By Shack
I want to start by observing that each time I've been called upon to recap something for TWoP for the past three months, nasty weather has descended upon my area right as the show aired. I watched an episode of Dawson's Creek in the midst of a tornado watch. Flash flood warnings scrolled across the screen during L.A. Law: The Movie. Right as the premiere of American Idol began, deafening thunderstorms blanketed the area, threatening us with power outages and -- even worse -- regular interruptions from meteorologists explaining the obvious, because otherwise we'd all go canoeing in the rain or something. Is God trying to tell me something? Am I too cynical? Am I not cynical enough? Is Rupert Murdoch God? Is Heaven full of police chases and topless women? Should I repent for my beliefs that FOX is run by homophobic, misogynistic, brain-dead mouth-breathers who wouldn't know "quality" if it were the stage name of the pole dancer whose thong down which they shove their ill-gotten gains in exchange for backroom blowjobs? Eh, bring on Hell, then.
And we're off! The premiere opens with our two hosts, Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest. I think Brian is intended to be the "funny" one -- I bet he changed his name to "Dunkleman" from something boring like "Smith," because it sounds funnier. He looks like the nebbish sidekick from any mediocre sitcom. Ryan is intended to be the "cute" one. His hair is moussed up into an insane, spiky 'do. Angel would look at it and say, "Dude, take it down a notch." I will be referring the two of them collectively as Black and Decker, because just like most reality show hosts, they're a couple of tools.
Black and Decker greet us from the stage of the Kodak Theater, where the Academy Awards take place. The auditorium is dark and empty, much like the futures of many of the people we'll be meeting this evening. They explain that on this stage in three months, "an as-yet-unknown talent will be launched into superstardom." I hope he or she springs for flight insurance, because the crash back to earth two or three months after that will probably sting. They explain that they don't know who this person is yet (duh) and that us lowly couch jockeys will get to decide who that is. We who have put people like Shakira, Creed, Jennifer Lopez, Limp Bizkit, and other morons up to the tops of the charts. I hate us.
The opening credits consist of a bizarre computer-generated montage of spinning cameras, guitars, spotlights, and jets, while a person made of liquid metal transforms back and forth between male and female, as bland techno-dance music plays. It's kind of like those animated self-advertisements that theater chains play before the feature.
The opening credits consist of a bizarre computer-generated montage of spinning cameras, guitars, spotlights, and jets, while a person made of liquid metal transforms back and forth between male and female, as bland techno-dance music plays. It's kind of like those animated self-advertisements that theater chains play before the feature.
Black and Decker return, this time in the scrubland in front of the Hollywood sign. I don't care how big an icon it is; I think the Hollywood sign is one of our nation's ugliest landmarks. Black and Decker essentially repeat everything they said to us just before the credits. They explain the show's origin in England as we see clips of its winner, Will Young, and tell us all how he became a huge hit and made tons of money, as did some of the other competitors. They hope that the American winner will be similarly successful. They probably also hope that the winner doesn't subsequently come out of the closet like Will did, but nobody says that out loud. Here in the states, more than ten thousand hopefuls congregated in seven cities for auditions. Some were good. (Example shown: a pretty blonde woman singing "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. Maybe I should have put quote marks around "good.") But most were bad. (Example shown: a punkish guy shouting "I'll Be There" in a tone of voice that suggests that the lyrics go, "I'll be there/to kick you in the kidneys while you're down.")
This serves as a segue to introduce us to the three judges for this competition. A cameraman first-persons us into the audition room, where the judges sit behind their little table with the beige skirting and American Idol logo. For some reason, somebody has spelled out "I MAIM" on the floor with two-foot-tall letters at the back corner of the performing area. Then I realize that we're seeing it from behind, and it actually spells out "MIAMI" when seen from the judges' perspectives. Still, it's an amusing warning for contestants as they arrive. The upbeat techno music in the background stops suddenly, replaced by bad sound effects of icy winds blowing across the tundra. We slowly pan across the judges, who have been ordered to look as serious and unfriendly as possible. They are Randy "Not That Randy Jackson" Jackson, Paula "Yes, That Paula Abdul" Abdul, and Simon "Don't Even Think About Giving Me Some Dumb Nickname, You Little Ponce" Cowell. The effect is as cheesy as it sounds. The commercials speak for themselves, guys. Leave the "cold" sound effects for Bachelorettes in Alaska.
In some brief one-on-one interviews, the judges tell us what they're looking for in the hunt for the pop "superstar." Randy (a Grammy-winning record producer) says he's looking for somebody with a unique style and sound and a "phenomenal talent." Well, that clears things up. Paula is introduced as a "singer, songwriter, dancer, choreographer, and pop diva legend" as they show a clip of "Cold-Hearted Snake" where she dances around and steps on some guy's ass. Is "legend" code for "punch line"? Paula says, "My perspective would be absolutely different from the other two judges, because I'm an artist." They cut away before she can ask the cameraman why he's laughing. We cut to "acid-tongued" Simon, driving through Los Angeles in his fancy red convertible. He explains for us yet again how the finalists in England became huge successes. We see more clips from the overseas love-fest. The contestants appear on the covers of a number of tabloids. Anybody want to guess how many of those tabloids are also owned by Rupert Murdoch? Simon thinks the stakes could be just as high here. Well, the ratings for the premiere gave FOX the key young demographic and it did very, very well, but it certainly hasn't become a phenomenon as yet. Simon goes on to explain that he's probably going to shock people by being brutally honest with the contestants about their talents. Especially when they don't have any. He explains that the audition process is really vicious (we see clips of various rejectees crying), and warns us that this will be "the audition from hell."
Black and Decker return to explain to us for the millionth time that we're all going to get to vote for the winner by phone. They explain that the judges will narrow the field down to thirty finalists and, over the few months, they'll perform live and you all vote on whom you'd most like to sleep with. Or whom you think has the most talent. It's pop music -- is there a difference?
Finally, they've explained everything enough times to get us to the actual auditions. First up: Los Angeles. We zoom down the lines of people waiting. There's Macy Gray. She's so stoned that she's forgotten that she's already made it big.
Giving us what will be a very memorable launch of audition segments is Stefanie Sugarman from Alta Loma. Stefanie is wearing the requisite chest-enhancing, bellybutton revealing, skimpy shirt and low-rise jeans. She dances around wildly like the lost Solid Gold dancer, flings her hair around with energetic abandon, and voice-overs that her only fear is coming up with an excuse as to why she's not at work. She dances around and gets way too far up into the camera lens to mug for us. She's crazy-scary.
But before her audition is Steven Ware, who tells us he has a "deep appreciation of music" and thinks that the world wants to hear his music. He trudges up to the mark in the audition room and proceeds to butcher "My Girl." The captioning helpfully describes him as "off-key" for any deaf viewers. We'll find out later that there are at least two, not counting anybody who went deaf as a result of listening to this show. Simon covers his face with his hand. Steven gestures with his hand while singing as if he's Bette Davis clutching a cigarette holder. His voice breaks when he gets to the chorus. I half-expect the sound of his voice to set off the sprinklers. Simon finally begs him to stop and tells him that he's "seriously terrible." Amazingly, Steven tries to start singing again, somehow managing to both screech and mutter "my girrrrl" at the same time. Randy stops Steven again and suggests that perhaps he is tone-deaf. Steven says he could sing them one of his original songs, but they're not having it. Steven's done.
We get a montage of other awful singers, including one who looks like Carmen from Popular. The performer we get to watch is Tiffany Montgomery, who managed to make it to the auditions even though a pack of wild dogs savagely ripped open her shirt, leaving her torso completely exposed. She's such a trouper. And she's very pretty without being a cookie-cutter beauty. She sings "Lean On Me" fairly well. Just outside the audition room, Black and Decker sneak peeks at her performance. They want them some Tiffany. The judges like her, but tell her she seemed too nervous and has to work on that. They invite her back to Hollywood for the round. Outside the room, Black and Decker skeeve up to her and ask her how it went. She was afraid they were going to "eat her alive." Obviously she's still traumatized by the wild dog attack. I can't believe nobody offered her a new shirt. Some people have no manners.
is Alexis Lopez, seventeen, blandly attractive. She serviceably sings "I Will Survive." She's unremarkable in every way, but it's enough to get an invite to Hollywood. After her is Cassandra Marine, who really shouldn't be singing "Lady Marmalade" with a voice as thin as hers. The judges hate her. Randy recommends that she take a lot of voice lessons if she wants to succeed as a singer. Simon interrupts Randy to disagree and say that you have to have some sort of "talent" in order to improve, and he doesn't think Cassandra has that "talent." I think by "talent," Simon means "anorexia." Cassandra obviously belongs to the same gym I do, the one with all those NOT!ilus-brand exercise machines. She starts to cry when Simon tells her that she just doesn't have enough talent to become a singer, but she's polite and thanks them for listening to her. Paula's obviously pissed at Simon, but doesn't say anything yet. Outside the room, Cassandra gets a comforting hug from somebody (possibly one of the hosts) and insists that she's not going to give up.
up is Mary Iocanelli. She's blonde, wearing a belly-baring black top and a purple miniskirt. I think she's made entirely out of plastic. She looks like a gangster's trophy mistress. She sings "Unchained Melody" as if she were pretending to have an orgasm. Randy cuts her down, telling her she couldn't stick to the melody. Mary does the neck waggle of attitude and says, "Listen sweetheart [disdainful giggle], I don't really care about your opinion. I really could care less, 'cause I'm twenty-two years old, and I'm beautiful, and I can sing, so I really don't care what you think. And I'm gonna be a star, and you have my number, and if you change your mind, give me a call. Ciao!" The judges laugh at her. She stomps off to the set of the Jerry Springer Show to give the same speech, except replacing "sing" with "prostitute myself."
And now we have Tah-mee-ka Bush. Her name is actually spelled "Tamika," but for all of our safety, I'll spell it phonetically here. Tah-mee-ka sounds like she's singing into a fan. You know how it makes your voice vibrate? Like that. Tah-mee-ka has a pair of glasses on her face, and another set on top of her head. After she's done butchering "The Greatest Love Of All," Randy politely tells her that he doesn't think that she's intended to be a solo singer. Tah-mee-ka immediately gets all "oh no, you di'int!" with him, spitting, "I'm quite sure that I sing better than you do, and for you to tell me I need lessons?" I'm sure Randy's used to this behavior, having worked with Whitney and Mariah, so he doesn't threaten to beat her to death with one of his Grammys. Tah-mee-ka continues to rant -- "You're not standing here being judged by people about how you sing. Are you?" -- and eventually reaches the point where she escapes from the world of logic entirely and builds herself a little fortress on Planet Denial. ["Okay, seriously? Who goes into 'the audition environment' (tm Wet Hot American Summer), throws around as much attitude as these people, and expects it to, like, succeed in some way? I mean, hello -- it's a job interview. If you told the manager of Starbucks you thought she was full of shit for not hiring you, do you think she'd change her mind because you 'had moxie'? Gah." -- Sars] Simon tries to calm her down by repeating her name over and over, but he mispronounces it as Tam-ih-ka, causing her to rant on some more about how her name is properly pronounced. Black and Decker eavesdrop on the yelling from just outside the room. Simon finally gets her to shut up long enough to suggest that she go to "an audition where they lie to her." A statement like that has absolutely no chance of breaching Tah-mee-ka's Force Field Of Attitude. She doesn't get it. Randy explains that they're telling her the truth, but she doesn't want to hear it. Tah-mee-ka puts up The Shield Of Whatever and stomps out, spitting that the judges have "major issues."
Out in the hall, Tah-mee-ka continues to rant for the cameras. Ironically, she can't remember Simon's name, calling him "the British one" and saying he's an ass. She says, "He can kiss my natural-born black ass for all I care." Natural-born? I guess that you can get attitude from Tah-mee-ka not only for mispronouncing her name or suggesting she can't sing, but also by accusing her of being a test-tube baby. We cut to Black and Decker back by the Hollywood sign, feigning shock about what Tah-mee-ka said, and treating us to some unfunny shtick about the pronunciation of her name. They promise more Tah-mee-ka rants after the commercial break.
Commercials. This show, by the way, is sponsored by a major soft drink that arranged for product placements all over the place. Since they haven't paid me anything, I'm not going to mention them. Neener neener neener!
When we return, Black and Decker explain that thirty-one people were selected to return from the round. They cut back to Tah-mee-ka so we can see the rest of her rant. She calls Randy a "big fat motherfucker" (the profanity bleeped out, of course) and says neither he nor Simon know anything about music. And she concludes that Paula is just jealous. Then she stomps off to the set of The Jerry Springer show to give essentially the same speech.
Off we go to Seattle. The hosts mock Seattle for being full of weirdos, as a montage shows us contestants with body piercings and strange hair. Yeah, what does Seattle know about good music? It's not like any idols have come out of there or anything. After a clip of some guy monotoning "Crazy" to the horrified judges, we're introduced to Tara McCormick, who is one of those people who believes that God gave her this wonderful voice to go inspire people. I wonder how God feels about her low-slung jeans and exposed stomach? She sings "Unchained Melody," and she's really, really loud. Her overprojection causes her go off-key repeatedly. She's not mind-bendingly awful, if she'd just tone it down a notch, but the judges reject her. Out in the hall, she cries to the camera and says that she didn't sing as well as she usually does.
is Karma Johnson, a nice-looking woman who is dressed like a secretary. She sings "Wind Beneath My Wings" and does a great job. The problem is that Simon thinks she's too fat, but he doesn't want to say that. He blathers on about people expecting a certain "image" of a pop idol, and Karma doesn't fit it. In other words, don't hate the playa, hate the game. Karma's not that fat, really, but she is dressed rather frumpishly. I think all she needs is a makeover. And they wouldn't even need to touch her hair or anything, just her wardrobe. Paula suggests that Karma work on her "overall look and style," which I think is her way of saying, "You're not fat, but you dress fat." Randy disagrees with both of them, because he's fat, but no hypocrite, and says that stars come in many shapes and sizes, and the key is to find what makes said person a "star." In Karma's case, he says her voice gives her star potential. Randy invites her to Hollywood, and the others agree. Then the three of them applaud her. Out in the hall, Karma admits that she's no Ally McBeal, but says they shouldn't be judging the contestants by how big their breasts are or how tight their jeans are. Welcome to pop, Karma.
is some boy with the unlikely name of Levi Blue. He reminds me of Pablo from American High. He's creepy and skeevy and writhes around singing, "I want to be, what you want to see. I want to do, what you tell me to." Ew. The auditions for the Chippendales are thattaway, but you'll be wanting to stop by a gym for a few months first. Paula laughs at him. I want to hide behind the curtains until he goes away. He represents about a dozen bad blind dates. After he's done, he tells them that he "just wants to be somebody's product" and that he wants these guys to "recreate" him. Simon snarks that he's got a pen, not a magic wand.
This is followed by a montage of people forgetting the words to their audition songs. Not particularly interesting or surprising or funny. Moving on.
we meet A.J. Gil, who looks kind of like Savion Glover, except Latino and with short, spiky hair. Yeah, that doesn't sound much like Savion at all, but it's all in the face. He says he wants to be an American Idol so he can help out his mom with the finances. Aww. His audition song is "The Star-Spangled Banner." Mom and the national anthem? I think they have to accept him. He does a good job with that pivotal "freeeeeeee!" and gets applause from the judges. He's invited to Hollywood. He cries and gets all emotional with Black and Decker out in the hallway. He gets a hug from Ryan. Ryan's very huggy.
is Trinity Manning, who raided Tara's closet for the frilly, giant-sleeved, hot-pink blouse she's wearing. Trinity is holding something in her hand, and obviously a production assistant slipped a note to Simon to ask her about it. She explains that it's a photo of her dead dad. She carries around the picture of him as inspiration. She sings "For All We Know" by The Carpenters. She sounds lovely, and they invite her to Hollywood. Paula tells her that she needs to "work on her confidence." That's pretty much the only type of advice Paula ever gives to the singers. You can come up with your own reasons why. Trinity tells Black and Decker down in the hallway how glad she is to have made it this far. In the end, they picked a mere ten contestants in Seattle to move on to the round. I imagine folks in Seattle's music scene are thrilled that there are such slim pickings in the pop category there.
Commercials. I give John Doe four episodes before it gets cancelled. We return to see a rather pudgy, middle-aged man auditioning with "Stormy Weather." Wait, not quite. It's the meteorologist intrusion I was worried about. The local FOX weatherman spends the ten minutes explaining to me in great detail how there's a storm front heading in my direction. For some reason, he thinks we all need to know the cloud density and exactly where the lightning bolts have hit in order for us to figure out that we should not be outside. So in an unusual twist, we're going to have a partial guest recap within a recap. Miss Alli, the lovely and talented recapper of The Amazing Race, taped the episode and was happy to provide a recap of the parts that I missed.
up, Jacquette. Big girl, big voice. When she's done, Simon asks her if, when she got set to audition, she expected to get through today. After having seen Simon dress down a girl not as big as this girl, I fear for what is coming. Jacquette pauses for a minute, wondering whether to lie. "I don't want to say no, but no, I didn't," she says. "Why not?" Simon asks her. "'Cause, you know, I'm a big girl, but it's okay," she says. Aww. Simon repeats that she didn't think she'd get through, and she says, "But I came anyway." Simon breaks the news that he's been screwing with her head (a lot like Richard Dawson used to do in the Super-Bonus round of Match Game, when he always tried to make people think they hadn't matched him, when really they had). She's going to Hollywood. AWWWW! She gets her "Woo!" on, and then runs outside to hug Black and Decker. She is shocked. Inside, Randy comments, "Now that girl can sing."
up, Jennifer. A bottle blonde in an ill-fitting sparkly top, she, like half the other girls auditioning, has come to inflict "Genie In A Bottle" upon the judges. She is horrible. She has one of those screamy Attack Of The Undead Un-Classically Trained Soprano voices, all vibration and no fucking TUNE. Where's a gong when you really need one? "That was extraordinary," Simon tells her, and she, unlike the rest of America, does not know where he's going with this, so she grins and thanks him. "Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad," he continues. She is genuinely shocked. Haven't any of these people ever sung for their friends before? Don't they HAVE any friends? Jesus.
And we're back to me. And by me, I mean Shack, not Miss Alli suddenly bringing the recap back to a discussion about herself. Thanks, Miss Alli! You definitely have no problems with either tone or confidence. I'll see if I can't find ways to trick you into doing other parts of my recaps in the future.
Anyway, we're introduced to Jim, a pretty boy with spiky blond hair and glasses. Jim explains to the judges that his parents are both deaf. He describes the tragedy that his parents will never be able to hear him sing, but they come to all his shows and support him regardless, because they're just good parents that way. He sings "When I Fall In Love," and signs along with his own singing. For some reason, I find that a little cringe-inducing and deliberately manipulative. He sings well, but he doesn't have the best flow. He's the opposite of the other "good" singers -- they all throw in a bunch of trills and warble and run things together all over the place to disguise the fact that they probably can't hold a steady note for more than a couple of seconds. Jim can hold a note well, but there are breaks in the flow from line to line. They invite him to Hollywood. He runs out into the hallway and practically leaps into Ryan's arms. Somebody's getting lucky tonight!
is Alexander Torres, who sings "Three Times A Lady" directly to Paula Abdul. He's invited to Hollywood.
And now, the drama. Mark Scott, an incredibly white boy with goofy, spiky bedhead, explains that it's "selfish" of him to not pursue opportunities to "share what's in [him] with everybody else." Anybody who thinks that performing pop music for other people is like some form of noble charity is placed permanently on my list of tools. And apparently what's "in" Mark is Michael Jackson. Ew. I'm so sorry. That was uncalled for. What I mean is that Mark is a Michael Jackson impersonator. We see him dance in his audition. Paula just adores him, of course. Simon disagrees and tries to interrupt, causing a little argument between the judges. Black and Decker "eavesdrop" on the argument out in the hall. I think they taped these two hours later and just edited it in. Paula tells Mark that he should come back and "just be [himself]." Randy also thought Mark was fantastic. We didn't get to hear any of Mark's singing, so we can't even judge his vocal qualities for ourselves. Simon didn't like Mark at all. He thinks it's a waste of time to humor a Michael Jackson impersonator. Randy and Paula overrule Simon, however, and invite Mark to Hollywood. Paula tells him to bring his own style time. Mark runs out into the hallway and starts dry-humping two women. They all shriek like Mark won the lottery.
Back in the audition room, Paula tells Simon that he was incredibly rude to the contestants and asks if he couldn't at least give them a little credit. Simon unapologetically responds, "I couldn't." That little scene closes out our trip to Chicago, where twenty-three people were selected to move on to the round.
When we return to commercials, it's off to New York. The editors take their cues from The Real World and show us as many New York landmarks as they can before the required shot of all the folks waiting to audition. Black and Decker babble about the number of people in New York and nobody cares. Incidentally, since fashion comes up so often, these two full-grown men are usually dressed like twelve-year-old boys. They pester some old man on the street to ask him if he "has what it takes." Probably afraid that he's going to be kidnapped and whisked off to do terrible stunts on Fear Factor, the man insists that he doesn't. Couldn't you be showing us people sucking instead of this crap? I mean, people besides the two of you.
Here we go. Bring on the sucking. Hello there, Derek Stillings. Derek is the skinniest, whitest boy on earth. He's wearing a powder-blue visor on his head, backwards, a sleeveless shirt that shows off the fact that he somehow manages to survive without a single fat or muscle cell in his entire body, and blue track pants. As raptorgirl observed on the boards, he's like a Mike Boogie (from Big Brother) prequel. He's Boogie: Episode One. He's Anakin Boogie, rocketing headlong into his destiny of white hip-hop tooldom. Derek tells the judges that he believes that he's the best performer in America. His voice sounds kind of like Adam Sandler's, so I think we all know that this isn't going to go anywhere positive. I think the judges already know that this is going to be awful, because Paula doesn't even ask him what he's singing; she just tells him to start whenever he likes. He starts "singing" in this really bad monotone and flailing around like a scarecrow in a tornado. The judges start to giggle. Eventually, Paula has to turn her head away and pretend to have a coughing fit to hide her laughter. I don't even have a clue what song it is, if any. Something about making some girl wear his diamond ring or whatever. Simon asks Anakin if he really thinks he's the best singer in America. Anakin nods. Simon spits out the immortal line, "I can honestly say, you are the worst singer in America." Anakin admits that it's his first audition. Simon tells him it should be his last. Out in the hall, Anakin wonders if he just had cold feet, and seems rather surprised that they'd tell him that he sucked. And thus begins a hatred of pop music that will eventually lead him to the dark side.
The suckfest continues in the form of Rose Thoma, in her shiny silver shirt. She sings "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys and manages to never once hit a right note, not even by accident. The judges finally convince her to stop. Randy says simply, "Oh, wow." Simon asks Rose how she thought her performance was. Rose thinks it was great. Really, who are these people? Are they ringers sent in by the show to increase the snark value? Are they interns from morning radio shows forced to participate as a stunt? Performance artists making some statement about the soullessness of corporate music? People on unemployment trying to meet the job-hunting requirements in order to keep getting checks? There must be some logical explanation. Simon tells Rose that her performance was horrendous. Rose puts on her whatever face and tells him that that's just his opinion: "I know I've made crowds go wild for my performances." Sometimes, the poll questions write themselves. Randy points out that she never hit a single right note. Rose shoots back that she wasn't trying to hit the right notes. Oh, she's like the musical equivalent of people who think that proper spelling and punctuation restricts their creative flow or something. Simon says that it amazes him that it's always the people who have the least amount of talent who have the biggest attitude. I imagine there's a correlation there. Accepting criticism is the first step to improvement, so if you think you're above it, you're never going to improve. Rose is not invited to return.
Black and Decker set Rose down for a chat out in the hall, no doubt developing their own theories as to why she makes crowds go wild. Rose gives some Tah-mee-ka-like spiel about how they all think they can judge her. Ryan quietly points out that they are the judges, but Rose just steams on through about the judges having big heads or whatever. She's as clueless as Inspector Gadget.
is Amanda, who sucks just as hard and has really, really bad make-up. But she's polite about it and is sent on her way.
And then there's Zorro. Elias Guajardo comes in, dressed up like Zorro. No, really. He starts singing "Oops, I Did It Again" and stripping. No, really. When he peels off his black overcoat, we see that he's wearing a t-shirt festooned with images of Simon Cowell on the front with iron-on words that read "AMERICA WILL LOVE SIMON." Simon busts up laughing. Some people on the boards have compared him to Mango from Saturday Night Live, but he reminds me more of one of the DiMarcos brothers, played by Chris Kattan and Chris Parnell. And wasn't their very first skit with Britney? He turns around so we can see that he's also pasted pictures of Paula Abdul on his back. His singing is -- oh, does it even matter? The judges laugh and think he's fabulous and charming. They invite him to Hollywood. He hams it up in the hallway with Black and Decker and pretends to faint in Ryan's arms. Ryan actually picks Elias up in his arms and starts carrying him around. Looks like Ryan is getting lucky yet again.
is Kelli Glover, who sings "I Will Always Love You" without cracking and has the appropriately exposed bellybutton, so she's waved on to Los Angeles. Paula warns Kelli that when she goes for the big notes, her tone goes nasal. I'm sure Paula hears that one a lot. Simon tells Kelli that she's exactly what they're looking for. Simon brings up the "X Factor," and says that Kelli has a "capital X." Oh, why doesn't he just say, "Girls will want to be you, straight boys will want to have sex with you, gay boys will want to go shopping with you, and really gay boys will want to impersonate you"? That's what he means. She runs out in the hall and dances ecstatically with her stage mom.
is Justin Guarini, who will henceforth be known as Justin (Eeeeeeeeeee!) because of the way his performances seem to moisten the loins of the female contestants, Paula Abdul, and most of the posters. Justin (Eeeeeeeeeee!) has a floppy mane of tight curls, soulful eyes that can fuck you with a mere glance, and a pretty, androgynous singing voice. As he sings, he eye-fucks Paula, who probably never got it so good from Emilio. He eye-fucks the camera. He eye-fucks the wall. His charisma is like a separate entity that wanders around the room, nibbling on everybody's earlobes and sticking a hand down their pants while he sings. His voice isn't really all that much better than the other good candidates we've seen. He does the trills and warbles all over the place, throwing the song at the entire Circle Of Fifths to see what sticks. What is it with kids today and their inability to hold a steady note? Simon grudgingly admits that they're seeing better talent here than he saw in England. They love Justin (Eeeeeeeeeee!) and invite him to Hollywood. After Justin (Eeeeeeeeeee!) and his charisma leave, the three judges rush to light up smokes.
In the end, the judges invited twenty-five contestants from New York to Hollywood. Out with the losers, Elias stands on a table with a megaphone, encouraging the non-chosen to keep be positive and happy. They all pretend to laugh and be happy while thinking, "This loony flamer got picked and I didn't?"
Outside, Anakin Boogie samples some more of his mad vocal skillz for Black and Decker and some strangers. Some guy tells Anakin that the judges were right about him. Rose sings and gestures out on the sidewalk while waiting for her pimp to come pick her up.
Commercials. We return to Atlanta, home of the '96 Olympics, the Braves, and an international soft drink company who still hasn't sent any money my way and so isn't getting a mention.
After the obligatory shot of the audition line, we meet Jamar Simmons. He sings for like three seconds, but the judges love him and send him off to Hollywood. He rushes out in the hall to hug his shrieking mother.
is R.J. Helton, who looks almost exactly like Wilson Cruz. He has shapely, tweezed eyebrows, which kind of make him look like a drag queen out of costume. He sings that disco hit, "Never Could Say Goodbye," and the judges love him and invite him to Hollywood. He also rushes out to hug his mom.
is John Manly, who is kind of a jock and really needs a country-western version of this show to find his niche, I think. He sings some song I've never heard of. Paula tells him he has a nice voice, and diplomatically observes that he has a "different quality" from the other candidates. In other words, his destiny's in Nashville, not Hollywood. Nevertheless, they invite him to the stage. Out in the Hallway, Black and Decker use a cell phone to connect John with his mom to give her the good news. Except that she gets disconnected, leaving John to inquire plaintively into the phone, "Mom? Mom? Mommy?" I hope that phone wasn't product-placed.
In the audition room, Claire Bradley is violating the rules of TMI as she tells the judges how nervous she is and how many times she went to the bathroom today. Yikes. Back out in the hallway, some woman offers to pretend to be John's mom. I think she just wants to cop a feel. It works. John pretends that she's his mom and rushes over and hugs her.
is Chris Dos Santos, another creepy, skinny boy. This one looks like Spock as a teenager. That is possibly the worst hair I've seen on a guy under the age of thirty. His singing is awful. Paula suggests lots of singing lessons, but Simon says that not even a hundred thousand singing lessons would help Spocklet sing. Paula disagrees, and gives one of those speeches about being whatever you want to be if you try hard enough. Simon doesn't agree and tells Paula that she's patronizing the bad candidates by encouraging them to pursue a career they'll probably never achieve.
Deanna Emerson is . She is probably doing this because all of her friends told her that she wouldn't dare. She's a large, jovial woman who sings "Lean On Me" with cheesy, literal choreography (pointing to her watch when she sings "it won't be long") while bouncing up and down. I fear that she's going to knock somebody down with her boobies. Paula compliments her "choreography," but -- no.
is a gaggle of beauty queens, the South's largest export, besides discontent and unmentionable cola soft drinks. Black and Decker smarm at Karen Long, a former Miss West Virginia, while Melanie Sanders, a Miss Mississippi (say that three times fast) runner-up, wows the judges with her rendition of "I Will Always Luh-hoooove Youuuuuu!" She's invited to Hollywood.
is former Miss Atlanta, Tamyra Gray, with her gigantic beauty pageant smile and infectious energy. She sings Mariah Carey's "Vision Of Love" and pretty much knocks it out of the park. That's actually the only Mariah Carey song that I can stand. The judges love her. Simon suggests that Tamyra may start the "Zed Factor" because she "goes beyond X." Well, yes, but "Zed" doesn't rhyme with "sex."
Out in the hallway, Ryan goes over to smarm at Karen's stage parents. He asks them how they feel about Karen dating "a guy on television." Stage Mom asks, "Can you further her career?" I think we're supposed to think that she's kidding, but I don't think she is. And anyway, the answer is no.
It's Karen's turn to audition. She comes in and tells Paula that she's "shocked" that Paula's there. Me too, but for a completely different reason. She sings "Baby Love," but her voice is thin and she has no range. When the judges tell her that her voice is awful, she admits that she just started singing "last Monday." Why is she even there? How much do you want to bet that her mom dragged her out to this, thinking that it would further Karen's career just to be on national television, regardless of whether or not she got picked? Karen heads out for a consoling hug from her mom, who will wait until they're in the car before telling her everything that she did wrong. Black and Decker explain that they've already passed their goal of one hundred finalists, and there are still two cities left.
Commercials. Béýóncé Knówlés pops up in a Lóréál commercial to show us all what minute fourteen looks like. Suddenly a tornado-warning siren goes off. No, wait, that's me, clutching the sides of my head and howling at the preview commercial for Fastlane, coming to FOX fall. They killed off Undeclared for this crap? For the love of God, Sars, please don't make me recap that. ["Oh, I think you've suffered enough." -- Sars]
Now we're off to Dallas, where we're introduced to Kristin Holt, a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. She's also competing in the Miss Texas pageant in July. She's just so quintessentially Texan. She performs "Fallin'," and unlike Rose, she does hit the right notes. They love her singing. Simon observes that she's supposed to be joining the Miss Texas pageant on the same day that she's supposed to be going to Hollywood for the round. He asks her which is more important. Kristin's no idiot and says the American Idol contest is more important -- there's a beauty pageant going on somewhere in Texas nearly every day, so no big deal. They tell her she's coming to Hollywood. Kristin shrieks in ecstasy and runs up to the table to thank the judges. But then she slips when she gets up there and executes a delicious Chandler-esque backwards fall and slides partially under the table in front of Paula. Hysterical. Really, a stunt coordinator couldn't have arranged a fall that entertaining. Yeah, maybe avoiding the beauty pageants for a little bit is a good choice. Randy comes around the table to help Kristin to her feet as she giggles in embarrassment.
Kristin's interpretative dance to "Fallin'" serves as a segue to other entertainingly bad moments. A creepy old guy does the robot while chewing gum. Some boy sings with a voice like one of the Chipmunks. In the funniest moment in the entire show, a boy with a glazed, stoned expression sings, "Sigh-yuh-lent night. I said, ah-sigh-yuh-lent night." It's just too much.
Oh, but then we get to Julie Kevelighan, or as I referred to her in the recaplet, "Mrs. Culp." She sings "Lady Marmalade," carefully overenunciating every nonsensical syllable in an earsplitting soprano. She's also wearing a bad floral-print blouse and has her hair pulled back in a loose bun, making her look even more like a middle-school music teacher. All she needs is Will Ferrell playing a Casio to her for the parody to be complete. After she shrieks out the final verse, the judges are speechless for a full five seconds. Just total dead air. They're trying to decide whether this woman is for real. Eventually Paula asks Randy for his comments. Randy just doesn't know what to say. Paula moves on to Simon. Simon asks Julie if she's taking singing lessons. She says she's had a few. Simon asks her who her teacher is. Some lady in Montana. He asks Julie if she has a lawyer. Julie says no. Simon says, "Well, get a lawyer and sue her." Julie looks confused.
is Luis Marquez. His voice isn't awful, but he can't hold a note steady to save his life. Randy points out that Luis looks familiar. That's because Luis already auditioned once in Los Angeles. And then he auditioned again in Seattle. So we've got another stalker. I'm surprised Stefanie didn't think of that. Randy asks Luis what they said to him at his auditions. He says that they told him he was boring. Simon tells him he's still boring. Luis shoots back, "Boring? You know what I think is boring? Wearing all black is boring." Simon, of course, is wearing all black. Luis is destined to be neither a pop idol nor a fashion idol. He's rejected yet again, but Randy and Paula do give Luis props for his snap on Simon.
We get more clips of bad performers. Some boy performs "American Pie" like it's slam night at the coffee house. A guy who sounds just like DMX performs bad rap, just like DMX.
And then Adriel Herrera auditions. He's a pretty, pretty boy with goofy, floppy hair-wings. I'm predicting right now that a boy is going to win this, even if the girls are better singers. I think the demographic for this show is going to vote with their hormones. We'll just have to see. Anyway, Adriel flirts with Paula before breaking into Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." God, that's such an overwrought song. And is "I'll be love suicide" supposed to sound romantic? Because it creeps me out. Adriel's voice is great, though, and the judges love him. Simon puts him on the spot by asking him to choose between a trip to Hollywood for the stage or a date with Paula. Adriel handles it perfectly though, self-deprecatingly saying he'd "have a better shot" with Hollywood. He moves on to the stage, along with nine other folks from Dallas.
Outside, Black and Decker do this unfunny thing where Ryan keeps interrupting Brian when he's trying to say something, so Brian hops into a nearby limo, riding off and leaving Ryan to chase after them. Shut up, the both of you.
This just in: cigarettes have bad things in them. I had no idea.
Off to Miami for the last group of auditions. Christina Christian decides to suck up to Simon by singing "Isn't She Lovely?" to him, but changing the lyrics to "Isn't He Lovely?" I don't think the gender change was necessary. Randy teases him throughout Christina's performance, saying "No" whenever Christian asks the titular question. Christina is reading the lyrics to the song off a card, by the way. How hard is it to remember one song for one audition when you've had plenty of advance time to prepare? Simon jokes that she's the best audition he's heard. Paula jokes that she can't believe she sang that song about Simon, except she's not really joking. They love Christina's voice and invite her to Hollywood.
As the judges continue to chuckle over Christina's performance, a tall, blonde woman comes in, booming, "Simon! It's so good to see you!" For a moment I thought that Stefanie had finally tracked them down, but no, this isn't her. Okay, I admit that I didn't realize that this person was a drag queen the first time around. I mean, normally the hair and the make-up and the voice and the name and the attitude would make it obvious, but really, look back at the hair and the make-up and the voices and the names and the attitudes of the actual women they've shown so far. Can you blame me? Randy asks her if she knows Simon, and she vamps that Simon is "an animal." She introduces herself as "Amnesia Sparkles" and snaps, "Don't you forget it." She's wearing a little tube top with an American flag across it and a denim miniskirt. She's still dressed better than most of the female contestants. She sings "Maybe This Time," and dedicates it to Simon. Simon covers his face with his hands in embarrassment (who knew he was capable of that emotion?) as Amnesia vamps around. Her voice isn't that bad. She manages a better feminine tone than most drag queens. After she sings, they all joke about how they can't possibly forget Amnesia. Amnesia even manages to convince Simon to allow her to kiss him on the cheek. But no more. He's saving himself for Justin's charisma. Amnesia's not invited to Hollywood, because Rupert Murdoch would totally shit a brick.
Then we're introduced to "best friends" Alexandra Bachelier and Tenia Taylor. There's no mention of the fact that these two became best friends from having the shared experience of getting rejected from Popstars, because that show aired on a rival megalithic media empire. Tenia's shirt has been cut open in several places with scissors to add a stylish twist to the torso-baring. Alexandra's outfit is made from a sheer white fabric that is vaguely see-through. If somebody poured water on her, you'd be able to see all of God's blessings.
We also meet Anjela Kyuregyan and her mother, who have been traveling across the country to catch the auditions. They just missed the auditions in Los Angeles and Dallas, but finally made it out to Miami. Anjela also looks like a drag queen, but she's not. See how confusing it gets? When Anjela gets before the judges, she decides to improvise, telling them, "I'm just going to sing what God puts in my mouth." God decides that if Anjela's not going to put forth an effort at choosing and rehearsing a decent song, then neither will He. She shrieks, much like the Mrs. Culp, "This morning I woke up. And I was scared. It shaaaaaaaaaaaall be opeeeeeeeeeeeen for me." She's awful, and the judges reject her. She goes out back to her mom, who tells her that the audition is a "learning experience" and that they won't give up. Unfortunately, Simon's not out there to beg her to go ahead and give up.
Alexandra and Tenia hold hands as they both talk on cell phones. Is there a female equivalent to calling a guy a "tool"? If so, these two are it. Alexandra auditions first, singing that god-awful "Genie In A Bottle" song. Really, Christina's over now, isn't she? No more hits for her? Alexandra's voice is mediocre, and she sings directly into the camera instead of to the judges and does the annoying genie dance. But she's good enough to go to Hollywood.
Tenia auditions , wearing purple glitter eye-shadow. She should be disqualified, just for that. She sings "Rainy Days And Mondays," and has a pleasant, if unremarkable, voice. Randy and Simon are both on the fence about her. They think she's good, but aren't sure if she's American Idol good. But she's showing us her torso and everything! Rather than taking responsibility or promising to do better or anything like that, Tenia blames it on sleeping "under the air conditioner," whatever the hell that means. This triggers a montage of excuses from various crappy contestants -- one girl claims she just got out of the hospital from having mono, sun poisoning, strep throat, and an ear infection. So she went scuba diving, made out with her sick, infected boyfriend, then fell asleep on the beach -- is that what happened? When we come back to Tenia, the judges decide that she's good enough to go on. Tenia and Alexandra celebrate in the hallway, Best Friends Forever Or Until One Of Them Starts Outshining The Other Causing The First One To Get Jealous And Start Saying Catty Things About Her To The Other Contestants.
We see Anjela and her mother trudging off as Black and Decker declare the first round of auditions over. Six were selected from Miami. We cut to Black and Decker standing outside somewhere, talking about the talent and such. Eventually, a voice off-screen orders the two of them to "get in the car." He actually calls one of them "Nancy." Heh. Oh, the two tools have "been arrested," apparently for "exposing themselves" at what they thought was a "nude beach." Okay, morons, if you're going to inflict these idiotic interludes on us, can you at least make sure that when you pretend that people are arrested for being naked on a public beach they are: one, naked (although I shudder at the thought); and two, somewhere that looks like a public beach, not standing under a freeway overpass? Idiots.
: The contestants are weeded down to the final thirty. Who will it be? Oh right -- we already know.