Last night's episode pivoted around Fiona's rivalry with two women: Marie Laveau, who is newly pissed at her and Madame LaLaurie for beheading her most recent Minotaur, and the head of the witching internal affairs committee The Council, Myrtle Snow (played brilliantly, as always, by Frances Conroy). The former brings a horde of New Orleans zombies – including LaLaurie's three daughters – grunting bloody murder at the front door of Miss Robichaux's Academy, culminating in a cliffhanger for week. The latter is amazing, and I'll be giving it its own paragraph. Follow me!
So The Council is basically gay fan fiction and I love it. It's Frances Conroy in a giant Sideshow Bob wig (a nice one), Leslie Jordan cracking wise, and prolific character actress Robin Bartlett. Nan has summoned them to investigate Madison's disappearance because she can't hear her thoughts anymore and believes her to be dead, inadvertently activating a decades-old feud between Fiona and Myrtle Snow. Fiona cleverly maneuvers her way out of their investigation, but along the way we learn the fun story of how Spalding lost his tongue: He cut it out himself after Myrtle cast a truth spell on it so he couldn't lie for Fiona during the investigation into Anna Leigh's disappearance in 1971. He has always loved Fiona (awww!). He has also always loved tea parties with creepy dolls (what!), and currently loves dressing up Madison's half-naked corpse in his secret lair (nooo!).
Speaking of Madison, during the investigation Cordelia casually mentions that Fiona wouldn't have murdered her out of jealousy because she had a heart murmur, a health defect that automatically disqualifies her from being Supreme anyway. This was information Fiona did not have, apparently. Whoops.
In other news, Cordelia's husband is a dirty cheater, which we discover courtesy of a brief cameo by Alexandra Breckenridge, the sexy maid we all loved in Season 1. They have very aggressive sex in a hotel room and then eat vending machine soup together, which is gross. Unfortunately, after he sleeps with her he murders her, so, a cheater and a killer? Dealbreaker, ladies. This also vindicates Fiona's suspicions of him "reeking of bullshit," and you know how annoying it is when someone gives your mom an opportunity to say I-told-you-so. Worst husband award, right here.
Oh, and Kyle has broken free of Zoe's expert care and is now running free in the streets. Zombies everywhere! Hopefully this means Misty Day to the rescue week.
Mindy Monez is not the baddest witch in town, not even close. She barely cracks the top 10. But follow her on Twitter @garnisheater anyway!