"Randy knows I love myself ... some him ... Randy," Mariah explains (?), and then totally plugs her album and giggles about it, awesomely, and then they talk about how Randy proclaims her name constantly like Godot and then she talks crazy like she does. Ryan's tail is actually wagging. Aww, he loves divas so much.
Now back to the pain. Okay, so bring out the gimpuleta already. He's not happy about what's sure to be a non-surprising event about to happen. "When You Believe" proved he could sing anything, and the real judges agreed with Randy. He softly says that he's comfortable on the stage, and is having fun, and doesn't hate this life, or performing, and makes all his decisions himself, and doesn't make little cuts on his leg every night. And David is safe. He asks Ryan what he's supposed to do, and then Ryan switches Syesha and David Cook.
So one group is safe and one's the bottom three, and the audience has the lack of class to pretend they don't know what's going to happen . There's David Cook, Carly and Jason Castro on one side -- which puts Carly right in the middle of Safetytown, I think, because she wasn't that great last night -- and then KLC, Syesha and Brooke on the other side, the unsafe side. Man, if it were me I'd pick the losers every time, just to be nice.
So Archuleta: which group is the bottom three? He looks sad but unsurprised, and the obvious safe trio laughs, and David Archuleta sits down in the middle of the stage. Is it 2005, 6 or 7 already? Ryan begs him to stop fucking around and pick a side already, and David won't, and it's obnoxious. So Cook finally comes and sits to him, because God fucking forbid anybody get the camera for five seconds, and then Carly screams weirdly and shakes his poor little body all around for the same reason, and then just to make things more irritating, Ryan tells us week is Andrew Lloyd Webber night. I mean really.
Colonel, Syesha and Brooke. Syesha was the bestest, KLC is safe, so Brooke's obviously going home. And I would say "not a minute too soon" except it's about three weeks late in coming. I want her to go start her real life already because it's so painful watching her lose her shit every week. Paula -- who by the way is wearing a belt buckle, a chandelier, a big scarf and a giant flower around her neck all at once -- babbles, but Simon thinks Kristy's out. Really, Simon? She wasn't as good as last week but she's been getting better and better, and Brooke's been getting sadder and sadder. So then ...
BROOKE IS SAFE!
Do what? After last week I half expect Ryan to be like, "Psych!" And then pull out a gun and shoot them both on live TV, but no. The Colonel gets her singout and everything. There's a psychotic desperation in Brooke's eyes as KLC talks about how she's finally stopped talking about how much she sucks, and she and Ryan wish for her horse. Her video journey is mostly about how her deep voice gets higher and stupider each week of the show, which is interesting. I'll be sad to see her go, honestly. I made a lot of cracks and I don't think I was really wrong about her or her creepy black eyes, but she seems okay. I don't know if we'd be friends but it had definitely gotten to the place where I was looking forward to her singing each week.
But I guess it makes sense, in that she's the least professional one at this point. Like always. I always forget that it starts coming down at this point to straight-up polish: she's just not as put together as the rest of them. Which is a bummer but means Carly might fall before Brooke once again week. Although if I'm right about the kind of total nerd she is, Broadway could be her secret weapon.
Anyway, before watching this episode I watched all of Brooke's performances on YouTube, as a kind of funeral for her, and when you do that it's a pretty obvious graph you can draw of her fading spirits. But then, maybe, this week will turn her around. Give back! Go buy a record at a local record store on Saturday and everyday thereafter: there are people in this world with weed to buy. And anyway, very nice. I really wasn't expecting that, were you?