Tuesday. We open with headshots of each of this week's performers as Black and Decker melodramatically narrate, "Tonight on American Idol, the fate of these ten hopefuls rests in your hands." Those who aren't voted into the finals will apparently have their vocal cords forcibly severed so that they can never sing again and find success and fame outside the confines of this contest.
Opening credits. "Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa. Yeah." Those are the "lyrics" to the theme song. You'd think a contest for aspiring singers could come up with something better.
Black and Decker greet us from the new set for these performances. Ryan is wearing a ridiculous long-sleeved black shirt with a white zipper extending all the way down the center. Twit. At least he's calmed down a bit with the spiky hair. They make their way around the new set where the contestants' performances will take place, as they explain for the twenty-fifth time in three episodes that we, the viewing public, will be voting for who will move on in the competition, and "whose dream ends here." Man, FOX just thinks they're the alpha and omega of the fate of those on their reality shows, don't they? Between this and declaring that it's the "last chance for marriage" for the Bachelorettes in Alaska, it makes you wonder if they're pulling some sort of secret Running Man thing and taking the losers out back and putting them down. No wonder those girls seem so desperate.
Anyway, Black and Decker wander around the new set, passing by a table where Randy "not so much action" Jackson, Paula "not so much talent" Abdul, and Simon "not so much empathy" Cowell are already seated. They've got product-placed cups of cola in front of them. Black and Decker continue to explain that we'll be seeing ten contestants a week for the three weeks. Following the show each night, viewers vote for the ones they like the most. The top three from each group will move on to the finals, along with one "wild card" -- chosen by the three judges -- from the twenty-one who are left over. The venue will then shift to a larger stage with a live audience, where the final ten will continue to beg us to love them. Brian says, "So, it's go big or go home." I think that's the tool motto. No actual human being would ever say something so vapid.
The set. It looks like the set of The View with all of the furniture taken out. There's hardwood paneling everywhere and a large monitor in the back of the room with the American Idol logo on it. The stage is actually a rather small octagon in the center of the room, with the judges' table off to the side. As seems to be the case for all British import television shows, The Octagon of Judgment appears to be made of Plexiglas and lit from within. Black and Decker wander over to the other side of the room to a window, through which we can see tonight's performers waiting in what they call "The Red Room." I'll get to that particular monstrosity later. Black and Decker wave to the kids. The kids wave back, pretending not to hate them both.
Black and Decker explain that earlier in the week, the kids all picked out their songs and their "look" for their performances this evening. We see clips of the kids showing up at the studios. Kelli has a giant stuffed Hello Kitty with her. The kids are introduced to Debra Byrd, a whiskey-voiced zaftig vocal coach who promises to help them sound "fabulous." Although in some cases, it's probably going to end up more like "fabolous." In addition to the free vocal training, they also meet with a fashion consultant, who must have subsequently demanded that her name be taken off this production. Seriously -- she isn't identified, and from what we end up seeing, there's probably a reason. I've already caught a glimpse of Justinn's chest and have to choke back the bile.
After some clips of the kids singing and playing dress-up, we return to the Octagon, where Black and Decker reintroduce us to the judges. There's some unfunny shtick -- is there any other kind from these two? -- where they joke about Brian calling the judges something that sounds like "big shots," but isn't. Randy loves these guys, probably because Ryan is such a music-industry lapdog. He probably gives all of Randy's performers free blowjobs after interviewing them on his radio show. Paula is sporting Janet Jackson hair. Man, even after her decline from pop, she can't get out of Janet's shadow. She's nice and bland, as usual. Then they introduce Simon, who looks at Black and Decker like, "Just because I fucked you doesn't mean you can talk to me." Simon makes fun of Ryan's shirt because it makes him look like somebody from Star Trek. Actually, with that central zipper for easy removal, it's probably more like the gay porn parody, Star Fuck: The Wrath of Dong.
Black and Decker explain yet again that we get to vote. The kids pick songs. The kids come out and sing them. While they sing, a phone number for the kid appears onscreen. You like? You call. But you have to wait until the show is over, and the lines will be open for only two hours post-show. Although rumor has it that the lines turned out to be open for at least three hours. Following each performance, the judges will also give their own comments and criticism to the kids. After explaining this information, Black and Decker head into The Red Room to talk to tonight's contestants.
The Red Room. Lordy, where to begin? Which designer on Trading Spaces is always doing the weird theme rooms? Or is that too generic a question? Anyway, imagine that one of these designers had been assigned somebody's den and decided to make it over with a "corporate whore" theme. The room is red because it matches the exact same shade that is the color of a certain cola product. And as I look out my window, I see no truck full of money, so they still get no mention. There are red walls. There is red furniture. There is a bloody red couch whose back headrest has been cut so that it's slightly curved up for half and down for half; then the top part has been upholstered white in order to simulate the swirl you'll find in the logo of the cola company in question. The company's logo is actually one of the framed pictures in the room. There are soda machines and coolers in the back of the room, and they're not offering root beer. Since the purpose of this room seems to be to either sell us cola products or to sell us the competitors in pre- and post-interviews, I'm just going to call this room Pimp Central. Plus if Disney "imagineers" invented a bordello foyer, this is probably what it would look like. All style, but no actual personality.
Black and Decker wander in to greet the kids, who clap and drape themselves photogenically across the furniture. Brian immediately -- immediately -- makes a beeline over to Jim and Adriel to give them quick handshakes. The tools sit on the swirl couch and, with a blissful lack of suspense, reveal that Tamyra will be the first singer tonight. Tamyra heads over to sit to the two of them for her pre-interview. She's wearing a midriff-baring peasant blouse -- essentially, the cloth that should have been the stomach is used to make giant sleeves -- and lovely flared turquoise slacks. I just said "slacks." I'm so old. Black and Decker ask Tamyra how she feels about being first. She thinks it's good, because then she can get her performance out of the way and relax and meditate. They wish her luck and send her out to sing for our love.
As she heads out to The Octagon of Judgment, we get a brief clip show of her pre-performance preparations. There's Tamyra resting on the swirl couch. There's Tamyra with the vocal coach holding a bottle of something that is not a product-placed cola. I'm surprised they let that through, or didn't use computer imaging to change it. Debra makes Tamyra jog a lap around the practice room to get her energy up. I don't see Tamyra as somebody lacking in energy.
With very little fanfare, other than some applause from the other kids in Pimp Central, Tamyra hits the stage. After a quick hello to the judges, she starts right in on the song. Actually, I think they cut to her getting to the first chorus. I think the contestants sang the entire song, but they only show us about half of it, because they've got soft drinks to sell. I'm surprised that the microphone isn't shaped like a cola bottle. She sings "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," from the musical Dreamgirls. I thought recapping good shows was tough, but recapping good singing is even harder. She's note perfect and has a ton of energy and presence, and confident body language, though there's a little too much of that sassy back-and-forth head-bobbing for my taste. Well, any sassy back-and-forth head-bobbing is too much for my taste. The giant monitor is directly behind her, and as a backdrop, they use a field of stars that slowly moves forward and towards the edges of the screen. It looks like they're using a screensaver as a background. And they've got too much blue light on the contestants. When they zoom in on the performers singing, it looks like a public-access television show that managed to stumble across a half-decent production budget.
After Tamyra's done, she heads over to the edge of the Octagon to hear what the judges have to say. They love her. Randy thinks it was her best performance yet. Simon is evil, warning her that he's going to be harsher on all the contestants now than he was in the auditions before telling her that her performance was sensational. You know, I don't think it's Simon's "blunt honesty" that pisses people off so much as it is his obvious mind games. He loves the fact that everybody worries about his opinions, and he gets off on their feelings of terrified anticipation. Randy is no less blunt than Simon, but he doesn't get the emotional response that Simon does because he doesn't milk it at all. He just comes right out with it. Simon adds that he's sure that Tamyra will make it to the round with that performance.
Tamyra heads back to Pimp Central, where the kids and Black and Decker all cheer for her. She tells Black and Decker that she's happy and relieved that her performance went well, so now she can just sit back and support the other competitors.
Black and Decker waste no time revealing that the competitor to perform is Jim. We get clips of Jim's preparations. Oh, look -- we haven't heard enough about how amazing Jim is. Jim used to be fat! Fat! He carries around pictures of himself when he used to be fat. He really wasn't that fat. He says that he thinks he lost seventy pounds. He looks like he weighs about one hundred and twenty now. That would put him at around one hundred and ninety. I weigh about one hundred and eighty, and I fit comfortably into 33-inch waist jeans, so this is hardly one of the labors of Hercules here. And how manipulative is it to carry around "fat" pictures to show the camera? Look, girls! Unlike other boys, he'd never say mean things about the way you look, because he used to be fat. So he knows what it's like! And now he's cute!
Jim hits the Octagon, wearing an unbuttoned black shirt with white pinstripes and a black t-shirt underneath and a white t-shirt underneath that. Part of his collar is turned up and part is turned down for that "deliberately rumpled" look. He has chosen to sing "When I Fall In Love," which is the exact same song he sang at the auditions. He doesn't sign along to the music this time (apparently Simon asked him to do that in the auditions), but he's either too low on his vocal register or he's flat. I was in band, not chorus, so I'm not always the best at judging vocal qualities, but his singing is somewhere below where it should be. Just as with the original auditions, there isn't a lot of flow from verse to verse. He's not good at holding a note steady. He tilts his head to the side and mugs sad faces for the camera, which has caused some posters to describe him as looking like one of those "sad clown" paintings. It's a mediocre performance, especially coming on the heels of Tamyra's.
Jim moves to the side of the stage for the judges' comments when he's done. Randy says that he found Jim's performance to be rather boring. He adds that Jim sounded flat for some of the notes, so it wasn't just me. Paula disagrees and says it was one of Jim's best performances so far. A FOX executive slips Paula a check under the table. Simon, of course, has to be evil. He starts by telling Jim that he agrees that it was one of Jim's best performances; however, he doesn't believe that it was good enough, especially when compared to Tamyra's. Simon adds, "I think if you win this competition, we would have failed. Sorry." We cut to a reaction shot in Pimp Central of Natalie looking shocked. Thousands of teenage girls write in their diaries that they'll never ever date anybody named Simon. Jim thanks them and leaves.
So the question I have here is, are we getting "brutally honest" Simon or "mindfucking" Simon? If "mindfucking" Simon wanted to assist FOX in painting Jim as the underdog to the voting viewers, then he couldn't have spit out a better line than that. It's almost like he had scripted it in advance. Surely, as somebody who has made a career out of appealing to young adults, he must have known that rebellion (or rather a fourteen-year-old's perception of "rebellion") is the fuel that drives the machinery of pop music. On the other hand, this might be why he hasn't managed to crack the American market yet.
Back in Pimp Central, the other kids applaud for Jim anyway. He pouts and slides onto the couch to Black and Decker. Ryan takes a page from every annoying local news reporter in America by pointing out that something really bad just happened to Jim and asking Jim how he feels about it. Would it surprise you to find out that Jim feels kind of bummed out? Jim responds that he did his best and that he still respects Simon's opinion. Black and Decker congratulate Jim on his performance, then remind us again about the calling in and voting. Ryan suggests that we "call as many times as [we] want and vote for as many people as [we] want." And with those magic words, Ryan opens the floodgates of phone vote spamming. Or should I call it "hamming," since we're talking about Jim?
When we return from commercials, it's Adriel's turn. Adriel definitely puts the "pimp" in Pimp Central with his tan-and-black-striped open-throated shirt and matching tight-fitting pants. I dunno. I think it kinda works. He doesn't go over the top with it. He takes it right to the edge of the top and stops. We get clips of him flirting with Paula at his first audition and talking about how exciting it is to have people watch him sing and vote.
Adriel makes his way out to The Octagon of Judgment, and, like Jim, performs the exact same song as his first audition, "I'll Be." He starts off a little flat as well, but corrects quickly. He's got pretty good tone and can hold the long notes, but strangely, he tends to chop off the mid-length notes too soon. His voice lacks the sort of overall total strength that we'll end up getting from most of the women we'll be seeing tonight, but he's good. He's better than Jim, anyway.
When Adriel's done, he heads over to the judges. Paula compliments him on his confidence. Drink! Randy agrees with Paula and tells Adriel that this was his best performance yet. Simon agrees as well, and calls Adriel a star. Adriel thanks them all and heads back to Pimp Central to tell Black and Decker that he's glad they liked his performance and stuff. Ryan points out that Simon said something good about Adriel, and asks how that made Adriel feel. Would it surprise you to hear that it made Adriel feel good? So many emotional revelations on this show.
on the block is Rodesia. We've seen a total of 2.3 seconds of her so far on this show. Rodesia is wearing a peach top and white short-shorts. She has a big white flower in her hair over her right ear. It's just not a good look for her, I don't think. It's a summery look, but she's got a very husky voice, and it just doesn't go well together. Look at what this show has done to me. I don't really talk like this in the real world, ever. I don't even notice crap like this in the real world. I wear t-shirts with stains on them and my jeans have a hole in one knee. In Rodesia's clips, Black and Decker narrate that she spent more time working on her look than her song, "Daydream Believer." They show her essentially blowing off Debra's practice suggestions. In an interview, she explains that she eventually got into the song, and when she "changed the song to kind of make it [hers], then it kind of grew on [her]," and now she likes it and can't wait to perform it. It sounds like she picked a song that she didn't really like and then played with it. Why did she do that? Couldn't she find a song she liked? Questions we'll never have answers to.
Rodesia heads out to the Octagon to perform. She couldn't hold a note steady if she hammered it into the wall. Eventually she warms up to the song and doesn't sound bad, but it's too late. The first half of her performance was just everywhere except where it needed to be. She does the "I can't dance" bounce and shuffle to try to give the song some energy, but it doesn't work. And it really wasn't a good song for her. She just doesn't have an "upbeat" voice. She might have done better with something more bluesy.
Rodesia heads over to the side of the Octagon to listen to the judges. She slouches in defeat like she knows bad news is coming. She walks rather clumsily, too. I don't think she's comfortable in whatever shoes she's wearing. Paula starts by telling Rodesia that she started a little shakily, but eventually got into the groove of the song. Randy tells Rodesia that he likes how Rodesia "represents that whole urban, kind of, you know, gospel-tinged, kind of hip-hop kind of vibe kind of thing." Hmm. What? She's dressed for a Memorial Day party and sang "Daydream Believer." I get that he's saying that Rodesia isn't trying to water down her African-American qualities, but why isn't he quibbling with her song choice? Anyway, Randy likes her. I'm going to guess that he looks at her and can visualize her actually performing something within that vibe he was talking about. Or, perhaps as is the case between Paula and Mark, he just wants to have sex with her. Whatever. Anyway, unlike the other two, Simon didn't like Rodesia's performance, and says so. He says this was her weakest performance so far. We cut to Pimp Central, where Jim stands up and gasps melodramatically. Simon tells Rodesia that her performance was terrible.
Rodesia slouches her way back to Pimp Central, where Jim greets her with a hug, to remind us all that he's cute and thoughtful and sensitive. Sorry, but I think the veil of manipulation has been lifted on Jim, and now I'm just going to be second-guessing every single thing he does. If he rescued orphans from a burning building, I'd start wondering if he didn't set the fire first. Rodesia plops down to Black and Decker to answer the "How does it feel to be dissed?" question. Rodesia suggests that Simon probably didn't like that her version of "Daydream Believer" varied so greatly from the original version by The Monkees. You know, if Simon were more specific about why he doesn't like a given performance, it would eliminate this whole issue of everybody wondering what Simon wants. But then again, if he were more specific and the singers actually understood Simon's thought processes, then he would lose some of his mystique and control over them. So it's best that he makes these vague, occasionally terrible pronouncements that leave the performers slightly confused and therefore easily manipulated. Anyway, Rodesia insists that there are no hard feelings and that she doesn't hate Simon for hating her performance.
Commercials. girls club. Because Ally McBeal was just too subtle. David E. Kelley's new show is just going to be called Boobies.
Back in Pimp Central, Natalie's to perform. Natalie's wearing a belly-baring black top and low-rise jeans and these weird black handless gloves. Not fingerless gloves; handless gloves. It's about three inches of black leather covering her wrists. They're like carpal-tunnel braces. In clips, they try to convince us that Natalie was nervous at the warm-ups with Debra. I just don't buy Natalie being nervous. She's totally playing to the cameras again.
Natalie heads out to the stage and greets the judges. She starts singing "Crazy," and though her voice is terrific, her treatment of the song is just wrong. Her voice is full of confidence, sexuality, and certainty. "Crazy" is all about yearning, confusion, and vulnerability, and Natalie's about as vulnerable as Fort Knox. At no point in her performance is she ever unaware of which camera is on her. There are no profile shots of her singing, because whenever the camera angle changes, she makes sure that she's right there with it, staring into the lens and making sex faces. She even does the orgasm hand -- you know how the woman runs a hand up the side of her cheek and clutches at the hair at her temples? Do women actually do that? ["Ha! No." -- Sars] Her voice is better than it was in her auditions, but her song choice is just wrong.
Natalie heads over to listen to the judges. Paula comments on Natalie's confidence. Drink! Randy tells Natalie that he thought the song started well, but weakened toward the end. But overall, he thought she was good. Simon says that based on Natalie's performance, he wouldn't know what to do with her. He asks Natalie how old she is. She says she just turned seventeen. God strikes her dead with a bolt of lightning. ! Actually, Simon points out that she's singing a song that's forty or fifty years old. Because, you know, Dreamgirls is such a contemporary piece of musical theater. Natalie points out that "it's Patsy," meaning that the song is a classic. Simon tries to point out some sort of problem with that, but trails off. Natalie asks if she can't have an appreciation of older music. Simon acknowledges that she does, and that's it. For some reason, Mr. Brutal Honesty doesn't explain that having an appreciation of older music also means singing it in the proper context, and that nobody should fake an orgasm while singing "Crazy." Just tell her! God! Why doesn't he tell her? Simon's like an EST seminar guy. He just keeps giving conflicting demands and yelling at you until you just wear down and surrender and allow him to make all decisions for you. I may think he's witty and clever and entertainingly evil, but I wouldn't sign a contract with Simon for a million dollars. Or any amount of money.
Natalie heads back to Pimp Central, where Jim's waiting at the door like a puppy to get in a hug. Brian observes that Jim's getting hugs on all the female contestants. Hear that, girls? Jim likes to hug women! Imagine him hugging you right now! Isn't he cute?! Black and Decker ask Natalie if she was nervous. She says that she got a little behind on the music and had to catch up. I didn't hear that, but I guess she'd know.
up is Brad. Who? Exactly. In clips we learn that Brad has a tattoo of a phoenix on the back of his shoulder. Actually, let me be a little bit more specific than the show. Brad really has a tattoo of the exact symbol that Phoenix, a heroine in The X-Men, used to wear on her chest. He must have brought the comic book in when he had the tattoo made. He says that the tattoo is a reminder to keep growing and pushing himself until he becomes drunk with unlimited psychic powers, flies off to a far-away galaxy, drains a sun of all its power, kills everybody on a nearby planet, and eventually commits suicide on the moon. It's nice to have ambitions.
Since that tattoo explains everything there is to know about Brad, we cut to his performance. Brad is dressed very blandly, with a gray buttoned shirt, black t-shirt, and jeans. He sings "Just Once," and doesn't have much range. His voice is rather monotonous, and he doesn't know what to do with his free hand. It flails around distractingly as he fails to create the kind of passion the song is supposed to invoke. He can't hold a steady note, either. It's simply not a very good performance.
The judges agree. Randy tells Brad that he'd rank that performance a three on a scale of one to ten. Paula surprises me with a cogent comment that Brad didn't seem "connected" to the song, but then says that his performance improved as he got more confident. Drink! Simon's pendulum swings back to full evil. He tells Brad that his performance reminded him of a "local Chilean variety show in South America." As opposed to the local Chilean variety shows they have in Belgium? You can actually hear the kids in the background howl their disapproval at that insult. We see reaction shots of Tamyra and Chris looking disgusted with Simon. I hope he doesn't expect any of the performers from this show to work with him after this, because I don't see it happening. Simon says that he doesn't think Brad's performance was up to par, but who knows, the voters might disagree. Brad smiles and imagines tossing a diaper full of Chilean baby diarrhea at Simon's head as he heads back to Pimp Central.
Tellingly, Jim has no hugs for Brad, and Brad was certainly criticized more harshly than Natalie or Rodesia. Brad cracks that he hopes the folks of Chile are voting tonight as he sits to Black and Decker. They praise him for his good attitude. Brad sits there wishing that he had something besides a tattoo to milk for votes as we go to commercials.
So apparently, Disney animators had some contest to develop the most insufferably cute creature in the entire universe. I'll still see Lilo and Stitch, because I'm a Disney animation whore.
When we return, Black and Decker announce that Ryan is the performer. Ryan is just determined to capture the key "wild animal attack survivor" vote. Her belly shirt and miniskirt are made from strips of white fabric sewn together with strips of gray fabric. In flashback clips, we get confirmation that Ryan was indeed the girl identified as Tiffany Montgomery in the first episode. There's no explanation about the name change or anything. I guess we're just supposed to pretend that we didn't see that. Ryan tells the camera that she "made" this outfit as the "show-stopper." I think she actually does make her own clothes. If this doesn't work out, she can start her own line of fashion -- "Savagewear: for girls who want to the world to think that they've barely escaped death."
Ryan hits The Octagon of Judgment and sings an old Nat King Cole tune called "Frim Fram Sauce." The lyrics go, "I don't want French-fried potatoes, / Red, ripe tomatoes. / I'm never satisfied. / I want the frim fram sauce and the ussin-fay / With shafafa on the side." I'm not allowed to have any frim fram sauce because of the cholesterol, and shafafa gives me stomach cramps. Good lord, what is on Ryan's feet? They look like white go-go boots that are four sizes too large. Anyway, her singing is terrific; she milks her husky voice, and it works very well for the song, unlike Rodesia's choice. Her skankwear is just totally unnecessary, although it certainly heightens the sexual subtext of the song. For some reason, I can totally imagine Vonda Shepard butchering this tune on Ally McBeal while sex-related "wacky hijinks" are in progress. Thank god that show's over.
When Ryan's done singing about how surviving animal attacks makes her hungry and horny, she heads over for the judges' comments. Paula praises Ryan for her confidence (drink!), and says that Ryan's personality has really started to shine through since her meek appearance at the first auditions. Randy says that he wouldn't know what to do with Ryan based on her song choice, adding that he was "totally thrown off." Simon agrees, and points out that they're looking for a certain type of image (meaning "pop") and Ryan sounded cabaret. So did Tamyra. So did Natalie. You're sitting here in a small room with a single piano as accompaniment. Everybody's going to sound a little cabaret. It is cabaret. Ryan responds that a good singer should be able to handle a variety of different songs. She says that she sings rock music, but decided to go with something jazzier. Simon responds that she's certainly allowed to her interpretation, and leaves it up to the voters to decide.
Back in Pimp Central, the kids cheer for Ryan as she returns. This time, Kelli runs up to hug her. Ryan sits down to Black and Decker, who point out that the judges told her early on to work on her personality and confidence, and she certainly took their words to heart. But then they point out that the judges still criticized her for the song that she chose. Ryan says that she deliberately picked it because the judges thought she was shy, and she wanted to show them that she wasn't shy. I don't think you can be shy and dress the way she does.
up is Justinn. No, don't go "Eeeeeeee!" It's not that Justin. Justinn has long dreads and is wearing a tan pimp jacket with no shirt at all. He's also wearing an elaborate necklace made of gold-tone safety pins. It's the most ridiculous fashion choice I've seen on this show thus far. It's worse than anything Tenia or Alexandra has worn. He whines that he didn't get any camera time during the auditions, so he wants to make an impression with what he calls a "Justinn Waddell original." The stylist says she loves it, knowing that since Justinn claimed the look, she doesn't have to take any responsibility for it. He smacks his lips at the camera three times like he's blowing kisses. The guy is skeevier than Levi Blue.
Out on stage, Justinn performs "When A Man Loves A Woman." He has a thin, breathy voice with no presence. He's all smiling and upbeat and presents the song with the wrong attitude, just as Natalie did, but at least she could sing. Dude, when a man loves a woman, he doesn't come around dressed like that or screech that awful flat note for about five seconds. Yuck. He's got more safety pins stuck into his right pantleg.
Justinn heads over to the judges after his performance. Paula tells him that she thought he was good, but she's heard better from him. Randy points out that he chose an unusual outfit to go along with the song. Justinn responds that he's "got a lot of love to give." Is there such a thing as a class-action restraining order? Simon says that it's a problem for him to come out dressed that way to perform a classic love song. He tells Justinn that he can't even hope to sing it as well as the song's original performer, and adds that there are much better singers in the competition. We get a reaction shot of Tamyra's eyes bugging out with shock. Come on, she can't be that surprised. That was a pretty mild comment for Simon, and he's totally right. Simon does compliment Justinn on his look -- why, I have no idea -- and tells Justinn that his performance was "well done" overall. Justinn's shocked by Simon's backhanded compliment, and Paula has to repeat it to verify that Simon didn't totally, completely hate him.
It's Rodesia's turn to hug! She greets Justinn as he heads back to Pimp Central. The kids cheer. Black and Decker point out that judges are in a bad mood. They ask Justinn to explain his look. He describes it as "Aerosmith meets urban meets nudity meets body meets everybody meets you." I describe it as ick meets yuck meets eww meets a safety pin necklace meets my lunch meets the toilet.
Commercials. Then it's Kelli's turn to wow us. Kelli has bought into Ryan's "shred chic." She's got on a pink midriff-revealing shirt with pieces ripped off, and low-rise jeans with other pieces of pink fabric wrapped around at various points. She's wearing too much white eye shadow, which is any amount of white eye shadow. We see clips of her worrying about her song choices in the practices. She tells Debra that she hates both of the songs that they're working with. There's still no clarification of the song selection method, so I don't know if that means that she doesn't like the choices she has, or if she's just having a bad day and doesn't like the way the songs are sounding. Black and Decker narrate that Kelli turned to a "trusted advisor" for some help -- her mother. Kelli tells us that her mom told her, "If you don't sing 'I Will Always Love You,' then you might as well not even come home." Well, that's taking stage mothering to new heights. I guess Kelli's mom will always love her as long as she does what she's told.
Kelli heads up to the Octagon and begins singing. At home, Whitney Houston momentarily drifts out of a cocaine-induced haze, wondering why the sound of her own voice is coming out of the television. She's all, "Hey, I got another gig. Yeah, I've still got it, baby," before losing consciousness on a pile of used syringes on the couch. Really, Kelli is mimicking the exact tone, range, and delivery that Whitney uses for the song. The same pauses. The same enunciations. The same everything. She's trying to, anyway. She has some problems with reaching certain notes. They get stuck in her throat, giving her a strange "Muppet voice" quality at times.
Once Kelli's attempts at musical cloning are complete, she heads over for the judges' comments. Randy liked her performance overall, but brings up the Muppet voice problem, which he says happens when she's running out of breath. Paula thinks Kelli was wonderful. No comments about confidence. Simon agrees that Kelli has been consistently good, but says he was disappointed in her performance. Simon has taken a hard line against cloning. He tells her that she needs to stop trying to copy Whitney Houston. He says she's a fantastic singer, but she needs to develop into "somebody unique." But, you know, not so unique that music executives have to think for more than five seconds about which marketing box you fit in or anything. Simon describes Kelli's singing as a "karaoke sound-alike performance" and tells her she's capable of much more.
Brad doesn't want us to forget him, even though we already have, and rushes up to hug Kelli as she returns to Pimp Central. Black and Decker ask Kelli about Simon's criticism of her mimicry. She insists that she does have her own style, but when it comes to the song she chose, "You really can't ruin it. You have to sing it within the way she sings it, because she made it beautiful." That's funny -- Kelli didn't sound anything like Dolly Parton. Whatever. Two talented singers have managed to interpret it in different ways, so toss out whatever excuse you like. Oh, and Kelli has to tie up her hair when she goes to the movies so that her big afro doesn't interfere with the viewing enjoyment of the people who sit behind her. Black and Decker thought that this would be an interesting story to share with us, because they're brain-damaged morons.
We won't be able to see the mysterious Christopher's performance until we come back from commercials, but before that, Brian insists that the tension is getting to him and he needs a "cool [product-placed cola]." Ryan says to bring him back one and some for the others. The camera actually stays on Brian as he heads to the soft drink coolers in the back of the room so that we can see all the pretty red logos. And if that's not enough, the bumper before the commercials features "[product-placed cola] Moments," showing the contestants mugging for the cameras and posing in front of The Red Screen of Corporate Whoredom. I sip rebelliously on my Dr. Pepper Super Big Gulp. I wasn't paid to say that. I'm just fickle that way.
Christopher comes to sit to Black and Decker as we return from commercials. Chris is wearing a sleeveless white shirt with gray patterns on it and oversized black leather pants. I had no idea that leather pants came in XXXXXL. It seems that Chris has a reputation for remaining cool under pressure. That would have been an interesting thing to see as a contrast during the auditions, but people not having nervous breakdowns doesn't qualify as good television. In clips, they reveal that Chris and Tamyra have been friends for five years. Tamyra's the one who helped him pick out his outfit to make sure he's "sexy enough for the females." He says that as if it's a new concept for him. Maybe it is.
He hits The Octagon of Judgment and sings Brian McKnight's "Still In Love." He sings with that familiar "R&B guy falsetto." He's pleasant enough, especially compared to the screwdriver to the eardrums that was Khaleef Chiles. He has some issues with note consistency and vocal strength, but it's a serviceable performance.
Christopher heads over to the judges for post-performance comments. Randy really, really liked Christopher's performance and calls it amazing. He talks about how "cool" Christopher is under pressure. Paula compliments Christopher's confidence. Drink! And here's Simon with the manipulative evil: "Chris, I don't think you've shone in this competition…[incredibly long pause and a reaction shot from Pimp Central]…until now. I thought that was fantastic -- really fantastic." Everybody cheers.
Kelli rushes up and leaps on Christopher as he returns to Pimp Central. As soon as she peels herself off him, Tamyra runs up to jump on him for a hug. He makes Tamyra sit with him for his post-interview with Black and Decker. The focus of the interview? Christopher is one cool cat. Write it down. It's apparently the only thing that matters about him.
And that concludes the performances. We get repeat clips of tonight's performances with the appropriate phone numbers. Black and Decker remind us to tune in tomorrow to see the results of the votes. If you want to relive the tension of waiting, stop reading here and come back in twenty-four and a half hours. Otherwise, let's move on to the results show.
Wednesday. Black and Decker greet us live from atop The Octagon of Judgment. Apparently all the attention has gotten Ryan a little…excited. There's a pronounced bulge in his khakis that give us a good impression of his…uh…job qualifications. It looks like he dresses left, if anybody cares. And now that I've sunk to recapping Ryan Seacrest's penis, death will most certainly come as a welcome release. I'm not going to get into the issue of the nipples, because I won't make it through the recap. They tell us to stay tuned to find out who tonight's three winners will be.
Credits. Black and Decker tell us again that the show is live. Ryan reveals that they received more than three million call-in votes following the show. You just know he's thinking, "Take that, Carson! You ever get three million calls in two hours at your little Total Request Live show? Huh? Who's top tool in the box, now, Carson? Huh?"
They reintroduce us to the panel of judges. Man, I can't go through each episode with them pretending that we didn't see the last episode. There's Randy, Paula, and Simon. Today is Paula's birthday. Simon snarks to Paula, "For fifty, you look amazing." Paula's brilliant comeback: "It must be the same cream I'm using from you that you've given me for your anti-aging, since you're seventy." That's a direct quote, people. It would have been less embarrassing if she had responded, "I know you are, but what am I?"
Hey, in case you hadn't heard, it's our votes who decide who wins this contest. Really. We get a flashback of the kids' performances. There's Tamyra and her talent; Jim and his hammy mugging; Adriel and his pimp pants; Rodesia and her "Ohhhhhhhhhh!"; Natalie and her orgasm hands; Brad and his tattoo; Ryan and her shafafa on the side; Justinn and his ick; Kelli and her psychic channeling powers; and Christopher and his cool.
We return to the present, where the kids are all reclining on sofas on the side of the room opposite the judges. Black and Decker sit among them. Ryan asks Natalie if she was able to sleep last night. She says she didn't, and several of them stayed up talking all night because they were just so nervous. Ryan asks Christopher if he's still calm, cool, and collected. He is. Brian asks Kelli if she talked to anybody about her performance. She says she talked to her mom and friends, who told her, "Don't cry." Who knew you could have foreshadowing in a live show? Brian puts a hand on Jim's arm and asks him how he's feeling. Blah blah nerves, et cetera. Kelli gives him a little hug. If nothing else, these kids do seem to genuinely like each other.
Last night, they asked the judges to predict who would be the first-place winner. All three of them agreed that Tamyra would snatch the top position. Back in the present, they ask Tamyra how she feels about being the favorite. She's wearing a beautiful, simple white dress and midriff-baring top. She's happy but humble, pointing out that it's up to the voters to decide. Brian asks the judges if any of them want to change their votes, having had a night to sleep on it. None of them have any doubt that Tamyra will win. Randy and Simon do that fist bap thing. You're not allowed to do that after you reach the age of twenty-four.
Black and Decker say that we'll find out if the judges' predictions were right after the commercials, but due to popular demand, they're going to show us another lousy audition. It's a forty-year-old bald man in some strange, squatting pose, attempting to sing "Amazing Grace." As somebody pointed out on the boards, it sounds like he's trying to sing the bagpipe arrangement of the hymn. Randy holds his hands up in prayer for divine intervention. We don't hear anything other than the first two words, and it's not nearly as funny as "Sigh-yuh-lent Night."
Commercials. If I refused to do anything that helped support terrorism, I'd be arrested for tax evasion.
Oh, these poor kids. They've forced them into helping pimp the auto manufacturer sponsoring the show. Kelli is behind the wheel of some ugly yellow car. She's pretending to drive while telling her Hello Kitty doll, sitting in the passenger seat, about how her mom told her not to come home if she didn't sing the Whitney. Hello Kitty's all, "Shut up, bitch! We're supposed to be looking for my dealer!" Natalie pokes out of the sunroof of a blue car to tell us that this has all been an educational experience for her. Adriel pretends to drive a car while blathering that his mom bribed him into auditioning, and he's kind of awestruck at the idea of possibly getting to pursue his dreams. Kelli drives with her eyes closed and talks about how amazing it was to walk into the studio. First Whitney -- now is she going to clone Halle's accident?
NEWSFLASH! Tonight's three winners will move on to the round. Thanks, Black and Decker. I often wonder what it's like to have no attention span. Finally, it's time to reveal the first winner. After dragging it out as long as he can, Ryan opens the envelope to reveal that it's Tamyra. Hooray! She gets big hugs from Christopher and Ryan, and is sent up to sit in one of three uncomfortable-looking wire chairs they've got set up for the winners. Black and Decker try to get Tamyra to admit that she knew she'd make it, but she still won't bite. She's not a fan of Hubris Records. Black and Decker ask the judges how they were so certain that Tamyra would win. Simon says that when he first met her, he described her as having that "X Factor," with a "capital X." Actually, that's how he described Kelli. He upgraded the system to "Zed" once he met Tamyra. He says you can't deny Tamyra's talent.
Black and Decker promise to announce the winner following the commercials, but first they claim that they want to get analysis from "the man on the street." They explain that this person went to the auditions, didn't make it, and let all the viewers know of her discontent. It's Tah-mee-kah, in some pre-recorded insult-fest on the monitor. This time it's directed at the other contestants. She's still got two sets of glasses on her head. Tah-mee-kah tells Rodesia to "keep dreaming," because she could sing better than her. She mocks Ryan's song choice because she doesn't know what the hell "Frim Fram Sauce" is. She tells Jim that he sucked, and agrees with Simon's assessment. God, that was awful. Television executives are like living examples of the fable about the golden goose. They get one golden egg, then fling the bird into the blender and toss paté at us in the hopes we'll think that's gold, too. The fun of Tah-mee-kah was her spontaneous, defensive outburst at criticism against her, not just hearing her say mean things. Stupid FOX. They ruin everything.
When we return from commercials, Black and Decker blather about what "Frim Fram Sauce" might be. Host Ryan asks, "Is it cream-based?" Well, if he gets any more "excited," we might just find out. Oh, okay, so it's not enough that this show orchestrated insults against the contestants from Tah-mee-kah; now they have to put the kids on the spot on live television for their responses. Rodesia tries to think of a witty retort and fails, simply calling her "The Winkest [sic] Link." They turn to Jim, who pretends to be sad, just like he does when he's singing. He's faking, though, and tells Tah-mee-kah that she needs to call 1-800-ABCDEFG. Well, at least Rodesia's bad comeback was only a year old.
Now Black and Decker try to stir up some conflict between the competitors and the judges. They ask if any of them have anything they want to say to the judges here on live television. Natalie shoots a hand up. She asks if any of them "feel bad" for any of the mean things they've said to the contestants and if they can "sleep at night." Man, why doesn't anybody ask them anything of substance that actually helps us understand what it is they think they're looking for and how they're making their decisions? Simon pretends that the question was directed to Paula and repeatedly asks her if she slept well last night. Paula and Simon hate each other. It's totally not an act. There's a veneer of friendly, polite sarcasm between the two of them, but it's obvious that neither of them can stand the other. Simon keeps pestering Paula about whether or not she slept well. She insists that she did. Simon says he doesn't know how Paula slept well, but she did. I haven't a clue what he means. Not one. Is he saying that Paula's too nice and should feel guilty? What? Anyway, much to everybody's surprise, probably even Simon's, he admits that sometimes his mouth gets away from his brain and he does look back and regret things that he's said, but that's just the way it is. Some contestants were good and some were dreadful.
Anyway, now that they've wasted enough time with this pointless discussion, it's time to reveal the second winner. First, we get the judges' predictions. Randy and Paula think it's Chris. Simon thinks it's Adriel. Black and Decker ask if anybody wants to change their votes. None of them do, but Simon comments that the women had stronger performances, and wonders if Ryan might make the second spot as a "dark horse" contestant.
Once again, Black and Decker milk the announcement for far too long before revealing that Simon's instincts were right: Ryan captured the second slot. Ryan just sits there for a few seconds before remembering that her name isn't Tiffany anymore and that they were talking about her. Christopher helps her to her feet as she acts shocked. Ryan is slightly less mauled than usual. She's wearing a full set of jeans with some strips of fabric wrapped around her here and there. She takes her seat to Tamyra. Ryan is so shocked as she sits in the winner's chair that she can't even form a complete recognizable word. She sounds like her mouth is gummed up with peanut butter. Black and Decker ask Simon how he knew this might happen. Simon insists that he didn't actually predict her, because he didn't like her song, but could see why the public would. Um, yeah, wouldn't that be your job as a record executive? Black and Decker ask Ryan what Frim Fram Sauce is. She has no clue, really. She says it's some sauce they put on French food, just because this show has to stay G-rated. Host Ryan asks if it's low in fat. Oh, Ryan -- I'm sure you've swallowed quite a few mouthfuls of Frim Fram Sauce in your time.
Commercials. And then more commercials. Oh, wait, the show's back; it's just using live television to pimp their sponsors some more. Host Ryan sits among the unchosen, asking if any of them want anything to soothe their nerves. He calls on Natalie, who looks terribly embarrassed as she whispers "a [product-placed cola]" as softly as she possibly can. Ryan shouts out, "A cool, refreshing [product-placed cola] for Natalie, please." Natalie looks into the camera and smiles in embarrassment, begging us to not think she's a whore. She's so horrified at the product placement that I very nearly like her. Nobody actually makes a move to fetch Natalie a [product-placed cola]. How's Chris? Chris is still cool. He says he's happy that two of his close friends have made it to the round.
It's time to reveal the third choice. Black and Decker ask the judges to predict the third winner live. Randy picks Chris. Paula and Simon pick Adriel. And then, after dragging it out for another five minutes, Black and Decker reveal the final winner. It's Jim "Cloy Wonder" Verraros. Man, I was so repulsed when I first watched this. I figured that after Tamyra and Ryan made it, we'd be spared the vagaries of the Tiger Beat teens. Jim calculatedly has no response. He's actually pouting. You can practically see him thinking, "Look like you were sure you didn't have a chance. It makes you look like more of an underdog." Most of the other kids are surprisingly happy, though. Natalie jumps up and down for him. All the other girls -- and Brad -- come over to give him a hug. That includes Kelli, by the way. The non-gay boys clap politely for Jim. Jim stands up and gives Natalie a huge hug that may or may not be the announcement of one boy's return to life in the closet, before making his way out to the winner's chair. Tamyra and Ryan give him big hugs.
As Jim composes himself, Black and Decker point out that Randy and Simon were great big meanies to Jim at the competition the night. They ask Simon about his comment that they'll have failed as judges if Jim wins, and asks him what he thinks. Simon simply responds that he's entitled to his position and the voters are entitled to theirs. He says that he's happy for Jim and respects the vote, even if he doesn't agree with it. Brian asks Simon if there wasn't a chance that Simon's mean comments precipitated a backlash. Randy asks if Brian is saying that Jim won by "sympathy votes." Brian turns strangely defensive on Jim's behalf and insists that people were rooting for him since day one (thanks to the show's manipulative presentation of him), and adds that Jim "deserves" to be there. I think I may have recently banned Brian from our boards. In any event, Brian is totally coming off like Jim's fuck-puppet. Calm down, dude. Don't bring your romances into the workplace. It's just not professional.
We cut back to see the seven losers. They clap politely for the three winners. Kelli's head is down, and she's totally crying. She's probably just been rendered homeless. Black and Decker remind the seven of them that the judges get a wild-card pick, and it may be one of them.
So our three winners for this round are Tamyra, Ryan, and Jim. They remind us which ten performers will perform week: Alexandra (Britney 2.0), Alexis (Waif), Kelly (Uh?), A.J. (Mama's Boy), Justin (Eeeeeeee!), Jamar (Anybody seen my last name?), Jazmin (Sure. Whoever), Gil (If you say so), Angela (What baby?), and Tenia (Is this thong too tame?). Back at the set, they've still got some time to kill. I'm surprised they don't sing a [product-placed cola] commercial. Black and Decker ask the three winners if they have anybody to thank. Jim thanks the undiscriminating little unicorn-loving teens with overly permissive parents whose trained-monkey-like button-pressing got him where he is. I'm paraphrasing a bit. Seriously, voting three hundred times for him? Winning this competition could very well be the worst thing to happen to Jim, because pressing buttons for free does not translate to record sales. If he won because of a small group of persistent voters, he's going to just bomb horribly when it comes time for the consuming public to put its money where its mouth is. Or fingers were. Or whatever. Anyway, Ryan and Tamyra thank everybody as the show comes to a close. During the credits, Brian and Jim hug just a little too much. Everybody hugs and cries and whatever. Kelli sits alone, weeping. Somebody (possibly Simon, of all people) comes over to put out an arm to comfort her, but she recoils. What a lovely shot to end the episode -- a diva denied.