Previously: "Sigh-yuh-lent night. I said a-sigh-yu-lent night." Also, a handful of people moved on to the round of auditions in Hollywood.
Footage of planes and arrival monitors let us know that the aspiring idols flew into Los Angeles, as opposed to floating there on a cloud of their own sense of accomplishment. A gaggle of female contestants walks by somewhere else entirely. One of them says that they're going to have to pick more than one winner, because "[they] all are stars." How much do you want to bet that she'll be the first to talk smack about the other contestants if it will give her an advantage?
So it seems that the judges told the winners they were Hollywood-bound because declaring, "You're coming to Pasadena!" lacks the same sort of oomph. Or perhaps FOX wants us all to forget that they ever aired a show by that name. Nevertheless, the contestants are actually herded into the Pasadena Civic Center. Simon tells the collected group, "One of you here today is gonna be the most famous person in America -- The American Idol." Oh, Simon, we thought you were going to be the one to tell these kids the truth? Well, he doesn't say how long they'll be the most famous person in America. Black and Decker voice-over that the kids will be subjected to three more days of auditions, and by the end, thirty finalists will remain.
After the opening credits, Black and Decker saunter in to show us a set under construction. What a perfect place for a couple of tools. This is where the performances will take place. Then they cut back to the civic center, where the hopefuls mill around and prepare for their auditions. There's Elias, dressed like the director of a '40s musical. Eventually they begin calling the kids in for the round of eliminations. As the camera focuses on some young woman who raided Destiny's Child's wardrobe, Black and Decker narrate that the kids will be brought on stage in groups of ten, in a "chorus line from hell." Each one will step forward and sing a verse and a chorus from a song, just like in the first round. Half of the kids will be cut, and the rest will move on to the round.
In the very first group is Jacquette Williams, the super-extra-plus-sized woman who never thought she'd even make it past the first round. Well, I hope she liked her stay in Pasadena, because this is where the Train of Diversity disembarks. She sings a verse of "Respect" fairly well. After yanking her chain back in Chicago, Simon simply tells Jacquette that "[she doesn't] look like an American Idol." Jacquette responds, "Says who?" Simon gives another spiel about how the "record-buying audience around the world" expects a certain image from their idols. Randy asks Simon what "the look" of an American Idol is and points out that she just sang Aretha Franklin, hardly a svelte pixie of a pop icon. Simon argues that if Aretha showed up today on a show like this, she wouldn't win. Ouch. But is the problem that kids won't buy acts like Aretha, or is the problem that guys in charge like Simon have convinced themselves that kids won't buy acts like Aretha so never even give them the option? And also, why isn't anybody challenging Simon's creds? None of the acts he represents have managed to crack the American market. Why should we trust his judgment? The performers aren't the only ones here trying to make it big in America, are they, Simon?
Paula asks him if pop is just about "the look" then, as if she didn't know the answer to that question already and "the look" isn't what propelled her up the charts in the first place. Simon simply responds, "I don't make the rules." Jacquette is eliminated. I guess Paula and Randy don't disagree enough with Simon to actually overrule him; they just wanted to come off as sensitive. Cowards. Out in the hall, Jacquette is in good humor about it all and does a funny impersonation of Simon saying that she doesn't look like an American Idol. Aww. Bye, Jacquette.
Another round of auditions. Elias's charms have worn off. Simon tells Elias that he's funny and nice, but doesn't sing very well. He's gone. All the other contestants give him hugs because he was such a fabulous sweetie-pie.
We get a montage of various recognizable contestants moving on. Jim, R.J., A.J., and Kelli are among those who get the thumbs-up. Incidentally, the judges are doing this thing where, at the end of each group of auditions, they ask certain contestants to step forward, creating two lines. Then they tell one line that it's moving on, meaning that the other is eliminated. But they change it from round to round, so the contestants can't be sure which group they're in until the judge announces it. The judges are totally milking their power over these kids rather than doing something like, "The following contestants are moving on." There's absolutely no sign of Karma. She must have decided against converting to the Church of Skank.
Outside, some of the kids celebrate, while Ryan the host dances like a crack-addled monkey among them, because he's a total camera whore. He really needs a good ass-kicking. Brian is off somewhere, probably crying to his therapist.
All the survivors from the round are brought back on stage to revel in their good fortune and to find out what's up . The judges spring a surprise on the kids. Rather than just sending them off for a good night's rest in preparation for the day, they're separating them into groups and giving them songs to sing. The kids are split by gender and taught their song by the show's pianist, some guy named Lionel. Fortunately, Black and Decker have no "pianist" jokes for us. All the girls are taught Dionne Warwick's "I Say A Little Prayer," while the boys get Stevie Wonder's "For Once In My Life" (thanks to JuliaGulia for providing the title for that one). The kids are supposed to practice this song and perform in groups of three or four the very day. The idea is to see how they adapt under pressure.
Back at the hotel, the women are hard at work at one in the morning, memorizing the lyrics and practicing some tame dance moves. The boys, we are told, decide to call it a night and worry about it in the morning. We see three of the guys hanging out in the hotel hot tub, with the appropriate "I'm not gay" distance between them. Back in his room, Jim gets a jump on his MTV Diary episode by recording himself talking about how late it is and how he's going to bed. He says that it's almost three in the morning, so obviously he was doing something. But nice try making us think the boys are all slackers. He can't even remember the name of the song he's singing. He's either really tired or really stupid.
The morning, the kids return to the civic center, allegedly still tired from the night before. They're all like twenty years old. They can probably be up for another thirty hours before they even need a little nap. They warm up as Black and Decker voice-over that these auditions will cut the field down from sixty-five to forty-five.
Tenia and Alexandra have, of course, been put together in their group. Black and Decker refer to them as "The Miami Spice." Why, yes, they are as tired as The Spice Girls. Thanks for noticing. They're teamed up with a third girl named Jennifer, whom we've never seen before. The three of them are the first to audition today. The way it works is that each person in the group sings the entire song, while the other two serve as back-up; then they rotate leads. Tenia, again, is with the glitter eye-shadow. Wipe that shit off, girl. Alexandra is totally trying to look as much like Britney Spears as possible. She's wearing a spangled butterfly apron for a shirt, just like those girls in Eden's Crush who wouldn't give her the time of day. Their singing is just as bland as it was before. Inexplicably, Jennifer is cut, but Tenia and Alexandra move on. The two of them dance idiotically outside like the girl-tools that they are and mug for the cameras.
We move on to see other auditioners making the musical equivalent of a pratfall. The girl who said at the beginning that they're all stars forgets the lyrics to the song. We finally get to see Mark perform, and he forgets the lyrics to his song, too, but manages to get back on track. His voice is blah, but Paula smiles at him. I think she really just wants to do him. Rodesia, a woman notable for the big-ass flower in her hair, forgets the lyrics. Simon flops his head onto the table. A.J. apparently does a bad job as well. Randy says that the performances are so bad that it makes him never want to hear the song again.
Black and Decker voice-overs that Paula's had days like that. No fucking kidding. She's had a career like that. Black and Decker uses this as a segue to introduce us to Paula's Dad, who is identified as the "special guest of the day." Being told that Paula Abdul's dad qualifies as a "special guest" is just the saddest thing. Outside the building, Black and Decker interview Paula and her dad. Dad laughs at the number of horrible auditions Paula has been through. Paula admits that she used to cry at the auditions, too and asks her dad how many times she was told no. Not enough. Paula, by the way, is wearing an orange blouse and a leopard-print fedora. Yikes. One of those items can work, if managed properly, but not both.
Inside, Jim and his group are still practicing for their set. Okay, we haven't even had any commercials yet, but they feel the need to tell us again that Jim's parents are deaf and show him signing his own performance, even though they just showed this minutes ago when Jim was in his hotel room. He and his two teammates (who aren't cute and don't have a sob story, and thus are never identified) go out to perform, and Jim forgets the lyrics. He covers pretty much by essentially inventing words for it that may or may not fit in with the real lyrics. Afterwards, Simon asks Jim how he thinks he performed, and Jim admits that he was awful. Randy asks him why they all keep forgetting the words. Jim attributes it to nerves and kisses ass by saying that it's because they all really want to impress the judges. Well, they don't look really impressed. However, when it's time for the decision, Jim gets to move on, while the other two are sent home. Man, they must have really had some stinker auditions today. The other kids cheer Jim. They must really like him. He runs outside for an interview with Black and Decker. Brian asks him if there's anything he wants to say to Simon. Jim tells the camera, "Simon, you're a good guy. You're a good guy. And I thank you for this opportunity. And as per your demands, I'll be waiting for you in your room tonight, dressed like a naughty schoolboy. I'll even cut you a fresh switch."
Others aren't so apologetic for their poor performances. Some guy named Josh has the gall to blame the material. But we'll have to wait until after the commercials to see that confrontation.
When we return, more kids are forgetting the lyrics. One of the guys amusingly works into the song that he forgot the words, and it's kind of funny. Josh Crumpton and his group are practicing on the stairwell. He smugly tells the camera, "Whatever happens, happens, but I'll have a record deal, so I'm not worried about it." Yeah, he's gonna get signed by Hubris Records any day now. He totally chokes and forgets the words, putting "la la la la la"s in place of the lyrics. He kind of chuckles during the song like it's no big deal. Simon tells Josh that he doesn't think he needs to say how awful the performance was, but Josh responds, "Well, I liked it, so I'm happy." Simon asks him if he thought it was a good performance. Josh responds, "From what I had to work with? Yes." A Stevie Wonder hit? You poor thing. Simon points out that all the guys got the same thing, and I guess the other two in his group managed to remember the words. Josh's clueless response is, "They're not me, I'm me." The ability to remember song lyrics isn't some identifying personality trait, dude. It's part of the job. He goes on to defensively explain that he tried and that Simon can't accuse him of not trying or whatever. Tah-mee-ka's spirit lives on. Josh insists that he's proud of himself and Simon can't take that away. Simon doesn't really care if Josh is proud of himself or not. These are auditions, not therapy. Paula points out that being judged is part of the reality of these auditions. You'd think Josh would be hip to that by now. In the end, the other two guys (whose names we still don't know) move on, and Josh is cut. Out in the hall, Josh whines to Black and Decker that Simon "has not given [him] a positive attitude since [he] met him." Josh, honey, you're the one auditioning. Simon gets to give any kind of attitude he wants. Josh insists that he will have a record deal, and he will be on television, and he will go platinum, and "what anybody thinks is irrelevant." Does he understand that other people are necessary for him to produce a record? That people besides himself have to like his singing in order to go platinum?
We get a montage of people worrying about what Simon is going to think, because they can't remember the lyrics. We cut to a group of four boys (one of them is R.J.) and are introduced to Khaleef Chiles. Khaleef is supposed to be working with these guys, but he'll have nothing to do with them. He's heard about Hubris Records and wants in on the action. He tells the camera that if he makes it through this round, he'll try ten times harder the round, and then bails on the others. Actually, maybe he just thinks he's doomed and doesn't want to be a burden. Maybe I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for once. Naaah. After he leaves, the other three boys gather around the camera to dish. They explain that all last night, the three of them were "pounding it out" ("hardcore," R.J. adds), and Khaleef never even showed up. Well, I think perhaps he doesn't go for the same kind of hardcore pounding that these three do. God, I'm such a catty bitch, aren't I? ["And we love you for it." -- Sars]
They perform, and Khaleef is just awful. Awful. He sings with an ear-piercingly bad falsetto. He sounds like Usher singing while getting his balls crushed. But amazingly, he is selected to move on, along with the other three guys. Now Khaleef is just this big team player and jumps in on the hugs with the other guys. Backstage, one of the guys wonders what orifice they pulled that performance out of. Well, which orifice did you pound it into? Ew. Sorry. Khaleef unironically says they'll be working hard that evening. But, you know, he only does the pounding, because he heard that didn't mean you were funny or anything.
Now we're introduced to Natalie Burge. Black and Decker insist that she's sixteen. Was she born on Leap Day? I don't think so. She looks at least twenty-three. Natalie tells somebody else to "do your thing. That's what they want, and you're in a group because they want you to stand out. And they want to see who rocks and who doesn't." The uncompleted part of this thought is, "And I fully intend to be the one who stands out in this group, and if either of you so much as brushes against my spotlight, I'll snatch you bald right there onstage." The moment the girls hit the stage, Natalie totally hams it up, trying to elicit a reaction out of Simon. She's kind of like the female version of Jim. She does, indeed, dominate the audition, even though her voice really isn't anything to write home about. Still, Simon loves her personality and jokes about her obvious selfishness marking her as a successful pop star. Yeah, remember that speech someday when she's shrieking profanities at you and throwing bottles of mineral water at your head because she got bumped from The Tonight Show when George Clooney's interview went over. She laughs and tells Simon that she'll see him at the Grammys. Hate her. Hope she loses.
we meet Max Lev, whose flame burns brighter than any Olympic torch. They show a clip of him singing "If I Were A Rich Man" at the first auditions. He was clearly one of the guys, like Elias, brought back for his entertainment value. Max has a different problem from the other contestants: Randy's the one who doesn't like him, not Simon. In an interview, Max says that Randy dislikes him because Max is a "Broadway diva."
Then we meet Jules Sanchez, a pudgy guy with matted, greasy hair and a breathy voice with no range. In the first auditions, the judges invited him on to Hollywood, but told him he needed to work on his look. In a clip, we see Jules wearing a hideous shirt with big stars on it. It looks like something Yakov Smirnoff would wear. He explains that he went out and got his eyebrows waxed. That appears to be the extent of his "makeover." His hair and clothes are still awful. I think his jacket is made out of an old car seat. Max and Jules were both in the same group. We don't get to hear Max sing, because he's just too gay and FOX is afraid the sound of his voice will convert people. Jules screws up the lyrics, although I honestly couldn't tell. But he has no range and just isn't very good. Everybody in the group is punted. Backstage, Max vamps out some more for the cameras. Max might well be Amnesia out of drag. Jules, however, doesn't take rejection very well and gets the chance to confront the judges…after this commercial break.
In case you had forgotten -- and after seeing these kids, I now understand why this show thinks we have no short-term memory -- the finalists selected tonight will be performing for us week, and we will choose who wins.
That damned Fastlane preview. It's like they asked the editors of Maxim to develop a show.
We return to Black and Decker, who have absolutely nothing of interest to say, and spend about thirty seconds saying it. Back at the auditions, things are going more positively. Of course, these guys have had most of the day to practice, unlike the others. We see Justin (Eeeeeeee!) get approved, but we don't hear him sing, because they have to carefully ration the charisma to prevent overstimulation. A guy we keep seeing in a sleeveless, gray shirt, but have yet to be introduced to, is also approved. I just wanted to point that out because I think he's hotter than Justin and Adriel. So there.
Trinity is in the last group to perform. She didn't bring the picture of her dead dad this time. Maybe she needed the inspiration after all, because her performance doesn't go well; she's out of tune and can't really stay on the beat. Paula asks her how she thinks she did. They never ask you how you think you did when you're good. Trinity admits that she could have been a little bit louder. Simon tells her that the last thing she needed was to be louder. In the end, everybody in the group (which includes Tamyra and Alexis) except for Trinity is asked to stay. Trinity starts to walk off, but the others rush over to give her a hug. Out in the hall, Trinity works on spin control with Black and Decker. She says that she felt that "this wasn't [her] place. [Her] place is in the church," where none of the girls show up wearing aprons as shirts and coat their eyelids with glitter. She says she got this feeling right when she walked in the door. And saw all those exposed torsos, no doubt.
Back inside, Jim and Natalie ham it up together in celebration. Man, they would make the most annoying couple on earth. But back at the stage, the contestants who have been eliminated get the chance to speak their piece to the judges, because this episode doesn't have all the entertainment value of seeing the freaks in the premiere. Jules steps up to the front to vomit out all the sour grapes he's been eating since his elimination. He tells Simon that he's witnessed "the hearts that [he] broke during this competition, and the souls that [he's] stomped on, and how he degregaded [sic] people." He whines that Simon would critique contestants' originality, when Simon's "persona" isn't original. Simon sits there with a complacent "what-the-fuck-ever" look on his face. Jules turns to Paula, and first butters her up by spinning all sorts of lies about how wonderful a performer Paula was, but asks if she would have ever survived an audition like this. Paula interrupts him to point out that she's been rejected hundreds of times. At least she's honest about how hard a road she had to grab even a little slice of fame.
Then Jules turns to Randy and says, "If you want to go the gym, I will work out with you, my friend…" and he's interrupted here by the sound of all the other rejectees freaking the hell out and trying to get away from this nutjob. They're not total idiots; they realize that pursuing a pop career probably means future encounters with Mr. Jackson and want to at least leave him on a positive note. Jules is so not going anywhere in the music industry. Half of them start to leave the stage as Jules tries to give some sob story about how he lost all this weight. Tell it to Jared, dude. Nobody here cares. Randy brings down the hammer, telling Jules that he has a horrible image and needs to lose even more weight. I'm surprised Randy's saying that, given his defense of the large women. Maybe it's only women who are allowed to be fat. It's like reverse discrimination! Except that when push came to shove, they eliminated the fat girls, too, so never mind. Then Randy mocks Jules's awful style, focusing on his hideous jacket. Have you seen some of the outfits they wear in boy bands? I swear I've seen Joey Fatone similarly attired. Randy ends his rant by simply pointing out to Jules that he wasn't picked because he simply wasn't good enough, and he needs to go home and learn from the experience and come back even better. Simon needs to cut all this off, not to mention get in the final snark, and simply tells Jules that he's where he is now "because [he's] a loser." I bet that comment is what sparked the parking lot confrontation that caused Simon to get a bodyguard. We end with a montage of the rejectees looking sad.
Then we move to a montage of the remaining forty-five contestants, talking on the phone and prepping for their final auditions. Jim signs "I Love You" to his parents. Following the commercials, we'll see the group's final performances for the judges.
I bet Stefanie just loves Pizza Hut's "Insider Pizza" with the extra layer of cheese. Cheese! Cheese is awesome!
Oh, also, an important American automotive manufacturer is a sponsor of the show. They've sunk so much money into the program that Randy and Simon have agreed to do this really fake scene in Simon's convertible where they discuss what Randy's looking for in an American Idol while the company's logo sits there, gracing the corner. Since Randy says nothing that isn't completely obvious (not to mention the same as what he said last episode), and since, again, the car company hasn't sent me any money, I'm not going to say which brand of car it was.
Black and Decker sit outside the civic center to explain that this is the contestants' last shot to make it to the final thirty. We get a montage of people preparing. The girl from the beginning who forgot the lyrics still managed to make it to this point. Jim goes around taping people, which only enhances his "Mark from Rent" persona that folks on the boards have observed. The contestants each get one last, full song. All the other contestants sit in the audience to smile and clap insincerely for whoever is onstage while mentally commanding them to forget the words and go off-key. Black and Decker says it's for "moral support." Same difference.
Tamyra is first to perform, singing "Get Here." I always thought the lyric went "cross the desert in a caravan," when it's actually "cross the desert like an Arab man." I'm making songs more PC in my own head. Tamyra rocks, although I think she started off a little flat.
Khaleef is , performing "Daydream Believer." He's still freaking awful. He sounds like Usher still, but this time doing an impersonation of Justin Timberlake after sucking on helium and then singing out of his nose. He jumps off the stage and starts singing directly to Kelli in the audience. Guess Simon was right about her "X-Factor." Backstage, Brian asks Khaleef what possessed him to jump offstage and sing to Kelli. Well, I think he's actually aware that his voice isn't cutting it compared to the other guys, and he needed those extra points from charisma.
Some girl named Ashanti is the first of several folks to sing "Unchained Melody." Don't we already have a pop star named Ashanti? She's followed by Brad Estrin, Nikki Ozment, and several others who aren't even identified. Nikki, apparently, is another Popstars reject. You know, if I were one of these passed-over finalists, I'd be furious, because they all talk about how a pop star is partially about "image," yet these guys are being handicapped because the show isn't letting us get to know anything about them. It's almost like they're trying to fix it to give certain people an advantage. When they do the performance shows, they'd better give each singer a decent profile beforehand.
We stop to watch Akeele Relliford, who looks an awful lot like Iman. She sings "Save The Best For Last," but the pressure causes her to start forgetting the lyrics. It ends up turning into a sing-along, as the other contestants start singing out the lyrics to her. Backstage, she tells Brian that she just blanked on the lyrics.
We're again forced to endure the clip of Alexandra and Tenia holding hands while talking on their cell phones down in Miami. Will they both make it to the finals? And then we're forced to endure Alexandra's outfit and performance. She has taken a leopard-print tank top and ripped off the bottom half. Then she ripped that material into strips and tied them around her right arm. Then she took the remaining fabric and made a fingerless glove for her left hand. She cut slashes across the top part of the "shirt" and then wore a red jogging bra underneath to cover her boobies. She wears the obligatory low-rise jeans and sings "I Swear." She is still merely adequate. And though Alexandra is by no means fat, she's just a little too large for the exposed-torso look. She bulges out at the point where her jeans start. Oh, and she has little pearls glued all over her face.
We cut back into the hotel room, where Tenia and Alexandra discuss what sort of skankwear they're going to select for the evening. Tenia describes the really trashy outfit that she wants to wear, and Alexandra tells her that it sounds cute.
It's not. It's really, really not. Tenia is wearing a red, sequined bikini top and tight-fitting denim cut-offs. She dances around, probably getting friction burns on her gitchy-gitchy ya-ya. Somebody needs to tell these girls that skankpop is over. Haven't we moved on to waifish girls with untold emotional depths who can play the piano? She sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," and is just as adequate as Alexandra. Oh, also, if you're going to go with skankwear, you need to have a skanky body. Tenia is too thin and doesn't have big breasts, even though you can make out her nipples. You can also make out her rib cage.
up is Jim. Black and Decker joke that Jim isn't wearing "hoochie shorts," but finds another way to get the crowd's attention. Yeah, a hammy way. He pretends that he heard some noise, then asks the crowd if they heard it, too. Then he starts singing, "Listen, baaaby!" and breaks into the same song as Tenia. That was just ham and cheese.
We get another montage of folks all singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" with various levels of quality. Natalie is just way too loud. Another group of contestants sing "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," which is a rather unusual choice, and I'm surprised (and a little impressed) that some of these kids chose it. A girl identified as Ryan Starr is among the group. I understand that she actually went by the name Tiffany Montgomery in the premiere. She was one of the first contestants the judges liked. She's got a deeper, smokier voice now, and I think that unlike some of these other women (Alexandra and Tenia), she's got a handle on where pop is going. Like I'm such an expert.
We cut to Alexis, practicing "Genie In A Bottle" up in her room. What an incredibly tired choice. She sings well at the audition, but worries backstage that many of the other singers are much more talented than she is.
Finally, Justin (Eeeeeeeee!) and his charisma are let out to play. He's the last singer, because they know that nobody's going to be in shape to perform after he's done. He sings "Get Here." In the audience, the women are all shaking their heads in disbelief. Khaleef sits there with his mouth hanging open, rethinking everything he's been taught about who does the pounding. Justin's charisma sneaks up behind the judge's table, rubbing Simon's thigh and licking the back of Paula's neck. He ends his performance on an insane high note and holds it, causing the younger girls in the audience to spontaneously lose their virginity. He can find a woman's G-spot without even touching her. When Justin (Eeeeeeeee!) is finally done, all the girls go wild. Paula turns to Simon and tells him she has to go "compose herself." Simon teases, "Oh, Paula!" but he doesn't really mean it. Several girls run down to hug Justin (Eeeeeeeee!) and cop a feel. Backstage, Justin (Eeeeeeeee!) tells Black and Decker that he's going to keep working harder and getting better. He's working on transmitting his charisma through television signals, so that it can come fondle the viewers at home. Don't act like you don't want it.
The kids jam in the auditorium, while the judges go down to their "secure" meeting room with a "guard" so that their deliberations are private. Except for the cameramen in the room who record it for us to watch.
But first, commercials! When we return, we see that the judges' "secure deliberations room" is just one of the dressing rooms. Outside, Black and Decker scheme ways to eavesdrop on the discussion. I've had sinus infections that were funnier than these two.
Back in the deliberations room, Justin (Eeeeeeeee!) is given the stamp of approval, to the surprise of nobody. Kelli (X-Factor girl) is also unanimously chosen. Randy says she's one of his favorites.
Outside, Black and Decker try to bribe the "guard." Why don't these two just come by apartment and poke at me with sharp sticks? It's less painful.
The judges give Tamyra a big thumbs up for the final group. up is Kristin The Klumsy Kowgirl. Simon has utterly forgotten who she was, and the others have to explain to him that she's the one who fell down during the auditions. They helpfully show a clip of the fall. Hee. They all like her, but her performance today wasn't the best, so she goes in the "maybe" pile.
Back outside, Black and Decker are trying to climb a wall. The camera shot is below them as they face away from us, making the focal visual point of this scene the two men's asses. It doesn't make watching this crap any more pleasant. Ryan tries to do some sort of Spider-Man shtick. Okay, I'd do Ryan, but only once, and he wouldn't be allowed to talk to me, and he'd have to leave right afterwards, and I'd never tell anybody out of a sense of shame. He's like Ty from Trading Spaces. He's kind of cute, but every time he opens his mouth, he becomes less and less cute.
Back inside, the judges have decided on the top fifteen, and have collected them in one of the rooms to give them the good news. In addition to the others mentioned, R.J, and God help us all, Tenia, are among them. The judges arrive and the kids all cheer. They so already know that they've made it. How could they not know? Paula breaks the good news that they're in the final thirty and they all dance and bounce and shriek and hug.
The judges head back to figure out the other fifteen who will move on. Now they try to hide who they're talking about to increase the suspense for us. They say that some girl seemed a little awkward, but don't indicate who.
Outside, Black and Decker continue their unfunny shtick by trying to eavesdrop on the judges with product-placed [cola] cups. Ryan tries to listen through the door with a cup, while Brian tries to listen by pressing his cup against Ryan's other ear. All Brian hears is a tinny voice shouting, "Look at me! Look at me! Look! Look! Look at me! Me! Me! Look!" Just kidding. That would be far too clever for this show.
Back with judges, Randy and Paula say they want to put some guy through, but Simon says he thinks they're nuts.
The remaining thirty worry about their fates.
Black and Decker continue to…God, just shut up, both of you.
The judges eliminate somebody. Simon argues that some guy is a "waste of space." He says some other guy doesn't stand "a cat's in hell chance" of winning the competition. What exactly are a cat's chances in hell? Cats are pretty clever. They'd probably have a better chance than I would. Simon says one of the guys "looks like a corpse. And he is so corny!" At first I thought Simon meant Jim, because he looked slightly horrified at Jim's final performance, but I hadn't noticed that Mark is still in the running -- he's the Michael Jackson impersonator that Simon hates with a fiery passion.
Finally the judges finish the decision-making. The remaining thirty are separated into two groups of fifteen and sent into two separate rooms. Of course, this means that it's easy to tell who's getting eliminated, because they're put in the group with the girl who forgot all the words in the final audition. They can't possibly think she's going on, do they?
In a room that has Mark, Jim, A.J., Adriel, Kristin, and Alexandra (sigh), Mark worries about whether or not they'll be eliminated. The girl who forgot the lyrics isn't in there, so no. But nice try at tension.
Cut to the entrance to the bathroom, where allegedly the pressure has gotten to Alexis. She's not so scared that she actually goes into a stall or something for privacy. Instead, she crouches artfully and photogenically right in the doorway of the bathroom so that the camera can capture every ounce of angst. I'm a vulnerable waif! Don't you love me? Vote for me!
Back with the other group, they focus on Akeele, the girl who chuffed her final audition, which really sucked out all the tension for me. There was no way she was moving on.
The judges come down to the room with Bill and the people who are not Akeele, but they cut away to commercials to try to increase the tension for us. Whatever. When we return, Simon totally milks his evil powers. He says to them, "I'm so sorry…[lengthy pause]…to have kept you waiting this long." He hems and haws and talks about how they have to let people go and does the "I'm so sorry" shtick twice before finally telling these folks that they made the final thirty. So evil. So deliciously evil. Of course, these kids probably already knew if they had brains in their heads. Oh right, never mind. The kids cheer. Alexandra rushes up and practically mauls Paula. If nothing else, we can look forward to the possibility of her choking during her performance.
Randy's the one who has to break the bad news to the fifteen who get eliminated. Unlike Simon, he doesn't milk it and lets them all down rather quickly. Randy does tell them that they did great jobs, and all three judges agree that they should continue to try to pursue music careers. Simon immediately walks out, while Randy and Paula stay behind for a little bit to comfort the losers. Sad music plays as they all cry and hug. Aww, the cute boy I liked is sent home. I'll never learn his name, I guess.
week, the weekly performances begin. On Tuesday night, the first group of ten -- consisting of Chris (who?), Natalie (meh), Rodesia (umm), Brad (seriously, who?), Kelli (X!), Tamyra (zed!), Adriel (yum!), Ryan (Tiffany!), Jim (ham!), and Justinn (not Justin (Eeeeeeeee!)) -- perform. The following two weeks will feature two other groups of ten. Khaleef is among them. No, really. Viewers will vote by phone for the top three from each performance, and the winners will be announced on the Wednesday night show. The others are dropped from the competition. But the judges will still be around to influence who stays and who goes, just to make sure we don't do something foolish like choosing somebody else besides the ones that they've already decided should win. But it's important for us to feel as though we're making the decision.