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This music(ish)-filled episode begins with teddy bear wars, as Sophie grabs a very sentimental stuffed animal belonging to Laura. It was given to her by her friend who recently died, and so Laura does not react well to Sophie threatening to throw it in the pool. Somehow, though, Kyle gets blamed when the stuffed animal's ear gets ripped off. Not because she ripped it off, and not because she threw it in the pool, but because she kind of stirred up the pool water where the ear was floating, leading it to go further into the pool. I don't know, you guys. It is into this context that Lisa D'Amato enters, and challenges the girls to record and tape their own music video as competing girl groups. They have girl group mentors, the very difficult to understand Nadine Coye from Girls Aloud, and Jessica Sutta from the Pussycat Dolls, who Laura calls, "The best mentor you could possibly hope for." Somewhere, Joni Mitchell does not give a shit.
So, the songs appear to be already written this time, possibly excluding a little series of raps that the girls have to do, each expounding on their name in rhyming couplets. Pot Ledom is involved, I'm sorry to say. The Brits seem to have an edge at least in the recording, in part because Azmarie takes on a really weird "stylized" voice, and Kyle is a complete dullard. Before they can shoot a video, though, there is a very important lesson in booty tooching, taught by Tyra herself. Tyra introduces a "training tooch" string, like a training bra except it's padded underwear. Azmarie, being a self-professed grown-ass woman, is not having it and tells Tyra she's not putting on the butt pad. This is less noble in the context of all the other stupid shit she's already done, and I think we all can agree that no wannabe model is going to get away with making a stand for dignity to the Great and Terrible Tyra Banks. Tyra asks her to leave, because she "can't do this teach" without the training tooch.
So, the tooching lesson. There are good tooches and bad tooches. Hoochie tooches and poochie toochies and smoochie tooches and dookie tooches and goochie tooches and juicy tooches. It's like Tyra is rendering the whole English language meaningless in less than five minutes, isn't it? And then there's a smize dance, including a universal hand size for smizing. At this point in my viewing of this episode, I just slumped into a fetal position on my couch, basically.
Azmarie reintegrates with the U.S. girls later as they work on choreography, and then everyone heads to Playhouse Nightclub to shoot the videos. Again the Brits seem to pull ahead in their performance. Also, Kyle has crazy eyes and Azmarie's ego is getting on Jay's nerves. At panel, we see the two full videos. The song by the upcoming band "Fiercely British" is called "We'll Mash You Up," and basically everyone gets high praise for their performance and artful 15-second raps. The song by the new American sensation "United Sirens of America" is called "Stop, Drop, and Tooch." It sounds like a song written by machines and sung by undead zombies. Catchy, though. And it might be because I viewed this episode after working a 14-hour day, but at this point my notes actually say, "I am getting so much dumber right now."
The Brits are all called first, with Alisha being singled out for best performance of the week. Though Azmarie offers a half-hearted (read: not at all groveling) apology to Tyra for not wearing the training tooch, she is put in the bottom two along with Kyle. And in a bit of a shocker, it's Azmarie who is eliminated! This teaches us all a very important lesson: when in doubt, wear the butt pads.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on America's Top Model: British Invasion: Despite allowing herself to be doused with maple syrup and fake leaves from Michael's craft store, Scottish Ashley got the boot. The bright side for her is that she got out before they started tooching. Five American bitches remain, along with four Brits!
The ladies return home post-panel to find a big ol' box of goodies in celebration of Eboni's best-of-week photo victory. The Brits try to sneak off with some of the gifts, but if you think Seymone is going to let anyone take tacky cheap crap that rightfully belongs to her, you are mistaken. Alisha holds up a notebook in the confessional upon which is written, "I'm not talking until I'm picture of the week Fuck's sake." Crickets chirp in response.
Meanwhile, Laura sits alone on the pool deck. She reminds us that just before she came on the show, her best friend Kevin died. It turns out that Kevin had given Laura a stuffed animal, which she then named Alan. I know that's an odd naming choice, but it really isn't relevant in this particular incident. Sophie wrenches Alan from Laura's hands, saying he needs a bath, and then runs down to the pool and dangles him over the water. Laura says that she will kill Sophie if she drops it, but at this moment it looks like everyone including Laura is just being dumb and goofing around. But then as Laura grabs Alan, his ear rips off in Annaliese's hand. Annaliese in turn drops the ear in the pool, and Laura starts wailing, "How can you guys do this to me waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" At this point, the others are still laughing and all hell has not quite broken loose.
And then Kyle, like, dips a foot in the water. Laura tells us, "As the ear fell in the pool, Kyle pushed it away. It was as if Kevin was being pushed away from me and there was nothing I could do to get him back." I think it's a testament to how hated Kyle is that she gets the bulk of the blame in this situation over someone who actually damaged the stuffed animal and threw its ripped ear into the water. I think she's annoying, too, but it seems a little unfair to blame her for 1) anything involving the stuffed animal; 2) the fact that Laura's best friend is dead. Laura cries and screams and walks away, and everyone is like, WTF? Sophie surmises that the teddy must have had sentimental value, and wonders what the hell she's done as we head into credits.
When we return, the drama continues. Laura lies in her bed with Alisha and Eboni comforting her, and tells them that Kyle is disgusting and she wants nothing to do with her. In turn, Kyle tells us that Laura is a complete psychopath. In Kyle's version of events, she was trying to get the ear out of the water. And...well, if that's the case it was a pretty halfhearted attempt. I personally think her toes were just hot. Laura then says that Kyle is dead to her. But not dead in a way that a teddy bear ear becomes representative of her spirit or whatever.
And then who should walk into this melee (except not really, because this totally happens on a different day) but Lisa Fucking D'Amato, who enters the house and immediately starts screaming. She tells the ladies that for this week's challenge, they'll be recording and taping their own music video. The models be like whoa in response. Lisa claims that she won this challenge during the all-star season. But...I thought Allison won? Or maybe she just won Game's love. A quick check of the recap indicates that Lisa did win the initial lyric-writing challenge, but Allison got best video of the week for her final product. So, it's a technically correct but still specious claim, just like her default all-star victory.
The models will be divided into girl groups: UK versus US, of course. And there are mentors! Nadine Coyle from the British group Girls Aloud will be mentoring the UK team, while Jessica Sutta of The Pussycat Dolls will mentor the Americans. Laura calls Jessica Sutta the best mentor she could possibly hope for. Maybe she's still grieving for the teddy bear ear, or maybe "one of the other Pussycat Dolls" is actually a big deal. The teams each listen to their already written tracks on Virgin Mobile phones, because why waste time having the girls endeavor to express themselves creatively when you could have product placement instead? Azmarie tells us that she has some experience with music, and has in fact written ten of her own tracks. However, girl groups aren't exactly her style. She wouldn't even be in a boy band, okay? Except maybe vintage NKOTB.
Catherine tells us that this challenge requires a lot of positive team energy. And then oh my god, NADINE COYLE SPEAKS. What. The. Fuck. Is. She. Saying. Whoever captioned this shit deserved three bonuses. Where is she even from? Some middle earth country of elfin lady singers, apparently. It is really something! My friend Lauren S. assures me that Girls Aloud is an obsession-worthy band, though, so I am determined to check them out and see what the legacy of the Spice hath wrought. They have a song called, "Sexy! No No No," which I find very promising.
The day, the ladies walk into The Village recording studio, where Lisa greets them and asks for their group names. The UK girls have gone with, "Fiercely British." I mean, fine. Sophie would have preferred, "Sophie and the Others," which I actually like better. The US girls shall be known as, "The United Sirens of America." I think that's accurate, in that they will quite likely sound like a fleet of fire trucks. Both bands will be recording with CBS Music producer Tom Polce, who tells everyone that he and Lisa had a blast writing these songs. AHA! So that explains it. You'll see what I mean soon enough. The models have the job of bringing their own personalities to the song, by rapping mini-verses (that they did not write) about their own names. You will not be surprised to know that Pot Ledom is involved.
Annaliese and Catherine both knock out their verses with great success, and then it's Sophie's turn. She's nervous, and says that this whole thing is quite out of her comfort zone. She gets some direction from Lisa to deliver her lines in a sexier fashion, and seems to nail the following: "They all know me / I'm Sophie / I'm the one they talk about mostly." It's a very personal lyric, you know. Cuts right to the heart. She is so strong to be able to sing that without breaking down. Judging by the genuine round of applause that Alisha gets, she's the one to watch. She takes great relish in delivering the line, "Sincerely, a stunner, Alisha." Tom asks her to do another take, just because he likes listening to her so much.
With the Brits having gone out on that high note, it's time for The United Sirens of America to take to the microphone. Kyle is first, and Tom asks her for a lot of spark. I think we can safely compare Kyle's performance to a soggy teddy bear ear floating in an overly chlorinated pool. Seymone is cute and bubbly, though she has some objection to using the word "ain't." Take your proper grammar and stick it in a haggis loaf. Laura is , and gets kind of XXX in her line delivery. That's how she deals with her pain, everybody! Eboni cops to being a terrible singer, and she is also apparently terrible at doing whatever this is. Tom tells her that she sounds like a robot. In this context, I don't know that that's necessarily a negative. Oh my God, and then Azmarie. First off, she wears her shades in the studio. I think she's trying to do something Minaj-esque, but mostly just sounds like an idiot with a stupid affected voice. At one point even D'Amato is like, "You don't even have to do that." Annaliese thinks that Azmarie wasn't taking the recording seriously, and was "taking the biscuit" out of the whole challenge. What biscuit? What?
After everyone is finished recording, Lisa and Tom note that the UK girls are ahead at this point, but the Americans can make a comeback during the choreography and video elements of the challenge. And then we are at the choreography portion of events, which I believe happens on a different day. The girls arrive at Millennium Dance Studio, and Tyra greets them. She tells them that they can't possibly do choreography before learning the art of the booty tooch. Oh yes, everyone. It's happening. Tyra turns around to show the girls the words "booty tooch" emblazoned on her tooched booty. My question is, if you're properly tooching your booty, should you really have to advertise?
Oh boy, and then Tyra explains that she has something called a "training tooch," which is kind of like a training bra except it is padded underwear. The girls have to put on the training tooch, along with black tank tops and toochy hot pants. Azmarie is skeptical about the whole thing, and is particularly concerned that wearing a training tooch will compromise her androgyny. And yet she is perfectly willing to put on the "booty tooch" hot pants. It's all very mysterious. I think Azmarie had some idea that she could go on this show and still maintain some street cred, which really only shows that she was misguided from the start. Tyra lines the girls up to inspect their training tooches, only to learn that Azmarie isn't wearing hers. To make matters worse, she has an especially flat butt to begin with. Azmarie explains to Tyra that she draws the line at the training tooch, and Tyra gets that sort of rage-y look in her eyes as she tells Azmarie that if she refuses to put it on, she can't do this tooch teach. Azmarie is okay with that, and Tyra summarily dismisses her. Sophie tells us that by thinking she's too cool for the training tooch, Azmarie is putting down all the other girls and also The Great and Terrible Tyra Banks. And I think we all know how that goes. As Azmarie tells us that she is a grown-ass woman and doesn't have time for tooch pads, we head to commercials.
When we return, we have to relive the whole trauma of Azmarie rejecting her training tooch again, and the horrified reactions of the other models. Annaliese wants Azmarie to show a little bit of respect, and also loosen up. She does take herself pretty seriously for someone who is a contestant on the eighteenth season of America's Top Model. Oh. And then the tooching lesson commences. Tyra explains that before the girls learn the right way to tooch, they must learn the wrong way to tooch. She goes through a litany of terrible tooches, including the Hoochie Tooch (self-explanatory), Poochie Tooch (no gut-sucking), Smoochie Tooch (with trout pout), and Dookie Tooch (self-explanatory, hopefully). While most of the terrible tooches earn a rallying cry of, "Nooch to the tooch!" the Dookie Tooch has its own special dance and chant, which goes, "We don't want a Dookie Tooch!" There are certain really special times when I watch this show and feel like I'm out of my body, floating above and looking down on a strange and terrible world where the onslaught of brain cell abuse is commonplace. "We don't want a dookie tooch" is one of those moments.
Then, of course, there are the right tooches. These include the classic Booty Tooch, the Side Tooch (the classic...to the side), the Goochie Tooch (which is appropriate for high fashion), and the Juicy Tooch (tooching in motion). Catherine points out that the Americans are superior in tooching, because it is our national characteristic to be able to pop out our bums. Must be all the growth hormones and pink slime. Tyra has exhausted her list of tooches, which means it's time to move on to the very special extra credit lesson: the Smize Dance. And oh my God, you guys. Tyra waves her hand by her face and says, "This is the universal sign for smizing." Wouldn't the universal sign for smizing be... smizing? The Smize Dance involves doing the universal sign for smizing while walking forwards and backwards. You know. Smize Dance. It's the postmodern high-fashion Hokey Pokey. SO editorial!
Back at the house, Azmarie rejoins the United Sirens of America for some choreography work. Eboni thinks that Azmarie has realized the error of her ways in rejecting the booty pads, and is feeling nervous for her. The collective reaction to the whole incident is basically a big, "Ooh girl, you shouldn't a done that." In the wee wee hours of the morning, the girls head to the Playhouse Nightclub, where Jay awaits them. This will be the location of their video shoot. Jessica and Nadine will be back on set to mentor them. I guess D'Amato was mentor enough in the recording studio. The director for the shoot is Tony Groll, who probably has some sort of training tooch-esque karma in his past that required him to take this gig.
Hair and makeup happens, and Jessica coaches the girls on how to make the most of being on camera. The Brits are the first to shoot the video for their single, "We'll Mash You Up." Can we all agree that there should be some reference to bangers in this song? Sophie is first to shoot her little rap about being Sophie, whilst applying Cover Girl lipstick. Sophie assures us that she's not a music video star, but she had a ton of fun. Then there's Annaliese, who is vintage Sporty Spice in her bit. Nadine Coyle is very impressed by Annaliese, and speaks in an accent that sounds like she's from the deep south all of a sudden. I should add that the chorus for "We'll Mash You Up" has lyrics including, "We're smoking, we're vogueing, we'll mash you up yeah yeah". Like complex, mid-career Paul Simon. Catherine is , and has a cool elegant look that befits her lyrics about being Queen Catherine and belies her extensive tooching knowledge. Then there's Alisha, who is the cutest per usual. I just love her. Under Nadine's incomprehensible tutelage, the girls then shoot some group choruses and are apparently quite impressive overall.
With that, it's time for The United Sirens of America to take the stage. The shoot their group numbers first, and appear to be having problems. Alisha attributes at least some of this to the fact that the Americans are not on the same page personally, and the hatred is shining through in their inability to tooch collaboratively. The US song is entitled, "Stop, Drop and Tooch," which really does have D'Amato's sticky fingerprints all over it. Jay encourages Kyle to try having an expression. The Brits then completely and accurately make fun of Kyle's attempt at an expression, which is basically vacant bug-eyes. Alisha puts it best when she says, "Why are you in shock? You're supposed to be happy. Calm the eyes down." Jay yet again tells Kyle that everyone else is fine, and she looks crazy. He says that Kyle struggled with the choreography and her sense of belonging in the group, and pulled down the performance for everyone. Kyle requests a break, and heads into the bathroom alone. Maybe she just had to take a shit? Commercials.
When we return, Kyle has maybe stop, dropped and pooped. Azmarie enters the bathroom to try to calm her down and get her to refocus. We see Seymone's individual shoot, and Jessica is impressed at the sassiness she brings to it all. Then there's Azmarie. Jay says that she's talented and has a great look, but needs to keep her ego in check. In the world of fashion, he says, your attitude will spread like a brush fire and then no one will touch you no matter how great you are. And from the glimpses we see of Azmarie doing her verse, I think she actually was pretty great. Shoulda worn the butt pads, lady. Kyle is , and continues to appear vacant and dead with Grave's disease. Laura notes that Kyle brought the team down as a whole, and says that she'll be beyond pissed if Kyle's mistake sends her home. Then there's Eboni, who brings 30-Never with corresponding pigtails to her shot. Jay tells us that Laura is so engaging even when she's in the background that she steals the attention of the viewer. This is a good thing when you're in a competition. And that's a wrap!
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone is going home. Kyle confessionalizes that everyone did a good job on the video shoot except her, and she has a bad feeling about panel. Azmarie is also nervous, mostly because of ToochGate 2012. The Brits are feeling comparatively confident. They haven't won a whole lot during this competition, but they clearly feel like they deserve a victory in this case. With that, there's yet another commercial! We clearly need a breather before we are assaulted with the full-length videos for these songs.
When we return, it's panel time! Tyra is wearing a sparkly evening gown, as befits a week focused on tooching. There are prizes, there are judges. Jessica Sutta and Nadine Coyle are the guest judges. We first see the full video for the United Sirens of America's smash hit, "Stop, Drop and Tooch." With lyrics such as, "Our booty tooch / be raisin' roofs," I think we can assume that both a Grammy and genre-busting Pulitzer Prize are coming Lisa D'Amato's way. What can I say, she's a poet. The production on the video is, I think, designed to induce a seizure. And the collective direction to the "vocalists" seems to have been something like, "Do your best to whine this line." Oy. So, Laura really is a standout in the video, and Kyle is particularly horrible, just as we suspected.
The Americans have their single takes reviewed by the panel, and Seymone is first. Nigel says that she owned it, and likes that she was a little bitchy and a little off. Jessica Sutta adds that Seymone looked beautiful. Tyra says that the song is like a cartoon, and Seymone needed to exaggerate and push it a bit more. She was close, though! Laura is , and Tyra enjoys her crazy, zaggy self. Nigel thinks that she had a nice oscillation between pretty and crazy. Cutrone also compliments Laura on her nasty, dirty, punk aesthetic. Good job, overall! I'm sure Alan's ear is proud, wherever it is. [Cue music for "Somewhere Out There."]
Oh, and then there's Azmarie. Nigel doesn't think that she committed to this video at all. Cutrone doesn't get Azmarie's vocal weirdness. And then Tyra has something to say. As you may suspect, it has nothing to do with the video that they just watched. Nay, Tyra would like to talk about the booty tooch teach, and Azmarie's refusal to cross the training tooch line. This didn't make sense to Tyra, as Azmarie was willing to humiliate and degrade herself in a whole host of other ways, while being covered in maple syrup. Azmarie says that, after some thought, she wants to apologize to Tyra and realizes that she was being disrespectful. Tyra claims to accept the apology, but I think we all know that's really not true. She does point out that Azmarie's stand was just weird rather than meaningful.
Eboni is , and Nigel tells her that she committed too much, and has to know where her moments are. Tyra accuses Eboni of smoochie tooching while singing, which I think is actually quite a feat. Cutrone wanted Eboni to be more of a robot girly baby, but Jessica thinks she was working some babydoll girl band realness. And then there's Kyle. If the words, "Hi! I'm Kyle / I smile for miles" don't haunt your nightmares, then you haven't seen this episode. Nigel does a pretty dead-on impression of Kyle whining her lyrics, and tells her that she could have chilled out a little bit more. Jessica likes it, though Nadine tells Kyle that she has dead eyes. Tyra reminds Kyle that everyone else was better than her.
We then mercifully move on to the Fiercely British's single, "We'll Mash You Up." Their British tooch is major. Your hoochie tooch? No flavor. Oh, I see -- the booty tooch teach was critical in actually being able to properly understand the really deep lyrics to this song! Maybe it's actually a pop tribute to the work of Camus. The Brits are way cuter in their video, but I think they're way cuter always. Also, their song contains the word "scallywags," which gives them an automatic win, yeah yeah. Neither of these songs holds a candle to "Money Can't Buy You Class," though. Alisha is extra great for the Brits, and really uses her legs to full advantage. But everyone is good! They tooch high, they tooch low, our Yankee tooch is too slow. The panel goes nuts, and Tyra says that she felt like she was watching a real music video. Now, let's not get carried away here.
Catherine gets her individual evaluation first, and Tyra names all the varieties of tooching that she is doing perfectly. Cutrone thinks it was cool, sexy, nasty and nice. Nadine says that Sophie is a blonde bombshell all over her headstone. I think? Sophie is Cutrone's favorite for the day, and she adds that Sophie is reminiscent of a Warhol superstar. Tyra knows that Sophie isn't a strong dancer, but she doesn't care because Sophie is working it and committing. Everyone is knocked out by how professional Alisha is, both as a dancer and a smizer. Jessica notes that Alisha was constantly at 100% on set, and Tyra loves how Alisha milked every moment. That's what a star does! Finally there's Annaliese. Jessica thinks she's adorable, and that her sweetness stood out. Cutrone really likes her too and think she was totally believable. Tyra basically calls her family-friendly, but in a really good way. It's true that you wouldn't mind your kid having a thing for her, and seeing her perform might even be bearable.
The judges deliberate. Kyle didn't commit, and couldn't get out of her head enough to enjoy the moment. However, she's beautiful. Cutrone doesn't think that being a pop star is Kyle's strength, but does think that she did a good job letting her personality shine through in the video. From what we've seen, Kyle's personality is pretty annoying, so I guess that's accurate. Seymone was a little disappointing to Cutrone, but Jessica really liked how she worked her curves. Laura was good, but needs to control her face, which occasionally looks like a nasty mechanic. Azmarie wasn't present enough for Nigel, but from the moment Nadine first met her she wanted to boff her. Basically, Azmarie has undeniable presence. Cutrone, however, is over her. She thinks that Azmarie is a boaster, a coaster, and that it's time to toast her. Nadine and Jessica can't even believe what they're hearing. Eboni was so-so, but doesn't really know what to do with her energy, and also smoochie tooches entirely too much.
Catherine was unique and fancy and had star quality. Sophie stole the show, according to Cutrone, because of her strong Edie Sedgwick vibe. Jessica likes Sophie's look, but wants her to get a little more comfortable in her body. Alisha was 100% professional, and a fine mixture of tough but ladylike. Cutrone felt like Alisha was going to take everybody to a dirty nasty orgy castle with Snoop. Now we know what Kelly Cutrone thinks about in her private moments, I guess. Annaliese was cute and adorable, but Cutrone thinks she still looks more like a presenter than a fashion model. She is also continuously haunted by Annaliese, which is in fact better than being continuously haunted by Kelly Cutrone.
Nine beautiful girls stand before Tyra, but she only has eight photos in her hands. Those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. The judges felt that the Brits had the best overall video, with Alisha having the standout performance. She is clearly thrilled! Runner up for best performance is Sophie. Catherine is called , followed by Annaliese, Seymone, Laura and Eboni, This leaves Kyle and Azmarie in the bottom two. The judges think that they both have amazing model physicality. Azmarie has gorgeous photos, making everyone think she's one to look out for. However, the judges are concerned that she thinks she's too cool for school. Also, I think they want to get her out so a Brit can win. As for Kyle, she lacks oomph. But still she stays. Azmarie is out. Tyra says that she thought Azmarie would be a finalist, and could possibly win because she has an extra special something. That extra special something, however, is not a tooched booty, and Azmarie just should have worn the damn padded underwear. Even though Tyra seems like she's being cool and friendly, there is a vein on her forehead that clearly wants to jump out and strangle Azmarie. With the sage advice to be more cooperative, Tyra bids Azmarie adieu. I think that Azmarie could not actually give a shit. She says that Tyra found her in the midst of her journey, and allowed her a platform to continue growing. The world has seen her, not in a training tooch, and she's thankful for that.
week: People still hate Kyle, surprise! Estelle guest stars, and there are some dinnertime photo shoot shenanigans.
Potes is practicing her hoochie tooch right now while listening to Girls Aloud. You can tweet her @traciepotes, or email potesypotes@gmail.com.