Colton's out, Hollie's safe. Did not see that coming. Clearly neither did his little sister, who is crying in the audience. Ryan asks Colton what happened, and Colton's answer is to apologize. "I wasn't myself last night." He tells the judges that he'll take their advice when he goes on and makes his record. Well, nobody can be humble forever. Or, you know, for five seconds in a row.
Farewell clip: little sister Schyler or however you spell it auditioning and getting Colton drafted, which is how all this started; there's his Vanilla Ice period during Hollywood week, and his non-dating of Skylar, and his greatest moments on the live shows. Ryan promises Colton a great career, and lets him sing us out, which he does on his knees. How very...Colton.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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