By Joe R
Tuesday
The theme this week is both "the music of Queen" and "I change my mind, I want to do this Queen song instead."
Bucky sings the frankly excellent "Fat Bottomed Girls" in his usual manner, which if you're me means wholly underwhelming vocally. It's a great song, though, so just by virtue of not fucking it up, Bucky's at least middle of the pack right out the gate. When Ace tries to Daughtry up "We Will Rock You," he gets utterly shot down by the surviving members of Queen, which is awesome. The performance is not awesome. The performance is HORRIFYING. At least, the parts of it I watched before I pulled a pillow up in front of my face in self-defense. Kellie is dressed up like Constantine dressed up as Kellie, which is appropriate considering she's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." I think a goose walked over my grave right then. Then something very strange happens, where Kellie's performance goes through the several dozen filters in my eyes, ears, and brain, and the result is I think she rocked it. I think I want her to win? I think I want her to win! The judges acknowledge the utter stupidity of her choosing that song in the first place but are all amazed to say she was fantastic. Oh, and it might interest you to know that Kellie isn't so much interested in printable recaps from this site because she doesn't have the first clue what paper even is. Chris goes über-Nadia on the song choice, opting for the b-side rarity import vinyl single "Innuendo." It's actually pretty boring for a hard-ass rock song, but it's Chris, which means it's super-well-sung and wildly over-produced. The judges geek the heck out for him, though Simon seems to be slowly losing patience with his song selection.
Katharine wants to sing "Don't Stop Me Now" and the rehearsals look totally hot and she makes me happy to just look at her, but then she changes her mind because why waste the chance to totally steal Mandisa's song? Diabolical, girl, I love it. The performance? I can't even get into it right now except to say that it is what "very fucking hot" will look like in a thousand years when aliens land and show us how it's truly done. Seriously, that was like watching a science fiction film. And the authorities say Jacob named ME as the person who has to go through his apartment and hide the unmentionables before his parents show up, because he claims to have died. I should probably mention here that all episode Fantasia Barrino's head just hovers over Paula Abdul's shoulder, and I mean that literally, not as a commentary on Paula's mental state.
I can't deal with Elliott, and you all know that. He's great! What a voice! Don't care. Sorry. "Somebody to Love" is a great song, though, so it could have been much less interesting. I have no idea who is safe or not this week, by the way. I'm so fucked in the office pool. Taylor jettisons the gimmicky yet serene "We Are the Champions" for "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which no one has been able to sing on this show without looking like a total asshole. Check it! The streak is alive! It's like there's a rhinoceros loose in the studio. Nobody is safe, not the judges, not the band, not the audience, and certainly not the mic stand, which takes a Jared-Leto-in-Fight Club beating. I don't even know if there was singing involved, because Taylor scares the hell out of me. Parisâ¦okay, apparently after Alias goes off the air Paris will be taking over for CIA super-spy Sydney Bristow, if tonight's outfit was any indication. There is no Huxtable in Brooklyn to compare to what our girl looks like tonight. She sings "The Show Must Go On," and while the song is probably too big for her vocally, she came to Work It Out again, and you know that's where I love for Paris to be. Bounce! Bounce! Seeeng! Be the Fantasia you see before you! She was super-cool. Simon doesn't get it, and I kind of didn't get it, but boy howdy Jacob got it, so I'll be going to him for help in the recap, that's for sure.
Dudes, Queen week was awesome! Tomorrow: results. If anyone but Ace goes home, it will suck and be grossly unfair.
Wednesday
Do you like filler and drawn-out messages from home? I sure hope you do, because this was a solid hour of it. The final group of eight sing a Queen medley that is shoved into the bottom left corner of your screen so you can once again watch highlights of the season so far. It's utterly pointless and frustrating, because the only fun to be had in the group sing is how they're all elbowing each other out of the frame and we can barely see that shit. Damn, show. I've had enough Rhonetta Johnson to last a lifetime. Also, my streak of getting all the worst pimp-mercials continues unbroken as this week's theme is both golf and Ace wearing some hideous pink sweater vest thing last seen on Carlton Banks. Ryan does manage to score some biting social commentary off the last one, though.
Thenâ¦the parents. Oy. Everybody's proud, and half the participants weep openly, to the point where a Kellie-appointed "snot rag" gets disgustingly passed around. Ryan, as you might expect, is offended to his metro core. Taylor gets a message from his band who, in their own words, don't know what the hell Taylor's ever talking about until months after the fact. Katharine's awful mother is nicely complemented by her pretty cool father, who sheds a few tears as he talks about how proud he is. Chris's family is about a bajillion times more Bucky than he is, making him the hot diamond in the family rough. Kellie's Grandpappy and little brother are effing adorable, and while I may or may not have been wiping away the tiniest tear (you'll NEVER KNOW), Kellie is positively reserved in comparison. Paris would have dehydrated herself on such an occasion, but we'll get to that. Elliott's family and friends give us the rundown of his Boy in the Plastic Bubble list of physical ailments. His mom is wicked cool. Elliott's in the bottom three, though, and they make him sing before they move on, because everyone involved with this show is a jerk.
If you thought Ace's Jared Leto brother was awful, rest easy in the knowledge that there's another, much worse Young brother. Ace is also in the bottom three, and is about three minutes away from going Falling Down on this whole show. He also has to sing and it's slightly better than you remembered it, but not much. Bucky's dad fills us in on the root of his son's Cali hatred, and I am not being a smart-mouthed Yankee elitist when I say that it is NASCAR. Paris's family of famous singers tell us that their girl not too long ago had dreams of performing your pap smear. It's not the most sentimental of video packages, but Paris is -- have you heard? -- a crier, so she weeps. Of the two of them, it's Bucky who is in the bottom three, meaning good things for your current recapper and bad things for my partner in crime. As Elliott and Bucky fight over who can comfort Ace's exposed biceps more, Ryan reads the results: bye, Bucky! Like I said yesterday, anyone but Ace is a bullshit result, but I won't insult you by saying I wasn't a little happy about Bucky being gone.
week: Rod Stewart, the Great American Songbook, and Jacob.
Tuesday
Didn't Ryan Seacrest used to wear t-shirts with funny sayings on them before? He's been so formally dressed this season. He's all put together like he's attending a wedding. So Fantasia is in the audience tonight, which isn't quite as fun as when she shows up and performs. Ryan promises "something for everyone" tonight, whether you prefer "the rock" or "the ballads." At this point in the season, I prefer anything other than "the suck" that's been the dominant trend these last several weeks. We're introduced to the judges, a what-upping Randy Jackson, a lobotomized Paula Abdul, and a turning-slowly-left Simon Cowell. Work it, girl. Ryan kicks us to a video package for Queen, the band whose songs will be under siege tonight. And right away we're presented with my initial problem with doing Queen songs. Over the repetitive percussion of "We Will Rock You," Ryan explains that if you've ever so much as stepped into a sports arena, you've heard the music of Queen. And...exactly. So many of Queen's songs have ceased to even be songs anymore. Is "We Will Rock You" any more of a song than "You Make Me Wanna Shout"? "We Are the Champions" is another sporting anthem. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a Wayne's World punch line. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" was driven to parody by this very show. Add to that the fact that Freddie Mercury's voice is such a high hurdle, how are these eight kids supposed to find any way to impress us this week? The answer, it turns out, is to go utterly crazy. Hey, whatever works. Ryan's got the whole Biography voice-over happening on the History of Queen, which sickeningly includes clips from Constantine's "Bohemian Rhapsody" performance last year, as an example of the ways in which the band has managed to stay in the public eye. That's gross, and stop making me remember Constantine.
We see the Idols meet Queen during the band's rehearsal, in what is essentially a retread of last week's footage. Ace unveils his tactic of trying to blind us (or, I guess, "render us deaf" would be more appropriate) with his biceps. Um. I could think of worse strategies. Everybody is shown banging their heads, and Queen at least pretends to be happy to have them there. Back onstage, Ryan tells us that the "groundbreaking" video for "Bohemian Rhapsody" was directed by American Idol's own director Bruce Gowers. We cut to Bruce in the directing room, and it's like at the Emmys when the guy directing the Emmys has been nominated for directing the Emmys. A shot of you watching TV watching you watching TV watching you watching TV. It's weird and distracting and the director still has to direct, so he's shooting out all this gibberish that no one but Ryan understands, because English is his second language and he was raised to speak production booth. There's some weirdness where Ryan's snapping (girrrrrrl!) and the camera doesn't know where to cut to, because all of a sudden Ryan's the director and Gowers is onscreen. I guarantee you so many production workers went home with "You would not believe the day I had" stories to tell. Ryan sends us to Bucky's video package, where he deems the members of Queen worthy of hanging out with him at a bar back home. (The surviving members of Queen: "Uh...pass.") The Queen guys are awesome -- and it's here that I should mention that I only know the one guy with the curly hair, Brian May, by name, so when I say "the guys from Queen" it could mean any or all of them -- with the faintest of praise for Bucky. He's "all right" and started rocking "at the end there." May says Bucky's got a "good attitude." Great personality, too. Ouch. Bucky will be singing "Fat Bottomed Girls," which may be my favorite Queen song not prominently featuring David Bowie. I'm not being a jerk when I say that I am so very, very sad that Mandisa never got a chance to perform this song. Not because it would have been funny, but because I really feel that if she took hold of that song and shoved it right back in our faces and just worked it out, she'd have bought herself another three weeks just out of viewer shame. Hell, I certainly would have forgotten that she hates my faggotty ass.
Here's weirdness: Ryan is standing to the judges' table getting ready to call Bucky to the stage, his right hand on the desk by Simon. So as he intros Bucky, Simon reaches his fist over and kind of bops Ryan on the hand lightly. The well has officially run dry on my ability to talk about how Ryan and Simon are boyfriends who love/hate/love each other, even though it's a fascinating subject, because I no longer think it's fake, or if it is fake, it comes from a very real place, at least for Ryan. But that gesture right there? That was an actual gesture of romantic love from one wizened old partner to another. It's the weirdest thing. I mean, obviously Simon and Ryan made up since last week, that much is clear. But that gesture may have just swayed me into a snark-free "actual boyfriends" territory. They need to be studied, extensively.
Bucky's back with the bow-legged rickets thing, and he's also standing kind of Matrix-y, an effect only enhanced by the leather jacket. I already said I love this song, so that's not the problem here. The problem is that Bucky's voice never, ever brings anything to the table for me. Obviously he's not going to be as powerful as Freddie Mercury, but it still sounds like he's pussing out of even trying. I will always agree with Simon when he calls Bucky a bar singer, because it's that kind of "I've got a longneck with my name on it once I'm done" vocal laziness that I get from Bucky every week. His stage presence has a lot of "go through the motions" to it as well. It makes it hard to get into the performance. I will be no doubt be comparing everyone this week to Paris, because...well, we'll get to that. But that girl throws her entire body into her performances, whereas Bucky just sort of glides. "Real Good Man" being the one possible exception. He bores the shit out of me, and if this wasn't a song I already dug, I'd have checked out minutes ago. Randy says he liked the energy (oh for Pete's…) and while there were "pitchy problems," he liked it. Paula likes how Bucky's able to make the song sound country, even though I don't think it did much. Simon, ever my saving grace when it comes to Bucky, says the song was bigger than him, which is fucking true. Overall, says Simon, the performance was "quite mediocre." Watching it live and not knowing how amazing some of the performances were going to be, I figured "mediocre" would hold Bucky over okay this week. Bad assumption. Ryan, because he and Simon are still basking in the afterglow, merely tosses in a "same old, same old" remark to Bucky re: Simon. I much prefer that kind of offhanded resignation to his tiresome trend this season of trying to shame Simon into being a nice guy. Ryan asks for Bucky's thoughts and gets a Boomhauer response about dang-ol' Freddie Mercury or something or other. Ryan looks flummoxed as hell and says, "You can say that again." So Bucky repeats the last thing he said ("Garble, garble, biscuits 'n' gravy"?), because he's easily the biggest dork remaining on the show. Coming up , promises Ryan, are Ace and Kellie. I had gotten word earlier on Tuesday that Ace would be singing "We Will Rock You" and Kellie would be singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." And I laughed and laughed. I think my exact words were, "Thanks, God!" Ryan and Ace are sitting by the omnipresent red cola monitors, and I'm more and more put off by Ace's hair every week. It's just too Penny Lane for my liking. Pair that with the so-very-vacant smile? Not working. Ryan asks about the "intensity" ratcheting up week after week, and Ace takes a thousand hours to manage "It's...more and more intense each week. It's ridiculous." He's just not pretty enough to be this boring. I'm sorry. He is an attractive man, but there is absolutely nothing going on there at all. I feel sorry for him that he missed the glory days of Timberlake, because guys like him were so very needed, but the reality is that it's 2006 and we're not looking for empty smiles and puppy-dog eyes. We're looking for small-town orphans with dangerously low IQs, dammit! Then Ace goes all Paula for a moment, about how you don't just hear Freddie Mercury's voice, you feel it, and "it's my turn, I've been feeling for a week and now it's my turn to give it." And thus it was proven that crazy can be transmitted through lustful glances.
The video clip shows sleeveless Ace charming it up with Queen. He interviews that he wanted to put his own "flavor" on the song, but we quickly see that Queen isn't having any of that. I don't think it's faked up for the camera, either, when we see Brian May tell Ace flat-out, "I don't think we're going to do your arrangement." That's awesome in several ways. 1) Like "We Will Rock You" is so sacred anyway that Brian May needs to protect it from the harm of a boy band arrangement. 2) Even still, May's like "fuck that, you want us on your show, there are some things we're not going to do." 3) The look on Ace's face is still so painfully full of "love me?" May, king of the backhanded compliment apparently, tells us that Ace is cool because he's very flexible and open to discussion, so when you tell him he can take his ghetto-lite beat and shove it, he'll totally cave. This is why, when you try and cannibalize a classic song, you make sure the artist is dead, Ace. Then: Ace starts to perform. He wants us to stomp and clap in time, which is the universal rule of this song. Stomp-stomp-CLAP! Stomp-stomp-CLAP! He's actually not as nasal as you might have feared, but he's still Nermal, so him telling us he's going to kick our can all over the place? Is adorable. The singing, however, is awful. Worst song choice I've heard this season. He tries to trick it up as best he can, with a little playful Timberlake and some truly ill-advised falsetto at the end. He hits a Jesus pose, he carries the mic stand around the stage, it's truly the funniest thing I've ever seen. Oh no! Ace is gonna rock us! It's true, because he has leather pants and he's wielding the mic stand like a weapon! Every week all I can do is laugh at him. He's like Amazing RaceLake. Ace's brother is in leather-clad solidarity, fiercely whooping it up in the crowd and giving the illusion that the Young brothers are not to be fucked with. They will put you back into your place! They will ROCK YOU! As if reading my mind, the camera then cuts to Micky Dolenz of The Monkees fame. That's the most perfect edit I've ever seen, and it could have only been topped if it had been, like, Pat Boone dressed up like when he did that album of Metallica covers. Randy says he "was worried" and it seems like he's building to a compliment, but the verdict is a five out of ten. Jared Leto-Young in the audience is going to fuck Randy up, you can tell. Paula is all over the map like she's Southwest Airlines. Follow the green line as she talks about Queen not wanting its music "bastardized." Follow the red line as she says she liked the "tribute" Ace paid. Follow the blue line as she praises how he switched it up in the middle. And follow the brown line into oblivion when she says Ace "knows what time it is" in this competition. That'd make one of you, lady. There is, naturally, an "Ace: Will you go to the prom with me?" sign in the audience. I seriously hope that girl has been turning down viable offers, holding out for Ace. He's going to see my sign and it's going to happen, okay? I used two different color markers!
Simon says Randy was being generous, and that it was a "complete and utter mess." Paula tries to downplay, but Randy's like, "Actually, yeah. He's right." Awesome. "I really, really, really hated that," is Simon's final analysis. Ace thanks him, because what else can he do? Ryan is once again conspicuously inconspicuous as he makes it to center stage without upbraiding Simon. Somebody got flowers, I'm thinking. He does give Ace a chance to redeem himself, and Ace goes the Guarini route, asking the audience if they "had fun." Shit, dude, I had fun. Doesn't mean it wasn't horrible. He thinks he rocked it and he dodges the Queen question with yet another needy play for the crowd. God. I think I will not be happy with anything less than tears from Ace before this season is through. "Love me! Cheer for me!" Love yourself enough not to sing "We Will Rock You," maybe. He defaults back to the empty smile while Ryan reads his numbers, but then it's back to the disappointed face that will, in a day's time, morph into a simmering rage.
Kellie, as I said, is going to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." She's actually heard of it; her junkie father was a big fan. This is totally going to be a train wreck, you can tell, but Kellie sounds strangely good in rehearsals. Clearly an anomaly, right? The band sure seems to like her, though. They say she's "brave" for choosing the song, and she has a hard time figuring out whether "brave" is a slam on her or not. I think Kellie may have finally arrived at the point where she realizes everyone's just making fun of her all the time. Ryan calls it "the most popular song of all time." It is? Did he mean to say Queen's most popular song of all time? Anyway. Here's Kellie.
Dudes. For one thing, the stage is entirely dark but for one white-hot spotlight directly above her head. Her hair is in this shag formation -- very "blonde Joan Jett." She looks, as Jacob so insightfully pointed out, like David Bowie as the Goblin King. The whole effect is very cool and the staginess doesn't bug me like it did with Constantine's similarly dramatic rendition last year. As for the singing? I have to say, it's not bad. Very not bad. The way Kellie's voice works is that if you don't ask it to move around too much, it's actually very pleasing because the twang tends to come out of nowhere, so it's surprising. I'm not saying I'd buy the recording, but it's enjoyable. Then the crazy Wayne's World head-banging part of the song starts. She darts off the stage and commences shoving her finger into anything she sees: the camera, Simon, the audience. So you think you can love her and leave her to die? Not without a stern pointing, you won't. She takes a walk down the elevated platform and drops to her knees in that way that has worked out so well for her. Um, on the show. I like how Kellie's stage presence has steadily improved since semifinals. She winks at the very end and smiles a very cute smile. This is a lot of fun, I am shocked to say. I'm even more shocked to hear myself utter, "I hope she wins." Couch Baron asked me last week who I wanted to win this show, and obviously my mind first went to Katharine and Chris. But once I started thinking about it, Chris winning would actually suck for the kind of music he wants to do. And Katharine is just...not going to win. Period. So no sense setting myself up for disappointment. That's when I realized I want Kellie to win. So bad. She's exactly the Idol that this show deserves. She's game for their bullshit, she plays along, and every poor performance she's given has been lacquered over like the top of a bar. I want this show to have to reap what it's sown, which means either Kellie or Taylor winning, and given the choice between the two, I'm picking Pickler. Don't email me.
Randy echoes my thoughts exactly, about how he damn near shit a brick when he found out what song Kellie was doing, but after seeing the performance he thought it was hot. Paula of course has to bring up effing Constantine and his "shining moment" last year, even though it was totally awful and creepy just like everything else he ever did. Getting back to Kellie, Paula says she "worked it out" as a "rocker chick." I love how Paula is always the one fooled by wardrobe. Like if Kellie dressed up like Shakira, she'd be like "I love your Latin rhythms!" Simon calls Kellie a "very brave girl," and makes fun of how she looked like a zombie with the stark stage lighting. Goblin King, Simon. Don't tell me you never watched Labyrinth. "On paper," he says, "it should have been completely hideous." Kellie: "Huh? 'On paper'? What does that mean?" Are you fucking kidding me? Can someone buy this girl a context clue? Albemarle needs to disown her like yesterday before she drags the rest of them down with her. It's like talking to blind people and realizing you can no longer use color as a point of reference. Except with Kellie, you never know what she'll not know . I wonder if she's diabolical enough to decide ahead of time that every week she'll just pick one thing Simon says and play dumb with it. I'm not sure if it would make me like her more, but at least it would be an explanation. Besides fetal alcohol syndrome. They're actually kind of cute together, Kellie and Simon. He's all, "Doesn't matter, just let me talk." And she's all, "You're British and you talk funny." And he's all, "I talk funny, Miss 'Pickin' Leaves Offa Bush'?" She tells Ryan that Simon has "the weirdest terminology." Girl, you just said "terminology" and you don't know "on paper"? She knows "arachnophobia" but not "ballsy." Is she teaching herself to read using a word-a-day calendar? Chris starts his video package off by being Chris: "I'm going to be singing 'Innuendo.' It's kind of an obscure song. I just felt like it was the right song for me, and come to find out they never performed it live." Man, I miss Nadia Turner so much. She would pull this shit every week. "Oh, you've never heard this song before, but trust my infallible good taste." And I guess Queen never played this song before because Freddie Mercury was too busy dying, so once again Chris is able to capitalize on the demise of a rock legend. Brian May is ready to marry Chris right there at the rehearsal, he loves him so much. His daughter told him Chris was good! Once again, the stage is awash in spotlights for Chris, but since they're doing that for everyone this week, I'm not so bugged by it. Chris has let the facial hair progress from the scruffiness of Seacrest on a good day to a full-blown Chief Tyrol. He's also wearing quite a bit of eyeliner, and I'd like to say that doesn't have any appeal to me whatsoever. His voice is, as always, wonderful, even if the song choice is beyond shitty. Chris is one of the few Idols left who has the voice to at least keep up with Freddie Mercury. There was no reason to run and hide behind the "import single B-side you've never heard of" thing, beyond his own desire to be cooler than everyone else. Which is fine. I've been known to like boys who polish their cool from time to time. Problem here is, this "cool" choice is also crazy boring, and it makes me sad thinking how Chris could have really thrown himself into the vocal theatricality of an exciting Queen song. And yet! Even still, his voice just works for me, enough that I never fully check out of the performance.
Camryn Manheim is in the audience, and she loves Chris. And I love her. And Randy loves Chris even more, I think. He calls Chris a "real rocker" for about the billionth time this season, and it never gets old because it still reads as "Constantine was such a tool," to me. He says he had "big expectations" and it looks for a second like he's fixing to say something negative, but he finishes his thought with, "You delivered, baby!" Both Paula and Chris are giddy and relieved by the fake-out. Paula is sputtering like an old-time car that's out of gas, something about Chris's last note and a "high C" (or maybe she was just thirsty for come cold, refreshing Hi-C orange drink? Suck it, Coca-Cola!) and Chris is like, "I don't even know," and it's a ridiculously cute moment for them both. Chris is crazy happy tonight, and I wonder/hope it's because his wife and kids are in the audience. Paula just does not stop talking, about how the band was all over his jock and they probably never sang "Innuendo" because they knew in the future some guy named Chris Daughtry would sing it on TV and be above average. I want her to shut up so bad. Just for her own sake. Modulate, girl. Simon ruins everyone's fun by telling Chris that Queen doesn't perform that song "because it's not very good." Heh. Simon gives it up for Chris as the best vocal tonight, but Simon's way ahead of everyone else and when he sees Chris he's already seeing him in the final three, so everything he's about to say is him trying to tell Chris how to win this entire show and not just get by for another week. "I just think it's a shame you didn't decide to entertain the audience at home with one of the great Queen songs." If this show is indeed going to come down to Taylor and Chris like Simon seems to think it will (and I tend to agree), he's damn well going to try his best to position Chris to be the winner, and he's seeing Taylor having "fun" and Chris being all self-serious guy. You can almost see him grabbing Chris by the shoulders and shaking him. "Lighten up! Just because you're the best doesn't mean they'll vote for you out of obligation!" I really hope Chris takes this to heart and sees it as the incredibly rare constructive criticism it is. Ryan takes the stage and addresses the "are we voting for songs or singers?" question that has been building the last three weeks. Randy says we should vote for the singer, but what he means is we should vote for Chris. All the other times he mentions "song choice" as a negative are totally different. Katharine! The exclamation point is always there when she's around. Her video package tells us the song she's chosen to sing is "Don't Stop Me Now." We see her cute self in rehearsals bouncing around on the stage and sounding all upbeat and sexy and fun. This is going to be great. But then Kat tells me (and, okay, America as well) that she changed her mind at some point (read: the second Mandisa was eliminated) and will now be singing "Who Wants to Live Forever?" I'm so disappointed! Another limp ballad when I could have seen boppy fun? Dammit, Katharine! Seriously, did you see the dancing? Was it not wicked hot? Anyway. So Ryan (his hands clasped around the hands of awful Mama McPhee) tells us that the song was featured on the Highlander soundtrack, which should have tipped me off right then. But I was too busy registering my profound disappointment with anyone who would listen. Then I see Katharine onstage. It's pitch black except for four spotlights, two on each side of her, which form a triangle of light around her silhouette. It looks like the aliens have landed and have brought us immortal Scots and gorgeous singers. We push in on the latter, her face still shrouded by the mists of the highlands. This is so theatrical, I love it. I didn't realize this would be the necessary result of a Queen-themed week -- that Pickler and Katharine (and Paris later) would just go crazy with the imagery and drama. If you're going to have a show, make it a show, right? So the song just builds and builds, and Kat is staring into the camera intensely. The camera angle changes to a shot from behind her, as she raises her arms into a Jesus pose of her own. She's wearing this shimmery red blouse, belted at the waist, sleeves scrunched up and fucking shoulder pads or something, like she's one of the Designing Women. It's fantastic, the whole thing.
Randy says he approved of the song switch -- and at this point, so do I -- because he likes it when she stays in her element. Her element being Junior Miss Streisand. He thought it was a little pitchy and maybe too big for her in spots, but overall a good performance for her. But for the lack of completely geeking out over how hot it all looked, I pretty much agree entirely. Paula loves when an artist changes her mind, and she thinks Katharine made the right decision. Over Paula's shoulder, Fantasia's floating head nods in agreement. I don't know why this changing-songs thing is getting so much pub. Is it to ward off potential controversy if Mandisa starts to bitch in the media that Kat stole her song? Is it supposed to make Kat look more independent and aware of the artist she wants to be? I'm not sure it warrants all the hoopla. Paula tosses in some "Celine and Barbra" comparisons and says Kat did a great job. Simon says it was "almost the moment" for her. He agrees with Randy about some of the pitch problems, and Katharine says something I can't quite make out about something she couldn't fix. Simon says she owes a big wet kiss to the lighting and production design guys, because they made her look awesome. That's what I'm talking about, and Kat obediently gives it up for whoever it is that made her look like Future Hotness. "Overall," says Simon, "I think it was one of the strongest of the night." Katharine is, as always, bouncy and giggly. Ryan creepily offers her some of her mother's sweat off his hands. Stay away from the bodily fluids, Ry. We don't like to think of you in that way. After the commercial, Ryan and Elliott are seated in the product placement area. The idea here is to get Elliott talking about jobs he held before deciding to put his entire life on TV, because perhaps he was a pen salesman or a mail carrier. But Elliott is either actually not in on the plan or else he's doing a pretty good job of acting aloof. He's all, "Uh...fast-food service? A corporate setting?" I love "a corporate setting." That should be his album name. But what Ryan really wants to talk about is Elliott's days as a radio disc jockey. We see a photo of back-in-the-day Elliott with his hoodie and radio-friendly face. Ryan asks for a "ramp up" to the song, because he's all about the industry lingo, or haven't you noticed? Ryan was born when Zeus came down from Mt. Olympus, took the form of a high-definition TV, and mated with a sound mixer. Elliott gives some very cute DJ-speak about "E double on your box, make sure you keep it locked, we got Elliott Yamin comin' up rockin' out to Queen." Funny little leprechaun. Video Elliott tells us he'll be singing "Somebody to Love," which is easily the best fit for his voice. Brian May tells him the song was inspired by Aretha Franklin, which is a pretty cool little tidbit. Elliott is of course even more jazzed, because Aretha puts it more in his comfort zone. The band calls the song one of their most difficult, vocally, so they've got to give Elliott his props.
It's a good performance, if boring. I know that I'm boring saying the same thing week after week about Elliott, but it's true. It's enjoyable, but I think the bulk of that is the song. It's naturally soulful, so he doesn't sound out of place with his style. He's just so profoundly uninteresting. He hits the bridge and tries to get everyone to sway their arms back and forth. I hated when Ace did the clapping thing and I hate this, too. Too needy. Randy parrots how difficult this particular song is to sing. He says Elliott's vibrato best matches Freddie Mercury's voice, and...I guess? I suppose it's hard for me to separate voice and personality long enough to even deal with Freddie and Elliott on the same plane. Pitch problems -- a lot of them this week, per Randy -- but overall he liked it a lot. Paula calls it the best vocal of the night, and says he gave "the best Elliott Yamin performance." Now there's a competition he has a prayer of winning. Simon's kind of blah about the whole Elliott thing, saying it was an "in and out performance," but that he pulled it off. When Ryan approaches, we see some of the "I want to touch you but I don't want to be seen touching you" that Elliott will work to perfection on Wednesday. I guess when you've lived your entire life in an allergen-free plastic bubble, you wind up with some human-contact issues.
Video Taylor tells us his original plan was to sing "We Are the Champions," because he loves it. That song bugs me, and I have an awful feeling it bugs me because I had that tape at the ready when I was a ten-year-old spaz in my Bills jersey watching Super Bowl XXV. It...never got played, let's put it that way. I'd say more, but I don't want to lend Vincent Gallo any more credence for Buffalo 66 than he deserves. Speaking of 1990 sporting apparel, Taylor is shown rehearsing while wearing what appears to be a Zubaz shirt. You know I can't even deal with him. At some point, though, Taylor felt that "We Are the Champions" didn't offer him enough of a chance to show his ass and act like a giant toddler not in control of his own limbs. And if you recall the last time we encountered a toddler not in control of his own limbs, it was David Radford singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." I don't believe in coincidences. He just wants to dance, you guys. Too bad what he does could in no way be called dancing. No, what he does is profoundly disturbing.
Let's start with the jimmy legs, followed closely by the arm furiously twirling. It's all rather tame until Taylor hits the second chorus. Then the tether snaps and he springs to life (Jacob: "...Apparently Taylor's feeling better."). He starts furiously kicking at the mic stand like he's in a late-stage bar fight. The mic stand is surprisingly resilient, though, and it takes several kicks before it will stay down. I sure hope that mic stand learned its lesson: those who aid and abet Taylor Hicks's efforts at singing will face swift retribution. Look what happened to Ray Charles. Free from the constraints of a centralized microphone, Taylor is now free to roam the stage like the escaped rhino he is. Run! Take cover, studio audience! No, I won't be talking about the actual singing, because if Taylor wanted us to pay attention to the actual singing he would cut down on this carnival of distracting bullshit. He's on the loose again! Somebody get a tranquilizer dart! He's always on his haunches, so who's to say he won't pounce on someone soon? Every single time this song gets performed on this show, I walk away embarrassed for all involved.
The audience flips shit, because their fight-or-flight response just dumped gallons of adrenaline into their bloodstreams. Randy liked it: "Taylor's back and he's kickin' [inaudible]!" "Inanimate objects"? "His heroin addiction"? "My last nerve"? Can't tell. Paula acknowledges the fact that every year we're put through this song, but she calls this particular performance "refreshing." Like running with the bulls of Pamplona. She says she doesn't know whether they should give Taylor "a record deal or a straitjacket." Like Ted Nugent or Mariah Carey ever had to choose between one or the other. Simon: "Taylor, are you drunk?" Hee. It would explain the lack of coordination in mic stand kicking. "I thought it was ridiculous." Thank God for Simon Cowell sometimes. Not all the time. I still think he's a preening misanthrope mostly, but when it comes to taking the air out of an inflated ego like Taylor, Simon almost always comes through for me. Ryan comes out, and even with ample provocation, the most indignant he can get about Simon is a schoolmarm-ish "Randy, what are we going to do about him?" Y'all, whatever those two did prior to the show, it was damn satisfying.
Oh God! Paris ! Have I sufficiently set up how momentous this performance is going to be? I hope so, because that's how it was presented to me. "Oh my God, you have to see Paris!" "Talk to me once you've seen Paris." "Have you gotten to Paris yet??" Needless to say, my interest was piqued. So here's Video Paris, who's lit starkly even in rehearsals. Brian May can barely handle how awesome she is. She talks about the cool lighting effects they've got working and calls the whole Queen experience the highlight of her life on Idol. Mine, too, in a minute. So for the performance, Paris has extensions and is dressed like a secret-agent superhero. She's got this bodice top with ruffles that make it look like she has dollar bills shoved up in there. She's suddenly straight out of Sin City. Oh, so she's singing "The Show Must Go On." Would you make fun of me if I said that I had only ever heard this song in Moulin Rouge!? Because I'm totally kidding, by the way. There are these heavy violins at the beginning as Paris stalks onto the stage. The dramatic lighting is back, because this song is all about the drama. The lyrics are awesome, about heroes and crimes and "behind the curtain / in the pantomime." She makes these goofy muscle arms on "another hero," and it looks weird for two seconds before she goes back to being cool. When the chorus hits, Paris gets to rockin'. The song is too big for her voice, as has been the case for most of the performances tonight, but them's the breaks when you're dealing with Queen. She keeps up well enough, and the vocals are almost secondary here. When Paris is having fun like this onstage, it's impossible for me to remember why I used to not like her. She's totally my second favorite right now, behind Katharine. The camera is just dizzy with rock superhero Paris. It's infectious, is what it is. Paris makes me want to find a back alley somewhere and strut into the bad part of town singing this song. That could get me in some trouble, I think. It sucks that the only Paris sign in the crowd says, "We Love You, Kelly [sic] & Paris." Paris deserves her own sign, I think. Randy says she started out "rough" but she eventually worked it out. Paula says we're all just now finding out what a little powerhouse she is. Simon says he "found it all a little weird," and since we're short on time, that's all he'll say. Simon and I diverge on Paris more than anyone else, I find. He wasn't a fan of the "Work It Out" performance, either. Ryan calls Simon on the uselessness of that comment (is the honeymoon over?) and begs for votes for Paris. I do, too. She can't go home after something that cool.
Rundown! Bucky being impressively unimpressive. Ace embarrassing himself. Kellie telling Jennifer Connelly she has six more hours to find the center of the labyrinth. Chris resting on his beautiful, beautiful voice. Katharine being sent as an emissary to the human race of behalf of the immortals (though sounding decidedly less impressive in rehearsals). Elliott begging for it -- somebody to love, your votes, whatever. Taylor threatening you and everyone you hold dear. And Paris commanding the world's coolest girl gang. Ryan implores us to vote, flanked by the unbearable cuteness of Katharine and Chris.
Wednesday
Ryan is now dressed like a pallbearer. The fuck, dude? Remember when you dressed like Kenny Rogers was in town and the rent was due? Good times. The "good news," says Ryan, is we have an entire hour with which to dispatch merely one contestant. Jesus. How will they manage to cram all the rehash and filler and product placement into just one hour? The "bad news" is we're going to be losing yet another would-be Idol, and again, not really seeing the downside there. Especially considering who the bottom three turn out to be. Ryan introduces our "three drama queens," which is what we're calling the judges now? Simon is, of course, the "king of the queens." I knew yesterday's post-coital détente couldn't last. Damn. Ryan asks Paula about the nature of the "big songs" the kids sang last night and whether they lived up to them or not. After some dumb bullshit about Simon tickling Paula under the table (I think it was the Rolling Stone cover story where that was floated as a possible excuse for the way Paula acts), she actually back-tracks about the performances and plays the "after further review" card, which is out of character for her. Was I the only one who enjoyed Queen Night? Do they really have to damage control it like this? Ryan asks Randy about the 5-3 boys/girls disparity, which of course is just a nod to the fact that they really want a boy to win this year, even more than last year. Randy's advice to the girls? "Sing really, really well." And once again, where is Ryan's Human Rights Commission freak-out about "constructive criticism" when Randy says this shit? It's the most useless "advice" ever. No, Ryan saves his righteous indignation for Simon, as usual, and he starts harping about Simon never looking like he's having any fun. Isn't that just the "stern British taskmaster" thing working to perfection? After five seasons, do we still have to delve into the whys and wherefores of Simon being the mean one? Oh, right. We've got a full hour tonight. Thanks, FOX! "What will it take to get you to enjoy American Idol?" I'm sure he enjoys his paycheck just fine. I'm not going to give the blow-by-blow about how Ryan doesn't have to be a judge and Simon is the only honest one and blah blah zzzzzzz. The performance recap says that "rock reigned supreme." Except when you include Ace under that umbrella, you're sort of killing your point before you even make it. Simon is shown throwing the cold water on Ace, Chris, and Bucky. Kellie and Katharine were "dramatic." Taylor's performance featured mic-stand kicking and was dubbed a "breath of fresh air." By Paula, though. And Paris "worked it out," per Randy. Ryan is now up in the production balcony again -- did he sprint? -- in time to introduce the final eight, who will be singing a Queen medley. I will try and keep up with the songs as best I can. "Kind of Magic" to start. Before we even get a proper shot of the final eight, their portion of the performance is shunted into the bottom corner of the screen so we can better see a highlight reel of the season so far. Fuck that shit. We haven't seen enough montages to bleed out our eyeballs by now? The group songs are all about the cool interpersonal stuff that we never get to see on the performance shows. Paris pulling focus and Chris setting himself apart from the pack and such. Whatever. Shots of freaks, shots of Idols getting their golden tickets. Ace with his ugly audition hair. Chris back when I hated him. That girl who tried to slam the hydraulic door shut. "Killer Queen" kicks in just in time for the Rhonetta Johnson montage. Okay, I did laugh at that a bit. God, she was so awful. Jacob, I'm sorry you missed out on your second chance to recap her. Ace's biceps in the bottom corner do battle with Rhonetta's censored cooter for your attention. "Under Pressure" greets shots of pensive Ayla (aw, hi Ayla!) and Kevin. Is that what Heather Cox looked like? Will Makar getting the last spot in the 24. Brenna telling us she wants that cash. Becky and Paris freaking shit. Ayla being adorable and spazzy in the elevator. Ace and Chris back when they were dating. Crazy Dave assaulting Crazier Paula.
Kellie and Paris sing "Don't Stop Me Now" as the clips start getting random and pointless. That time Simon called the crazy poetry lady's boss and got her her job back. The Brittenums going all Benny Hill in the first episode. The so-not-fakeout with the third Room of Uncertainty. "Another One Bites the Dust" lets us see R.J. crying again. Effing Brittenums and their cravats that hate Carrie Underwood. Brenna slapping her ass. I fucking miss that girl. Well, the girl she was before semifinals. The "bling bling and shine on" girl. Ayla. Gedeon. Melissa. Kevin. Lisa. Mandisa. Dogjaw. "You're My Best Friend" includes Ryan getting hugged by cowboy Garret's little brother in what is still one of the top five "aw" moments this show has ever given us. The inventor and the mentally challenged house-cleaner guy. The ventriloquist. Cowboy Garret hugging that Buckstein person Sars was all hot for. ["THE BUCK! He's a gent, that guy." -- Sars] Ace and Chris hugging like the utter boyfriends they used to be before Chris moved on to Kellie. Brenna licking Marcy's face and then waving as she made her exit. Love! Mandisa forgiving Simon. Kevin getting his cheeks pinched. Taylor gets to sing "We Are the Champions" anyway as we see him in the frightening bunny suit that looks like a story from Skeleton Crew (Rae Dawn Chong, mofos!) brought to life. Beauty shots of all the current contestants. Kat getting bested by a boom mic. Bucky doing his Tim McGraw dance. Everyone being all loving and fake. Holy hell, it's been a long season thus far. Will Makar is in the audience! I'd still throw more than half of these jokers off the show to have Will back. Why do I always get the sucky pimp-mercials? Jacob gets the Park Ranger Kat one and the Pimp Kellie's Ride one, and I get effing Beach Blanket Bingo and now this one: Crappy Gilmore. Ooh, they're on a golf course and everyone's dressed like a moron. I think Katharine is wearing an argyle tube dress? I don't even think that's what it is. It looks like a one-piece sweater/short-shorts combo made of argyle. That is the ugliest thing they've made her wear yet. Chris looks so incredibly gay in his sweater vest with nothing underneath it. Ace, on the other hand, is butching it up in a lovely pink-and-lavender combination. Taylor looks like my grandfather if my grandfather were blindfolded when picking out his clothes. Kangol as far as the eye can see. ["Your grandfather is Quentin Tarantino?" -- Sars] My TV has never looked this ugly. It's on the phone with its union rep right now. They're playing golf and the winner gets a product-placed car. Chris is jutting his face into the camera Kylie Minogue-style, for no reason. The song is "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," which makes me want to send a letter bomb to Ford and FOX on Pat Benatar's behalf. Okay, there are fake red barns and Paul Bunyans all over like it's mini-golf, but...they're hitting the ball with drivers and shit. I...I mean...why do they want to make my brain cry? Bucky wins the fake golf match. Why? Are the poor and malnourished naturally better golfers? Everyone else tries to kill him with their golf balls. He refuses to just die already. Ah, hubris and irony. Two great tastes that taste great together. Ryan is laughing his ass off at the assembled Idols for how fucking dumb that was. He wants to know who picked out the wardrobe. I'd bust on him for automatically going to the Carson Kressley place like he always does but in this case it's the first thing on everyone's mind. Ace gets pointed to. Ryan would like to know if Ace has maybe had some vision or brain problems. Ace says, and I am not making this up, "I went out on a limb. I'd never worn pink before." Yes, folks. He "went out on a limb" and wore fucking ugly clothes. "I knew my comfort zone was cutoff t-shirts and jeans like I'm wearing now, but I felt I needed to shake things up and go out on a limb so I went with the Annika Sorenstam-meets-Elle Woods ensemble." Ryan is awesome, though, and says, "Yeah, I've done it many times. I'm still alive." Excellent. Real men wear pink, Ace. They just don't wear so much of it.
Ryan asks the Idols if they're homesick, starting with Taylor. He misses Southern cooking and "turnip greens." Because he's from the South, voters! Just like everyone else you like! Kellie misses okra. Fuck, I love this girl. I love anyone who so consistently zigs when you zag. Paris, sticking with the theme, misses fried chicken with hot sauce. Ryan tries to nudge them off of the Heather Cox food fixation for a moment, so his go-to is obviously Elliott, who misses friends and family and other things that make him cry. Ryan's like, "Get laid on your own time." Ace misses "being close to the mountains." Everything he says makes me laugh. "I miss the mountains and quiet nights alone with my guitar where I can be contemplative and soulful and condition my hair." "Clearly," says Ryan, "you're not missing the gym." Ryan is a fan of the arms, as we know. Bucky misses...his dog? I think? The actual words are "I missascrubbyolfellandahead." Ryan has no idea, and you know he actually has no idea because he's got that plastic "everything's fine!" smile on his face. Katharine -- dressed like she's just back from La Isla Bonita -- misses her dog, too. Chris misses his wife and kids, but they're actually here, and that's gotta be why he's so happy. You notice, too, that he and Kellie aren't quite so handsy with each other this week. I hate even thinking that because it's so base and US Weekly, but it's...there. Ryan then kicks it to some short video snippets from home. Katharine's dad looks like Major Dad crossed with Dr. Phil, except that I like him. Kat's mom, as always, gets my irrational hatred. They both dork out about "McPheever," though, and it makes me like them both because Kat had to have gotten the goofiness from somewhere. Ace's mom and dad are silver-haired and nondescript. Elliott's mom is in the studio every week anyway, but she's very cool, as we'll see soon enough. Taylor's mom looks like she could be Taylor's wife, and I'll just stop right there. Paris's mom looks like Paris's sister and she's very proud. Bucky's mom is very pretty and Chris's parents are very Bucky, and I really do think they may have been switched at birth. Kellie's grandpa and little brother are maybe the cutest things in the world. Pa Pickler almost starts crying, of course, and little Eric won't look at the camera, and I'm sorry but it's not fake. Old men and little boys aren't that good at being false, okay. It looks too obvious. This is for real and it's adorable. Back in the seats, Elliott is crying, and I can actually hear Jacob yelling, "Of course he is!" from halfway across the country. Ryan promises/threatens more messages from home after the break.
When we return, Ryan hilariously reminds us that the theme tonight is "messages from home" and pretty soon one contestant will be sent back there. I love it. week, the theme will be Rod Stewart Sings the Standards or whatever. I think what it means is that the Idols will be restricted to singing songs off Rod's last four albums of the Great American Songbook. Thank GOD I'm not recapping that. Though I will admit a fondness for Rod Stewart's scratchy voice. I just like it better when he's singing about downtown trains and girls named Maggie.
Ryan's now looking for this week's bottom three. It takes a lot longer this time, because we have to deal with video clips from home. First up is Taylor, who gets a message from his band, The Taylor Hicks Band. Jeez. Sam and Brian are Taylor's bandmates, and whichever one is the guitarist looks like he's never left the bar in which they play. They wax poetic about Taylor's giant goldfish (zzzzzz) and then guitarist guy says that Taylor is so funny, it often takes him months to get the jokes. Well, hell, if he hasn't even gotten that Taylor is himself a joke, I'm not surprised he's that slow to catch up. Taylor is, to the surprise of no one, safe this week.
Katharine's parents are , and it's gratifying to hear them call her "Kat" because I thought that was something Jacob made up. Her mom tells us that every time Katherine sings, McPhather cries. He's crying as we speak, as we see old videos of Kat acting like a big ol' diva. "She takes my breath away sometimes," says the old man. I find him very endearing for some reason. He's just so clearly in awe of how amazing his daughter is. Video Toddler Katharine says "bye-bye" to the camera and McPhather parrots her, tears beginning to trickle. He's not all blubbery Paul Sorvino here. He's just teary. He's great. Katharine is a little blubbery at seeing this. Ryan delivers a hanky to his best girlfriend in her time of need. Kellie is also crying and says she may need the hanky as well. We'll get back to the hanky later, sadly. Katharine -- who I had actually predicted would go home this week, because I felt it would be someone I liked -- got nothing but great comments and is...safe! Yes! She and Kellie hug. One more week, at least.Chris and his beard look on as his brother Kenneth tells us of the family business in lumber. Chris's brother looks like Ace's brother crossed with any number of Bucky's brother's respiratory diseases. These two are related? I don't buy it. Everybody in Chris's family talks like Bucky, it's very strange. Did Chris move away when he was young? This isn't a hot/not thing. This is a "they don't look, speak, or act in any way similar to him" thing. It's Steve Martin in The Jerk. You know who Chris's brother looks like a bit? Cowboy from Big Brother two seasons ago. Yeah...sorry for reminding you of him. Ryan asks Chris about the "self-indulgent" criticisms, and Chris answers as best he can, which is that the people who like him like him because of what he does best and the style he sings best in. I totally get it, even if I get what Simon's trying to do for him even more. Chris's wife and kids are very cute, and they're happy when they find out he's so very safe.
Ryan asks Kellie if she also had to borrow a handkerchief. "I have the snot rag now, the community snot rag." Ryan is totally going to have to be her Henry Higgins if she's going to make it in Hollywood. Or in America. Or on Earth. He goes to retrieve said "snot rag" (ew), but she says she might need it. Taylor and Katharine look over at her like everyone must look at her at some point in the day. The "Are you for real retarded?" look. Ryan rhetorically asks if she knows what "too much information" means before kicking it to the videotape. Kellie has to quietly correct Ryan on the correct pronunciation of Albemarle (apparently the last "l" isn't silent). Pa Pickler talks about the town rallying behind Kellie as we see various signs of support around town. One says, "Good luck Kellie. Calamari and Spinach for U here." It's nice to see the show acknowledge that everyone in Albemarle isn't as ignorant as Kellie makes them seem. Pa and Eric are sitting on a porch swing, Eric having no interest in looking at the camera at all. Pa asks him whether he could ever get up in front of America and sing like his sister does. Eric says no. Pa says he couldn't either. They're both the absolute best thing we've ever seen about Kellie. They're so great. Kellie's eyes are moist as she raises the "snot rag" (ew) to her face. Except for that old, old video clip of her talking about her daddy, we haven't seen Kellie be too much of a bawler, which is refreshing given her tendency to hog the spotlight at times. Ryan reads off her judge stats, and he mentions Simon's "night of the living dead" comment, at which point Kellie makes a zombie/monster growl because somebody backstage told her to. Ryan gives the Jack Benny face, because what kind of circus did he end up ringleading? Whatever, it's cute. I'm not buying into whatever Kellie is selling (or the show is selling on her behalf). I'm just saying this week I don't find her egregious or annoying. Much. Kellie -- again, no surprise -- is safe. She goes to return the "snot rag" (ew, still) to Ryan and he backs away with mad histrionics. She places it on his podium, and he regards it like a giant bug or possibly a vagina. He approaches gingerly and flings it in Elliott's general direction. Like Elliott wants anything to do with a vagina either, with Ace sitting to him. Then Ryan, because he's still the consummate TV pro, immediately switches into "seriously" mode for the bottom row, because three of these four chumps will be making the lonely walk to center stage. First up is Elliott, whose friends/family video is yet another opportunity to tell us about his many physical ailments. Dude was allergic to, like, carbon. And the outdoors. His mom, as ever, is very cool about it, making a joke about how she guessed he wouldn't be a gardener. His friend reminds us of the hearing thing and the diabetes thing. He says everything Elliott does is to make his mom happy. Mom says she's "so proud" of her son, and not just for the singing thing, but for being a good boy. Seriously, could you ask more of a mom? She's the best. She's in the crowd and Elliott's all choked up and it's nice, but only for ten seconds, because then Ryan tells him he's in the bottom three. Instead of moving on, Ryan goes to the judges about Elliott. Randy thinks America was "confused" this week. Confused by boredom, maybe. Ryan tells Elliott that he's got to sing his song now. Elliott's like, "Yeah, sure." Elliott's not that good of an actor; I've got to think the show is actually springing the format change on them as a surprise, which is so shitty. After about three tries, Elliott finally gets that, yes, he actually does have to sing. He doesn't even get that he's singing "Somebody to Love" until the band starts. Way to make him look like an idiot, Ryan. You couldn't have helped him out a bit? The performance is no worse for the surprise, however. He points to his head when he sings the lyric about "They say I got a lot of water in my brain," and I wonder if that was a childhood ailment as well. Poor Elliott. The boy in the soulful bubble.
Back from the break, all eyes are on Ace. I love how, now that the face, smile, hair, and hideous neck scar have all failed to keep Ace out of the doghouse, he's broken out the guns as a last resort. Let's hope he gets voted off before we see what the contingency is on his list. He looks -- at once -- happy, angry, and sick. The man's being pushed to the brink here, I hope you know. He's a little bitter when he says he's had "too much experience on Wednesday to be comfortable." Tell it to Fedorov, kid. Tell it to what's-her-face whose name I always assigned to Kim Caldwell. The goat girl. "Back in the Rockies" we see Ace's family. Again, Ace's parents are so very normal and average, which is a good thing. It explains Ace's generic prettiness, for one. Then we meet two of Ace's five brothers, "Duff and Mark." Okay, Duff? Is the less objectionable one. Mark is that jackhole at the bar who refuses to modulate the tone of his voice just because you're trying to have a conversation of your own. In the back room. With the jukebox on. Tone it down, Mark. He's all, "Yeah, Ace was the youngest so naturally we'd tie him up to a tree and throw eggs at him and dress him up like a girl to sublimate our own uneasiness with teenage sexuality. What of it?" Okay, it's actually just normal older-brother teasing, but Mark seems a bit too psyched about it fifteen years after the fact, you know? "So I said, 'Go get me a soda!' and he did! Haw!" Duff gives this off-puttingly guilty "What doesn't kill you…" that makes me think my original assumption wasn't that far off. All of a sudden that vacant smile of Ace's has some creepy connotations. Damn Young brothers, taking me to the Cassidy Casablancas place. Back in the studio Ace is fighting back tears, steeling himself against the fact that he's totally bottom three, and seething as Ryan reads the judges' negative comments. That's like a trifecta of troubling emotions. He's in the bottom three, duh. Ryan asks Paula if Ace is in any real danger, and she farts around for awhile about watching the show on tape and how everyone apparently sucked in retrospect but she doesn't think he's in any real danger. False. Or so I thought. Simon thinks the performance was indeed as bad as it seemed last night. Randy doesn't think Ace is leaving us quite yet. They so fucking know. Ace doesn't, though, and he is three seconds away from cursing live on the air, and I cannot wait until he's pushed past that particular breaking point. He's actually still wrecked from the video, and now Ryan tells him he has to sing this song that he sucks at singing. He's actually not quite as bad this time around, though it's still pretty cringey. The anger this time is real, which is maybe what helps. It's still "we will rock you gently," as Simon said last night. "We will Nerf you."We're down to Bucky and Paris, one of them will fill our final three. Bucky's family video is first as we're spirited away to Rockingham, NC. Bucky's father Gene tells us if we've heard of Rockingham at all, it's because of the North Carolina Speedway racetrack. NASCAR used to run two of its top races from Rockingham until 2004 when, as Gene tells us, "We lost it to the people in California." Of course, California only took one of the races away; the other went to Texas, but it's only interesting in the eyes of the culture war if it's California. Ever since NASCAR left, Bucky's AI run has been the biggest event in town. It's only natural they're excited. Especially the police who haven't had to wonder which Covington they were arresting since February.
Everybody crowds the stage to hug Bucky goodbye. I'm glad they all like him. He seems like a good person. Boring singer, but good person. week: Rod Stewart! And you'd have to weight me down with cinderblocks to "stick around for Unan1mous," Seacrest, so don't even.