Once again with the white-on-black titles. Then this pretty dark-haired girl is walking down some steps with huge bunch of balloons, many of which have charming little messages on them like "I Love You" and crap like that. So the girl approaches a car and Mouth is driving and the girl tries to shove the balloons into the back seat, and I'm thinking maybe they're on their way to some party or something. But then we're in somebody's living room and the girl is on a sofa and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD MOUTH IS KISSING HER. ON THE LIPS. HARD. Can it be? Is it possible? Does Mouth actually have a girlfriend? I think I may be sick.
Then, in what has definitely become a tradition, Mouth (okay, Hank4 has demanded I use his new-fangled nickname for Mouth -- heretofore Mouth shall be known as Puck Lite) kicks off the show with a video diary entry. The aforementioned balloons are drifting around in front of his face. "See these balloons?" says Puck Lite. "Well they're from Salima, my girlfriend." Oh God. Puck Lite goes on to say that he thought it would be cute if he kept the balloons in his room, and that he tied them down but they drifted over to him anyway, probably because Puck Lite has such a magnetic personality or something. He then says that he woke up in the middle of the night and saw these three floating objects in the room and thought that aliens had come to give him an "anal rectal exam." I wish.
After our favorite edgy credit sequence, I recoil in horror at the sight of Puck Lite reclining on a bed, wearing scary Walgreen's-type sunglasses as he uses his "porn-star" voice to say, "Hi. I'm Morgan." Ew. Then a few of the kids get a chance to put their two cents in on various subjects, but the general theme seems to be that of "making your mark on this world" or "dreams are what you make of them." I can't really get why this episode is called "Boogie Nights" from the little video snippets. All I know is that Kaytee thinks she "could die tomorrow," and that Brad is "pretty ambitious" and he likes to grind against girls in discos or something, and that Suzy wears really bad dresses and wants to be an opera singer.
Then we're in someone's rec room (I know it's a rec room because Brad's sitting on a pool table, and there's a pinball machine in the corner, and it looks like you have to go upstairs to get to the outside world -- wait, maybe it's that bar I was in last night), watching as Brad and some of his friends sort of dance around to some jammin' tunes. Brad says that there's this dance show that HPHS puts on every year and it's a pretty big deal, and he decided to choreograph a dance with some of his buddies. Brad loves dancing because he can be free and he can be who he wants to be, and there are people around him who are diggin' his righteous moves and "eating it up." Good evening, Brad. How about a piece of humble pie with that ego entree?
Brad and his small band of merry Macarenas troop over to the school for the audition, and the girl that I have come to call "Princess Ballbuster" says that she feels like she's going to an audition that's going to affect the rest of her senior year. Yes. Yes, it will, Your Highness. And not in a good way. Or is it considered "good" that all of the kids you find to dance in your little free-for-all will come to revile you before the school year comes to a close?
Apparently, HPHS has either waaaaaay too much money or they're starting their very own Riverdance, because the Macarenas show up for the choreography audition in a dance studio the size of Madonna's bank account. Brad explains in a voice-over that if you're going to be a choreographer, you have to audition your piece before a committee of judges before you can even audition for the actual dance show. Kinda like Flashdance -- but without the welding.
So, the Macarenas do their little dance, make a little love, get down tonight -- oops, sorry, got kind of lost in K.C. and the Sunshine Band-land. As they trip the light fantastic, Brad says that there's "a definite convention in terms of the roles of the guys and the girls," and that he wanted to sort of play with that and show that "guys can dance and that girls can dance with them." No, really, Brad? No way. I had no idea that guys and girls can actually dance together. No wonder I never get laid at dance clubs.
One of the judges instructs Brad to "be more physical." Please don't. I get the impression that the judge who gives Brad this instruction is really into the dance, and so is this other judge, who looks kind of like Marilyn Quayle on a bad hangover day. But there's this one judge who doesn't say anything who looks like she's just done two shots of Cuervo and is reconsidering that plate of sushi she had for lunch. I guess she doesn't pull any weight, though, because the Macarenas make the cut and now have to hold tryouts for the gaggle of students they're going to need to realize their dancin' dream.
At the tryouts, I'm pretty much stunned to see that our dear little Puck Lite is auditioning. He looks like a fool in his baseball cap and dumb silver necklace, but he's there, baby. I'm so proud of my little Pucky. The princess of pain is already ordering people around, and Puck Lite is trying to follow her terse instructions. Puck Lite says in a voice-over that he's done break-dancing before, but never anything like this. He didn't really want to do it at all, but when some girl started grinding against him to the music, he thought, "This isn't bad." It's alllllll about the booty, Pucky. Remember that.
This dance show must be a pretty big deal, because there are tons of kids clamoring to get into it and the halls are riddled with hopefuls, stretching and limbering up. Including Puck Lite's piece of ass -- oops. I mean, "girlfriend". Brad says that "some girls wait all year for this" and that there's "a lot of competition, but that's how it goes with sports and that's how it goes with life." Yes, Brad. Life is just one big high-school dance show competition. At least, that's what my parole officer told me.
Here at the auditions, we meet Suzy. She's a tall, big-boned girl with a sweet face who feels "like a cow" because she's not the size of an anorexic Barbie doll. She says that she has a bad image and that she's working against that. I feel you, Sister Suzy. Many a time there was in high school when I felt like I was the antithesis of attractive just because my hair was red and my skin was pale and all the other little chippies had perfect blonde hair and perfect tan skin. Just you wait, Suze. At your ten-year high school reunion, all those bitches will have dark roots and skin like leather. But I'm not bitter.
Suzy sucks it up and goes through with the audition, and Salima, looking for all the world like Pocahontas, puts her foot in and gives it the old college try as well. Puck Lite watches her as she auditions and says, "The farther we get into this audition, the less I want her to make it. There's some, like, girls coming through legs, butts flyin' everywhere and hands wandering..." And this particularly hot chick dances by Puck Lite, and Puck Lite pretty much looks at her like her butt's on fire and he wants to put it out with his tongue. He totally gets caught looking by the camera crew and stares directly into the camera as if to say, "I am soooooo not gonna make it through this thing without a boner."
The cast list goes up, and everyone pushes around it to see if they were lucky enough to get in. Some kids I don't know get all excited and hug each other. I don't know why they would show that -- who cares if some random kids get into "Dance HP"? I know I don't. Suzy then hugs one of her low-self-esteem compatriots and looks all sad. Guess she didn't make it. And Puck Lite looks at the list and discovers that his little pop tart didn't make it, but he did. Salima's very disappointed and Puck Lite says, "I feel really bad because she didn't make it and it was, like, I wanted her to make it so she could feel better about herself and I could stand up there and be proud of her and stuff. It's like, you know, the thing that boyfriends wait for where they get to hold you and comfort you." Shit. Puck Lite is pretty much touching the sky at the top of my coolness ladder right about now. "boner" comment notwithstanding.
After the commercial, wherein we have to suffer through yet another "Bolt" ad, which still baffles me because I still don't know what the hell it is and the commercials aren't doing a damn thing to shed any light on my confusion, we meet up with Brad as he puts up some of his artwork in a glass display. Brad tells us that when he was young and his parents said "go to your room," he was all cheesed off at first, but soon realized that he liked being in his room because it meant he could draw and not have to talk to anyone. "Art is dear to me, it's part of my life, it is my therapy. It prevents me from going insane," Brad intones as he wears a really ugly red t-shirt.
Back at Baryshnikov Central, Brad is talking about how dancing lets him express himself and "therefore, I find it annoying when other people trivialize it." The object of his annoyance seems to be Puck Lite, who's sticking his half-a-butt out and wiggling it around as he says, "Damn I got this ass!" Yes, Puck Lite, we all have an ass. That doesn't mean we have to act like one.
And now it's time for dinner at Supportive Parents R Us, a.k.a. "Puck Lite's House," and Salima's joining them for some stir-fry. In a voice-over, Puck Lite says, "Sometimes if I'm bored I'll think up ways to make Salima jealous. I am the biggest asshole for doing this in the world!" Way to construct a sentence, Puck Lite. Then I think one of Puck Lite's pieces of ass on the side calls right in the middle of dinner without leaving a message. "Another one of your sophisticated girls," says Father of the Year.
Puck Lite goes on to say that he loves it when Salima gets jealous because she's so cute when she has fury in her eyes. Salima then clues us into the double standard that Puck Lite subscribes to, namely, that Salima can't talk to other guys because it makes Puck Lite jealous, but all of Puck Lite's friends are girls and Salima just has to suck it up and deal with it. "He doesn't understand how much it bothers me," says Salima as she flips Puck Lite the double bird. I think Salima and Saran-Wrap should get together so Salima can loan Saran-Wrap a portion of her chutzpah.
Then we're over at Suzy's house. "It sucks," says Suzy, "to be overweight. Can't stick to a diet. No self control." I'm already feeling bad for her when she starts putting on a lot of glittery make-up and tells us that "make-up is like my security make-up thing." Suzy then models what I think is a relatively attractive outfit for her father as she says in her voice-over, "I can tell when my dad looks at me, he's thinking that I need to lose weight."
And here's where I mentally pick up a crossbow and aim directly for Suzy's dad. Because, in an interview, Suzy and her dad are sitting on this sofa and her dad says, "This is my baby daughter, Suzanne. And when she was three weeks old, I carried her on my shoulders. And that was the last time I could do it." Oh. My. God. I'm thinking that Puck Lite's dad and Suzy's dad should get together and take an extended vacation to hell in the immediate future. ["Word. What is up with these dads? My dad is no saint but he would never have talked that kind of shit to me." -- Sars]
Suzy's then at school and observing that all the girls are much more beautiful and thin than she is, and how she hates it in Highland Park because of this. Then she's onstage with some people, which I guess means that she managed to get in the dance show, and she says, "If I could change one thing about myself, it would be to have more control over myself. Not be a flailing, emotional psycho. I want to control my own destiny." Oh, baby, perk up. Some day you will. Just not today.
Then we're back with the Macarenas, and Princess Ballbuster is going off on one of her dancers. "Julie, do you think you have special privileges?" she snaps at some girl. "Being a bitch is not going to win me over, Michelle," Julie retorts. So now I know Princess's given name. So fucking what. She'll always be PB to me. ["Furthermore, go Julie." -- Sars]
Puck Lite finally shows up, and apparently he's extremely late. Shocker. And Brad's having rage issues because this whole dance show thing that he's concocted is much more strenuous than he initially thought it would be. Shocker Part Deux. Puck Lite is screwing up left and right, and PB is all over him. "If you come back and we have to keep going over it," she screeches, "you will not be in a lot of sections at all. We cannot keep going over this." Power sucks, don't it, Princess?
After rehearsal, Puck Lite is driving home wearing a good and ugly sparkly black shirt and yammering on about how he screwed up intentionally just so the dance instructor chicks would grind all over him or something. Then he says that he thinks he's gay because "he wants to do it all the time, it's so much fun." Huh? Is that the girl grinding or the dancing, Puck Lite? Because neither one seems to lead me in the direction of homosexuality. Not really.
Brad then spouts off about having a focus and focusing on something that you really desire. I think Brad should write a self-help book for teens, cuz he's just chock-full of wisdom. Then Brad's at some art show and Kaytee's there. I don't know if Kaytee and Brad even know each other, but they're talking about some piece on the wall. Then Brad says, "There's a lot of baggage that comes with being gay." No shit, Sherlock. In an interview, Brad's mum says, "I had known that Brad was gay probably since he was eight." She goes on to say that you don't look at your kids sexually at eight. I know what she means, but it still sounds kinda nasty. She continues talking about what worries come along with your child being homosexual and winds up just saying that your concern is just for their well being, not for their sexual orientation. Brad's mom rules.
It's two weeks to the dance show now, and our mighty troop of Macarenas is being hollered at by PB because they're all screwing up and their ending sucks. Puck Lite sort of hangs out in the back, not dancing, because he's failed to learn a single moment of the routine. PB and Brad have a heated discussion about Puck Lite's lack of commitment, and Brad decides to give him one more chance to learn it or they're kicking him out. PB says, "Then I'm the bitch. I don't want to be the bitch." Too late, Princess.
Puck Lite then seems to dedicate himself to working on it. He's talking about how he didn't realize what a big deal this dance show was, and that he doesn't want to screw it up, and that he takes lots of things for granted, including Salima, but that at the bottom of his heart, he loves that girl. Three cheers for Puck Lite! He's going to make a fine man someday. In a voice-over, Salima says, "A lot of people go through life without finding their soul mate." She considers herself lucky to have found Puck Lite because he's, like, her soul mate. Ew.
So then we're at the final dress rehearsal, but then all of a sudden we're not, because we're at the night of the actual show. Whatever. Brad's going on about how on the night of the show everyone's pumped and the adrenaline is rushing through them and blah blah blah egocakes. The show starts and basically confirms that Highland Park High School is breeding a new type of dance troupe that's being primed to take on the world.
Suzy tries not to suck in some "swing" dance piece, and I totally feel bad for because she's kind of, well, sucking. But she gives it the old college try, and her dad hugs her and tells her that he's proud of her, and Suzy cries. Where's the phone? I need to call my mommy.
up, it's Brad's turn. Actually, it's not half bad. Puck Lite sort of kicks out the jams and all the dancers nail it. Puck Lite does this huge gymnastics move in the middle and he rocks. Brad says in a voice-over that he has a lot to offer and basically takes center stage at the end of the dance and has this bright white spotlight on him, showing off his magnificent physique and, yes, I can see that he has a lot to offer. He's going to make some handsome gay man very, very happy someday.
episode: We meet Allie, the school-ditching, tie-dye sporting, child of divorce; Kiwi flubs his one chance to actually get into college; Puck Lite once again takes over the entire show; and the groundbreaking first American High cigarette gets smoked.