By Joe R
Okay, so anybody who was successfully taken in by Ryan Seacrest's clever April Fool's ruse that tonight's episode would be postponed in favor of a celebrity edition of Moment of Truth, I regret to inform you that your voting privileges have been revoked for the remainder of the season. Sorry, Kristy Lee Cook.
We've got nine performances and "only" one hour tonight, so we speed through the judges' introductions (including a sweater-clad Randy Jackson -- so nice of you to join us, Dr. Cosby!) and get right to tonight's mentor...Miss Dolly Parton. Now, I promised Potes that I'd go easy on Dolly, which is a weird thing for me to say considering I totally love her. But I'd seen her lately, and between the unnaturally skinny waist and her giant, clown-painted head, Dolly was starting to look a little bit like a caricature drawing. However, I am happy to report that she looks just fine tonight. The hair's still big and beautiful, as are other things, and she's thankfully lost not a bit of that sparkling personality. In truth, I'm secretly hoping she kidnaps David Archuleta and takes him to Dollywood to raise as her own.
Brooke's up first, and she'll be performing "Jolene." Oh good! (And good job elbowing David Cook out of the way -- I love the guy, but him trying to do the superb Jack White version of this song would not have turned out well.) Dolly compliments her honesty, and Brooke gushes about Dolly. On stage, she's accompanied by a fiddle player, a backup singer, and some dude thumping on a box. She totally stole Chikezie's arrangement, didn't she? The performance is...okay. It's funny, because my initial reaction to Brooke's song choice was that I hoped she didn't turn it into yet another Brooke Piano Ballad, when the fact is, this song would have sounded dynamite as a Brooke Piano Ballad. As it stands, she's singing up-tempo, but seated with her guitar, which leaves the energy of the performance kind of floating around in a no-man's land. Her voice sounds tentative, too. Not my favorite performance. Randy didn't love it either, but he thinks this is her kind of music. Paula praises her consistence then rambles on about nothing for a while, which has gotta be driving Ryan crazy, what with the pressure to get this overstuffed show in under and hour. Brooke sucks up to Paula by complimenting her hairdo, which: a) way to waste your energy sucking up to Paula, and b) Paula's hair is kind of looking Carly-ish tonight, with the giant Mom volume. Simon didn't detect any emotion (yeah, me neither) and says it sounded like she was "busking" her way through the song. I do love it when Simon learns a new word. He also makes a crack at the Triplets of Belleville-esque backing ensemble. No mention is made of Brooke's high-waisted pants.
Back from the break, David Cook is on the cola stools with Ryan. He's smiling, which means blood vessels are popping amongst his hater population. He's also cut his hair a bit, which flatters him. It seems like we have to spell it out once AGAIN that David's re-jiggerings of "Elanor Rigby" and "Billie Jean" and such are actually other bands' rejiggerings, despite the fact that he's been acknowledging this all along. Man, they really shouldn't have gotten rid of Stripper Hernandez so soon; these new "controversies" are so goddamn dull. Anyway, the point is that David performance of "Little Sparrow" tonight actually is an original arrangement of his. In rehearsals, Dolly praises David's certainty and confidence. You can tell there's a tiny part of her that's going, "Well okay...that's one way to go," but she's also very excited about it and she's careful to say that David usually hits the mark when he does this kind of thing. And she's right, of course. David's back on my good side with this one. Dolly Parton week was a good draw for him, because with Dolly's songs, it's the songwriting that's the brilliant part, and they're malleable to different arrangements. Randy Jackson enjoyed it and...okay, sorry, I lied when I said there wasn't anything else to say about the judges, because not only does Paula have giant mom hair but she also has this humungous purple flower at the low point of her neckline. There absolutely has to be a microphone in there, right? Or one of those Dateline hidden cameras? Is Simon spitting in Ryan's hair gel? Only Paula's spy flower knows! Anyway, Randy compliments David's "range" (HA!), Paula says she likes his haircut (I really hate it when we're on the same page), and Simon is impressed that he made a song about sparrows seem compelling. Now you know I hate trying to delve into Simon's psyche, because that's a dark and winding hall of mirrors indeed, but that's twice in three weeks now that he's slammed songs with birds in the title. Please, please, PLEASE let Jason Castro sing that "Mock- YEAH! Ing - YEAH! Bird - YEAH!" song week so we can see if this truly is an issue with him.
The first thing Dolly notices about Ramiele is that she's so tiny. Tinier than even Dolly herself. She also notes how totally scared she was, which makes me sad, because it means Dolly hasn't caught wise to the squeaky-baby act yet. I really think I've crossed over into actively disliking Ramiele, which makes it all the weirder that I kind of enjoyed her performance of "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind." She does a better job of integrating the power notes with the rest of the song than she's done lately, so it doesn't feel disjointed. She's energetic and plays to the crowd without being annoying about it. She's kind of lost in the great big sea that is this show's aircraft carrier of a stage, but I honestly think that could be because she's so small. So I guess there's a good reason everybody keeps bringing it up. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of 10, which is an upgrade for him. Paula liked it even better than that, but Simon found it forgettable and cruise-shippy. Which...fair enough. But an improvement, as far as Ramiele is concerned. Speaking of which, she's jettisoned the baby voice with Ryan in favor of some Jason-esque stoner ramblings. It's better, trust me.
Dude, Judy Greer's joined the Mac/PC Apple ad team? And the Cavemen were the ones who got their own sitcom??
Ryan and Jason are on the cola stools, talking about the weirdo stalker postcards he's been getting from lonely housewives before Ryan kicks it to the videotape. We see that Jason is barely taller than Dolly, and almost as skinny to boot. Dolly, bless her, actually takes two handfuls of dreadlocks as she greets him. Not for all the bud in Oregon, would I do that. He's singing "Travelin' Thru," the song Dolly did for Transamerica, which fits his style remarkably well. Dolly says she even detected a bit of Jason stretching himself beyond his well-defined limits, which means she's either been watching the show or she fakes it well. I'm not so sure about the stretching his limits, but within the boundaries of what Jason does, he does this song very well. Still too much of the side-to-side bobbing around that makes him look like an insipid child, but he really seems to have taken Simon's directive to take things more seriously to heart, as he's really throwing himself into this one. As much as a folky-dorky kid like Jason can throw himself into anything. Randy thought Jason improved by the end and "worked it out." Paula thinks it was one of his strongest performances, mostly because he finally let his voice go instead of doing that fakey swallowing-his-breath Dave Matthews thing (agreed...damn it, Paula!). Simon didn't like it, in part, it sounds, because he hated the song. He admits this puts him at risk of losing his season pass to Dollywood. Some might be able to forgive him because it's Later Dolly, but hell, I really like that song, so consider that pass revoked, Mister. He says a whole bunch of things about the song not fitting Jason's style and it not being one of his better performances that make me wonder what the Jason Castro in his head looks and sounds like.
Carly...well Carly will be singing "Here You Come Again," which is the exception that proves the rule about Dolly. She didn't write this song, but I don't know if I'll be able to listen to it without hearing Dolly's signature twang in my head. Dolly's too kind in her praise, saying that Carly's voice is the kind this song was made for, but you can tell she's honestly impressed with Carly's rendition and thinks she's going to "kill it" tonight. And you know? She kind of does. The power notes are still a little desperate and show-offy, but there's real, honest emotion throughout and, in start contrast to Ramiele earlier, she manages to stand alone on the stage and really fill it up. And no, that's not an opening to talk about her ass, Simon. Randy gazes into his crystal ball and predicts that will be one of the better performances of the night. Of course, that part was pre-recorded on Monday, because Randy always wants us to think Carly's is the best performance of the night. Unless she doesn't hit any power notes. Paula freaks out with the praise, and then I freak out myself at the sight of Tattoo Face in the audience. Hi, Tattoo Face! Missed seeing you around lately! Pay no attention to Randy and Paula stupidly bickering about Carly being crappy last week. Way to put the girl over, Abdul. Simon continues his uninterrupted streak of being underwhelmed by Carly, and I am suddenly reminded how Simon never likes anybody on country night because he doesn't think any of them will be marketable as such. No wonder I'm disagreeing with him so much. And then he pretty much calls Carly a fatass in front of the whole nation and tells her to start dressing better. If this were about four weeks ago when she was looking like a Desperate Housewife, I'd have agreed, but this is purely because he thinks her butt looks big in those pants. Cram it, Simon.
In the audition room with David Archuleta, Dolly says she can feel the "little emotions" that David is feeling as he sings "Smoky Mountain Memories." She seems pretty affected by his performance, though, and jokes that her false eyelashes are in danger of falling out. Yeah, I think getting water anywhere on that face is probably not the best idea. So, as always with David Archuleta, the self-consciousness of the performance overwhelms what remains an impressive and precociously strong voice. I would probably like these performances so much better as straight-up audio. 'Course, nothing will make his little "hoo-ooo-ooo" tail on the end of this song sound anything less than cheesy. The crowd screams and the judges freak out, of course, but I wonder about this kind of praise becoming rote. More and more, I can see the Archuleta fanbase getting complacent one week and something weird happen. Or else we'll all be rendered deaf by his screaming mosh pit fans. I can't wait for the week the Jonas Brothers come to town and nobody's around to scream for him.
Kristy Lee Cook will be singing "The Coat of Many Colors." Dolly tells us that that song was a true story from her childhood and kindly lies that she thinks Kristy is bringing something personal to it as well. Uh...yeah, probably not. To her credit, Kristy's like, "Dolly saying my mom would be proud of me is nice and all, but I'd much rather impress Dolly." That's the kind of honesty Kristy abandons when she sings claptrap like "God Bless The U.S.A." And honestly, the performance...given the fact that Kristy's the only one working in her preferred genre right now, she's really not so impressive. Already on the night I think Carly, Jason, and both Davids have been better. Randy and Paula both give out rote props, but Simon nails, it, saying she was "pleasant but forgettable." Not this week, but she's outta here week. She puts on this very sarcastic bitchface and "thanks" Simon for his words, but then she starts laughing, which makes me think this is Danny Noriega all over again and they're both pretty cool with each other. Anyway.
Syesha. Singing "I Will Always Love You" as you knew she would. Dolly compliments the way she seems to be splitting the difference between her own version of the song and Whitney Houston's, but honestly, I don't hear much Dolly in this arrangement. Which is fine, because like I said, Dolly's songs travel well. But it's not fine, because: don't be so predictable, Syesha. And don't sit on top of the piano unless you're also planning on handing Simon an engraved invitation to say the word "cabaret" about a billion times. (Ooh! If Andrew Lloyd Webber is presiding over a Broadway theme rather than a simple ALW theme, can somebody please sing "Cabaret" and make Simon's head explode??) Randy takes a moment away from burning incense at the altar of Whitney (at least...I think it's incense) to give Syesha props on tackling the "big tiger" of the night, even if she was only pretty good. Paula loves her, though, and Simon gives due props to Dolly Parton for writing that song, but he says he wishes Syesha wouldn't have been so damn predictable in choosing it. Oh, and also never sing Whitney songs because she is The Jesus.