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Tyra and her terrible roots tell the Top 13 there are some changes this season: Everything will be graded, and that scores will be quantitative rather than qualitative, which is kind of like college, I guess. There's a product-placement closet winners can raid, and every week there will be a chance to win a $10,000 scholarship money deposit, but only the winner will get to cash their check. That just seems cruel.
Just when all of the ladies are hanging and Victoria is freaking everyone out, a loud thud is heard... and after a brand new theme song, the girls run downstairs only to find the Iota Phi Theta Step Team, comprised of "fine chocolate men" dancing with great power. Then dreamy Rob Evans comes out to melt our hearts and tell the ladies that they're going to Hollywood.
They party-bus off to a club where we meet a Miss Jay rip-off, who tells the crew how important it is to connect with the public, considering they'll be voting this time around and everything. Whoever brings it the most, Rob tells us, gets a fancy-looking key and wins the mini-challenge... which involves walking a runway in a club, not unlike a stripper. This whole thing is painfully low budget.
All of the walks are pretty much the same, except mean girl Kristin's butt hangs out, Harvard Maria is totally boring and trips a little bit, Yvonne does impressive kicks and then Victoria brining the sexxx like the weird relative at the bar mitzvah she is. Fake Miss Jay crowns Yvonne, who is this year's most voluptuous contestant.
Then out comes fake Zach Galifiankis from last week's premiere, whose names turns out to be P'Trique. He gives the first Tyra Mail of the season, saying tomorrow's challenge will "leave you hanging" so "be sure to kill the shot."
When the ladies get home, the challenge scoreboard is up, and Kiara and Destiny get into the first fight of the season. Fortunately, both tell us they are strong competitors who are here to win. Phew!
The day, the girls head over to the shoot, and enter what turns out to be a room filled with taxidermy. Creative director Johnny Wujek welcomes them and introduces 's Shenae Grimes as today's photographer(!). The challenge is that the girls will be posing as... dead animals. As in, their heads will look like they are mounted onto plaques, and their bodies won't be shot. Just like in college!
Again, there are no obvious standouts here, but Victoria is once again weird (which is a plus in this show, as we've learned), Jesse clearly blows it by not posing strong enough, Harvard Maria is super boring and too good for the challenge, Destiny looks like she's about to fall asleep, Leila is freaking fierce and Kiara is full of herself.
When they get back, Victoria gets on the phone with her mom and loses her shit in like, the best way imaginable.
Time for the first judging. We say hello to Kelly Cutrone, Rob Evans and Bryanboy, our "social media correspondent," here to read us mean comments and introduce poor-quality videos from fans. Leila, who got a perfect score from the judges, wins the challenges and gets the key to the Tyra suite for the week. Runner-up is Natasia, who made a weird face that Tyra mostly-arbitrarily liked. Former (or current?) angry girl Destiny and mousey hipster Jesse are the bottom two, and ultimately Jesse gets sent home. She barely even got to booty tooch this season!
Oh, fuck, there's an opportunity of Jesse coming back in a Top Chef Last Chance Kitchen-type challenge that all of the rejected models will face. You can watch that online, or, you know, not at all. Either way. -- Rachel Stein
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We start with a reminder: Welcome (again!) to ANTM college edition! It's a reboot for the show kind of, except the contestants will be doing the same stupid shit as always, and probably Tyra will continue to talk about how Naomi Campbell was mean to her 20 years ago. The Nigel role on the judging panel has gotten a major hotness upgrade with the addition of supermodel Rob Evans; Katy Perry stylist Johnny Wujek was the only person on earth who had shirts ugly enough to match Jay Manuel, and so is the new creative consultant on photo shoots; and fashion blogger Bryanboy will be representing we, the people, at panel. There's a whole new scoring system, in which the girls get points for their challenge performance, points from each of the judges for their photos, and a "social media" score that is based on how fans ranked their photos, which are posted online after each shoot. Will someone tell me where those are? Clearly I care a lot about it since I can't be bothered to Google it even when I am already at my laptop. But it's such a pain to maximize the Firefox screen!
Previously: Quasi-educated bitches! Thirteen finalists attending college or some sort of trade school moved into their "sorority" house. The only one we should care about is Victoria, who is insane and goes to Liberty University online. And, spoiler alert, I cannot WAIT until we get to the part in this episode when she's doing calisthenics on the lawn. It may literally be my favorite thing ever to have happened on this show. I want to play it on a loop inside my brain, always.
Speaking of Victoria, she starts off the episode by telling us how she's gunning hard for the fan votes. Well, she has mine, that's for sure. My only demand is that she always be filmed while engaging in her daily calisthenics routine. She can turn all of the footage into a series of exercise DVDs called, "Crazy Off the Pounds!" Being crazy burns calories -- it's the new South Beach Diet! Jessie reminds us that she's a grad student in architecture at USC, and says that if she weren't doing architecture she'd be doing fashion design. This gives me hope that maybe we'll see her on Project Runway one day.
Tyra enters and everyone screams and screams, per usual. Kiara tells us that it's game time, and she's channeling her basketball persona into the competition. Whose head will she slam dunk? Kristin seems like the obvious choice. Tyra explains the new rules, and how everything they do will be graded/scored. She says it's no longer just qualitative, it's quantitative. Because now they are taking completely subjective opinions and assigning a numerical value to them! It's VERY scientific, obviously, and too much for those of us who didn't go (or not go) to Harvard Business School to understand. (And yes, I'm going to link to that Jezebel article in every recap.)
Tyra drops one more bit of new knowledge on the contestants when she shows them the Tyra Suite -- a big room in the house with a giant bed and signs on the wall that say things like "Smize your eyes out" and "You + your flaws + awesome = flawsome." Wow, another mathematical equation! The girl who gets best photo will get the key to the Tyra Suite for one week, and also have access to the fashion closet, which is stocked with Nine West shoes and Smashbox makeup and also some clothes. Tyra then announces that there's a special "scholarship money" aspect to the competition. Every week, the girl who wins the challenge will receive a $10,000 deposit into her personal bank account. That sounds fantastic, right? Well, it turns out you can only cash that in if you win the whole competition. That is some trifling shit right there. Give the losers a little cash to finish their education, I say! Just send it directly to Sallie Mae!
The ladies hang out in their back yard and play with the giant chess set. No one really knows how to play, not even Maria from Harvard! Still, we must emphasize the fact that she's really smart. And thus, Maria tells us that she was 12 when she went to high school, 16 when she went to college, and 21 when she went to grad school. She's a regular Doogie Howser! Except she looks more like Vinnie, right? Anyway, Maria went to grad school at Harvard, JUST LIKE TYRA! Except that while Tyra real-modeled first and THEN fake-went to Harvard, Maria real-went to Harvard first and now is fake-modeling. Kiara announces to her roommates that she's the oldest of seven kids, then tells us about her rough childhood with an absent mother who didn't care very much but kept procreating. So Kiara was the one who raised her siblings.
In contrast, Victoria LOVES her mom. LOVES. And it's very hard for her to be away from her mom while she's in this competition. Whereas the other girls talk about how they miss their boyfriends, Victoria announces that she's never had a boyfriend and, upon prompting, that she's a virgin. She then says that she has no intention of getting a boyfriend ever, and, I quote, "I get all of the satisfaction of a relationship that I need from my mom. I don't feel like I should be stigmatized or ostracized for that." Uhhhh, well. Kudos for setting herself and her mom up for a new Grey Gardens 2013 reality show on TLC, I guess? Victoria tells the other girls that her mom is so selfless in a way that she can't ever imagine a man being. Do you guys think that Victoria was ever actually allowed out of her house before? Hmm. Kristin sums it up thusly: "Victoria, she annoys the fuck out of me... she's just crazy." I know she's a mean girl, but secretly I kind of love Kristin.
There's a big booming noise in the house, which Victoria of course thinks is an earthquake. With her Liberty University association, I figured she'd think it was the Lord's final judgment coming upon us. In fact, it's the Iota Phi Theta step team! The ladies are appreciative of the fine chocolate men before them, but their sparkle soon fades as male supermodel of the world and sparkly-toothed judge Rob Evans enters. He congratulates them on being models, which seems a little precipitous, then tells them to go get their favorite dresses because they're going to Hollywood! They go to a place called Club Eden, where they see an androgynous performer swinging from a hula hoop that comes down from the ceiling. It's Jonte', who is a singer/dancer/choreographer/resident of The Capitol who has worked with Beyonce among others. And I can't help but sing, "Sashay! Jonte'! Jonte' Jonte' Jonte'!" whenever I see him. Jonte' is captioned as "Choreographer and Movement Mentor," which makes me wonder if he's the new Miss J. In any case, he knows a little bit about how to work it. That is literally his job qualification.
Jonte' tells the girls that, especially with the public voting element of the competition this year, they need to learn how to connect with their audience. Thus, the forthcoming challenge. Whoever "brings it the most" while walking/strutting/dancing/hula-hoop-hanging back and forth on the stage will win the challenge and the key to the Tyra Suite. She couldn't even call it the "Supermodel Suite" or something? You know if she has kids she's going to go the Michael Jackson route and call them "Prince Tyra I" and "Prince Tyra II." Kiara is up first, and aims to be fierce but not too sexy. Jonte' loves how cute and androgynous Jessie is, but all is ruined as she awkwardly walks on the stage. Destiny tells us that this challenge is not her thing, because no matter which way you spin it you're going to look like a ho. Try the Jessie supreme awkwardness route, I say! Instead, Destiny squats down a pole like she's taking a poop in the woods. Not cute.
Nastasia is , and seems to do a fine job, while Leila's head takes a beating from the hula hoop. Brittany puts on extreme sexy face, and then goes straight for the hula hoop and starts twirling. How did she know how to do that? I feel like it would take me a bit of time to figure out exactly how to hoist myself up on a hanging hoop and spin. I guess some people are just naturally have a little bit of Cirque du Soleil in their blood, OR community colleges are giving a more well-rounded education than we suspected. My secret favorite Kristin is , and just walks around looking bitchy with her ass hanging out of her dress. She tugs the dress down at some point, which Jonte' says is actually a big no-no. If a designer were to see you do that, he says, they'd fire you for life. Rob agrees. Well, note to self, I guess. Darian looks just normal as she walks, while Laura summons all the drunk college girl mojo she has inside and sort of bounces around, possibly while snapping her fingers. Maria looks severe and awkward and almost falls off the stage. Victoria questions whether Harvard Maria really wants it, possibly because her real degree from Harvard has subconsciously conditioned her to have goals that go beyond working a hoop in a dingy nightclub. I know, what a jerk!
to walk is Yvonne, who tells us that she was on her dance team in high school and so knows how to move. She does perhaps the least graceful leg kicks that I have ever seen, totally exposing her cooch, but Jonte' and Rob love it. Allyssa is , and tells us that her Brazilian heritage gives her confidence when it comes to movement. However, she wouldn't kick up her leg in a tight little skirt because she's not a giant hobag. Those weren't her exact words, but the implication is strong. Oh! And then it's Victoria's turn! Every time she's on screen, I get completely giddy with anticipation. She walks like an insane person, then awkwardly flails from the hoop before ending with a little kicking-filled Elaine dance. She sums up her performance thusly: "I think what was groundbreaking about my performance is that I infused it with a lot of my personality." GROUNDBREAKING! Oh, she's the greatest. Do you think she's actually a performance artist or something? Whether she is or not, she is a genius.
With all the walking done, Jonte' has some feedback. Jonte' Jonte' Jonte'! He tells Jessie that she's adorable, but needs to learn to communicate with the audience. He's in awe of Kiara's booty shake, and maybe would at least cup her cheeks if he was straight. Jonte' tells Kristin that she's gorgeous, but has to let the skirt ride if it wants to. Yvonne controlled the stage and knows exactly what she's doing, he says, and Brittany and Victoria get kudos for taking on the hoop. As Jonte' holds up the key to the Tyra Suite and gets ready to announce the winner, Victoria reminds us again that she was groundbreaking -- so groundbreaking in fact that she actually BROKE THE GROUND. She thinks she deserves to win. But she does not. Instead, Yvonne wins for connecting her cooch with the audience. Victoria feels robbed, but Yvonne considers it a victory for the husky girls.
And then just when everyone is hanging out in the club and having a good time, Tyra's dude-in-a-wig BFF shows up. Apparently he is not Zach Galifianakis, but rather "YouTube personality" P'Trique. Tyra always has to take it that one extra step, you know? He delivers Tyra Mail in his signature stupid fashion girl voice: "Tomorrow's challenge will leave you hanging. Make sure you kill the shot, k? Go home and get your beauty sleepies and get ready for tomorrow!" Wow, and here I never thought I'd miss hearing the girls straining at the edges of their literacy skills to read Tyra Mail from a TV screen.
Back at the house, there is a screen up featuring the challenge scores. While Yvonne is at the top with a perfect 10, Kristin and Jessie circle the drain with 4s. Victoria's groundbreaking performance only got a 7. To be a pioneer is sometimes to be misunderstood. One of the girls says, "It's not just their opinion, it's actual, like, numbers." It's actually a numerical value that represents their subjective and likely hastily assembled opinions, but okay. Yvonne is psyched to be in the Tyra Suite, which has a nice bed and also smells good.
Out in the kitchen, Destiny wonders aloud why she got such a low score. Kiara theorizes that maybe it was because she was too sexy and "too stripper." Destiny does not enjoy this comparison, and soon afterwards complains to the other girls about it. Kiara is lurking around the corner while Destiny talks shit about how Kiara talked shit about her, but soon comes in to tell her to talk to her personally if she has a question about something she said. She clarifies that she was trying to help and give constructive criticism, and then tells us that she was actually doing a FAVOR to Destiny, like pointing out that she had something in her teeth. I don't know that that's a really valid one-to-one comparison -- "you've got some spinach in there" versus "you look like a stripper." The whole thing does put me in mind of Simon Doonan's infamous, "I would never say anybody's a ho. I would say that's ho style," shenanigans of yore.
After a commercial break the confrontation continues, with Kiara emphasizing that she was just trying to help, and if Destiny doesn't want her very helpful constructive criticism, then she should have fun losing the competition. Darian notes that Kiara need not get so defensive, and Kiara points out that Darian needs to mind her business. As the captain of her basketball team and the oldest of seven kids, Kiara tells us that she's a natural born leader. She doesn't take so well to Darian enthusiastically bidding her goodnight as she says she's going to bed. Meanwhile, Kristin sits around in the middle of it all eating candy like a boss.
Oh, and then YAY! It's time for calisthenics with Victoria! She's out in the yard, doing some vintage '80s Denise Austin movements, or maybe even Gilad's Bodies in Motion. I bet dusty Denise Austin VHS tapes comprise the official home schooling phys-ed curriculum. Victoria tells us that she has never felt such a weird and confusing conglomeration of emotions. She misses her mom, but also wants to stay in the competition because she has so much talent to show. Aerobic talent too, it turns out. If she added a colorful sweatband on her head right now, she would be even more perfect. We hear the other girls talk about her, and someone simply says, "Dude, Victoria." Another girl replies, "Something's not right." It's not right, and yet also so very right! All at once! Now it is I who have never felt such a weird and confusing conglomeration of emotions. Kiara theorizes that there's something going on, and Victoria's mom is the only one who knows what, and that this is why Victoria clings to that relationship so much. But...what is that thing? Other than Grey Gardens syndrome? Victoria certainly IS a staunch character. As Laura says that she has a great relationship with her mom, but hasn't gone to the extreme of not letting anyone else into her life, we see Victoria doing grapevines. It is, you will agree, magical.
The girls then head to their photo shoot, which is in a giant room full of taxidermied animals! One is a jackalope, which Laura calls a rabbit she has never even seen before. And she's a small town girl, from a town so very small that it's rife with animals that don't even exist! Johnny Wujek greets the girls, wearing a SMIZE hat. I'm sure that's in his contract. He introduces Shenae Grimes from . It turns out that she's been taking photos for a few years now, which is close enough to a real photographer for the 19th cycle of this show. The theme of the shoot is taxidermied heads on a plaque, and so the girls will have to stick their heads through a hole in the wall (made to look like an animal-head mounting plaque) and not be able to use their bodies at all. Shenae tells them to really work the eyes.
The girls head into hair and makeup, and we get to see Victoria interacting with Johnny and Shenae. Johnny confirms for us that Victoria is a staunch character, and never stops talking. We see Shenae politely and hilariously listening, with just the slightest bit of grimace pulling down the corners of her mouth. Victoria is first to shoot, and Johnny tells us that she has a really unique style and very exaggerated features. He loves her weirdness, and thinks that she'll go far. Yvonne is , and blinks a whole lot. The head through the hole position does look relatively uncomfortable. Nastasia is , and though her initial scream seems to surprise Johnny, he says that she's a little firework who gave tons of looks and took direction well. Brittany growls, which Kristin thinks isn't pretty but Johnny likes. Kristin is , and she asks Johnny to help her out when her face is sweating and she has no arms available with which to dab it (because...head in a hole). Johnny sort of blots her with his t-shirt, which I think is above and beyond. He tells us that Kristin's attitude is kind of cool, but when working with clients she has to be respectful and know where she is.
Laura is up , emphasizing that despite her dad's starring role on Dynasty, she's just a small town girl and is used to dead animal heads from the ole' huntin' lodge. That's whar grampa would sit drinkin' moonshine from a jar and playin' the ole' banjer. To her credit, Laura does look quite pretty as a wall hanging. we have Jessie, and Shenae tells her to capture people with her eyes and focus on striking and not sexy. Jessie is already nervous from her poor showing in the challenge, and is hoping for a good photo. She says that, since her best feature is apparently her ass, it would be great to just stick her butt in the taxidermy hole. Alas, the cheeks stay out of the frame. Jessie struggles, and Johnny's tale of how Gisele made a barely perceptible hiss through her teeth during a photo shoot does not seem to be the tip she needs to succeed. Brittany likes Jessie a bunch, but is afraid that her poor showing might send her home.
After a break, Darian gives some taxidermy-style sass, and then it's Maria's turn. A few of the other girls talk about what beautiful bone structure and what a beautiful face she has, and what a shame it is that she's not using it. Maria says that she's a bit removed from the other girls, and also seems to miss the amazing community of intellectuals at Harvard. What, the amazing community of intellectuals at Top Model doesn't rate? I am very shocked to hear that. Allyssa is , and Johnny loves her Brazilian flair and says that she brought a whole range of emotions. In contrast, Destiny is markedly emotionless. She has only one look, and Johnny says that she wasn't following direction very well. We hear again that Destiny isn't going to leave the competition with nothing. I don't think a photo of your own taxidermied head counts as "nothing."
Then there's Leila. She has a sort of unicorn bun on the top of her head, so tries to give an otherworldly sort of vibe. Johnny seems to like what she's doing. Kiara is , and says that everybody is coming to watch her shoot since she established herself as the house beeyotch. Victoria tells us that Kiara isn't so much focused as she is pushy and abrasive. Well, there's a ringing endorsement. Victoria adds that she doesn't see Kiara having any of the elements that would lead to a successful career in modeling. And if anyone knows what those elements are, clearly it is Victoria. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, Kiara talks some more about her absentee mom, who had her when she was only 16, and is very selfish, and also apparently very fertile. Kiara has had to do a lot of things on her own, including heading off to college and moving into her dorm. Her mom making things in her life so difficult has turned Kiara into the fierce woman she is today. And I think she means fierce in both the "fieeeeeeeerce!" sense, and the "beeyotch" sense. Victoria can't even begin to imagine not having a mother figure, which leads Kiara to say that she admires their relationship. "Admires" might be a bit strong, there.
This leads to Victoria confessionalizing that her mom is the one who loves her so selflessly, and she feels like part of her is missing being apart from her. Victoria then gets to call her mom, and is straight-up crying before her mom even picks up the phone. When her mom does answer, the sobbing reaches a whole other level. Darian says, and I quote, "This is the thing. There's nothing wrong with being weird. You can love your mom and talk about her. But I think Victoria just takes it to a whole nother level." This from someone who says there's nothing wrong with being weird! In other words, Victoria's behavior is rather extreme. She asks more mom for some words of encouragement, and her mother replies, "Armor of God, always." Hmm. Just as Victoria is asking her mom if she's seen her photos online, Darian knocks on the door of the phone booth with a five-minute warning. Victoria spends precious moments crying about this. She tells us, "It was just absolutely enthralling to be able to talk to her. I am going to win America's Top Model for my mom. I want to achieve and attain this victory for her." Victoria sounds like a robot who's learned English from a word-a-day calendar. As she sobs some more, we see Kristin continuing to be the secret best by straight-up cackling.
There is Tyra Mail! On a TV screen, like in olden days. Someone is going home. Destiny thinks that she did well in the photo shoot, but only Kristin and Jessie were below her in the challenge scoring, and she doesn't think the judges will send either of them home. As she says yet again that she cannot go home, we head to commercials.
When we return, Tyra and her scraggly weave welcome the girls to their first judging. Kelly Cutrone is there, along with Rob Evans and "social media correspondent" Bryanboy. He wears a fascinator with a little veil, as befits a famous and highly influential fashion blogger. All of the models are wearing the same color red lipstick, which must be a Smashbox thing. Tyra notes that the girls' photos were posted online, and fans scored them 1-10 and left comments. Bryanboy's job is to collect all the data (I'm SO sure he's up late at night crunching all the numbers) and deliver it on this show. The fourth judge is the fans, and it's such a highly regarded position that our representative, Bryanboy, gets neither a chair nor a place to stand that is remotely near the judges' table. He's just sort of lurking awkwardly with his laptop way over in the corner while Cutrone requests six more cushions for her chair. The judges will also score the girls' photos, between 1-10, and that plus the challenge score plus the social media score will determine who stays and who goes home. Does this mean that we'll have to forego all the delightful panel bickering? Sads. There are prizes, which do not include a Cover Girl contract.
Yvonne, the challenge winner, is up first. Kelly thinks that she looks like a taxidermied shih tzu in her photo. I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing. Tyra thinks that she looks like a bull, in a good way, but that she's better than this photo represents. Bryanboy announces that the fans online love Yvonne before introducing a really grainy fan video by a crazy lady wearing, I think, pelts. It's going to be a long season, you guys. Each of the judges gives Yvonne a 6, for a total of 18 points.
Kiara is up , and Tyra thinks she looks like an African dance teacher. In a bad way. She throws off her earrings and tousles her hair and Tyra says that the whole thing is much better. Tyra loves Kiara's photo, but not because of anything that Kiara is bringing to it. All the credit goes to the DNA present in Kiara's cheekbones, and the hairstylist who managed to give her horns. Kiara has one of the lowest social media scores, according to Bryanboy. He reads a mean fan comment, then tells her that she needs to step up if she wants to stay in the competition. Rob tells her to flip through a magazine, before talking about all the hours he spends in front of the mirror. You know, practicing. Kelly gives Kiara a 7, Rob gives her an 8, and Tyra gives her a 7. These scores are more or less arbitrary, in case you have any doubt.
Jessie is , being her super cute self. However, the judges don't love her photo. Kelly thinks she looks more like an actress in a horror movie than a model, while Tyra thinks that she's an edgy, cool model in person but hasn't taken control of her face. She needs to learn some tiny facial muscle micro-movements. Bryanboy says that the fans wanted more personality from Jessie. But her personality is delightful! WTF, fans? And also, I don't think her photo is at all worse than the ones we've seen so far. And yet, Kelly and Rob both give Jessie a 4, while Tyra gives her a 5. Totally robbed.
Laura is up , and her photo is pretty great. The light is hitting her beautifully, and the shot is taken at an angle, which helps a lot. I haven't mentioned the best part of all the photos, which is the poorly photoshopped-in names at the base of each plaque. I think they are written in a font that, while not quite Comic Sans, might be called "Cockamamie." Tyra enjoys the intensity and blankness of Laura's eyes, and the fans online apparently liked it as well. She gets 8s from Kelly and Rob, and a 9 from Tyra.
Maria is , and Rob says that her photo is not really modeling. Maria, who apparently was NOT smart enough to watch even one episode of this show in the past, starts complaining about how there were shots in which she moved her neck more, adding that she doesn't think this is her best picture. Girrrrrrrrrrrl, I wouldn't have done that. Kelly looks at her and says in a very schoolmarm voice, "This is your best shot." Tyra recommends that Maria lift her chin to increase her "model-ness." You know it takes every bit of restraint that Maria has not to say, "Model-ness isn't even a word." Bryanboy says that Maria barely made an impact online, before reading a quote from someone named Jacob G., who said that Maria has a $10,000 shopping spree bag under her eyes. Ouch. I love how Tyra has taken away even the possibility of her contestants being emotionally kind to themselves and not reading comments on the Internet. It's like, "Oh, we've found someone to read the meanest ones to you! In real time!" Kelly gives Maria a 5, and tells her to take modeling a lot more seriously if she makes it to week. Rob and Tyra both give her a 6.
Net we have Leila, whose photo the judges adore. I think most of the credit honestly goes to her big lips and gap teeth, but in this case I guess it's enough. Bryanboy then plays a fan video, in which a big hairy dude says that Leila is the only one who has a contemporary fashion look, as his lady friend eats a popsicle. Just when you thought it was impossible for this show to make you even sadder about the world! Leila gets straight 10s from the judges, which seems a little over the top.
Darian is , and she's actually smizing too much for a supposedly dead model head. Bryanboy tells her that she had one of the lowest social media scores, and that people hate her braids. That is cold, people. Darian keeps it together as she says that hopefully she'll soon get to have a makeover. She gets 5s from Kelly and Rob, and a 6 from Tyra.
up is Brittany. Kelly loves her hair, eyes, and collarbones, but Rob thinks that she has too much attitude. Tyra likes but doesn't love it. And then Bryanboy gleefully announces that people online are really mean towards Brittany. Someone named Michelle wrote that Brittany seems to be full of it, and there's a difference between confidence and arrogance. I think in future recaps I will not actually recount the fan quotes and videos. If you want a taste of public opinion, go to the forums! Poor Brittany gets very tearful and says that she considers herself a humble person. Tyra tells her that the completely unfounded perceptions of anonymous people on the Internet are a reality. As Brittany continues to cry, Tyra tells her that it's okay to say it hurts, and adds that she gets a lot of hate stuff all the time. Some days she laughs about it, and some days she'll acknowledge that it doesn't feel so great. Most days she is delusional enough to believe it makes her the most talked-about person in the WORLD and Naomi Campbell can SUCK IT. Kelly tells Brittany that she has to stand strong and keep moving forward, and it's unfortunately just part of the gig. Kelly gives Brittany a 9, while Rob gives her a 6 and Tyra gives her a 7.
Kristin is , and Rob and Kelly give her the whole "you're a pretty girl, but are you a model?" speech. But Bryanboy says that Kristin almost broke the Internet, because she's such a hit with the public. Basically, there are a lot of guys out there who want to bone her. Despite the earlier criticism, Kristin gets relatively high marks -- a 9 from Kelly, an 8 from Tyra, and a 7 from Rob. Then we have Allyssa. Kelly says that her photo is more electroshock therapy than taxidermy, which makes Rob crack up. Tyra, however, likes her dead intensity. Kelly gives the photo a 5, and Rob gives it a 6, but outlier Tyra gives it a 9.
Oh YAY and then it's time for Victoria! Her whole thing is SO Bride of Frankenstein. When it pops up on the screen, Rob just starts laughing and laughing. He tries to recover while telling her that his giggling is not a bad thing. Except it is. The photo is not only terrible, but also a little scary. Kelly says that it's too intense and growly, but viewer Heather likes Victoria's strong personality. Tyra sees high fashion, weird, uncomfortable, and pissed-off angry fierce. While Kelly gives Victoria a 5 and Rob gives her a 6, Tyra gives her an 8. This is because she knows what makes for good, truly ridiculous TV.
Nastasia is , and though her photo is really weird Tyra loves it. Rob thinks that it would have been a better photo overall if her mouth weren't hanging open. Kelly gives her a 7, while Rob and Tyra both give her 8s. Finally, there's Destiny. Her photo is just boring, according to Rob, even though she's a cool girl with a lot of personality. Tyra doesn't see a model in the picture, and the fans online agree. Kelly says that Destiny has a beautiful face, but it remains to be seen if she can be a model. She gives her a 6. Rob gives her a 5, and Tyra gives a 6 as well.
After a break, Tyra reads the complete scores, including the social media scores. Leila has the highest score, with a 40.4, and is called first. She also gets the key to the Tyra Suite. Victoria looks so despondent about this, I can't even tell you. Nastasia is called , with a score of 36.6, followed by Brittany (36.3), Laura (36.0), Kristin (34.7), Kiara (34.3), Yvonne (33.8), Allyssa (32.1), Victoria (31.2), Darian (28.9), and Maria (28.1). I will note that although Tyra says the social media score can make or break a model, everyone seems to be within a one point range, and I don't think anyone went much above a 6 or below a 4. So, in practice, I don't think it counts for all that much.
In any case, Destiny and Jessie are in the bottom two. Destiny's photo was pretty bad, but I still think that Jessie was robbed! Tyra says that both girls are different and not cookie-cutter, but both of their photos are so plain. And since this is the first week, they haven't yet learned how to work their angles. Someone must go home. Both of their photos flash on a giant screen, with numbers flipping by on the bottom. In the end, Destiny gets a 26.9 while Jessie scores a 22.4. I am sad to see Jessie go, but also take comfort in the fact that she will actually have a real job one day. Tyra tells Jessie that she is an architect, but can also have a modeling career if she wants. A tearful Jessie tells us that she just started modeling, and it's not the end but rather the beginning. She's appreciative of the fan votes, and tells us that she won't give up. I hope not -- she seems truly delightful.
week: The girls actually get to CHOOSE whether they want a makeover! Maria's answer is a firm no, which makes people question her Harvard degree. And Victoria does the best impression of Kiara and Darian fighting. My personal social media score for her is always a 10!
Potes thanks America's Top Model in advance for totally ruining her Friday nights. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.