Ryan nearly misses his mark coming in -- or at least his smile does, meaning the big zoom-in ends up alighting on his forehead instead. He spends very little time on the stage before coming around to the judges' table, bragging about the 25 million votes last night and the upcoming performances by Casey James and Carrie Underwood later tonight. But first, they apparently bought the rights to the whole Queen back catalogue in bulk this week, so the top seven has to sing "Somebody to Love." Which is notable mainly for the fact that Lazaro is given the line "I got no rhythm, I just keep losing my beat." He didn't forget that lyric, did he? That must be what Keith means when he's always talking about needing to feel the words.
Coming back, the camera picks out Mindy Kaling in the audience right after a promo of her show, coincidentally. And then we go into this week's Ford Fiesta Mission, which they're not even bothering to try to make seem altruistic this week; they're just going to a photo shoot where they supposedly get all dressed up and made up and coiffed like their musical influences, and then lean on a car. Nobody looks anything like who they're supposed to look like, so it's kind of a bust. Hopefully I can make it up to you by sharing a fun fact I recently discovered: the name of any Ford model can be instantly improved by adding the word "Anal" in front of it. Fiesta, Focus, Probe, Expedition, Escape, et cetera. You're welcome.
Ryan cues up the Jimmy-reel, in which he says he was baffled by last night. His point is that most of this year's singers are either R&B or country, so he's wondering why they were saddled with the rock theme? No, he's wondering why they couldn't do a genre that is also based on R&B and country. But then he answers his own question: most people chose the wrong song. He says Burnell gave rock a bad name, being in a totally different time zone from the band on his Bon Jovi cover, and thus is probably doomed to the bottom two. He hated Angie and Lazaro's Queen duet, saying Freddie Mercury would never write a song the way they sang it. What, with long blank stretches?
He says Kree picked the right song, and pulled it off despite her pinched nerve. He agrees with everyone that Candice totally blew away the adequate Burnell during their duet of "The Letter," and thinks Janelle might have done better with a Bob Seger or John Fogerty joint rather than the Billy Joel tune she did perform, ranking her fourth for the night. He declares Lazaro's performance "reasonable" and figures he won't do to well in the vote. As for the trio of Janelle, Amber and Kree, the only part he liked was Amber's jeans. He didn't think "Satisfaction" had the melody that Candice needed to show off her chops, and says Amber is improving every week -- enough to get into the top three this week. He also liked Angie's performance, even if it was a duet (or maybe a duel) with the wind machine, but thinks she needs to get out of her head more when she's performing. He predicts, clearly under duress, that the top three will be Angie, Amber and Kree, with Candice now taking what he originally said was Janelle's fourth-place spot, and figures Lazaro will be going home. But, of course, what should happen and what does happen are often two different things.
There's a montage of Casey James from the ninth season, which makes this the first time I've ever seen him in my life. He takes the stage with his band to perform his own bland, middle-of-the-road country song, "The Good Life." I suspect I may now never see him again. After he finishes, Ryan comes out and chats with him about his history of shirtlessness on the show and invites him to give the top seven some gifts Casey picked up for them all. Unfortunately, he's going to have to be Santa during the commercials.
This week, we're messing with more ways to stretch out results, at which point we find out that Jimmy wasn't the only one pressed to name his top three from last night; the judges were, as well. Keith also picked Angie, Amber and Kree, as did Nicki, who thought she was revealing that information in confidence until it popped up on the giant projection screen. Randy has the same top three, though in a different order, and Mariah ends up being the outlier by having very reluctantly named Kree, Amber and Candice. But you know, this was really hard for all of the judges because everyone's so damn wonderful. Doesn't Ryan have to reveal his own top three? Oh, right... nobody cares.
With that padding behind us, Ryan gets started revealing the actual top three, in no particular order: Kree, Angie, and... Lazaro? What el fuck?
After the ads, the top three have returned to the bleacher-couches so they can all surround Ryan while he introduces Carrie Underwood. The editors don't have to spend a lot of time establishing her legitimacy like they did with that other guy whose name I've already forgotten, just showing her with her millions of Grammys and number one singles, and then Ryan introduces her to sing her new single, "See You Again," which is the kind of overblown country power ballad that's destined to inexorably become her million-and-first hit. Nice of her to keep coming back here, though, isn't it? Especially when it's only top-seven week. Not that she's done a lot with her hair for the occasion; she's rocking a mom-cut that looks like she was dragged through a hedge backwards. She gets a standing ovation from the contestants and three of the judges (guess which three), and then she and Ryan suck up to each other a bit before Ryan throws it to the ads. Seriously, though, Lazaro?
When we come back, the top three -- Kree, Angie and freaking Lazaro, lest you've forgotten -- are over at the winner-stools at stage right while the other four await further results. Candice is also safe, and Ryan gingerly guides her and her broken toe across the stage. Janelle, Amber and Burnell are still waiting, and it turns out Amber is safe as well, leaving a bottom two made up of Burnell and Janelle. This is the worst night the women have had since Zoanette left. Ryan calls them to center stage and asks for Nicki's reaction to the bottom two. She basically talks about Burnell in the past tense, but says no matter who goes home tonight it's still a win for them. Whereas we've already missed our shot at a win for us.
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By M. Giant
With that padding behind us, Ryan gets started revealing the actual top three, in no particular order: Kree, Angie, and... Lazaro? What el fuck?
After the ads, the top three have returned to the bleacher-couches so they can all surround Ryan while he introduces Carrie Underwood. The editors don't have to spend a lot of time establishing her legitimacy like they did with that other guy whose name I've already forgotten, just showing her with her millions of Grammys and number one singles, and then Ryan introduces her to sing her new single, "See You Again," which is the kind of overblown country power ballad that's destined to inexorably become her million-and-first hit. Nice of her to keep coming back here, though, isn't it? Especially when it's only top-seven week. Not that she's done a lot with her hair for the occasion; she's rocking a mom-cut that looks like she was dragged through a hedge backwards. She gets a standing ovation from the contestants and three of the judges (guess which three), and then she and Ryan suck up to each other a bit before Ryan throws it to the ads. Seriously, though, Lazaro?
When we come back, the top three -- Kree, Angie and freaking Lazaro, lest you've forgotten -- are over at the winner-stools at stage right while the other four await further results. Candice is also safe, and Ryan gingerly guides her and her broken toe across the stage. Janelle, Amber and Burnell are still waiting, and it turns out Amber is safe as well, leaving a bottom two made up of Burnell and Janelle. This is the worst night the women have had since Zoanette left. Ryan calls them to center stage and asks for Nicki's reaction to the bottom two. She basically talks about Burnell in the past tense, but says no matter who goes home tonight it's still a win for them. Whereas we've already missed our shot at a win for us.
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By M. Giant
They have to stand there to Ryan not only all through the break, but through a lengthy session of Mariah-babbling designed to buck up whichever one of them is about to leave. Kieran dims the lights and last night's lowest vote-getter ended up being... Burnell. Janelle tells him he's going to kill it before going to join the others at stage right, and he goes into his song for the save, "I Am Ready for Love" by India.Arie. There are some tearful faces in the house -- Candice's and Mariah's among them, and Lazaro is lip-syncing along to the performance. This song he knows? Burnell finishes up singing the last line to the likely top six, and gets a unanimous standing ovation from the judges. But not a unanimous save so he is gone. There's the clip of Burnell's greatest moments, starting with the first time he made Mariah cry back at the initial auditions when he was heavier and more sloppily dressed. Of course, Ryan remarks on that and cuts him from the herd to take a final bow. Enjoy your last week on the show, Lazaro. Whenever that ends up being.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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