Okay, so, after the little mini-recap showing Mouth in the kitchen with the cucumber, Kaytee wearing bizarro white lipstick while singing joyously in the band, and Robby "whole lotta lovin'," we're confronted once again, with the white-on-black Blair Witch-ian credits and then suddenly we're in Morgan the Mouth's room...
...and the camera's careening around because Mouth's a spaz, and Mouth's mum is saying, "Shut that thing off! Right now!" and Mouth's saying, "Can I just film my diary entry?" To which his mother responds, "Clean this room up. RIGHT NOW!" Mouth responds by carrying his video camera down to the kitchen to film his father smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table. (While I won't be dining at Kiwi's "Kitchen of Kool Kuts" anytime soon, remind me also to abstain from dining at Mouth's house as well.) Mouth says, "I'm cleaning my room." His father glares at him and launches into what very well might be his golden shining parental moment: "That's not gonna do anything for me," says Mouth's dad. "If you were a decent student, I wouldn't care if you lived in a pigsty. But you're a lousy student and you live in a pigsty. And you have rotten manners and you have no respect. You are an absolutely obnoxious kid and everything that's good about you only surfaces with people outside this house and people you want to impress." Mouth's troll-like younger brother Duncan then flips Mouth the finger and attempts to scurry off to a swamp somewhere as Mouth's oh-so-supportive father physically launches himself at Mouth and his camera and yells, "Get out of here!" and Mouth flings himself up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him so he can be alone with his thoughts. Which, as it turns out, are somewhere along the lines of "Like I said, my mom and dad are real pricks."
And we're in the American High car, driving down the Highland Park street toward our introduction...
In what has become the signature lead-in, a brief selection of students spit out singular all-encompassing sentences that give us an idea of what the show is going to be all about. Mouth says, "I'm a front." Sarah says, "I'm so not what people think." Robby says, "Growing up is figuring out who you are." Brad gives us a mouthful of "Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? It would be really hard to come up with an answer. Really hard." Thanks, David Foster Wallace, Jr. Then Kaytee wraps it all up with "Am I different or am I just saying I'm different?" Both, K-girl. Both.
Then Kaytee appears to be getting interviewed at the DMV, because she's sitting in front of this huge blue curtain and she's saying how she hooked up with a bunch of weird kids and by default became weird herself. Isn't that always the way? You're never actually just weird -- it's everyone else who's freaky. Really. So Kaytee says that she started listening to Nirvana and worshipping Kurt Cobain, which made her want to pick up a guitar and learn how to play. I'm thinking that it's fortunate our little Kaytee picked up that particular instrument instead of the other instrument Kurt was fond of, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Kaytee's so dedicated to her instrument of choice that she apparently carries it everywhere so she can break into improvisational sing-song at any given moment. Which she's doing right now IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME HALLWAY AT SCHOOL. Gah. She's surrounded by some kids who are, I'm assuming, other musicians, because some of them are scribbling on sheet music. Or maybe they're just Kaytee's worshipping fans and this is their notepaper of choice. So Kaytee's strumming away, and she's not all that bad, and several little girls gaze at her adoringly. Hey, every self-taught female singer/guitarist with funky glasses needs her own proto-lesbian fan base.
Back at the DMV, Kaytee's saying, "My songs are mostly about what's around me. I think right now I'm really into trying to figure out who I am. Which is really cheesy, but..." And this is where I jump firmly onto the Kaytee Fan Bus and wave good-bye, because she says that "who I am" line in this completely goofy voice which suggests that Kaytee realizes how lame she sounds, but she's still trying to figure it all out anyway, and I dig her for that.
Then Mouth is skitching along in some stairwell and he suddenly stops and says, "S**t. Gotta go to detention." As he enters the designated detention classroom, we hear him say in a voice-over, "Who am I? Most people perceive me as sort of the class clown, which is true...my whole personality is a front. One minute I'll want to save the world and the I'll want to destroy it." Kinda like "Dr. No" or "Lex Luthor," right?
In detention, Mouth's gettin' mouthy with some chubster female cop/security guard/mall officer. Wow. Highland Park High School must be much more violent than I remember. When I was there for a football game back in high school, the most violent act I recall witnessing was when some helmet-head pantsed a tuba player at half time.
So Mouth says to Sergeant Sausage, "Did you go to prom?" Which actually makes me laugh out loud, because it's sooooo obvious that the only way Detective Doughnut would have attended any prom, anywhere, would have been as a limo driver. (Wait a minute...I didn't go to prom either...dammit...where's that high-school security guard application...and someone pass the bacon.) Officer Oatmeal snaps at Mouth, "No, I didn't go to prom. But I'm gonna tell you one thing: if I had some duct tape, I'd be duct-taping your mouth." Um. What the hell does duct tape have to do with prom? Is that the only way Security Specialist Spam could get a date for the prom -- by abducting some hapless weakling and duct-taping him into submission? I shudder at the mental image...
Anyway, we're now in Mouth's kitchen, and his "I'm-all-here-for-you-son-but-NOT" parental father-type is after him about something or other, and it's not until Mouth goes to some cabinet and takes out a scrip bottle that we find out that Mouth has ADD, and miraculously, many of Mouth's faults just fly out the window on little butterfly wings. Sort of.
So Mouth's proud papa drives him to the doctor (or the therapist -- I can't actually divine which type of practitioner they're going to see). But when Daddy gets out of the car, Mouth stays put and won't get out. "I don't wanna go," he says. His papa calls him a "baby" and, even though Mouth must be a real handful of a kid, I can't help but feel kind of bad for him. I also can't help wanting to rip the antenna off Daddy-o's minivan and poke him in the eyeball with it.
In the doctor's office, some gargoyle creature from an alternate universe is jabbing Mouth in the arm with a needle, ostensibly to draw blood, but I'm pretty much thinking she's gonna drink that later. Mouth then slouches in a chair, talking to his doctor, and they discuss all the drugs that Mouth's been on, including such favorites as Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Zoloft. I'd cry right now if I weren't such an evil bitch.
up, we have to endure a slapdash montage of the kids getting ready for school, and then Robby is being driven around by his friend Brad, the "Super-Out Gay Teen." As Robby and Brad discuss the reality of God in present-day America (gulp), we hear Robby in a voice-over telling us that he and Brad became really close during junior year because they have other shit on their minds. Well, actually, Robby said "s**t," but that's what he meant. In an interview, Brad says that Robby's awesome and that he's been there since day one. I'm assuming Brad means that Robby's been there for him since day one and not that Robby's just been, like, over at his house since day one.
Looks like we're up for Brad's first solo segment now. Brad's saying that freshman year was when he first realized that he was gay, but that he didn't tell anyone and it tore him apart. Then Robby's being interviewed about Brad coming out to him and how in the split second that he, Robby, didn't respond, Brad's eyes were, like, totally lost. ("He looks weird," says Hank4. "I can't put my finger on it...I've got it! He's got this scraggly-ass beard but no moustache. He looks unfinished.") Then Robby literally makes my jaw drop to the floor with his response. "You know what Brad? That's cool. You know, I still love you." Okay, did Robby just jump about four billion steps on my cool scale or what? Yeah, he's got a vapid, Saran-Wrappy girlfriend (ooooh...just thought of a nickname for Sarah...), but he's definitely got potential.
Brad and Saran-Wrap are sitting somewhere at the high school, and we hear Brad say, "I'm still trying to figure out what being gay and being a teenager is all about." ("Swing Out Sister," says Wendy. "I could barely figure out what being gay and being a college student was all about.") We then see Brad and Robby sitting in what I assume is Brad's room, since there aren't any animal-print sheets in evidence. Oh, and Saran-Wrap isn't Velcroed to the bed with her permanent pout.
So, they're studying and Robby says, "Sarah thinks that you want me." Brad turns eighteen shades of sunset and responds, "Great. That's just what I need." And then he says something that makes my eyebrows permanently rise: "Why would she care?" Okay, Brad? That pretty much tells me right there that you do want Robby in the baddest way possible. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Brad then says that he wishes he had other gay friends because he feels like he's "missing so much." And, truthfully, he probably is. It's hard enough being a straight teenager in this day and age, ya know? ("Hallelujah," says Wendy, lighting another Benson & Hedges Ultra 100.) Then Robby and Brad are lounging around on Brad's bed (more points for the Robster!), filming themselves (no, not THAT kind of film), and Robby says, "You wanna see Brad get horny?" and then Robby leans down, and I think -- I'm not sure, but I think -- Robby gives Brad a belly-fart, but it's sorta like a mock blow-job, and then Brad pushes Robby off the bed as Robby shouts out, "Brad has a boner!" And before we can witness evidence to the contrary, we go to commercial.
After a preview of the new Fox series Dark Angel (snicker snicker), we return to American High and their usual "kids being kids" intro montage, this time with Mouth as the primary subject.
We learn that Mouth is actually failing gym, which seems like quite a feat considering that even I managed to pass phys ed -- pack-a-day habit and weak knees notwithstanding. Mouth says, "I don't pass high school, I can't go to college. If I can't go to college, I can't get a career. If I can't get a career then I might as well pump gas. Not that pumping gas is a bad job." ("No," says Hank4. "Gas pumping is a perfectly respectable profession. And you get to meet lots of hot chicks while you're wiping their windows with a squeegee.")
So Mouth passes this sign in the school hallway that says "RESUME SERVICE" and he asks Jabba the Hutt, oops, I mean Lieutenant Potato Chips, what "RESUME SERVICE" means. And First Mate Fettuccini pipes up that it means you can learn how to write a résumé. In a dejected tone, Mouth says, "That's my education right there." Note to Mouth: not that it would have helped, sweetie, but the dipshits who made the sign might wanted to have spelled the name of their little service correctly in the first place. You know, like "résumé"? Or maybe I'm just being picky...
Then Mouth (or, as Hank4 has come to refer to him, "Puck Lite") sees some posting for a job that involves teaching gymnastics to disabled kids. And, surprise surprise, Mouth decides to go for it. Mouth is joining Robby on the cool ladder. So Mouth goes home and tells his dad about how he's going to teach disabled kids gymnastics on Saturdays. And here I start looking for a sharp implement to shove up Dad's nose, because his response to Mouth's news is, "Good job. Hope they pay you lots of money...and it goes right into the gas tank of my car." Do you think the producers would let me adopt Mouth? I have GOT to get him away from this man.
We leave Mouth behind for the moment and are introduced to Kaytee, the resident Ani DiFranco wannabe. Kaytee enters her house and calls out to her mother. Her mother can't hear her, because she's way too involved being INSANE at the moment. For a second here, I think I've inadvertently changed the channel to some HBO documentary on mental patients, because there's this woman with seriously whacked-out hair standing in front of a parrot cage, and she's squawking and flapping her arms, and then she's laughing and laughing and laughing and -- OH DEAR GOD, THAT'S KAYTEE'S MOTHER!
Kaytee goes into her room to avoid her mentally defective parental unit, and she tells us that she's thinking about college, even though she's just a junior, and she's thinking about jobs, even though she's only sixteen. Of course you are, Kaytee. I would be too if my mother were pulling an Ace Ventura with a shrieking parrot.
At some point, Kaytee's mother invades her room and spews out that Kaytee shouldn't go to college and that she should just move to some fabulous place somewhere and she should have her own apartment and she should do something in art or writing or music. Uh, okay, Moonflower. Pass the acid and let's call it a day, shall we? Why don't you concentrate on ruining your own life and leave the child's future alone. I don't want to have to come over there.
Kaytee then says that she loves songwriting but that music is "so hard." Her friend Barry has a band that plays in coffeehouses, and they're "out to change the world." Not if Barry's doing the singing, Kaytee dear. His band sounds just fine, until Barry opens up his huge trap and makes my ears bleed. ["And who names their child 'Barry' in this day and age, anyway?" -- Sars] Kaytee claims that she wants to be a coffeehouse musician and wants to sing songs for the rest of her life, but that she "doesn't want to be a bum anymore." Well, in my book, Kaytee, teaching yourself guitar, writing your own songs, and attempting normalcy while living with a nutcase don't really qualify you for official "bum" status.
There's a new school day a-brewin', and Brad's ruminating about needing to bond with the few teenagers out there who have stepped outside the walk-in closet. So he goes to this drop-in center where the Alliance Group is having a meeting. Brad reiterates a story about how someone in the locker room used the word "faggot," and that Brad spoke up and said he didn't appreciate that kind of language. You go, Bradley! And Brad now joins Robby and Mouth on the ladder of cool. (At this point I'm getting kinda bummed because I'm starting to like these kids and I was really, really looking forward to a season of soulless hatred...oh, well.)
And, in a time-crunch reminiscent of Real World and Road Rules, the school day hath ended, and we see several of our little kiddies wandering off to their after-school activities. And Mouth heads into the North Shore Senior Center where I'm thinking he's going to teach disabled kids gymnastics, even though we're led to believe that the school day just ended and Mouth previously mentioned that his job is actually on Saturday...but I digress.
So Mouth is talking about how he's had a couple jobs that sucked. All jobs suck, Mouth. Even the well-paying ones. Then, as we watch Mouth teaching the kids how to stretch and roll around on the mats (kinda like my yoga class that I never go to), we hear him say, "The second I got five minutes into it, I'm having fun with the kids, the kids are having a great time with me. I get to be a kid. And still, like, take care of kids. And it's just awesome." Mouth doesn't think it's so awesome a couple seconds later when he meets Mark. Mouth is teaching (or should I say trying to teach) Mark how to do a cartwheel. Somehow, somewhere, Mouth says something that just doesn't sit well with Mark and suddenly Mark goes ballistic, tossing a relatively large castle made of mats off to the side and stalking off. ("Mark the Defeatist," says Hank4.) Mouth gets lectured by some sort of counselor about seeing it from Mark's side and how it has to be hard taking orders from someone who's younger than you, and Mouth looks all depressed. Buck up, little soldier! Just wait until you get to the corporate world -- people who are younger than you are always ordering you around! It's loads o' fun!
After a commercial for a terrifying new Winona Ryder film, we return to yet another school day and Brad in art class. Brad's art teacher holds up a picture that Brad has produced, and it's sort of a close-up of a guy's face with a huge open mouth. The teacher says, "If the idea, the concept, is 'things oral'...exaggerate things oral. Make it dramatically obvious. Make a statement." I have absolutely no smart remarks on this one. I think it speaks for itself.
Then Brad's in his room, pasting pictures of men in underwear onto some sort of cardboard human silhouette. A "collage of men," if you will. Brad says that it's retaliation against a heterosexual world. "I feel so naughty," says Brad. Giggle giggle and titter titter, Brad. He shows the completed collage to his younger brother, who calls it "interesting." His mom looks at it and says, "It's very cool, actually." His dad comes up and says, "Fantastic." Dad goes on to say that he's not offended, if that was Brad's intention, and that it's artistic and good and "I'm proud of you." Oh, I am soooooo diggin' Brad's family right now.
HOLY CHRIST WHAT'S THAT IN THE CORNER?!? Oh, whew, it's just a plastic yellow hand chair in Kaytee's living room. AAAAAGHHH!!! WHAT'S THAT CREATURE SITTING ON THE TABLE?!? RUN, KAYTEE! RUN! Oh, that's just Kaytee's mother with a towel on her head. Okay, breathe...Kaytee's talking to her Mom about Barry the Bad Singer, and it's pretty obvious that Kaytee's got a hot thang for the Barrster. Mom puts a huge vat of LSD down on the floor and teases Kaytee that when she meets this "Barry" person, she's going to call him "Barry Barry" after some song that Kaytee wrote. After making a mental note to have her mother permanently incarcerated in a padded room, Kaytee tells us that her friends have been goading her into making a demo tape and shopping it around to coffeehouses.
In a basement far, far away, Barry mans the recording equipment while Kaytee sits in front of a microphone singing one of her Joni-Mitchell-but-so-not ditties. Only I'm having doubts that Kaytee's singing at all, because there's this scabby little squid sitting right to her and he's mouthing all the words, and I begin to wonder whether it's not this kid singing and that he's a damn fine ventriloquist. It's not until Kaytee utters the line "We were only friends 'cuz you had a car" that I realize it truly is our bespectacled friend singing and not the mynah bird in the corner.
After finishing the demo, we do a little time warp dance and Kaytee's suddenly walking around to various coffeehouses handing out her demo, hoping that one day soon, she too can be shoved into a corner at Starbucks and get paid in spare change while she bares her soul through her guitar.
Brad's debating whether or not to bring his underwear-boy collage into school. It takes a crucial word from Robby to finally force Brad to step up to the plate. And what is that word, children? That's right: "Pussy." Robby, you motivational bastard. In a voice-over, we hear Brad say, "Where are you going in life? I don't know. The only way you'll know is if you find out who you are. Experience new things." No no no no no, Bradley. The only way you'll know where you're going in life is if you check Mapquest first and then follow the fucking map.
We revisit Mouth and his crew of cacophony over at the senior center. "My whole educational career," Mouth is saying, "I've had special help. I can relate." Then Mark the Defeatist appears with his hand extended and sheepishly shakes Mouth's hand. Mouth tries to teach Mark how to jump over one of those horse thingies (it's called a "horse," right? I'm not delusional, right?), and to Mouth's credit, he's really patient with Mark. After a couple of less-than-successful attempts, Mark finally makes it over the equine-like-leather-thing, and Mouth applauds him. Okay, Mouth, climb right back up onto the rungs of righteousness, baby. Welcome home.
episode: Morgan somehow nabs himself a girlfriend (whether she's a figment of his imagination or not remains to be seen), we watch as Brad puts on his boogie shoes and waggles his bum in front of an audience full of scared parents, and we meet Singin' Suzy, who makes Saran-Wrap look like egomaniac of the year.