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No fucking way! Okay, okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. So first, the girls work with a media coach and then go through a mock-interview with some guy from Vanity Fair who relies on the old journalistic technique of just being really mean to people rather than asking questions. , Danielle caves and gets the gap narrowed. In the end, it was a good move. She looks great. The girls go to dinner where one of the makeup artists randomly surprises them by appearing whilst in Tyra drag, because this show is not gay enough. Then Tyra comes, too, and announces that everyone is going to Thailand. Yay! Nnenna, as the winner of the interview competition, and Jade, as her partner in an unholy alliance, get treated to a day at a Thai spa, and the other girls must attend to them. Furonda is a foe of skin-on-skin contact, and so manages to massage Nnenna with one long, E.T.-like finger. The mermaid-themed photo shoot for the week entails hanging upside down in a fishing net at the floating market in Bangkok Also in the fishing net are, well, some dead fish. Sweet justice. It's a physically demanding challenge, and while Jade, Joanie, and Danielle shine, the rest of the girls aren't quite as impressive. And then, the moment you've been waiting for. The bottom two at Panel are Furonda and Nnenna. And, clearly, I know what you're thinking. But you're wrong! And I'm wrong! Because Nnenna goes home! I KNOW! And so we are left with a final five that includes both Jade and Furonda. Wrap your heads around that one. This show is magic. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Joanie got the snaggle removed and reminded us all why we're afraid to go to the dentist. Danielle refused to close the gap between her two front teeth. The girls had to cry and be beautiful in a shoot directed by Tyra, and we all laughed knowingly at the "beautiful" part. And Brooke went home, leaving an outraged nation to say, "Oh, okay, then." Six girls remain!
And before I start, a correction: last week I mentioned Jay's long-held desire to be a dentist, much like Harvey the Elf from the children's television special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. As several astute readers have pointed out, the name of the gayest elf ever from Rudolph was actually Hermey. Yes, Hermey the Elf who wanted to be a dentist. Mea culpa. I most likely mixed up Hermey with stories that my dad told me about Harvey the Drunken Elf, who almost ruined Christmas by getting loaded and wrecking Santa's sleigh. Rudolph somehow conveniently saved the day. As my mom likes to say now, "I think your dad was probably half in the bag when he was telling you that story." Good times!
It is night at the house. A mock-scared-looking Furonda and Nnenna stand in front of Jade, who giggles. If I ever had to stand face to face with Jade, I would be scared for reals. Except then I would point and yell, "Your face is turning totally purple! I think your head scarf might be wrapped too tightly!" to distract her and quickly run away, just narrowly escaping doom. Turns out that Jade is impostering (at least, I'd imagine that's what she'd call it) Tyra, saying that she has only one picture in her hand and all that business. It's less amusing than you might think. She gives Furonda the picture, leaving Nnenna to be mock-eliminated. Remember this moment.
Nnenna interviews that Jade is her favorite person in the house. See, I told you Nnenna was sketchy. We see confessional footage of the two of them palling around together. Well, technically I think they're supposed to be "joking around," and the punch line is, "Please fall into a ditch." Sara interviews that, at first, Jade and Nnenna seemed like opposites, but as she's been getting to know them, she's noticed a lot of similarities. You guys, Nnenna is worse off than we thought. Nnenna says that she and Jade have formed a friendship, even though they are in competition, and just hope that the best person wins. They're both putting their support behind Danielle, then? All right!
Meanwhile, Furonda practices her runway walk. She says that things are looking up. She's improving, and the judges are taking notice of her. Cut to Twiggy saying that, at first, she didn't think Furonda was photogenic, but has been proven wrong. It's true that her pictures have been really good, even if she is still not, say, pretty in the slightest. She tells us that she's becoming a "forerunner" in the competition, and that's setting her on the path to "Win win win win win win." The walking Furonda says that her joints are burning. And also, my eyes.
Meanwhile, Danielle is upset about Tyra telling her to get her gap closed. She says that the competition is getting serious. She doesn't want to go home because she refuses to get the gap closed, but she clearly doesn't want to get it closed, either. Danielle worries that it's going to look "jank." I miss that word. I hereby revise Jade's Garbage Pail Kid card to "Janky Jade." (On a side note: Oh, my God, how awesome is this?)Sara says that it's going to work out fine, and that Danielle might completely love it. Danielle doubts it. She says that this is the biggest challenge that's ever faced her. And, also, the biggest challenge she's ever faced, I'd imagine.
Tyra Mail! "How pressed are you to win? Find out if you can handle the stress." Will the girls have to face some sort of medieval torture device? One can only hope.
The girls head off to meet Rachel McCallister, co-president of MPRM Public Relations. She has the most boring voice in history. Yes, more boring than Nnenna's. Yes, more boring than Naima's. Rachel's job is to media-train the company's clients and help them acquire the skills to give effective interviews. She's there to give the girls some dos and don'ts for dealing with the press. Rachel tells them not to be surprised if someone comes up to them and says that their fathers are really horrified that they're doing a nude shoot. Cut to Joanie. Rachel tells them each to respond that it's an area of concern for him, but that he's really supportive. In other words, to lie. She says they should focus on the positive.
Rachel says that the girls will be asked a lot of questions, such as, "I hear your boyfriend caught you with another guy. What was that all about?" Nnenna starts to laugh uncontrollably, and we get the shot of her kissing Vaughn, which I suppose has its own contractual obligation to be featured in every episode. Jesus. Nnenna says that she thinks everything is going to be fine, and then puts her head in her hands. Rachel says that she inadvertently hit the jackpot: she didn't even know that that had happened. ["I'm so effing sure." -- Wing Chun] Rachel tells Nnenna and the others to know that the one question they don't want to be asked will be asked. She says that all the girls seemed to understand what she was saying, but that the real test will be today's challenge, because she'll never be as tough as a reporter. Then it doesn't seem like she's doing a good job in preparing them, does it? The challenge will be for the girls to meet with columnist George Wayne, who will interview the girls and judge them on how well they answer the questions and how well they present themselves.
George Wayne is from Vanity Fair. Oh, goodie. He is also from the grand country of Foreignia, whose residents are always given away by their vaguely European accents and blue silk ties. He is also the much more annoying younger cousin of Bruce Wayne, and has long been thought to be the identity behind the sort of doughy, irritating, and useless superhero known as Gnatman. George says that if the girls have never heard his name before, they won't be able to forget it by the end of the evening.
Jade is first. George asks Jade what made her consider modeling and whether she thinks she photographs well. She says yes, she does photograph well, and that she can play with her age and versatility of looks. George tells us that when he interviews celebrities, he goes for the jugular in a good way. I wish he would go for Jade's jugular in a literal way. George asks Jade what's up with the head wrap. She says it's just the Jade style. Gnatman then appears on the scene, and busts out with, "You look like an arrogant bitch to me." Apparently he's been briefed. Jade says, "I'm sorry?" And Gnatman tells Jade she thinks she's Nina Simone. Jade says that she's trying to defeat the negative perceptions she's encountered, because she's very real and cool, and also -- you guessed it -- an exotic biracial butterfly. George says, "Interesting." He tells us that he's not afraid to ask tough questions because that's his job, and he thrives on it. Well, those aren't really questions; he's just being mean to them. Nonetheless, if he really thrives on his job so much, I triple dog dare him to tell Gwyneth Paltrow that she looks like an arrogant bitch.
More interviews. George asks Danielle what her worst attribute is. Danielle says she's stubborn and cantankerous, and so George follows up by asking her how to spell "cantankerous." Danielle can't spell it.
George asks Sara whether she'd give up her boyfriend for her career. Sara says that it wouldn't be all or nothing, because they have a strong relationship.
George asks Joanie to take down her hair and shake it around. She does. He says that she doesn't have any sexiness about her. She tries to seductively say, "I'm not sexy?" and he says not really. Joanie asks whether her hair is pretty. I can't understand his reply, but I'm sure it's pretty mean.
, George tells Furonda that she thinks she's the Queen of Sheba. Furonda says, "I've never been to Sheba," with such a straight face that I don't know whether she's being sarcastic or not. George calls Furonda a lioness, and she roars. Their whole exchange is weird and kind of gives me the willies. Maybe she's just feeling feisty after getting some sweet lady love from Raggedy Ann.
George asks Nnenna what is her most amazing physical asset. Nnenna says that it is her smile. George says that he's dumbstruck, and that Nnenna must get that all the time. She asks why, and he says that she is a gazelle. This seems like a compliment before he adds that Nnenna is a snob. Nnenna says that she doesn't think so, and George says that he can tell from her reaction. Nnenna says again that she is not a snob. George asks what the one thing is that Nnenna would like the world to know. Nnenna says that she has a big family in Africa, and that she thinks having fair trade would help them. Oh, tell it to Angelina Jolie. We watch this show to see girls in their underwear. George tells her that she sounds like a Miss World contestant. Nonetheless, he tells us that Nnenna has a good presence and is very smart, and that you can tell that she's a very complex creature.
George gives the girls his review. Furonda handled a tough session well. Joanie was the truest of all the girls. Danielle has a good presence, but needs to improve her speech. Sara is smart, but he's not sure whether this is really what she wants to do. We get a little voice-over from Sara saying that she needs to figure out what she's doing that makes people question her dedication to modeling and fix it immediately. Nnenna handles herself well under pressure, even if she's a little snobby. Jade needs to relax a little bit, and to learn that a little humility goes a long way. Tell it to someone who's human, George. George can only choose one winner, and that person is Nnenna. Interesting. George says that she gives a good interview, and has potential to be the best Top Model ever. Furonda says that Nnenna is consistently hitting the nail on the head, and that Furonda's going to have to work harder to beat Nnenna on the one. Nnenna will get a spa treatment for her prize, and gets to select one friend to share the prize with. She picks Jade. Joanie says that Jade and Nnenna have won six challenges, and that she's sick of them winning. The rest of the girls will have to cater to Jade and Nnenna at the spa, which sucks. Nnenna says that the others have a right to be mad because they keep losing the challenges, but, "this is a competition. What do you expect? Somebody's gotta win, and somebody's gotta lose." I'm sure these words will be of great comfort to Nnenna in just about fifty minutes from now.
George leaves, and Danielle talks to Joanie. Joanie says, "Maybe you should stick to it and don't do it." She is, of course, talking about the gap. Danielle says that if she doesn't get it closed, she's going home. Sara interviews that Danielle sees her gap as something that makes her unique, because it's become her signature. Joanie tells Danielle that she thinks she'll have peace (or as the captions tell us, "piece") of mind if she doesn't do it and will feel better inside. I really hope Joanie isn't being shady here. Joanie adds that she doesn't want Danielle to go home. Danielle interviews that she's trying to remain calm and not to trip, and it's the business, so she should go along with it, but she's disturbed. She's still undecided about what she'll do. Danielle tells us that she had to go home and call her mama, who is her strength. Danille tells her mom that it's taken so long for her to get comfortable with her gap, and now she's pissed off because she's being told that if she doesn't close it, she'll go home. Danielle's mother says, with a voice somewhat reminiscent of Bea Arthur's, that Danielle should remember the girl from Texas -- she, of course, means Cassandra -- who loved her hair more than being in the competition. Mama says that in the modeling industry, that's going to happen. Mama adds that Danielle has to step up to the plate, and that will make the difference between her staying and leaving. Mama says that Danielle has to call the shot on this one, and asks Danielle what she wants. Mama sounds awesome, and also like she's smoked six packs of Parliaments a day for the last thirty years. Commercials.
When we return, Danielle goes back to the dentist. Dr. Edgardo Falcon Jr. tells her that he may not be able to close the gap completely, but that he wants to reach a happy medium and still have something that looks natural. She says that she doesn't want to be ashamed to smile, and he says that won't work in her line of work anyway. Dr. Falcon says that he wants to make Danielle happy, and also look, as Tyra would say, fierce. Dr. Falcon is a fan of the show! I wonder if he is doing this work for free, or perhaps with hopes of a free dinner at Tyra's Rib Shack. Danielle interviews that she does respect Tyra's opinion, and has to suck it up, bite her lip, and get her gap closed, as much as she doesn't want to. Dr. Falcon starts the filing, which they blessedly don't show in great detail. Sooner than you can say "Hilary Duff," Danielle has two new front teeth. Dr. Falcon shows her before and after photos. He says that he couldn't close them all the way, and that if he did, he says, "they'd look like..." Danielle finishes his sentence: "Chiclets." I love her. Dr. Falcon asks Danielle whether she's happy, and she says she is. There is still a little gap there, but overall it really does look better. Tyra was right, after all. Tyra: 1. Potes: 405. Danielle says that it's weird having the gap closed, because it's been a part of her all her life, but that she's going to keep a smile and keep going.
At home, Sara talks to her boyfriend and tells him of the woes of not having her desire to be a model taken seriously. She interviews that being found in a mall has worked against her. Sara says that her desire has been questioned numerous times, and that she hates hearing it. Her boyfriend tells her to go the extra mile. Sara interviews that she needs to show how much she wants to be there.
The girls go out to dinner in a restaurant that Nnenna describes as looking very "cultural." They hear some heels clicking, and in walks a Tyra Banks drag queen. He isn't even trying with the voice. Turns out it's Sutan, the makeup artist. A caption describes him thusly: "Ty-ra Banks: Sutan In Drag." Like, they really have to reinforce what the girls just said in case we misheard them and just assumed that Tyra had a really bad night or something. Also, "Ty-ra" is no kind of drag queen name. "Tyred Banks," maybe, "Tyra Skanks," definitely, but just adding a hyphen doesn't cut it. Suddenly, the real Tyra Banks comes in. In case there is a question about her identity, she is captioned as, "Tyra Banks: The Real Deal." They should have said, "The Real Tyra: Check Out The Thighs If You Don't Believe Us."
Sutan is like a thousand feet tall. Sutan and Tyra mug for a while about who is the real Tyra. Tyra says that she's "Ty-Ty Baby," and Sutan says that he's, "Ty." It's so dumb. And then Tyra yells, "You know what, I think the only way we're going to be able to settle this IS TO GO TO THAILAND!" Well, that was abrupt. And I feel cheated that just because "Thai" is a homophone for "Ty" we have been cheated out of a "Pack your bags, y'all." This show is ass. Oh, but it will get better. The girls jump up and down and all around. Danielle interviews that a few minutes ago she was depressed about the gap: "Forget the gap, sucka, I'm going to Thailand." Tyra tries to talk up Thailand as a legitimate fashion location by mentioning Thai fashion week. Soon, she'll be like, "Get ready to pack your bags, because you'll be the divas of the season at Guantanamo Bay fashion week!" Furonda says that she doesn't know whether Thailand is ready for Furonda, so they'd better brace themselves. Apparently, the Thai people value aesthetics and beauty. Brace themselves, indeed. Joanie quite charmingly says that she's only ever been to Canada. She really is in a battle with Danielle for my everlasting devotion.
Jade tells us once again that we are going to Thailand. The girls pack. Furonda puts a shawl over her head and says she's Jade. Furonda says that leaving the house is bittersweet. I can't believe they never got into the Black Dahlia stuff (see the "Killer House" forum for more details). Joanie, who likes to pack in her underwear, says that being down to the final six, everyone really has to step it up. Jade packs some gumballs in a plastic bag. Don't spit it on the street! Or, rather, since it's Jade, do. The girls leave. Nnenna says that she doesn't know what's in store in Thailand, but that she has high expectations of herself and thinks that others have high expectations of her, too. Furonda says that Nnenna is one of her main competitors, and that she's going to have to work harder if she's going to win. The girls fly to Thailand and are accompanied by the most hilarious graphic ever. It's a little plane following the route on the map, just like they have on The Amazing Race, but there are pictures of the girls in each of the windows. Oh, and the plane is bright purple. It's awesome.
Sooner than you can say, "The crème de la crème of the chess world in a show with everything but Yul Brynner," we are in Bangkok. Bangkok looks a lot like Times Square. The girls arrive at the airport, and are greeted by a crazy-ass-looking pink van. Furonda says that she's never seen anything like it. Look in the mirror, sweetheart. In the van, Joanie practices some Thai words. She interviews that because they may hope to work in Thailand at some point, it's very important to make a good impression and learn and respect the Thai culture. Joanie would, like, totally use correct capitalization and never talk about the boards on the boards if she were to join the TWoP forums. I love Joanie! Sara tells the others that they learned a lot of stuff while on the plane. Furonda asks how you say, "How much?" She then asks how you say, "Too much!" Oh, that Furonda, she loves a bargain! Furonda interviews that she can't wait to shop, because she has 3,000 baht and is planning to spend it all. A helpful caption tells us that 3,000 baht equals $77.00. I think that $77.00 actually will buy you a lot in Thailand. Nonetheless: heh.
The girls arrive at their hotel, which is no joke. Joanie says that it takes your breath away, it's so beautiful. The girls are greeted by young Thai ladies, and get some fancy-looking bracelet things and a champagne glass full of a delicious-looking beverage. The girls enter their suite, which is amazing. Jade says in that irritating way of hers that the suite is fit for a king, but that they are queens, and it suits them to a "T." There is a big sunken tub and separate Jacuzzi tub, and loveliness all around. Bitches.
Meanwhile, Joanie and Sara are still studying. Jade says that traveling the world is part of being a top model, and that this will be a good chance to see who can handle the culture shock. I actually think that this group is probably pretty up to the challenge.
The girls head to a spa, where Jade and Nnenna will be pampered, and the rest of the girls will do some of the pampering. I just pray to God that none of them has to touch Jade's feet. Nnenna interviews that she's won most of the challenges so far and says that it's good to be doing well, and not to be one of the jokers in the bottom of the pack. Nnenna says that she thinks she's doing outstanding. Soon, she will be out standing on the corner.
Sara interviews that Joanie and Furonda will be helping out with massaging Nnenna and Jade. The spa attendant shows them some of the products they'll be using, and Furonda says quite seriously, "They gonna be naked?" She does not look pleased. I think this will be a fine time to see whether Jade actually is covered in scales, so Furonda should be excited. Sara adds that she and Danielle are going to be assisting the girls with their baths. Danielle throws a hunk of petals in a full tub with some force. The spa attendant rushes over to demonstrate that you must place each petal individually and with care. Danielle says to the attendant that they were just kind of chunking them in the tub, but they will now meticulously put them in there. She actually says "meticulous," and it is always a shock when a word of more than two syllables comes out of the mouth of a Top Model contestant. Unless that person is Jade, and the word is "fasazznessess." After the spa attendant leaves, Danielle starts chunking the petals in again, and actually dumps over her box full of petals to empty it out. Danielle interviews that she felt bad about not doing her job, and that she "straight failed," but that she was exhausted. We see Danielle falling asleep, as Sara swooshes water on Jade and Nnenna, who actually have to sit in the tub together. I hope Sara got her Cootie shot this year.
Joanie tells us that she's taking the massaging responsibility very seriously, because she has respect for the Thai culture. Furonda, on the other hand, says, "I don't work well with bodies and touching on people, feeling them. I don't do well with that. I'm a model, not a masseuse." We see Furonda quite hilariously dip her index finger into the bowl of oil and massage Nnenna's leg with that one finger. Granted, that finger looks like this, so maybe it's really the only tool she needs. Furonda asks Nnenna whether it feels good, and Nnenna says that it feels like Furonda is scratching her. Furonda should patent her special one-finger massage. Sara and Danielle crack up. Meanwhile, the worst has befallen Joanie, and she is actually touching Jade's feet. Gah! But she doesn't really seem to mind. Joanie says that respect is important in Thailand, and that you always have to do your best no matter what. Joanie tries to tell Furonda that she's supposed to mimic what the masseuse is doing, and Furonda quite uncharitably tells her to mind her own business. Joanie interviews that Furonda is doing her own thing and doesn't really care about anything else. Furonda asks Nnenna whether she needs anything else, and then asks for a tip. I am about to say that Furonda is a pill, but then she interviews that she's so glad the whole thing is behind her and now she can go wash her finger and snap out of it, and I am back to just thinking that she's a riot. The girls head home, as we head to commercials.
Meanwhile, Nicole walks in the ElleGirl/Ford Fusion show at fashion week. She walks first, but is outstaged by a giant vehicle parked at the base of the runway. The whole thing really puts me in the mood for a game of Plinko.
We return to Tyra Mail. "I know it's tough being around so many girls, so get some tail." Jade is like, "How'd they find out I hang with the Furries?" Sara says, "I wish." Nnenna gets all excited, and says hopefully, "Are we gonna be around guys?" Oh, go soak your bits in a Thai iced coffee. Sara says quite practically that they'll be around animals. Danielle wonders exactly what kind of tail they'll be getting. If it were me, I'd choose lobster tail, but that's another story.
The girl travel in their crazy futuristic bus to a canal that is filled with boats of fruits and vegetables and other delicious-looking sundries. And, also, women steering the boats. Just in case you thought they were being piloted by Captain Carrot or something. And speaking of carrots, Jay is there to tell the girls that they're in the famous Thai floating market, which will be the scene of their first shoot. Jay says that you can also buy fish at the market, which is where they've gotten the idea for today's photo shoot. The girls will be the "catch of the day," and will have to hang upside down in a fish net while wearing mermaid garb. The shoot is for Banana Boat sunblock, and Jay tells us that Banana Boat wants us to celebrate the sun with their anti-burn system. Another good anti-burn system is "shade." Jay tells them not to forget to put on their Banana Boat before they get in the harness. Yeah, "That's What She Said." The photographer for the day is Jaturong Hirankarn.
The girls get slathered in sunblock, have their hair and makeup done, and also get fitted into the harness. The harness is like what they would wear if they were starring in a high-school production of Peter Pan. I say this from experience. Jade sprays on what appears to be that weird SPF 2 tanning oil -- a.k.a. cigarettes for the skin -- and lies alongside the canal. Please let her emerge extra-crispy.
Danielle is first, and, having already been harnessed and tailed, lies in the fishnet to get placed appropriately. Jay says that if they really pulled Danielle out of the sea, there would be a mess of other things in the net, too, and thus a production assistant adds seaweed and fish to the net. Because, really, you need a certain level of authenticity when you're depicting a mermaid being pulled out of a canal filled with boats and vegetables. Danielle is quite appropriately grossed out by fish juice running on her. She says that if a piranha starts biting her neck, she will be a mad sister. She is hoisted up into the air over the canal. Someone asks Danielle how it smells, and she says that she just threw up in her mouth a little bit. I expect her to follow this with a "Bwah!" or "Word!" or "This is Television WITHOUT Pity, and that's how we do things here. ETA: YMMV." Jay says that the idea of the shoot is that the model's upside down. Danielle flips and screams, as more fish juice runs down upon her body. I say cry me a river of fish juice, because once I was driving behind a truck that had streams of liquid pouring out of the back, and that liquid not only smelled atrocious, but was splashing all over my car, and the only conclusion that could be drawn was that it was a truck full of fish. It was horrible. Also horrible is the physical challenge (and not the Double Dare-type physical challenge, although that would probably involve fish juice, too) of working in the harness. Danielle says that she is in a lot of pain, and that her uterus is probably flat as a pancake. You can see her struggle to regain her composure in the middle of the shoot. Jay asks whether she wants to rest a little, and she says she just wants to get it over with. Jay is impressed at how Danielle moves her arms, and also how well she knows her angles. He says that he feels like a proud papa, because Danielle really knows what she's doing. Also, even though it might go without saying, Danielle makes a really pretty mermaid.
is Nnenna, who, in addition to the standard mermaid costume, is wearing blue netting on her upper body. It's weird. Nnenna interviews that it was a difficult shoot because when she thinks of mermaids she thinks of long, luxurious hair, and she had no kind of extensions or anything to work with. Jay asks her to be more feminine about her arm movements, and asks for a different facial expression. Sara says that Nnenna started at the top and has coasted from there. But the competition is about improving, and Sara doesn't think that Nnenna has been improving. Jay tells Nnenna to push a little, and she says that her circulation is being cut off. Furonda says that they all put Nnenna up on a pedestal, but that she didn't appear to do as well as expected on the photo shoot.
Jade is , and despite the lovely mermaid outfit, I am not at all convinced that she wants to be part of our world. Jay says that frame after frame is pretty. He asks Jade when she learned how to model and become soft. Jade says that she's listening, watching, and learning. Jade interviews that she doesn't know why she keeps landing in the bottom two, but that she's coming back with a vengeance. Sometimes Jade really rocks the photo shoots and challenges. It's disheartening. Or, as Jade would say, "disenhardenening." Jay says that Jade was always hard, but now knows how to look soft, which is a difficult feat when you're hanging upside down, or made of flesh-colored plasticine. He's impressed.
Sara is , and her hair is in kind of a crazy Mohawk. Jay directs her, and says that she looked like a scared guppy in the first twenty frames, but that once she got it together she started looking like a model. I think part of it is just getting the hang of hanging from a big-ass net. It's really not a natural position whether or not you were found in a mall. Sara is trying to learn and get better, and to show her desire to be a model and be in the competition.
Meanwhile, Furonda complains about everything from the harness to her costume to the stinky water and nasty fish. She says that she just wants to get through it so she can get back to her air-conditioned trailer. Sara says that she's been turned off by Furonda's diva attitude, and that you need to get over yourself if you're going to be in the modeling industry. The pain of the shoot is showing in Furonda's face, and Jay says that she looks like fish bait. She really has a hard time getting it together.
Joanie is , and espouses her love for Banana Boat products. Jay tries to direct her, and Joanie says that she feels like she's going to throw up because she just drank a lot of coffee. Jay asks us why, if you knew you were going to be "inverted upside down," you would drink a whole cup of coffee. I think perhaps one Mr. Coffee Nerves has struck again! Perhaps a small cup of Postum will rectify the situation. Joanie gets over her nausea, but then has to face another foil: her boobs are falling out of the mermaid costume. Yes! Another point for the boobless. Not that I'm counting. She interviews that just wearing a strapless top is considered overexposure to most Thai women, and that she doesn't want to offend anyone with her vulgar displays of mer-flesh. Jay says that he couldn't see the pain in Joanie's face, and that she has a nice, soft expression. She turned it out and looked great. The Thai boat women clap as Joanie is hoisted back to land.
Back at the Thai Palace, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Jade says thatshe has no idea who is the most vulnerable. Nnenna says that she doesn't know what will happen at the elimination. She thinks that her shoot went well, so she isn't too worried. Hubris, meet Foreshadowing. Jade says in conversation with Nnenna that the world will be very upset if they leave. The sound of "Ha!" echoing throughout the various nations of our planet leads us into commercials.
A photo in which Tyra's fat has been airbrushed right off the continent leads us to Panel. Tyra greets the girls in Thai before telling them what they already know: one of them must be eliminated. There are prizes, there are judges. The guest judge is photographer Jaturong Hirankarn. Tyra says that, as a model, you need to know how to sell yourself on the spot, so for the judging challenge, they need to sell a persona to the judges. It can be cute, quirky, or, if some of them want to express their real personalities, grating, simple-minded and disagreeable.
Joanie is first. She tells the judges her motto: life is a track meet, not a marathon, and it's over quicker than you think, so you should do it right the first time. My motto is that whether life is a track meet or a marathon, you'll find me at the bar. Jade says that her look is versatile, and that she can transform herself into various ethnicities. She then says that she can fit into certain molds, which she really wants to break. Just take for granted that nothing she says is going to make any sense. Sara says that she's intelligent, and uses her intelligence to...she doesn't finish her sentence, because intelligence and modeling are not exactly in bed together. Joanie says that a smile is the sword to beauty. In that case, her lips once conceal a snaggly ninja. Furonda says nothing, as crickets chirp. Danielle says that she has an outlasting gap which is her signature trademark. Jade says that her body is proportionable. I'm starting to think that Jade should run for President. Sara goes on about her intelligence. Jade says that when she does speak, people see the other side of Jade. The even dumber side. Nnenna says that ANTM will help her break into the industry, and some fading on the part of the editors make us realize that she goes on in a boring fashion for some time. Danielle talks about her long wavy hair. Sara says that intelligence is extremely sexy and marketable. Jade says that what you see is what you get, and then tells them not to judge a book by its cover. Is there anything that is the opposite of MENSA that Jade can join? Dumbnesses Anonymous, maybe? Nnenna says that, most of all, what she wants her publicity as America's Top Model to do is enable her to walk into the Nigerian embassy and be recognized. First conquer Walgreen's, then the world. Furonda says that this has been a wonderful and surreal experience. Danielle says that her long legs are ready for the runway. Furonda asks, "Is that what you were looking for?" and the judges kind of throw up their hands. And, maybe a little, just throw up.
Evaluations. Joanie was a bit bland according to Miss J., and Nigel tells her that she needs to deliver her lines, and not just say them. Tyra was upset that nothing Joanie said was original. Nigel says that she'll be known as a bumper-sticker model. "My other car is a snaggletooth." Her mermaid photo, however, gets raves. Tyra brings up the coffee thing, and says that part of the reason Joanie was nauseated might have been because she was the only model who was totally upside down. She gets kudos.
Twiggy says that Jade contradicted herself by saying "What you see is what you get," and then, "Don't judge a book by its cover." Jade's laughing, probably as she is thinking, "I never thought I was contraditionalistic [sic]." Twiggy laughs, because she feels safe commenting on Jade's idiocy with witnesses in the room. Nigel asks whether "proportionable" is even a word. Miss J. says that he's her biggest fan, but that her appearance -- with the head thing, earrings, and heavy eye makeup -- is bad, and Tyra agrees that they make her look older. Even so, Tyra thought her performance was good in that she stood out. The body angle of Jade's photo gets raves from Twiggy, as does her sensuality. The guest photographer also thinks Jade did well, and says that she could be a top model if she came to Thailand. By all means, take her!
Miss J. says that Nnenna sounded too Miss America-ish. He really hates her. Nigel says that she went on and on and on...and on...and on. Everyone agrees that she was boring. Nnenna says a bit defiantly that she thought they were supposed to sell themselves. Tyra says that Nnenna was selling, but the judges weren't buying. Oooh, stick an orange tag on it and put it in the discount rack! Nnenna's photo is pretty, according to Nigel, but she doesn't look like a mermaid. Nnenna agrees that she needed to transform more. Nigel says that she needs to bring something different to the competition at this stage. Tyra brings up Nnenna's challenge win, and notes that George Wayne said she had a strong, smart, and aware presence, but that she was also a bit snobbish and not charming. Miss J. makes fun of her staid manner of speaking, and says something about her thinking she's an African queen and that she knows better than the rest of them. Nnenna says that she doesn't know where he got that from, and Miss J. sarcastically says, "You're misunderstood, like Jade is sometimes." Ooh, burned like toast, right there.
Nigel thought that Danielle was the best in terms of spunk and personality. Twiggy agrees that she sold it. Tyra likes that Danielle talked about the gap, and asks to see the reduced version. Tyra likes it. Danielle's photo is effortless, according to Miss J., and Tyra says that it's hard to be upside down and sexy, and that Danielle accomplished that. The photographer loved her, and thought she was elegant. Kudos all around.
Twiggy says that Sara's greatest asset is her voice, but to say, "I'm intelligent" to a journalist is like waving a red flag to a bull. Nigel likes Sara's face in the photo even though her arms were a bit awkward. Tyra notes that when Sara's face is on, it's on, but it's not on often enough in her film.
Tyra says that Furonda seemed very unsure, and Twiggy says that she seemed very confused. Miss J. asks what invitation Furonda got that the rest of those present didn't, referring to the fact that she's wearing a really cheap-looking black sequined cocktail dress that accentuates her bony chest. Furonda says that it's a celebration, because they're in Thailand. Tyra agrees that it's too dressy, and Nigel says that she didn't get the jeans memo. Furonda's photo looks striking in the wide and close-up. However, Tyra says that her other film is horrible. Furonda says that her "womanly space" was in excruciating pain. My conflicted feelings of amusement at the term "womanly space" and horror at actually being forced to think about Furonda's particular womanly space leads us to commercials.
Meanwhile, Joanie is the Cover Girl Of The Week. Beaver County, represent!
The judges deliberate. Sara has to get over her intelligence. Twiggy says that Sara's insecure in every other way, so she feels like has to blind the judges with her brains. Tyra says that she thinks Sara is trying and is improving. Twiggy has to give it to Jade for taking a great photo. Tyra says that her photo looks sweet in the face, but that Jade is Jade, and always will be. Nigel notes that Jade said not to judge a book by its cover, but sometimes the cover is more interesting than the contents. Twiggy loves Furonda's photograph, even though Furonda was confused by the challenge. Miss J. enjoys Furonda, but Nigel is not feeling her. Twiggy says that Joanie's photo is her favorite, and Miss J. agrees that it's gorgeous. Nigel says that he's not convinced about Joanie in person, but Twiggy says that she's had consistently good photographs. Danielle is picking up her game and is the one to watch, according to Nigel. Twiggy agrees that she's radiant. Miss J. says that she's a bit country. Twiggy likes that, and Tyra says that it's okay as long as you know how to turn it off. She doesn't think Danielle knows how to turn it off, but Twiggy says she can learn. Nnenna needs to raise the bar, according to Nigel. Twiggy agrees that Nnenna is sinking fast. Miss J. hears crickets chirping when he sees Nnenna. Tyra says that she thinks the judges can't handle Nnenna and that she intimidates them. Twiggy says that Jade frightens her, and implores the others not to leave her alone in a room with Jade. I heard that if you're alone in a room with Jade, your IQ automatically lowers by ten points.
Six girls stand before Tyra. She calls the following names: Danielle, Jade, Sara, and Joanie. This, of course, leaves Furonda and Nnenna. At this point I was like, "Well, clearly there is only one possible outcome to this situation." Nnenna started the competition at the top of the pack, but her "It thing" is fading. On the other hand, some of the judges questioned why Furonda was there from the start, and even though she's improving, some of the judges still don't see a model in person. And then Tyra says, "So you have to work on your appearance, Furonda," and hands her a photograph. Wait, let me say that again. Tyra hands Furonda a photograph. I know! Nnenna is o-u-t. Nnenna says she's surprised that she's the one going home, but that she understands what the judges were saying. She says that this experience has made her want to be a model even more, and she hopes that she'll be closer to achieving her goals. And really, Nnenna was a pretty good model. Nonetheless, she fades from the photo, and we are left with five.