In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Last night's episode pivoted around Fiona's rivalry with two women: Marie Laveau, who is newly pissed at her and Madame LaLaurie for beheading her most recent Minotaur, and the head of the witching internal affairs committee The Council, Myrtle Snow (played brilliantly, as always, by Frances Conroy). The former brings a horde of New Orleans zombies – including LaLaurie's three daughters – grunting bloody murder at the front door of Miss Robichaux's Academy, culminating in a cliffhanger for week. The latter is amazing, and I'll be giving it its own paragraph. Follow me!
So The Council is basically gay fan fiction and I love it. It's Frances Conroy in a giant Sideshow Bob wig (a nice one), Leslie Jordan cracking wise, and prolific character actress Robin Bartlett. Nan has summoned them to investigate Madison's disappearance because she can't hear her thoughts anymore and believes her to be dead, inadvertently activating a decades-old feud between Fiona and Myrtle Snow. Fiona cleverly maneuvers her way out of their investigation, but along the way we learn the fun story of how Spalding lost his tongue: He cut it out himself after Myrtle cast a truth spell on it so he couldn't lie for Fiona during the investigation into Anna Leigh's disappearance in 1971. He has always loved Fiona (awww!). He has also always loved tea parties with creepy dolls (what!), and currently loves dressing up Madison's half-naked corpse in his secret lair (nooo!).
Speaking of Madison, during the investigation Cordelia casually mentions that Fiona wouldn't have murdered her out of jealousy because she had a heart murmur, a health defect that automatically disqualifies her from being Supreme anyway. This was information Fiona did not have, apparently. Whoops.
In other news, Cordelia's husband is a dirty cheater, which we discover courtesy of a brief cameo by Alexandra Breckenridge, the sexy maid we all loved in Season 1. They have very aggressive sex in a hotel room and then eat vending machine soup together, which is gross. Unfortunately, after he sleeps with her he murders her, so, a cheater and a killer? Dealbreaker, ladies. This also vindicates Fiona's suspicions of him "reeking of bullshit," and you know how annoying it is when someone gives your mom an opportunity to say I-told-you-so. Worst husband award, right here.
Oh, and Kyle has broken free of Zoe's expert care and is now running free in the streets. Zombies everywhere! Hopefully this means Misty Day to the rescue week.
Mindy Monez is not the baddest witch in town, not even close. She barely cracks the top 10. But follow her on Twitter @garnisheater anyway!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Flashback to 1961 New Orleans: A young African-American boy is riding his bike down the streets of a quiet residential neighborhood when suddenly a truck full of white guys pulls up behind him. The boy looks back and, alarmed, starts pedaling faster. The truck floors it and runs him off the road into a secluded alley between two houses. Tragically, this alley is a dead end both literally and figuratively, and the men approach the terrified boy as we cut to…
Marie Laveau's salon (still in 1961), where one of her stylists, Cora, is having a hard time concentrating on doing hair because it's her son's first day of high school – at the "white school." She explains that it's integrated now, but this is 1961 and the Deep South, so Marie and the other women in the salon know as well as we do the potential danger he could be in. Marie brings up some recent bullshit racist smear campaigns on behalf of New Orleans officials, but his mother, though nervous, cites Kennedy being in the White House, and says she has hope for the future. Oof.
Her statements are contrasted with an abrupt cut to the horrific scene of the boy from the first scene hanging by his neck from a tree. This is clearly Cora's son. He's framed quite cinematically as a tiny boy being enveloped by this massive tree in the middle of a field, alone and overtaken by something much darker and more powerful than he is. I know some viewers and critics reacted negatively to this story being included in what's supposed to be a campy, fun show, but I don't think it's out of line to be inclusive to the very real consequences of historical racism along with the comedy beats of Madame LaLaurie and Queenie squaring off over the dinner table (as much as I do love those scenes). If you're going to do a season about racial tensions in New Orleans, then do a season about racial tensions in New Orleans.
Later, Cora arrives on the crime scene with Marie just as the police are cutting him down and mourns him as Marie looks on and glowers, clearly plotting some kind of fantastic voodoo revenge. Clearly, Marie Laveau is a good friend to have.
Back in Marie's salon, it's after hours, and she is in her back room performing a spell. There are drums being played, a mysterious chalk drawing on the ground, multiple snakes of varying size and color, a bit of reptile blood and a whole mess of secrets from her apothecary cabinet going into this thing. So, her magic can cure infertility, avenge dead children, build Minotaurs and apparently generate massive amounts of cold hard cash as well. Every time I find an apothecary cabinet I want it costs thousands of dollars! Marie Laveau gets to have everything.
Elsewhere, the men who lynched the boy are literally hanging out on HAY BALES, for chrissakes, drinking whiskey and tossing around the N-word a lot. As you do. Marie's spell-casting intensifies (she's drinking fire and blood, so), and suddenly we are overlooking a graveyard, where a single, undead hand shoots out of a grave. Yes, people. We have zombies. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Soon after, the racists' racist barn party is busted up by a zombie army tearing them limb from limb. Arms are severed. Honkies are garroted. It's quite a scene. The zombies are a pretty diverse crowd – most are your standard overalled whities, but one's a sexy black flapper (for a zombie, I mean), one's a Native American, and one is, ironically, a Confederate soldier. The Confederate impales one of the racists with his bayonet and pins him to the wall so the other zombies can come and tear out his racist innards for dinner. Yum!
Intro time! I hate this season's intro. Don't you? The two were so filthy and scary but this one feels very tame and amateurishly student film. Right? Still, great theme song. You could put that theme song over anything and it would instantly be more exciting. Try it with golf!
With all that flashback business over, we come back from commercial with a close-up on a creepy doll. Then a close-up on some creepy dirty fingernails playing a creepy song on a creepy old record player. More dolls. No thank you with all these dolls. A tiny doll tea party is assembled, and hosting the party is Spalding, who is having a grand old time being weird with his terrifying doll collection. It's all very formal, a real napkins-on-laps affair. He is distracted by a noise and as he enters the foyer of Miss Robichaux's Academy we discover that this is a flashback to the night Fiona killed Madison.
He walks into the parlor just in time to witness Fiona slashing Madison's throat, so we get to see that craziness again. He rolls Madison's body up in a rug (her fantastic 6-inch sparkly Vegas heels sticking out the end, a nice touch) while Fiona lights a cigarette and rationalizes that Madison would have made a lousy Supreme anyway, so she was basically just protecting everyone by getting rid of her. Sure, Fiona! I'm sure there have been worse defenses for murder over the years. And besides, Marie doesn't care about Madison, so we know nothing too big will come of this, consequences-wise. But let's play along anyway.
When Spalding's finished he pours Fiona another drink, which is honestly what all men in the presence of Jessica Lange should be doing with themselves at all times. Fiona softens and tells Spalding she loves talking with him now that he doesn't have a tongue – it makes him seem so wise! Now, I swear a shadow of "Bitch, please!" passes over his face for a moment, but considering the details of the rest of the episode I guess that doesn't make any sense. In any case, they are interrupted by the sound of glass breaking in another room, and Fiona leaves to investigate, ordering Spalding to "deal with that," gesturing to Madison's body. Cold!
Fiona goes out to the greenhouse and finds Queenie lying on the ground, fresh from her Minotaur attack. She's conscious but in a lot of pain ("He hurt me real bad" is what she tells her, which I assume also means the emotional pain of being sexually rejected by an unholy half-beast monster), which she explains to Fiona just as said Minotaur rises behind Fiona. I wonder why he'd attack her and then just hang out right to her without finishing her off.
We don't get to see the Fiona-Minotaur battle of WWE dreams, as the scene shows Fiona bursting into Cordelia's room to bring her to Queenie, who is having a rough time in one of the bedrooms. She's basically catatonic now. Cordelia starts whipping up a magic potion of some kind while Fiona declares that only Marie Laveau could have done dark voodoo this strong. They bicker over whose fault it is that Marie is after them (it's obviously Fiona's, but OK), and Fiona even gets in a few digs about Cordelia's fertility desperation. So, pretty good mommy-daughter time overall, I'd say.
Cordelia's potion doesn't do any good (it looks like an amaaazing moisturizer though), and Queenie stops breathing. Fiona takes matters into her own hands, puts her hand on her Queenie's head and kind of breathes into her mouth from a distance above her. Queenie immediately starts breathing and her heartbeat follows. Celine Dion's "Loved Me Back to Life" is based on this scene. So beautiful.
Fiona heads back to her room and finds Madame LaLaurie hiding in her closet, shaken from the attack. She seems equally unsettled by the fact that a black girl saved her life as she is by a Minotaur sent by a voodoo queen attacking her in the first place, but she's certainly evolving. LaLaurie fearfully asks Fiona what the hell they're going to do if the Minotaur comes back, and Fiona very confidently says "It won't."
Daytime in Marie's salon. Marie is doing present day, older Cora's hair because she is going to the Mayor's Halloween ball, and as one of the women in the salon says, "If you ass nappy, white people ain't happy!" Sage advice! Cora insists on paying Marie "this time," and Marie cheerfully tells her to keep her money in her purse. Free revenge and free blowouts? Best. Friend. Ever. Just then an enormous package arrives, and it is not hair from India – they checked. You know what it is? It's a severed Minotaur head – still blinking! Fiona, you scamp! Marie is devastated. And pissed. Mostly pissed. Hope you're not a snake lover, because this is going to be a doozy.
Checking in with Zoe and Kyle now, he is covered in blood and banging his head against the bathtub in his dead mother's home. Zoe screams for him to stop and he caveman-speaks to her that he is no longer Kyle ("Kyle? No. No Kyle." You get it.) She runs to the kitchen to make him a sandwich and impulsively decides to add some rat poison to his tuna salad (it looks just like Skinny n' Sweet!) to put him out of his misery. But when she returns to the bathroom, he is gone, and the front door is wide open. So a homicidal Frankenstein's monster is on the loose on Halloween in New Orleans. Yippee!
Fiona's bedroom. Madame LaLaurie's helping her get dressed for the evening and picking up a little lesson in the ways Halloween has changed over the centuries along the way. There's a delicious little Fiona Moment that goes like this: LaLaurie: "Miss Fiona, you look…" Fiona: "Younger?" LaLaurie: "I was going to say beautiful." Fiona: "Well. Both are correct." Heh. Then Fiona tops off her slinky black funeral dress with a pointy witch hat and asks her reflection, "Who's the baddest witch in town?" Ah! This show always knows just the thing to say, doesn't it?
Marie is furiously collecting her spell materials in that back room of hers when Chantal comes in and begs her not go any further in breaking the truce. Oh, there was a truce? You don't say. Flashback time!
And what a flashback it is. '70s Marie, complete with flawless afro and big gold hoops, sitting across the table from Anna Leigh in her Petula Clark costume. I am in heaven right now. They sign a peace treaty (hope there's a notary in that coven or you're going to have a helluva time enforcing that thing) that outlines each of their turfs and guarantees neither will enter the other's side. Oh, and no more bloodshed. Ehh, I could see how that could get boring after a while. Marie tells Chantal the truce is over now, and to get out of her way. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Cordelia takes a moment away from planning a war with a voodoo queen to call her husband, who is on a "foreman job" in "Baton Rouge." Classic Lifetime movie husband lying! There's a young babe at his door named KAYLIE (of course her name's KAYLIE), and he rushes off the phone so that he can have very rough missionary sex with her while his black out like demon's eyes. Ok! She doesn't seem into the sex, but she's clearly very into him. By the way, the girl is Alexandra Breckenridge, the sexy maid from Season 1, which is a nice little fan service.
LaLaurie and Cordelia are tending to Queenie when she suddenly wakes from her coma screaming, asking if she's dead. LaLaurie approaches her and sincerely thanks her for saving her life. She's apparently forgotten that she's immortal, but I suppose it's the thought that counts when it comes to these things. Queenie doesn't quite let her off the hook, but she doesn't seem completely opposed to it. Just then Nan comes in declaring that "They're here!" Cordelia's all, "Oh great! The girls are back?" And Nan's like, "No. Are you stupid?"
Speaking of Cordelia, I know this is just the fourth episode of the season, but I feel like Sarah Paulson is a little lost in the mix this season, and that's unfortunate. Pitting her against Jessica Lange last season was such a perfect match, and this weak sauce CW network mother-daughter drama thing they're doing this time around isn't working for me like I want it to. Anyway.
Three ominous figures are at the gate, one of whom opens it with a wave of her hand, so we know this trio is a witchy one. Cordelia runs down the stairs to greet them in her nightgown (so you know they're VIPs), but finds them already in the parlor, expectant. They are: Frances Conroy, clearly the ringleader; Leslie Jordan (is a homosexual); and Robin Bartlett, looking as stern and buttoned-up as she did as Michelle Pfeiffer's ball-busting principal in Dangerous Minds. Fun!
They make up the Council on Witchcraft, and they only assemble under the "gravest of circumstances." Cordelia just immediately stuffs her foot right into her mouth, all "I know why you're here! It's because of that Minotaur attack on Queenie, right?" But no, that is not why they're here. So before they explain why they actually are there, she mouth diarrheas that she may have kind of violated the truce with Marie a little bit. But that isn't why they're here either. Before she can spill even more beans, Fiona appears and tells her to "Stop. Talking." Where were you two secrets ago, Fiona?
Fiona lets us in on the Council members' names by way of zings. Frances Conroy is Myrtle Snow, and she has developed "a sense of style while no one was watching"; Leslie Jordan is Quentin, a "vicious old queen"; Robin Bartlett is Pimbrooke, and all she gets from Fiona is a derisive laugh. Who's the vicious old queen now, Fiona?
Myrtle explains that they were summoned by one of her students. Nan takes triumphant credit for tattling, saying she requested that they investigate Madison's disappearance because she can't hear her thoughts anymore and therefore must have perished. If found guilty of the murder of another witch by the Council, the punishment is death by fire. So stakes are slightly high. Fiona's aura of confidence dims for a split-second, but I think we both know she'll bounce right back.
In the front yard, Spalding is building a giant scarecrow/wicker man/effigy… thing. Once he places it's head on its body he strikes a victorious pose and then gives his creation a big bear hug. Almost too normal, that guy.
And the inquiry begins, Myrtle the leader and Pimbrooke the stenographer. Cordelia tells them that she frequently doesn't see Madison for days because she's a drunken slut and you can't control those. Fair enough. They ask Zoe if Madison seemed particularly powerful, and she says no, she had movie star "It Girl" energy, but nothing else of note. Queenie echoes what Cordelia said, albeit a bit more colorfully: "If she's dead it's probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a handjob." I mean, if I didn't know better I would say that's what makes the most sense.
Later, Cordelia spills that Madison had recently developed a telekinetic power that she was having difficulty controlling, and Nan corroborates while carving a pumpkin, which is amazing. "Oh yes, thank you for coming when I called. I will be doing my crafts while you conduct this interview I asked for." They're all very interested in the telekinesis, and whether or not Fiona knew about it. They know how Fiona feels about Supremes who aren't her. I just tried to come up with a Diana Ross joke to put here for about 20 minutes and didn't like any of them. So just know that there's supposed to be one here and let your brain fill in the rest. I swear there's a good Mahogany one somewhere in there. I know it.
Back in Cordelia's husband's hotel room, Kaylie is making him soup she found in the vending machine outside. What a woman! She marvels at the wonders of big city living – back home, all you can get from a vending machine is "pop and Reese's." Then she recoils at the concept of sushi, so, oh boy. She's a simple girl. And a giant dork! She found him in an online community of Thomas Kinkaide superfans, and she knows he's not a cheater because she knows him. Well, yeah, about that? He comes over and starts nuzzling her neck, and it's a very tender moment… until he pulls out a gun and shoots her in the head. Bye, sexy maid from Season 1! We'll all miss you.
Fiona on the stand. As you'd imagine, she doesn't take kindly to the inquiry and finds about 80 different ways to tell the Council to go fuck themselves. Myrtle is calling her out for all the paperwork and schmoozing she's neglected over the years in favor of gallivanting about the globe, and Fiona grows more and more tired of her accusations with each one. Quentin, on the other hand, is eating it up. At the mention of a form that went unsigned he screeches "You go!" at Myrtle. Bureaucratic dra-ma.
Myrtle finally gets to the pertinent point that this is the second time a witch has gone missing from Miss Robichaux's, and in both cases Fiona was the last one to see them alive.
Flashback to the inquiry into Anna Leigh's disappearance, a different Council questioning young Fiona while she cries big crocodile tears and feeds them a story about Anna Leigh taking a fine bottle of wine as a "peace offering" to someone. They infer that this means Anna Leigh went to make nice with Marie Laveaux and for some reason Marie reacted to a nice bottle of wine with… murder? With Anna Leigh out of the picture, they make Fiona honorary Supreme. How wonderful is it that the coven uses the same naming conventions as child pageants?
At Fiona's Supreme-Elect ceremony a much younger and more properly groomed Spalding pours her champagne while a young Myrtle looks on in disgust. Their feud goes way back to high school, so this is somewhat personal between them. Myrtle accuses Fiona of murder right to her face, and Fiona responds with a classic popular girl "fuck off" head cock. But Myrtle doesn't care because she is in charge of the Veracity department (she actually says something to this effect) in the coven, and therefore it is her duty to do some underhanded secret magic shit to bring Fiona to justice. God. What a hall monitor.
Later that night Myrtle casts a truth spell, and at dinner she tells Pimbrooke that she cast it on Spalding's tongue. With the way that he dotes on her, if she did something to Anna Leigh, he would know about it, and he's due to be questioned by the Council tomorrow morning. We all see where this is going.
Cut to all the girls running panicked throughout the house while Spalding screams in agony on a bathroom floor, bleeding profusely out of his mouth. His tongue is lying behind him, a straight edge razor blade to it, and Fiona by his side. All signs point to her having one of her signature self-preservation moments and cutting out a man's tongue. Teenagers!
Back in the present, Fiona is rightly pointing out that Myrtle hasn't proven anything, so why are they even doing this anymore? Myrtle tells her because she has a book of matches in her pocket and she's "just dying to light this fire." Pimbrooke pauses typing and Myrtle orders her to "Leave it in!" Bad-ass. She then calls Spalding to the stand, but allows Fiona and Cordelia to remain in the room to watch.
She asks him point blank who the monster was who dismembered him all those years ago, and offers him protection against the witch responsible. Spalding looks back at Fiona and steps forward to write his answer down in front of Quentin. Fiona actually looks unsure of what he's going to do for a moment. He hands the note to Myrtle, and when she opens it up we see that it says "Myrtle Snow."
Flash to Spalding eavesdropping on young Myrtle telling Pimbrooke all about enchanting his tongue. We see him in a bathroom, coolly examining his straight edge razor. There is a knock at the door, and Fiona enters, clearly annoyed, saying she got his note. He thanks her and tells her these are his last words: "I have always loved you." She is freaked out by the words, but apoplectic at him picking up the razor, pulling out his tongue and sawing away. Spalding making a bid for the best friend title too! You go, Spalding.
Present Myrtle Snow has herself a good old-fashioned Frances Conroy freak-out, and it is glorious. She screams and rails against Fiona, accusing her of both murders and shrieking that she keeps getting away with it, and it is all beautifully absurd melodrama. France Conroy is such a gift that keeps on giving, isn't she? Cordelia interjects to say she's wrong if she thinks Fiona killed Madison because she was afraid she would be the Supreme. Myrtle calls her a "chippie," which is one of the hottest insults you will ever hear. But you see, young Supremes have to be in perfect health, and Madison had a secret heart murmur that she had to monitor. Are heart murmurs even a big deal? I thought they weren't, but everyone seems completely convinced by this new information. Fiona and Spalding conceal their "oh shit!" expressions, but they are most certainly there just the same. Whoops.
Scenes of trick or treaters enjoying Halloween at dusk, even stopping by for some candy from Chantal at Marie's salon. In the back, Marie is performing the spell we saw in the beginning of the episode, so we know there are going to be zombies any minute. And, of course, zombies quickly start popping up out of the ground like maniacs while Marie writhes around wearing albino pythons like 2001 Britney.
Madame LaLaurie is, hilariously, on candy duty, and annoyed that trick or treaters – whom she calls "little beggar children dressed up all fancy" – are taking too much candy. Finally, we can all agree with Madame LaLaurie on something. As she shuts the door on a round of kids, she slyly pops a candy in her mouth, which I really hope was a Kathy Bates ad-lib. Upstairs, Nan is lighting a candlelit vigil for Madison while Zoe and Queenie abstain and call her morbid. Nan insists that Madison is indeed dead, and Zoe says that what they should actually be doing is going out and looking for her, not making useless shrines to her. Obviously, she just wants to go out and find Kyle, as if she'd have any idea what to do if she found him, but Fiona has them all on house lockdown, so it'll have to wait.
It's tea party time in Spalding's house of doll horrors, this time with a few festive Halloween Hershey's kisses at each place. He puts on a frilly chiffon housecoat and a bonnet, then retrieves an old timey lace wedding dress and carries it over… to Madison's half-naked corpse, which he has put a ton of whore makeup on and positioned with a tea cup in a rocking chair. Just a very normal guy, that Spalding!
Fiona and Cordelia go out drinking to celebrate their victory over the Council. Fiona orders her a Maker's neat, which is disgusting. Once you start drinking other, better bourbons, Maker's tastes awful. It's very sad. Anyway, Cordelia wants to play a "game" where they ask each other three questions and promise to answer truthfully. Cordelia starts with asking Fiona why she hates her husband Hank, and wonders if it isn't maybe because she's attracted to him. Fiona laughs at that and explains that no, the reason she doesn't like Hank is because "he reeks of bullshit." Ding ding! Cordelia downs her Maker's and they order another round, caring not that they usually cost about 12 bucks a pour. Millionaire Witches, coming to Bravo this fall. Cordelia moves on to question number two: Did she kill Madison? Fiona dismissively answers that no, she did not, anyway, moving on, who do you think is the Supreme? Cordelia doesn't let her off the hook, and calls her out on being obsessed, and it's probably because her power is weakening. Which is just not what you say to Fiona, whether it's true or not.
Cordelia takes a bathroom break to vomit up all that Maker's (what did I say), but when she goes to the sink to wash her face, someone in a black, hooded cloak walks up to her and THROWS ACID ON HER FACE. Oh man. This is the thing about this show. It taps into the far corners of my irrational fears to dig up the deep tracks. I have had serious concerns about acid ending up on my face ever since I saw Crazy Love, and these concerns were only made worse by that disgusting (but awesome) scene in Let the Right One In. So I'm adding this to the roster and commissioning an acid-proof face mask that I will wear always.
More trick or treaters for Madame LaLaurie, followed by the hunky door neighbor, who comes bearing cookies for Nan! What a dreamboat! Before anyone can eat any cookies (I'd have chowed down on at least three in five seconds they've been in the house, but that's just me) there are three loud knocks on the door. Uh oh. LaLaurie opens it to find – what else? – zombies! And not just any zombies. These are the undead corpses of her three daughters. She bursts into tears and slams the door, but that's not going to be much of a defense against the dozens of armed zombies (they all have axes and such) making their way to the front door. I'd still rather have that than a face full of acid. Just saying.
week: Zombies! More Council! Fiona burns somebody at the stake! Hopefully we get more information about this doll situation going on with Spalding! OMG. I love this show.
Mindy Monez is not the baddest witch in town, not even close. She barely cracks the top 10. But follow her on Twitter @garnisheater anyway!