Ryan's smile seems a bit painted on tonight, does it not? I hope this two hours isn't too stressful on him, dear thing. And we're on that great big ol' death stage that keeps trying to eat Debbie, that can't be good. But at least Ellen is dressed like Hipster Indiana Jones, so she can save them with her giant Rufus Humphrey scarf.
Wait, so these are the Top Twelve? You will probably be less than shocked to learn that I don't really remember last week so good. We got Casey in a Western shirt and lank hair, Tim finally showing off that five-star body, Crystal dressed like a lady, Mike dressed like a great wall with lipstick on, Aaron Kelly in his even gayer-than-usual costume as The Unfortunate Irony, Katie Stevens looking flyish, Paige Miles looking her best ever, Siobhan looking like she's about to win a Crazy Person Tapdance Competition, Didi and Lacey making identical scary-clown faces in opposite clothes of each other, and the people I was most wondering whether we'd see them tonight: Andrew and Lee, dressed like each other. Quite a lineup, with the tacky trash on one side, and the earnest dumb guys on the other side.
The Rolling Stones. What I know about the Rolling Stones is that 1) Keith Richards looks like fucking hell, all the time, 2) What we be doing is we be kickin' dudes to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger, 3) They wrote like every song, name a song they wrote it, and most importantly 5) They are the definition of rock music. That last, of course, being why it makes total sense to have Stones Night. On this show. Which is the definition of the antonym of rock music.
You know, there are some things about ladies I will just never get. Even looking at the retrospective of the Stones's entire existence, you cannot pinpoint a moment where Mick Jagger looked like anything other than a pile of oily rags. But there is an awesomeness to him, and to David Bowie, that makes us leapfrog over the evidence in front of their eyeballs and proclaim that they are worth looking at. The thought that looking at Bowie in Labyrinth and not wanting to hurl is just unfathomable to me. Jagger too. And their gorgeous wives! How? How did Iggy Pop ever get away with looking like zombie vomit? Even Steven Tyler gets away with it despite the fact that he looks like a starving monkey on meth and dresses like Auntie Mame.
I don't think it's a double-standard thing either because plenty of dramatically ugly girls are so good at being pretty that we do the same thing. Like, every supermodel of course is weird-looking, and most socialites look inbred. But with rare exceptions -- Katie Holmes, the categorical disaster that is Maggie Gyllenhaal -- I can overlook it. Not so with your Michael Stipes and Thom Yorkes. Maybe we're reaching a point where once these old dudes die we'll stop pretending. Which will be fine, because by that point it's just going to be Jonas Brothers and Tim Urban everywhere you look anyway.
First up is Big Mike, his Palestinian scarf, his childhood, his football career, his dead mom, his adorable wife, her scarf, his secret love of guitar playing, that baby he has, and his hopes to be the man he is capable of doing. That's awesome. This song "Miss You," I don't think I know it. Some Girls album, 1978. I thought I was well-versed in the Stones, but the only song I know from this album is "Beast Of Burden." Maybe that's why this is so awesome to me. It's very badass soulful and there are all kinds of falsetto moments and generally great moves. He seems even more confident onstage than usual.
I love how Mike is all kinds of things at once. Not afraid to dance around all gay, not afraid to beat your ass for saying so, and then give you a hug. I feel so bad about the baby thing last week but I mean, until that moment it wasn't him doing it. Until that effing baby song. I have to pretend the faceless show is evil and the people only have good intentions, and when they play those cards it gets weird. Ellen says she has yet to be disappointed by him. Kara says he filled the stage and that the Stones "were" comfortable and filled up the stage, once upon a time. Simon agrees about his confidence, but says it was somewhat desperate. I can see that, I suppose. Then Ryan comes down off the stage and gets right in his face for no real reason, and then Simon invites him back to the trailer so they can... Fuck. Yep. I'm never kidding when I say that, these days, but today I really am not kidding.
Why is Didi's mom not in the theatre? Because it makes her nervous to see Didi sing and then get judged. Where are they from? Knoxville. Of her three sisters, Didi was the artistic sensitive one. Her mom is neato, I would like to know her. I love how she's in LA to support her, but can't make it into the actual show. The way Didi says things is really guarded, like, she says she and her sisters are "very different people" and leaves it at that, and then says she loves having her mother in town but that nobody pushes her to succeed quite as much as herself. I always feel like there's more to the story and she wants me to know what it is, but it's just a lot of dot-dot-dot at the end.
"Playing With Fire" was one of my favorites when I was little, and Didi is one of my favorites these days, so let's see. She's got a lot of stuff hanging off her, costumery-wise, and she seems to be singing even more in the Lilly mode than usual this week. (Which: Read this link, thanks Jon, and then I dare you to tell me I was too harsh.) The song sits in a weird place in her range, making it seem like her voice is a lot more strident and yelly than it should be, and she seems to be forgetting about half the words, but if Kara wanted people to "connect" with the songs this week, she got her wish. Didi's acting like somebody just ran over her foot.
Prognosis not great, actually. That was shaky and weird -- but maybe the right amount of cuteness and weirdness to bring out what we know about Didi that she hasn't shown yet. It was a great song choice for her, but I'm not really sure about the vocal. Ellen points out the missing lyrics, in sort of a cagey way, and says nothing real. Kara, whose shirt is made of a bunch of shiny housekeys or something, but -- yeah -- loves the emotional nature of the performance, and points out that her sweet voice and the weird drama of the song were a memorable combo. Didi agrees with Simon that she could have done better, and that she did a good job generally, and then she and Ryan joke around about how the Darkness of Siobhan is rubbing off on her. (Aww, I just remembered Katelyn Epperson exists. Now I'm sad again.)
But then Didi goes and does that same freaky thing again, where in response to an unrelated question she goes, "I would not have survived this long in LA if I wasn't..." And I guess the implication is that she chose this song to prove that she is a crazy bitch, which I still don't buy because she is adorable, which I guess does prove her point after all. Whatever she's playing, she's doing it close to the vest. You know that thing about how you don't write down what you can say out loud and you don't say out loud what you can say with a look? I think Didi has decided lots of things are secrets and is determined to live that way, but got lost somewhere between Steps Two and Three and, rather than saying anything, gives you just enough to get really intrigued and a little worried... But then giggles instead of making a weird look. You know?
Speaking of sketchy, Casey James. His mom looks like Lily Tomlin playing a Banger Sister, telling some kind of horrible story about how... Oh, mom... About how he was brain-damaged at the outset of his life. So... Huh. Run with it? Too soon? We'll see what Simon does with that info.
"It's All Over Now" was a Bobby Womack cover and the first Stones No. 1. I wonder if, being a 1964 jam, it will sound Elvissy/Beatlesy? Answer: Yes. It's repetitive and country-esque, with some pretty great guitar licks courtesy Casey, who does it as a straight up juke-joint kind of thing where the voice doesn't even matter. Well, it looks like he's having fun and that's what matters. For him. For me, I'm so done with him that I can't even manage to care. I think it is Bryan Adams that casts the spell on me and not Casey at all. Still, handy and accessible performance.
Ellen explains that she is a lesbian and is thus immune to his pheromones -- but that the song itself was great. Kara, and I agree with this as I do most things with her lately, points out that this was more of an Actual Rockstar thing instead of Pretending to be a Rockstar, and loved the improvisational feel. Simon calls it an audition performance, one guy onstage with a guitar, rather than an incredible Adam-type spectacle. "Just be a star," he says. I cannot imagine what that looks like in Casey's head. Ryan jokes with Ellen about how he's also a lesbian, or something, and they giggle about how fun the guitar was, and Casey clears his throat and makes weird sound effects, and he's done.
Fuckin' Lacey Brown. If they don't say the words "custody battle" in her intro package I will eat my hat, because there's always gonna be a custody battle. Or a battle with addiction. Or people being raised by random grandma. Or cosmetology school. People calling the cops. Lacey, let's do this: Trash Bingo, with your atrocious hair as the free spot in the middle. Her cute mom and hot dad are pastors of a guitar/drumset church -- check -- in Amarillo TX, check. Toddler glamour shot -- check -- holding a pink rose, check and check... And that's Bingo. I mean, it's not the class stuff I thought it was, but it's still a depressing array of straight-up Panhandle might as well be Oklahoma full-on down-home scary scary stuff.
"Ruby Tuesday." The most annoying of the Stones' catalogue. Of course. And I can already hear her singing it, in her off-brand Reba McIntyre way, before it's even begun. "Gud-bah, Rooooby Tchewsday..." Which, actually, Jagger sings like that too. Remember "Angie"? Who talks like that? It's not even talking, it's like mooing. Anyway, let's listen... And there it is, immediately. Cool strings intro, and then the baby voice and exaggerated accent and occasional glimpses of her actual voice under all the breathy whiny bullshit, even unto the soaring and quite lovely chorus -- until she remembers to be horrible and affected, and fuck with the phrasing in ways that are less inventive or annoying than they are just... Stupid.
There's no musical reason to prolong these notes and yip yourself to the end of phrases and do this kind of shit: You're just trying to be interesting. Which: Stop competing with your hair. And your awful earrings. And the four criss-crossing shirts of many patterns and only one sleeve, that you are once again wearing with a giant gross belt. Shirts are the easiest thing in the world to put on your body, I don't know why she continues to be so stymied by them. I mean, Lacey has many of the same problems as Jewel, less boobs more teeth, but jury-rigging your clothing shouldn't be one of them.
On the other hand, the accompaniment was brilliant -- cute little runs echoing her weird phrasing, the deepening drama of the strings as it went on -- and not for the first time. Ellen wonders why she didn't move around more, because it ended up sleepy; she gets defensive and smiley once again and dropping those "No, I'm really listening" Okay Bombs after every single sentence, like when your parents are yelling at you and you're like twelve and want them to know you're really paying attention -- or I guess, more to the point, like a temp on your nervous first day. "This is where the staplers are [okay] but don't take anything home [okay] and this where you eat lunch. [Okay.] Don't touch my Go-GURTs [okay]. "We're a pretty crazy bunch of loonies [okay] but we don't bite!" [Okay, okay.] "Don't let Jeannie talk to you about her dogs [okay] because it won't end there." Okay. Which, you know, Gokey always came off more defensive than he really was doing that same thing.
Kara asks her to give us her good voice [okay] instead of these weirdly rehearsed performances [okay]. And maybe that's what pisses me off so much, maybe it's just too much half-baked fakeness. She does bother me in the same way as Gokey singing "Dream On," which was like a good idea he could never, ever pull off, and Lacey seems more and more the same way. Actually, she reminds me of him in a lot of ways: The creepy reactions to authority stuff, the self-sabotaging need for approval, the general disbelief in her own fallibility, the lack of style, the basic dumbness... It's all there. Simon -- see? -- begs her to stop overthinking it [okay] and making it all so dramatic [okay] and weird [okay] because her voice is fine [okay].
And he's not wrong about her voice. And when we hear it, one of these days, I will be relieved to say so. Every week I'm more and more convinced that there's a really good voice in there. Which just makes her even worse, really.
Ryan sits in Randy's chair and this makes Randy very nervous and he keeps trying to break in and talk and whatever, and it's sad. Then we hear more about Andrew's tragic poor gangmember parents that gave him that neck tattoo, and how his crying musician dad always assumed he'd grow up to be a janitor. Oh, Dad. There's still time.
"Gimme Shelter." Excellent. Bring that voice out to play, please. It's a crazy arrangement that sounds like OMD or something at the beginning, it's fairly fun, and the song is the most dramatic song of all time, but... It's pitched too low for his voice, maybe because something is going to happen later. And I realize that he is really annoying to watch him sing his songs. Maybe now that he's balanced out his arrangement issues there's time to watch his silly moves and his fake faces. Still, the voice is workable, if flat a lot of the time, and there are some nice moments. He's definitely busted out of the box he put himself in before; just not sure we know where he's going with it.
Randy calls it "pitchy everywhere" and Ellen says it was his best performance yet. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, because he's been bad the past few weeks. Kara hates the fact that he just sang the song straight rock-style instead of playing on the total paranoia of the lyrics, which are about war and Nam and that. The reason is that he is a fairly dumb guy and would never have thought twice about that, but I don't think that excuse is forthcoming. Simon takes issue with this, and I think she's stretching here but not wrong about it, and then there's awkward silence for awhile. Simon says he gave it 100% but that he was probably better in rehearsals, and that he is probably screwed by all the weird feedback, but that hopefully he'll make it. I can agree with that too.
Wouldn't it be amazing if Katie was the best one tonight? She's the same age and general vibe as Keith and Jagger, but more professional. Ryan points out that being the young-old lady of the show must be hard this week, and she talks all crazy in that voice of hers about all kind of nutty stuff. I love how Katie gets the sitdown every single week, because I like knowing how her life is going and how she feels about everything, and I know Ryan does too. And again: The show wants her to succeed more than her grandmother does, and that's sweet. And creeeeeepy.
Cute pictures of her, cute pictures of her, she has always looked exactly this same way, and sang a duet of "From This Moment" at a wedding when she was eight, and it's adorable but not as adorable as watching Katie watch that performance. Everybody hugging, everybody kissing, the background music gets Owl City shivery for her, and then it's time for "Wild Horses." Because no amount of wild horses could drag her away from her stated goal, whatever it is.
And yes, that's how she sings it: As though she is very determined to destroy any person or thing, rending it limb from limb, that stands between herself and her dreams. She will bathe in the blood of obstacles and delight in the lamentations of the vanquished and gnaw at the cartilage of her own failings until they increase her power one hundred percent. It seems less like a romantic sentiment and more like a very chilling threat: "Wild horses couldn't tear me away, motherfucker. Now hand over my Dora the Explorer backpack or shit's gonna get real."
It's totally fabulous, it's Season Three all over again. I mean, how I imagine it. Little robot girls doing little robot things with little robot flowers behind their little robot ears. I just adore her. It was hard to lose Lilly and Lambchop -- and Katelyn, don't even talk to me about that -- but I think Katie's fairly awesome in another way. The way of this show, specifically. One man's Robot Baby is another man's Steely Focus, you know what I mean? Carrie Underwood is getting shit done, and it wasn't so long ago that she was doing just this stuff. It's my hope to be as innocent and lovely and deadly purposeful as Katie, one day.
Faced with that terrifying mess, what to say about the singing? It was mostly good. The Judgery say the same, because they're not allowed to criticize her without written approval from the network. Also because it might make Ryan upset, and then they'd have to sit down and have another chat. And I mean, I'm already convinced they're going to start chatting with her between each and every performance at some point, just to check in. So Tim Urban has five sisters and four brothers. That's ten times the boring for ya. He was kind of raised as a girl? So I guess that's why he has that body now. Dad calls music Tim's "gifting," which narrows down the sect a bit, and then Tim does "Under My Thumb" with a guitar, in the style of... 311? Huh.
Interesting. And not ineffective, even with the thin warbling of his voice, because his hair is way shiny and he shoots the eyeball lasers better every week. Also, this song has some fucked up lyrics, and Tim has chosen to break it down for us at the most upsetting part of the song, and doesn't seem to understand why it's weird, and then at the end he heads off into Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews scatty territory.
Whatever. What you have to understand about this show is that once we hit Top 12, artistry goes out the window. It's built into the show: This is when the shilling starts. This is why the DNC is so lame and pointless and the GOP is so dumb and vicious: Because marketing is the devil's work and you have to court your audience in their language, not yours. It takes an ass to fill every seat. So while I loved various people that had no shot -- and Siobhan, who cannot last -- and got very huffy last week, the truth is that this is not about art and it never was, so now we have to flip over and learn to love the Tims and Katies because they're the point of the show. Sanjaya and Haeley, or Adam and Crystal, these things are exciting but they're not the point.
Randy hated the weird version and uninteresting vocals, neither of which are the point of Tim. Ellen says it tasted like a piña colada weekend and that it was inoffensive in every way. Getting closer to Tim's deal here. Kara calls Ellen a "guy" for the second or third time, and congratulates him for going out on a limb. Simon says it was creative, but in a bad way, and that the song is shitty anyway, and that Stones fans who aren't as sophisticated as we are would probably hate it. Ryan's like, "What would the Stones think?" Tim says that, while Simon may have called it "crazy," he wanted to have fun and not be accused of being soundalike. Which is valid. He's the one I kept calling "well-spoken," correct? More of that here. I bet his girlfriends' moms get real scary real fast. How could you not MILF out on him?
Ryan does a bunch of Cougar Town Gay Traps on Lee DeWyze having to do with his old paint counter job -- those guys are always exactly this cute and exactly this gross, all across America -- like what color is Snugglepuss or Cupid's Arrow, and his adorable parents tell the story about how he would refuse to sing unless they made sure nobody was looking when he did it. That is so funny. Don't you get totally that? What a cute kid he was.
Ryan says Lee's nervous right now, singing "Beast Of Burden," and his voice is just fucking gorgeous. I can't say I love the version -- which is straight-up John Mayer, if lushly arranged -- but which that voice who cares. I'll look at him, I don't care. I'm watching you sing right now, Lee. Deal with it.
The other thing about Top 12 is that now we know them, so it is less fun when they go home. Even Lacey, that's gonna sting because she has the option of not sucking. Not that she's going anywhere, because if Bo Bice and Taylor Fucking Hicks taught us anything it's that her people will vote their asses off. But I can't think of anybody I'll be happy to see gone. Just a host of motherfucking Constantines this year. And everybody saying how bad the show is, but I don't honestly think so, in fact I sort of love it this year. Every year, it gets weirder and cooler and the choices get riskier and the judges elevate their dialectic every time, and it's great. It doesn't serve the original purpose of itself anymore, so the ratings are slipping and the bitching is growing, but honestly I find it much more engaging and interesting every single year. Three years from now maybe it'll be like this elder statesman where the point is excellence, like a Project Runway thing, and nobody will watch it but it will be so, so good.
Performance was: Dope. Ellen was confused by the interpretation -- likening it to a hospital gown that doesn't quite come together -- and Kara points out that his acceleration is faster than everybody else. They're all getting better, but he's getting better faster. I like that. Simon says he likes Lee, but his personality is subdued and his song choices are safe and forgettable, and that he needs once again to access his star power -- which "moment" is essential, because of his absolutely beautiful voice. Good Judgery. Lee explains to Ryan that he went to the rockout place immediately, but then rethought that and decided to actually be interesting, in this way differentiating himself from Casey James.
Oh, Paige and Aaron Kelly are the two other people. Well, shocker that I forgot them both, since I do that every time. I have to say, once Paige stopped dressing like a crazy old woman and started dressing like she's in Starfleet she got a lot less annoying. And I want to say that's on her, but I can see how that concept doesn't really reflect me accurately either.
And poor Aaron is already getting a wedgie from the universe and doesn't even know it, so what's to say there? Do the Stones have any songs about being super gay? Bowie would really come in handy here. Oh, duh. "When The Whip Comes Down." The song that proves that while our generation thinks we invented whateversexuals, and Ryan Seacrest is our reigning magnificent prince, it was always the British default. If Aaron Kelly sang that song I would call and vote for him. But I don't think he's there yet. And I probably wouldn't call anyway, because I want him off this show and back where he belongs: Learning fractions.
Quinn from Glee! I'm so glad everybody got on board with her, she's my favorite. So here's Paige, with super-sad dad traumas galore, and her sweet mom, and wild stage costumes and acting as she grew up. Paige is singing "Honky-Tonk Woman," which is a boring song but has a great opening -- who doesn't love cowbell? -- and will definitely service her voice. Hope she owns it. Wow, these lyrics are dirty. That's pretty awesome, I hadn't thought about that all night! Very grownup, all of this. Her voice sounds great, although there's not quite that beautiful melding with the backup singers (I was expecting something like "Alone" here), but it doesn't really matter: She's all over it. How great for her! And how great to hear a woman say all these sexist things backwards. "He blew my nose and then he blew my mind" is about the coolest thing to sing, when it's a woman singing. Great notes at the end, and a big finish, and we're good.
Randy thinks she didn't rock out enough, but liked it. Ellen loves her star quality, which I have to admit I didn't really believe until tonight, and then points out that she's having illness/vocal issues, which did the sexy-phlegm thing if it had any effect at all. Kara loved it and welcomes back the fun Paige. Paige admits to Simon that she has laryngitis, which is amazing but you can hear it when she speaks, which means she was pushing way harder than it looked, which didn't show at all. I'm very proud of her. Simon says she still needs a Moment, yeah, and then she admits to Ryan that this was basically her first performance of the song since she was saving her voice because of the laryngitis. That's... Really awesome. I'm going to have to be nicer.
Aaron Kelly: "My mom has been a really big influence in my life." Just don't say it on dates. They talk about how much he loves singing and music and show him in a variety of dorky cowboy hats, and his mom is adorable and he's adorable and engenders much hope and much Baby Crazy over here. He'll be singing "Angie," somewhat countrified, while sitting on the stairs. His voice is grittier and more grownup than usual, which might be a put-on but sounds fantastic either way. His moves are still awkward, but I gotta say this is one of the best vocals of the night. Was not expecting that whatsoever. I guess this surprisingly awesome episode is my payback for being such a raging incomprehensible bitch last week. Guess I'll have to do that more often? ...That can't be right.
Randy loves his tender moments, and gets Precious Moments dimples in return. Ellen points out that they have the same hair for the same reason, and says he and Siobhan are the best of the night. "So far." They keep saying so far, and the reason for that is that Crystal is the monster at the end of this book, and they can't undercut whatever beautiful, fresh hell she's going to unleash in a sec by saying Siobhan and Aaron are the very best. But they really are just the greatest, so there's been a lot of how great they are so far, which doesn't even bother me because I agree with the Judgery entirely this week, instead of just mostly.
Crystal, Siobhan, these things were expected: But Aaron rocking out? Come on. Even Simon loved that shit! I was afraid he'd eat him alive on principle. Frankly, I was afraid I was going to do the same. But instead, everybody's happy, and Ryan loves Aaron's makeover, and points out the girls screaming Aaron's name -- which they both have to even remember matters -- and then there's Crystal up on the balcony with this fierce look like, "America, you only thought this was the best episode of the season. Buckle up."
Grew up in rural Ohio, supportive dad driving her to gigs and carrying her speakers, having a ponytail and looking like a character actor. (Even as a baby she was wildly gay. I love that.) Dad's crying and being so super sweet, I can't even handle it. Meanwhile Crystal's crying about how much she loves playing the guitar and stuff. And she'll be singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want," with the organ in the back and entirely avid clapping along by the audience. I like when they put Crystal at the end because wherever she is it's like, "After all that, we deserve a break. Let's watch an entirely different show for a bit."
And surprise! It's effortless perfection. The other nice thing about having Crystal at the end is that she makes it look so hard for everybody else. I mean, imagine Casey following this shit. His eyes would cross worse than Channing Tatum. I don't even know what to say about it. Imagine that whole Joplin-Wilson-Heart canon coming out on rollerskates, funny breakdowns and improvs and all that. Go watch it if you haven't seen it. She really is just such a fucking pro, I don't have the skills to talk about it.
Judgery all says the same thing: Way fun, finally relaxed onstage, gave us a smile or two instead. She admits when they get to Simon that she has been faking it and maybe overthinking it a little bit, worrying about it too much. Simon says that yes, she is the favorite, but then randomly because of the song she picked, Siobhan actually beat her. He describes this, properly, as an unthinkable thing -- that anybody should beat her at this, any given week -- and her genius ass spins on a dime, immediately telling him/us in no uncertain terms that A) Siobhan was amazing tonight and B) Fuck her if she ever started thinking it was in the bag but C) Simon's awesome for even saying that. Class! She is wonderful. That's every base, covered in about two seconds. So great. Simon winks at her luxuriously, Ryan can't wait to get up on her area and point out that she's wearing a peacock feather in her hair to say hey to Lilly -- well, awful styling was the main thing they shared, from where I'm sitting -- and I must say, even that isn't annoying. I'm sure Lilly's fine. I'm so conflicted, which is great because I don't ever, ever have to think about her again. And we've still got Lacey to kick around.
So: Big Mike jumped around and wheezed but was good, Didi tried to act broken but got interference from how hot she is, Casey is still a truckdriver on speed no matter what he's doing, Lacey is a fucking travesty on every level while Andrew still has no fucking clue what's even going on, Katie is really good at being Katie while Tim is also really good at being Katie, Siobhan won the night, Lee and Aaron's voices never sounded better, Paige has finally figured herself out, and... Crystal was Crystal some more. Whoever's going home, I think it's in the first half, because that was some weak shit. Then you have Katie and Tim, who are the Archuletas, and Lee and Aaron who are the sleepers, and then Siobhan and Crystal who will be splitting votes more than ever now. I'd save Didi, but that's the only thing I'm worried about. Everybody else is cleared to go. See you tonight.
Read what the last four eliminees had to say about their evictions.
Is Simon deliberately sabotaging Idol?