By M. Giant
Tonight's pre-credits sequence is basically a brilliantly edited reminder of how last week was essentially a waste of everyone's time. And now everyone is totally serious, y'all. Seriously. It's not like anyone's going to push back the hotly anticipated premiere of Does Someone Have to Go?.
Enter the judges, enter Ryan. He tells us that the finale is only two weeks away -- not that anyone's counting -- and presents the top four. And wouldn't you know it? They're the same top four as last week. Ryan reminds everyone about how the top three will get the hometown visits, but for some reason fails to mention that that was the point in last year's competition when Phil Phillips decided he wanted to win after all. Tonight's two themes are songs from 2013 and standards, which means the finalists will each be singing a song most of the viewing audience doesn't know and one it does. And they've brought in Harry Connick, Jr. to mentor, because who says 2013 quite like Harry Connick, Jr.?
We start with a clip of Harry greeting the finalists in some mansion and saying he feels like he knows them already. They return the sentiment and he cracks, "Well, you don't, because I'm a huge star." Okay, this might not be so bad.
Angie's starting off, and we see her meeting individually with Harry, whom she calls the funniest person ever. "The whole household loves you," he tells her at the beginning of their mentoring session. "I... don't." Angie is doing a stripped-down version of "Diamonds" by Rihanna, but the point of the scene is when they bluff each other through a song of his that Angie's pretending to know even though they're both making it up on the spot. I'm starting to think the person who goes home tonight will be the one who gets along least well with Harry Connick, Jr. Angie's actual performance is pretty basic arrangement-wise, with her behind the piano that she's been warned so many times against straying from. She's going with a slow build vocally, which is good except for how she doesn't quite nail the first big high note. She recovers well, though, and remembers to give the camera the old Angie-eyes. Keith starts by telling her how much he loves the song, but mostly the percussive parts that Angie took out. He adds that if he's going to change the song anyway, she might as well do what she wants with the melody. Nicki says this is different from most of Angie's piano performances, which isn't a good sign. Sure enough, she ends up calling it bland and lackluster. Randy agrees with Keith, saying it didn't go anywhere, but he digs Angie's leather shorts. Not at all creepy, that. Mariah takes forever getting to the point that Angie didn't really connect with the song, so it's a relief when Nicki interrupts to point out that Mariah's agreeing with her. Mariah clarifies that she agrees with all the judges, just in more words.
Ryan grills Amber about what she felt last week when she found out no one was going home. She says she was both happy and surprised, which is not surprising and does little to make me happy. Amber meets with Harry to rehearse "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk, though she doesn't remember the words. That actually impresses Harry, as she just keeps singing and snapping her fingers and concentrating on the melody and tone and getting way more into it now that she's given up on knowing what she's supposed to be saying. She probably won't get away with that with Randy, though. I'm glad to say that for her actual performance, she's got the lyrics down. Unfortunately, most of the passion she displayed for Harry was the apparent price. Also, her pants are made out of dryer ducts. Nicki likes them, of course. She also preferred the version in the pre-performance clip to the actual performance. She basically tells Amber to keep it relatable. Randy says that we've reached the point in the competition when it becomes a particularly stressful grind, and Amber didn't seem to be having much fun. Mariah cuts her some slack for not having much familiarity with a song that hasn't been out that long, but everyone else has to do it too, so what was the point of all that, Mariah? Keith gives props to P!nk for being an underrated singer with a lot of crazy range and intervals, and points out that what Amber was trying to do isn't especially easy. Well, not to be an asshole, but isn't that how she got to the top four?
Ryan gladhands Carole Bayer Sager and Babyface in the audience, flogs the summer tour and introduces Candice. Her 2013 song is "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars, and she explains to Harry that she likes the emotional connection of it, even though she's not a man. He's a little worried about her, but comes around when she convinces him that she's going to be trying to tell a story. Her arrangement is pretty faithful to the original and she even resisted any temptation to change the words around. She blows it out on the bridge and final chorus, naturally, and I think the accomplished the emotional goal she was going for. Randy gives a speech about this being a singing competition before declaring that Candice can sing anything and he doesn't care about the gender. Uh, since when? Randy cares about five things: stale catchphrases, saying "yo," remembering the lyrics, namedropping and gender. Mariah says Candice has the musicality to separate herself from the rest of the competition, and Keith says she might as well have sang, "When I Was Your Giraffe." I think I've heard that on the kids' radio station my son likes. Nicki leads the judges in a belated standing ovation (particularly belated in the case of Mariah, who mimes throwing more glitter) and says that Candice has done everything Nicki has asked her to do, which is what makes Nicki happier than anything.
Before Kree finishes out the first round, Ryan reminds us that last week's votes are being added to this week's and asks Kree how she's going to come back from her not-so-thorough tongue-bath from the judges last week. You'll recall she was in the top two anyway. Kree admits to Ryan -- and in her intro reel -- that she needs to connect more. She tells Harry about how she's doing "See You Again," which Carrie Underwood sang on the show a few weeks ago. At the piano with Harry, at least, Kree sings it better. Harry agrees, and goes so far as to say that he'd be willing to help Kree if she asked him to. For Kree's performance, she perches on a stool to an acoustic guitarist in front of projection of -- for some unknown reason -- the Eye of Sauron. Someone in production design apparently took the song's title a bit too literally. Her singing is quite lovely, but even better? She doesn't have the blank eyes she's had in so many of her past performances. Mariah says this is what she's been waiting for from Kree. Keith didn't quite feel it, saying it's a power ballad that didn't really work with the staging. "But your voice is faultless." Nicki is almost apologetic about how much she loved it, and reads from her notes that Kree sang with her eyes, which would be awesome and terrifying if it were literally true. Randy makes it about himself before remembering to say that Kree has an amazing voice and he loved it, and that Kree could do worse than follow in Carrie Underwood's footsteps. Ryan comes out to talk to Kree and brings Harry Connick, Jr, out onstage to congratulate her in person. That ought to give her a boost.
We come back for the "standards" round, which Ryan doesn't start before asking Keith the meaning of his "I AM THE STIG" t-shirt. Keith doesn't explain, so I'm choosing to take it as a Rutles reference. It turns out that Harry actually mentored both rounds, which makes a lot more sense. Angie's second intro reel is more of her talking about how wonderful and hilarious he is, and Harry deadpanning more about how much he doesn't like her. "She's mean, she's a thief." Or maybe he's not kidding. Angie picked "Someone to Watch Over Me" off the list, and Harry tells her to take out a fancy lick she threw in there for no reason. As we'll see, he's just getting warmed up. Angie dedicates it to her mom, who apparently sang this song around the house a lot, and goes ahead and does a reasonably sweet, simple version, at least until it starts getting a little Evanescence near the end. Keith asks why she picked the song, because he clearly wasn't paying attention before. After going off about the song choice, he says it doesn't really matter, since it was beautiful. Thanks for wasting our time, Keith. Nicki compares Angie to a Disney princess and says she has a Broadway vibe. Did Nicki just sandbag her? Randy liked the guitar playing better than the arrangement, but says Angie can sing anything and it was an amazing vocal. Mariah says her mom also sang that song and, in fact, is here tonight. She points her mom out up in the audience and basically admits she can't get past the lack of piano. Mariah says something about disagreeing with "certain members of the panel," about how every moment needs to be a big one, which Nicki says she never said. Mariah tries to finish while Nicki loudly digs in her purse for a Q-tip for Mariah to clean her ears out with. Fortunately Mariah doesn't take her up on it, because no one needs to see that.
Amber is seen working with Harry on "My Funny Valentine." He stops her half a line in and asks her to interpret the song for him. Which she can't, because she hasn't actually thought about the words beyond what they literally are, and he kind of nails her to the wall for it. She was better off with the P!nk song, not knowing the words at all. This is all for her own good, of course. Amber ends up doing a nice job of it, earning the night's first actual standing ovation from all four judges. Of course she scored with that song back in Vegas, but the judges liked this time even better. Nicki starts gushing about how wonderful she was, bringing Amber to tears. She's never going to get through this round of judging if she's already breaking down. As Ryan comes out early to act as a silent, short pillar of support, Nicki tells her to stop worrying about the votes and believe in herself. Randy agrees that it was stellar, even if she felt defeated at the beginning. Mariah thanks Amber for bringing back the spirit she loved, blah blah blah. Keith remarks on how low-energy the room is tonight, but only until the big run halfway through Amber's song. Ryan offers some sincere-sounding encouragement and gets back to flogging for votes like he's supposed to.
Coming back, Harry and Ryan have commandeered seats in the front row. Ryan asks Harry how hard it actually is to sing the standards, and he basically says people just need to sing the melody. Moving on to Candice's standard, which is "You've Changed" by Billie Holiday. In the intro reel showing Candice's rehearsal, he basically sticks to that same advice and then jokes about not wanting to give Candice a hug. For her performance, she seems to have taken Harry's advice, keeping it pretty straight ahead while singing all torchy in front of the piano. But don't worry, she still throws a big run in at the end. Four-way standing O for Candice, too. Randy declares Candice "in it to win it," because fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, and tells Harry that it's not about runs, it's about feeling every note. Mariah sarcastically says she hated it, but seriously has nothing to critique. You'd be amazed at how much longer she goes on after saying that, though. Keith loved Candice's power and control, and watching Mariah listen. All Nicki has to say is, "Ryan, come on out." Don't have to tell him twice.
Kree is going with "Stormy Weather" for her standard, and she tells Harry that she's basing her version on Etta James's. Harry continues to insist that the runs she's doing are not only gratuitous, but "wrong." He sits down at the piano and plays the straight melody for comparison, then lets his fingers dance all over the keyboard in mockery of all her embellishments, nailing every note and yet still sounding ridiculous. That moment right there might actually be the best performance of the night. Basically he tells her to just sing the damn song already. Then Kree goes out onstage amid a sea of strings and sings it, but appears to have disregarded most of Harry's advice. I guess she's not singing for votes for him, after all. Mariah says the choice of song had her "interested," which is a bad sign, as are her remarks about how nice Kree looks, and says she would have expected something bluesier. Keith agrees that she should have picked a different song, and both of them agree with Harry, although he says Kree shouldn't let anyone change the way she sings naturally. Nicki understands how Harry's mentoring could be "startling," but also wishes everyone would have done a better job choosing their songs. Randy says he doesn't have much to add, but adds stuff anyway, saying she should have gone with the Etta James version rather than the Lena Horne version. Harry's been looking increasingly grumpy throughout all this, so Ryan invites him to give his own comments. Keith takes Harry by the hand and leads Harry to his seat so Harry can school Randy about the importance of the melody and how people need to learn it and go from there. Which, to Randy, is crazy talk. The thing is, Harry is probably right artistically, but the right artistic choice isn't ever going to win this competition for anyone, not that anybody on our screen is going to be able to say that. I mean, Jimmy might tomorrow, if he's as close to no longer giving a shit as I suspect he is. For now, Randy insists on having the last word until Ryan shuts them up, but I think we all learned something. Except Randy.
Out of nowhere, the final four come charging down the aisle to the stage for a group sing of "Wings" by Little Mix, which is odd in both its timing within the episode and the fact that each of them is closely shadowed by a lip-syncing backup dancer. Also, it's kind of a weird song. I think I would have rather seen a longer recap clip package instead. But we get the normal-sized one, which is still long enough to make the show go a couple of minutes long. time sing faster, ladies.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.