Episode Report Card Mindy Monez: A | 85 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT The New Orleans Chainsaw Massacre
By Mindy Monez | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.06.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.The zombie attack cliffhanger from last week is resolved surprisingly quickly this week (a good thing, I think), as Zoe turns into a Robert Rodriguez character and takes a chainsaw to the majority of them before it stalls and she discovers she has a new power: Immobilizing voodoo zombies and the witches who made them -- with her mind. After her defeat, even Marie Laveau admits that they "have some real power in that house." I think we've found our new Supreme.
We're treated to a horrifying Madam LaLaurie flashback in which we see more of her perpetrating unspeakable cruelty to not only her slaves, but her three daughters as well. In the present, LaLaurie begs for forgiveness from one of her zombie daughters, but since the dead don't forgive, she ends up having to kill her to keep her from eating Queenie. Best friends forever, those two.
After the attack, the Council returns to investigate yet another incident going down on Fiona's watch. Fed up, Fiona enlists Queenie to help her frame Myrtle for throwing acid on Cordelia's face, and it works unbelievably well. Myrtle crumbles under the pressure of being accused of anything, and Pimbrooke and Quentin immediately sentence her to death by fire. Myrtle just… accepts this fate? That storyline was pretty incoherent, but it's all for nothing anyway, because after Myrtle is burned at the stake Misty Day stops by and brings her crispy critter witch self back to life. Not a particularly well-crafted way to bring her into Fiona's world, but I'll take Misty Day any way I can get her.
Speaking of the acid on Cordelia's face, she is not only disfigured now, she's also blind, as the acid burned through her optic nerve. Her murderous cheating husband Hank runs to her side and sincerely tells her he loves her, but when he takes her hand, she can see flashes of him having all that animalistic sex with Kaylie last week. She doesn't see him murdering her, though, which is arguably the more pertinent part of that story. Oh well.
As for Fiona, she takes about 100 pills per second this episode and is pretty much high the entire time, but she has this new plan where she is trying to convince Queenie that she is the Supreme, for reasons unknown. Queenie, the only one with a bigger bullshit detector than Fiona, just accepts this help as genuine. What is wrong with everybody this week? LaLaurie and Spalding are the only ones acting normal and they're the biggest freaks on TV.
Mindy Monez is jealous of Misty Day's boots. Please tell her where to buy them @garnisheater.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Masquerade ball at Madame LaLaurie's manse, many Halloweens ago. LaLaurie greets the Louisiana Governor and his wife, who in turn present their handsome son Jacques, basically as an offering to LaLaurie's eldest daughter Borquita, whose name I can really get behind. Borquita is charmed by Jacques, but LaLaurie decides to put him to the test by inviting him to brave her "Chamber of Horrors." Oh dear. Here we go.
Borquita is clearly horrified by that idea and tries to avoid the entire thing with a "Mother, I'm sure Jacques wouldn't be interested!" but you know LaLaurie – once she's made up her mind to do some fucked up shit, she goes right ahead and does it. She leads Jacques and Borquita into a candlelit room just drenched in red curtains and then proceeds to make Jacques touch a bunch of severed slave eyeballs and entrails and such. I think I'm going to die from this scene. The first time, Jacques pretends he thinks the eyeballs are the usual peeled grapes, but he's clearly very freaked out when he sees how real they look. But when LaLaurie shows him the entrails, he runs screaming. Atta boy. We're also treated to flashbacks of LaLaurie ripping out all these body parts herself, which, FUCK. That is some of the most disturbing footage that's ever been on this show, and that's saying something. LaLaurie has herself a belly laugh and says Jacques just wasn't man enough for her Borquita. That was fun!
Borquita is beyond annoyed. She gathers her sisters and complains that she'll never get a husband if Mother keeps making all her prospective suitors dip their hands in slave guts on their first date. She reckons they'd better just kill her and the other two agree it must be done. Just then, LaLaurie bursts into the room and calls them back to the party. Sure hope she wasn't listening at the door or anything! Also, isn't there supposed to be an "ugly one," according to LaLaurie in the first episode? If there is I can't identify her. Make your picks in the comments!
On her way back to the party LaLaurie crosses paths with her husband, who tries to exchange pleasantries with her, but she's having none of it. She is on a tear, and she wants "Bastian" and two strong slaves, stat. Maybe she just wants help getting the party started?
But alas, in the dead of night, two strong slaves grab Borquita out of bed and drag her kicking and screaming down to LaLaurie's torture chamber where all her mutilated slaves are imprisoned. One of her daughters is in a cage, and another is tied to a ceiling beam by her wrists, and as Borquita continues to struggle against being put in a cage, LaLaurie tells the slave to "break her leg if you have to!" and that he does. Yikes. Upon seeing this, the one tied to the ceiling tries to save their asses, saying it was just talk, and that they never actually planned on killing her. LaLaurie is unmoved. She begins to take on a cruel glee in taunting them, explaining to them that if they're good, she'll let them out in a year! Obviously, they're not thrilled with that timeline, but at least they're not Borquita – on Christmas morning, LaLauria is going to "stuff [her] conniving mouth full of shit." She's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom!