By M. Giant
As expected, given that we've got the show's first-ever all-female top five, this week's pre-credits sequence is a remix of the one that came before the girls' Hollywood week. The clips rattle off the short litany of Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks as we're reminded that it's been six years since a woman won. Which can't be true, because they said it was six years then, too, and it's been at least that long again since that time.
After the judges enter, holding hands in pairs, Ryan has to wait roughly forever for the applause to die down before bringing the room down with a somber shout-out to Boston and summoning the top five to the stage. Now that we've gotten a look at them -- Candice, Janelle, Kree, Angie and Amber -- Ryan saunters down to the judges' table to reveal tonight's two themes: year of birth, which always makes half the audience feel incredibly old; and "divas." Way to stretch, theme-meisters. I want at least one of week's themes to be cock-rock or I'm walking.
We're starting with Candice, who was born in 1989 (the year I started dating my wife, I'm just saying), who gets to show off some baby pictures and help her parents tell us stories about her bossy, playfully violent childhood. She's singing "Straight Up," and... yep, there it is -- I feel old now. She does a toned-down, jazzy, lounge-y version of it backed by an acoustic combo while the camera circles her interminably in a not-remotely-straight manner. In fact, her entire performance was captured in a single looping shot. I don't know how that helps her with the judges, but it's not like she needs it. She dresses up the unchallenging melody as much as she can, which is a fair amount. Keith loved that version, and just now realized that it's a great song. Too bad Paula isn't around anymore to hear that. Nicki starts by congratulating her on being in the top five, especially after having tried out unsuccessfully last year. As for her performance, she informs Keith that it has always been a great song, but liked Candice's spin on it. I'm still dizzy from the camera's spin. Randy liked the whole thing and says nothing can go wrong with her, which means he's just doomed her. Mariah describes it as unpredictable and smart, and the song choice as "genius." Ryan comes out and prompts Candice to tell everyone that Janelle helped her pick the song. Which is some help that Janelle probably needs. Speaking of whom, Ryan sends us to break with the alleged challenge of guessing who the tow-headed little girl in the baby picture on the projection screen is. Like, even if Janelle weren't the only remaining blonde, none of these other women ever held their heads at a 60-degree angle like that.
There's some post-ad commentary from backstage tonight, but this time it's from Jimmy, who apparently doesn't want to wait until tomorrow. He agrees with me more than the judges about Candice's performance, because the song has an unchallenging vocal range. Which, now that I think of it, might be why Janelle picked it for her.
Sure enough, Janelle is , born a month after Candice. There's some old home video of her singing before she could talk, and being the world's smallest Vince Gill fan. Thus tonight she's singing his song, "When I Call Your Name." For her performance, she's going back to her country roots hardcore, singing the slow waltz while accompanying herself on the family guitar. And you know how the judges always say someone's back when they give a good performance after weeks of lackluster ones? I hate to say it, but I think Janelle might be back, you guys. It might be a little too restrained for Randy, though, because she never really fills her lungs and blows the roof off the way he likes everyone to. Nicki also congratulates her on being in the top five, and says that Janelle is to her guitar as Angie is to the piano. Randy thought she did a great job and agrees with me that she's back, which makes me want to slam my head in a car door. Mariah says she believed her, and that it was raw and real. Keith, however, as much as he loves the song, didn't quite feel it, and thinks she should have ditched the guitar. Over the transition music, Mariah yells that Janelle brought her to tears. Like that's hard. When Ryan comes out, he talks to Janelle about how she vacillated on using the guitar tonight, which ends up not being a particularly interesting story. After the ads, Jimmy agrees with Keith, saying she wasn't strong enough and needs some emotion to get herself out of the middle of the pack. The middle? As decent as she was just now, I think that's a pretty generous assessment.
Kree was born in 1990 (the year I moved out of my parents' house, thanks for asking), the third-oldest person still in the competition despite being the mom among the contestants. Apparently her first singing performance was in church at age three. And tonight she's singing "She Talks to Angels," by the Black Crowes, which she correctly says people won't expect from her. Guess what? She sounds good. Except she looks bored to tears. In fact, during one run of notes she all but rolls her eyes. Yes, we know this is easy for you, Kree. Don't rub it in. Randy kicks off this round of judging, saying "man" three times around only one complete sentence before going on about her voice and how natural and emotional it was. Mariah says Kree can sing anything, and loves to see her getting lost in the song like she didn't tonight. Keith agrees, pointing out that this competition forces Kree to deal with cameras and stuff that she won't have to as an actual artist, but she's good enough that her occasional failure to do so doesn't matter. Nicki gets all British on us as she says she agrees with Randy more than Keith and Mariah, blaming what Keith sees as awkwardness on Kree's high-heeled boots. There's some crosstalk between Nicki and Mariah, and Nicki concludes that it was perfection. So I'm not sure how or why she disagreed with Mariah, other than to irritate her. And then Ryan throws it to ads with a topless photo of Angie. Even though she's a baby in it, I'm not sure that's appropriate. Backstage, Jimmy says that Kree, like Candice, is coasting a bit.
So Angie was born in 1994, at which time I was a homeowner with a mortgage. Just saying. The story of her infancy is all about how she transformed from an elf to a rather chubby baby. Her mom further embarrasses her by performing Angie's first original song, "Little Sparkle Dress," but Angie says she's hoping to do better tonight with a performance of "I'll Stand by You" by the Pretenders. She dedicates it to her hometown of Boston before starting in, back at the piano. She's taking no chances here, following the judges' repeated advice and belting out this old chestnut like she wrote it. And it ends up earning her a standing ovation from Keith, Randy and Mariah. I assume Nicki saw Mariah getting up first and decided to sit it out. Mariah starts out with her sympathies for Boston before going on about how much she loves Chrissie Hynde, which is not something I would have expected. Keith likes the piano-Angie and the song choice and says he can't wait for her to hit the road. By which I assume he means going on tour, not leaving the competition. Nicki loved the whole thing, particularly the piano and the dedication. Randy gives a shout-out to the shout-out and says this is one of the best top five they've ever had, which must be true because he says it every year. If nothing else, he's keeping his story straight. Backstage, Jimmy says Angie turned her biggest weakness into a strength, making it the best performance of the night.
Ryan cues a clip of Carly Rae Jepsen giving us an update on her finale performance. Nobody cares, still. Ryan introduces Amber and her superfan Jonelle, who is currently up onstage to her. It's really kind of sweet, and Jonelle seems like a reasonable, rational person who is not likely to stick Amber in a big jar in her basement, but then all of them seem like that at first. Amber was also born in 1994, and looked almost exactly like she does now only shorter. She's doing Mariah's 1994 version of "Without You," and gets an encouraging message from her dad on the farm: "Show them what you can do, and do it." Okay, so maybe "encouraging" is the wrong word. So then we get to hear Amber doing Whitney doing Mariah doing Harry Nilsson, and it's pretty good, getting her another standing ovation from the non-Nicki judges. Keith excitedly says they have an Amber alert and almost immediately regrets it before telling her how much her singing has grown over the last few weeks. Nicki felt like Amber fell short of the Mariah version on the low parts, which may lead to the two female judges' relationship getting patched up in some odd way. Randy says it wasn't perfect but nobody else could have done that in front of Mariah, who makes a big show of false modesty before talking to Amber about how she had her doubts about Amber's high range going with this song, but she did very well. Ryan babbles showily at Amber about singing the song in front of someone who made it an international hit, because it's all about Ryan. Backstage, Jimmy gives her an A for bravery and ranks her in second place for the night, despite agreeing that she wasn't so great in the lower range.
Candice isn't fucking around with her song in the diva round, "When You Believe" by Mariah and Whitney. Candice says in her intro reel that she vowed early on not to do a Mariah song, but the glitter Mariah bestowed on her last week changed her mind. Candice sings both parts, and sure, there was a lot of diva firepower in this recording, but that doesn't mean it was ever a good song. And this one doesn't force her to stretch much more than her first one of the night did. She throws in some vocal fireworks at the end when the gospel choir kicks in, and that's enough to get all four judges on their feet. "That's how you do a Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston song," Nicki declares. She remembers listening to the song repeatedly as a little girl and believed everything it says about believing. Randy calls that the best vocal of the night and lets everyone know that he was present when Whitney and Mariah won the Oscar for it. Because it's also all about Randy. Mariah tells Candice she's proud of her and she did Whitney proud. Keith compliments Mariah's listening skills before going on to say Candice did what Jimmy said she needed to do. Candice seems to belatedly realize what she just did as Ryan joins her. Seems to me like the time to realize you're singing a Mariah Carey song in front of Mariah Carey is before you do it.
Looks like Jimmy's sitting out the second round, so we come back to learn that to nobody's surprise, Janelle's covering Dolly Parton -- specifically, "Dumb Blonde." Which I don't think is one of Dolly's better known songs, and after hearing it I can see why. It's pretty much a rhythm-challenged, melody-free rant, and as much as Janelle might relate to the empowering lyrics, this obscure song is almost exactly what she doesn't need right now. She works it as well as she can, though. Randy's biggest reaction was to the pyro, and says it was more a performing-performance than a vocal performance. Mariah manages to get "#pow" on our screens at last, but agrees that she would have liked Janelle to sing something that showed off her voice a bit. Keith agrees that "Dumb Blonde" isn't exactly one of Dolly's standouts and didn't show what Janelle could do. Nicki eases into her criticism, starting with the caveat that they all have superpowers, but Janelle is in jeopardy of going home tomorrow, not that it'll end her career. Janelle tries to make up for it by smiling her very brightest smile over her voting numbers. Vote for my smile, everyone!
Kree is doing "Have You Ever Been in Love" by Celine Dion, whose hype Kree totally believes. I don't know this particular Celine song, which is just as well because it allows me to enjoy Kree's performance on its own terms. Which is lovely and worthy of a standing ovation from all four judges. Mariah says it was a smart choice and a great key and a good show of her versatility. Keith gets briefly distracted by a love-heckler in the audience but manages to come back and tell her how much he appreciates the way she's going to inspire other women to get into country music. Nicki realizes on the spot that Kree's not country, she's worldly, like Adele or Celine. "You just, to me, elevated even your net worth." Randy agrees all around, and Ryan comes out acting like he just now fell in love with Kree. Maybe it was the "net worth" remark.
Ryan introduces Angie for the second time with a clip of her scoring on the mascot at the Kings game last weekend, and Angie tells us she's singing "Halo" by Beyoncé, fully aware of the risk. Part of the risk is that she's letting someone else play the piano. Vocally, though, she does a good job holding up the side. There's also some nice touches in the arrangement, like when she lets the invisible backup singers carry the melody while she nails a long, high note, and turns the end into a big churchy ballad. That gets her the more traditional three-way standing O from the judges who normally go in for that sort of thing (Keith, Nicki and Randy), and after Keith blurts out of turn that it was definitely top three, Nicki bellows, "Now my Angie Miller is back!" She says Angie did justice to one of her favorite Beyoncé songs, and Beyoncé's going to hear it. Not that it'll be official until Ryan reads a Tweet from her on the air tomorrow night. Randy just deploys his "in it to win it" catchphrase. Mariah seems relieved that we're talking about another diva besides her, and talks about how wonderful Beyoncé is before giving Angie props for the vocal clarity that got her in some trouble last week. The message being, I guess, that a liability can become an asset if you nail it.
The youngest finalist, Amber, is going all the way back to who she calls "the original diva," Barbra Streisand. The song she's chosen is "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life," saying that it should take her back to her jazzy roots. Yes, I know, nineteen-year-olds don't have roots, let alone jazzy ones, but she's hearkening back to her earlier performance of "My Funny Valentine." And the production goes along with it, all lush strings and piano and chandeliers. She does really well with it, too, getting a standing ovation from all four judges. Nicki declares it "simply perfection" and says Amber doesn't get enough credit. Randy says that was the most difficult song of the whole season, and Amber sang the "I don't know what" out of it, which, I've been wondering when he was going to bust out that line. Mariah says she's potentially a massive star and wants America to vote for her. Keith also thought it was beautiful the way Amber just casually knocked it out of the park. I have a feeling the save is going to get used tomorrow night, whatever happens. And someone puts their thumb on the scale in the recap clips, because the only standing ovation we see in those is that last one Amber earned. Actually, that was a pretty good show overall. The only thing missing was Lazaro.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.