Man, I was out of my mind last night. Hope you enjoyed it, or at least could follow it. I still think it was the worst thing in the world but I can't really believe I actually used the word "whore" that many times. One crazy lady made a list of all the dirty sex words I used -- including such disgusting terms as "gay" and "ovaries" -- but I question the validity of her list considering she left out the entire threeway with Seann William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Well, I guess you could make a case for that being less "disgusting" and more "totally awesome." Either way, it's always good to start your day with a laugh.
So two boys and two girls, and then also Matt Giraud and Scott McIntyre will do a duet. That sounds excellent, actually. Simon's in fine fettle, tickling Kara and having fun with everybody, and then Ryan tells Simon that he was wonderful last night. Neat. Then there's a picture of Randy's head superimposed over Bikini Kill's body, which is not as erotic as it sounds. Then the boys start some annoying Bublé song that sounds like the theme song of Welcome Back, Kotter, and Todrick/Andrew are particularly awkward. Katelyn and Paige -- the two most endangered -- sound really good in their lipsynched harmonies, which is sort of sad in a way. This song really is like the theme song of a sitcom that never existed and at the end of the credits, freeze-frame of Larry Appleton shrugging like, "Whatcha gonna do?"
It is also a very, very long song with many key changes, and Lacey rubbing herself on Lambchop, and Crystal and Big Mike being affectionate with each other, and Todrick reinventing the concept of gay dancing with Paige. Did you know Aaron Kelly is still here? That blows my mind every single time: Boom! Aaron Kelly! Deal with it!
There's something new and cool about the way they do the eliminations this year but I don't remember The Beforetimes well enough to know what it is. Oh, and the first theme of our Top 12 will be the Rolling Stones. That's going to be awesome. I could stand to hear Lacey murder some Stones for sure.
Didi's first up, smiling and cute as always but clearly nervous. She hides it well. They discuss how she has slowly crashed and burned ever since Hollywood, but leave out the wonderful happy ending where she was totally awesome this week. Randy tells her that she needs to be more consistently dope. Words to live by. And she's in! That's so great. She heads over to the stools; sometimes she is a cat in the dark and other times she is the darkness. Siobhan, similarly.
Is Siobhan comfortable on the stage? She's like, "I'm weird pretty much everywhere, so it's not a huge issue." Ellen asks her to stay as awesome as she has always been, and the bedraggled feathers in her hair wave softly in the studio air, and she is safe! There is such a great sequence to this. Like of course nobody knows what the point of Didi or Siobhan is about, so let's make sure they're not hanging around being endangered.
Katelyn and Paige meet Ryan on the Seal together, Paige looks scared but confident while Katelyn looks absolutely destroyed already. Simon says Paige isn't pulling it together, but on the other hand Katelyn's only had one good week and really sucked this time. So the most potential overall would go to Paige. I can agree with that. Then Paige is safe, and Katelyn is dunzo. As expected. Ryan's like, "Are any of us surprised? Katelyn, are you even here right now?" Katelyn is like, "Not really, Ryan."
Then she sings the Carole King song in her cute bowling shoes and black dress, and sounds moderately better than she did on Tuesday, but still not good enough to justify my huge love for her or her presence on this show. Meanwhile Angela Martin is being chased through Detroit by a pack of wolves and wondering if she's going to be struck by lightning today.
Boys, back row: Tim, Todrick, Lee and Casey. Tim is going to get messed with but is I'm sure safe, Lee and Casey are going to be called out for sucking but their ongoing talent, and Todrick is going home. That's my prediction. Ryan runs through their little boxes where they live and reminds them of their various missteps. We're reminded that Tim is adorable, Todrick is inscrutable, Lee has the best voice of all of them, and Casey is a butterface who stripped for Kara. He's safe, his adorable grandmother claps like Paula Abdul, and then foregone hottie conclusion Tim goes through without fanfare.
So between Todrick and Lee, which one is going through? Duh. Why is this even a conversation? Todrick's lack of consistency has been verging on passive-aggressive, while Lee can't help but take their Judgery's advice, and he's through. Then Todrick sings the Queen song again, and it's altogether smoother and more lovely than last night -- but not before delivering an entire speech about his entire life that, as usual, manages to be both obnoxious and stultifying. He's like the DMV That Walked Like A Man.
Katie Stevens stares and attempts to figure out what feeling she's supposed to be feeling, and settles on either "murderous ennui" or "cuteness fugue." The tiny homunculus goblin that perches in her braincase and operates her body through the use of many cunning levers is like, "Just sway back and forth and don't make any expressions at all." It's a look that works for her.
Ryan is absolutely floored by Todrick's performance, and asks the Judges to retroactively change America's votes, but they cannot. The girls on the balcony start crying, and Katie's goblin is like, "Shoot for tears. Wait, that's creepy and unreal, never mind. Just stand there."
Andrew, will you ever get the eff out of here? Lambchop is not going anywhere, Big Mike is not going anywhere... But first, Scott and Giraud do a dueling-pianos version of "Tell Her About It." Matt is looking fine as hell. Has he filled out? They do a really good job of the cover and their voices are quite pleasing together. Matt's range in particular has greatly improved. Scott looks exactly the same as ever. Well, maybe slightly crazier. But his voice is not as good as I remember. It's sort of horrible in a lot of ways, actually. Did we have a trick played on us last year? I mean, of course we did, but was he always this flat and unrehearsed-sounding? Well, either way: Pianos and leather jackets is so fetch right now. Very cool little performance. We talk about Scott's new album ("Heartstrings," 100% original-songs LP with such a difficult title) and Matt did something or something. He said the word "jazz" and I... Not even his jazz hands when he said it made that word easier to hear.
Big Mike is back to being totally appealing, and we talk about how Kara's womb cried out to have a baby and she reached for him through her tear ducts and none of it was about music and everything about was how babies are magic. Of course, he goes through ("Do you think you can fit on one stool?" Ryan asks) and his wife is super cute up in the Red Room.
up, Lacey and her mean dumb face and her stupid pointless unending answers to the stupid pointless softball questions Ryan hands her. She says that her lack of a personality and the fact that she sings in five different weird voices is not her problem but ours for being challenged by it, and she's safe. Grody. Paige immediately hugs her and they're happy.
Then comes Aaron Kelly, about whom Ryan cares deeply as a person but not one whit as a marketable product, and then Aaron talks and talks and Ryan tries desperately to get him to form a sentence. No dice. Awkward laughter, and then he's SAFE. That is a mess.
So we're down to Andrew and Lilly, who both need to go right home, and then Lambchop and Katie, who are the same girl. We revisit Lambchop's banana mythos and we remember what a fucking disappointment Andrew has been for weeks now. Simon agrees with Ryan that maybe Andrew peaked too soon, prodigious talent or not. There's a long tense wait, and Lambchop goes home. That sucks. Andrew also sucks, and I think they both know it, and Alex is sort of destroyed. Like a little kid with a mullet who was promised Christmas but instead was slapped in the face. Siobhan loses it, which is hard to watch, and then even harder is Alex, mumbling exactly precisely like
">Matt Saracen and tries not to cry, and I try not to cry, and we both fail at that one.I think I have to bleep-bloop this, actually, because it's just too sad to watch. Good old Alex, and good old everybody singing along with his wonderful strange self, and the whole of the Idols crying and feeling like they are dying inside. Especially Tim Urban, who knows he's just the hotter version of Alex anyway and doesn't deserve to be here over him. I'm bummed out! I think Ryan is a little upset also. It keeps going and going, with tears and many different hug configurations, and Ryan standing around the outside of the circle feeling terrible about this on everybody's behalf. Ugh, this is worse than with Haeley! What has this show done to me?
Coming back, Ryan has to sort out the entire sadness lovefest onstage so he can do Lilly/Katie, he's got Ellen up there, they all scatter and he talks us through it, and then segues into the last spot. I love watching him work so much. He's like, "That was the most fucking intense thing that's ever happened and it lasted through the entire commercial break so let's all work together to keep going, please." So sad.
Kara loved both Katie and Lilly, and can't believe this weird matchup: One artist, Lilly, and one little baby child, Katie in her strange dress. Kara thinks this isn't totally arbitrary and thus has a meaning, but it doesn't really. Any two people, one of whom is going home and one who isn't, could be standing there. It's Top 12, so really it could be a guy up there and it would be just as relevant. Anyway, whatever. Very Jackson of you.
But then KATIE is safe and LILLY is gone. And while part of me wants to do backflips at this, it's not a part I'm very proud of, because honestly in what world does this make any sense? That is so stupid. I mean, I get it, and I'm guilty of the same thing as America, but when it comes down to the very talented Lilly and the very in-the-weeds Katie, it just couldn't seem more clear-cut. On the other hand, no more Lilly. Ever.
The rest of the crowd is just horrified, Katelyn is spitting nails, Katie is having a mental breakdown, Todrick is bitter and hateful about it. It's like they're all just figuring out that this is a game show for toddlers in makeup, and not something legit. Then Lilly gives a totally fucking obnoxious speech about how "a lot of great talent" is going home tonight, namely her, and that America can suck a wang because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Stay classy, Lilly!
Then she sings Patsy Cline like she's covering awful Lacey. Which brings to mind the fact that Lacey got through over Lilly. I never wanted that to happen! How horrible! I thought it was so obvious, but it wasn't. Lilly just wasn't trashy enough, I guess.
Man, this episode was a bloodbath. I am so unhappy about this latest thing. I can't say I will "miss" Lilly or Todrick, but the secret meritocrat in me is really pissed that they're going. Like, equal to the sadness I feel about my beloved Katelyn and Lambchop, I think it's just absolutely stupid as hell that Lilly and Todrick are leaving, while thingbots like Paige and Katie and even Tim are sticking around. Hopefully this will guilt them into becoming people, but I wouldn't count on it. As long as we've got Crystal, though, we'll be okay. Don't you think?
Is Simon deliberately sabotaging Idol?