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First, let me just say: You guys, I don't even know anymore. If it was Tyra Banks's end-of-season goal to make us feel like we'd entered some sort of altered reality -- a really, really, really dumb one -- then mission accomplished. So, the whole episode is kind of told via flashback (to things that happened mere hours before the runway show), but the actual content of the episode is very similar to finales past. The three finalists have a shoot with Nine West, a company that happens to be a client of Kelly Cutrone. As such, Kelly is very, very, VERY involved with the shoot, and gets a little too up in the photographic grille of Jez Smith. They have quite a mutual smackdown, with Kelly micromanaging, and Jez snittily asking her if she'd like to take the photos herself, and each accusing the other of being rude, and both being right (and wrong!). Producers get involved, and eventually it is determined that Kelly is the boss in this particular situation, and from then on Jez shuts it. All of this fighting happens while Laura is having her photograph taken, and she feels that she has gotten shortchanged and cries about it a whole bunch.
There is also a photo shoot for Nylon, in which Leila flashes her crotch and is deemed the most Nylon-esque of all the girls. During the shoot, the girls are surprised by visits from their families. And yes, this includes Laura's soap opera actor dad and rather desperate, scene-stealing mother. Leila's mom is totally mellow, while Kiara's grandma is completely adorable even while being a huge fan of Tyra Banks.
And then there is the runway show. Sooooooo, it all happens in Rose Hall, which is an allegedly haunted mansion whose "mistress of the house murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own." (Note: in the actual legend, this crazy lady slept with and murdered slaves, which makes this whole scenario even more fucked up than it was to begin with. Also: voodoo.) There is a really priceless short film to introduce the runway show, involving Tyra as narrator and Rob as a hot guy and last cycle's winner Sophie as the ghost who kills all the other models and makes them ghosts too, or maybe zombies, just to get in the pants of Rob. And then we find out who Bloodyface is. (Tyra, obvs.) And then Tyra makes the fashion show audience put on scary masks and utters the words, "Now their spirit bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes." Subsequently, I heard a popping sound in my brain, which was probably some sort of spontaneous lobotomy.
The fashion show features the models in really over the top Gaga-esque ghost brides couture. Some of the gowns have a collar that basically covers half of your face -- I call them "face collars," which is really catchy I know -- and you know that trouble is a-comin'. The season's eliminated models march in the show (minus Victoria! ALAS!), but the real star is Leila, who falls not once (immediately upon setting foot on the stairway leading to the runway) but twice (immediately upon exiting the runway) due to not being able to see anything over her face collar. Her legs splay out just like a little baby dear. She manages not to fall on her second pass, thanks to the technique of walking reeeeeallllllly slow. Kiara is bar none the best walker and even rocks it with the face collar, while Laura is more or less fine.
At panel, the judges give Kiara the highest praise for the runway show, while Leila has the edge on the Nine West photo and is the favorite of Nylon. And yet it's Laura who wins the whole thing! The judges give each girl a numerical score for their performance over the entire season, which is added to their average challenge score and average fan vote. Laura's 41.2 handily beats Kiara (36.6) and Leila (35.2) and there are tears galore. And just when you think that Tyra is going to tell Kiara that, even though she came in second, she can have the scholarship money she earned during her challenge victories... she totally doesn't. That's SO Tyra!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's the Top Model finale! And as it turns out, Tyra has been watching a lot of American Horror Story while also feeling "Ghost Brides" nostalgia. I mean, who isn't, really. But we'll get to all of that in a minute. First it's time to ask the obligatory question, "Who will become America's Top Horror Story?" Will it be Leila, the gap-toothed wonder who made the first ever Top Model comeback thanks to her high-fashion, fan-impressing look? Or will it be Laura, the "curvy" blonde bombshell trying to step out of the shadow of her marginally notable parents? Laura tells us that strong is the new sexy, and strong is the new skinny. I love how they make it out like she's some kind of genre-busting hoss. This is a very skinny girl! And body-wise, I can't believe she's "stronger" than Kiara, the sultry athlete with the hardscrabble past who is a real-ass bitch and probably the most interesting of these three all-around. Note that I didn't say the best model. These three will get to duke it out on the grounds of a haunted Jamaican mansion, for what is billed as a "terrifying runway finale like you've never seen before." Well, the terrifying part is true at least.
And oh my God, you guys. We start out with Tyra Banks addressing the camera directly in some sort of bejeweled bodysuit with an Elizabethan collar, and talking in a manner in which I suppose she believes ghosts talk. Seriously, what is up with her voice? The accent is vaguely that of a 1930s newsreel (but ghostlier), and her enunciation trumps even that of the typically over-enunciated "towards" in each week's elimination ceremony. I ask you this, seriously: What is wrong with her? We can also see her glancing to the cue cards at her right, which takes away a bit of the gravitas. Anyway, the story of Rose Hall Mansion: "the most famous...yet infamous...house in all of Jamaica." Legend has it, according to Tyra, that long ago the mistress of the house murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own. We see a flash of "pot ledom" written in red on a mirror, which I have to say is a nice touch. The real legend of Rose Hall is a bit more detailed and sinister, and worth a read on Wikipedia. Note that this lady was called the "White Witch," for obvious reasons. The legend involves voodoo, slaves, and ghost murders. And the White Witch herself only stood 4'8" tall, meaning she wouldn't have even had a chance on the short cycle! No wonder she was so murderous. Tyra instructs us to stay tuned for a creepy America's Top Model finale, as if this show is ever not creepy.
Tyra then flashes us back to the finalists' Nine West shoot in Falmouth, Jamaica. Kelly is there with Johnny, and says that Nine West happens to be one of her most important clients. She tells them not to fuck it up, which sounds awfully familiar, and some postmodern thing happens involving the simulacra and negation of the real, and basically the world implodes and the White Witch pushes us all off of a balcony. Laura is first to shoot in a slinky colorblock dress, and she watches as photographer Jez Smith greets Kelly. They are all smiles. FOR NOW. Jez has Laura sit on a stoop so her face catches some natural light, but what she's doing isn't working. Kelly, who is literally hovering, tells Jez that Laura should be standing up. He points out that he's trying to make use of the light, and Kelly snaps back that this is her client and they're going to have to use the shot. Jez again mentions the light, and Kelly is like, "THEN WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT HER," and Jez is not thrilled. But eventually Laura stands, and Kelly continues to give near-constant direction.
Kelly tells Jez that she thinks all of the girls should be standing. He says that it would have been nice to know that six hours ago. She then says, "Well you should have talked to the producers about it, dude, I'm the talent on the show, don't be bitching at me about it." I mean, it doesn't seem like the producers are the ones who are insisting that Laura stand, thus taking her face out of the natural light. Poor Johnny is standing right in the middle of them, by the way. Jez retorts (in a really retorting tone, I might add) that he's not bitching at her, he's telling her what he thinks, and he's entitled to an opinion unless Kelly wants to take the photos herself. Kelly turns to Johnny and notes that Jez is being really rude, and Jez says, "Whatever," and then Kelly asks a producer named Jamie to ask Jez not to speak to her like that. Even though that's the way that she speaks to people all the time! Kelly says that she's really upset.
Also upset is Laura, who is getting a little shortchanged in terms of how many pictures anyone is actually taking of her while this bitchery is occurring. As Kelly and Jez hammer it out with some poor producer who is right now thinking that a free trip to Jamaica was not worth it, Laura is taken off set. Kelly tells us that Jez was threatened because she "made a suggestion" that threw him off his day. Nine West is her client, and she is their consultant, and she was right, and her shot was better. Well, at least according to Kelly. Kelly and Jez bitch to the producer for a while, and as she storms off Jez says he doesn't have this kind of drama at his shoots. Meanwhile, Laura notes that this whole thing is unfair to her, who only got five minutes to get a good shot. She cries and cries as we head to commercials.
We then flash back to the girls' photo shoots for Nylon, which is of course another part of the winner's prize package. Jimmy Fontaine is the photographer, and the girls sort of sass around in brightly colored dresses with hipster accessories. Laura tells us that she has been very insecure for her whole life, but finally has gotten to feel and know that her body is beautiful, and that she's beautiful. And I mean, come on. Who thinks, "You know, I really am horrid-looking. Maybe I should apply to be on America's Top Model"? J. Errico, who is the fashion director of Nylon, tells us that Laura was great. She's a little on the commercial side, but that's not a bad thing, since commercial work makes money. Kiara shoots , and Laura tells us that Kiara did not deserve to win best photo for the Dream Come True shoot. Laura adds that Kiara has the same expression in every shot, which does not objectively seem to be the case. Kiara tells us that she's in this competition not only for herself, but for her grandma and brothers and sisters. She feels a lot of pressure, and says that her winning this competition would be one of the greatest things to happen to her entire family. Finally there's Leila, who lies on the ground, puts her legs up in the air, and forces the editors to blur her cooch. And then, perhaps not coincidentally, she's deemed the most Nylon. She also does a great job hanging from a tree like a little monkey.
And then the girls get a surprise that at this point is really a non-surprise -- visits from their families. Laura first sees her mom and dad, in all of their C-list celebrity glory. She starts crying and then her mom starts running toward her and screeching that she can stop working and that she looks so beautiful. Laura's mother sounds exactly like a squealing pig, I am sorry to say. Her dad is much calmer about the whole thing, because he's spent a lot of time on TV and isn't totally desperate to get back on it. Laura's mom hugs Laura while making outward expressions of her happiness and looking directly into the camera. You love her, WE GOT IT. And then Leila's mom shows up, and seems generally sweet and low-key and adorable. They hug and hug, and no one tries to get a fantastic camera shot. Leila is a head and a half taller than her mom, which makes the whole situation pretty cute. And then there's Kiara's grandma! She's the sweetest little lady, and Kiara is thrilled to see her. And doesn't all this really just serve to make you dream of the greatness that would have occurred if Victoria were a finalist and had gotten a family visit? It would have easily been one of the top five TV moments in all of history. And then they would have run off together to find the only Cracker Barrel in Jamaica and enjoy country cooking in one anothers' arms.
The judges then look at the photos from the Nine West shoot. Laura did a good job, and Kelly gives her props for remaining calm during World War Cycle 19. Rob tells Laura that her photo is a little on the sexy side, but there's not much she can do about that given her look. Bryanboy likes the photo, and at least one fan enjoyed it as well. Tyra notes that Laura was tooching with her feet, thus discovering a previously unknown species of tooch known as the "shoe-y tooch." I mean...she certainly is standing on her feet. Kiara is , and Bryanboy says that even though he has supported her throughout the competition, he's disappointed in this shot. However, the fans seem to like it. I guess they've finally been won over. Rob thinks that the top half of Kiara's body looks good, but the bottom is not very flattering. Her pose is too relaxed for a mass ad, according to Tyra, and she needs an advertising pop. Also, her face is tilted back, giving her a "pea head" appearance. And, I would add, major nostrils. Kelly loves Leila's shot, and says it's the best of the day -- youthful, fresh, and fun. And she's the client, after all, kind of. Tyra says that if high fashion and commercial went on a date and got a little frisky, this photo would have popped out nine months later. And then we get a video from a fan named Camden, who is complimenting Leila and also hitting on Rob. Rob totally loves being hit on by anyone -- real, ghostly, or via video. He also agrees that Leila's shot is the best, and tells her that if she works on her runway walk, she could really clean up as a model.
The judges deliberate. I have to admit I've actually missed the deliberation element a bit during this quantitative season. Everyone agrees that Kiara is the best walker, and Tyra pulls up the Dunn's Falls photo as evidence that she'd be great in a Smashbox ad. But then there is, like, literally every other photo of Kiara. She basically sucked for a lot of the season. However, her Dream Come True photo was soft and stunning, and Tyra thought it was amazing. Bryanboy loves Kiara's look and thinks that she's inspirational. Then there's Leila. Kelly things that she's an amazing model, looks great, can't walk. Rob notes that if you're the girl who falls, you're the girl who falls on YouTube and never lives it down. Her photos were by and large great, though. She has an edgy look, including the tooth-gap, and that might get her in the door. Tyra says that Nylon loved Leila. Rob, however, says that Leila cleans up on the edgy stuff but really needs some personality. Laura is not super-skinny and has some ass, which Tyra enjoys. Rob likes that too, but says that the industry doesn't. Tyra claims that it's changing. Kelly likes Laura as a model, but notes that she's not an amazing catwalker. Tyra points out that Laura was a disappointment at the Dunn's Falls shoot, and Kelly notes that when Leila came back into the competition, Laura started to go downhill. Separate from that, though, Laura takes great photos. Kelly and Bryan debate over whether or not Laura looks like a porn star in her shot with Rob. I mean, she does have a certain undeniable porn sheen to her.