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Most dramatic! Top Model! Ever! The girls are schooled in the art of traditional Thai dance. Joanie and Jade exchange words, and amidst all the hullabaloo no one seems to notice that Danielle has, like, totally passed out. While Danielle has a brief hospital stay for dehydration, exhaustion, and "a little bit of food poisoning," the rest of the girls must demonstrate their dancing skills in front of an audience and a few judges. Joanie finally wins a challenge, and Furonda continues to win the affections of the international community with her doofusery. The photo shoot for the week involves razors and elephants. Danielle pushes through the pain, Jade stiffens up (and continues her war on the English language), Furonda is gangly and awkward, Joanie comes up with some awesome moves, and Sara gets flak for poorly copying Joanie's awesome moves . At judging, the girls are forced to emote with their bodies, with hilarious results. The photos are actually all pretty good, but in the end it comes down to Furonda and Jade. And like the cockroaches who will survive the nuclear holocaust (but unlike Cher, who also will survive the nuclear holocaust but has the distinction of being awesome), Jade manages to last another week, while Furonda sashays and chantes into obscurity. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Danielle got her big old gap closed. Tyra and her drag queen doppelganger told the girls that they were going to Thailand, and taught us all a lesson about not having your female impersonator be skinnier than you. The theme of the first Thai photo shoot was "things that stink," and, unsurprisingly, the girls fit right in. And then, joy of joys, Nnenna was sent home, but not literally back to Africa, much to Brooke's chagrin.
We are in Bangkok, the land of fruits and vegetables and people swinging babies in makeshift hammocks. The girls hang out in their luxury hotel. Danielle says that her favorite quote, which she lives by, is, "What we do does not define us. What defines us is how we rise after falling." What about that old lady who yelled, "I've fallen and I can't get up," into her clapper or whatever it was? Does that count as "rising"? Furonda puts on makeup, and says that being in the bottom two, as she was last week, puts you in a vulnerable position, because the fact that you suck and are actually pretty unattractive is fresh in the judges' minds. I actually wouldn't give the judges' minds that much credit. Sara says that she has a lot of confidence in herself, but doesn't have confidence in her modeling, so until she can gain that confidence, she might have to fake it a bit. She says this as if she invented the concept, and, like, we know you went to Georgetown, but "fake it till you make it" has been around since the time of Confucius.
And then, something weird happens. Jade and Joanie are having breakfast, and Jade tells Joanie that she wishes Joanie well, and then wishes herself well. Joanie -- after living with Jade for several weeks -- is accustomed to hearing nonsense and mispronounced words and immediately tuning them out, and says, "Yeah, me too." And then Jade says that she could see Joanie being very demanding and a little "two-face-ed." Perhaps Jade is not actually an idiot, but prefers speaking in iambic pentameter? Except she doesn't actually know what iambic pentameter means, and just ends her words with "-ed" as a separate syllable occasionally, as in, "I'm pretty tir-ed, I think I'll go to b-ed." Joanie says that Jade isn't a good person on the inside. Seriously, if that chick that Ben Harper liked had diamonds on the inside, Jade has sewage. Joanie thinks that America's Top Model should be someone that others can talk and that others can look up to. Jade adds that Joanie isn't two-face-ed in a negative way, but that she has a mother instinct. O...kay. Jade (who has some serious dark roots) confessionalizes that Joanie doesn't strike her as a model, and if Joanie went to castings in New York, people would laugh at her. As opposed to what would happen if Jade went on a reality show in front of millions of viewers and showed the full extent of her I.Q. Also, way to ruin breakfast, asshole.
Meanwhile, Danielle reads a few scriptures from the Bible, which helps her to get where she needs to be in the midst of a draining competition. You want a winner's edit? I think that might be it.
Tyra Mail! "You will find yourself in a strange position tomorrow." Too bad Nnenna isn't here to say, "We'll be with guys?" The much more innocent-despite-her-stripper-aspirations Joanie conjectures that maybe they'll be in a circus. Please let Jade play "Roy."
The girls head off in their Van of the Future, and talk about how exhausted they are. Furonda says that they are constantly in motion, and wind up going to bed at 2 AM and waking up at 6 in the morning. Danielle says that Furonda is putting too much thought into it and is choking. Furonda needs to calm down, chill out, focus, and regroup. And that, in fact, is pretty good advice for all situations. The girls end up at the Patravadi Theatre, where they meet artistic director Patravadi Mejudhon, who has big square glasses and is widely known as the "Thai Woody Allen." She will be teaching the girls Thai classical dance, which requires expressiveness of both the face and body, and thus might be helpful to them as models. The girls watch four Thai classical dancers, who move their hands around a lot and move in short, quick little steps. Joanie says that the Thai dancers are breathtaking to watch, and that their movements are very precise. Jade notes how impressive their flexible wrists are.
Patravadi teaches the girls some basic movements. Danielle interviews that she's not feeling very well and has a bad migraine, but she knows that she has to keep going -- even through sickness. Jade says that the Thai moves are very intricate and also tell a story. Indeed, there is a motion for "I am" and "flowers" and "birds" and "love" and "shyness." I hope that Patravadi teaches the motion for "moron," so we can watch Jade do it over and over again. Patravadi says that it's important that the image of the hands looks good in the camera, and we get a quick picture of Tyra just to remind us that she is the best, and none of these skinny bitches will ever compare. You don't see people getting their dreams (that cost $500 or less) fulfilled on The Jade Show -- weekday mornings at 10, check your local listings -- do you? I didn't think so. Patravadi tells the girls that women's hands never go above the eyes, because high hands are a sign of arrogance. Jade interviews that she thanks Patravadi for letting her know that, because she doesn't have an ounce of arrogance in her body. How would she have room amongst the pounds of stupidity? Furonda says that her biggest weakness in the competition is her nerves, and adds that she doesn't retain information that quickly. That doesn't really make any sense, but I need to save my "dumb" jokes for Jade, so I'm just going to move on.
Patravadi teaches the girls the motion for anger, which involves placing your palm against the side of your jaw and then moving it sharply down while yelling, "Ugh!" in a vaguely sexual manner. We get a montage of this, which confirms my suspicion that Patravadi is a wildcat in bed. She shows the girls -- who are wearing Thai Hammer pants -- how to walk slowly in a method where your knees are bent quite a bit. Then they shuffle around in the little steps. A blurry camera reinforces to us that Danielle is not feeling well, and she tells us that things are getting faint to her and it feels like she's having an out-of-body experience. Welcome to being Jade. Patravadi says that the girls have learned a lot and she will give them time to practice. She tells them to be creative and beautiful, but not arrogant. Jade is all, "Oh no, not me!" Joanie interviews that Danielle has been woozy all day, and that because Danielle is so strong, it's particularly troubling to see her feeling so unwell. Danielle sits with her head in her hands, and Jade tells her that you've got to have fun with the Thai dance. The girls go to lunch, and Danielle starts to suspect that she might have a genuine, bona fide "illsness."
At lunch, Joanie says that she respects each and every one of the other girls for what they believe in. She adds, "Okay, Jade?" Jade is all, "Moi? Quoi?" Jade says that she knows what Joanie thinks of her. Joanie says that Jade is always defensive, and Jade rushes in with, "No I'm not!" Nice. Jade asks to who(m) ("m" added by me), and Joanie says to everybody. You can barely hear Joanie, however, because Jade keeps saying, "No I'm not," and, "Lies!" over her. Joanie says that Jade should listen to herself. God knows we've had to listen to her for long enough, and she deserves a taste of her own medicine. Furonda stays out of it and practices her dance moves. Jade interviews that Joanie is trying to corrupt things for her. Joanie says again that Jade is defensive, and Jade tries a glass of "Why are you getting so upset?" with a "You're just jealous" chaser. Joanie calmly says that she's not getting upset. Really, she's not. Furonda interviews that when Jade and Joanie get to arguing, it sounds like, "Wah wah wah wah" to her, and she tries to tune them out. Jade and Joanie continue to argue, and the "Wah wah wah wah" is surprisingly accurate. Joanie asks Jade if she doesn't think she needs to change, and Jade finally says, "Are you Tyra?" Joanie interviews that she doesn't think Jade respects her at all, and adds, "Even when I sit to her, all I smell is just...bitch." Awesome.
Meanwhile, amidst all the hubbub and bitchery, no one noticed that Danielle disappeared. We get a shot of a crewman carrying Danielle out of the building amidst a soundtrack of Danielle breathing heavily and crying. She is put into a van with a bat symbol on the back window and driven off. It's a good thing Jade didn't see this, or she would have run back to the others with the news that Danielle had been drugged and kidnapped by her nemesis. Commercials.
When we return, Danielle is crying and kind of moaning and being helped out of the van at the hospital. As we see her being taken in on a stretcher, she voices over that her whole entire body was numb, twitching, and shaking, and that she was more concerned with her health than with the competition. Danielle adds that she has never been to the hospital before, and to be in a country where you don't understand the language was very scary. (I got mono when I was in New Zealand, and I will say that even to be sick in a foreign country where English is spoken is scary, so I do feel for her.) We flash to Danielle with an oxygen tube in her nose as she lies on the bed.
Meanwhile, back at Dance Party Thailand, Sara notes that Danielle might have gone home. Nice observation, genius. Someone else says that she went to the doctor. Furonda interviews that none of them knows what's going on with Danielle, and so they're all just praying at this point. Patravadi tells the girls that they are going to be challenged on their Thai dance moves, in front of a real live audience and some judges. Joanie interviews that it might be to Danielle's disadvantage that she's missing the challenge. Well, it also might be to her disadvantage to die, so I think she made the right decision. There will be drummers and Thai musicians to accompany the girls. Jade says that this is a great test for them, because top models have to travel the world and learn different cultures. And, in Jade's case, to meet occupants of interplanetary craft. The girls get to outfit themselves with some great traditional garb and do their own makeup. Furonda says that she was in the bottom two the week so she needs to amp up her effort 1000%. Joanie notes that Jade won several times, and a person gets sick of it. Joanie just wants to win something. Perhaps she should try her luck at Powerball. The judges and audience enter, and it's time for a show.
The whole set-up with the drummers is pretty cool, if a bit like a garish Best Song production number at the Oscars. The girls walk out, and Furonda notes that the audience is full of Thai people, who know how the dance is supposed to go. All the better to mock and malign the contestants, I say. Jade goes out first, and says (in a manner suggestive of being on a crack binge) that she "fits the image of Thai," and it's tripping her out. Thailand is tripped out by this, as well. Jade does her dance and looks okay, if a bit uninspired. Joanie says that Jade tried to be very ornate and precise, but didn't smile at all. Patravadi says that Jade looked uncomfortable and worried in the eyes. The Thai people are so tactful.
Joanie is , and interviews that she thought she was going to do well, but started shaking because the adrenaline was kicking in. She dances and, while I'm sure it pales in comparison to her work on the pole, she does look pretty good. Jade interviews that she was watching Joanie and thought she was doing a great job. But Jade also says that she isn't intimidated, because Joanie just isn't on her level. Patravadi says that Joanie was very poised and elegant, and she liked the smile on her face. Joanie interviews that she did the best that she could and is really proud of herself.
is Sara. Try to imagine the Incredible Hulk doing ballet, and you'll have a somewhat accurate vision of what her Thai dance looks like. She admits that she had a hard time. Patravadi says that Sara is beautiful, and would do much better if she were more confident in what she was doing. Sara interviews that she doesn't think she has much of a career in Thai dance.
And then, the greatest thing. It's Furonda's turn. Furonda interviews that she was thinking, "You know, I don't remember too much about this Thai dance, but I'm going to do my best." Furonda looks an awful lot like Elaine Benes when she dances. She's kind of flailing and hopping around, and even the nice, mannered Thai audience laughs at her. Furonda says that her nerves took over, and that the Thai dance instruction went out the window; she just did "whatever." Joanie laughs in the background, and interviews that while she hit upon elements of hula and club, nothing Furonda did resembled Thai dancing in the slightest. Patravadi says that Furonda is good at entertaining, but needs to be more disciplined and to pay more attention to the techniques that were taught to her. The audience claps for Furonda and the rest of the girls. Outside, a cat runs away from Furonda, and she jokes that he probably saw her performance.
The girls return before the judges, one of whom is Siri Udomritthiruj -- who is a director for Elle Thailand. The judges have agreed that the winner is Joanie. Joanie is very excited to have finally won something. She gets to pick a friend to share a prize, and says that she picks Sara, because Sara has never won anything. And though there has been some talk of bitchery about this comment, I think she's just trying to share the wealth, because Jade and Furonda have collectively won or has been chosen by the winner to share in some choice prizes. Joanie has never won before either, so I don't think she means any harm. Sara says that she's happy that Joanie chose her, but she wants to be chosen because someone wants her to share in the prize, not because they feel sorry for her. Oh, buck up and be gracious, Jolly Green. The girls' prize is to dine with Siri, the Elle woman. Nice, but definitely not as good as diamonds.
Meanwhile, Danielle is at the hospital. The diagnosis is dehydration. Not the plague or something to do with pigeon shit? Huh. Danielle has an IV in her arm, and says that the doctors want her to stay in the hospital. She knows that she should stay, but there's no way that she's going to miss the competition. Danielle checks herself out -- but not in the way that Jade checks herself out, which undoubtedly involves pointing at the mirror and saying, "You lookin' fine, you beautiful biracial butterfly, you" -- and heads home.
Joanie and Sara have dinner with Siri. She gives Joanie a traditional Thai Warrior Head encased in glass. Joanie interviews that she is going to put it on the coffee table so Jade knows that there is a warrior looking at her all the time, and that warrior is Joanie. Siri asks Sara and Joanie what made them want to be models. Sara says that she had no modeling experience prior to the competition. Siri asks how Sara likes it so far, and she answers that there's more to it than smiling and being a pretty face. Siri tells them to always be aware of the repercussions of what they do each day, be aware of who they are, and hold themselves very well. Siri tells them to contact her if they ever come back to Thailand. I'm sure that's not sincere.
Tyra Mail! "Burn your bikinis. You'll have to rock it in a pair of trunks." There is no time for speculation, because Danielle is still sick. Furonda tries to wake her up, and Danielle voices over that her whole face is hurting, and she's not well. She says that she knows she feels this way because she went against the doctor's orders and left the hospital, and that she's in no shape to do a photo shoot. As my girlfriend said while we were watching this, "Drink some water." Danielle is battling with herself, because she does want to throw her hands up and go home. But I'm sure she'll bust out some of that "Quitters never win, and my mom has crippling arthritis!" business soon after we get back from commercials.
Meanwhile, Nicole is STILL at fashion week, because her Life as a Cover Girl lasted approximately 168 hours. She met with the folks at Ford, who talked about the successful models that they've launched. Please note that Naima is not one of them. In other news from the corporate world, Queen Latifah is still radiant, and kids love chicken nuggets.
When we return, Danielle tells us that she was not only suffering from dehydration, but from "exhaustion, and a little bit of food poisoning," as well. Did Danielle hire Lindsay Lohan's publicist? She's frustrated about missing a challenge, and has to dig deep within and find her drive. Furonda interviews that if Danielle misses the photo shoot, she'll probably have to go home.
The girls head to a place called Jungle House, where Jay Manuel is carried in on an elephant. Okay, that is pretty awesome. Jade interviews that to be to a creature "that preposterous and that big" was like...wow. Sometimes I feel like that about Jade, and I've only ever seen her through the TV screen. Today's shoot is for a new Venus razor that vibrates. Is that really necessary? Do you really want a sharp metal object doing that? And aren't razor blades expensive enough? The shoot will be in the middle of a jungle, in a location that can only be accessed on the back of an elephant. Those elephants must have had a lot of work getting the hair and makeup and cameras and trailers deep in the inaccessible jungle. After they get to their destination, the elephants will have their harnesses taken off and the girls will get to pose with them. Janice Dickinson would be all over this shoot, and probably cause one of the elephants to file a sexual-harassment claim. Sara says that she automatically starts thinking about the poses that she can do because she needs more variety. Jay asks Danielle what her long face is all about, and she says, "They're huge." Stop looking at Joanie's veneers and pay attention to the task at hand! Jay says that the elephants are also gentle, and we see one spraying itself with water...and it is the best. Then, for good measure, there is a shot of a monkey eating a banana. I guess that's to remind us about Jay's important role in the show.
Jay notes that the girls are in for a rocky ride on the elephants. They have to cross a river and everything. The poor elephants. Danielle looks like she might be sick. Jay tells the girls to get some water, I guess to let us know that Danielle's illsness is not the fault of the show. Furonda says that she's had to work harder than the rest of the girls at being more graceful, and she's not about to let this opportunity slip through her long, E.T. phone home fingers. The photographer for the shoot is Pongsak Tangtiwaja. Jay tells the girls that the concept of the shoot is to compare their smooth legs with the rough skin of the elephant. I wonder what a Botoxed elephant would look like. Speaking of, have you seen Kenny Rogers's face lately? Sweet Jesus. I love the man and all, but it is both time to walk away and to run. And while I'm at it, the internet is a marvelous thing. Jay shills razors for a while, and then sends the girls to a "shaving station," where they lather up and shave away. It reminds me of the time on the first season of Survivor, when Sue Hawk was giving an interview while shaving her legs with Dr. Sean's razor. TV was such a delight back in the day.
Danielle is first to shoot. Jay tells her that he knows she doesn't feel well, so she should tell him if she reaches her limit. Danielle says that the only thing keeping her going is her drive. Jay tells her that the shot will feature the legs, and that it should be a strong fashion pose. As soon as the camera goes off, the elephant gets nervous and starts moving around. Danielle is not pleased, and says that she's about to regurgitate on somebody's face. Please let that face belong to Jade. Or Jay. Okay, any of them really. Jay tells her that the elephant will get used to the camera after a few shots. Meanwhile, Sara interviews that she was very curious as to how everyone else is doing and wants to learn from the other girls. We get a shot of Jay, and Sara is totally hovering behind him and staring at Danielle. Jay loves Danielle's animalistic body language. Danielle says that she has no idea how her photo is going to turn out -- even though Jay said she did well, she isn't feeling it.
Jade is . She says that Danielle is a little ill, but when you model and travel you have to do well on shoots no matter what. Jade is ready to rock. She is ready to rock you with her stupidity, as well, as she says that she'll never forget shooting on the elephant, which reminds her of an ancient dinosaur. She adds, "'Cause they are in the dinosaur family." Yes, and birds are blind. And my cat, Miss Itty, pees apple juice. Is there some sort of National Geographic For Dummmies that we could buy from a charity drive, and then send in bulk to the show? Jade does not do a spectacular job and has trouble taking Jay's direction. Jay tells her that she's thinking about it too much, and notes that Jade becomes instantly stiff when he gives direction, and perhaps thinks it's a critique. Joanie agrees that Jade was stiff and looked uncomfortable with what she was doing. Sutan, the makeup artist, lies to Jade that she did well. Never trust a man who dresses like Tyra Banks, mostly because it means he shops at Victoria's Secret.
Furonda is , and interviews that the photo shoot is her chance to prove herself again. She looks totally loony as soon as she starts posing. Jay is not impressed, and tells Furonda to give him something direct and pretty. Jade interviews that Furonda is one of the weakest links. Jay says that Furonda's last shot was genius, and that when she gets it, she's gold. Unfortunately, the other 99% of the time can't be ignored.
Joanie is . She says that she wants to focus on doing the best poses. She has the idea of posing on the elephant's leg. She looks totally at ease, and Jay is impressed that she tried something new. Joanie then crawls up on the elephant's back and almost falls off. She reaches out her hand, and the elephant reaches back its trunk, and it's so awesome that it makes me want to give the elephant a big hug and then spoon it. Elephant, call me! Jade looks pissed, and once again interviews that she doesn't pay much attention to Joanie, because Joanie's not on her level. Jay says that Joanie has some magic with the elephant. She really does. She scratches the elephant's neck, and I wish it was me! Scratching the elephant's neck that is, though, Lord knows, I am not opposed to anyone who wants to scratch my head or neck either.
Sara says that Joanie was really creative and she rocked it, so going right after her motivated Sara to try to match that sort of energy. Sara tells Jay that she wants to start off by doing some of the poses on the elephant's leg, just like Joanie did. After she walks away, Jay says that Sara is basically biting Joanie's idea. Like, for real. The elephant's really big; I'm sure there's another body part that she could hang off of. Unfortunately, as Jay says, Sara didn't execute the leg poses in nearly the same graceful fashion as Joanie did. Jay says that in modeling, you have to make the shots your own. Joanie laughs at Sara. Sara gets up on top of the elephant and once again uses Joanie's poses. Joanie notes that Sara is copying her and it's getting on her nerves. I remember in second grade I had a friend named Billie, and she got pinstripe jeans, and then I got pinstripe jeans (three pairs, actually), and Billie totally sat me down and had a talking-to with me and was like, "You're copying me and you need to stop." So in a way I feel for Sara, because sometimes you want to be cool like other people are cool. But also, I was seven. Sara says that she got both positive and negative feedback, and can only hope that she has a good picture.
Back in Bangkok, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Furonda says that they're the cream of the crop, and that they all had a good photo shoot so it's really going to come down to who shows good personality at Panel. Jade says that she is a threat, and knows that a lot of the girls are intimidated by her. She adds that because she's a threat, a lot of the girls would be happy to see her go. I must feel threatened by Jade, too, because I am whipping up a pitcher of mojitos the minute that she's eliminated. Sara talks to Danielle about the whole copying issue. Sara says that imitation is a form of flattery. I half expect this to be product placement for the "Designer Imposters" line of perfumes. Danielle says that because Sara was right after Joanie, it looked like she was biting really bad. Sara defends herself by saying that she thought it would be fun to balance on an elephant's foot for once in her life. She interviews that she's still learning and still putting pieces together. Danielle interviews that she doesn't know what Tyra's going to think about her going to the hospital and missing the dance challenge. "It ain't over until Tyra does not call your name," says Danielle. I think she just inadvertently called Tyra a fat lady! Commercials.
When we return, the girls enter Panel. There are prizes, there are judges. The guest judge is Siri Udomritthiruj of Elle Thailand. The judging challenge is for the girls to express three emotions using only their body. They have to wear masks, too. Furonda is first, and Tyra says, "The first emotion..." Furonda busts into a pose, and Tyra tells her to wait because she didn't even give the first emotion yet. Heh. Miss J. asks what pose that was. With the finger pointing diagonally in the air, I would guess it was from Saturday Night Fever. The first emotion is sensuality. Furonda looks crazy. Actually, everyone looks kind of crazy. Joanie is still stuck on her Thai dance moves. The second emotion is despair. I would just pretend that I was looking at Jade for that one. The third emotion is compassion. That is the one I would do least well on, because recapping this show for four seasons has totally sapped my ability to be nice to anyone.
The girls return in front of Panel for their evaluations. Furonda is first. Miss J. says that her sensuality was "ouch," but Nigel appreciated her great sense of spirit and high energy. Tyra says that Furonda did anything, and would have busted into a pose if she had said, "Poopoompalaka." Jade thinks, "That's a type of spinach, right?" Furonda's photo is beautiful according to Nigel and Twiggy, though Miss J. says that she could have been more elegant in her legs. Tyra says that Furonda's film was very inconsistent. She has no medium -- she is either great or horrible. Siri says that this is bad from a magazine's the point of view.
Sara got each emotion very clearly, according to Tyra, but didn't look like a model. She asks whether Sara was thinking "model," and Sara says that she wasn't. Nigel: "Just a little memo; this is a modeling competition." Nice. Sara's photo is beautiful, and Twiggy says that it has none of her usual gangly discomfort. Tyra notes that Jay said Sara copied some of Joanie's poses and didn't make them her own. Miss J. tells Sara that if she's going to copy, she needs to do it in such a way that it clearly outshines what the other person has done. Well, if I must say, my pair of pinstripe jeans were tri-colored and pretty fabulous, and I was a lot skinnier. I feel better about that whole situation now. Tyra says that the phrase is "Steal from the best, and make it your own." Perhaps Tyra got a book deal when she was seventeen, too.
Jade is . Her poses were too much like Thai classical dancing, and Tyra says that the judges don't expect the girls to bring exactly what they learned in their challenges to Panel, but rather to incorporate elements of it into their modeling. Tyra says that she didn't specify that on purpose, because it's part of the test. Tricky! Jade's photo is awkward, according to Nigel, and Twiggy says that her leg looks peculiar. Tyra says that Jade's film was beautiful, but very stiff. If she had relaxed, it would have been more elegant. Jade just turns around and walks away with a smile on her face. Tyra notes that she dismissed herself.
is Joanie, whose poses were also too Thai dance-like, even though she gets kudos for winning the challenge. Joanie's photo is great according to Miss J., who tells Sara that she's a big fat failure at copying. Twiggy says that Joanie has consistently had great photographs. Nigel says that for someone with such vivid body language in photos, Joanie looks like crap in person. Tyra tells Joanie to take off her dowdy gray tank top (she's wearing a strappy white one underneath), which makes her look more womanly and modelesque.
Danielle's poses get mixed reviews. Tyra thinks that she had some great poses in the mix. Miss J. asks what Danielle was thinking behind her mask. Danielle explains that she didn't get to participate in the Thai dance challenge because she was in the hospital. Nigel says that Danielle is kind of high-maintenance. Her photo gets raves from Miss J., and the judges agree that she didn't look sick in the slightest. Tyra says that she has a stomach condition, and it's the worst pain in the world, but she just has to model through it. Is it worse pain than having a metal spike stuck in your leg? Then shut up, Tyra. Miss J. says that fashion has no mercy.
The judges dismiss the girls so they can deliberate. Jade was very tight according to Nigel, and Siri says that she was also stiff in the dance competition. Miss J. says that even though he wasn't a fan of hers at the beginning, Jade has produced beautiful pictures. The Twig says that she is photogenic, but she feels that she knows better than everyone. Danielle did a wonderful job even though she was sick. Tyra notes that she missed the challenge, and Twiggy says that you can't fault someone if they're genuinely sick. Nigel says that despite taking good pictures, Danielle is almost impossible to understand when she speaks. Twiggy agrees that she needs to start working on her speech, and Tyra says that she has to be a little less ghetto. Joanie's photo was beautiful, and Siri says that Joanie was great in the competition and knows how to perform. Except, Nigel adds, when it comes to judging. Tyra voices over in a choppy, awkward way that Furonda's photo was beautiful, but in person she's all over the place. Miss J. says that she doesn't quite get it, but Nigel likes her charm, energy, and spirit. Notice he doesn't mention her face. Siri says that Furonda's Thai dance was incredible in terms of entertaining the audience, but it lacked grace. Tyra is surprised at how good Sara's photo is. Twiggy thought her posing was good in the judging challenge, but Nigel asks if it's too little, too late.
The judges have reached a decision. There are five girls, and four photos, and Jade quickly does the math in her head and figures out that everyone gets two and a half. Joanie, Sara, and Danielle are safe. This, of course, leaves Jade and Furonda in the final two. Furonda has a great personality, but doesn't quite "get it." Jade is a stupid whore, as usual. Tyra says that Jade marches to her own drum, but if she knew everything she'd be a supermodel already. And she obviously isn't. And then Tyra says, in a really disparaging way, "And Furonda...we don't know what you're marching to." Ouch. In the end, Jade gets a photo. It is kind of sad, but I have stopped caring a little bit, too. Tyra tells Jade that she has potential, and not to be her own worst enemy. Furonda goes and hugs the other girls, then sashays the hell out of the judging room, to the delight of everyone. Work it, bitch!
At home, Furonda wears her Fluffy Tiara of Truth. She says that she does march to the beat of her own drum, but doesn't consider that a negative. Of course she is surprised to be going home, she says, and adds that the judges must have lost their heads. She feels good that she made it to the final five, because she's been on the chopping block for a while. Furonda's happy with her progress and sheds no tears as she leaves, which makes it easier for us to lack emotion, as well.
time: The girls wear weird anime animal heads, and there is a swimsuit shoot. Meanwhile, Joanie questions Sara's commitment to the competition, and says she feels like a bitch. Sometimes that happens when you are being a bitch. Or so I've heard.