Homage to Blair Witch again...please make it stop...
Okay, is it written into Puck Lite's contract somewhere that he starts every damn show? He's totally the star, here. Anyway, Mama Puck Lite is snarking at Puck Lite about failing gym. "How can you fail gym?" she says. "You have to die to fail gym. You have to break both legs. Gym! That's like failing lunch." Puck Lite snaps back, "I'm good at lunch. I'm at level one lunch." Heh. Heh heh. Mama says she doesn't have to do anything but stand there and make tuna, because Papa Puck Lite is going to kill him. Then Puck Lite is doing his video diary. "If we're ditching classes, we know we're gonna fail. We shouldn't have somebody rubbing it in our face...you think we're stupid?"
I love him.
Thirty seconds of edgy intro later...
Robby, Anna, Allie, and Kaytee and some of the other kids all go off in their video diaries about how school sucks and how they hate it and how they all feel pressure to not fail. Hence this episode's title, I guess.
This is our first meeting with Allie, resident Grateful Dead lover and so far the single smoker on the show. Allie tells us that she is just returning to Highland Park from an extended self-made school hiatus. Allie's parents are getting a divorce and she lets it get to her, and it apparently makes her want to ditch school a whole hell of a lot. Within ten seconds of our introduction to Allie, she gets called to the principal's office, ostensibly because of her "elective" attitude toward attendance, but really I think it's because she's wearing tie-dye and it's, I dunno, THE YEAR 2000!
Then Allie's fighting with her mother on the phone, and she really looks exhausted. In a voice-over, Allie says that her mother pretty much lost everything and that they're going to have to sell their house and move into an apartment. I don't blame Allie for ditching school. I'd ditch it too. And probably start drinking heavily by the train tracks.
Allie tries to pull the old "I wrote the paper, but my dad's computer ate it" trick on her teacher. He's so not buying it, but he lets her off, probably because she looks like a forty-five-year-old divorcee with a heroin habit. Puck Lite is in class with her, and he's scrawling on a piece of paper "I love Salima," and Salima's there too, spreading her Puck Lite-love on the chalkboard. Puck Lite says that everyone tells them that "this is just puppy love." But Puck Lite believes that Salima is the best person for him and that he doesn't want to lose that. Awwwwww...gack.
Salima and Puck Lite then share all of their little love tchotchkes with us, and before I can barf up my Top Ramen, Puck Lite is doing his video diary and saying, "There's a lot of girls out there who make the mistake of going out with you in high school. And if they make that mistake, you better give them every reason to love you." Did that just come out of Puck Lite's mouth? Wow.
Allie's driving along in her car singing all the words to this Steve Miller Band song that I can't remember the name of. The fact that Allie knows all the words only reinforces my initial stuck-in-the-sixties opinion of her. In a voice-over, Allie says that her father has a new baby. Oh, wait. A new baby with his girlfriend. The girlfriend that he's basically been knockin' da boots with for quite a long time. Allie's father is a dick. But Allie goes on to say that she really likes her dad's girlfriend, even though she knows she probably shouldn't. The baby projectile vomits onto Allie right after Allie has just delivered a speech on the fact that she couldn't have kids because she couldn't deal with the barfing, and Allie leaves, running into her fuck of a father on the way. She stops and her father says, "I should have known. It's my irresponsible, loving daughter." Hang on, I just have to call the Cosa Nostra and have someone shot...
Allie and her dad are sitting in the kitchen discussing Allie and how she's driving her mother crazy. Double Dick. "Be a little more sensitive to her needs," he says. "I'm seventeen years old, Dad," says Allie. "And I have to deal with all this crap." Her dad just smiles at her as if to say, "Yeah. Thank God you're dealing with it and not me. Boy, I am one lucky bastard." He then tells her, "I told you I was going to buy you some shoes. Doesn't that solve all your problems?" Ring ring. "Hello, Vinny? About that hit man we talked about..."
Returning from commercial, the kids are freaking out about college, and then we're onto Kiwi and his bad haircut. He's blabbing about football and how it's going to be the one thing that's going to get him into college. Apparently, there are going to be some big football scouts at the upcoming game, and Kiwi's allllll about kicking the winning goal. Try picking up a book sometime, Kiwi.
Allie's mom reveals that Allie's been talking about not going to college right away and maybe taking a year off. Wait, didn't she sort of already do that in high school? Another year ain't gonna help ya, kiddo. Anyway, Allie's mom has been called in to talk to a couple of really unattractive women about Allie's attendance issues. Allie shows up and has to talk about how she's doing in school and how she plans on being a June graduate. The general feeling I get from Allie's mom is "Don't hold your breath."
Allie and her mom then walk down the hall, and Allie's trying to argue her idea about the whole year off thing. Her most compelling point is, "I'm sorry. There are people who are thirty and forty years old going to college." Yes, Allie. They're called high-school dropouts. Oh, wait. I took a year off before going to college. Shit. Better check my attitude at the door on this one.
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Puck Lite and Salima are hugging and kissing in the hallway. Ew. In his video diary, Puck Lite tells us that Salima's not doing well in school and that "technically, her parents, they don't want us seeing each other." And then Salima's talking to some teacher about her grade -- OH NO! IT'S CREEPY BATHROOM-STALKING PEDOPHILIAC TEACHER!! RUN SALIMA! RUN!!
So Puck Lite's filling in his buddy on his "emotionally destructive relationship" and how they can't see each other ever again. Puck Lite's friend waxes suicidal and tells this story about some couple who went into a garage, closed the door and turned the engine on and died. Together. Puck Lite, in truly one of his finest moments, just looks at this kid like he's got antlers sprouting from head and says, "F**k it! I'm not gonna kill myself! I've got, like, a whole twenty more years to my life!"
Uh-oh. It's the big game and Kiwi's getting nervous. "Every time I walk out on that field, I'm scared I'm gonna miss," he says. You should be more scared of that terrifying mascot you guys have, Kiwi. What the HELL is that mangy red-haired freak? We catch a glimpse of Kaytee doing her best imitation of a band geek while waving gigantic cymbals above her head. Then the score is tied and we're late in the third quarter, and Kiwi hauls ass out onto the field while his harem cheers him on. I'm fairly pleased to see that his girlfriend (no, not Anna, the other girlfriend...right...that one...over there) is sporting a kerchief on her head, thereby allowing me not to witness her bad root job yet again. So Kiwi makes the big kick and, well, he blows it. Anna practically has a heart attack while kerchief girl looks sort of bemused. God, she's ucky.
Kiwi goes home and talks to his mom in the kitchen. She tries to pump him back up again by telling him he's too hard on himself. "What can I do?" Kiwi questions her rather testily. "There's nothing I can do!" Mother Kiwi has all the answers. "You'll take a hot shower," she says. "And then you'll have something to eat. And you'll feel better." Mother Kiwi then goes ballistic when Kiwi's answer to the question "How many eggs do you want?" is the apparently unacceptable "Four." "Excuse me!" says Mother Kiwi. "Four eggs? Michael, do you know how much cholesterol that is? I don't think you can eat four eggs!" Of course, she goes on to fix him only three eggs. That one missing egg is going to make all the difference, Mother Kiwi. His cholesterol just sank to an all-time low with the subtraction of that one egg. Right.
After coming to the conclusion that all of Kiwi's current problems are "hormonal," Mother Kiwi attempts yet again to boost her son's self-esteem by saying, "If kicking were easy, everyone would be a kicker." Hm. Yeah. Yeah. I see your point. Kiwi isn't falling for it, however. In a diary entry, Kiwi tells us that his birthday's tomorrow and that he doesn't want to get older. He doesn't want to be (gasp!) eighteen. Oh, man. You're stressing about turning eighteen? Why don't you come on over to my personal hell of turning thirty, Langford? The water's still warm...
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It's moving day at Allie's house, and they are wickedly unprepared. Nothing's even in boxes and the movers are already there. Allie and her mom are bitching at each other in the kitchen because Allie wants to leave to do something and her mom wants her to stay and pitch in a little bit more. "Get out," says her mom. "Just go." This situation is making me tense and I'm not even related to either one of them. I need a drink.
Allie lights up our very first official American High cigarette and tells us about her shaky relationship with her mother and father and how even though she doesn't agree or condone what he did to her mom, she still loves him. Allie feels that sometimes her mother hates her because of her love for her father. Divorce sucks. Pretty much.
Allie thinks that a change of location will ultimately help her mother move on. "If I had to move to a shack with my mom," says Allie, "to help her get better, I would." Then Allie and her mom have this really cute little wrestling match on the sofa and they wind up kissing each other (no, not in THAT way), and I'm hoping that in episodes to come that Allie and her mom get through the bad patches and wind up feeling all warm and fuzzy.
And I mean that. Really. I really do.
Oh, shut up.
episode: We meet Pedro and his relationship with drugs; Robby ponders a marriage to Saran-Wrap; Allie and her mom continue the battle; we encounter our very first American High drink-a-thon.
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