By M. Giant
Tonight's pre-credits sequence is all about rock... as in rock music. It's punctuated with shots of guitars and the strains of by Rush and photos of some actual classic rock acts, and titles like "Idol rocks out." There's also some archival footage of the Idol stage being graced by the likes of Queen and Kiss so we don't laugh the show off our screens, but then it tells us that we'll be hearing some Evanescence tonight. Which kind of undercuts the show's three-second-old claim of rock cred, if you ask me.
The judges and Ryan enter, and Ryan does indeed promise a rock theme for tonight. "That means no ballads, no slow dancin'," he says. I'll believe that when I see it. Ryan adds that guitarist Orianthi will be backing up the contestants during their performances. We're then allowed a quick glimpse of the top seven on the stage before Ryan summarily sends them away just as confused as I am.
Tonight's intro reels for each finalist consist of taped comments by the other contestants, and we're starting with Burnell. The others talk about his accent, Angie confessing that she doesn't understand half of what she says before cutting to Burnell himself doing an impression of Brad Pitt in Snatch. They also make fun of his trademark gestures, with Candice giving the best performance as usual, and imitate his laugh that's like the scream of a dying animal. So now that Burnell has been partially humiliated, he comes out and finishes the job by singing "You Give Love a Bad Name," clearly uncomfortable with either the theme or the song or the fact that he's just been viciously lampooned on national television. Orianthi's good, though. At the end, Keith laughs openly and at length in Burnell's face, and guesses that rock isn't really his thing. He advises Burnell to make it his own time he gets something that far out of his comfort zone. Nicki thought he was lovable, but agrees with Keith that he still needs to be Burnell. Randy says he needed to stay on the beat for what was apparently his first up-tempo song ever. Mariah cuts him plenty of slack, saying he had fun with it. She may have been projecting there. Burnell admits to Ryan that this was the only rock song he knew when he learned what the theme was. Can that be true? Or is it that they were given a limited list of songs to "choose" from? After the ads, Burnell admits to a camera backstage that he totally agrees and has learned his lesson for time. That assumes he's going to beat Lazaro this week, which is by no means a given.
By M. Giant
The producers have paired Lazaro and Angie in a duet, and managed to find the one song equally wrong for both of them. They're at least two octaves apart -- too low for Lazaro and too high for Angie, and of course there's the ongoing issue with Lazaro not knowing any American pop songs, which naturally includes this one. Nicki puts some effort into saying it was nice up until Lazaro forgot the words, but Angie was good. Randy basically agrees that Angie sounded better than Lazaro, and Mariah astutely points out that the original wasn't a duet. This is why they bring in the experts. Keith says it was like a variety show, whether or not that's what they were going for. I'm just having PTSD flashbacks to Josh Ledet screaming this song last season, also triggered by the knowledge that he's in the audience tonight. We're still doing that thing where the contestants react to the judges' comments backstage after the ads, which I'm sure has someone in the control room wondering whether they're allowed to cut off Lazaro in midsentence.
Kree's intro reel is all about how Kree's like the mom of the group, and has bothered to get to know all the myriad anonymous crew members, hugging them and knowing their names and asking about their families and making the rest of them feel, as Candice says, like "we suck as a person." She sings "Piece of My Heart" and doesn't look nearly as uncomfortable as Burnell did -- just a little bored. And yes, she's great at the singing, but at some point one just expects that from Kree and one's mind begins to wander because it's not really a surprise. This continues after the performance, as Randy says the show just finally started. Which is fair, because we're a half hour in, but on the other hand that was only the second judged performance of the night. Mariah loves Kree's ability to choose her songs. But what about her ability to sing them? Well, Mariah says this was one of her favorite performances from Kree, so I guess that's good. Keith asks her about the high boots she's wearing, and whether that was slowing her down during her performance. Kree admits to having a pinched nerve, and then Nicki watches in skeptical amazement as Keith keeps talking. Then she uses her turn to gush about Kree as a performer and as a person. When Ryan joins Kree onstage, he gets her to share how she was born in the same hospital as Janis Joplin, who went to school with Kree's grandmother. By the way, my dad went to school with Gary Busey, which is something he doesn't tell people as much as he used to.
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Time for another pointless duet, which is Burnell and Candice doing "The Letter." It's turning out to be a big season for covers of Joe Cocker covers, isn't it? This one is all slowed down and filled with big jazzy horns and has two actually good vocal performances, so that's an improvement. In fact, Randy gives them a standing ovation from the judges' table. Mariah observes that they can obviously sing anything and did justice to this one. Keith loved it, especially the part with Burnell being Burnell and Candice's amazing voice. Nicki is briefly speechless over Candice's voice, but she eventually comes up with an overblown metaphor to describe it before saying that this was more Burnell than Burnell's earlier performance. Randy goes on about how Candice rocked them all back in their seats. And, you know, Burnell was there too. As for Burnell's comments, he says backstage afterwards that this was much easier than his solo song. Candice gives him some credit for the success of their performance, I guess because someone has to.
Ryan lets Janelle give a shout-out to her peeps back home having a viewing party at Lincoln's Grill before playing the clip of her fellow contestants talking about how country and overdramatic she is in her every day interactions. Her rendition of "You May Be Right" could use a little of that. Seriously, Janelle -- are you even trying to find a song that matches what you do? Lynryd Skynyrd exists, after all. Or, you know, they used to. Keith notices her boots as well (made entirely of sequins, I think) and says that although it wasn't the best song for her, she really worked it. Nicki tells Keith to clear off her fashion-commentary turf before saying that the performance was exceptional, and that Janelle has major relatability. Randy comments on her authenticity and the fringed vest that he covets, and dubs Janelle "the great contender" and immediately begins working to make it A Thing. Yeah, that's about as catchy as something that really isn't remotely catchy. Mariah loved the key she was in because it let her show off her vibrato, and also the relatability thing. So I guess the takeaway is that if she hadn't picked exactly the wrong song she'd be in great shape. And by the time we come back from the ads, Janelle is backstage in her socks because her boots are on Nicki's feet and her vest is draped over Randy's more massive shoulders like a backwards dickey. Sorry you have to live with that image now.
The others have noticed a couple of things about Lazaro: his penchant for blinding colors and his tendency to wrap up a performance with a dramatic pose. Which Ryan imitates when introducing him from behind the judges' table. Lazaro is singing "We Are the Champions," which ends up being one of his better recent performances... not that that's a high bar. I mean, he remembers all the words and has chosen the right key, but his dramatic jump at the end unfortunately cuts off whatever Orianthi was just starting to do there. Nicki liked how Lazaro ended with some attitude, and calls it "crack juice." Randy had his doubts, but admits Lazaro did a good job. Gosh, Randy -- don't make him blush. Mariah points out that everyone of all ages knows this song, which at least explains how Lazaro knew it. Keith says it was a good choice and does an amusing matador voice to cap off what I'm realizing is a round of coded remarks about how pronounced Lazaro's accent was this time.
By M. Giant
The others have noticed a couple of things about Lazaro: his penchant for blinding colors and his tendency to wrap up a performance with a dramatic pose. Which Ryan imitates when introducing him from behind the judges' table. Lazaro is singing "We Are the Champions," which ends up being one of his better recent performances... not that that's a high bar. I mean, he remembers all the words and has chosen the right key, but his dramatic jump at the end unfortunately cuts off whatever Orianthi was just starting to do there. Nicki liked how Lazaro ended with some attitude, and calls it "crack juice." Randy had his doubts, but admits Lazaro did a good job. Gosh, Randy -- don't make him blush. Mariah points out that everyone of all ages knows this song, which at least explains how Lazaro knew it. Keith says it was a good choice and does an amusing matador voice to cap off what I'm realizing is a round of coded remarks about how pronounced Lazaro's accent was this time.
We're going back to the Glass Houses well with a group performance of Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock & Roll to Me" that finds Janelle, Kree, Amber and Orianthi all sitting on a couch together. Amber turns out to be the vocal weak link here, possibly because she's distracted by the fact that half of the front of her jeans is gone. And, of course, like all duets and trios on this show, the lines and parts are parceled out in a way that makes almost no sense at all. Randy says they sounded really good, Mariah enjoyed the blending, Keith tells them they should do more like this, and Nicki calls them Jem and the Holograms before saying the song choice put her to sleep. "Really, none of you stood out, it was just so cheesy." So I guess we don't know which one was Jem. She digs Amber's look, though. When Ryan comes out, Janelle explains that they just learned the song last night. Maybe knowing more songs in the first place would help.
Coming back, Candice ruefully explains to Ryan that Burnell had her tell Lazaro the house was on fire for April Fool's, and not only did Lazaro not fall for it, Candice broke her toe. As always, the best part of April Fools' is the injuries. Candice starts off her own intro reel by saying that nobody can shit-talk her because she's too boring. And indeed, there's a whole bit about how she... has her own room. And then there's this whole thing about how Candice and Burnell bicker all the time, and that's about it. She's doing "Satisfaction," which seems like it should be at the top of the list of songs not to do on this show, which is probably why she's doing it, just to prove she can pull it off. And she does, making pretty good use of Orianthi on top of it. Mariah says Candice always shows them something different, but she's still holding out to hear something that Candice has apparently agreed to sing for her at some point, and I guess we'll find out what that is when it happens. Keith asks how much her toe is hurting, not that it seemed to slow her down much. He loves her vocal power and doesn't really feel like telling her to move around the stage more under the circumstances. Nicki tells her she had that broken toe coming: "Lazaro got special powers, you ain't know that?" She still loves Candice's voice, but says the song choice put her to sleep and then preemptively boos herself before the audience can. Keith abruptly remembers that Orianthi exists and gives her a shout-out before Randy weighs in about rock being an attitude and Candice bringing it. Ryan asks her what she thought about it being rock week, and she says it's far from what she usually does. Illuminating.
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Ryan comes back and has a little interview with Orianthi about how she learned ten songs in 24 hours, not that we could tell. It probably goes back to what I said earlier about knowing the songs to begin with, because if there's one American Idol commentator I'll agree with every time it's me. Then there's a clip about Amber in which the other contestants talk about Amber's tendency to talk to herself and take selfies with her phone, and Burnell's giant crush on her. Her "rock" song is by Heart, which is fine, but the song is "What About Love," which kind of isn't. I mean, didn't Ryan say at the beginning of the show that there would be no ballads or slow dancin' allowed? I guess one could be forgiven for forgetting something that happened so damn long ago. The only problem with my complaint is that she nails it, enough to get a standing ovation from Keith, Nicki and Randy. Keith says it was a great song choice to bring out her voice, while Nicki talks about freestyling to it on a mixtape years ago, and how Amber really made an emotional connection with the song. Randy liked how she kept it her own with the "[Whitney] Houstonisms," which sounds like a bit of a contradiction. I mean, did he just congratulate her on taking a song by one artist and making it sound like the other artist she usually sounds like? Mariah agrees that she did a great job making it her own, and talks about how she's grown since her first audition. "In it to win it?" she asks Randy, as though she hasn't been hearing him say it every week forever.
Ryan comes back to us from the audience, sitting to Joshua Ledet and Hollie Cavanuagh from last year. He catches up with them a bit and then drags Hollie over to introduce her to her idol Mariah Carey. As that awkwardness unfolds, we cut to the clip of all the contestants making fun of Angie's excitability and the way she eye-fucks the camera during her performances. She's back at the piano tonight, doing what is probably the perfect "rock" song for her, "Bring Me to Life." At least the slow part at the beginning. Soon she pops up, though, and does the balance of the song on a tiny pedestal, almost but not quite getting overpowered by the music. Turns out her voice is a reasonable facsimile of Amy Lee's. And of course there's plenty of eye-fucking. Nicki agrees with me that it was a perfect choice for Angie, both letting her be at the piano and sticking to the genre, but is looking forward to hearing her get back to singing her own originals and Colton Dixon songs; in other words, more stuff nobody's ever heard before. Randy talks to her about how "edgy" and "dramatic" she is and how this is probably the kind of record she'd want to make. Then Mariah babbles for approximately forever. Shorter Mariah: she liked it. Keith liked it overall, but wants to make sure Angie's got the right feel about the song and less worried about how she looks on the stage. Nicki agrees with him as though she doesn't talk about the way everyone looks every week.
By M. Giant
Ryan comes back to us from the audience, sitting to Joshua Ledet and Hollie Cavanuagh from last year. He catches up with them a bit and then drags Hollie over to introduce her to her idol Mariah Carey. As that awkwardness unfolds, we cut to the clip of all the contestants making fun of Angie's excitability and the way she eye-fucks the camera during her performances. She's back at the piano tonight, doing what is probably the perfect "rock" song for her, "Bring Me to Life." At least the slow part at the beginning. Soon she pops up, though, and does the balance of the song on a tiny pedestal, almost but not quite getting overpowered by the music. Turns out her voice is a reasonable facsimile of Amy Lee's. And of course there's plenty of eye-fucking. Nicki agrees with me that it was a perfect choice for Angie, both letting her be at the piano and sticking to the genre, but is looking forward to hearing her get back to singing her own originals and Colton Dixon songs; in other words, more stuff nobody's ever heard before. Randy talks to her about how "edgy" and "dramatic" she is and how this is probably the kind of record she'd want to make. Then Mariah babbles for approximately forever. Shorter Mariah: she liked it. Keith liked it overall, but wants to make sure Angie's got the right feel about the song and less worried about how she looks on the stage. Nicki agrees with him as though she doesn't talk about the way everyone looks every week.
Quick recap of tonight's performances, and right now the only prediction I'm going to make is that there's going to be a woman in the bottom three tomorrow night. But where's the number to vote for Orianthi?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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