Luke and Jason, in vague and uninteresting ways, tell Ryan that this elimination stuff is: hard. Back row stands and Michael is safe, leaving the Jasons, Danny, and Chikezie who is also safe. Ryan fakes out J. Castro and he's safe, leaving Jason Y. who is obviously going home and Danny who is obviously safe, and then Jason is done. Thank goodness. Danny rolls his eyes and looks like he's going to hurl as Jason makes his way down to the stage, impregnating young children with every step. Ryan remembers how Jason sucked, and then how the judges hated him, and Jason then also remembers these things, back to Ryan, in near-verbatim fashion. He tells again how much he thought he was awesome two weeks ago, when it didn't actually have any bearing on the conversation, and then he's just babbling for awhile. Simon tells the poor old fucker that being boring and charisma-free is the one thing you cannot buy or impregnate your way out of, and then he sleepwalks and shrieks his way through "Long Train Running," but it's not like we have to care, and we already know he sucks, so: bleep-bloop.
During that DVR flash-forward I am happy to tell you that my pregnancy test came out negative, and thus I will be returning to the third grade on Monday as if nothing happened; I hope to return to my watercolors and arranging the stuffed animals by size and species and would appreciate some media privacy during that time. Everybody hugs dumb old Jason but, as usual, Ryan can barely touch him, because he has mush-mouth and a stupid blonde streak in his hair, and a cruddy child.
The ladies "put on a great show last night," Ryan lies, and reminds us about it. Carly continued to be as boring as hell, Simon made the half-moose, Syesha continued to search the world for a point, Kristy Lee did better but still had no personality or reason for existing, Ramiele went to a regrettable disco place, Brooke White is the greatest of all time at everything in the history of the universe, some random blonde girl, Amanda continued to be a fucking train wreck disaster but white-trashy nasty, some other random blonde girl Alaina sang that song from Grease and Simon actually liked her, Alexandréa was totally fabulous and perfect with her Chicago, and Asia'h proved that you can take the girl out of the ghetto but not the ghetto out of the girl. Not even with a Chi Iron can you do that.
Last week, Ryan reminds us, the ladies (read: "Ramiele") were very emotional, and he wonders if they are ("she is") going to totally lose their (her) shit again this week. Listen, in about four weeks you're going to wish Ramiele had never discovered her tear glands, trust me. Back row again, and KLC is safe leaving safe Asia'h and Brooke, and Alexandréa and Amanda, one of whom is safe. Obviously, Amanda's gross ass is going home, right? RIGHT? Wrong. A-Lush is shockingly eliminated even thought she was fabulous last night, and Amanda persists even though she's a national embarrassment. If I start watching Rock Of Love will this shit make sense? Alexandréa spazzes out on Ryan for never bringing her grandmother to L.A. like he promised he would, and calls him a freak, but in a kind of cute way. We then watch her sing that awesome song, again, awesomely. The most dramatic person during this song is David Archuleta, who basically spends the sing-out climbing up Luke Menard. Which goes to show that he really is a genius, because in that whole entire studio that's the one thing you should always be looking for an excuse to do: spoon Menard.
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Carly's fucking safe, leaving two random blonde girls, the wigging out but safe Ramiele, and Syesha who is safe. Kady and Alaina join Ryan onstage like tiny blonde triplets with giant faces on their giant heads. Even at this moment I can't tell them apart, so when he says Kady is safe, I'm as shocked as they are, but if it were the other way around I would still be shocked that amount. Alaina totally loses her shit and tells Ryan point-blank that she is not capable of singing the singout, then tries to climb the admittedly short distance up to the top of Seacrest, and finally Kady is evicted from the stage so that Ryan can explain to her the rules of the game, and look deeply in her eyes, and confirm that in fact there really is no way her ass is singing right now. Which is kind of awesome in that it is rather raw and real, but sadly gives Paula time to ramble on for quite a while about nothing at all. This show is the chance of a lifetime, but also being tossed off this show is the chance of a lifetime. Ryan asks Alaina one more time if she can sing, and all of Suffragette City crowds onstage to sing along with her and hug her and play with her hair, but I mean, she says it's going to suck and then it sucks. Still, it's one of the coolest singouts ever for that reason, and it gets better as it goes on, marginally, plus she rocks generally, so it's still better to listen to than if, say, Robbie were up there singing.
Hey, remember the pile of shitthat wasIdol Gives Back? This year it will include Brad Pitt, Carrie Underwood, DAUGHTRY, Miley Fucking Cyrus, and the crazy beast that is Mariah. Fabulous. Luke and Robbie are summoned summarily to center stage, and for once it's kind of suspenseful, because they sucked in such different and amusing ways. But only one of them wears a dirty wig like a homeless tranny, and he's done: goodbye, Robbie. Who at this point, as though to sweeten the already quite sweet blow, is wearing a t-shirt with a giant skull on it, and a bandanna with a lot of smaller skulls on it. Motherfucker. Simon is like, "I still have no idea who you are, but whoever you are, give me a goddamn break." All four of them watch their video journey out of and back to obscurity, and it's barely touching, because this is stupid and they sucked.Well, the guys were easy to call because the guys generally are pretty awesome. But I have to admit I'm surprised about the ladies, because they were actually two of my favorite ladies out of the bunch, in that I recognized their names and the songs that they have sung -- and the lunatic clothing, in Alexandréa's case -- even if I didn't recognize their faces. And I mean that literally: I could not match their names to their faces if you offered me five bucks a girl. Which I guess is why we're saying goodbye to them. Robbie sings his shitty awful stupid "Hot Blooded" again, but guess what? We're done.Previous1234Next
Join us week for the '80s, the final Semifinal round, your Top Twelve crazy-making Idols, and what's sure to be a massive fashion car accident for everybody.
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